3/20/2009
3/13/2009
The First Time She Cried
Today, I am writing about the first time I made my sub cry, how I got her to do so, and what it felt like. The scene was one that I had thought long and hard on how to be unpredictable. My goal was to not only hurt her, but also make her feel my behavior couldn't be trusted. I apparently fulfilled my goal, because later on she explained she was honestly scared. I was sure to switch out avenues of pain often, because I didn't want her to get too bored. For a short time it was fingering with too many fingers or paddling or whipping. I was also sure to leave the room for short periods of time. I talked to her along the way to reassure her I wasn't leaving to go get an ice cream or anything rash.
After a good amount of abuse I could tell her limits were being pushed, in a good way. I had her against the wall, naked, and each time I would whip her, her back would arch. I got tired of it and decide the next time that happened I would slap her repeatedly. Well, both of these things happened. I was after the slapping that she started to cry. I thought there would just be a tear or two, because she's usually stubborn. However, I turned her around shortly thereafter and saw her cheeks wet. I knew then that I was turned on, happy, and fully sadistic. Although, I would never, never endanger her safety, the scene was made sexy by her crying. I don't know how to explain this, other than to give an account of it.
It was after this, I knew I had to start winding her down and ready for aftercare. I was progressively less mean and nasty. In my heart, I knew I had completed my goal. Making your sub cry could give you a rush, turn you on, make you feel truly sadistic for not caring, and set you up for topdrop as well. That's my take, what's yours?
Survey on Religion and Spirituality in BDSM
Because religion fascinates me (my minor was religious studies) and I love to study sex, it made sense to study the two together.
I do have a master's degree and do know the basics of surveys, reporting results, and analyzing data (I had to use it for my thesis, but that is another long, painful story). I am not, however, a psychologist or doctor so these results should be taken just for fun!
My deepest thanks goes to the 246 of you who completed my survey. I especially thank those of you who made [polite, constructive, or helpful] comments. To those of you who can't type anything nice.... "don't type anything at all"! :) I also extend my apologies for the lateness in responding. While my goal was 2 weeks, it turned into more like 6 or 8. First, I waited because so many results were still coming in. Then my job in France had a break and I took my first trip home to the States in 5 months. Needless to say, BDSM surveys weren't high up on my list during those weeks!
But now I am home again (to France, anyway) and ready to share your results. Thanks again for contributing!
1. What is your identified gender? This question changed somewhat, as my original wording confused some people (some of you thought it was "too P.C." and some of you thought it wasn't P.C. enough!). Either way, I changed it early on per some good suggestions for better wording. In the end, 131 people (53%) responded female, 103 responded male (42%), and 12 responded other (5%). Among the others, responses included: 2 MtF (Male to Female), 1 irrelevant, 2 gender fluid, 1 sissy, 1 none, 1 FtM Intersexual/male of center, 1 FtM, 1 Transgender, and 1 "just other."
2. What is your age? Here, only 4 people (2%) were under 18 and 0 over 65. Fifty percent were 40-65, 32% 26-39, and 17% 18-25.
3. What is the highest level of education you have achieved? Thirty-seven percent have finished some college, 27% a 4-year college degree, 14% a Master's, 4% a Doctorate, 7% high school/GED, 7% a 2-year college program, and 1% some high school. Three percent answered "other."
4. What religion was your family while growing up? Most (69%) of the respondents were raised Christian (33% Protestant, 27% Catholic, and 7% evangelical). Twelve percent were nonreligious, 7% other, 5% Jewish, 4% agnostic, and 1% Muslim, Pagan, Hindu, or atheist.
5. What religion are you now? The respondents seem to follow the trends of the larger population, with all denominations of Christians and Jews losing members, Paganism, atheism, agnosticism, Eastern religions, and "other" gaining adherents. The largest group of respondents now identify as "other" (27%) or pagan (17%).
6. How would you describe your religious activity? Most respondents were not active (38%), although answers varied greatly. Eighteen percent are active more than once a week, 8% once a week, 12% a few times a month, 18% a few times a year, and 6% "other". Many of the "others" were because their religious beliefs imply more a way of thinking and living, not events to attend.
7. How religious would you consider yourself? Thirty-four percent responded "not at all", and 7% responded "very." The graph below shows the breakdown of responses in between.
8. How spiritual would you describe yourself? Here the results showed more or less of an inversion of self-described religiosity, with 41% considering themselves "very spiritual" and increasingly fewer people describing themselves as less spiritual. In general, the BDSM community (perhaps mirroring the population at large) considers itself more spiritual than religious.
9. How much do your religious beliefs affect what you will or will not do in BDSM? Unfortunately, as many respondents indicated, this question is geared toward religious beliefs, without a clear distinction between religiousity and spirituality. I believe this will skew the results. But as for the actual question, whether religious beliefs affect BDSM activities, most people (55%) said "not at all." Only 8% said "very much."
10. How much do your religious beliefs affect your decisions in everyday life? While BDSM activities may not be much affected by religious beliefs, everyday activities and decisions are. The answers are fairly evenly divided across the spectrum in this case.
I do have a master's degree and do know the basics of surveys, reporting results, and analyzing data (I had to use it for my thesis, but that is another long, painful story). I am not, however, a psychologist or doctor so these results should be taken just for fun!
My deepest thanks goes to the 246 of you who completed my survey. I especially thank those of you who made [polite, constructive, or helpful] comments. To those of you who can't type anything nice.... "don't type anything at all"! :) I also extend my apologies for the lateness in responding. While my goal was 2 weeks, it turned into more like 6 or 8. First, I waited because so many results were still coming in. Then my job in France had a break and I took my first trip home to the States in 5 months. Needless to say, BDSM surveys weren't high up on my list during those weeks!
But now I am home again (to France, anyway) and ready to share your results. Thanks again for contributing!
1. What is your identified gender? This question changed somewhat, as my original wording confused some people (some of you thought it was "too P.C." and some of you thought it wasn't P.C. enough!). Either way, I changed it early on per some good suggestions for better wording. In the end, 131 people (53%) responded female, 103 responded male (42%), and 12 responded other (5%). Among the others, responses included: 2 MtF (Male to Female), 1 irrelevant, 2 gender fluid, 1 sissy, 1 none, 1 FtM Intersexual/male of center, 1 FtM, 1 Transgender, and 1 "just other."
2. What is your age? Here, only 4 people (2%) were under 18 and 0 over 65. Fifty percent were 40-65, 32% 26-39, and 17% 18-25.
3. What is the highest level of education you have achieved? Thirty-seven percent have finished some college, 27% a 4-year college degree, 14% a Master's, 4% a Doctorate, 7% high school/GED, 7% a 2-year college program, and 1% some high school. Three percent answered "other."
4. What religion was your family while growing up? Most (69%) of the respondents were raised Christian (33% Protestant, 27% Catholic, and 7% evangelical). Twelve percent were nonreligious, 7% other, 5% Jewish, 4% agnostic, and 1% Muslim, Pagan, Hindu, or atheist.
5. What religion are you now? The respondents seem to follow the trends of the larger population, with all denominations of Christians and Jews losing members, Paganism, atheism, agnosticism, Eastern religions, and "other" gaining adherents. The largest group of respondents now identify as "other" (27%) or pagan (17%).
6. How would you describe your religious activity? Most respondents were not active (38%), although answers varied greatly. Eighteen percent are active more than once a week, 8% once a week, 12% a few times a month, 18% a few times a year, and 6% "other". Many of the "others" were because their religious beliefs imply more a way of thinking and living, not events to attend.
7. How religious would you consider yourself? Thirty-four percent responded "not at all", and 7% responded "very." The graph below shows the breakdown of responses in between.
8. How spiritual would you describe yourself? Here the results showed more or less of an inversion of self-described religiosity, with 41% considering themselves "very spiritual" and increasingly fewer people describing themselves as less spiritual. In general, the BDSM community (perhaps mirroring the population at large) considers itself more spiritual than religious.
9. How much do your religious beliefs affect what you will or will not do in BDSM? Unfortunately, as many respondents indicated, this question is geared toward religious beliefs, without a clear distinction between religiousity and spirituality. I believe this will skew the results. But as for the actual question, whether religious beliefs affect BDSM activities, most people (55%) said "not at all." Only 8% said "very much."
10. How much do your religious beliefs affect your decisions in everyday life? While BDSM activities may not be much affected by religious beliefs, everyday activities and decisions are. The answers are fairly evenly divided across the spectrum in this case.
Limits of the study:
This study did not allow for a difference in religion and spirituality, which there definitely is. It also cannot allow for different individual notions of what is religion; what is spirituality, and what is BDSM? That each person has his or her own idea of these three concepts makes the survey necessarily subjective. Also, this study only allows for one response (due to its multiple-choice nature) from respondents. Some people practice a mix of faiths or religions, while others engage in an eclectic mix of spirituality. For some the two are inseparable, and for others they are not. Also, just because an individual considers herself "Catholic" does not mean she agrees with everything the Catholic Church teaches.
Some Final Words
It is interesting to survey the results for what they are. The latest research indicates Americans, and the world in general, is becoming "less religious," the BDSM community, like their vanilla counterparts, reflect that. Twenty-eight percent of Americans leave the religion they were raised in, and 1.6% considered themselves atheist in 2008. A higher proportion of BDSM members (9%) considered themselves athesists, but the numbers are still small. Sixteen percent of Americans, and 26% of BDSMers in the survey (not all of whom are American or even from Western societies!--but many were so I'm using Americans as a not-without-faults control group) identify as nonreligious, atheist, or agnostic. 2.4% of Americans are agnostic, and 6% of BDSMers responded accordingly. While there are differences, these could be accounted for in difference of sampling populations, differing survey methods, or random chance. Of course, they could also be significant--only a statistical program would tell me that!
In America, 75% of adults are Christian; among BDSMers, 69% were raised Christian and 23% remained so as adults, indicating much lower numbers of Christians than in the general population. Sixty-three percent of moderate Protestants in my study left their childhood religion; 50% of evangelicals, 42% of Jews, and 78% of Catholics left as adults. This reflects the general population, where Catholic groups lose more adherents than any other religions.
Compared to the general population, fewer Protestants identify as evangelical. It is perhaps not surprising that those groups seen as more conservative (Christians and Jews in general, and evangelical and Catholic Christians in particular) are less represented in a so-called "alternative lifestyle" like BDSM than in the population at large; however, there are BDSMers from all these groups!
The converse is also true. In 2008, an estimated 0.4% of Americans were pagan (including Wiccan and New Age). Fully 17% of BDSMers were pagan in my study, indicating higher numbers of pagan BDSMers than in the rest of the population. Not being pagan, I have no idea why this may be, but I find it highly interesting and invite any Wiccans or pagans to leave a comment with their best theory or explanation.
In short, the BDSMers who took my survey represented a wide variety of religious and spiritual beliefs. There are people in the community who are atheists, people who aren't sure, people who are Muslim, Jewish, Hindu, Catholic, Baptist, nothing, many things, and still searching. I find it fascinating that so many people from all walks of life have found something in BDSM worth staying for.
Thanks for your attention.
To see where I got more information, click here (2008 religion study) And here (2008 religion study). And here (2001 religion study). And here (Summary of many religion studies).
Comments are welcome. However, I ask that if you can't phrase your criticism constructively that you refrain from commenting. Negativity has no purpose if it can't help the recipient improve. Thanks! :)
Review: Leather Slapper
The Handy Slapper from Babeland was my first slapper... and I love it!
Well, I guess that is an overstatement. The truth would be that while I enjoyed it, and now have a strange love/fear/hate relationship with the slapper, my Dom loooooooved it. So BDSM lovers, whether you are wanting to begin exploring kink with some light slapping or you're a seasoned BDSM vet, hang on tight, cuz you'll adore this slapper!
First, the slapper is only $35 dollars, which is cheaper than the leather goods you generally find commercially. It is made of real leather, and it is delicate and small (only 10" long). The leather strap for hanging it up after play is quite "handy" (haha?) and you will be surprised at how much pain you can create with this tiny strap.
I originally got this as a gift for my Dom. Of course, I was quite pleased with myself, thinking anything so light and small would do no more than sting a bit, so everyone wins. Ha!
When the package arrived in the mail, I swear my Dom's eyes lit up. Before I knew it I was bent down over the kitchen counter where the mail had been opened, pants around my ankles, whining while I was being lightly whipped with the slapper while he eagerly tried out his new toy. (As per basic safety protocol, he tried every stroke out on his own bare skin before testing it on mine to ensure he knew how hard he could hit--this worked both for and against me, as it is safer this way, but it also meant when I whined that he was hurting me he just laughed and told me to shut up, because he'd just tried the same stroke on himself.)
Well, here I thought we were coming home from the store and going to watch a movie. Instead, I was being held down over the counter, his grip on my hair yanking my head sharply back, while he slapped my bare thighs and ass again and again, the strokes growing in intensity. And it hurt!
If you are a spanking beginner, don't let this scare you. I assure you this light slapper will be just as fun doing some light sensation play on your lover's skin. Depending on how hard you hit, it doesn't have to hurt at all.
My Dom is just wonderfully evil. :)
Once he got this in his hand, he was rock-hard against me and I was being whipped with the small leather strap, wiggling and protesting and moaning against the kitchen counter. We started out in our mundane vanilla lives, and next thing I knew I was coming all over the kitchen floor.
Yay, Handy Slapper.
My advice? Buy it, buy it, buy it. It's much better than cleaning the kitchen sink to get your woman (or man!) in the mood. I can't imagine hotter and more kinky foreplay than we had with this slapper, and subsequent play sessions have not left me disappointed. When he uses it lightly, I get a light smack; when he slaps me hard, I am left with welts that last til the next day. Whether you want to leave your lover's skin completely blemish free or leave marks for a few days, this slapper is well worth the money!
I love it!
And my Dom does, too.
Everyone's happy!
Review: Retractable Heart Vibe
The retractable heart vibe from Babeland is only $15 and the mini buzzing bullet can be used in a vibrating dildo. I received this mini heart vibe, excited at the possibilities for discreet "out on the town" usage my Dom and I could get from this.... we envisioned me using the vibe while the 30" cord allowed one of us to use the pink heart control.As far as toys go, this one wasn't my favorite. Alone, the vibe is too small to do much good anywhere. It can be inserted into a vibrating dildo and used that way, of course (try Babeland's Leo or Feeldoe for starters). But I wouldn't get it to use on its own.
Thankfully, the watch batteries the vibe requires are included in the set. They even added a second set of batteries for good measure, which I appreciated. The black cord is easy to pull out and retract, and the push-button control is fairly self-explanatory. Still, the vibe is way too loud to be used for kinky "out on the town" nights like the Babeland ad claims. Babeland has the volume listed at a 2 and the intensity at a 3, but personally I'd say the volume was a 3 and the intensity was a 1. It's not too loud to be used at home alone, but definitely not in public.
If you are looking for a cheap vibe, Babeland has lots of great buys for under $30. I would recommend the Pocket Rocket or Orchid G (my all-time favorite vibe from this store!) or some of the other awesome cheap toys they have in their "Under $30" section, such as nipple clamps or anal beads. If you have (or want to buy) a vibrating dildo to use this bullet vibe with, go for it, but for solo use, stick with the Orchid G!
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