Oh, People Love to Make Fun of Kinky Christians

That's right, the media is having a big laugh at our expense.

I can hardly blame them.

Christians have developed a reputation for being anti-sex, anti-fun, and anti-experimentation. This isn't really fair, since fundamentalist Christians that fit that description are really only a small minority of the rest of us (10% of worldwide Christians, although they do make up 60% of U.S. Christians), but it's a pervasive picture nonetheless.

I know Christians who drink and who don't drink. I know Christians who get wasted and ones who believe it's only okay to have alcohol in small amounts. I know Christians who never touch the stuff. I know Christians who smoke pot, smoke cigarettes, have premarital sex, have gay relationships, live with their boyfriends, have anal sex, have kinky sex, and don't even kiss before they're married. Sure, some of us are sinning, but it still happens. We're pretty much all across the spectrum, but people assume we're all fundamentalists.

The Christian focus on not sinning makes us look like a bunch of people who hate sex and only advocate it within monogamous, heterosexual marriage (the first part is false, by the way).

So when we Christians have kinky sex, or write books about great vanilla married sex, the media has a hayday with it.

Personally, I enjoy hearing about the views of people who don't agree with me, although I rarely want to engage them in personal debate. Also, it's my "cheat day" from my low-carb diet, so that's reason to be happy about just about anything!

Want to read some people horrified at/making fun of kinky Christians?

There are posts on Fetlife where people say being into BDSM is inherently against Christianity.

The article Need a Good Spanking? Try CDD! claims:

With descriptions such as those, who could resist the pull of a Christian
Domestic Discipline marriage? It has it all: domestic violence, homophobia, and
the humiliation of women. I had thought my marriage, based on equality, mutual
respect, and openness was solid. I see now that I have let my selfish feminism
cloud my view.

I mean, you have to admit that fundamentalist Christians bringing about spanking is a little funny, given the way the world sees them.

Praise the Lord and Pass the Adjustable Nipple Clamps is another witty and satirical look at Christian BDSM. Poking fun, not at CDD, but at Christian full-on BDSM websites, the author quips:

But anyone who's ever asked himself, "WWJD with these tit clamps?" can find
godly direction and spiritual uplift clicking here."

I almost think that, since the general population feels very threatened by fundamentalist Christians trying to tell them how and when to have sex, they feel even more threatened when those same Christians seem to enjoy sex, even if it's (gasp!) kinky. It's hard to connect a church you've decided "hates sex and fun" so you can feel justified to ignore them and do whatever you want sexually, when those same churches you've stereotyped now have married couples practicing BDSM according to Biblical rules. It certainly breaks the mold of the "typical Christian," I'll give you that.

Even more laughs can be found at What Happens When Fundamentalists Get Into BDSM? I mean, everyone knows Christians can't have good sex and should be ashamed of the sex they do have (assuming they have sex, since so many of them have kids!). So obviously, Christians into spanking and kink must just have stolen good sex from "real" kinksters and slapped a new name on it. See below:

Pray tell, what shall you do if you are a fundamentalist Christian who is into BDSM? Well, you change the terminology and call it "Christian Domestic Discipline". Thereafter, you declare this as an "enhancement" for your traditional marriage.

As is expected, someone has spent a great deal of time and effort building a website dedicated to Christian Domestic Discipline. The webmaster is Leah Kelley and she declares herself to be virulently anti-feminist. Not only is she proudly submissive, she declares this is God's plan.

I can definitely see the point that is made about some CDD websites out there, include this critique from Beating God Into Her:

If it’s not a zany form of Christian BDSM, then the alternate explanation of CDD must be that it’s a justification for domestic abuse invoking a higher authority. That’s where it transitions from kooky to sinister.

Yeah. I mean, if women are using CDD and Christian kink to let their husbands control and abuse them, make them skinnier, or keep them from cutting their hair too short (as the article suggests), I'd say that's pretty crazy stuff.

My last laugh comes from Something Awful, one of my favorite fun-poking websites, who has this to say about Christian D/s websites:

Christians have long been missing out on the joys of BDSM, but thankfully some guy on the Internet is going to change that. He's tearing off a chunk of the secular BDSM world's skin, polishing it up, and giving it to Christians. Turns out BDSM is A-OKAY if you're a Christian, just so long as it involves a married couple and the female is always submissive. So get out those whips and chains and enjoy some good old fashioned God-sanctioned ball-gagging and anal torture. If you still have questions, this inexplicable FAQ should clear everything up.

Okay, that's funny, but Something Awful also writes about everything terrible on the internet, from people screwing dogs and their neighbor's cows, to sites that advocate mother-daughter incestuous relationships, to people who drink blood and pretend they're vampires. Do "spanking Christians" really fit into the group with dog rapists? I mean, really?

My only conclusion is that people don't want Christians to have good, kinky, fun sex. If we're trying to control them from having all the kinky, nasty, sinful, albeit consenual sex they want, then by golly, we should not be allowed to enjoy sex, either! How dare we enjoy sex within our boring, two-person, monogamous, lifelong marriages? Never mind that research shows married women in long-term marriages have better sex than our "sexually liberated," younger, single counterparts.

So when the movement that is known for homophobia, sexism, and religious intolerance starts having fun, nonconventional, kinky sex, well, that is just too much! Christians should just hunker down and have boring, non-existent sex like we want single and gay people to do.

And when we do something they don't understand, well, like most people do when they don't understand something... they fear us... they make fun of us.... and if that makes them feel better, good for them.

While they're writing a blog worrying about why devout Christians shouldn't be allowed to live out their ridiculous, scary fantasies, I'm enjoying mind-blowing sex with my husband. Oh well.

Christians Can't Have Kinky Sex?

Okay, I live in the Bible belt. But I'm still sometimes shocked and a little alarmed by the ignorance of my fellow Christians about their sexuality.

If it's not totally clear by reading my blog, I'm a Christian who engages in kinky, BDSM-style sex with my husband. I believe some BDSM activities can be a sin, but I think most of them are okay within a monogamous marriage. I was raised a Catholic in the Bible belt, so I learned just because a few evangelicals say something doesn't mean the Bible does. I was also lucky enough to be in a home that encouraged open and honest discussions of our sexuality, promoted healthy and mutually satisfying sexual relationships within marriage, and was very open to any aspect of my sexuality that I wanted to explore once I was married to a good Christian man. My parents encouraged me to wait for sex til marriage, but they made it clear they'd rather me be honest and practice safe sex if I decided not to wait.

So sometimes, I'm just a bit flabbergasted by my Christian friends and acquaintances.

Case in point:

I was at play practice with one of my friends. Our theatre has hired three ballerinas from a local ballet company, and one of them was practicing her routine. Her flexibility, grace, and musicality were beautiful and astounding. She was so graceful and light on her feet! I was awed by the beauty of her dancing, her flexibility, and her control.

She executed a move where she pulled her leg straight up over her head while lying on her back, very similar to this one: but lying down. I whispered to my friend, "Wow... she is just so... amazing!" After a moment's pause, I added, "And her husband is so lucky!"

My 20-year-old Christian friend looked at me in shock and said, "Yes, but they're Christian, so I don't think they do anything kinky like that."

I had to sit and process this for a moment, just in case I'd heard wrong. I mean, it's "kinky" to have sex with your leg above your head?!? I wouldn't call that kinky or even a really experimental position. It's just a standard deviation from the missionary position for people with a little extra flexibility or who want some deeper penetration.

So what I got from this statement, is that the anti-Christian media and sex educators aren't actually lying about how grossly misrepresented sex is among Christians. I didn't know there were young people in our country who actually thought it might be a sin to have sex with your husband with your leg up over your head, much less bondage or spanking or (gasp) Master/slave relationships. But here she was, sincere and confused and honestly asking me a question. I didn't have the heart to laugh at her, so I endeavored to answer her honestly and seriously.

I told her, as an older Christian she trusts, that I thought the Bible didn't have anything against kinky sex once you were married. I said as long as the kinky things you do are consenual, they're fine, although of course one partner should not force another into kinkiness. She wanted to know if the Bible said anything against oral sex in marriage (it doesn't) and what I thought about birth control.

Finally, I said tentatively, "You know, I've seen some websites where... Christian couples have kinky sex, even... using handcuffs or maybe spanking each other."

She looked pretty shocked, but she listened.

Once my Dom picked me up from practice, I was deep in thought about this conversation. She is a genuine Christian, a sweet girl, and a very smart woman. But because (I assume) no one in her family or church has ever talked to her about sex, she really had no idea what was and was not okay for married Christians. My view is that God created sex and He wants married partners to have an awesome sex life. This is echoed in Christian books such as The Act of Marriage, And the Bride Wore White, Sex and the Soul of a Woman, and Who Moved the Goal Post?

God doesn't put restrictions on sex because He hates sex or thinks it is dirty or wrong, no matter what some churches seem to think. The restrictions on sex (don't have sex with animals/children, don't commit adultery, don't have gay sex, don't lust after your brothers and sisters in Christ, don't engage in sexual activity before marriage) are there to protect us, just like a parent who warns their child not to play in the street is not doing so out of a malicious intent to deny their child the fun of playing in the street. In all of the cases where the Bible forbids a certain type of sex, God is trying to protect the individuals involved from STDs, heartache, sexual abuse, and dysfunctional sexuality, or He is trying to protect other people from becoming victims (children, animals, or the spouse being cheated on). Rules about sex are there to protect and elevate our sexuality above animalistic screwing to sacred bonding.

Sure, there are lots of (non-Christian) websites either criticizing or making fun of kinky or D/s Christian sites. "Who would Jesus spank?" or "Wear nipple clamps for Jesus!" are apparently really funny slogans to these people. They love to make fun of Christians for being anti-sex, misogynistic, sexist, patriarchal, and boring in their sex lives, but that's because they don't understand the sacredness within a solid Christ-based marriage.

Until our churches start allowing sex education, at least discussing with teenagers what a great, fulfilling sex life can be within marriage, children are going to keep misunderstanding Christianity's message about sex. If we ignore the issue, kids get the idea that sex is secretive, dirty, and shameful. No wonder non-Christians think we're so backwards about sex.

So yes, Virginia, Christians can have flexible, leg-bending sex. They can even use paddles or vibrators or nipple clamps. Sex doesn't have to be boring and it doesn't have to be in the missionary position. And no, my husband and I don't make love between a thick blanket with a hole cut out of it and a stopwatch.

Is it Necessary to Give "Total Submission"?

If you look at online kink forums and Fetlife, you'll sometimes notice that people seem to think a "good" sub is someone in a 24/7 Total Power Exchange (TPE) relationship.

That's great for people living in TPE relationships, but what about people who are in online relationships or simply can't or don't want to ve in full-time D/s relationships?

Is it possible to be a good sub and not submit 100% of the time? Yes. Is it okay to identify as a submissive or slave and still struggle with giving up your sense of self at times? Yes. Check out the following quote from a Fetlife member:

I wish I knew how to give total submission. I'm struggling to let go of my
personal power and give myself to my Master fully.

This is how I feel every day. Total submission isn't just something you can decide to give and then it magically happens. Like being a good wife, husband, or parent, it's a process. Like being sacrificial, selfless, or generous, there are things we must sometimes work at.

The good news is, the more you practice submitting, the more easily it will come to you. And the same goes for mastery over another human being: the more you are dominating, the easier it will be to get close to a 24/7 goal, if that's your goal.

But for those of you who don't really want to be in a 24/7 TPE relationship, that's fine. Don't believe all the BDSM websites that make it seem like the only niche for you in the BDSM world is either as a Master (Mistress) or as a slave.

There is room in BDSM for pets, owners, part-time lovers who just like to try a little spanking and bondage from time to time, submissives, switches, masochists, sadists, Daddies, Mommies, little girls, and part-time submissives. There is no "One Right Way" to forge your relationship and there is no "goal" such as, "You must become a completely submissive person within 3 months of entering your D/s relationship." Heck, my Dom and I have been D/s for two years and we still haven't mastered the full-time dynamic. I still act like a bossy brat sometimes, per my upbringing, and sometimes we just act like a normal vanilla couple.

And you know what? That's okay.

Low-Carb Dieting

My Dom and I are currently trying out a low-carb diet. I'm going to file this post under my Submission household and cooking section, and if you are interested in using any of the recipes below please feel free.

I'm five foot five and a half inches, and in college and for three years after college I always weighed between 118-124 lbs. Once I moved back home for France, however, I suddenly gained some weight out of nowhere. I tried small things like cutting out soda or eating lower-fat snacks, I tried cutting calories, and I enrolled in some dance classes, but nothing worked for me. I'm currently 135 lbs. and would like to get back down to 125, which I think is a healthy weight for someone with a small body frame and is only 26 years old and never born children. Mostly, though, I'm doing it so I feel better about myself. My Dom likes me as much at this weight as he did before, but I'll feel better if I can fit into my old clothes again. It seems like 26 is too young to suddenly start gaining 10 lbs. in a few months.

The only diet I've really tried that worked for me was the low-carb diet, which is what Atkins and South Beach are based on. Since my favorite foods in the world are carbs (breads, pastas, cookies, cakes, potatoes, etc.) and sugars, this diet is hell for me, but at least I can eat as much as I want and don't have to starve myself. My Dom is doing the diet with me as a "sympathy diet," so I don't have to watch him snarfing carbs while I'm longingly watching, and so he can lose some of his tummy fat.

Right now I'm on day 3, and we're trying to stay under 20 grams of carbohydrates per day. Since even non-carb foods like nuts, cheeses, and meats have a few grams of carbs, that means I can have NO traditional sweets or carbs and must watch even the types of meats and nuts I eat. It makes me tired and dizzy because right now my body is in "withdrawl" mode and isn't sure what to do without the carbs.

If you try a low-carb diet, you have to count grams of carbs really carefully. You also have to get creative with your meal and snack choices. The first few days, you can expect to lose about 2 lbs. per day, simply because you are losing water weight. After that, you can lose around 1 lbs. a day. You give yourself a "cheat" day once a week to eat whatever carbs and sugars you want, but the other 6 days of the week you have to carefully count grams of carbs in everything.

If you're interested in trying this diet for your or your Dom, here are some sample recipes I've created that are not found on the net and other dieting sites.

Snacks:

• 1/4 cup pistachios, 2.5 g carbs.
• 1/2 cup fresh raspberries, 3.5 g carbs
• 1 c fresh whole mushrooms, 2 g carbs
• 2 deviled eggs, 3 g carbs

Breakfasts:

• 2 hard-boiled eggs, with yolk, 2.2 g carbs
• 2 scrambled eggs, 2.4 g carbs
• 2 fried eggs (.8 g) with 2 slices bacon (.24 g)=1.04 g carbs total
• 2 scrambled eggs (2.4 g) with 2 oz Velveeta cheese (5 g) = 7.4 g total
• 2 scrambled eggs (2.4 g) covered with 1 cup shredded cheddar cheese (1.5) = 3.9 g carbs total

Meals:

• 1 chicken wing, roasted, (0 carbs) with 1 large dill pickle (4 g carbs) and 1 c freshly steamed broccoli (3 g carbs)= 7 g carbs total
• 1 c ground beef (1 carbs) mixed with 2 T salsa (2.5 g carbs) and 1 c shredded lettuce (.6 g carbs) = 3.1 g carbs total
• 1 c broiled chicken, cut into small pieces (0 carbs), 2 T Kraft Mayo Light (2.6 g carbs), salt, pepper, and dill eaten in a leaf of iceberg lettuce (.6 carbs)=4.2 carbs total
• 2 slices fresh tomato (2.1 g carbs), 3 slices cooked bacon (.4 g carbs), 1 T Kraft Mayo0 Light (1.3 g carbs), wrapped in a leaf of iceberg lettuce (.6 carbs)= 5.4 g carbs total
• 1 fillet baked salmon (0 g) with 1/4 c sunflower seeds (5 g)=5 g carbs total

Desserts:

• Low-carb Cheesecake, 2 g carbs/serving
• Chocolate Pecan Torte, 2 g carbs/serving
• Pumpkin Pie, 3.5 g carbs/serving
• Raspberry Fool, 5 g carbs/serving
• Atkins' Chocolate Chip Cookies, 3.2 g carbs/cookie

If anybody has any good low-carb or dieting recipes, be sure to let me know! :)

Back from Europe

I'm back!

Europe was absolutely beautiful, although it made making it to my mother's wedding a few days later very hectic---there was no rehearsal, no music practice, I had to learn two new songs in two days, and I was not prepared to make a toast! Also, there were a few wedding mishaps with when people were to go up and speak, how the flowers turned out, and we lost the straps to my bridesmaid's dress so I had to go strapless in a dress that was too loose!

Overall though, the wedding went well, I sang three songs, including an aria from Love Never Dies that I'd just seen in London, for the first dance between my mom and her new groom. I'm tired but glad it all went smoothly!

Now I'm putting off cleaning.... I need to unpack from both Europe and the wedding, but I simply don't feel up to it. So I'm blogging and drinking lots of water in the form of Crystal Light.

Above, you can see the pictures from the Cliffs of Moher in Ireland and the Eiffel Tower in France. Yay vacations! Now I just need to sleep off the jet lag...