Unmarried, Christian, and Kinky: A Dilemma!

In a lot of my posts I just assume that two kinky, Christian sexual partners are married. This isn't because I think it's always the case, but because it is easier to not get into that murky area of unmarried sex.

But unmarried Christians can still be kinky, can still be involved in the BDSM lifestyle, and can still want sex. If you take the Lord at His word when he tells us:

Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body. -1 Corinthians 6:18-20.

and

The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God. -Galatians 5:19-21

and

But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality. -Ephesians
5:3

and... okay, you get the point!--

then it's pretty obvious that, Biblically speaking, single and engaged Christians don't yet have the right to enjoy sexual intimcy with each other. However, that doesn't mean it doesn't happen quite a lot, even among true and devout Christians who truly want to follow God's ways.

How can a kinky, unmarried Christian stay pure without indulging in sexual sin?

Of course, the most basic, obvious answer is to do just what the Bible says--Flee sexual immorality--and not have anything to do with kinkiness or sex until you're married. I think it's telling here that the Bible uses the word "flee" sexual immortality. God isn't telling you to leave, or to sowly walk away, dragging your feet, or to flirt with sexual immorality a little bit and then ultimately slip away before you "sin." God is telling you to flee!!!! That's a strong word in the English language. I wish I knew Greek so I could tell you what it means in the original version, but I know that to flee sexual immorality means to keep it out of your life, thoughts, daydreams, actions, words, and heart until such a time as it is no longer sinful: when you're married.

On the other hand, it's really, really, really difficult to flee something that seems such a basic part of our human natures as kinkiness and sexuality. Our sexuality is a gift, something precious given us by God to enjoy in holy matrimony, so don't ever believe the people who try to tell you that God hates sex! I think it's one of His best gifts.

I can tell you that, unfortunately, being kinky isn't something that just magically appears on your wedding nigt (I wish!). It's something you'll have to struggle with probably from your teens until you are married. That would be a lot easier back in the days when people were kept from the opposite sex until marriage, and then married off at 15 or 16 as soon as their bodies were ready for sex, but in today's Western cultures, we put off marriage until we are 28 or 29 a lot of the time---more than a decade after our bodies are ready to start having sex!

Those years in between wanting sex and marriage can be a hard road for a Christian. I know I started having fantasies about being raped about the age of 14 or 15, long before I knew the words kinky or BDSM, and when I became a serious Christian at age 18 I just had to train myself to stop fantasizing or having impure thoughts. It was hard, and took a lot of discipline, but I eventually did it. I still struggle with it now, seven long years later, but I'm happy to say I'm getting married to a Christian, kinky man in 2 months and our long, hard wait is finally about to be over!

Are there things a Christian can do that involve kinkiness and sex, but don't involve sex (vaginal, anal, oral, or manual versions of sex are all still sex)? Sure.

Here are a few ideas. You can find out a wealth of information about each on the web, ask questions on Fetlife, or click the links to see more about that topic in my past blogs.

Compare each to the Word and ask fellow Christians or pastors if you feel comfortable. Judge my advice by God's Word and, in the end, pray about it before you decide what is right and holy for you to do as an unmarried, kinky Christian.

• making out can be sexy and kinky. Only you and your partner can know when it goes from "sexy" to "sexual sin," so be careful and communicate here. When we first started dating, my fiance and I experimented with kinkiness by making out, wrestling, and him pulling my hair or slapping me a little. This incorporated BDSM into our lives without any penetration or sex happening.
• Bondage can be sexy without ever leading to sex. There are a billion books or videos on different bondage techniques and "rope art." Experiment with these!
• Spanking and other forms of hitting can also be a sexy, cathartic release without having to lead to sex. Slapping, hitting, spanking, and other physical forms of torture like pinching, pulling hair, or light choking can be sexy and fun. Try these out now, before it has the pressure to lead to sex, and see what each of you likes and how far you can take it. On the other hand, if you want to try choking and asphixiation, read my Dom's warnings on this kink before you try it.
• Try chastity devices. Before marriage is a great time to try out chastity! These can be a sexy form of control before marriage that reinforces your BDSM bond while requiring sexless love.
• Pray together. This will strengthen your bond as a couple, your relationship with God, and help you fight the urge to sin when it arises.
• Without sex, see if you can exeriment with subspace. Do lots of research on it. See if the Dom or Domme can get the sub into subspace with just your voice or a glance.
• Use this time to do a lot of talking. Decide on your safe words, talk about what you think is sexy, determine your limits and do lots of research on types of BDSM like Christian Domestic Discipline (CDD) or 24/7 Power Exchange.
• If you'll want totake your BDSM into your marriage, talk it out now, before your marriage starts. Here are some examples of contracts you can check out.

Making a Sub Submit

A discussion I've started on Fetlife is about how to make someone submit. I'm very curious to know more about this topic.

A lot of people have trouble with the idea of "making" a sub (or slave) submit, because BDSM is, of course, completely consensual and voluntary. So if you start to force someone to submit who doesn't want to, some people fear it becomes abuse and no longer consensual BDSM.

Well, while I see that, I'm not sure I always agree. In my "regular" mentality, I'm a total control freak. That powerhouse of a woman I am would not dream of letting my fiance boss me around, especially since in regular life I feel I'm the more capable of the two of us. I know what needs to be done and I do it, or I remember errands that need to be run and I have to be in charge of reminding him to do them. Now, I'd love to be in a situation where my fiance was in charge all the time, but that's just not the way we are. I'm a control freak, a perfectionist, and a driven force of nature, and he's more laid back.

So until I'm in my "sub" mentality, I don't let go. Oh, it's not that I don't want to! But I'm a strong, capable woman, and I'm not about to let go of the reins until I know he can be trusted with them. So I hold on to them with a death grip until he forces them out of my hand. If he can't force them out of my hand, I know (for right now) I'm still the stronger one and I need to be the one in control. This is not a great thing about me, but it is true; I struggle with submitting!

At the same time, I have no desire to be the Domme. I yearn for a man who is in control, in charge, and powerful all the time. Someone who can force me into subspace with a glance or a certain tone. Someone who can remind me of my place and that's it's behind him, not out in front crusading and leading the way. I'm simply not sexually interested at all in a man who is a sub to my Domme.

Well, this sometimes gives me trouble. I want to submit, but I don't want to submit!

Welcome to being a woman, I guess. :)

Some fellow sub-women on Fetlife seem to be able to just give away control easily. I admire them and envy them. However, it is not in my nature to give up leadership to someone who is less fit for it than I am--I live my life by strict principles of what is just and right. If you want to lead, you have to earn it. If you want to lead me, you have to do a better job at it than I would. Otherwise, what glory is there in your position of "Dom"? It isn't real, it isn't something either of us can respect, and we are both just living a lie.

Now sometimes, my fiance becomes my Dom. He doesn't seem to really be sure how he does it, because he can't do it on command---it just happens or it doesn't. (This is frustrating to both of us!) I've tried to explain to him how he does it. He just seems.... so much more confident. He doesn't bully me or use control in a bad way. But on the other hand, he isn't laid back or passive. He sometimes hits this perfect balance of domination that just works for us. He is calm, confident, and manly. He is gentle, stern, guiding, and self-aware. He doesn't boss me around, but in his requests I hear an underlying manliness that makes me know they aren't just requests.

I love this state. I love how it makes me feel. I love that then I feel more relaxed, more feminine. You see, I don't like to be in control all the time. I would prefer to have a manly, strong, formiddable, gentle man--like in the books--to lean on for decisions, to get things done, to match my own fiery personality and drive in life. Sometimes my fiance does this, don't get me wrong. Sometimes I really crave it, and I whine and sulk because "we aren't doing BDSM enough." I complain that "I'm sexually bored." Of course, this tends to make him defensive and me critically and nagging. We end up arguing about whose fault it is---mine for being too picky or his for being too uncreative in bed---which, of course, is totally against the Bible. After all, our faith tells us:

"As far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." (Romans 12:18).

Nagging, criticism, and bickering over sex-- the one thing God designed to be perfectly uniting and selfless---it totally not what two Christians should be doing. Yet sometimes we find ourselves there.

So can you make a submissive submit? In my opinion, what I want my fiance to do is NOT abuse. If a man or woman MADE someone submit when they didn't want to, that would be abuse. But in my heart of hearts, I want to submit. I yearn to be pushed forcibly into subspace where I can relax and know that the man who loves me is in charge of everything and will take care of me. But I don't trust him or anyone else enough to just go to such a place of submission and lack of control unless I know they can be trusted to take care of me once I'm there. I have to have it proved to me.

In the end, what I want is a fight---and I want to lose. I want to fight him, tooth and nail, so that when I am finally defeated, I know it was a real defeat, not simply that I pretended to fight and then bowed down to an undeserving adversary. I want someone worth his salt, someone who can make me submit, someone who compels me to be submissive by the very fact that he is so dominating. I know some kinksters would not agree with me on this, and say a sub must submit voluntarily.

But that is not something I know how to do.

Breast Cancer and Lubes!

It's October, and that means it's Breast Cancer Awareness month. It's time to support all the stores out there who are supporting women, and there are a lot of them. Some of these stores include NFL, Home & Gardens, Babeland, Twitter, and more!

For all you women out there, here's how to do a self-breast exam. Doing this simple procedure once a month can help protect you from breast cancer by finding the warning signs early.

Babeland has a great program for the month of October. Buy any of their Pink October toys and they'll donate part of the proceeds to fighting breast cancer!

Also, Babeland has a great, great savings program right now that I love! It's called Stock Up and Save. Basically, the company is giving you a 25% discount on the three things we all use most in our sex lives: lubes, condoms, and batteries.

Now, I don't use condoms, so I can't be any help to you there (but all products have customer reviews at the bottom of the page), but I am a very picky lube user, so I'm excited about this sale. I am picky about lubes because both my Dom and I have sensitive skin. We didn't know this until we tried two varieties of lube (from a store other than Babeland) that were perfectly fine for vaginal use but that stung like MAD during anal use. And let me tell you, there is no less sexy way to end a BDSM session than when I have to jump up and run to the bathroom before I scream. Not only did it disappoint us both, but I totally lost any arousal we'd had worked up. So the moral of this story? Only use lubes that you trust.

My favorite, favorite lubricant ever is Entice by Babeland. My Dom and I love it since it's clear, colorless, odorless, and easy to use. And the best thing about it is that it is completely comfortable and painless, even with anal use. Any time we use sex toys, dildos, butt plugs, or even when we tried fisting, we used Entice. You can get a bottle for $6 or even try a sample for just $1.50.

Another thing I like from Babeland is that you can sample a lot of items for cheap before you have to invest big bucks in a bottle of something you might not even like. If you are new to the lubricant world, or just like to try new samples for cheap, Babeland has a cool Lube Sampler Pack where you can try six mini-packets of lube for $7. And the sampler pack includes my fave, Entice, so if you want to sample it because you don't trust me when I say it's awesome, this gives you an easy way to do it.

Babeland also has Babelicious, a flavored lube, that is still glycerin free. I don't do flavored lubes, but a lot of people love them, so give it a shot if that's your thing.

They also have popular and famous lubes like Astroglide and Maximus, which is a really heavy lube safe for anyone wanting to do anal play. The Maximus is on sale, anywhere from $1 for a sample to $16 for a big bottle.

Anyway, because I don't believe in sending my readers to buy batteries and condoms online when they could get them at their local grocery store for cheaper and without the shipping costs, I went online and checked out some prices for AA batteries like the ones Babeland sells. I was surprised (and impressed), but Babeland actually sells their batteries at the same mark-up as major stores like Walmart. So you won't lose money by buying your condoms and batteries there, especially with the 25% Stock Up and Save discount, and you'll definitely get a better quality lubricant than you'll find in local pharmacies and sex shops. Check it out!

Review: Stroke 29 Cream

Ooops. When I bought this, I just read the description (not the title) and I thought I was just getting regular lube.

Oh well.

Needless to say, I was a bit shocked when I got the box and it said "Stroke 29: Masturbation Cream!" While this is a type of lube, it is a lube only to be used for hand jobs, not for vaginal or anal sex, so I didn't get what I thought I was getting. Silly me, since once I went back and read the description again, it was pretty clear I'd made a mistake and not understood what I was getting. Oh well! I handed it to my honey and shrugged.

As far as Stroke 29 being the best male masturbation cream ever, I can't tell you because my Dom is not a big jerker and when we do it together, I prefer to do it dry. But we gave it a go, and he liked it.

Stroke 29 is definitely a cream, not a liquid, and it's thick and gooey at the beginning. I liked that it was easy to warm up in my hands (I don't want to put cold goo on his dick!) and that, once we'd started, we did not need to go back for more. Ever. Ever, ever, ever. My Dom can go forever (a whole 'nother story, there...) but this stuff lasted. It was like the Energizer Bunny! This made my life easier, plus made the entire experience easier on my hands and wrists.

As far as the company's claim that the cream will eventually feel like "aroused human tissue".... *snorts*. I think not. Sorry, but no cream, lube, Fleshlight, or fake vagina is ever going to feel like the real deal, no matter what sex shop adverts try to convince us. Oh well... my Dom and I didn't expect my hands to magically turn into a moist vagina with this cream, so we weren't disappointed when it didn't happen.

I've just asked him what he thought and he says that, unlike other lubes, this cream was slick but not so slick that he couldn't feel any friction. In other words, it stayed enjoyable even when it was slick and fast.

I will say that the cream is smooth, it's easy to use, and it's easy to clean up. The thickness evaporates quickly and after a few strokes you are left with a silky glide much like other lubes and lotions I've tried, but without the mess. It also has coconut oil and Aloe Vera, making it good for the skin and leaving my hands (and his nether regions, I'd imagine) soft and smooth afterward. It was like a manicure, but free!

Stroke 29 isn't cheap---it's normally $22 at Babeland, but on sale now for more like $17---but the jar is huge so I can't imagine we'll have to buy another one anytime soon. So as far as lubes go, if you and your hubby like to start out with a nice, long hand job, it's worth your money because this jar will last forever. Energizer Bunny, remember?

Enjoy!