Sadism

I've been reading about sadism.

BDSM is one of those really cool areas of life where there is no "right" way to do it. It's like art: everyone can do it a different way, totally way out there, but everyone can still be right. Some BDSMers are into Christian Domestic Discipline, some are into paganism, some are into pain, emotional mindfucks, getting spanked or paddled, wearing slutty leather with heels, dressing up like a baby, pretending to be a puppy or horse, training a slave, having a servant, getting an orgasm, or being god of a little universe. Some people use the Gorean novels, some use the Bible, some use slave contracts, some use rules, and they all end in vastly different lifestyles and types of kink, but they are all kink.

One that's intriguing me now is the brand of kinkiness that we call "sadism."

Technically, a sadist is someone who enjoys inflicting pain. Maybe they like it for the power trip, or the emotional catharsis, or the adoration, or the sex. Who knows? I'd venture a guess that it's different for everyone.

Just because a sadist finds a masochist doesn't mean they'll live happily ever after. What is the sadist is only interested in making the masochist bleed, but the masochist wants to have her pussy whipped, his bottom spanked, or his mouth gagged? What if the masochist wants to be physically hurt and the sadist wants to mess with a mind and make the masochist cry and scream from emotional pain? There are many brands of sadism.

I discovered a new one of my husband's. He hurt me during sex, really physically hurt me, and he liked it.

Did I like it? Yes and no.

No because it hurt. It really, really hurt me, and not in a good, sexy/pain kind of way, but just in a bad, pain/pain kind of way. I had to grit my teeth and moan. It was not fun. But yes because I liked him having the power to hurt me and the dirty, nasty desire to do so. Yes because afterward I felt bruised, sort, but also enjoyed, weak, and needy. I curled up on his shoulder and went right to sleep.

Since then, sadism has been running through my mind.

The good, the bad, and the ugly.

Spanking During Lent

As Lent approaches, many Christians around the world will begin their preparations for the Easter season by making a Lenten sacrifice. And I don't just mean our Catholic brothers and sisters in Christ, either; many Christian denominations include Lent as a required or optional season for Christian growth, including Methodists, Lutherans, Episcopalians, and even some fundamentalist Christian groups.

A conversation came up on FetLife about the good of adding or giving up spanking during Lent. Of course, the group's members came up with no consensus, but I thought it was worth sharing. Here are some ideas to consider:

• The Lenten season is to be one of solemnity and penance, preparing our hearts to receive the joy of Christ's resurrection on Easter Sunday. We are to follow Christ's model and bear our cross, embracing His suffering. For many people, spanking--because of its sexual nature--may not be an appropriate sacrifice for Lent.
• Some people, especially BDSMers, really like spanking. I mean really, really like spanking. They get some sort of kick from it, whether it is sexual, pain/pleasure, relaxing, kinky, or just the rush of endorphins. For people who enjoy spanking, perhaps giving it up could be a fitting sacrifice.
• Other people do NOT like spanking, and use it only as a punishment in their BDSM relationships. For these people, adding physical pain like what Christ endured could be a good sacrifice during the season.

As always, whether you choose to add spanking or give up spanking or do nothing at all, it depends upon the two people in your relationship and what they enjoy doing. If you feel spanking can help you bring to mind Christ's sufferings, teach you spiritual discipline, or bring you closer to God, then it's something to think about!

Erectile Dysfunction in BDSM relationships

Erectile Dysfunction (ED) is a more common problem than most men admit. Of course, it makes sense that in a culture where manliness, sexual prowress, and sexual abilities are so valued, men are unlikely to openly admit they're having problems keeping an erection. First, let's dispell a few myths about ED. Then we'll discuss how ED can affect BDSM relationships and some treatment options.



Myths About Erectile Dysfunction (ED)

1. Myth: Normal men don't suffer from ED. Fact: In the United States alone, 18 million men suffer from occasional or chronic ED.


2. Myth: Young men don't suffer from ED. Fact: While it's true that the liklihood of suffering from ED increasing with age, men of all ages can experience this illness. ED is most common in men over 65, with as many as 25% of men in this age bracket reporting some instances of ED. According to one study, 5% of men over 40, report some instances of ED; another study claimed the numbers were closer to 18%. Among men as young as their 20s, as many as 7% complained they were unable to maintain an erection long enough for satisfactory sex.


3. Myth: If I can get an erection, I don't have ED. Fact: Erectile dysfunction does not mean the man "can't get it up." Having ED could mean an inability to get an erection, but it could also mean the man gets an erection that is only partially hard, or that quickly wanes, or that he loses completely before sexual intercourse can be completed to the satisfaction of both partners.

Erectile Dysfunction in BDSM Relationships:

ED can be difficult for any relationship, and particularly so in full-time BDSM relationships, where sex and power are inextricably intertwined. For many kinksters, sex is an incredibly important part of their relationship dynamic. If the man cannot perform sexually, this causes additional stress for both partners, and in my experience, ED can make both partners feel guilty, have low self esteem, and get depressed about sex--only making the ED symptoms worsen.

Help for Men Suffering from Erectile Dysfunction:

Of course, I'll give you the obvious answer first: see a doctor. It won't
help you to feel embarrassed about discussing this senitive topic; doctors are
trained to help your body work properly. I've often told doctors things about my
sex life and sexual health that embarrassed me, but I've never met a
doctor who was the least bit embarrassed by my questions, no matter how
intimate or personal they seemed to me.

Often, the causes of ED are physical, especially in older men. The blood flow to the penis is simply not as plentiful or consistent, and medicine can help this issue. Spending longer on foreplay, stroking and touching your partner, and waiting for a longer interval between erections can help the issue. ED can also be caused by diabetes, low blood sugar, high blood pressure, alcohol abuse, chronic smoking, and fatigue.

Sometimes, however, ED is caused by psychologial issues; this is often the case for men in theirs 20s and 30s. Men who suffer from depression or PTSD are more likely to see ED arise as a side effect of this condition; likewise, acute stress such as moving, job changes, a death in the family, or a major life event can cause temporary ED. In these cases, a doctor, sex therapist, or psychiatrist can provide counseling, stress management techniques, or anti-anxiety medication.

No matter why you or your partner are suffering from ED, this can be a hard time for the relationship. Trust me; I've been there! My husband is only 28, but he struggles with occasional PTSD and stress that lead to ED. This can cause hurt feelings, frustration, and low self-esteem for both of us. We're simply learning to work with it, to seek out help, and to communicate about our hurt feelings.



For more information, see my sources for this post:

• Psychological Problems Cause ED in Young Men by Fox News


• Erectile Dysfunction from Family Doctor


• Erectile Dysfunction Basics from WebMD


• Physical Causes of Erectile Dysfunction from WebMD


• Eectile Dysfunction from Healthy Place