Why Can't He Be In Charge?

Why, according to most strangers I meet, is my husband obviously the "man" and therefore the obedient servant in our marriage?

Please don't misunderstand me. I'm quite grateful for women's rights in this country, and I think my husband is, too. But in recent years, it has become the norm to assume that in most married partnerships, the woman is the one who wears the pants in the family. She makes the decisions, she makes the schedules, she doles out the responsibilities, and the man just obeys. Probably the man works longer hours and makes more money, but home is "her domain" and he is probably little more than a helper there.

Where do people get these ideas?

Once, my husband and I were out at the grocery store with a mutual friend. I saw some frozen waffles I wanted and asked if we could get them. My Dom said sure and grabbed the box. Our friend laughed and said, "He probably had no choice, did he?"

Well, first off, my Dom would probably never tell me no on something as silly and small as frozen blueberry waffles, but still. Why did our friend automatically assume that anything I want, I get? Because I am the woman. I am the wife. The better half, the one who is assumed to be in charge. Like my husband couldn't veto me on buying some waffles?

It bugs me when people assume I'm the woman so I must have the emotional and financial control in the relationship, and that my husband's one goal in life is to make me happy. (Lucky for me, it probably is, but it's because he wants it that way for our relationship and because he loves me, not because he's a wuss who has nothing better to do than wait on me hand and foot.)

Yesterday, I was at a rehearsal for a play I'm in. An actor was missing for the night, and it was causing some problems as everyone tried to figure out where exactly we needed to go. Since my husband was there early to pick me up, I asked him to come stand in for the missing actor. Of course, this is an easy request and he came over without hesitation. Another actor, one who had never met my husband before, looked at me admiringly and said, "He's very obedient."

Really??!?!

In our society, unequal treatment of women continues, but now I think it's getting out of balance the other way. If a woman is in charge of her husband, bosses him around, and has him run errands for her, that is considered normal. On the other hand, if any man tried to get away treating his wife that way in this day and age, oh boy would that be looked down upon! Strangers automatically assume that if we're married, I'm in charge of most things and his job is to make me happy.

My own mother, a very strong feminist who has been living in completely female-dominated relationships for the last 25 years, even subscribes to this kind of thought. She bosses her new husband around without a thought, but I've never once seen her get up to do him a favor or to get him something from the kitchen. She takes it for granted that my marriage is the same. "Call [my husband's name] and tell him to come let me in the house," she told me once. Since was the one who wanted into our home, and she has his phone number in her phone, I asked why she didn't just call him and ask herself. "Because," she said simply, "he'll take it better if you boss him around than if I do."

Wow.

"Mom," I told her steadily, my voice very low and quiet, "I'm not going to boss him around. I'm going to call him and ask him to come let you in. And he will either say yes or no."

My mother didn't answer, but I'm sure she thought that was ridiculous. To her, and to many women these days, a "husband" is someone who serves as bread-winner, lover, protector, friend, and servant.

Of course, my husband does nice things for me all the time. He gets up to get me a blanket or turn up the heat when I'm cold. He cooks and cleans when it needs done. But he's not my servant, my slave, or my inferior. He's a nice man who does what he can to make our lives more comfortable for both of us. He loves me, and therefore he treats me with the same caution and tender care that I imagine Jesus would if He were still on earth. But, like Jesus, my husband doesn't confuse servant leadership with servanthood. If the day came that I started to expect those things, or failed to be grateful and submissive to him, I'm sure he'd stop.

So why, in a society where we've worked so hard to make women and men equal partners in marriages and parenthood, is it considered normal for the woman to be The Boss? We complain that men act like teenage boys, all sex and games and hanging out with their buddies, all boob-watching and joke-making, but we treat them like the lesser half of an unequal partnership. If we want men to act like men, we have to start treating them like men.