To Safeword or Not To Safeword?

In the BDSM lifestyle, most beginner-level how-tos tell you that you should always play with a safeword. This is for everyone's safety (yes, I've heard stories of tops safewording out of scenes, too!) to make sure that no one gets injured or too freaked out or have lasting psychological harm done to them. It's a way of saying, "Okay, this is too much, and I need to stop."

But once you get more into the BDSM lifestyle, you discover there are several Doms and subs who do not use safewords. Ever. Subs and slaves claim they trust their Master with their lives and would never want to usurp his (or her) authority that way. Doms and Masters say they can't really be 100% in control if the sub can stop them with just one word. I don't know who first said it or started it, but floating around the internet is this saying to support these people's choices:

A sub with a safeword is just a Domme on her knees.

Catchy, no?

For these people, that works. If you know someone well enough and trust them enough, maybe the no-safeword type of relationship works for you.

But for my Dom and me, we never play without a safeword. I was emotionally and physically abused by my mother when I was younger until I went to college. She's a wonderful woman, but she has some mental instabilities and she went through a rough time in her life where she tried to take her children and family down with her. She's sorry now, and I forgive her, but it still screw with my head and dictates how I relate (often dysfunctionally) in my relationship with my husband. (Sex=bad, love=control, emotional abuse=I feel loved, that kind of crazy crap.)

So we always, always play with safewords. I can't safeword out of punishments, or I'd never get punished and my Dom would have no real authority. But punishments, like the occasional spanking, are not intended to be emotionally or physically traumatizing, so I've never really needed to safeword out of them. However, some of our scenes can get crazy. Sometimes my Dom loses his temper (or, more likely, he loses control and I feel like he's lost his temper) or he starts slapping me too hard and I lose it. I start sobbing uncontrollably because slapping was what my mother did when she was mad beyond belief and screaming at me. Slapping, to me, represents a lack of control over my body. It makes me feel helpless and powerless, not in a sexy way, but in a terrifying way. It makes me think the person doing it hates me and is furious with me. In no way is it a good, sexy, or cleansing feeling.

So we always play with safewords. And sometimes, my Dom will even push me. It's a strange fact that often the children of abusive parents can and will take a ridiculous amount of emotional and physical abuse without "giving in." I simply disconnect. I go into myself and let the other person rail against my body, but I won't give them the satisfaction of touching me. In these moods, I can be a bit self-destructive. I play the Ice Queen and won't make eye contact or talk. My Dom can pick me up and move me, but I stay limp and unresponsive. It's like I'm in a coma, but awake. He can slap me and I won't tell him to stop. He can squeeze my neck in an attempt to make me safeword, but I'll calmly sit there and let myself go unconscious first before I'll "give in" by safewording.

This is because in my childhood, there was no safeword. I couldn't stop the abuse or control what was happening to me. So I learned to rise above it, and defeat the abuser by simply not being present. Obviously, this is dangerous in a BDSM scene. I'm playing with my husband who loves me, not my abusive mother. I'm playing with someone who never wants to harm me or frighten me past the point that I like it. Yet sometimes I turn into a machine and treat him like the enemy.

So he is practicing with me to get me to safeword. Sometimes he pushes me, just to get me in the habit of "giving in" and using my safeword. Sometimes he wants to make sure I'm not too into subspace or "abused sub" mentality to talk, which actually happens from time to time. If I can't talk, I can't safeword, and I'm no longer capable of telling him if I'm safe. Then he stops play until we can resume safely. Once, he even tried to force me into doing something I'd already told him was a "hard limit" (that means NO!). I stalled and squirmed but finally safeworded. Immediately he hugged me and murmured, "Good job, little girl. I'd have been PISSED if you had let me do that."

So whatever you read on the net, it doesn't make you a worse sub or a less domly Dom if you play with safewords. It means you respect your partner and you understand that the Unknown can factor into your scenes and sometimes you'll need to slow down or stop. Especially if one of you suffered abuse or trauma as a child or adult, I'd recommend always playing with a safeword. It's there to keep you safe.

Religion Discussions on FetLife

On FetLife, there are many groups geared toward Christians and BDSM. I'm a member of some, including general Christian ones and specific Catholic ones. I enjoy talking to other Christians who are also interested in kink, but I am always sort of shocked and saddened by how many Christians are actually... well, not followers of Christ.

I don't for a minute think I'm capable of judging what makes another person Christian or not. When it all comes down to it, only God can know our hearts and souls. He will judge each person and His judgment will be completely just.

Still, Jesus was very, very clear that He is the only way to God. I don't think Jesus said this because He was intolerant, or egotistical, or that He meant He's the only way to God for Christians, but for Muslims and Hindus and Jews and agnostics there's another way and that's okay. No, the man said He was the only way. When God Himself takes the trouble to come down to earth and tell us who He is and what the way to Him is, I'm inclined to believe Him. Maybe it's not P.C. or fuzzy, feel-good religion with an emphasis on "all religions lead to God," but I believe it's the truth.

Allow me to share with you an exchange of messages on this topic. The FetLife member in question is the leader of a Catholic + BDSM group. I admire him for his tolerance of others' views in his group (even mine) and for his respect of other religions. Still, I can't agree with his views on God. Here is our discussion:


Is Jesus the only way to God?

Him:
NO....

The way to God is to seek God. Jesus is one of our earthly guides to God.

Go to YouTube, type in Islamic Call to Prayer...Listen to a few of them....

You may understand that Islam is also the way to God.

Me:
I do understand that many religions are attempting to search for God and of course have some valid ways of reaching Him.

However, when God comes down to earth and clearly says, "I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life; no one comes to the Father except through Me," I'm inclined to believe Him. He wouldn't have gone to all that trouble of coming to earth, suffering, dying, and rising (quite a drastic measure!) if it weren't completely necessary and the ONLY way to God. Otherwise Jesus' sacrifice wouldn't have been necessary, if there are other ways to God, all equally valid.

Isn't it possible to respect those religions, enjoy their sacred texts and music, but still know that there is only ONE way to God, the mediator Jesus Christ?


Him:
Um, no offense...but God comes down to earth? And you believe that? The early Christians did NOT think Jesus was God and yet they still followed him...

Early Christian views tended to see Jesus as a unique agent of God.

Most Christians identified Jesus as divine from a very early period, although holding a variety of competing views as to what exactly this implied.

(Early Christians) Adoptionists, such as the Ebionites, considered Jesus as at first an ordinary man, born to Joseph and Mary, who later became the Son of God at his baptism, his transfiguration, or his resurrection.

But it was not until some 300 years after Jesus died that the Council of Nicaea in 325 he was identified as God in the fullest sense, literally 'of the same substance, essence or being', hence in the further wording of the Creed.

Let's not forget that the Catholic church is a great propaganda agent for telling Christians what to believe...

You said, "Isn't it possible to respect those religions, enjoy their sacred texts and music, but still know that there is only ONE way to God, the mediator Jesus Christ?" NO.

I gave you my opinion. My opinion may or may not be correct. I believe it is correct.

The Irish playwright George Bernard Shaw once said, "There is only one religion,though there are a hundred versions of it."

Is it possible that Buddhism,Christianity, Hinduism, Islam, Judaism, etc. represent differing, yet valid, paths to the same destination?

First, it is intolerant and ethnocentric to assert that one religion is the true religion and others, which disagree, are false. This type of intolerance, it is pointed out, has caused much bloodshed.

Second, the contrasting claims of different religions do not prove that one religion is true and others are false. Instead it suggests that no religion possesses the entire truth, but only bits and pieces of it.

Finally, all religions share a common ethical core. Some formulation of the Golden Rule, for example, is found in Judaism, Hinduism, Jainism, Christianity, Taoism, Islam, and Buddhism. In addition, each of these traditions produces a similar ethical/moral transformation in the lives of its followers.

Moreover, it would be difficult to prove that one religious tradition is more effective than others in transforming the lives of its followers.

Me:
It may be intolerant, but I'm not intolerant from some selfish need to be right, or because I want to "win" a theological argument. I believe that because I honestly want everyone to come to faith in Jesus and have eternal life. It has nothing to do with me.

Also, I don't consider myself intolerant. I have a minor in religion, love to travel to countries with Muslim majorities, and happily attend other churches, denominations, and religions. I like to learn about them. I recently went to the Open House at a mosque here. "Intolerant" to me means the people who hate other religions and are rude to their adherents. I'm tolerant... I have Muslim and atheist friends, am open to attending their services, and read other sacred texts. I believe those people should have the right to practice their own religion. To me, that's tolerant.

I do believe all religions are representing different paths to the same goal. However, I don't believe all of them achieve that goal. That's the difference.

Yes, I believe God came down to earth. Early Christians were unclear what exactly Jesus was, but soon several factions came about. Eventually, Paul and other leaders (after the times the NT was written) through the 300s started to define what and who Jesus was. Arians were a large group who thought he was divine, but not God; others thought he was divine AND God. Utimately, I trust God let the religion who was "right" win out. I trust He can use politics and writings and even opposing factions to point us to the Truth, even if He doesn't do it immediately. And many other religions have incarnations of gods coming to earth, so it's not a new idea.

I'm making NO claims whatsoever that one religion is more effective in transforming lives. If you are looking at religion as a way to "transform lives" or be a better person, I agree with you that any religion could be equally valid and it's a matter of personal preference. However, I don't think religion is a way to transform lives, but a way to worship God and come to know the path to eternal life. There are many ways to transform lives and change people, but only one path to God---Jesus. The other paths head toward God, and attempt to reach it, but God Himself said that only through Jesus can we find eternal life. I'm inclined to believe Him.

Maybe George Bernard Shaw did say that. But Jesus Himself said that He was the only way to God.

I don't consider Jesus intolerant. In fact, He's my example of the most loving, forgiving, tolerant man alive. But He did say He was the only way to God. He didn't punish those who didn't follow Him; He just stated the truth. I try to follow that. I don't discriminate or hound other religions. But I care about them enough that I want them to know that, while talk of "everyone is right" and "all religions are valid" may be popular and P.C., it's not the truth. The God of the Hebrews was not P.C. Jesus was not P.C. They both make the claim that there is only ONE God, and this is how He wants to be worshipped, this is who He is, and these are His commands. I'm simply inclined to believe Him over myself or other humans. Who are we mortals to tell God what we think or want Him to be? He told us, and that is that. (For me.)

I'm sorry you don't agree with me. I do understand your point and actually used to believe it, until I read the Bible and had to admit I was wrong and God was right. It was hard for me to swallow my pride, I'll admit. Sometimes it's still hard.

I'd rather be a loving, tolerant, yet steadfast Christian who is right with Christ, than a P.C., "all roads lead to God" feel-good religion that isn't true and ends up leading myself and others to hell. And if I follow myself or other human leaders, instead of the God of the Bible, I'm afraid that's what I'll do.

So yes, I strongly believe we should respect and tolerate all religions. I believe they all have value and they all have bits of truth. But I believe only one Man, who was also God, is the way to heaven.

The Story of My Domination.... At Last

Yesterday, after writing my exhausting blog on BDSM Identity Crisis, I spent the rest of my day in a funk. I was sad, blue, and gloomy. My husband would never Dom me consistently and I would never be fulfilled. Ba Humbug and the like.

He got home and read the blog. We had dinner (he did BBQ chicken, corn, and potatoes, yum!) and talked about our days. He read the blog again while I read my book. I didn't want him to be mad about what I'd written. I told him writing is just a way for me to express things that I couldn't express otherwise.

Well, a little later, something changed. He turned to me and said, "This is what we're going to do." His voice had changed. It was stronger. He sounded firm and .... bossy.

Something in me, that feminine part of me that yearns to be dominated, was struck. Immediately, defense mechanisms flew into place. I was not going to be hoodwinked into temporary, pretend Dominance again! I want it too much and it hurts too much to lose it. Illogically, I fought hard against the very thing I said I wanted.

I went straight into "child mode." I wouldn't look at him. He took my chin in his hand and refused to keep speaking until I made eye contact. "Look at me," he said, his voice deep and commanding. I whined, whimpered, and tried (childishly) to bury my head into my shoulder. "Look at me," he kept repeating. Finally, I did.

"This is what we're going to do," he said confidently. "You're going to change clothes, do your hair, and we're going to go shopping. You have 15 minutes."

Well, I love shopping. But every part of me was fighting tooth and nail to not be dominated. I stayed in childlike mode. "No!" I whined (I'm surprised I didn't stamp my foot.) "I don't want to go shopping! I can't get ready in 15 minutes! I'm too tired! It's not enough time! You can't boss me around! You didn't even ask me what I wanted to do!"

Luckily, he rose to my unspoken challenge. He confidently told me, "Now you have 14 minutes. You're wasting time."

I kept whining, throwing every reason possible at him. He ignored them all and kept counting down the time. "You have 12 minutes left," he said calmly.

Huffing, I flounced to the bathroom and got ready, still pouting and whining under my breath. In my mind, I decided I would get ready too slowly and be a minute or two late. He would never notice, not punish me, and I would win. Inside, I was excited and happy he was doing this. But I wasn't through testing him yet. (I guess I was in a really bratty mood!)

We got ready and I did my hair and makeup. As I did, I started feeling better already. No wonder I'd been so mopey, sitting around the house in my PJs with no hair and makeup done. I turned before my eyes into an attractive young woman, someone my husband could be proud to take out. I childishly wanted him to be happy with me, to think I was pretty. Still, on the outside I pouted. "What are you going to do to me if I'm not ready?" I challenged.

"For every minute you're late, I'm giving you 10 spanks," he replied calmly. I thought about that for a minute. I wanted to push him more and test him, but he was being strangely confident. I was afraid he would actually do it, and I don't like being spanked. I decided I could let him win this one.

Ten minutes later, I was ready and in the car. I was dressed and looking the way he wanted me to. I was excited I was getting dominated, but my face still wore a pout and I was still tes0ting my limits. Would this new domination last? Or would I be able to push past him and "win"? Much as I wanted him to win, I didn't want it to be an easy fight. Like a true brat, I wanted to test his resolve. Would he insist on getting his way no matter what? I got poutier and poutier thinking about it, but I loved it. The relaxation of being told what to do... not having to make decisions... of knowing you're pleasing because you're wearing exactly what he told you to and doing exactly what he wants. Ahhhh happiness.

He put me in the car with the air running and walked to his car. He returned with one of my favorite headbands, a black sparkly thing with a huge crystal flower on it. "This was in my car, and I want you to wear it today," he told me, still sounding firm and calm and terribly sexy. I decided (sigh) to test this one, too.

"Whyyyy??" I whined, my lower lip actually sticking out.

"Because it will look pretty, and I want you to wear it," he said. Yum. I was getting everything I wanted. My clit gets tight remembering his confidence now, a day later. But was it real? Or some facade for my benefit after the blog? I pushed more to find out.

"You can't make me," I whined petulantly, sounding for all the world like a spoiled little girl and not like the educated, professional woman I am. "What will you do if I don't?"

In a voice firm as the earth, he said decisively, "If it's not on by the convenience store, I'm turning this car around and giving you 25 hard spanks." Part of me wasn't sure he meant it, but part of me was afraid he was. He seemed so... sure. I'm not used to such decision from him, but today he had it. Even on small things, like my clothes and what headband to wear, he had orders and he was going to get them carried out. If he had shown weakness, or not threatened to punish me, I would have pushed more. As it was, I whined and pushed the thing on my head. I was torn between a feeling of "unfair!" and "Oh yessss finally." I loved it but I hated it. He turned, saw the headband perched atop my hair, and laughed maniacally. He had won, and we both knew it.

He let me pick where we went shopping, and he held my hand. Instead of taking it like he normally does in public, like a vanilla husband, he took it possessively, like he owned me and was parading me around for his pleasure. I shivered inside with happiness. It is often a problem in our BDSM relationship, that I want to be bossed around on all the small, tiny things that happen all day, whereas he only wants to enforce the big things. To me, having my choice taken away on all the millions of small things a day is a heavenly release. I have an anxiety disorder in the worst way, and even small decisions like what to do, what to wear, how to wear my hair, and how to serve him a beer worry me. When he commands me a certain way to do it, and punishes me when I don't obey completely, that takes so much worry and anxiety out of my life. I can melt into his strength and have those decisions taken care of for me. It's like a guarantee that I'll be pleasing, since I'm doing exactly what he says. What a relief!

We went shopping, and he didn't do anything terribly bossy. He let me pick the stores and what clothes to wear, but he also was involved and picked out a few pieces he wanted me to try on as well. He carried my bags and paid for my purchases. I thanked him. When I was tired, he led me back to the car, opened all my doors, and started the engine. We drove around forever, trying to find a tropical snow stand. We finally found one. I let him order for me (Tiger's Blood, medium) and pay for us both. I love when he orders for me at restaurants and stores. It makes it clear to everyone that he is in charge, and it takes so much anxiety off my shoulders when I don't have to deal with strangers. It was a beautiful summer night, and I was happy.

I started getting a bit cocky, since he hadn't done anything overtly "dominating" for a few hours. I thought perhaps he'd slipped back into regular vanilla space for us. I got mouthy and hit him. Immediately, he grabbed my hand and pushed hard into the pressure point where my sunburn is. None of the families around us had a clue what just happened, but I was adequately punished. I smacked him again, and he did it again. Still trying to "win," I smacked him and then quickly hid my hand. I thought he would give up eventually and stop trying to punish me if I could wear him out.

He didn't.

Finally I had to give in. I sulked a while, and my hand hurt, but I loved it. I felt so controlled and loved. He hadn't let me get away with anything, even when it was difficult and more work for him. I felt boundaries closing in on me and relaxed. We enjoyed our Tropical Snows and the beautiful weather. We drove home and finished them on the front porch, then went inside.

We read a bit of an article I like that describes the 5 levels of subspace. We talked about me in subspace... first I get defiant, then whiny, then obedient. Once I hit the dreamy, obedient stage, he knows I'm in subspace. I hadn't been there in so long, maybe a year, and I missed it! It is so relaxing and wonderful. I told him I felt he never let me stay there long enough before bringing me out. In that mindset, I feel so needy and clingy it is ridiculous. He is my world and what he thinks is all I care about. I am deadened to pain and feel completely relaxed, almost disengaged from my body. I want to please him. I am nothing but relaxation and horniness and submission. He said that he's noticed when I get there, I don't speak, and can only handle yes or no questions. I guess that is true, because I just get so dreamy.

There is a spot on my neck that makes me relax and slip into subspace. Having it bitten or sucked makes me limp, like those tigers you see on the nature channel who bite the back of the female tiger's neck to keep her submissive while he takes her. He bit me there, again and again. I moaned and I lay there. I started to worry I would get annoying or too heavy, laying there with all my weight in his arms, head hanging off to the side.

He picked me up and pushed me against the wall. He kept biting me, and I was afraid to let go and slide to the floor. I didn't want to annoy him, so I tried to keep enough presence of mind to stand up straight. He bit me, kissed me, and savagely pushed me against the wall. I moaned and moaned. He pushed his knee up into my groin and I felt myself get wet all over my panties and pants. I longed for him to dry hump me there against the wall. I wanted it so much I was whimpering, but I didn't have the words to tell him what I wanted.

The rest of it is a bit of a hazy blur for me. We went into the bedroom, where I slipped out of my clothes and lay there, expectant, feeling the cold sheets bite sharply into my skin. He joined me and bit me some more. My neck started to get tender and it started to hurt in a bad way, jolting me out of subspace instead of sending me further in. He stopped and started touching my body. He rolled me over and fingered me from behind, with me laying flat on my stomach. Ohhhhh. He touched a spot deep within me, it was so wonderful it was almost too much, and I thought I would die if he kept doing it. Which he did. I spasmed around his fingers, and he kept pushing into me. I was his. Oh, I was his.

We finished off with the vibrator, which was good but not as wonderful as his fingers inside me, stroking me into oblivion. Nothing beats the emotional pull of skin-on-skin contact. I lay there, trembling, and he held me for a while before commanding me to give him a hand job. I did, even with my sunburned hand, because I was so hazy and deep that the whole thing seemed a blur. It seemed to take him forever, but finally he came, and we washed up and headed to bed. I was worried for a bit that he was bored with my orgasm and that's why he wanted one, but he told me it wasn't because he wanted one, but because he wanted to see me give him one. That made me feel even more controlled and dominated, and I drifted to a happy sleep, where I had dreams that we were having sex and I was grinding on his cock, always wanting more.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I'd like to order more of that, every day, all the time. Domination = happy sub. Thank you.

BDSM Checklists

For those new to the world of BDSM, or even those (like me) who are not new, but have never done a checklist, I am proud to show you the BDSM Checklist!

These are extensive, often quite long lists of potential BDSM activities. They are often used for Doms and subs who are going to play for the first time, as it's an easy way to figure out what each one likes, doesn't like, and absolutely won't do (limits). You can also use them if you're getting into a new relationship, or you're in an old relationship and thinking about incorporating some BDSM into your dynamic. You can even use it if you're single, to help understand yourself, your desires, and your limits better.

These checklists are great tools. Some are online and others are hard copies meant to be printed, but they all include the same basic idea. You circle how interested you are in each activity, and also whether or not you've done it. These lists are a great way to start a conversation about kink and the what each of you wants and the role it will play in your relationship. You can use these as a conversation starter and as a way to quickly and easily identify your partner's limits and desires.

Just remember, there are two kinds of limits:

• Hard Limits: There is no way you will do these, and your partner shouldn't even ask you to. You're very clear that this is something you absolutely will not do, no matter what.
• Soft Limits: You really hate this activity, and would strongly prefer never to do it, but you might be open to it eventually with some time and work. If this is really important to your partner, you are open to considering it.

You want to be clear what are hard limits and what are soft limits. For example, for me right now, vaginal rape is a hard limit. It scares me too much and reminds me too much of past abuse in my life. This wouldn't be fun, or sexy, or even dangerous in a good way, but simply wreck who I am inside and show me my Dom could never be trusted. On the other hand, anal fingering is a soft limit for me. I hate it, and would never, ever want to do it on my own, and honestly it completely grosses me out. But if my Dom just really wants to do it, as long as he understands I hate it and would prefer not to do it, I'm willing to shut up and let him do what he wants. For me, that is the difference.

Here are some good BDSM checklists I found:

Checklist by BDSM Resource Center: fill it out online, then print or email the results

Checklist by Latches: copy and paste the chart, then print a hard copy to fill out and share

Checklist by Soul's Haven: print the chart, then fill it out by hand

BDSM Identity Crisis... my ramblings

I'm finding myself afraid of BDSM lately.

My Dom wants to play, and part of me thinks, "Yes! Finally, yay!" and most of me shrinks back and changes the subject or pretends I didn't hear or says no.

Then I wonder why I do that, since most of the time it is me who is complaining about how he never wants to dominate me and how can I feel dominated when it is only once or twice a month?I get so mad at him for not being strong and dominating most of the time. To me, being "a Dom" for one or two evenings a month is not being a Dom at all, it is playing. And there is nothing wrong with playing! There are lots of people who don't do BDSM 24/7, but just dabble in it in the bedroom or sometimes, when it is convenient or fun. We definitely fall into that category. But to me, it doesn't feel real. It feels like playing. "Okay, you pretend to be submissive to me and I'll pretend to be strong enough to dominate you. Go!" And then at the end of the scene, we end up right back to where we were before: a strong, independent woman and a complacent, pleasing man.

There's nothing wrong with playing. But I want more! I hate feeling like our BDSM dynamic is just a pretend game we both play. I can't get into it like it's real. I pretend, and for a moment I believe, but then later I am sad again. Nearly every time I get tired or high, I feel an overwhelming need to be dominated in MOST of my life, and I resent him for only doing it every once it a while. Yet I don't want him to be a commandeering asshole. I want him to lead through quiet, unshakable strength. I want more!

Yet sometimes I don't want more. When we tried rules and structure (completely my idea), I freaked out and bailed. When we tried CDD, I was so turned on by the idea of it---a strong man leading me, protecting me, guiding me, having power over me? Hot! I wanted it. I yearned for it. But when we tried it, reality sat in and I bailed. I called it off. I was too scared. I feared he'd just disappoint me and go back to being his normal not-dominating self. This is my issue, but it scared me.

Also, he seems to think that for us to have a fulltime D/s dynamic, I need to be more submissive. On the other hand, I think he needs to be more dominant. I don't want to bow down and pretend to be weak so he can rule me. I want him to swell with power and confidence so even my strongest is not as strong as him. I don't want to dampen my power and strength, pretend to be weak and submissive, and lessen myself so I'm under him. I want to be as strong and powerful as I can be, and know that he is man enough to top even that. I want him to rise to the occasion, not me shrink to it. I want to give a man my best, my all, my everything, and have it welcomed by him and yet still undeniably beaten by him. I don't want to submit, I want him to dominate.

Sometimes I think that I am not a sub. I think he wants a sub. Someone who doesn't expect him to be Great and Powerful and Awe-Inspiring, but who sees him and thinks he is that way already, without trying to be more than he is. And that is what I want. I want More Than He Is.

Doule (a Christian kinkster on Fetlife) had a very good post, a long time ago, about how labels help us identify people we have something in common with. Sharing a label doesn't mean you will have something in common, but it means you might. There is the potential for dialogue there. Maybe you talk and find out you don't have much in common, but if you identify as "sub" and so do I, we already know we are not "slaves," not "puppies," not "Mistresses," and not "vanilla." It gives us something to explore together and assume we might have something in common. Labels are good for that very reason.... they help us define, categorize, and seek similarities.

On the other hand, labels can be very confusing. Am I a "sub"? What does that mean? Labels can lead to steroetypes and confusing identities. My idea of sub is not necessarily your idea of a sub. That is why BDSM is, and should be, so focused on communication.

Am I a sub? Maybe not. Sometimes my Dom tells me, sounding resentful and petulant, that I'm not a sub. He uses that favorite catchphrase of Doms, "You're topping from the bottom." This makes me feel resentful toward him. When he says that, I feel like he's trying to blame me for something that I feel is his fault. He thinks I should be more submissive, and I think he should just be more dominating. I'd rather expect more out of him than expect less out of me. How could you be happy in a life where one of you was constantly asked to be less than your full potential? I know he loves me and doesn't see it that way, but I do.

So then I look at labels. Maybe I'm not a sub, because I'm not naturally submissive. I'm not a slave, because I don't identify as owned (sometimes I want to, but I've never met anyone I thought could dominate me 24/7 so I felt owned). I'm not a sex slave or service-minded submissive. Maybe I'm a bottom. But no, I don't really enjoy physical pain or spanking. I only like spanking or being beaten because it means I have fought and I am beaten. I don't enjoy the pain, but I like being dominated. I enjoy being tied up, gagged, and my hair pulled for the same reason. Sometimes I love to be called bad names and slapped, and other times (like last night) it just hurts my feelings. I like to be challenged, to have a male opponent worthy of my fight, who welcomes all I have to give and laughs and defeats me utterly anyway. Does that make me, as Jake'sKajira (another FetLife friend) once wrote a blog about, long for a predator/prey dynamic? Or as some Christian websites discuss, do I want a relationship like in Christian Domestic Discipline? I'm not sure. I don't want to kneel at his feet and serve him, but I'd be willing to do it if he could defeat me utterly. I'm not a submissive, but I want to be dominated. I like to be used, but I hate being used. I long to be defeated, but I hate to lose. It's complicated, right? I know.

What is the label for someone who does not want to submit, does not want to be owned, does not want to serve, but longs to be dominated?

I love languages, and I love labels. So of course I went to the wonderful Word Reference to try and find a way to define myself, to find out what puzzle piece I am so I know where I fit into the overall puzzle. It says To dominate: tower above, to master, to overcome. To rule, to hold sway, to prevail, to stand out. Yes! I don't always want it, but I often long for it. I want stars in my eyes as I look up at a man who has completely dominated and humbled the best I have to offer. Who sees me for the strong woman I am and cherishes that quality, but who has vanquished me completely anyway.

Word Reference can maybe help me find a label for myself. Not that I need one, but I'd feel better. I'd have a word for my identity, not a badly articulated three-page blog. In English, being "the dominated" or "one who is overcome" does not make sense. But in Spanish or French, two languages near and dear to my heart, I could be la dominada or la dominée. Maybe in English I could be "prey" or "Domme who is dominated," who knows? I don't identify as a Domme, but I am completely unwilling to make myself weaker so my husband can be a "Dom." I want the best of my strength against the best of his, and I want him to win.

I've told him that, and he asked me, "What if you are stronger than me?" I worry about the same thing. It means I will never be fulfilled and never have exactly what I want. I'm not even sure what I want, other than some vague idea of BDSM dynamics that come close, but I've never seen it exactly.

What if I am stronger than he is? That's scary for both of us. It means all we can ever do is play-act at BDSM. A few times a month, he'll pretend to be stronger than me and I'll pretend that's enough for me. I hate to live part of my life as a lie. He says that when he does try to Dom me, I complain about how he's doing it. It's true I have a longing and I'm not sure how to articulate it, except to tell him when he's NOT meeting what I want. But I'm not sure how to get what I want. And I'm not sure if it's what he wants. He's clear that me having another Dom is not an option, so it's this or nothing.

Do I pretend to be something I'm not (a submissive)? Or do I keep complaining until I get what I want (topping from the bottom)? Does the perfect BDSM relationship even exist?

Somehow, I need more.