Thanking God that He has brought into my life a man who loves me, cares for me, is selfless to me, and is a great father to our child. Yes, my Dom can be stubborn. Pigheaded. A sinner. Have a temper. But he is also loving, and patient, and kind.
And that, my friends, is sexy.
(What do I see as sexy? He asked me to answer this. What do I see as sexy, hmmmm... Well, I'd say a clean face and hairless torso are sexy. Firm muscles instead of flab are sexy. A smile is sexy. Confidence is sexy. Dominating me when I want to be ;) is sexy. Wanting me is sexy. Taking me on dates you planned is sexy. Joking with me and being my head is sexy. Those things are sexy.)
11/17/2012
10/19/2012
Sex problems
My new sub angst (or not so new) is how to combine my ideas of D/s and our real life.
I want a great sex life. I want to be turned on by my husband. I want to want him. My perfect scenario would be we have great D/s control almost every day, with kissing or making out or messing around most days, and sex 1-3 times a week but still sexual activity most days. In this scenario I would want him and would be eager for sex and we'd both enjoy it.
But it's not that way. I don't want sex. If he initiates it I shrink away, feeling scared and sick and sort of disgusted. If he continues I might get into it just because he's controlling me, but then after a few minutes I get bored and I just resent him because I think it's taking FOREVER and why can't he just come in 5 minutes?
And then I resent him because it seems he either wants sex or nothing. I miss when we were dating and we weren't having sex. Because our "sex life" was much better then. We made out, it was hot and heavy and sexy. We messed around a lot and would spend hours pleasing each other and it was great. That never happens now. He wants sex, or I don't want sex, and we don't do anything.
I want to want sex. But I don't.
I have dreams where I am turned on by him. I want him, the way I used to. Arousal and orgasm are so much better in these dreams. But, when real life comes, I barely get turned on. I can come with a vibrator, but it's nothing compared to an emotional orgasm with someone I love and who knows how to please me. It feels good, but impersonal, and it has nothing to do with him.
When I use my vibrator I try to think about him. I try to imagine he is bossing me around and telling me what to do and I am so mentally turned on. But it is hard to maintain that fantasy. It's been too long. It is easier to just enjoy the physical sensations and not think about him at all. And then, when my mind starts to wander, I picture a new, tall, muscular man who dominates me completely. And then I feel guilty for not picturing my husband and I have to concentrate on not picturing anyone.
I need to get mentally engaged in our sex life again. But how?
I want a great sex life. I want to be turned on by my husband. I want to want him. My perfect scenario would be we have great D/s control almost every day, with kissing or making out or messing around most days, and sex 1-3 times a week but still sexual activity most days. In this scenario I would want him and would be eager for sex and we'd both enjoy it.
But it's not that way. I don't want sex. If he initiates it I shrink away, feeling scared and sick and sort of disgusted. If he continues I might get into it just because he's controlling me, but then after a few minutes I get bored and I just resent him because I think it's taking FOREVER and why can't he just come in 5 minutes?
And then I resent him because it seems he either wants sex or nothing. I miss when we were dating and we weren't having sex. Because our "sex life" was much better then. We made out, it was hot and heavy and sexy. We messed around a lot and would spend hours pleasing each other and it was great. That never happens now. He wants sex, or I don't want sex, and we don't do anything.
I want to want sex. But I don't.
I have dreams where I am turned on by him. I want him, the way I used to. Arousal and orgasm are so much better in these dreams. But, when real life comes, I barely get turned on. I can come with a vibrator, but it's nothing compared to an emotional orgasm with someone I love and who knows how to please me. It feels good, but impersonal, and it has nothing to do with him.
When I use my vibrator I try to think about him. I try to imagine he is bossing me around and telling me what to do and I am so mentally turned on. But it is hard to maintain that fantasy. It's been too long. It is easier to just enjoy the physical sensations and not think about him at all. And then, when my mind starts to wander, I picture a new, tall, muscular man who dominates me completely. And then I feel guilty for not picturing my husband and I have to concentrate on not picturing anyone.
I need to get mentally engaged in our sex life again. But how?
What subs want
What subs want.
- A man who treats her like a princess and expects her to treat him with respect and honor.
- A man whose attitude toward the world about her is "You gotta go through me first!"
- Protective
- Confident
- Bossy
- Consistent
- High sex drive
- Knows her intimately, her dreams and fears
- Leads her to be a better person
- Leads their family
- Decisive
- Makes decisions and protects her from the stress of it all
- Someone obviously really into her body and turned on by her
- Someone who doesn't just want her for her body, but thinks it's a great bonus ;)
- Stands up for her to her family
- Stands up for her to his family
- Stands up for her to his friends
- Supports her and is her cheerleader
- Pushes her
- Punishes her
- Loves her
- Rewards her
- Compliments her
- Cherishes her
- Owns her
- Needs her
- Loves her
9/16/2012
How do you relax?
I pose a question to my readers:
How do you relax enough to enjoy sex, BDSM, D/s, and DD? How do you make your mind let go so you can give in completely to your submission or to your dominance?
I have a hard time "letting go" and relaxing. It is hard to enjoy it. I feel like I should fight more, or less, or enjoy it more, or less, or something.
How do you make yourself relax?
How do you relax enough to enjoy sex, BDSM, D/s, and DD? How do you make your mind let go so you can give in completely to your submission or to your dominance?
I have a hard time "letting go" and relaxing. It is hard to enjoy it. I feel like I should fight more, or less, or enjoy it more, or less, or something.
How do you make yourself relax?
8/06/2012
Challenge for Kinksters
Something I see a lot on the internet and in comments/emails posted to me about this blog is new kinksters feeling confused about where to start. What do they want? Which label best describes them? Are they top, Dom, Master, Owner, Daddy, slave, sub, switch? How do they convince their husband/wife/partner to be kinky with them?
So my advice for beginners, other than try everything once and don't be afraid to experiment with the different facets of BDSM to see which ones you really like, (see my beginner's guides for many of these things on this blog), is this: if you think you are interested in the D/s aspect of BDSM, try it for ten minutes a day. Period.
Too many people--me included--get so excited as beginners that they rush out the gate from total newbie to 24/7 D/s slavery. Fueled by sexy BDSM erotica, first-time websites, and mental fantasies they are sure will soon be realized, partnerships can burn out too fast and end in total disappointment, tears, fights, and frustrations.
Trust me. My Dom and I have been there!
Start slowly. Yes, I know it's exciting! And very, very sexy. But start slowly and let yourselves build up to the right level of D/s for you. Be creative and don't be afraid to experiment. And--this lesson is very important and one I learned the hard way, many times, before it sank it--don't criticize when you communicate. Just communicate. No judgments or criticisms necessary. Trust me, they won't be received well.
Start for a week and set the goal of incorporating some D/s into your days for 10 minutes a day. It doesn't have to be a lot. When we were newlyweds, we had a lot more time to devote to D/s and BDSM. Now, we have a baby and a house and family and jobs and pets. We are also supposed to squeeze sleep and relaxation and a few couple-only dates into the mix. We don't have a lot of alone time for scenes or drawn-out domination.
For me, this daily dose of D/s (ha! alliteration!) works sort of like maintenance spankings work for DD couples. I don't need to be spanked, but I do need a reminder that he's in charge. That he loves me. That he makes time for me and for us. It's a time for us to re-connect briefly. And to my surprise, it gets me through the next 23 hours and 50 minutes just fine. I don't need 2-hour scenes to be happy. But I do need a reminder of his domination.
Last week, he decided to spend the last 10 minutes before bed dominating me a little bit. I really liked it. We got the baby down, watched some 30 Rock or the Olympics, cuddled, brushed our teeth, read our Bible. Then we just had a short reconnection time with dominance play involved.
One day, he simply pinned me down and kissed me. Once we wrestled and giggled and we both re-discovered how much stronger than me he is. One night he just used the vibrator on me quickly and made me come, whether or not I wanted to. Another night I was being mouthy and he flipped me over and spanked me, hard, on my thighs. I, of course, got all pissed off and stopped talking to him. He waited patiently with his arms around me until I calmed down half an hour later and was able to realize that he was not being "unfair" or a "jerk" and was just being firm and giving me discipline. Another night he used the vibrator on me and turned it up high so I couldn't come but just squirmed from pain. I hated it! I went to bed sulky and mad, but he went to bed with a malicious little smile on his face.
None of these took much time, but the next day, I wasn't so snippy or mouthy with him. Even that little bit of domination was enough to remind me who was boss and to remind him to lead me.
One night, we were too tired and we just fell into bed. Another night, we were arguing and we stayed up late trying to patch the problem. Neither night did we engage in any D/s or domination, either physical or mental.
You can guess what happened.
My attitude began to rise, unchecked. During the days, I got snippier. More mouthy. "Ha! You can't boss me around! Who do you think you are?" my body language was saying.
What do you think happened next? He felt disrespected. I felt unloved and angry. We started fighting more. Bickering more. Cuddling less.
Just 10 minutes a day, folks. It's a good way to start out and a good place to work up from.
Take the 10-Minute-a-Day Challenge. Let me know how it goes!
So my advice for beginners, other than try everything once and don't be afraid to experiment with the different facets of BDSM to see which ones you really like, (see my beginner's guides for many of these things on this blog), is this: if you think you are interested in the D/s aspect of BDSM, try it for ten minutes a day. Period.
Too many people--me included--get so excited as beginners that they rush out the gate from total newbie to 24/7 D/s slavery. Fueled by sexy BDSM erotica, first-time websites, and mental fantasies they are sure will soon be realized, partnerships can burn out too fast and end in total disappointment, tears, fights, and frustrations.
Trust me. My Dom and I have been there!
Start slowly. Yes, I know it's exciting! And very, very sexy. But start slowly and let yourselves build up to the right level of D/s for you. Be creative and don't be afraid to experiment. And--this lesson is very important and one I learned the hard way, many times, before it sank it--don't criticize when you communicate. Just communicate. No judgments or criticisms necessary. Trust me, they won't be received well.
Start for a week and set the goal of incorporating some D/s into your days for 10 minutes a day. It doesn't have to be a lot. When we were newlyweds, we had a lot more time to devote to D/s and BDSM. Now, we have a baby and a house and family and jobs and pets. We are also supposed to squeeze sleep and relaxation and a few couple-only dates into the mix. We don't have a lot of alone time for scenes or drawn-out domination.
For me, this daily dose of D/s (ha! alliteration!) works sort of like maintenance spankings work for DD couples. I don't need to be spanked, but I do need a reminder that he's in charge. That he loves me. That he makes time for me and for us. It's a time for us to re-connect briefly. And to my surprise, it gets me through the next 23 hours and 50 minutes just fine. I don't need 2-hour scenes to be happy. But I do need a reminder of his domination.
Last week, he decided to spend the last 10 minutes before bed dominating me a little bit. I really liked it. We got the baby down, watched some 30 Rock or the Olympics, cuddled, brushed our teeth, read our Bible. Then we just had a short reconnection time with dominance play involved.
One day, he simply pinned me down and kissed me. Once we wrestled and giggled and we both re-discovered how much stronger than me he is. One night he just used the vibrator on me quickly and made me come, whether or not I wanted to. Another night I was being mouthy and he flipped me over and spanked me, hard, on my thighs. I, of course, got all pissed off and stopped talking to him. He waited patiently with his arms around me until I calmed down half an hour later and was able to realize that he was not being "unfair" or a "jerk" and was just being firm and giving me discipline. Another night he used the vibrator on me and turned it up high so I couldn't come but just squirmed from pain. I hated it! I went to bed sulky and mad, but he went to bed with a malicious little smile on his face.
None of these took much time, but the next day, I wasn't so snippy or mouthy with him. Even that little bit of domination was enough to remind me who was boss and to remind him to lead me.
One night, we were too tired and we just fell into bed. Another night, we were arguing and we stayed up late trying to patch the problem. Neither night did we engage in any D/s or domination, either physical or mental.
You can guess what happened.
My attitude began to rise, unchecked. During the days, I got snippier. More mouthy. "Ha! You can't boss me around! Who do you think you are?" my body language was saying.
What do you think happened next? He felt disrespected. I felt unloved and angry. We started fighting more. Bickering more. Cuddling less.
Just 10 minutes a day, folks. It's a good way to start out and a good place to work up from.
Take the 10-Minute-a-Day Challenge. Let me know how it goes!
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