Post-Christmas Post (heh heh)

Ok, so my title was an unintentional play on words. I love those.

As I'm enjoying my time off for work, reading my Blog List since who-knows-how-long ago, I'm enjoying getting back into the lives of all my favorite writers. I feel like I've missed quite a lot in their lives, so I did some back-reading to catch up. It's nice to be back in their familiar lives via their writing.

Everyone seems to be summing up how the holidays went. Several spanked women have reported getting more spankings due to increased Christmas-time stress. It's very understandable, but that's not how our holidays went.

Like most of you out there, my holidays were stressful. Thankfully, that didn't really cause problems between my Dom and I. If anything, I'm more thankful to have him and the holidays really made me aware of how reliant on him I could become if I let myself.

Yes, the holidays are stressful for all of us for different reasons. Family, money, travel, packed schedules, etc. For me, they are stressful because my parents are divorced. Nine years later, they cannot seem to find a way to split the holidays in a way that makes both of them happy. They don't communicate with each other about who's doing what when, and then they both get mad and upset at the plans the other one has made, and then I invariably take sides and get upset and it causes fights between me and my father and sometimes my mother.

This year, I invited them both to my house to see the baby's first Christmas. Then I suggested my Dom, the baby, and I head to Mom's for lunch and Dad's for dinner. Everyone was agreeable to this plan and both seemed to think it was fair that neither should miss the baby's first Christmas morning. I thought I had avoided a big fight over Christmas plans for the first time.

I should have known better.

We have close family friends who live in another state. When my parents got divorced, these friends got caught in the middle. So we ended up having a huge fight about who could be with them when.

My mom planned to go have Christmas with them this weekend, Friday through Sunday. My dad also planned to go have Christmas with them.

A huge fight ensued, which was very upsetting for me as I felt caught in the middle.

My dad's side is this:

• he wants to do Christmas with the family friends AND my mom and her husband



• he says she needs to "get over" hating him after 9 years divorced



• he thinks it's not fair to ask him to miss Christmas dinner and presents with them



• he also thinks my mom is "dictating" everyone else's Christmas since she's the only person who does not want to be together and everyone else would be fine with it, so she should just suck it up and live with him and his girlfriend being there



• if we do Christmas celebrations with them separately, he says he will miss getting to see the baby open her presents from them and it is awkward to just have him exchange one gift with them, rather than watch 10 people all opening many gifts



• he thinks he should get to spend New Year's weekend with them since he has to travel there anyway to see his side of the family, who has their reunion that weekend



• he thinks it would be simpler for everyone and less awkward for our family friends if they don't have to "choose" which parent to celebrate with (my brother, my husband, the baby, and I are only there long enough to do one celebration, so that ends up being the "official" one)

My mom's side is this:

• she says my dad should not expect to spend Christmas celebrations together when they are divorced



• she hates him and being around him makes her miserable, anxious, and sick to her stomach. She says she can handle it on occasions (like sharing the baby's first Christmas morning) but not often



• she says his "get over it" attitude is belittling of her feelings and he treats her feelings as though they don't matter at all



• she says he sees these family friends more than she does and should be willing to let her have Christmas since he sees them several times more a year



• she says his presence there ruins her time with her friends, or if she decides to go away when we have our celebration, she has traveled 4 hours to spend a weekend with them and then gets forced to either put up with him for Christmas dinner or has to go sit by herself for an evening and miss time with them

Ideally the family friends would just decide and put an end to it, but they are all so passive. They tell my mom they agree with her, and then turn around and tell my dad they agree with him. They refuse to take a stand either way and just wait silently for my parents to both arrive there and fight it out between themselves.

This has been terrible for me. It makes me feel anxious and I've been having nightmares.

I try not to get in the middle of it and just let them handle it, but they NEVER DO. They just realized yesterday that they both plan to be there this weekend. Now they are both mad at each other and blaming the other one for not making plans and communicating with each other. Dad is mad at Mom for being selfish and wanting to exclude him, and she says he should just go visit his other family and leave her time with them uninterrupted.

I end up having to play the go-between. I end up relaying messages back and forth, not because they ask me to, but because if I don't bring it up, no one will. And it upsets me and makes me anxious to know this huge fight is coming, so I prefer to just talk to them myself and get it over with for my own sanity.

This season, I have had one big fight with my father when he told me my mom was "silly" for not wanting to share our family friends with him and she should "get over it" and not be upset. I started yelling at him that he can't belittle her feelings and that it's selfish of him to be willing to ruin her Christmas just so he can have his way and pretend everyone is happy and ignore the fact that it makes her anxious, sick to her stomach, and stay up feeling sick and anxious when she knows she has to be around him. He denies that it bothers her at all and just thinks she exaggerates so she can exclude him from our friends.

Then I had to deal with my mother when she flipped out that he was coming and started panicking and yelling about how he never cared about them before, why can't he just leave her alone to see her friends, and why did he never plan anything with her, and she only sees them 3 times a year and he goes down once every month or two so can't he just let her spend Christmas with them alone?! And then I was trying to explain where he's coming from and telling her it's not fair to expect him to not see them for Christmas and it almost started a fight between us. And then she went off crying and upset, which made me miserable and feel just sick.

I know I should let them be adults and handle this themselves, but the problem is they DON'T handle this and never have. Every year, we go through this same fight! And it puts me in the middle and I end up getting mad at one of them and it makes me feel anxious and start dreading going, so it affects me too.

I have suggested they just alternate holidays, every other year, so that way one of them misses the big Christmas celebration every year, but neither of them wants to miss it. And my dad says my mother is welcome so why can't she just get over it? And my mom says it isn't fair to make her miss Christmas with people when she planned this months ago with them.

It is very stressful for me.

Mostly, my Dom has tried to stay out of it because they are my parents. He has been very supportive of me and nice, holding me and giving me advice. The one thing I wish is that he would get involved so I don't have to fight both my parents' battles for them. I know he has opinions about this but he never tells them.

Last night we were having a discussion with my dad about this, and my Dom just sat there. It was so infuriating! I want him to be my knight in shining armor and I've told him several times that I hate it when he stands back and makes me deal with all the conflict. I understand he may feel reluctant to get into my family drama, but we are married now and it is our family. He is very very close to both my parents and they respect him and understand that he has a stake in these decisions too, and I think he has a right to voice his opinion. I wish he would because conflict with them stresses me out so much more than it does him, and one of the benefits of me giving up more control was supposed to be that he would deal more with conflict and handle our lives more, taking more responsibility for making sure that I am emotionally safe and happy.

So I asked him what he thought and he shrugged and said nothing. I wanted to throttle him!!!!

He is so strong and confident with conflict with me or work or his own friends. But with my family he just checks out and makes me deal with it myself. I want him to step in and protect me and help me deal with the problems as they come.

I know some husbands aren't close to their wives' families but we live in the same tiny town as them, see them all the time, and he calls them Mom and Dad. I think he is close enough to them that it would not be overstepping his bounds to get involved.

Every holiday season, I have to deal with my parents' inability to see eye to eye. They just want such different things and they seem to have no regard for what the other one wants. I believe they are both trying to be "fair" but Mom's idea of fair is that Dad go down another weekend, and Dad's idea of fair is that everyone celebrate together.

It is driving me crazy.

I would just not go but that is punishing me and my husband and our family friends, and we are not the ones whose problem this is.

I am just not sure what to do.

Ohhhh, the holidays.

d

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to all my readers!

I thought this photo was a beautiful depiction of the nativity.

I hope we are all grateful for the God who became Man so we could live. And to His mother, who made the sacrifice to bear him, and to His adopted father, he made the sacrifice to accept him.

This season, I hope we can avoid the stresses of travel, family, consumerism, and greed, and focus on giving, loving, and spending time with loved ones. It may be the perfect time to get right with Jesus.... since it is his birthday, after all.

Merry Christmas and a happy New Year!

Christmas Eve

Every year for Christmas Eve, my parents used to take us out to a family restaurant in the area.

It's long since closed, and I miss it, but my mom has continued the tradition of a nice family meal at an elegant restaurant.

This year, she asked if we'd like to get a sitter for the baby or take her along. I said I'd rather take her. It's her first Christmas (I've bought a ridiculous amount of cute baby dresses for the occasion; we'll have one for every party we go to!) and I want this baby I love to be part of our family tradition from the very start.

Plus, since I work, time off is so precious that I want to spend it all with her.

But as this Christmas season approaches, I'm reminded of how much our lives have changed in just one year.

A year ago, I was smoking almost every day. Now, I have a job and a child. That part of my life has forever changed, for obvious reasons.

A year ago, my brother had not moved halfway across the country. This year, my family will have our first Christmas without him.

A year ago, we lived at our crappy jobs in our beautiful home. Now, we've moved closer to my family due to my husband's job, and I'm working full-time and so is he, at two completely different jobs from what we had before.

We're in a different area, in a different home, in a completely different part of the world, much closer to my parents. This has led to a complete switch in my relationship with my parents; it's much, much better with my mother and stepfather, and actually now worse with my dad.

Our different jobs have led us to a very different schedule. We're busier and more tired. We do different work. He travels now.

But the most important difference is this.

A year ago, we were just considering having a child. We were praying about it and had decided to try for a baby on January 1st, when I would be on his work insurance. We were toying around with the idea, but still living like kids--part-time work, smoking, parties, staying up late and sleeping in.

Now, we've been through the most awesome and terrifying and trying experience a couple can go through--pregnancy and childbirth with an extra helping of new parenthood. We've learned to rely on each other and experienced ups and downs we'd never known before.

It's just amazing to me how a mere year ago this beautiful baby did not exist. She was thought of, but not seriously. And now here she is, chubby and laughing and crying with a personality of her own.

She is the most beautiful thing I know.

So much has changed in a year.

Our lives will never be the same.

Winning the Man-Hater Over

"Your mom respects me," my Dom told me a few days ago. "I can tell."

My mom, if you haven't read much of my blog, is what you would call a Strong, Independent Woman. She was more of a man than my father was when we were growing up; not only was she the nurturer and loving, emotional one, but she was the protector, the brave one, the one who would fight tooth and nail for her kids.

She is also something of a man-hater.

I don't think she means to be. But I was raised with the subtle, unspoken attitude that men are weak, men are stupid, you can't trust men to do anything, and if you want it done right, you need to rely on a woman. They need the direction of a strong woman in their life to be worth anything. Basically, men are good for cooking and cleaning and doing service around the house, but for the big things, like bills, child-rearing, getting kids fed and clothed, and protecting the family, you need to rely on a woman.

I know, it's backwards from what most people are taught.

I don't blame her for this attitude, really. My dad was sweet and helpful, but he wasn't strong or fiery. He didn't fight for their marriage; he just let it slip away slowly while he was busy watching golf on the tv. To her, he was good for doing menial chores, like cooking and dishes and laundry, but she had to be the one who stood up for her kids, planned the dates, managed the checkbooks, and made all the big decisions.

So of course she thinks most men are useless.

Therefore, she treats most men like servants. She'll boss them around ("Why don't you go help the kids with their toys? Bring me a Coke with three ice cubes, please. Did you finish cooking dinner? Good, now set the table and then you can clean the dishes") and make fun at their expense.

My Dom got tired of this. He comes from a more traditional family, where women are seen as weak and men are seen as strong.

He was not happy with my mom's attitude toward him.

He started responding with emotional jabs back when she got bossy or high-handed with him. He acted like he was the king and she was lucky to be in the room with him.

She never said anything. I was afraid she was going to start hating him.

Instead, to my amazement, the strong man-eater started seeking his approval. She would laugh at his jokes. She didn't boss him around. When she did, she added a "please." When he hugged her or laughed at her jokes, she would beam, like she'd accomplished something. She likes to joke with him over a bottle of wine.

She seems to respect him.

When we got engaged, she appalled and worried me by crying "I just didn't want you to settle!" Those words--and her seeming disapproval of my choice--haunted me.

A few days ago, I brought it up. I asked her if she thought I'd settled.

She looked surprised. "No!" she said. "I just wanted you to be sure."

Warm waves of my mother's approval washed over me. She likes him. She respects him. She doesn't think I settled.

Neither do I.

Becoming a weaker woman

"Are you making me into a weak woman?" I asked.

My Dom seemed confused. "Why would you think that?"

Why would I think that? Because now it seems like I've become used to relying on him to make every decision I don't feel like making. I can't decide between the chicken and the fish. Which one do I want, babe? I'm not sure if I'd like fries to go with that for only a dollar. Do I want fries, babe?

If I want something, I say so. And he doesn't care. But if I'm hesitating, I turn to him. Even on the smallest things.

I've noticed an alarming pattern to my answers when my parents ask me questions. "Getting a new car? I don't know if we've started looking. Ask him." Or, "Utilities high this month? I have no idea. Ask him." Or, "Are the bills paid on time? I don't know. He always takes care of that."

Last night, I noticed the pattern. I noticed this when the voice from the drive-through speakers asked me if we wanted an extra McRib for only a dollar.

McRib? I've never had one. I've heard of them; they're rather famous. They're supposed to be delicious, but I think they sound kind of gross, frankly. But should I try one because they're supposed to be so good? And is a dollar a really good deal? How much do they cost usually, anyway? Is this a real bargain that I shouldn't be passing up?

I turned to my husband, feeling slightly panicked. "Do we want the McRib?"

He didn't seem troubled by any of the decision-making angst I was.

"No thank you," he told the speaker confidently. I could only marvel at his decision-making ability.

But then I started to wonder. I looked at the last few months and yes, I've finally started leaning on him more and insisting on my way less. (Usually.) But then I started to notice that lately, I deon't make any hard decisions anymore.

"Are you making me weak?" I asked him worriedly. "Is this bad?"

"I don't think you're weak," he said. "I like making decisions. It stresses you out."

"But shouldn't I be helping you make these big decisions?" I insisted. "Like buying a new car and bills and stuff?"

"Do you want to?"

"Well," I said defensively. "I can. I am certainly capable of helping make them."

"Right," he said, unimpressed. "But do you want to?"

Well... no. Not really. But if he keeps making all the decisions for us, what if I lose my decision-making muscle? What if my decision maker gets really flabby and out of shape? What if he dies, and I'm left to care for myself and our children? Shouldn't I be in practice, knowing how to pay bills and purchase items and manage a household and make decisions? Isn't he putting our family at risk by allowing me to be the weak woman who relies on the stereotypical "strong man" for everything?

I voiced as much.

"I'm a smart, educated woman! You're not using my talents for anything."

"I do use your talents," he protested. "You're good at encouraging me, at reminding me to do things."

"That's not using my intelligence or experience," I said stubbornly.

"It's not," he agreed. "I know you're smart and capable. But I make the decisions because it doesn't bother me to. I know it stresses you out. You can make them, but it's easier for you not to."

Wow. I wasn't sure if I were grateful to him for stepping up and being a man, or worried that he was making me one of those swooning, can't-do-anything-without-a-man, wussy women that I hate.

I guess a little of both. But it seems to work for us, at least for now.

If it ain't broke...