1/31/2009

A Survey of Abuse and Mental Illness in BDSM

The more I've participated in the online BDSM community, the more intrigued I've become by the way many victims of abuse or mental illness seem to use BDSM as a way to heal and bond. It is as though BDSM activities give them a chance to re-play, re-act, and re-do terrible wrongs, and reimagine them in ways that are safer, healthier, and saner.

While I knew some people found strength and healing through their BDSM activities through their online posts, I wondered how prevelant this attitude was. I asked the members of Fetlife, an online community of kinksters, to take my online survey. In particular, I asked past victims of abuse or documented mental illness, especially submissive females. This survey in no way attempts to imply a relationship between abuse and BDSM (e.g., that all kinksters were abused as children) because such an inference is clearly stereotypical and over-generalized. In addition, a cursory glance at any BDSM community disproves this assumption. In fact, actual studies done (by scientists and doctors) on BDSMers indicate they tend to be emotionally healthy, and they come from more highly educated and professionally successful sections of the population than average. Those this survey does seek out those members of the BDSM community who also happen to be from abusive or troubled pasts, and ask them how--if at all--the world of BDSM has helped them cope and heal.

In a four-week period, 103 people took my online survey. Answers to individual questions are charted and discussed below.

94% of respondents were female and 6% were male. This refers to the original biological sex of respondents, not to orientation or gender.

The following shows the age breakdown of the respondents: As you can see, no one under 18 or over 65 responded to the survey. As for the nationality (see below), 71% were American, 13% Canadian, 1% Latino/Hispanic, 7% European, 1% African, 8% other, and 0% Middle Eastern or Asian.

How much education do you have? (Percentages are shown on the lower line.)



Were you abused as a child? 71% yes, 24% no, 5% unsure.If you were abused, what type of abuse was it? (More than one answer per person is possible.) Emotional abuse was the most preveland at 64%, sexual next at 55%, 37% physical.



If you were abused as a child, who abused you? The most common answer was one of the parents (father 47% and mother 41%) with acquaintance or extended family member the next two most common.
Were you abused as an adult? Interestingly, more respondents were abused as adults (over the age of 18) than as children, with 80% having been abused as adults (compared to 71% who were abused as children).



If you were abused, what type(s) of abuse did you encounter? Once again, emotional abuse was the most prevalent form of abuse for adults. This is interesting as it is much less documented in the media than sexual and physical abuse.



If you were abused, who abused you? For adults, far fewer were abused by a parent or extended family members, while the rate of abuse by strangers and coworkers/bosses rose. By far the most common type of abuse, however, was abuse from a significant other (58%) or spouse (35%).
At what age did you begin BDSM activities?


How would you describe your BDSM lifestyle?

How would you identify yourself? ("Top" is a broad, general term encompassing Masters, Doms, Mistresses, Dommes, Trainers, Daddies, Mommies, sadists, and more; "bottom" refers to their corresponding partners, and "switch" means you identify as both roles.)



If there is a power dynamic to your BDSM activities, which role or roles do you identify with? (Individual respondents could have checked more than one answer.)


Is there a power/control dynamic in your BDSM relationship?


Which BDSM activities do you most often engage in?
How would you describe your current BDSM relationship? (The first response truncated; it was "partnered for a lifetime.")

Do you believe past abuse made you more or less drawn to BDSM? This answer was a short essay, so there is no data available. Some said it made them more drawn to BDSM, such as being controlled, dominated, hit, hurt or raped. Some said it made them less drawn to BDSM, because the same activities reminded them too much of the abuse. Some said they were abused, but it had no effect whatsoever; they are entirely separate issues.

Have you been diagnosed with a mental disorder? 78% yes, 15% no, 8% I believe I have one, but have never been medically diagnosed. *Note: an official diagnosis by a certified professional is the only way to ascertain whether or not one suffers from a mental illness.



Have you been diagnosed with depression? 79% of people surveyed responded yes. This is interesting since only 78% said they had been diagnosed with a mental disorder, and depression is a specific type of mental disorder. Indeed it is the most common of all mental illnesses. The other two options were "no" or "I believe I am depressed but have not been medically diagnosed."


What conditions have you been medically diagnosed with? 72% depression, 43% anxiety disorder, 15% panic disorder, 14% bipolar disorder, 27% PTSD, 2% schizophrenia, 3% multiple personality disorder, 20% other. It is interesting 79% said they had been diagnosed with depression in the previous question, but only 72% had been diagnosed with it here. Also, please remember that mental disorders can often (but not always) be found together, so an individual respondent may have checked more than one diagnosed disorder. "Other" responses included Borderline Personality Disorder, OCD, ADHD, and GID. It should be noted ADHD is not a mental disorder but developmental disorder.
How would you say past abuses and disorders have affected your BDSM lifestyle? The scale given was 1-5, 1 being "not at all" and 5 being "a lot." As you can see, most people were fairly neutral in their responses. Many more people reported being completely unaffected by issues of abuse or mental illness than reported being affected by it a lot. In fact, only 9 of the 103 people surveyed said their past history affected their BDSM life "a lot" (under 10%, although up to 80% had been abused and up to 79% had some sort of mental disorder).


How much do you believe BDSM has allowed you to heal from past traumas? Again, most people surveyed said not at all or were fairly neutral; the least number of people reported it allowed them to heal a lot.


Results
In all, this study found some people who were drawn to BDSM after abuse and some who were repelled by it. Some said their BDSM experiences made it easier to heal and some said it had no effect at all. Some said they became tops after abuse or disorders and others became bottoms.
Like any other community, the BDSM community is eclectic, one of varied personalities, ages, cultures, backgrounds, and beliefs. This survey has proved nothing and claims nothing, but I hope you've found the information within interesting nonetheless. My sincere gratitude to the BDSM community members who participated in this survey.

1/29/2009

Review: Babeland's Pocket Rocket

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If you are in a quandary about what to get your honey or BFF for Valentine's Day, Babeland has your answer. Try one of their best-selling vibes or dildos, get a romantic lover's kit, or warm up with some of their sexy foreplay essentials (lubes, massage oils, books, and bondage toys).

For a sweet gift under $30, I've tried out the Pocket Rocket. The first time I turned it on, the Pocket Rocket shot up to #2 on my list of Favorite Vibes Ever (second only to the unbeatable Orchid G, also from Babeland). This tiny vibe packs a punch!

The rocket vibe is only 4" long, which I love because I'm currently a resident in France and I honestly have nightmares about having to bring all my sexy toys home through customs (*internal groan*). This vibe is the first one that made me bring a sigh of relief--it will go through customs no problem. Tiny and discreet, the vibrator comes in a small box that will be disguised perfectly in your cosmetics bag as a lipstick or hand cream. If you have roommates, travel a lot, or have a nosy mother, this discreet vibe is for you!

Although the Pocket Rocket is small, its vibe packs a punch. It only comes with one speed, but I enjoyed it nonetheless--the vibration is much stronger and more intense than you'd expect from such a small toy. Since I enjoy stronger vibrations (ever since my Orchid G got me hooked), this toy was fantastic. It turned me on immediately and felt great. While I have yet to experience an orgasm with this toy, I still really enjoy the feel and find it great for foreplay. And practice makes perfect!

Another small innovation I loved was the cap-on, cap-off possibility. The plastic cap has nubs and can be used for a different pleasure sensation than the actual vibe, which gives a more intense feeling (I preferred with the cap). The plastic cap is a bit too hard for my taste, but this can be solved by holding it very lightly against the skin. If you like a lot of pressure, the cap is going to give you problems, so use it without!

The vibe uses a AA battery; I prefer vibes that can work on AA because the toys I have that work on N or watch batteries are a horrible pain to replace. The bottom section of the vibe twists off for easy battery insertion, but putting the section back on is another matter entirely. I had quite a terrible problem getting the bottom to stick back on without popping right back off. While this was annoying, eventually I did manage to shove the thing back together and it worked fine.


This vibe doesn't compare with my undying devotion to my Orchid G, but it is still a fun, discrete toy with a strong vibration. The petite, manageable size and easy-to-disguise discretion of the vibe make it a unique purchase.

If you're interested, go to Babeland and check out the Pocket Rocket ($28) and other sweet V-day gifts.

1/27/2009

Examples of M/s and D/s Contracts

Many BDSMers in M/s (Master/slave) and D/s (Dominant/slave) relationships have contracts or rules. These can be rules the couple agrees on together or rules a Master has that he gives to potential slaves; the slave decides if she wants to be bound to this Master and these rules and makes her decision. Of course, contracts for slaves are often more stringent and strict than for submissives, who keep some control over their own lives and often choose in which areas they will submit.

Below are two examples of rules. The first, Rules for Submissives, was a list of rules created and agreed upon by a D/s couple. Both parties agree to follow these rules and change or add more as the future requires it. The second, Rules for Slaves, is a list of rules by a Master. He provides this list for potential slaves, and, if they agree to them, they are accepted into his servitude and protection. Please note that in the M/s version of rules, the slave's name and use of "i" are always lowercase. This is a common method used in some M/s and D/s relationships to mirror the submission of the sub or slave.
Rules for Submissives (D/s relationship)

1. Wait for Master to open all doors and car doors (getting out and getting in). Exceptions are okay with sets of two doors when there are people behind me waiting; I can open the door for them or step aside and wait.

2. Don't walk ahead of him in public (outside), walk beside him or slightly behind if necessary.
Inside buildings, I go first and he will put his hand on the small of my back to guide me.

3. At restaurants, Master will order for both of us. *exceptions: when my family is around.

4. The sub is not permitted to be alone at home with non-related males. In public, she has to check in with Master every hour, with phone contact before and after. Master has final say in which people she can spend time with. She can ask Master's permission for exceptions in specific cases. This rule applies to Master as well.

5. In public, the word "Now" signifies Master wants to begin a scene. In this case, the sub must obey and begin scene. Once every 6 months, she may opt not to participate in a public scene; she will indicate this by saying, "Veto." Master will accept this without punishment or anger.

6. When guests are over and a scene is ongoing, if Master asks her to serve the guests (barring sexual acts), the sub must obey within 3 seconds.

7. Every other day, the sub must journal her feelings, thoughts, fantasies, and concerns on her private blog for Master; he will not judge or punish her for her blogs. Every week, the sub must upload a poem, erotica, or porn photo/video she has made for Master.

8. Say please and thank you during punishments, for commands, and requests.

9. Safe words can be used by either party. For the sub, "I can't" is to be used literally; all other declinations will be ignored. It is Master's responsibility to check in periodically with the sub and ask her if she is all right or to rate her pain level on 1-10.

10. Master and the sub will both participate in aftercare every time. Master will attend to the sub's needs by any means necessary or available (blankets, treats, water, etc.).

11. The sub must ask permission to move, change positions, leave, or use the restroom.

12. When Master makes a request, the sub must obey promptly (within 3 seconds) or she will be punished.

13. No whining or sulking. The sub gets one warning per session and three seconds to fix it. These are punishable offenses.

14. The sub must ask permission before touching Master with her hands or mouth. She must say thank you after permission has been granted and before touching Master.

15. The sub can speak at any time, but she may be punished for what she says.

16. The sub may address Master, but she must keep her eyes lowered submissively.

17. To receive instructions or lectures, the sub will kneel on the floor with her ankles crossed, hands folded on her lap, and head lowered, without figeting; she will not move until Master commands her to get up.

18. Punishments will be administered immediately (within 60 seconds) at home, and immediately after returning home when in public.

19. When punishment is necessary, Master will devise a punishment. If the sub believes a punishment is too much, she has the right to request 2 choices and she may choose the one she prefers.

Rules for Slaves (M/s relationship)

1) i submit to the will of my Master and i’m bound to Him. i accept His authority over me for my purpose is to serve, obey and please my Master. i will be managed, disciplined and controlled in a manner beneficial to my training and long-term service and inclusion in his household as a slave.

2) i accept that part of training is the actual physical control of my behavior. i will have no privacy from my Master.

3) Communication with my Master is one of the most important aspects of my development as a slave. a) i am responsible for answering each and every e-mail sent to me by my Master and when not in His presence, i will send Him at least one e-mail or contact Him each and every day. b) i must be both specific and explicit in my speech. i will give complete and accurate answers to each and every question that my Master asks of me. i am allowed no secrets from my Master. i will work hard to welcome this openness of body, mind and soul.

4) To receive pleasure i must earn it. i must always give thanks to my Master for all i am given immediately after receiving it, for such things are gifts or privileges granted to me by Him. This also includes any punishment and discipline that i may receive so that I may grow in bondage and serve him better.5) i will not hesitate in my obedience to my Master and will respond quickly to all orders given.

6) I willingly discuss any issues I have with my Master that limits by trust. my goal is to trust my Master and know His concern for my total safety that includes my emotional, psychological, social, sexual, and physical health.

7) i will work hard to give my Master control and turn my will over to Him. i know this is my duty as His slave and i desire to serve and please Him by doing so.


8) i am always in submission to my Master whether He is present or not, ready to please Him at any time, in any place, under any circumstances, regardless of who may be present. His pleasure is more important than my discomfort.

9) When i am not in the presence of my Master and i have choices to make - i will perform them to the best of my abilities and within the boundaries and guidance He has established for me. If someone speaks ill of my Master, i will defend Him and report this to my Master immediately.

10) The opportunity to please my Master is very important to me. i will seek out opportunities to do so. my greatest felt satisfaction is realized when i know i have pleased my Master. There can be no greater pain or suffering i can feel than when my Master is not pleased with me. i will accept the guidance i will need to be put back on track so that i will be forgiven and once again be pleasing to Him.


11) i will learn all the positions my Master wants to teach me to the best of my abilities and when display myself to him using them . i know that by using the slave positions i am enabling by Master to better manage and use his slave.

12) my entire sexual being now belongs to my Master. my Master is in complete charge of my sexual desires and i wish that He mold them in a way that is most pleasing to Him. i am a sexual and sensual being and my entire body is to be available for my Master’s use at all times. It is my Master’s choice as to how my sexual being will be used to please him.
a) i must never reach orgasm without explicit permission from my Master. My failure to receive permission before cumming will cause me to endure the punishment Master will put upon me. Such pleasure must be seen as a privilege so that i do not take advantage of it.

b) i will never touch my breasts, nipples, pussy or clit with my hands or sex toys in any manner where i could experience sexual or sensual pleasure without permission from my Master. i fully acknowledge that i no longer have ownership of my sexual being.

13) The safeword given to me by my Master can be spoken at any time - even When i have been told to be silent. If i am not able to verbalize it – i trust my Master will show me how i can express it. Safewords are for my protection as well as His.

14) i shall never think of myself as a weak person for it takes a strong female to commit to the drive inside me, to serve, to obey and to please a Master.

15) i know that other than any hard limits and safeword that he grants this slave, i can make no demands or place limits on my Master's authority. i can give Him no orders. i don’t control his time or who he chooses to give his attention too. i know that attempts, by me, to limit His power, control or status as a Master would lead to me being punished.

16) my health is important to my Master. i will eat properly. i want to be healthy and of sound mind and body, free as possible of any personal limitations, when pleasing my Master. i can not refuse my Master's decision that i seek medical attention, if so ordered. If placed on a diet by my Master, i will obey His decisions as to my method of weight loss and make routine reports to Him as to my progress. After losing the weight my Master requires, i will maintain the weight that pleases Him.
17) i will not date others or form a relationship with others without permission from my Master. i will not communicate with other Masters without my Master's permission. This includes in person, telephone, instant messaging or e-mail. i will report all contact directly and quickly to my Master. My Master makes the decision as to what types of contact i am allowed to have with other Masters. My Master can deny, grant or terminate any communication i have with others when he wishes.
18) Punishment Rules: i know my Master has the right to discipline or punish me any time He wishes for any violation. i will submit to any discipline or punishment my Master sees fit. i know that i will be punished or disciplined for violations of the rule, both written and oral, in order to correct my behavior and to insure He find me pleasing. The punishment will fit the violation that i have committed. my Master shall determine how and when and where i am to receive this punishment.i have the right to plead for a lesser punishment, but my Master is under no obligation to grant a reduced punishment.

19) i worship my Master. i worship my Master's whip, respect my Master's right to use it for His pleasure and my punishment.

20) my mouth is for my Masters pleasure. i will learn that:
a) my mouth will be used as my Master wishes for His pleasure. b) i will work hard to provide complete pleasure with my mouth. When my Masters dick is put into my mouth and i am directed to suck it - i will do so as long as i am required to do so. When told to, my hands shall be placed on the tops of my thighs, behind my neck or held at the base of my back so that during the sucking i can use my whole body to display my hunger to my Master. i will not restrict my Master's view of me. c) i worship my Master's dick, its head and its shaft, especially when it is hard or when i am given the opportunity to make it hard for Him d) my Master's cum must never go to waste - i will swallow His cum as it is a gift an honor to receive it.

21) i must always wear revealing and sexy clothing of good taste around my Master unless given permission to do otherwise. The clothing i wear will allow easy access to my pussy, ass and breasts. my basic attire in the presence of my Master shall always include a collar given to me by my Master. i must never be concerned when i feel too much of my flesh is showing, however i can ask my Master for permission as to how to handle my discomfort. In public, i am to wear a dress or skirt without panties around my Master. i must remove all of my clothing in the way i have been taught when my Master commands of me to do so.

22) i must sleep in the nude and wear the collar provided by my Master.

1/26/2009

Chastity Belts + Lock = Evil Fun!



Chastity belts--available online and in kink/bondage stores--are just another way evil Doms can have kinky fun with their hapless subs! Chastity belts (built on the old-fashioned idea of chastity but made with newer and better technology!) come anywhere from $19-350, are available for both men and women, can be locked or not, and can be used for control play for one short scene or for months at a time.

Intrigued? Read on.

If you want to play with chastity, there are some benefits. The first and main one is control. This is just another way for the Dom to control the sub--sort of like bondage for the genitals! Teasing and torturing goes that much farther when the sub can't reach his or her genitals! Chastity is also a great idea for long-distance relationships or even when one of you is away for the weekend; this way you KNOW he isn't playing with himself when you're not around! You and only you have control over when and how your sub receives sexual pleasure.

Have a new chastity belt but not sure how to incorporate it into your play? Here is a new Scene Idea to tickle your fancy:

Lock your sub up in a chastity belt with a key. Keep the key in a safe, locked in your car, or somewhere else locked with a key. Set a certain amount of time, like a month (more or less, if you like) that your sub must wear the chastity belt. Every month, play this devious little game with your sub (we'll pretend he's male, but of course this will work with either sex!):

Lock him in his chastity cage and tell him he can try once for his freedom every month (or whatever). Be sure to tease him lots in between so his sexual arousal is high! When the time has come for him to try his monthly bid at genital freedom, give him this task to complete:
  • Handcuff his ankles together. Handcuff his wrists and lock them to his collar. This way, he can only crawl on his elbows and knees.
  • Tell him where you have hidden three keys: the first for his ankle cuffs, the second for his wrists, and the third to the safe or wherever you've locked the key to his chastity cage.
  • Freeze the keys in a block of ice or other liquid.
  • Set the three keys in a place where he will have to strain to get them, but it's possible. For example, put the first one in a doggie dish on the main floor. Put the second one up or down stairs (so he has to get his ankle cuffs removed before he can get there).
  • Set a timer and tell him to go. Watch him scramble to get the keys and unmelt them in time!
  • If he gets all three keys before the timer goes off, he has won and can use the final key to unlock his chastity cage. If he does not, he can try again next month.

Helpful tips:

  • if you have a safe with a locked timer, that's even better. Set the safe to lock in 6 minutes and let him scramble to get there before the safe locks itself.
  • freeze the key into something other than water: you can make frozen ice from soda, Koolaid, fruit juices, or even cum.
  • for a fun twist, don't freeze the keys in anything, but don't tell him where you've hidden them. Enjoy watching him crawl frantically around the house.
  • Hold the last key yourself, and rather than having it frozen so he has to melt it, make the last "task" that he must bring you to orgasm before he receives the key. Adjust the timer accordingly so he has a sporting chance.
  • Be fair with the amount of time you give him and how possible it is to find and unmelt the keys: it should be difficult, but not impossible, for him to succeed.
  • for long-term forced chastity, be sure to get a chastity cage that allows for good hygiene and easy washing through the cage.