I realize everyone is starting to feel the hit to their pocketbooks these days and I thought this is a good time to write a blog about affordable restraints. I know there are some many great restraints out there offered by companies and retailers. You can visit the links in the upper right-hand side to get your hands on some creative means to tie your sub down. Let's suppose you're like most people worldwide and watching what you spend. You may have to save up for little splurges like an under the bed or a door jam restraint. My purpose today is to give you simple ideas that will help you keep your sub under control.
The first place you should visit is your local hardware store! There are all sorts of good materials here to make dominating your sub so much easier. First get a shopping cart and make your way to the aisle where tape is sold. Don't be like everyone else and reach directly for the duct tape! You want something that is sticky and a little more pliable. My suggestion is that you buy several rolls of electrical tape. It's not as sticky and won't leave a residue on your sub's skin. You can also be smart about this and roll the tape on sticky side out. This will keep the tape from sticking to their skin and you can cut out your sub more quickly in case a safeword is uttered or you need to apply some quick after care. The other upside to electrical tape is that it's black and that's much more sexy than the ugly dull silver color of duct tape.
The other option available at the hardware store is rope, of course! There should be all types available to you. You may be able to buy it off of a spool or you could buy the bungee cords! The rope would be a great option if you wanted to cause a little bit of pain with the restraining, because the sub would struggle and chafe themselves. The bungee cords are a great idea when you have something sturdy to which to mount your sub. I'm thinking a headboard, fence, or the garage door railing. I encourage you to be creative. If you wanted to spread your sub's legs mount the rope on either side of the bed and watch them squirm as you fasten each leg down and apart.
The next option will bring out the handy man (woman) in you. Chains are available, too. Find the studs in your wall and bolt these chains to them. Now if you've purchased a little rope you can attach the rope to the chains and now you have a permanent pleasure center in house.
There are nicer and more delicate ways to subdue your partner. You can go to a discount store and pick up scarves for cheap. This can be used when you want to treat your sub to a sensual, seductive time. There is the option of fuzzy handcuff, but for some reason I can never take them seriously. The cuffs look like they belong to a muppet cop. Silk is nice and strong at the same time. Go to a fabric store and pick up some. Then go home and cut it into strips, this saves your from having to buy manufactured scarves you're just going to use for restraints only.
These are only a few ideas, but I hope they start you in the right direction. Doms I ugre you to remind your subs how good it feels to be owned today! Tie them down and let them know you love them and how dirty they are. Always remember to be safe!
11/27/2008
11/24/2008
Marking Your Sub
Do you want the power rush of marking or branding your sub, without the permanent scars left from an actual tattoo or branding? If marking your human Toy as a sign of ownership sounds kinky or sexy to you, check out some of these slightly less permanent ideas:
Barely There Marks (less than 1 day)
- light bite marks
- marking with edible treats (chocolate sauce, etc.)
- washable markers
- Body Painting Kit
- Fake tattoos
Moderately Permanent Marks (1-6 days)
- Hickies
- Deep bite marks
- Bruises, welts, and blisters from impact play
- Shaving
Almost Permanent Marks (1-2 weeks)
- Permanent markers
- Henna tattoos and markings
Permanent Marks (there til you remove them)
- piercings: clit, Prince Albert, or more traditional piercings
- jewelry: rings, necklaces, etc.
- Collars
- chastity devices (with a lock, of course!)
11/23/2008
How to Deal with Female Ejaculation Messes
After reading the book Female Ejaculation and the G-Spot by Deborah Sundahl, I've been thinking hard about the inherent prejudices against the sexy women who gush, squirt, dribble, or spray. While other women are joyfully getting their groove on any and everywhere, we are discriminated against in the arena of sexual possibility: we can't do it in cars, hotel rooms, beds, couches, sofas, our parents' guest bedroom, or anywhere else covered in fabric or where other people could see the proof of our "playing." *sob* It's a hard life.
So, if having sex for the rest of your life on cold, painful, hard tile floors is not appealing to you (me, either!), I have amassed some resources from internet research, sex toy websites, the wisdom of my girfriends, and years of experience. Here are a few trinkets that should do the trick:
1. The most obvious (and most unappealing) answer is to just have sex in places where it won't matter if you spray and where cleanup is easy. These include the outside (ick!), the shower (I hate standing up for sex!), or hardwood/tile/linoleum floors (ow!).
2. The next, but equally unappealing, suggestion is to change the sheets (and bedcover, and blanket, and pillows, and mattress cover, and mattress if you're like me...). Again, good sex deserves to be rewarded with good cuddling and sleep, not hopping your naked butt out of bed to do laundry!
3. Towels. Lots and lots of towels. Put them under your butt, and have more ready nearby so you can just change them out as you soak through. Of course, the downside is it's hard to aim for one tiny towel during a rompin' good time, it kills the mood to stop and change towels mid-scene, and you can still soak through to the bedding.
4. Aim for the man. Let's face it, I've never met or heard of a guy who was not absolutely thrilled with female orgasm. Most are willing to drink it; though some may balk at that, none mind getting it on their skin. It's easier to wash a man than a sheet.
5. Get creative with your mattresses. One idea is to put two made mattresses on your bed. After sex, throw the top one on the floor and sleep on the warm, dry one underneath. Another idea is to buy a plastic mattress cover. Or, if you don't like creaking your way through sex, buy an inflatable plastic bed that you can just hose off afterward.
6. Buy a commercially-made furniture protector for this very purpose. I found several sex toy stores that carry them. Holistic Wisdom has a waterproof throw for $85. Getinthemood.com sells disposable Luv Liners for $12.99 and washable Luv Linens for $36 (although I feel compelled to mention the site isn't very professionally done and has spelling and grammatical errors at a high school level). A Woman's Touch sells a Liberator's Shag/Satin Thro for $86. Have fun, wash, and reuse.
So, if having sex for the rest of your life on cold, painful, hard tile floors is not appealing to you (me, either!), I have amassed some resources from internet research, sex toy websites, the wisdom of my girfriends, and years of experience. Here are a few trinkets that should do the trick:
1. The most obvious (and most unappealing) answer is to just have sex in places where it won't matter if you spray and where cleanup is easy. These include the outside (ick!), the shower (I hate standing up for sex!), or hardwood/tile/linoleum floors (ow!).
2. The next, but equally unappealing, suggestion is to change the sheets (and bedcover, and blanket, and pillows, and mattress cover, and mattress if you're like me...). Again, good sex deserves to be rewarded with good cuddling and sleep, not hopping your naked butt out of bed to do laundry!
3. Towels. Lots and lots of towels. Put them under your butt, and have more ready nearby so you can just change them out as you soak through. Of course, the downside is it's hard to aim for one tiny towel during a rompin' good time, it kills the mood to stop and change towels mid-scene, and you can still soak through to the bedding.
4. Aim for the man. Let's face it, I've never met or heard of a guy who was not absolutely thrilled with female orgasm. Most are willing to drink it; though some may balk at that, none mind getting it on their skin. It's easier to wash a man than a sheet.
5. Get creative with your mattresses. One idea is to put two made mattresses on your bed. After sex, throw the top one on the floor and sleep on the warm, dry one underneath. Another idea is to buy a plastic mattress cover. Or, if you don't like creaking your way through sex, buy an inflatable plastic bed that you can just hose off afterward.
6. Buy a commercially-made furniture protector for this very purpose. I found several sex toy stores that carry them. Holistic Wisdom has a waterproof throw for $85. Getinthemood.com sells disposable Luv Liners for $12.99 and washable Luv Linens for $36 (although I feel compelled to mention the site isn't very professionally done and has spelling and grammatical errors at a high school level). A Woman's Touch sells a Liberator's Shag/Satin Thro for $86. Have fun, wash, and reuse.
Safewords for Doms: Because Doms Are People, Too!
A safeword, obviously, is usually used by the bottom (or sub), to say that her limits have been pushed or the scene has gotten to real, scary, emotional, traumatizing, or painful. But tops (Doms) need safewords, too!
Being the Dom can often be emotionally difficult. Not only do you have to play the role of a bad guy (rapist, torturer, abuser), but you have to emotionally and/or physically hurt someone you love. While you are acting a scene, your head is probably screaming, "No!" because that's how we've been conditioned by society. Wanting to hurt, control, humiliate, and degrade someone are things society tells us are bad. In addition, your loved one may be crying, begging, screaming, bleeding, cowering in a corner, or whimpering. Even though part of your mind tells you they're safe and this is what you both wanted, there can be that other part that is taunting you, "You're a terrible person. How could you want this? How could you enjoy this? These desires are dirty, nasty, perverted, and wrong. How could you be so turned on by this person's pain?"
Not only do you have to be strong enough to ignore this and tell yourself your desires are normal, healthy, and only enacted after communication and consent, but Doms are also in charge of the physical, mental, and emotional wellbeing of another person. Your sub has given you her love, trust, and control: you are in charge of two people! Not only do you have to be careful to remember your agreed-upon limits and listen for safewords, but you have to be constantly monitoring your sub's body language, mental state, and emotional signals. Subs who are in subspace often cannot communicate to you that they are being hurt, may forget their safewords, or may not even realize they're in pain until it's too late. (To better understand Subspace, see my dom's post on this.)
So have Doms used safewords? Absolutely. If a scene gets too stressful, or the Dom isn't sure what is going on in the sub's head, he may need to call a break with the safeword. A safeword (called by either person) can completely end the scene, or just be a call for a short break so you can ask a question, communicate that something is off-kilter or needs to be changed, or simply touch base with your partner. Often, if you sub is in subspace, you may need to use the safeword, wait patiently for their daze to wear off, and check to make sure everything is okay (and not just "subspace okay," but REALLY okay).
I've heard of Doms calling safewords. One woman was going to brand her lover in front of dozens of friends, but could tell the mood was off. She used the safeword and they put it off for a few weeks. Other Doms may just need to take a break, or stop altogether because they are not enjoying the scene or are experiencing too much pain/confusion/conflict to play responsibly with two people's safety and wellbeing. Just like driving drunk, if you are not fully capable of being in control of both of you, don't get behind the wheel! BDSM scenes can always wait for another day.
Doms can also experience Top-drop or Dom-drop and may need aftercare. (Top-drop is the same as subdrop, but experienced by the Dom and not the sub. For more info, see my dom's original post.) Because they are enjoying something society says is wrong and perverted, after a scene the Dom may feel a rush of depression, self-loathing, or embarrassment. One Mistress engaged in SPH (Small Penis Humiliation) with her slave because he desired it, but after such sessions of making fun of him for his body, taunting him, and breaking down his self esteem, she suffered major Top-drop. Doms and Dommes in this position need tender aftercare as well. (For more on aftercare, see my related post.)
So even if you are a Dom, top, Master, Mistress, Daddy, trainer, or Mommy, remember: you're not Super(wo)man! By topping, you take on a huge responsibility, and this can be draining for anyone. Make sure both partners have a safeword, feel free to use it without feeling judged, and are provided with loving aftercare.
Be safe and have fun!
Being the Dom can often be emotionally difficult. Not only do you have to play the role of a bad guy (rapist, torturer, abuser), but you have to emotionally and/or physically hurt someone you love. While you are acting a scene, your head is probably screaming, "No!" because that's how we've been conditioned by society. Wanting to hurt, control, humiliate, and degrade someone are things society tells us are bad. In addition, your loved one may be crying, begging, screaming, bleeding, cowering in a corner, or whimpering. Even though part of your mind tells you they're safe and this is what you both wanted, there can be that other part that is taunting you, "You're a terrible person. How could you want this? How could you enjoy this? These desires are dirty, nasty, perverted, and wrong. How could you be so turned on by this person's pain?"
Not only do you have to be strong enough to ignore this and tell yourself your desires are normal, healthy, and only enacted after communication and consent, but Doms are also in charge of the physical, mental, and emotional wellbeing of another person. Your sub has given you her love, trust, and control: you are in charge of two people! Not only do you have to be careful to remember your agreed-upon limits and listen for safewords, but you have to be constantly monitoring your sub's body language, mental state, and emotional signals. Subs who are in subspace often cannot communicate to you that they are being hurt, may forget their safewords, or may not even realize they're in pain until it's too late. (To better understand Subspace, see my dom's post on this.)
So have Doms used safewords? Absolutely. If a scene gets too stressful, or the Dom isn't sure what is going on in the sub's head, he may need to call a break with the safeword. A safeword (called by either person) can completely end the scene, or just be a call for a short break so you can ask a question, communicate that something is off-kilter or needs to be changed, or simply touch base with your partner. Often, if you sub is in subspace, you may need to use the safeword, wait patiently for their daze to wear off, and check to make sure everything is okay (and not just "subspace okay," but REALLY okay).
I've heard of Doms calling safewords. One woman was going to brand her lover in front of dozens of friends, but could tell the mood was off. She used the safeword and they put it off for a few weeks. Other Doms may just need to take a break, or stop altogether because they are not enjoying the scene or are experiencing too much pain/confusion/conflict to play responsibly with two people's safety and wellbeing. Just like driving drunk, if you are not fully capable of being in control of both of you, don't get behind the wheel! BDSM scenes can always wait for another day.
Doms can also experience Top-drop or Dom-drop and may need aftercare. (Top-drop is the same as subdrop, but experienced by the Dom and not the sub. For more info, see my dom's original post.) Because they are enjoying something society says is wrong and perverted, after a scene the Dom may feel a rush of depression, self-loathing, or embarrassment. One Mistress engaged in SPH (Small Penis Humiliation) with her slave because he desired it, but after such sessions of making fun of him for his body, taunting him, and breaking down his self esteem, she suffered major Top-drop. Doms and Dommes in this position need tender aftercare as well. (For more on aftercare, see my related post.)
So even if you are a Dom, top, Master, Mistress, Daddy, trainer, or Mommy, remember: you're not Super(wo)man! By topping, you take on a huge responsibility, and this can be draining for anyone. Make sure both partners have a safeword, feel free to use it without feeling judged, and are provided with loving aftercare.
Be safe and have fun!
11/22/2008
Review: Female Ejaculation and the G-Spot
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Subspace and Subdrop
There are two important aspects of the D/s relationship that aren't very evident to the beginner. The first one I'd like to mention is Subspace. This is a change in the mind of the sub, which takes them into a trance-like state. I've seen sources state it's akin to mediation or hypnosis. It seems to be a certain type of head space that is actually therapeutic for the sub. It is possible during the experience to access places in the sub's mind where they were previously abused. Recreating these events in a controlled environment can be a way for the sub to overcome the past. It is also pleasurable, because the levels of endorphins and hormones present in the bloodstream cause a euphoric state. This is a difficult subject to write anything authoritative due to the experiences being very unique and individualized.
How do we get there?
Sometime during the scene, the sub will become more and more detached from what is going on around them. Sometimes the beginning of subspace will come at the first command and others will need a longer warm-up. Your job as the Dom is to continue issuing firm and simple commands. Always be sure to enforce discipline with your sub so they know you are watching and care about them. They will most likely try and resist, but you should be well aware of this. Continue on and don't give in when the sub becomes a little bratty. You will start to see the sub get more turned on and more compliant. The natural high your actions induce will be more and more evident. Eventually, the sub will start to obey commands without resistance and display traits of an out-of-body experience. Welcome your sub to subspace.
What happens afterward?
Now the second item I want to mention is subdrop, which occurs directly after you finish the scene. This is the natural depression that follows subspace. The body's own painkilling chemicals and morphine-like drugs start to wear off. The corporal and emotional pain you caused is starting to settle in the sub's mind. Your job as the Dom is not over once the scene is. You are now to follow through with aftercare (refer to my sub's great post for tips). Take care of the wounds you created and cuddle your sub. Communicate to them how much you love them and how special they are. Get them water and a blanket. You should treat your sub like a patient going into shock, because that is exactly what their body is doing.
Final Thoughts
The experiences for the Dom and sub during subspace/subdrop will be highly unique. The Dom will be in control from start to finish and experience the rush of adrenaline power can bring. The sub will receive natural high courtesy of their bodies and Doms. It is a useful state that can bring pleasure and/or healing. Doms should always give aftercare during subdrop. It is the most important step. Lack of aftercare could result in your sub doubting their trust in you. I think that in order for this to be a working part of your S&M routine you have to be open to it and create a comfortable environment for both people.
References
11/21/2008
Dirty Talk 201: Foreign Languages
Warning: Adult language included.
This is Part 2 of a continuing commentary on dirty talk in the bedroom. For Part 1, click on Dirty Talk 101.
I mentioned in my previous blog on Dirty Talk that a great idea for sexy talk outside the bedroom, in public, at a party, etc. is using a foreign language. This is deliciously naughty because no one else knows what you're saying! It's a great way to get your spouse revved up and ready to head straight home to bed! I know some of my sweetest memories are when my Dom leaned over in the mall dressing room, handed me the next set of clothes, and whispered, "Who's my hot little Schlampe?" I was blushing and grinning to myself in the dressing room the whole time.
I speak Spanish, and in the past I was always terribly disappointed when my boyfriends weren't interested in a steamy make-out session where I spoke to them in Spanish. I had one boyfriend who spoke French, and he could get me so hot and bothered without ever touching me it was ridiculous. My dom speaks German, and while Spanish and German just lack the beautiful, soothing, sexy sound of some dirty French, it can still be hot. Sometimes. Mostly it just annoys the crap out of me because I've gotten uptight in my old age and it bugs me to not know what he's saying. Ah well.
So if you don't fluently speak another language, I can't teach you in a blog, but I can give you a few words to pick. Use the ones you like!
French
Spanish
German
Russian
This is Part 2 of a continuing commentary on dirty talk in the bedroom. For Part 1, click on Dirty Talk 101.
I mentioned in my previous blog on Dirty Talk that a great idea for sexy talk outside the bedroom, in public, at a party, etc. is using a foreign language. This is deliciously naughty because no one else knows what you're saying! It's a great way to get your spouse revved up and ready to head straight home to bed! I know some of my sweetest memories are when my Dom leaned over in the mall dressing room, handed me the next set of clothes, and whispered, "Who's my hot little Schlampe?" I was blushing and grinning to myself in the dressing room the whole time.
I speak Spanish, and in the past I was always terribly disappointed when my boyfriends weren't interested in a steamy make-out session where I spoke to them in Spanish. I had one boyfriend who spoke French, and he could get me so hot and bothered without ever touching me it was ridiculous. My dom speaks German, and while Spanish and German just lack the beautiful, soothing, sexy sound of some dirty French, it can still be hot. Sometimes. Mostly it just annoys the crap out of me because I've gotten uptight in my old age and it bugs me to not know what he's saying. Ah well.
So if you don't fluently speak another language, I can't teach you in a blog, but I can give you a few words to pick. Use the ones you like!
French
- ma plotte = my cunt
- ma salope = my slut
- puttain = bitch
- J'arrive! = I'm coming
- Je veux joir dans ton corp = I want to come inside your body.
- Je t'aime = I love you
Spanish
- puta = slut, bitch
- Chinga = Fuck!
- Chingame = Fuck me
- Chupame, mi bella putita = Suck me, my beautiful little bitch
- Ponme los dedos, AHORA = Put your fingers inside me, NOW
- Mas fuerte = Harder
- Muerdame = Bite me.
- Te quiero, te amo = I love you.
- Te deseo = I want you.
German
- meine dreckige Schlampe = my dirty slut
- Du dreckiger Schlampe! WEG. = You dirty slut, go AWAY!
- Dann, sich öffnest dein dreckige Schnauze. = There, open your dirty mouth.
Russian
- suka = bitch
- (also cyka = bitch?)
- kurwa = bitch
- chuj, kutas = dick
- pierdol się = fuck you!
- Vaffanculo = fuck you, fuck off!
- el mio Cazzo = my dick, cock
- Frocio = faggot (pronounced "fro-chi-o)
- oppai = boobies
- manko = pussy
My Resources:
Thanks to the folks at Fetlife for their discussions!
To Yahoo! Answers!
And to my friends and teachers!
"Task" Ideas (Homework for your sub)
First off, sex isn't school. So why is there homework? Well, you don't have to incorporate homework, but some subs like it (I don't). Also, some doms and Masters enjoy it.
Remember, your goal as a Dom or Domme is threefold: to bring you sub closer to God, closer to themselves, and closer to you. If giving them an assignment will do any of these three, it is a worthwhile activity that can help grow your sub into a better person.
There are multiple reasons to give tasks to your sub: to train them in obedience, for practice submitting, because they enjoy writing or research, so you can learn about something new without doing the work, to have them research something you like to get to know you better, as a punishment for something they've done wrong, to discipline them, for Teacher/student or Principal/student roleplaying, because you think it's hot, because your sub gets off on this kind of humiliation, or purely for the power rush of making people do what you say (this is actually why I became an educator. Just kidding. At the time, I thought it had something to do with changing the future, leaving the world a better place, yada yada...).
If you want to give your sub an assignment, and it isn't one of their limits, go for it! Remember, the point is to strengthen your sub or your relationship, not to be a controlling jerk. Here are some ideas:
Remember, your goal as a Dom or Domme is threefold: to bring you sub closer to God, closer to themselves, and closer to you. If giving them an assignment will do any of these three, it is a worthwhile activity that can help grow your sub into a better person.
There are multiple reasons to give tasks to your sub: to train them in obedience, for practice submitting, because they enjoy writing or research, so you can learn about something new without doing the work, to have them research something you like to get to know you better, as a punishment for something they've done wrong, to discipline them, for Teacher/student or Principal/student roleplaying, because you think it's hot, because your sub gets off on this kind of humiliation, or purely for the power rush of making people do what you say (this is actually why I became an educator. Just kidding. At the time, I thought it had something to do with changing the future, leaving the world a better place, yada yada...).
If you want to give your sub an assignment, and it isn't one of their limits, go for it! Remember, the point is to strengthen your sub or your relationship, not to be a controlling jerk. Here are some ideas:
- read Song of Songs (Song of Solomon) or a Christian sex book
- do a devotional of your choosing, reporting back to you at the end of the week (or do it together!)
- do housework with one hand handcuffed or tied, while you watch
- do housework with a dress code (forced feminization for guys, or wearing just an apron or just crotchless panties for girls) while you watch
- writing: erotica, fantasies, or letters to you about the relationship, things they'd like to improve, or favorite memories with you
- writing letters to God
- journaling every day (or once a week, etc.)
- doing research: any subject you'd like to know more on, BDSM, sex tips, relationship advice, etc.
- wear butt plug to do housework or for day (at work or in public)
- apply tiger balm to clit before housework: if they do well, reward with sex, if bad, reapply and give them a good caning. (Tiger balm burns!)
- Remember, this NOT just to get work done you don't want to do--must be something that makes either YOU or your sub feel erotic about doing!
- wear vibrator or remote-controlled sex toy to work or party---fun fun fun at your hands all night!
- take pictures for you
- have them describe themselves to you in sexy terms in permanent black marker. They can pick the four words that are most "Them" and write them, one on their chest, each inner thigh, and just above the crotch.
- cut up old panties into strips and make knotted rope to tie self with
- online or real sex diary, to build confidence or libido
- 15 minutes positive reflection per day
- 15 minutes doing something they enjoy and need but don't do: healthy food, singing, going to the gym, walking outside, dance class, reading, bubble bath and candles, soothing or devotional music, etc.
- tasks geared to help worriers relax: yoga, reading, bubble bath, playing or listening to music, praying, devotion, going to an extra Bible study or praise and worship session in the week
- tasks geared to help low self-esteem get better: list of positive things about themselves (add three things a day!), positive reflection, taking pictures of body parts they don't like as beautiful art, drawing body parts they don't like as beautiful, reading self-esteem books, etc.
Anything that will build your partner up sexually, emotionally, or physically is game. So is anything you both feel comfortable with that will make one or both of you feel sexy or more intimate. As a Dom, you want your spouse to be as happy and healthy as possible! And as their leader in the sexual realm, you can help make that a reality in real life.
Limits
Limits are a very important of BDSM. They are something you and your spouse must talk about first, before you try anything new. As you do research and discover more and more things that can be included in your sex life, you may find some of the activities surprise you, disgust you, intrigue you, turn you on, turn you off, make you sad, or anger you. This is totally normal! And this is why limits come into play.
A limit is something you don't want to try. Setting general limits allows the Dom (or Domme) for the scene a lot of creative freedom. If they come up with a great new idea in the middle of a scene when it is too late to talk about it, and it doesn't violate one of your limits (and you don't use your safeword), they can go ahead and try it!
Soft limits are things you are not comfortable with now, are unsure about, or don't think you want to try. However, there is some room for future reconsideration. I have found that, as I delve more and more into trust and BDSM with my dom, that some things I found "gross" at the beginning are actually becoming more acceptable and intriguing to me with time. I just needed time to think about them and get used to the idea!
Hard limits are things a top can never push! These limits are Set In Stone. You do NOT want to mess with someone's hard limits.
You and your spouse should take some time to research BDSM, read books, browse the internet (find informational articles, not erotica or porn!), and peruse chat rooms and blogs. Share what you learn, take time alone to think and set your own limits, and then share with your partner. Respect each other's limits.
BDSM is based on trust. You should be able to tell your partner your deepest, darkest fantasies, even if you are afraid they are "wrong" or your partner will be disgusted. Communicate openly!
And remember, never be judgmental toward your partner. If your spouse details a dark fantasy about how they want to dress you up as a pony, ride you around the room, and make you neigh and whinny during sex, and you are totally not into that, don't judge them (pony play is an actual part of BDSM, btw). Listen in a nonjudgmental, supportive way, tell them you understand and appreciate their desire, but say right now you just don't think you could do that. Never make your partner feel lesser or judged for sharing a fantasy; that will stop all future communication, and that is never a good thing!
If you're still not sure what limits are, I will give you some examples from my own experience:
A limit is something you don't want to try. Setting general limits allows the Dom (or Domme) for the scene a lot of creative freedom. If they come up with a great new idea in the middle of a scene when it is too late to talk about it, and it doesn't violate one of your limits (and you don't use your safeword), they can go ahead and try it!
Soft limits are things you are not comfortable with now, are unsure about, or don't think you want to try. However, there is some room for future reconsideration. I have found that, as I delve more and more into trust and BDSM with my dom, that some things I found "gross" at the beginning are actually becoming more acceptable and intriguing to me with time. I just needed time to think about them and get used to the idea!
Hard limits are things a top can never push! These limits are Set In Stone. You do NOT want to mess with someone's hard limits.
You and your spouse should take some time to research BDSM, read books, browse the internet (find informational articles, not erotica or porn!), and peruse chat rooms and blogs. Share what you learn, take time alone to think and set your own limits, and then share with your partner. Respect each other's limits.
BDSM is based on trust. You should be able to tell your partner your deepest, darkest fantasies, even if you are afraid they are "wrong" or your partner will be disgusted. Communicate openly!
And remember, never be judgmental toward your partner. If your spouse details a dark fantasy about how they want to dress you up as a pony, ride you around the room, and make you neigh and whinny during sex, and you are totally not into that, don't judge them (pony play is an actual part of BDSM, btw). Listen in a nonjudgmental, supportive way, tell them you understand and appreciate their desire, but say right now you just don't think you could do that. Never make your partner feel lesser or judged for sharing a fantasy; that will stop all future communication, and that is never a good thing!
If you're still not sure what limits are, I will give you some examples from my own experience:
- Soft limits: whipping, being tied up for more than an hour, pony/puppy play, needle play, kidnapping scenes.
- Hard limits: being forced to give oral sex, anything involving excrement or feces, having other people watch or participate in sex, nipple torture (ow!), porn.
Remember: Communicate, respect each other, and have fun!
11/19/2008
11/18/2008
Aftercare: An Important Part of Any Sex
We've talked a lot in this blog about how to terrorize and torture a sub, both mentally and physically. It is important to note that in BDSM, a sub derives some sort of pleasure from being frightened, dominated, hurt, or manipulated; it is never nonconsenual. Both partners enjoy doing something kinky and exciting. But I think it is really, really important to emphasize something we have not yet mentioned: aftercare.
Aftercare is exactly what it sounds like: taking care of your sub after your "scene" is done! It does not matter if the scene ended with a safeword or just because you were done; aftercare is vital!
Whoever is playing the Dom or Domme for this scene needs to be prepared to give your sub aftercare. The human body absolutely must receive time to heal from physical wounds or emotional trauma. Even if it was all in good fun and both parties desired it, the sub needs this TLC from their Dom. The human body does not register a difference between pain the person wants to receive and pain the person does not want to receive: your brain still releases the same chemicals, and your body still goes into fight-or-flight mode.
If your play was especially dangerous or edgy, your sub may be in physical shock. Even if not, their heart will be pounding and adrenaline surging through their body, and they need you, someone who loves and cares for them, to take care of them now.
Some good activities for aftercare for subs are:
Of course, these scenes can be hard on doms, too. Even if they want it, it can be difficult for a dom to have to play "the bad guy." They have to yell, hit, beat, or scare someone they love. They have to play a role that society says is wrong, immoral, or bad. That can be difficult for someone to maintain for any length of time.
Some good activities for aftercare for masters are:
Aftercare is exactly what it sounds like: taking care of your sub after your "scene" is done! It does not matter if the scene ended with a safeword or just because you were done; aftercare is vital!
Whoever is playing the Dom or Domme for this scene needs to be prepared to give your sub aftercare. The human body absolutely must receive time to heal from physical wounds or emotional trauma. Even if it was all in good fun and both parties desired it, the sub needs this TLC from their Dom. The human body does not register a difference between pain the person wants to receive and pain the person does not want to receive: your brain still releases the same chemicals, and your body still goes into fight-or-flight mode.
If your play was especially dangerous or edgy, your sub may be in physical shock. Even if not, their heart will be pounding and adrenaline surging through their body, and they need you, someone who loves and cares for them, to take care of them now.
Some good activities for aftercare for subs are:
- wrapping a warm blanket around them, as body temperature drops drastically when your body comes out of shock
- holding them and cuddling them silently
- stroking their hair
- giving them a massage
- bringing them a glass of water to rehydrate their body
- bring them a snack, especially if your mate has low blood sugar issues
- applying aloe if you've hit them hard enough to break or bruise the skin
- whispering quietly to them, rubbing their back, and reminding them how much you love them
- letting them cry, be angry, shake, or whatever they need to feel at that moment
- talking quietly about the scene, what they felt, what you liked, and re-sharing the intimacy of it together
- playing soft music, talking soothingly to them, reading to them, praying together, drawing them a warm bath, or anything else soothing
Of course, these scenes can be hard on doms, too. Even if they want it, it can be difficult for a dom to have to play "the bad guy." They have to yell, hit, beat, or scare someone they love. They have to play a role that society says is wrong, immoral, or bad. That can be difficult for someone to maintain for any length of time.
Some good activities for aftercare for masters are:
- rubbing sore muscles (if you've been hitting hard)
- cuddling and being held
- whispered words of love and loyalty
- sharing that you did, indeed, enjoy the scene and appreciate their efforts to play "the bad guy" for you.
Identity Crisis Solved: All those darn BDSM terms!
When entering the BDSM scene, it is easy to feel confused and lost. BDSM makes you really think about your wants, desires, and how you want them fulfilled. There are a host of terms used by BDSMers, and they aren't interchangable! People may wonder, "Am I a top? Switch? Sadist? Master? Daddy? How do I know?!?!?" A full-blown BDSM identity crisis may ensue. Fear not, we have the answers! :)
First off, BDSM is an acronym for many things: Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Slave and Master, and Sadism and Masochism. It is possible to be interested in one or many of these roles!
A sadist is, very simply, one who enjoys inflicting pain. What keeps a BDSM sadist from being a common criminal sociopath is that BDSM sadists only enjoy it if their partners are willing. A masochist is just the opposite: someone who enjoys receiving pain for sexual pleasure. Of course, for both these people, context is important: it is sexy to spank your partner during role play, but it's not sexy to jam your finger in the door accidentally. A sadist and masochist won't enjoy this type of pain.
The people who enjoy both receiving and causing pain, depending on the circumstance, are called sadomasochists.
A top is related. This person is the person delivering the blows or "on top" during a scene. A bottom is the person taking the blows or "on bottom." While usually a sadist will enjoy being on top more and a masochist on bottom, anyway can fill any role. For example, a husband who isn't really interested in whipping his wife can still do it to please her. In this case, he are a top but not a sadist. Also, the terms top/bottom have nothing to do with a relationship or who has the control; you could be perfect strangers.
Once you begin to be in some sort of relationship, you get the terms submissive/dominant and slave/master.
A submissive is a person who finds sexual pleasure out of being dominated and put in a submissive position. Often, this person may be completely dominating in real life. It doesn't mean you are a wimp or a wuss if you like to be the sub! In fact, most people--both men and women--prefer to be the sub. And subs can vary on why and how they like to be dominated: some may like just being physically overpowered, while others may want to be psychologically dominated (through humiliation, namecalling, or roleplaying). Some people want both at the same time!
Each sub will vary by personality. Some people will submit to your power gladly and never fight you for it. Others will be wildcats, testing you, pushing your limits, and fighting back tooth and nail for control, to see if you can take it. Either way, it can be fun!
A dominate (Dom for males, Domme for females, or Dominatrix for females who do it professionally) is the opposite. This person enjoys being in control. For some it means physically holding you down, for others it means scaring you, for others it means asking nicely and then enjoying it as you serve them loyally. Each Dom has his/her own style and things they prefer. Also, a dom/sub relationship can be as permanent or temporary as you wish: you can agree to be a Dom for 20 minutes, or to have a D/s relationship only in the bedroom, or only on certain occasions, or a little bit in real life as well. It's up to you and your partner! The key is that both partners have to agree.
Once you go to 24/7 power exchange, it is called a Master/slave relationship. A Master is someone who is 100% in charge of the emotional, physical, mental, and sexual wellbeing of his slave. (A female is called a Mistress.) This is a Dom who does it full time! A slave is a sub who submits, not just in the bedroom, but every minute of every day. They are given rules to follow (in their dress, relationships, activities, and sexual lives) that must be obeyed explicitly. In return, they expect 100% love and care from their Master. Often these people find a real intimacy in serving and being served so consistently, and this is fine as long as the relationship does not become idolatrous.
Most of you out there are actually probably Switches. This means you switch with your partner, and can play both Sub and Dom, top and bottom, sadist and masochist. You are the most versatile of all BDSM players, because you can enjoy many roles!
There are also other terms of interest. A Daddy is someone who is a Master, but always in a protective, fatherly way. This person may like to engage in age play with a woman who derives sexual and psychological healing or pleasure from pretending to be a younger adult, teen, child, or baby. Of course, if you prefer to pretend to be an infant, you are called a Baby.
A Boi is a term used either for an effeminate man or a butch woman. So, if your wife sometimes acts tough and manly in the bedroom, you could call her your Boi. Likewise if you are a woman who likes to make your husband dress in women's clothing and pretend to be feminine.
On a personal note, I self-identify as a sub. But realistically, I am a submissive and bottom. On rare occasions I am also a bit of a masochist and a switch, but these are rare enough that I don't integrate them as part of my identity, but rather as sporadic aberrations from it. This is because I love to be dominated in the bedroom, physically but especially psychologically and emotionally (sub). I enjoy being on the receiving end of all our activities (bottom). I put up with pain because my Dom enjoys it, but it is only on occasion that I actually enjoy it for its own sake (biting, slapping), which makes me a tiny little bit of a masochist but not much. And on rare, rare occasions, I like to give my dom a taste of his own medicine by taking control and teasing him (switch). But mostly, I am a sub.
In contrast, my dom is a Dominate, sadist, and top. He is not a switch, definitely, and never really likes to be submissive. He is a true sadist, who gets off on seeing me squirm when he hurts me a little. He is also very dominating, getting off on power by controlling me physically and mentally (this is the point of "training"). So far, he has never been a Master or a Daddy to me, but there is always next time. :)
Hope this helps! Play safe and remember, research new moves before you try them out on someone else!
First off, BDSM is an acronym for many things: Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Slave and Master, and Sadism and Masochism. It is possible to be interested in one or many of these roles!
A sadist is, very simply, one who enjoys inflicting pain. What keeps a BDSM sadist from being a common criminal sociopath is that BDSM sadists only enjoy it if their partners are willing. A masochist is just the opposite: someone who enjoys receiving pain for sexual pleasure. Of course, for both these people, context is important: it is sexy to spank your partner during role play, but it's not sexy to jam your finger in the door accidentally. A sadist and masochist won't enjoy this type of pain.
The people who enjoy both receiving and causing pain, depending on the circumstance, are called sadomasochists.
A top is related. This person is the person delivering the blows or "on top" during a scene. A bottom is the person taking the blows or "on bottom." While usually a sadist will enjoy being on top more and a masochist on bottom, anyway can fill any role. For example, a husband who isn't really interested in whipping his wife can still do it to please her. In this case, he are a top but not a sadist. Also, the terms top/bottom have nothing to do with a relationship or who has the control; you could be perfect strangers.
Once you begin to be in some sort of relationship, you get the terms submissive/dominant and slave/master.
A submissive is a person who finds sexual pleasure out of being dominated and put in a submissive position. Often, this person may be completely dominating in real life. It doesn't mean you are a wimp or a wuss if you like to be the sub! In fact, most people--both men and women--prefer to be the sub. And subs can vary on why and how they like to be dominated: some may like just being physically overpowered, while others may want to be psychologically dominated (through humiliation, namecalling, or roleplaying). Some people want both at the same time!
Each sub will vary by personality. Some people will submit to your power gladly and never fight you for it. Others will be wildcats, testing you, pushing your limits, and fighting back tooth and nail for control, to see if you can take it. Either way, it can be fun!
A dominate (Dom for males, Domme for females, or Dominatrix for females who do it professionally) is the opposite. This person enjoys being in control. For some it means physically holding you down, for others it means scaring you, for others it means asking nicely and then enjoying it as you serve them loyally. Each Dom has his/her own style and things they prefer. Also, a dom/sub relationship can be as permanent or temporary as you wish: you can agree to be a Dom for 20 minutes, or to have a D/s relationship only in the bedroom, or only on certain occasions, or a little bit in real life as well. It's up to you and your partner! The key is that both partners have to agree.
Once you go to 24/7 power exchange, it is called a Master/slave relationship. A Master is someone who is 100% in charge of the emotional, physical, mental, and sexual wellbeing of his slave. (A female is called a Mistress.) This is a Dom who does it full time! A slave is a sub who submits, not just in the bedroom, but every minute of every day. They are given rules to follow (in their dress, relationships, activities, and sexual lives) that must be obeyed explicitly. In return, they expect 100% love and care from their Master. Often these people find a real intimacy in serving and being served so consistently, and this is fine as long as the relationship does not become idolatrous.
Most of you out there are actually probably Switches. This means you switch with your partner, and can play both Sub and Dom, top and bottom, sadist and masochist. You are the most versatile of all BDSM players, because you can enjoy many roles!
There are also other terms of interest. A Daddy is someone who is a Master, but always in a protective, fatherly way. This person may like to engage in age play with a woman who derives sexual and psychological healing or pleasure from pretending to be a younger adult, teen, child, or baby. Of course, if you prefer to pretend to be an infant, you are called a Baby.
A Boi is a term used either for an effeminate man or a butch woman. So, if your wife sometimes acts tough and manly in the bedroom, you could call her your Boi. Likewise if you are a woman who likes to make your husband dress in women's clothing and pretend to be feminine.
On a personal note, I self-identify as a sub. But realistically, I am a submissive and bottom. On rare occasions I am also a bit of a masochist and a switch, but these are rare enough that I don't integrate them as part of my identity, but rather as sporadic aberrations from it. This is because I love to be dominated in the bedroom, physically but especially psychologically and emotionally (sub). I enjoy being on the receiving end of all our activities (bottom). I put up with pain because my Dom enjoys it, but it is only on occasion that I actually enjoy it for its own sake (biting, slapping), which makes me a tiny little bit of a masochist but not much. And on rare, rare occasions, I like to give my dom a taste of his own medicine by taking control and teasing him (switch). But mostly, I am a sub.
In contrast, my dom is a Dominate, sadist, and top. He is not a switch, definitely, and never really likes to be submissive. He is a true sadist, who gets off on seeing me squirm when he hurts me a little. He is also very dominating, getting off on power by controlling me physically and mentally (this is the point of "training"). So far, he has never been a Master or a Daddy to me, but there is always next time. :)
Hope this helps! Play safe and remember, research new moves before you try them out on someone else!
Training Your Sub (A Dominant's Perspective)
I would like to begin this post by stating it is meant to act as a general guide on how effectively train your sub. I'm speaking from experience not only from sex, but also in real-life situations. Through my work experience I have been extensively trained and involved in the training of many people. My goal is to give you a foundation and from there you should customize your experiences to your liking.
Let's consider why you are thinking about training your sub in the first place. You obviously like to be in charge or in control of things, hence you are the Dom. You are likely not training the sub to get off on issuing commands alone. No, you probably relish the fact someone is not only intimate with you, but also trusts you completely. It is with this in mind we want to train our subs.
Our goal in training is to present our subs with a stimulus and have them react in the way we prefer. Pavlov's dogs heard a tone and then were given food. Eventually the dogs would react with an increased saliva production when hearing the tone, even if food wasn't provided. All training is essentially the same. I'm not meaning that your sub is just like a dog, but we want the sub to react consistently to us. When I issue a command or suggestion I want it done.
Let's use a concrete example. If I say, "Spread your legs," I want it to happen. The command is the stimulus I give the sub. Now, provided you said this in a firm manner and your sub is a natural, they will do what you want. Suppose you weren't firm enough or the sub is having a bad day and decides not to follow your command. Now, we have to reinforce our command with a consequence. If the consequence is negative/positive enough the slave will do a cost-benefit analysis quickly and decide they want to do what you tell them in the future. Pavlov would call this a conditioned response. After enough times the sub will do what you tell them without thinking.
An example from my life was getting my sub to say "please" and "thank you" when she wanted something. When she wanted me to bite her neck I asked her, "What do you say?" When the answer didn't come quickly, I slapped her (she likes this). She then said, "Please." The stimulus was my question and the negative punishment was the slap. She was and is a very fast learner. It took her a total of two times before she started saying please and thank you after every request.
Slapping is only one of four different avenues for enforcing discipline. You can give something nice to your sub. This could be a compliment or reward in concrete form. You can take something positive away from the sub. Say they don't do something fast or enthusiastically enough. Okay, take something away from them. I've mentioned how I presented a negative in the form of slapping. You can also reward by taking a negative away, such as removing a torture device. For a good article on this click here.
Now that we understand how the mind works. You have to decide what you are going to do with this information. You can train someone to do your bidding 24/7 and live this lifestyle all the time (this is technically a Master/slave relationship). You could also train your sub to do things a certain way like, how you want them to posture during sex. You also have to decide how this dynamic will survive if you are in a switch relationship where you decide you want to share the power.
The goal is about learning to trust someone completely enough to let go and give them control. I've heard that this is a liberating feeling for those in the sub role. Even though there is pain (emotional or physical) involved, it is a good feeling--like being high. I know that there is a rush of excitement when my sub does what I tell her or something she knows I like. It is important to remember the more you train, the more it becomes second nature.
The three most important parts of training are getting to know your sub, communication, and repetition. When you get to know your sub well you will know which type of reinforcement you should use, whether it be negative or positive. You will know what their limitations are and how far they will go to please you. It is also important to communicate effectively at all times. You need a safeword in case they decide they can't handle that type of training or punishment. Your sub needs to know what is expected of them and what type of punishments to expect when they don't follow through. Finally, the more training exercises you have the more comfortable your sub will become in following you. You will develop your own routine and hopefully feel intimately connected with your sub. I wish you well and happy training.
11/15/2008
Sex Toy Stores for the BDSM Enthusiast
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11/14/2008
Figging (How It Really Feels)
I am one dedicated blogger! I'm lying here now with a burning, aching bum. I'd been reading about figging, an activity my Dom and I had decided to try and write about on our blog. We decided to have me do it, partly--I believe--because he was chicken, but mostly because I am the logical choice as a female can experience figging anally, vaginally, and clitorally. So today I decided to go ahead and try it, even though my dom's not here now. Am I brave or what? :) Read below for my minute-by-minute commentary (and my rear still hurts!).
If the links don't work, you can reach both these blogs in the "Links We Like" box on the bottom right of the page and find them that way!
First off, here is a great article by Franklin Veux that explain what figging is and how to do it.
And here is an article by Garnet Joyce that gives a common-sense warning about why figging can be dangerous and why not to do it.
That said, I did it anyway, and here are the results:
Figging (Clitoral)
5:10 pm: Cut giner root. Listen to some music; Girls Just Want to Have Fun? No, I choose Sarah Brightman. Root is surprisingly easy to cut, like peeling an apple. And smells good! 5:14 pm: Place ginger on my clit and cross legs. Feels cold! Strange, cooling sensation down there because of cold water. Ack!
5:15 pm: still cold, but not tingling or burning yet. Patience…
5:17 pm: is it working? did I do it wrong? less cool now… almost feels normal.
5:19 pm: I need chapstick. But don’t want to move. L
5:21 pm: is that a slight, slight burning sensation on my lower left outer labia? Sigh.
5:21 pm: Yes, definitely working now. Tingling, light burning sensation on my left side and clit…. can’t decide if it hurts or is just annoying… but really it’s so light, it’s easy to ignore.
5:22 pm: Oops! Now the right side started, too!
5:23 pm: Burning is now growing steadily. At least it works! But I don’t see how it is sexy or pleasurable. It just burns. On a pain scale 1-10, it’s only like a 3, but there is nothing pleasurable about this.
5:24 pm: Ow. Ow ow ow. Oh wait, okay, now this is better. Burning just subsided into an all-over tingling/lighter burning that is less concentrated and intense, more of a slow, sharp tingling all over my clit and labia. Still not turned on, but this isn’t bad!
5:25 pm: See how dedicated I am to my blog readership?
5:26 pm: This isn’t horrible pain. Like a 4. I can see how this would be sexy if I’d done something bad and my Dom tied me up and did this to me, instead of just sitting here waiting. I would feel a little pain and fear more coming. And couldn’t take it off when I wanted.
5:28 pm: I take that back. It really doesn’t hurt enough to be a sexy punishment. And I’m not even that into pain.
5:29 pm: still sort of burns/itches. Annoying. But still at a 4, so nothing I can’t handle. Sigh. I’m rather disappointed. The burn doesn’t seem to be growing anymore, so I’m going to take it off, throw this piece away, and start with the next “experiment.”
Figging (Vaginal)
5:30 pm: Take another small piece of ginger root. Still smells good! I’m only going to use the smaller knife this time. My clit still burns a bit, by the way, even with the ginger in the trash.
5:31 pm: Begin carving. The ginger smells fantastic, by the way! How can I incorporate freshly-cut ginger scent into my home decorating? Hm…
5:33 pm: Done carving. It’s hard to keep it smooth, and when you pull rather than cut the peel off, it gets stringy. Kind of awkward. My clit still sort of burns. *mad face*
5:35 pm: have now inserted ginger. Now it’s awkward to sit cross-legged to type.
5:37 pm: a much more immediate reaction! I could feel something the moment I put the ginger in. Now it is burning a bit. It also hurts, but I think this is due to my clamping my vaginal muscles around it to try to hold it in more so than the size or shape of it. I’ll try to relax…
5:38 pm: Again, nothing too painful, just an annoying, tingling burn inside and a soreness on the lips as they try to hold the ginger in (I’m sure this could be fixed by making it longer. But I’m sure this would be sexy to have a Dom tie me up bent over something, carve this in front of me, insert it in, and leave me, returning later once it burns a bit to spank or paddle me. Especially a big piece. *evil grin*
5:40 pm: The burn is nothing to the pain around my inner lips… it just aches and feels uncomfortable! Not fun! On the 1-10 pain scale, the ginger burn is about a 1 or a 2 and the ache is about a 4 (5 when I tighten up!)
5:42 pm: I can’t take it anymore. The burn is nothing, but this ache is not worth it. I must have shaped it funny, or not made it long enough so the end of the ginger is hurting the vaginal opening. Make it longer next time so the two don’t come in contact!
Figging (Anal)
5:43 pm: This is what figging was originally intended for, but it’s the one I’m least enthused about trying. Ick. Oh well, it’s research! My insides still ache ache ache, by the way!!! The burn is completely gone, but it did not sit well inside my body! But the burn was nothing, much less even than compared with my clit. I wonder if it’s because of my body’s natural lubricants? I’ve read lube decreases the effects, and I do self-lubricate a lot…
5:51 pm: I have inserted the root, slowly and carefully. I took much more care with this one to make it smooth and round… imagine the possibilities if I didn’t *shudder*. I do have to be careful to relax consciously, as it is thin and could break easily, and I feel my intestinal muscles could probably break it easily on accident. That would be…awkward.
5:52 pm: Once again, a much more immediate sensation! I can feel it right away, it’s neither painful nor pleasurable, just cool (from the water) and a light, almost featherlike tingle.
5:53 pm: a side note as I wait: Doms, if you want to try this, make sure you make your partner squeeze, both during and after. It makes it hurt slightly more, and since I’m getting barely any pain out of this supposedly-very-painful activity, it might be necessary. I wonder if it’sbecause my root was a few days old? It shouldn’t matter til you peel it, but maybe not-fresh root loses its potency.
5:54 pm: Yep, definitely burning now! Ow! Just a 3.5 on my pain scale, so if my Dom did this to me I would still be grinning smugly because I’m stubborn, but for just sitting around my room alone, it definitely hurts a bit!
5:55 pm: Still holding steady with a steady, even burn right about a level 4. Meaning I can feel it, it’s uncomfortable, but not too bad. Nothing to make me scream or fight. Might be worse if I were being spanked, but honestly, I think a good hard slapping session or paddling would be much, much better punishment.
5:56 pm: It’s just elevated to a definite 5 or 5 and a half. I’m a little excited, as this experiment has been mostly a bust!
5:57 pm: Okay, we’re to a 5 or 6. It burns, and it hurts! But if I were being punished, nothing. You’d still get no peep out of me. The point of hurting someone is to break them: make them moan, scream, cry, and beg you to stop even when they don’t want to. It hurts! But I could definitely take it with no noise. Definite 6 now!
5:59 pm: It just occurred to me that it may not be getting higher than a “6” pain level because I’m not clenching. I tried once, lightly, and I think my behind burst into flames. It would definitely be much, much worse if I seriously clenched down. So if you can do something to make your partner clench (like paddling them), that’s an idea, but I think it might be dangerous because butt muscles are strong and ginger is very weak. It would be terrible to break it inside you on accident and not be able to get it out… what an awkward trip to the doctor that would be! That said, it is probably not wise to ever put something in your bum that isn’t made to go there (like a dildo) so, be careful! A dildo covered in Bengay will do the trick for the pain and be much safer!
6:01 pm: Okay, I’m in some serious pain now, but still about a 6 and still nothing that forces me to make a peep. I’m considered this experiment done, for what it’s worth, and taking the ginger out. And then washing my hands.
That said, my recommendation would be that, if you want to try figging, stick to clitoral and vaginal stimulation (places where it can't get stuck more than 4 inches up your body). If you are interested in other anal play or pain, use a dildo or vibrator made for such purposes and cover it with Bengay for an evil burn. Figging was interesting once, but not all it's cracked up to be.
Signing off at 6:15 pm, with a still-burning bum.
Additional note: I had rectal bleeding the next day, and used a very small and painless piece. Online research suggests ginger and other irritants can cause this on sensitive skin. Stick to sex toys; don't try this!
If the links don't work, you can reach both these blogs in the "Links We Like" box on the bottom right of the page and find them that way!
First off, here is a great article by Franklin Veux that explain what figging is and how to do it.
And here is an article by Garnet Joyce that gives a common-sense warning about why figging can be dangerous and why not to do it.
That said, I did it anyway, and here are the results:
Figging (Clitoral)
5:10 pm: Cut giner root. Listen to some music; Girls Just Want to Have Fun? No, I choose Sarah Brightman. Root is surprisingly easy to cut, like peeling an apple. And smells good! 5:14 pm: Place ginger on my clit and cross legs. Feels cold! Strange, cooling sensation down there because of cold water. Ack!
5:15 pm: still cold, but not tingling or burning yet. Patience…
5:17 pm: is it working? did I do it wrong? less cool now… almost feels normal.
5:19 pm: I need chapstick. But don’t want to move. L
5:21 pm: is that a slight, slight burning sensation on my lower left outer labia? Sigh.
5:21 pm: Yes, definitely working now. Tingling, light burning sensation on my left side and clit…. can’t decide if it hurts or is just annoying… but really it’s so light, it’s easy to ignore.
5:22 pm: Oops! Now the right side started, too!
5:23 pm: Burning is now growing steadily. At least it works! But I don’t see how it is sexy or pleasurable. It just burns. On a pain scale 1-10, it’s only like a 3, but there is nothing pleasurable about this.
5:24 pm: Ow. Ow ow ow. Oh wait, okay, now this is better. Burning just subsided into an all-over tingling/lighter burning that is less concentrated and intense, more of a slow, sharp tingling all over my clit and labia. Still not turned on, but this isn’t bad!
5:25 pm: See how dedicated I am to my blog readership?
5:26 pm: This isn’t horrible pain. Like a 4. I can see how this would be sexy if I’d done something bad and my Dom tied me up and did this to me, instead of just sitting here waiting. I would feel a little pain and fear more coming. And couldn’t take it off when I wanted.
5:28 pm: I take that back. It really doesn’t hurt enough to be a sexy punishment. And I’m not even that into pain.
5:29 pm: still sort of burns/itches. Annoying. But still at a 4, so nothing I can’t handle. Sigh. I’m rather disappointed. The burn doesn’t seem to be growing anymore, so I’m going to take it off, throw this piece away, and start with the next “experiment.”
Figging (Vaginal)
5:30 pm: Take another small piece of ginger root. Still smells good! I’m only going to use the smaller knife this time. My clit still burns a bit, by the way, even with the ginger in the trash.
5:31 pm: Begin carving. The ginger smells fantastic, by the way! How can I incorporate freshly-cut ginger scent into my home decorating? Hm…
5:33 pm: Done carving. It’s hard to keep it smooth, and when you pull rather than cut the peel off, it gets stringy. Kind of awkward. My clit still sort of burns. *mad face*
5:35 pm: have now inserted ginger. Now it’s awkward to sit cross-legged to type.
5:37 pm: a much more immediate reaction! I could feel something the moment I put the ginger in. Now it is burning a bit. It also hurts, but I think this is due to my clamping my vaginal muscles around it to try to hold it in more so than the size or shape of it. I’ll try to relax…
5:38 pm: Again, nothing too painful, just an annoying, tingling burn inside and a soreness on the lips as they try to hold the ginger in (I’m sure this could be fixed by making it longer. But I’m sure this would be sexy to have a Dom tie me up bent over something, carve this in front of me, insert it in, and leave me, returning later once it burns a bit to spank or paddle me. Especially a big piece. *evil grin*
5:40 pm: The burn is nothing to the pain around my inner lips… it just aches and feels uncomfortable! Not fun! On the 1-10 pain scale, the ginger burn is about a 1 or a 2 and the ache is about a 4 (5 when I tighten up!)
5:42 pm: I can’t take it anymore. The burn is nothing, but this ache is not worth it. I must have shaped it funny, or not made it long enough so the end of the ginger is hurting the vaginal opening. Make it longer next time so the two don’t come in contact!
Figging (Anal)
5:43 pm: This is what figging was originally intended for, but it’s the one I’m least enthused about trying. Ick. Oh well, it’s research! My insides still ache ache ache, by the way!!! The burn is completely gone, but it did not sit well inside my body! But the burn was nothing, much less even than compared with my clit. I wonder if it’s because of my body’s natural lubricants? I’ve read lube decreases the effects, and I do self-lubricate a lot…
5:51 pm: I have inserted the root, slowly and carefully. I took much more care with this one to make it smooth and round… imagine the possibilities if I didn’t *shudder*. I do have to be careful to relax consciously, as it is thin and could break easily, and I feel my intestinal muscles could probably break it easily on accident. That would be…awkward.
5:52 pm: Once again, a much more immediate sensation! I can feel it right away, it’s neither painful nor pleasurable, just cool (from the water) and a light, almost featherlike tingle.
5:53 pm: a side note as I wait: Doms, if you want to try this, make sure you make your partner squeeze, both during and after. It makes it hurt slightly more, and since I’m getting barely any pain out of this supposedly-very-painful activity, it might be necessary. I wonder if it’sbecause my root was a few days old? It shouldn’t matter til you peel it, but maybe not-fresh root loses its potency.
5:54 pm: Yep, definitely burning now! Ow! Just a 3.5 on my pain scale, so if my Dom did this to me I would still be grinning smugly because I’m stubborn, but for just sitting around my room alone, it definitely hurts a bit!
5:55 pm: Still holding steady with a steady, even burn right about a level 4. Meaning I can feel it, it’s uncomfortable, but not too bad. Nothing to make me scream or fight. Might be worse if I were being spanked, but honestly, I think a good hard slapping session or paddling would be much, much better punishment.
5:56 pm: It’s just elevated to a definite 5 or 5 and a half. I’m a little excited, as this experiment has been mostly a bust!
5:57 pm: Okay, we’re to a 5 or 6. It burns, and it hurts! But if I were being punished, nothing. You’d still get no peep out of me. The point of hurting someone is to break them: make them moan, scream, cry, and beg you to stop even when they don’t want to. It hurts! But I could definitely take it with no noise. Definite 6 now!
5:59 pm: It just occurred to me that it may not be getting higher than a “6” pain level because I’m not clenching. I tried once, lightly, and I think my behind burst into flames. It would definitely be much, much worse if I seriously clenched down. So if you can do something to make your partner clench (like paddling them), that’s an idea, but I think it might be dangerous because butt muscles are strong and ginger is very weak. It would be terrible to break it inside you on accident and not be able to get it out… what an awkward trip to the doctor that would be! That said, it is probably not wise to ever put something in your bum that isn’t made to go there (like a dildo) so, be careful! A dildo covered in Bengay will do the trick for the pain and be much safer!
6:01 pm: Okay, I’m in some serious pain now, but still about a 6 and still nothing that forces me to make a peep. I’m considered this experiment done, for what it’s worth, and taking the ginger out. And then washing my hands.
That said, my recommendation would be that, if you want to try figging, stick to clitoral and vaginal stimulation (places where it can't get stuck more than 4 inches up your body). If you are interested in other anal play or pain, use a dildo or vibrator made for such purposes and cover it with Bengay for an evil burn. Figging was interesting once, but not all it's cracked up to be.
Signing off at 6:15 pm, with a still-burning bum.
Additional note: I had rectal bleeding the next day, and used a very small and painless piece. Online research suggests ginger and other irritants can cause this on sensitive skin. Stick to sex toys; don't try this!
Orally Pleasuring a Female...BDSM Style
This is a how-to guide to all those men out there without proper knowledge of the female anatomy or how it needs to be pleasured. I haven't been classically trained in the art of cunnilingus, however I do get good reviews from my little sub. She has told her female friends about the way in which I pleasure her and they all wanted me to give lectures to their boyfriends. Being that I love to go down on my lady (and in fact crave it) I'm going to pass on my knowledge that you too may give yours that inner glow, which comes from your tongue caressing their most delicate flower.
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A good and satisfying experience for the woman starts long in advance. Men, it doesn't start when she is beginning to disrobe in preparation of your naked bodies meeting. No, it starts in the middle of dinner when you lean over and tell her how good she tastes. Then go back to eating like nothing ever happened. Then you continue to periodically remind her how badly you need your tongue on her clit. When she smiles or blushes be sure to tell her she's dirty for enjoying that moment.
Then when you arrive somewhere safe enough to follow through (notice I didn't limit this to the bedroom, be creative. Go outside!). Be sure to tease her. Take you time kissing her and telling her she's irresistible. Take of her top slowly, pay attention to shoulders, chest, and then breasts, and caress her body with your hands. If during this time she makes a mistake punish her for it. Nothing like the hot/cold treatment to turn your girl on. They won't mind, in fact, they will thank you for it if they are well trained.
Now it comes time to work your way down on her. Be dominating and assertive with her. Give her guidelines or boundaries, like stay quiet. When they aren't, enforce the rules. Simple. Then add in some humiliation. Tell them to spread their legs slowly. Describe to the girl how she looks spread eagle in front of you. Now is the time when just a little teasing is necessary. The longer tease between dinner and now works in your favor. She wasn't sure if she was getting any all night. Now that her legs are open and you can smell her beautiful scent, she knows where you're going. No need to pretend like you're going to drop her like a bad habit to play Xbox 360.
Now you are licking her lips and clit gently. Now I've read enough articles in Cosmo to know that every woman is different! Some are going to have highly sensitive clits, which keep them from enjoying a head on lick. These women will require a very light and gently lick and keep it slow and light. Other women will not be as sensitive and want you to give them more pressure. Either way I've never, ever read a complaint from a woman that said her man was too light on her clit. By the way, if you haven't figured it out yet it's all about communication.
Use the flat part of your tongue and not the point. This will create a nice, firm pressure. The point of your tongue will most likely just hurt. Spend more time on the clitoral hood than on the clit itself. The clit may be acceptable to stimulate, but this will be easier once she is turned on and close to cumming. Another thing is that it is acceptable to suck some on her clit, but never use teeth. You don't want her to chow down on you with her teeth, so don't do it to her! It's also okay for you to suck on her, too. This includes the labia and clit. You just need to change things up and keep it interesting for her. To change it up be sure to slide a finger or two into your partner. Give them to come hither motion to hit their G-Spot and watch them writhe in ecstasy.
Now, if you are evil you can control her orgasm and make her beg to cum all over your mouth. Make her say please and thank you. If she disobeys any rules in the process make her pay.
This is important! I realize that you as a male will want to crank up the speed to 10 once you see your lady's back arch and you hear those little pants/moans come out...it seems counter intuitive, but men slow and steady wins the race!
Now she has cum all over your face and is a sweaty, panting mess. Congratulations! Be sure to make the sub thank you before they drift off to a post-orgasmic nap. Good luck out there and happy licking!
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