9/30/2011

How Abuse Affected Me



Sometimes, my Dom is a little afraid to hurt me. To be mean to me. To demand submission when I honestly don't want to give it. Culturally charged words like rape and slavery make him cringe.






They used to make me cringe, too.






Pasts abuse made me fear giving up control. Sex was a weapon and men had the power. They could hurt you. They could use you, abandon you, lie to you. They could make you submit, promise you the world, and then tear your dreams of intimacy apart. I'd be left devestated and alone. I wasn't sure I could handle that, so I developed a fear of sex.






Not just all sex. Intimate sex. Mention intimacy and I'd shudder. I'd feel grossed out but couldn't explain why. No, thank you. Hurt me, use me, and I'll use you, but please don't try to be tender to me or look into my eyes or tell me you love me. Gross.






At the same time, I was also afraid of physical manifestations of power. I thought the male organ was gross and ugly. The penis was the enemy! I may not have said it, but I felt it. I acted like it. Because of penises, men did all sorts of awful things. I was not a fan. You might even say I was afraid of them.






Luckily, I met a few men who could control said male organs. Who seemed to actually put me first and their (or what my culture insisted was their) all-consuming need for constant sexual gratification second.






I was suspicious to say the least. Cosmo and tv and even FetLife told me all men were slaves to their sexual appetites. Magazines and tv told me that if men said they weren't looking at porn or masturbating or checking out other women, they were lying to you, simple as that. When such wholesome men came along, I thought I smelled a rat.






Eventually, I married one of those good, wholesome men. I was still pretty suspicious though. I just knew I was going to get used for sex, even if he never said it. I kept waiting for him to push me down and ravage me.






Now, I trust him a lot more. I've learned not all men are animals and I trust my Dom completely.






But sometimes it still makes him afraid to push me too far. Slavery.... consensual non-consent... rape.... coercion.... sexual submission. All these things are things we want and discuss, but he's afraid to go too far and damage me forever. Afraid because over the years I've insisted I could never want those things or trust someone enough to let them happen. Afraid because he's seen my eyes go vacant and my head go somewhere else, seen me roll over in bed shuddering and withdraw completely into myself and not talk to him, seen all the effects of abuse.






It happens less and less. But it's always a possibility. Abuse, like cancer or addiction, is something you can live with and get past, but will always be a part of who you are--- or at least who you were.






My abuse doesn't define who I am anymore. But it did shape who I was. And that affects who I am.






A survivor who is learning to trust someone who loves her very much.

5 comments:

senorrose4 said...

Patience is a virtue in a situation like yours! Slow and easy should be the practice until you can EASILY become the fully submissive partner!!

He needs to communicate with you, make you the queen of his life, and demonstrate a willingness to be there for you in ANY circumstance!!

He needs to develop your trust: this takes plenty of time and action!!

I HOPE that he is willing!!!

Bob.

Alynia said...

I sat reading this with tears in my eyes.
It's horrible what happened to you. On the other hand: how great that you found such a loving, caring Dom who has so much patience with your past. *hug*

Krystal Watters said...

I can understand those sentiments. I've been struggling because I feared I would be abused. I didn't dare get close enough for a relationship at any personal level.

I was in love, but fearful and untrusting. I saw enough in both films and life of men wanting woman for sex and were willing to go to great lengths to claim their prize. Once done, will leave or bargain for more sex.

I was honestly so terrified I wouldn't even let him kiss me upon my lips for the first month of our relationship. When I finally got around to saying the words, 'I love you' took a lot of strength and patience from my Dom. For at the time he knew I wanted to say something and was afraid I wanted to break up with him.

It's been a balancing act of our paranoia, love, trust, fears, and patience. So far communication been the key for us and his knack of patience and reading my reactions. The fears not gone and may never be completely, but we've been working together through these bumps as they come. And that is the key for relationships in my opinion: communication and patience.

London Escort Service said...

I will tell you, this one about knocked me off my feet. Very good thought!! There are still moments that I'm caught off guard by a sweeping emotion of self doubt/recriminations and the lies I told myself and that were told to me, creep in. I'm aware of this and fight it immediately, but it is definitely a LONG road with far reaching effects.

MrJ said...

Thank you for a courageous blog. I am sure that, even in my own close circles, there are some people who may derive inspiration and encouragement from how your reflections helped you to to move away from tough past experiences.