Challenge for Kinksters

Something I see a lot on the internet and in comments/emails posted to me about this blog is new kinksters feeling confused about where to start. What do they want? Which label best describes them? Are they top, Dom, Master, Owner, Daddy, slave, sub, switch? How do they convince their husband/wife/partner to be kinky with them?

So my advice for beginners, other than try everything once and don't be afraid to experiment with the different facets of BDSM to see which ones you really like, (see my beginner's guides for many of these things on this blog), is this: if you think you are interested in the D/s aspect of BDSM, try it for ten minutes a day. Period.

Too many people--me included--get so excited as beginners that they rush out the gate from total newbie to 24/7 D/s slavery. Fueled by sexy BDSM erotica, first-time websites, and mental fantasies they are sure will soon be realized, partnerships can burn out too fast and end in total disappointment, tears, fights, and frustrations.

Trust me. My Dom and I have been there!

Start slowly. Yes, I know it's exciting! And very, very sexy. But start slowly and let yourselves build up to the right level of D/s for you. Be creative and don't be afraid to experiment. And--this lesson is very important and one I learned the hard way, many times, before it sank it--don't criticize when you communicate. Just communicate. No judgments or criticisms necessary. Trust me, they won't be received well.

Start for a week and set the goal of incorporating some D/s into your days for 10 minutes a day. It doesn't have to be a lot. When we were newlyweds, we had a lot more time to devote to D/s and BDSM. Now, we have a baby and a house and family and jobs and pets. We are also supposed to squeeze sleep and relaxation and a few couple-only dates into the mix. We don't have a lot of alone time for scenes or drawn-out domination.

For me, this daily dose of D/s (ha! alliteration!) works sort of like maintenance spankings work for DD couples. I don't need to be spanked, but I do need a reminder that he's in charge. That he loves me. That he makes time for me and for us. It's a time for us to re-connect briefly. And to my surprise, it gets me through the next 23 hours and 50 minutes just fine. I don't need 2-hour scenes to be happy. But I do need a reminder of his domination.

Last week, he decided to spend the last 10 minutes before bed dominating me a little bit. I really liked it. We got the baby down, watched some 30 Rock or the Olympics, cuddled, brushed our teeth, read our Bible. Then we just had a short reconnection time with dominance play involved.

One day, he simply pinned me down and kissed me. Once we wrestled and giggled and we both re-discovered how much stronger than me he is. One night he just used the vibrator on me quickly and made me come, whether or not I wanted to. Another night I was being mouthy and he flipped me over and spanked me, hard, on my thighs. I, of course, got all pissed off and stopped talking to him. He waited patiently with his arms around me until I calmed down half an hour later and was able to realize that he was not being "unfair" or a "jerk" and was just being firm and giving me discipline. Another night he used the vibrator on me and turned it up high so I couldn't come but just squirmed from pain. I hated it! I went to bed sulky and mad, but he went to bed with a malicious little smile on his face.

None of these took much time, but the next day, I wasn't so snippy or mouthy with him. Even that little bit of domination was enough to remind me who was boss and to remind him to lead me.

One night, we were too tired and we just fell into bed. Another night, we were arguing and we stayed up late trying to patch the problem. Neither night did we engage in any D/s or domination, either physical or mental.

You can guess what happened.

My attitude began to rise, unchecked. During the days, I got snippier. More mouthy. "Ha! You can't boss me around! Who do you think you are?" my body language was saying.

What do you think happened next? He felt disrespected. I felt unloved and angry. We started fighting more. Bickering more. Cuddling less.

Just 10 minutes a day, folks. It's a good way to start out and a good place to work up from.

Take the 10-Minute-a-Day Challenge. Let me know how it goes!

Olympic Wrestling at Home

Last night was fun.

We wrestled.

It's been a long time since we wrestled. Like, back-when-we-were-dating long time.

He was showing me how to use my weight effectively against a bigger opponent. What can I say? The Olympics on tv obviously inspired us.

It was sexy, for me. I'd forgotten how strong he is.

No, my Dom is not a muscle machine. He looks, sadly, nothing like those hot young things in London we've been seeing so much of on tv. But that's okay.

Neither of us are in our prime anymore. When we met, he was a single guy who devoted his time to working out. He had muscles. Yum. Not too much, not too little. His arms... whoa. Firm and flexing over me in bed. Yes please. And I was a skinny young thing of 23, about twenty pounds lighter than I am now, and with a body that had not yet gotten droopy and loose with the weight of pregnancy.

That's okay.

Even without all those rippling muscles and taut tummy he used to have, when we were wrestling I realized, Whoa. He's still a lot stronger than me! Like, a lot stronger than me. The ease with which he flipped me over and pinned me was kind of sexy. "Let's do it again!" I giggled. And so we did.

At the end, I felt very attracted to him. I wanted to race to the bedroom and shake the dust off our bondage and pain toys.

I may have ruined the moment a bit by trying to hug him too hard, and inadvertently banging him in the tooth with my head.

Oops.

So we had a pause in our sexy time, for him to run to the bathroom and ascertain he was not bleeding, and for me to apologize profusely and mentally kick myself for ruining the vibe.

And it was just yesterday I was blogging about how scenes often don't go as perfectly in real life as they do in books and on the internet.

But we got back up on the horse, and headed to bed. He didn't feel up to bondage or implements of torture, but he did use the vibrator on me and grab my throat and hold me down. Yessss, please. I love it when he's rough with me. He got that deep throaty chuckle I love, the one that means he's let his guard down and is letting his evil, domineering side come out to play. He forced me to moan out loud because he knows I hate it and it embarrasses me. He kept his hand, firm and strong, against my throat the whole time. I couldn't move. I could barely breathe. He was in control.

And we went to bed, snuggling and happy, and me giggling and whispering my thanks. I love it when he dominates me.

There may have been a break in there where I had to go comfort a crying baby, but this is the internet, place where D/s goes perfectly and without a hitch, so we'll pretend like that didn't happen.