Temporary Equality

For those of you not in 24/7 D/s relationships, how do you decide when and how to enter into the D/s aspect?

I've heard of methods people use to get into "the mode" of power exchange. For example:

Have you tried any of these? What about those of you in long-distance D/s or in D/s relationships with children or family around often so you have to appear more the norm when around them? How do you maintain the power exchange all the time, or do you go back and forth between D/s and "normal"?

With a baby and being so near our families, it's harder to maintain a power exchange relationship. We don't have time to spend doing things like spankings or kinky sex. He doesn't seem to have the time or energy to micro-manage me or even to boss me around. Therefore, we've settled into more of a 60/40 relationship than a 90/10 or 100/0 like we were working toward several months ago.

Then, of course, when he wants to suddenly pull out the "I'm in charge" card, I promptly pull out the "No way, Jose!" card. My theory is--and has always been--that men can't be in charge just when they feel like it. It's a responsibility he takes all the time or else we are more or less equal; I can't handle the emotional hurt or mental confusion of not knowing if, when, and how our relationship works, what is expected of me, what I can expect from him, what constitutes bad behavior, and what consequences will be for said bad behavior.

I'm not unhappy. It's just different from before.

I assume it's temporary, until we have more time and energy to put into D/s again. Therefore, I'm not really worried about it. I see it as yet another phase for us to go through.

That's what marriage is.

Collars Sexual

Do collars have to be sexual?

They've certainly been fetish-ized in our culture. What little the mainstream U.S. knows about BDSM is all wrapped up in highly unrealistic depictions of Domme women wearing black leather and spandex and a studded black leather collar. They've become sexual.

I wore a cute red fabric... accessory... the other day.

My Dom didn't like it. "It looks like a collar," he said. "They just seem sexual to me now, after knowing about BDSM."

I scoffed a little. "It's not a collar," I said. "It's like a choker."

People throughout the day commented on it. "It's cute!" "Is that a headband around your neck?" "Are you wearing a collar?" "No, it's a choker." "It's a necklace that looks like one of those headbands."

I simply answered with a smile, "No, it isn't a collar. I'm not a dog." The comments amused me, but didn't really bother me at all. I should have also pointed out that my accessory had no buckle or snap or any sort of collar-like snaps.

My Dom and I don't do collars in our everyday lives. Sure, we've incorporated one into our play sessions in the past, but it's not a big part of our dynamic and it's certainly not a staple of our relationship. I have never been collared or, for that matter, worn a collar out in public. (My guess is he thinks my wedding ring is good enough! lol)

So I didn't feel weird or strange or sexual wearing my accessory. To me, it was just a fun piece of jewelry to add to my normal look. It didn't mean anything about my Dom or our relationship; it wasn't related to that at all.

I still think it was funny how many people thought it was a collar, though.

Thanks for that, mainstream tv.

Changes but still good

We're dealing with more life changes. New job, car broken down, another car wrecked, and still dealing with postpartum period and anxiety related to that. Whew!

With all this going on, I don't have much time to blog. We don't have much time to have D/s or BDSM time, either.

Things are going well, though. We both pull our weight, so there is little D/s needed. Although it makes me less happy than having him be in charge, we just share the weight and the burden of our lives and it works well. I work, he works, we take care of the baby, we get dinner made, we clean, we cook, we repeat the process. I'll say that he does pick up more of the slack around the house, cooking and cleaning and doing dishes, so that I can spend our evenings with the baby, holding her or feeding her or generally spending time with her. He says it's even, one of us caring for the baby and the other taking care of the house. He doesn't mind taking care of the house so that, as he says, I can take better care of our baby. I feel grateful to have a man willing to do that.

This winter is promising to be unseasonably warm. THANK GOODNESS. I hated last winter--- cold, cold, and miserable. I've enjoyed the strangely spring-like weather. The few days of cold and rain we've had have been bearable because they rarely last more than a few days. I'm just excited for May to get here and spring to be here in earnest.

I hope all my blogger buddies out there are still writing and enjoying their lives. (*sends a friendly wave out into blogger-land*). Hope to talk to you soon!

Pinterest

I can't believe I've just discovered Pinterest! I'm still anxiously awaiting an invite. I have had 3 friends sent invites to 4 different email addresses, but NONE of them are arriving.

Sad face for me. One point to Pinterest for being choosey about invites and garnering more hype for their site.

I couldn't believe how beautiful it was. Recipes I'd love to try (or have my Dom try, hehehe), gorgeous photos full of color, my dream house, you name it.

Also, now I want to participate in a flash mob. Preferably a musical shabang of some sort. Love it.

That's all that's new here with us.... Pinterest and flash mobs.

Post-Christmas Post (heh heh)

Ok, so my title was an unintentional play on words. I love those.

As I'm enjoying my time off for work, reading my Blog List since who-knows-how-long ago, I'm enjoying getting back into the lives of all my favorite writers. I feel like I've missed quite a lot in their lives, so I did some back-reading to catch up. It's nice to be back in their familiar lives via their writing.

Everyone seems to be summing up how the holidays went. Several spanked women have reported getting more spankings due to increased Christmas-time stress. It's very understandable, but that's not how our holidays went.

Like most of you out there, my holidays were stressful. Thankfully, that didn't really cause problems between my Dom and I. If anything, I'm more thankful to have him and the holidays really made me aware of how reliant on him I could become if I let myself.

Yes, the holidays are stressful for all of us for different reasons. Family, money, travel, packed schedules, etc. For me, they are stressful because my parents are divorced. Nine years later, they cannot seem to find a way to split the holidays in a way that makes both of them happy. They don't communicate with each other about who's doing what when, and then they both get mad and upset at the plans the other one has made, and then I invariably take sides and get upset and it causes fights between me and my father and sometimes my mother.

This year, I invited them both to my house to see the baby's first Christmas. Then I suggested my Dom, the baby, and I head to Mom's for lunch and Dad's for dinner. Everyone was agreeable to this plan and both seemed to think it was fair that neither should miss the baby's first Christmas morning. I thought I had avoided a big fight over Christmas plans for the first time.

I should have known better.

We have close family friends who live in another state. When my parents got divorced, these friends got caught in the middle. So we ended up having a huge fight about who could be with them when.

My mom planned to go have Christmas with them this weekend, Friday through Sunday. My dad also planned to go have Christmas with them.

A huge fight ensued, which was very upsetting for me as I felt caught in the middle.

My dad's side is this:

• he wants to do Christmas with the family friends AND my mom and her husband



• he says she needs to "get over" hating him after 9 years divorced



• he thinks it's not fair to ask him to miss Christmas dinner and presents with them



• he also thinks my mom is "dictating" everyone else's Christmas since she's the only person who does not want to be together and everyone else would be fine with it, so she should just suck it up and live with him and his girlfriend being there



• if we do Christmas celebrations with them separately, he says he will miss getting to see the baby open her presents from them and it is awkward to just have him exchange one gift with them, rather than watch 10 people all opening many gifts



• he thinks he should get to spend New Year's weekend with them since he has to travel there anyway to see his side of the family, who has their reunion that weekend



• he thinks it would be simpler for everyone and less awkward for our family friends if they don't have to "choose" which parent to celebrate with (my brother, my husband, the baby, and I are only there long enough to do one celebration, so that ends up being the "official" one)

My mom's side is this:

• she says my dad should not expect to spend Christmas celebrations together when they are divorced



• she hates him and being around him makes her miserable, anxious, and sick to her stomach. She says she can handle it on occasions (like sharing the baby's first Christmas morning) but not often



• she says his "get over it" attitude is belittling of her feelings and he treats her feelings as though they don't matter at all



• she says he sees these family friends more than she does and should be willing to let her have Christmas since he sees them several times more a year



• she says his presence there ruins her time with her friends, or if she decides to go away when we have our celebration, she has traveled 4 hours to spend a weekend with them and then gets forced to either put up with him for Christmas dinner or has to go sit by herself for an evening and miss time with them

Ideally the family friends would just decide and put an end to it, but they are all so passive. They tell my mom they agree with her, and then turn around and tell my dad they agree with him. They refuse to take a stand either way and just wait silently for my parents to both arrive there and fight it out between themselves.

This has been terrible for me. It makes me feel anxious and I've been having nightmares.

I try not to get in the middle of it and just let them handle it, but they NEVER DO. They just realized yesterday that they both plan to be there this weekend. Now they are both mad at each other and blaming the other one for not making plans and communicating with each other. Dad is mad at Mom for being selfish and wanting to exclude him, and she says he should just go visit his other family and leave her time with them uninterrupted.

I end up having to play the go-between. I end up relaying messages back and forth, not because they ask me to, but because if I don't bring it up, no one will. And it upsets me and makes me anxious to know this huge fight is coming, so I prefer to just talk to them myself and get it over with for my own sanity.

This season, I have had one big fight with my father when he told me my mom was "silly" for not wanting to share our family friends with him and she should "get over it" and not be upset. I started yelling at him that he can't belittle her feelings and that it's selfish of him to be willing to ruin her Christmas just so he can have his way and pretend everyone is happy and ignore the fact that it makes her anxious, sick to her stomach, and stay up feeling sick and anxious when she knows she has to be around him. He denies that it bothers her at all and just thinks she exaggerates so she can exclude him from our friends.

Then I had to deal with my mother when she flipped out that he was coming and started panicking and yelling about how he never cared about them before, why can't he just leave her alone to see her friends, and why did he never plan anything with her, and she only sees them 3 times a year and he goes down once every month or two so can't he just let her spend Christmas with them alone?! And then I was trying to explain where he's coming from and telling her it's not fair to expect him to not see them for Christmas and it almost started a fight between us. And then she went off crying and upset, which made me miserable and feel just sick.

I know I should let them be adults and handle this themselves, but the problem is they DON'T handle this and never have. Every year, we go through this same fight! And it puts me in the middle and I end up getting mad at one of them and it makes me feel anxious and start dreading going, so it affects me too.

I have suggested they just alternate holidays, every other year, so that way one of them misses the big Christmas celebration every year, but neither of them wants to miss it. And my dad says my mother is welcome so why can't she just get over it? And my mom says it isn't fair to make her miss Christmas with people when she planned this months ago with them.

It is very stressful for me.

Mostly, my Dom has tried to stay out of it because they are my parents. He has been very supportive of me and nice, holding me and giving me advice. The one thing I wish is that he would get involved so I don't have to fight both my parents' battles for them. I know he has opinions about this but he never tells them.

Last night we were having a discussion with my dad about this, and my Dom just sat there. It was so infuriating! I want him to be my knight in shining armor and I've told him several times that I hate it when he stands back and makes me deal with all the conflict. I understand he may feel reluctant to get into my family drama, but we are married now and it is our family. He is very very close to both my parents and they respect him and understand that he has a stake in these decisions too, and I think he has a right to voice his opinion. I wish he would because conflict with them stresses me out so much more than it does him, and one of the benefits of me giving up more control was supposed to be that he would deal more with conflict and handle our lives more, taking more responsibility for making sure that I am emotionally safe and happy.

So I asked him what he thought and he shrugged and said nothing. I wanted to throttle him!!!!

He is so strong and confident with conflict with me or work or his own friends. But with my family he just checks out and makes me deal with it myself. I want him to step in and protect me and help me deal with the problems as they come.

I know some husbands aren't close to their wives' families but we live in the same tiny town as them, see them all the time, and he calls them Mom and Dad. I think he is close enough to them that it would not be overstepping his bounds to get involved.

Every holiday season, I have to deal with my parents' inability to see eye to eye. They just want such different things and they seem to have no regard for what the other one wants. I believe they are both trying to be "fair" but Mom's idea of fair is that Dad go down another weekend, and Dad's idea of fair is that everyone celebrate together.

It is driving me crazy.

I would just not go but that is punishing me and my husband and our family friends, and we are not the ones whose problem this is.

I am just not sure what to do.

Ohhhh, the holidays.

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