Am I a Reflection?

I was reading Storm'y blog today, and in it her Dom/husband said:

She's a reflection on me, she's part of me, and we both want to hold ourselves and each other to high standards as we go about our lives.

And then I think, "Am I a reflection of you?"

Does my husband see me as a reflection of himself? Sometimes I really wonder this.

I certainly see him as a reflection of me. I feel embarrassed when he does foolish things, proud when he does great things. I feel that to society, as well as to our family and friends, his choices and decisions mirror back onto me. I chose this man, his actions seem to say of me. Of all the men in the world, I chose this one to join my life to. What do you think of my choice?

Since husband and wife are one body, I think there is a religious or spiritual reasoning behind us being reflections of one another as well.

But I am not sure if he feels this way about me. When I do something great, he is happy and proud, but I think more for me than seeing it as a reflection on him, a reflection on his choices in a life mate, a reflection of his abilities and strengths as a leader. When I do something bad or wrong, rather than feeling embarrassed or seeing my faults as a reflection of his skills as a leader, I think he just feels bad for me.

This is not the way I see it.

I like the way Stormy's husband sees her, the way I think many DD and D/s husbands see their mates. The sub is a reflection of the Dom-- a reflection of his choices. A reflection of his ability to make sound decisions. And a reflection of his leadership capabilities.

The book Liberated by Submission made the point that, if a woman has turned from a lovely, positive young fiancée to a nagging, critical, harping wife, she has done so under the man's leadership. Rather than guiding her into safe, positive, spiritually enriching waters, he has provided poor guidance or, just as bad, no guidance at all.

Am I a reflection of you? Do you even care what I do or say? How it reflects on you?

Am I your reflection?

Such a simple touch

Walking out of the restaurant, he grips the back of my neck. Squeezes gently.

I am happy. Relaxed.

He is showing his dominance to everyone around us.

But more than that. His love. His tenderness toward me. His caring.

His hand says, "I love this woman. She is mine."

I feel lucky. I sigh, feeling the tension drain. Why do we not do this more often?

He holds my door open for me, gets me into my car, and kisses me goodbye. The moment is broken, but not gone.

We drive our separate ways, him to his work, me to mine.

But that moment at lunch stays with me the rest of the day.

Showing dominance in different ways

I think it's so interesting how those of us in this community show our submission and dominance in different ways.

Some women have written that, as part of their submission, they always order for their husband at restaurants. For me, on the other hand, my husband and I are both more old fashioned. At restaurants, he usually asks me what I want, then communicates my order to the waiter. If I want a refill or some extra condiment, I ask him and he flags down the waiter to ask.

Sometimes I wonder if waiters think this is strange. But I like that my husband is taking this role to protect me and provide for me. He is old-fashioned and likes to treat me that way, opening my doors, getting my lunches ready in the morning, making sure scatterbrained me still has her purse and keys in the morning. You can sometimes see him carrying the baby and the diaper bag and my bags even when I offer to help. He does a great job taking care of me.

Sometimes he will grab me by the hair, kiss me or bite my neck, and then let me go a few minutes later to continue whatever I was doing when he interrupted me. I think he likes being able to do what he wants, when he wants. I think it makes him feel powerful.

Because he is so confident, my Dom is not very jealous or nit-picky. Sometimes I even wish he were a bit more stringent and super-corrective! He is very laid back and confident, so he does not feel threatened if I want to spend time with male friends or my family members. However, he makes sure that any male friends I have, he also knows and has spent time with. I have one male friend that he is comfortable me going to his house alone, because they are good friends and my Dom trusts him 100%. I have another friend that my Dom is good friends with and does not mind me going out to meet him at a public place like lunch, or even my friend coming to my house, but he does ask me not to go to his house alone. I'm not sure why, but I did as he told me.

On the other hand, my Dom and I are both "time" people. Time together is very important to us. If I wanted to spend too much time away from him with other people, it would make him sad and I think he'd say something to me. But I don't, because I love being with him as much as I can.

He sees "taking care of me" as being dominating. Therefore, for him, doing things that others might consider "service," he considers "dominating." He gets my lunches ready in the morning. He cleans the house on weekends. He plays with the baby on Saturdays so I can sleep in. Some people might see this as him submitting to me, but he doesn't. He believes that I am his responsibility to take care of, and he wants to make me happy, and therefore he does these things for me, not because I am in charge or he owes me, but because he wants to take care of me and make me feel loved and cared for.

At first, that confused me. "If you are doing things for me, isn't that me dominating you?" But he said no, absolutely not. He does those things for me out of the kindness of his heart, because he is my Dom and he chooses to take care of me. If he did not want to do them, he would tell me to do them, but he sees this sacrifice for me as a way of being a servant-leader like Jesus.

I'm sure it's not what works for everyone, but it works for us.

Temporary Equality

For those of you not in 24/7 D/s relationships, how do you decide when and how to enter into the D/s aspect?

I've heard of methods people use to get into "the mode" of power exchange. For example:

Have you tried any of these? What about those of you in long-distance D/s or in D/s relationships with children or family around often so you have to appear more the norm when around them? How do you maintain the power exchange all the time, or do you go back and forth between D/s and "normal"?

With a baby and being so near our families, it's harder to maintain a power exchange relationship. We don't have time to spend doing things like spankings or kinky sex. He doesn't seem to have the time or energy to micro-manage me or even to boss me around. Therefore, we've settled into more of a 60/40 relationship than a 90/10 or 100/0 like we were working toward several months ago.

Then, of course, when he wants to suddenly pull out the "I'm in charge" card, I promptly pull out the "No way, Jose!" card. My theory is--and has always been--that men can't be in charge just when they feel like it. It's a responsibility he takes all the time or else we are more or less equal; I can't handle the emotional hurt or mental confusion of not knowing if, when, and how our relationship works, what is expected of me, what I can expect from him, what constitutes bad behavior, and what consequences will be for said bad behavior.

I'm not unhappy. It's just different from before.

I assume it's temporary, until we have more time and energy to put into D/s again. Therefore, I'm not really worried about it. I see it as yet another phase for us to go through.

That's what marriage is.

Collars Sexual

Do collars have to be sexual?

They've certainly been fetish-ized in our culture. What little the mainstream U.S. knows about BDSM is all wrapped up in highly unrealistic depictions of Domme women wearing black leather and spandex and a studded black leather collar. They've become sexual.

I wore a cute red fabric... accessory... the other day.

My Dom didn't like it. "It looks like a collar," he said. "They just seem sexual to me now, after knowing about BDSM."

I scoffed a little. "It's not a collar," I said. "It's like a choker."

People throughout the day commented on it. "It's cute!" "Is that a headband around your neck?" "Are you wearing a collar?" "No, it's a choker." "It's a necklace that looks like one of those headbands."

I simply answered with a smile, "No, it isn't a collar. I'm not a dog." The comments amused me, but didn't really bother me at all. I should have also pointed out that my accessory had no buckle or snap or any sort of collar-like snaps.

My Dom and I don't do collars in our everyday lives. Sure, we've incorporated one into our play sessions in the past, but it's not a big part of our dynamic and it's certainly not a staple of our relationship. I have never been collared or, for that matter, worn a collar out in public. (My guess is he thinks my wedding ring is good enough! lol)

So I didn't feel weird or strange or sexual wearing my accessory. To me, it was just a fun piece of jewelry to add to my normal look. It didn't mean anything about my Dom or our relationship; it wasn't related to that at all.

I still think it was funny how many people thought it was a collar, though.

Thanks for that, mainstream tv.