4/25/2010

BDSM Blogger's Coming-Out Story

Did you know that many BDSMers "come out" to their family and friends, just like gay and bi folks do? That's right, apparently it's such a big deal in some families that parents disown you and exes try to get custody of your kids away from you. It's really sad.

I do not have my own coming-out story, mainly because
  1. I am not a full-time BDSMer and so it is pretty easy to keep my somewhat kinky desires to myself,
  2. My mother and brother are both very comfortable talking about sexuality with me, so while I've never gone into complete detail with them, they both know I like some pain and rough sex, and they both see it as a completely normal desire to want rough sex with your husband on an occasional basis, and
  3. my family respects my boundaries, and while they are happy to hear about sex stories I want to share with them, and to give advice, we never really go into super detail about our exploits (I know--ew).

So, I've never come out to my family or friends, although my close friends have an inkling that I write a sex-based blog and know a lot about kink, even if they don't assume I engage in it myself.

However, I do hear a lot of really sad stories about kinksters who "come out" to their family or friends and are completely shunned. Especially with Christian kinksters, some of their pastors and families seem to think that you can't love and follow Christ and have kinky sex, and their families are sadly judgmental. (I'm happy to say that my mother is a wonderful Christian woman who believes that within marriage, anything I want to do with my husband is fine.)

There are lots of sex bloggers on the internet--obviously--and the ones that are good, I try to share on here so my readers can enjoy them as well. There are not many Christian BDSM bloggers, but there are lots of secular BDSM sites that are very Christian friendly: they don't contain porn or anti-religious messages, they don't support wild sex with strangers every time you get horny, and they simply describe the BDSM lifestyle of the author. It can be hard to find BDSM sites that don't confuse BDSM with "porn" (the two are very different), but they are out there.

Today, I read a coming out story by Clarisse Thorn. Clarisse is a well-established BDSM blogger in the Chicago area, and her story of how she discovered the kinkster within herself has recently been published by Time Out Chicago. I've read several of Clarisse's posts, and her frank discussion of BDSM stereotypes is refreshing and informative; also important, I found nothing anti-Christian about her site, although it appears to be non-religious.

Here is an excerpt from Clarisse's first experience with extreme BDSM:

"It's okay," Richard said, "she likes it," and pulled my hair hard enough to force me to bow my head. I do? I managed to think, before thought vanished back into the blur of alcohol and pain. Our friend's face loomed over me, concern sketched vividly on his features.

I closed my eyes.

"Mercy," I whispered.

To read more of her story, "Love Bites," simply follow the link.

And so, readers, I'm curious. Do you have a "coming out" story? How did your friends and family handle it? Were you greeted with love and acceptance or judgment and condemnation?

3 comments:

ariia said...

"exes try to get custody of your kids away from you"

And that is precisely why I will not be "coming out" any time soon to my family and friends. My kids come first. My ex isn't the nicest of people and I'm sure he might just try and get my girls from me if he found out what I like behind closed doors. The fact that I'm in a monogamous relationship with my Master wouldn't matter. The fact that my EX tried to get married to his mistress before our divorced was even finalized wouldn't matter either, he'd just be trying to control me in one last form.

As far as family goes, maybe one day, but not any time soon. For now I'm perfectly happy with them all thinking I'm just "old fashioned" Hell they don't even know I'm no longer a Christian! If I can't tell mom I'm an atheist, there's no way I can tell her anything about my kinky side!

And you're right, it is sad, but it's part of life for me and I've learned to just accept it for what it is now and hope that I can do something about it later in the future.

Clarisse Thorn said...

Hi! Thank you for linking to my coming-out story, and thanks for letting me know on my blog.

I was actually raised Unitarian, which has incredibly wonderful comprehensive sex education -- but there were issues with that, too, as I once discussed in my post Liberal, Sex-Positive Sex Education: What's Missing:
http://clarissethorn.wordpress.com/2009/01/19/liberal-sex-positive-sex-education-whats-missing/

Today I identify as a secular humanist (and still a Unitarian), but I certainly have no problem with religious folks, and I'm thrilled to see sex educators like you working within the Christian population (and other religious groups as well). You're providing really important support within your communities.

I hope that Christians would find me to be a good source of information, but I understand that as a non-Christian I'll never be ideal, and so I'm doubly grateful to you for filling in that gap.

BDSM said...

I like this blog post..Thanks for sharing posting with us..BDSM activities surely gives some extra fun and entrainment for sure..if the desired activities will take place...

BDSM
Rope Bondage
London Dominatrix