I feel him as I move through the house, feel his core connected to my core, his heart beating to my heart. Moving away, turning back around, and now nearing him. I feel him. I know where he is, because he knows who he is, and there I know who I am, in relation to him.
11/24/2013
11/01/2013
New Post
Gosh, I've missed this place. I've needed a night like this. Silence, darkness, peace... alone...
It's so lovely.
I don't have time to be creative and uncontrolled when I'm busy being a wife and worker and mom, but my husband loves me and tries to carve some time out of our year to let me get an outlet. I try to be content with it, but I am not myself.
Our sex life has gotten better. I swear he used to say (when he was mad at me) he wasn't into BDSM anymore, I'd ruined it by my harping and funsucking (not his word), and he hated it and wished we'd never heard of it. This hurt me immensely, not only making me feel this special part of myself I'd shared with him was being rejected, but also afraid this meant we were not sexually compatible as I'd thought.
But the last few months, it's better. I don't know if I finally lowered my expectations or he rose to them, but it's been great. He regularly sexually dominates me in the bedroom. Sometimes I feel we just engage in it for the domination, and the sex is just an accidental side effect--a theatre, if you will, for our plays.
He offers less, so I have to take less. I can feel him starving me, making me less selfish and I hate it but I stay quiet. I try to make little sacrifices. I am very hurt when he does not notice or appreciate them. He bosses me around more. I rail against it less. I am learning that he will not give in, anymore; not as he used to that horrible/wonderful summer I was pregnant and we were locked in a bitter struggle for sexual compatibility. I lie there and let him take me, whimpering and wondering if he really means it when he whispers, "I know you hate this. I'm going to do it anyway."
I am happy, deep in my heart, content in my sexuality as a married Christian woman and finally coming to peace with my sexuality and womanhood. I used to fear ir, wanted to stay a young girl forever, virginal and pure, but I'm learning it's an okay thing to have a man know you and love you and use you if he still respects you all other times, that it's an okay thing to feel my hips sway and my breasts heavier and know that I can walk this way, knowing that I have made wild love and pushed a child out of my body, and maybe it's okay that men notice it and are attracted by it and I'm fuller and more lush. I'm learning it's a great time playing with my daughter, even watching videos with her, and she makes me laugh. I'm learning I can be more patient than I thought I could. I'm learning that I can still get excited about my job and get fired up about it. I'm learning that I can make sacrifices for my husband even when I begrudge him it. I'm re-teaching myself to talk to God.
I'm enjoying this silence and this rest and this book and hell, this night.
It's so lovely.
I don't have time to be creative and uncontrolled when I'm busy being a wife and worker and mom, but my husband loves me and tries to carve some time out of our year to let me get an outlet. I try to be content with it, but I am not myself.
Our sex life has gotten better. I swear he used to say (when he was mad at me) he wasn't into BDSM anymore, I'd ruined it by my harping and funsucking (not his word), and he hated it and wished we'd never heard of it. This hurt me immensely, not only making me feel this special part of myself I'd shared with him was being rejected, but also afraid this meant we were not sexually compatible as I'd thought.
But the last few months, it's better. I don't know if I finally lowered my expectations or he rose to them, but it's been great. He regularly sexually dominates me in the bedroom. Sometimes I feel we just engage in it for the domination, and the sex is just an accidental side effect--a theatre, if you will, for our plays.
He offers less, so I have to take less. I can feel him starving me, making me less selfish and I hate it but I stay quiet. I try to make little sacrifices. I am very hurt when he does not notice or appreciate them. He bosses me around more. I rail against it less. I am learning that he will not give in, anymore; not as he used to that horrible/wonderful summer I was pregnant and we were locked in a bitter struggle for sexual compatibility. I lie there and let him take me, whimpering and wondering if he really means it when he whispers, "I know you hate this. I'm going to do it anyway."
I am happy, deep in my heart, content in my sexuality as a married Christian woman and finally coming to peace with my sexuality and womanhood. I used to fear ir, wanted to stay a young girl forever, virginal and pure, but I'm learning it's an okay thing to have a man know you and love you and use you if he still respects you all other times, that it's an okay thing to feel my hips sway and my breasts heavier and know that I can walk this way, knowing that I have made wild love and pushed a child out of my body, and maybe it's okay that men notice it and are attracted by it and I'm fuller and more lush. I'm learning it's a great time playing with my daughter, even watching videos with her, and she makes me laugh. I'm learning I can be more patient than I thought I could. I'm learning that I can still get excited about my job and get fired up about it. I'm learning that I can make sacrifices for my husband even when I begrudge him it. I'm re-teaching myself to talk to God.
I'm enjoying this silence and this rest and this book and hell, this night.
3/09/2013
Date night
Things have been going better.
Last night we had an in-home date night. We played Speed (a fun card game if you've never tried it), took a hot bubble bath even though our sub is too small for two of us (we used dish soap because we couldn't find bubble bath and I had a real craving for a bubble bath!), we watched the entire first season of Spaced (brilliant!), and had sex.
It wasn't too long or too short. The vibrator orgasm afterward was ex-cel-lent. I mean, really super satisfying. A++ on that one. I do find it strange that by the time I'm getting bored and ready for him to come and finish sex, he starts saying, "Oh no, I'm going to come!" I'm all like, Yes, PLEASE, and here I am waiting for it, but for some reason he seems to think I'll think it's too early. No sir! Last night was a perfect length. Nice.
And that's about all with us lately.
Last night we had an in-home date night. We played Speed (a fun card game if you've never tried it), took a hot bubble bath even though our sub is too small for two of us (we used dish soap because we couldn't find bubble bath and I had a real craving for a bubble bath!), we watched the entire first season of Spaced (brilliant!), and had sex.
It wasn't too long or too short. The vibrator orgasm afterward was ex-cel-lent. I mean, really super satisfying. A++ on that one. I do find it strange that by the time I'm getting bored and ready for him to come and finish sex, he starts saying, "Oh no, I'm going to come!" I'm all like, Yes, PLEASE, and here I am waiting for it, but for some reason he seems to think I'll think it's too early. No sir! Last night was a perfect length. Nice.
And that's about all with us lately.
2/28/2013
Silver Linings Playbook
Dealing with mental illness in any relationship is hard.
Yes, I struggle with mental illness. I've been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, Dystymia, and briefly when I was struggling with post-partum after the birth of our baby, OCD.
So I was looking forward to seeing Silver Linings Playbook. A look into mental illness and relationships seemed refreshing and applicable to our lives. Plus, it won all those Oscar nominations. And Jennifer Lawrence is so cute.
The movie was really good. First, it made me feel better about myself. "I may be a little crazy, but I'm not that crazy" sort of thing. Compared to Bradley Cooper's character, I'm a lot less hot but a lot more in control. Proud to be me!
The scene where the two main characters are listing off meds really struck a chord with me. I'd heard of those meds! I'd been on those meds! And I could really relate to the rattling off of different pills and how they worked for you and how they affected you.
I also really, really loved the part where he was judging her and she got all in-his-face about it. She claimed, "So you think you have, what, a super mental illness than me?"
Ka-bing!
It's so true. We try to put ourselves into categories. You only have depression but I have manic-bipolar disorder plus depression, so my problems are cooler than yours. I suffer from mild depression but I'd never cut myself or hurt anybody so I'm a better mentally ill person than you.
Well, if you haven't walked the proverbial mile...
This movie had a fresh outlook on mental illness as something we live with and live inspite of, not something that always controls us. Even the dad, who obviously suffered from pretty bad OCD that was both undiagnosed and untreated, showed us that anybody can be affected by mental illness, whether they know it or not, and that even the "mentally ill" can be good fathers and husbands and brothers and dads and sisters and moms and lovers.
I also liked how open this movie was to kink. There was a small part where she talked a little dirty, and the main Bradley Cooper character said he loved listening to it, and normal women would judge him for being some perv. But luckily the other character didn't judge him or assume he was a terrible person, she just let him think whatever he wanted was hot. I liked that.
This movie made me really realize how well I am living with and functioning with my particular mental illnesses. And how it doesn't keep me from being a good mom and worker and wife. I'm thankful for the doctor who diagnosed me with depression before I even had any idea I could possibly be suffering from it (I was there about my wrist, and I just happened to get a doctor who was not only really nice but had a background in psychiatry).
And that reminds me, I need to go take my meds. :)
Yes, I struggle with mental illness. I've been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, Dystymia, and briefly when I was struggling with post-partum after the birth of our baby, OCD.
So I was looking forward to seeing Silver Linings Playbook. A look into mental illness and relationships seemed refreshing and applicable to our lives. Plus, it won all those Oscar nominations. And Jennifer Lawrence is so cute.
The movie was really good. First, it made me feel better about myself. "I may be a little crazy, but I'm not that crazy" sort of thing. Compared to Bradley Cooper's character, I'm a lot less hot but a lot more in control. Proud to be me!
The scene where the two main characters are listing off meds really struck a chord with me. I'd heard of those meds! I'd been on those meds! And I could really relate to the rattling off of different pills and how they worked for you and how they affected you.
I also really, really loved the part where he was judging her and she got all in-his-face about it. She claimed, "So you think you have, what, a super mental illness than me?"
Ka-bing!
It's so true. We try to put ourselves into categories. You only have depression but I have manic-bipolar disorder plus depression, so my problems are cooler than yours. I suffer from mild depression but I'd never cut myself or hurt anybody so I'm a better mentally ill person than you.
Well, if you haven't walked the proverbial mile...
This movie had a fresh outlook on mental illness as something we live with and live inspite of, not something that always controls us. Even the dad, who obviously suffered from pretty bad OCD that was both undiagnosed and untreated, showed us that anybody can be affected by mental illness, whether they know it or not, and that even the "mentally ill" can be good fathers and husbands and brothers and dads and sisters and moms and lovers.
I also liked how open this movie was to kink. There was a small part where she talked a little dirty, and the main Bradley Cooper character said he loved listening to it, and normal women would judge him for being some perv. But luckily the other character didn't judge him or assume he was a terrible person, she just let him think whatever he wanted was hot. I liked that.
This movie made me really realize how well I am living with and functioning with my particular mental illnesses. And how it doesn't keep me from being a good mom and worker and wife. I'm thankful for the doctor who diagnosed me with depression before I even had any idea I could possibly be suffering from it (I was there about my wrist, and I just happened to get a doctor who was not only really nice but had a background in psychiatry).
And that reminds me, I need to go take my meds. :)
Being a normal weight
Being a mom is great, but it makes me tired. I weight 25 lbs more than I did when I met my husband. (Only about 10 of that is pregnancy weight, but still.) My once-pert breasts are now saggy and soft. My flat tummy has a tiny pooch. My size-5 jeans don't fit anymore. Neither do my 7s. Today I found myself even googling "Liposuction" and "Body Scultping." Like I have $1500 dollars to spend on lipo. *snorts*
One thing I like about the kink community is that thin doesn't matter. You can be sexy whether you're a size 12 or 20. It's all up to personal preference.
My Dom thinks I look great now. I think I look fine. I'm not thin but I'm not overweight. But I miss my old body.
I have tried eating less, but life just doesn't seem to be worthwhile without my Dr. Pepper and the occasional brownie. I hate health food. I love cookies and brownies. I hate vegetables. I love dessert. I need my Dr. Pepper to have the energy to get through the day. A water or diet soda just isn't as fulfilling. Diet drinks are gross. Non-sweet tea is gross. Water is not fulfilling. Neither is crunching on veggies instead of a real snack. I don't eat terribly, but cutting out everything (or most things) I enjoy just doesn't seem to work. When I've tried it, I'm miserable, and I don't even seem to lose weight. The internet declares this is because I am not overweight, so my average-size body wants to cling to its final fat stores. Apparently it would be easier to lose weight if I had more to lose. (?!!?)
I'm just so frustrated. I'm willing to cut back on soda and sweets, but not give them up totally. I don't eat dessert every day. I eat regular-sized, fairly balanced meals. Yet I still don't lose weight. Do I have to give up EVERYTHING? Start eating tiny portions and healthy snacks (yuck) and downing protein shakes (tried it, didn't work, may throw up if I ever have to drink another chocolate protein drink)?
I'm so discouraged.
One thing I like about the kink community is that thin doesn't matter. You can be sexy whether you're a size 12 or 20. It's all up to personal preference.
My Dom thinks I look great now. I think I look fine. I'm not thin but I'm not overweight. But I miss my old body.
I have tried eating less, but life just doesn't seem to be worthwhile without my Dr. Pepper and the occasional brownie. I hate health food. I love cookies and brownies. I hate vegetables. I love dessert. I need my Dr. Pepper to have the energy to get through the day. A water or diet soda just isn't as fulfilling. Diet drinks are gross. Non-sweet tea is gross. Water is not fulfilling. Neither is crunching on veggies instead of a real snack. I don't eat terribly, but cutting out everything (or most things) I enjoy just doesn't seem to work. When I've tried it, I'm miserable, and I don't even seem to lose weight. The internet declares this is because I am not overweight, so my average-size body wants to cling to its final fat stores. Apparently it would be easier to lose weight if I had more to lose. (?!!?)
I'm just so frustrated. I'm willing to cut back on soda and sweets, but not give them up totally. I don't eat dessert every day. I eat regular-sized, fairly balanced meals. Yet I still don't lose weight. Do I have to give up EVERYTHING? Start eating tiny portions and healthy snacks (yuck) and downing protein shakes (tried it, didn't work, may throw up if I ever have to drink another chocolate protein drink)?
I'm so discouraged.
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