I lie and wait

I lie and wait for the triple header I know is coming, 

That I know I deserve after mentioning threesomes and reading erotica and hitting him 

Am I in for a bad night? 

He has trained me somehow,

Changed me somehow, 

Made me this woman who lies in bed awaiting her triple fucking, asking for it, needing it

Needing the connection,

The atonement for sins past 

Waiting to be overcome,

Needing to be reminded who's boss 

The baseball game captures his attention a few moments more

I'm tingling, nervous 

Still aching from the welt his hand left on me when I hit him--

He already marked me

What punishment is in store? 

The game is almost over. 

Husband Punishes Wife Without Spanking

There is a serious lack of information on any sort of husband-led relationship that includes disciplines without spanking. Seriously, every time you type it in, whether you're looking for tips or support or erotic or that damn porn that always creeps up begging for clicks, because heaven forbid you want information not found in highly unrealistic pornography.

We have a relationship with punishment and domination without spanking. In fact, I haven't been spanked in years. Not only because I've been so good. Also because that's not the way our D/s works.

We Come Together Again

We come together again,

And it is beautiful.

 

We come together in the light of a rainbow dusk

You feel me, you read me, you understand me:

You conquer me.

 

My Julius, your strong hands grip me,

Leave me no choice, take me

 

I shudder under your grip,

Subspace engulfs me,

I relax, sinking down

gratefully

 

You are mine

Your hands say it,

Your hips say it,

Your teeth say it as they tear into my neck

I am yours.

Wondering, worrying

Sometimes, our sex life is so great. Like, a 9/10. And I say that only because I always want to leave room for improvement and growth.

There's domination, rape, when I'm very lucky bondage. (He likes to use his hands, bore!)

I feel so close to him during the day. We laugh a lot together. I think about how good our marriage is and how happy I am.

Sometimes, our sex life is not so great. He seems lazy and uninspired; he tells me he's busy at work. I understand this, but I yearn. I want to be passive, not the one who has to entice and convince and hope and climb on top. I'm disappointed. He pokes around with the lack of skill I imagine a teenage boy would have. He comes too soon. He takes too long to come. He does not want to dominate me.

When those bad times happen, he tells me he's tired, it's just a fluke. When the good times happen he retroactively acts like he planned it all along. Oh, I meant to pretend to fall asleep and upset you and then wake up and rape you. I totally meant to have sex on a fertile day even before you begged me for it. Part of me wants to rejoice that we're so in tune. But the other part of me thinks, is this too in tune? If the bad occasions are a fluke, is it probable the good ones are, too?

Temporary Equality

For those of you not in 24/7 D/s relationships, how do you decide when and how to enter into the D/s aspect?

I've heard of methods people use to get into "the mode" of power exchange. For example:

Have you tried any of these? What about those of you in long-distance D/s or in D/s relationships with children or family around often so you have to appear more the norm when around them? How do you maintain the power exchange all the time, or do you go back and forth between D/s and "normal"?

With a baby and being so near our families, it's harder to maintain a power exchange relationship. We don't have time to spend doing things like spankings or kinky sex. He doesn't seem to have the time or energy to micro-manage me or even to boss me around. Therefore, we've settled into more of a 60/40 relationship than a 90/10 or 100/0 like we were working toward several months ago.

Then, of course, when he wants to suddenly pull out the "I'm in charge" card, I promptly pull out the "No way, Jose!" card. My theory is--and has always been--that men can't be in charge just when they feel like it. It's a responsibility he takes all the time or else we are more or less equal; I can't handle the emotional hurt or mental confusion of not knowing if, when, and how our relationship works, what is expected of me, what I can expect from him, what constitutes bad behavior, and what consequences will be for said bad behavior.

I'm not unhappy. It's just different from before.

I assume it's temporary, until we have more time and energy to put into D/s again. Therefore, I'm not really worried about it. I see it as yet another phase for us to go through.

That's what marriage is.

Becoming a weaker woman

"Are you making me into a weak woman?" I asked.

My Dom seemed confused. "Why would you think that?"

Why would I think that? Because now it seems like I've become used to relying on him to make every decision I don't feel like making. I can't decide between the chicken and the fish. Which one do I want, babe? I'm not sure if I'd like fries to go with that for only a dollar. Do I want fries, babe?

If I want something, I say so. And he doesn't care. But if I'm hesitating, I turn to him. Even on the smallest things.

I've noticed an alarming pattern to my answers when my parents ask me questions. "Getting a new car? I don't know if we've started looking. Ask him." Or, "Utilities high this month? I have no idea. Ask him." Or, "Are the bills paid on time? I don't know. He always takes care of that."

Last night, I noticed the pattern. I noticed this when the voice from the drive-through speakers asked me if we wanted an extra McRib for only a dollar.

McRib? I've never had one. I've heard of them; they're rather famous. They're supposed to be delicious, but I think they sound kind of gross, frankly. But should I try one because they're supposed to be so good? And is a dollar a really good deal? How much do they cost usually, anyway? Is this a real bargain that I shouldn't be passing up?

I turned to my husband, feeling slightly panicked. "Do we want the McRib?"

He didn't seem troubled by any of the decision-making angst I was.

"No thank you," he told the speaker confidently. I could only marvel at his decision-making ability.

But then I started to wonder. I looked at the last few months and yes, I've finally started leaning on him more and insisting on my way less. (Usually.) But then I started to notice that lately, I deon't make any hard decisions anymore.

"Are you making me weak?" I asked him worriedly. "Is this bad?"

"I don't think you're weak," he said. "I like making decisions. It stresses you out."

"But shouldn't I be helping you make these big decisions?" I insisted. "Like buying a new car and bills and stuff?"

"Do you want to?"

"Well," I said defensively. "I can. I am certainly capable of helping make them."

"Right," he said, unimpressed. "But do you want to?"

Well... no. Not really. But if he keeps making all the decisions for us, what if I lose my decision-making muscle? What if my decision maker gets really flabby and out of shape? What if he dies, and I'm left to care for myself and our children? Shouldn't I be in practice, knowing how to pay bills and purchase items and manage a household and make decisions? Isn't he putting our family at risk by allowing me to be the weak woman who relies on the stereotypical "strong man" for everything?

I voiced as much.

"I'm a smart, educated woman! You're not using my talents for anything."

"I do use your talents," he protested. "You're good at encouraging me, at reminding me to do things."

"That's not using my intelligence or experience," I said stubbornly.

"It's not," he agreed. "I know you're smart and capable. But I make the decisions because it doesn't bother me to. I know it stresses you out. You can make them, but it's easier for you not to."

Wow. I wasn't sure if I were grateful to him for stepping up and being a man, or worried that he was making me one of those swooning, can't-do-anything-without-a-man, wussy women that I hate.

I guess a little of both. But it seems to work for us, at least for now.

If it ain't broke...

My Submission Flows from His Dominance

Lil over at Submissive Sanctuary wrote a post on how D/s connects with love. While I like that topic, the part of her post that resonated with me was actually about how her style of submission often follows a display of dominance by her Alpha, rather than the reverse.

Here's what Lil wrote:

Do I need Dominance to inspire my submission? Yes. I'm like an addict and I want my fix. But I also feel like that fix should come from submission itself--not necessarily just from dominance. Being picky with submission doesn't work.
That's not what it's about. If He was how I wanted Him to be all the time, and only did what I wanted, then it wouldn't really be D/s at all.

My Dom has sometimes complained that I treat TTWD as a fix. I've admitted before that subspace feels a lot like being high. It's a great feeling! Who wouldn't want to re-create it? In subspace, I feel more submissive, I feel more loving toward my Dom, he looks manlier and hotter to me, I respect him more, and we have great, mind-blowing sex. And I mean actually mentally mind-blowing, the kind that is not just physically feels good but deeply mental and therefore much, much more meaningful and sexual to me. So yes, of course I am like an addict chasing that high. And when I don't get it, I can get grumpy. I complain and nag. I blame him for "not dominating me enough."

At least, I used to do those things. I flatter myself that over the last couple of months I've realized this bad behavior of mine and come a long way toward fixing it. I've started submitting to him not just when I feel like it, but because it's the biblical thing to do or because he wants it. I've stopped nagging and complaining and try to verbalize my complaints in a more positive, less derogatory way. All those blogs I read on submission are not completely lost on me; I've learned from them. :)

Am I completely cured of my nagginess? No. But I have improved a lot.

Like Lil, my Dom has commented before that sometimes I want D/s the way I picture it, when I want it, and how I want it.

This is true on some level and not on another. Let me explain.

Yes, I want D/s the way I want it. Like an addict chasing her next high, I adore that feeling of subbiness that he can make me feel when he gives me rules and structure, when he is stern with me, or when he makes me follow a rule even when I complain and protest. I think it's unbearably sexy when he overpowers me, not necessarily physically but mentally and emotionally. I'm very stubborn, and when he can prove that he's more stubborn than me and his word is law, I respond by becoming more maleable and submissive. The problem is that this is my idea of submission and Dominance. His idea is a lot less based on rules and coercion and displays of strength. His style of leadership is, in his words, to "empower" others. (I'm not always sure what he means.) I think he would prefer to point me in the direction I should go, and just have me go there. To me, that is not really D/s, but I understand it's a valid but just different idea of D/s than mine.

But no, I don't always want D/s just the way I insist on it being. I find it very sexy when he does what he wants with me, if I'm in the right mood. If I'm not in the right mood, unwanted sexual advances make me feel panicky and withdrawn, and unwanted directives and command make me feel petulant and fiesty. But in the right mood, I love him having his way with me. It's sexy to be used by him for his pleasure, whether it's making him dinner or doing a chore he set up for me or letting him have his way with me.

That can be difficult for him and for me because it's hard for me to tell him which mood I'm in and it's hard for him to guess. For one, sometimes I don't always know. Sometimes I want both at once; part of me wants him to boss me around, punish me, and overpower me, and part of me yells at him that he's a jerk and he's unfair and who does he think he is, anyway? It's confusing for me, let alone him. And sometimes I do know exactly what I want but it ruins it to tell him. "Hey, could you please pretend to get mad at me for breaking this rule, and give me a long lecture, then force me over your knee and spank me and tell me what a bad girl I've been?" Nooooot sexy. I can't say, "Hey, please overpower me and force me" because then he isn't forcing me, he's doing what I want. I can't say, "Be really strict with me and punish me" because then the punishment and the strictness aren't real. I'm not interested in playing sexual "games" where he's the principal and I'm the school girl. I don't want to play games at all. I want it to be real, which means the dominance must come from him and it cannot be because I've requested it and said exactly how I want him to be. I want him to dominate me completely on his own, because he wants to use me or punish me, not because he is pretending to want to in order to make me happy.

Sometimes I test or struggle against him precisely because I want to know, Is this real? I'm not trying to create drama or conflict; I'm worried that I'll actually get what I want and before I trust it and get all happy and rejoice that he's the man I always wanted him to be, I want to make sure it's real. Is he doing this because he wants to or because he's just playing along to make me happy? And even if he wants to, is this just a fun, kinky game he's playing lightly to enjoy every few months, or does he want to increase our level of D/s to be more controlled and more strict all the time? These are things I need to know before I feel it's "safe" to let go and surrender completely.

Why I am afraid to surrender completely? Because I'm afraid of who I am when I'm that submissive. I do and say things totally unlike myself. I feel out of control, I feel high, I feel emotionally vulnerable, I feel completely his. I love that feeling, but before I give in to it I want to make sure that he is ready for that commitment, that he wants it, that he will still want it in 4 days and 5 weeks and 5 months, that he is prepared to do the work and put forth the effort to be in charge of a headstrong and fiery woman for good.

And often, it seems he starts out well, but then he gets busy at work or something... and it falls away. And he gets less consistent and less bossy and less controlling and less sexual. And then I'm left feeling hurt and vulnerable that I let myself open up to that scary part of myself, and I trusted him to control me forever, and he just used it as a short-term hobby until his life got too busy and then he went back to being more vanilla and wanting me to take care of myself.

It scares me.

And also it makes me angry and resentful because I don't get my "fix."

This is why, like Lil said in her post, I want his Dominance to come first and to inspire my submission.... not the other way around.

Do I realize he can't always be in charge of the D/s? Yes. That I have to put in work, too? That sometimes I have to give in even when I don't want to? That my submission can't always just be a reflection of his dominance? Yes.

But I wish it could.

Labels: Am I DD or D/s?

Labels are good because they help us define what we are and what we are not.

But sometimes we get carried away with labels.

For instance, on this blog, should I call my husband my Dom or my HoH? Or even my Master or my Daddy? Some of these labels are ones that those in the BDSM scene will identify with and some are used more by those in DD, although I do see some crossover.

All four terms could apply to him at different times in our relationship. So I generally just call him my Dom, because that's what I started calling him when I started this blog.

Of course, when I started this blog I thought we were into BDSM. Now online BDSM forums have led me to discover that we are actually more similar to CDD or Taken in Hand.

I try to keep one foot in both communities.

No, you won't find me at a munch or wearing a black leather bustier at a local dungeon. On the other hand, most of my punishments aren't OTK and I don't have a list of rules like many DD couples do.

As this post aptly pointed out, BDSM and CDD and DD and Taken in Hand don't have to be seen as completely separate lifestyles. There is actually quite a bit of overlap.

Punishments and spanking... total power exchange... male-led relationships... there's not a huge difference between being a "Christian kinkster" and being in a "domestic discipline" relationship. They both share these common characteristics.

I worry about other people getting caught up in the labels, though. Will people from both communities judge me? Will BDSM writers dismiss my blog because I'm Christian, monogamous, and against activities like pornography, sex work, public play, homosexuality, and polyamory? These things are sometimes seen as basic parts of BDSM. On the other hand, will DD bloggers be turned off from my site because I use terms like FetLife, Dom, and nipple torture? I worry about how to straddle that line.

I wonder sometimes if my Dom and I are D/s (Dominant/submissive, which is a BDSM term) or CDD (Christian Domestic Discipline, which is a DD term). I often follow DD blogs and comment more on those kind of blogs, because I connect more with a community that is mostly married, monogamous, and often Christian. On the other hand, I hesitate to distance myself completely from BDSM because that's where my husband and I started our journey into power exchange. We actually don't use spankings that much and we still like to use bondage, punishments, and nipple torture.

Does that mean I can't be part of the DD community?

I hope not.

No funishment for me

I like the term "funishment."

This is a deragotory term some Doms and Masters in the blogging community use to refer to punishment that the sub actually finds sexy, fun, or pleasurable in some way.

Well, what can I say? Funishment is fun! I'd much rather have a sexy, erotic spanking than a not-sexy, not-erotic spanking. I don't like the spanking or the pain associated with spanking, but at least if I get something emotionally fulfilling (like subspace) or physically fulfilling (like sexual tension) out of the deal, I feel happier about the experience as a whole.

So several weeks ago I did something bad. I honestly can't even remember what it was--- I normally have a really good memory, so blame my pregnant brain. I think it was something to do with church; I remembered the head covering but didn't say anything or go get it to prove that he had, indeed, forgotten again, or something like that. We've been going around and around about that headcovering thing lately, actually. Once or twice I remembered and told him; he then claimed he would have remembered (HA!) and I sulked the rest of church... a few times I remembered and purposefuly did not mention it to prove that he would not remember it without being reminded (he didn't), once he had to threaten to make a big scene in church before I would put it on, and once we had a fight before church and I refused to speak or participate or sing for the first half hour of the service (mature, I know). So it was probably one of those times.

I don't even know why I make such a big deal about the headcovering thing. It doesn't even bother me, and I want to be more biblical in my life. I think it's more because this is an area I test him in, because I think he will forget and/or not enforce it if I don't take the lead on it, and I hate taking the lead on things.

But I digress.

Part of me (okay, most of me) was hoping he would do something sexy for my punishment, which he had done a lot of in the last few months. Not only does that make me feel actually more remorseful (it's easier to feel sad for hurting someone when you're feeling attracted to them and not spitting mad at them!) but it makes me feel more submissive and that lasts for several hours or days afterward. It's a really nice feeling.

And he came up with the most boring, un-sexy punishment EVER!!! I was horrified.

One, I have to wear the headcovering with my mother at church.

I was HORRIFIED. I am terrified my mother will find out about our male-led relationship and judge me for it. I've written before about how my mother the uber-feminist haunts my dreams as I question who I am in this submissive lifestyle. Although my mom lives in the same town as we do, we often go to church at different times, and in the past he had graciously allowed me to not wear the headcovering when she was with us because he knew it made me feel anxious and I worried nonstop about what she would think and what I would say if she asked why I was doing it. But now he wanted me to wear it once with her there, just to teach me a lesson!

Two, I have to volunteer to sing at church.

Ugh. I sing at church, and I'm a good singer, but I do not like to get up there in front of all those people and sing. I prefer to sit quietly with my family in the pews. I generally only consent to sing when one of the normal cantors is sick or gone and they ask me to as a favor. So he thought it would be good for me to volunteer my talents as a lesson.

Ugh, ugh, double ugh! Two things I hate: wearing that conspicuous headcovering in front of my mother, and singing in public!!!!! I whined a lot. Why couldn't he just torture my nipples or something sexy????

Nope, he said. He wasn't going to do some fun punishment for me to get off on the idea of it. This was real.

I sulked for a couple of weeks. He totally forgot about the punishment. (ha!)

I mentioned it once to see if I still had to. Yes, he said.

I was quiet as a mouse on the subject for a few more weeks.

Last Sunday, as we headed to church, I got a text from my mom. "R u coming?"

"I guess she's there today," I said. I texted her back and said we were on our way. My Dom said quietly, "I guess this is a good time to wear that headcovering then."

I looked at him in horror, and I asked several times if he would please let me off the hook since it was so long ago and neither of us remember exactly what I did, but he said no and I didn't really push it. I wore the scarf. My mother had to have noticed, but she did not mention it or ask me about it. She acted like she didn't see it. Maybe she chalks it up to us being "crazy conservatives" or something like that, who knows?

I'm still balking on volunteering to sing. But I know he's probably going to make me do it soon. Because he mentioned it again this week.

Sigh.

"Funishment" was so much more fun.

The Good that Came from my D/s

At first, my Dom and I were doing D/s because we liked it.

Mostly, because I liked the sound of the lifestyle and wanted something similar to what I read about. I was afraid of it and drawn to it at the same time. But in the end, we did it "just because." Because we wanted to. Because we liked it. Because it was one way we could fulfill Ephesians 5. Because he wanted a male-led relationship and I wanted to be conquered.

But this month, it has been proved to me that maybe we needed D/s. When a crisis happened, we already had the framework in place for him to lead me and for me to follow.

What crisis?

I've mentioned before that I've struggled with anxiety and depression in my past. Generally, these days it's managable and I know the symptoms and coping mechanisms. I also know where to go for help and what medications work for me and the many, many medications I've tried that do not work for me.

But earlier this month, I had a really bad time. My anxiety disorder reared its head without warning and made my life--and our lives--miserable.

I started having debilitating panic attacks. When I slept, it was filled with nightmares so terrible I'd wake up shivering and shaking for the next 2 hours. The nightmares got so horrible that I started being afraid to fall asleep. I started keeping myself awake. I got sleep deprived. This made me more emotional and less able to be rational about the anxiety I was having. I stopped eating. Food tasted like sawdust. I forced myself to eat, bite by painful bite, because I needed the nutrition for the baby, but I could barely make myself eat a few bites. I got so afraid of the panic attacks and nightmares I was having at night, that simply seeing the daylight turn to afternoon and then dusk made me start having panic attacks. At night, I stayed awake with the lights on and tv blaring to try to trick my brain into thinking "it's not night" and to get an hour of sleep. Still, I was only getting 1-2 hours a night. I got so sleep deprived that I got incoherent. I couldn't remember which medications I'd taken. I couldn't remember which name of a medication meant what. I can remember staring at a handful of 8 pills, not sure which ones were which, not sure if I'd taken any yet or if these were even the right ones, and asking my mother, "Are these the right pills?!!?" For a few days, I took pills only when given to me by someone else to make sure I wasn't accidentally overdosing myself. My parents, who are divorced and don't particularly like each other, both stayed over at our house for 2-3 nights. They sat in bed with me and my husband, all three of them watching helplessly and trying to console me, as I shook uncontrollably and rambled on about all the terrible things that I was terrified would happen. I had a feeling of dread racing through my body so badly that my feet cramped up and I felt sick to my stomach. My parents and husband took 3-hour shifts all night to stay up with me and hold my hand while I shook in terror or tried to sleep only to fight it off again. My husband forced me to take an Ambien and held me down in the bed while I tried to get up in my terror, until finally the drug took effect and I fell into a medication-induced sleep. My terror and panic would go away for a few hours during the afternoon, only to come back at night so badly that all I could do was pray aloud in snatches.

In other words, it was very, very bad.

When I was unable to function for a few days, D/s was not kinky or sexy or fun. It was simply the way things were. My Dom made decisions for me because I could not make them for myself. I was too scared to make decisions. I leaned on him to make every decision for me and for us, big or small. What did I want to eat? I didn't know. I didn't want anything. I would look to my Dom and he would tell the person what to bring me to eat. Should I take a pill and get some sleep? Every bone in my body screamed "No!", but it was my Dom who fed it to me anyway, me crying and begging him not to, and then pushed me down onto the bed until I finally, finally fell asleep. Are you guys staying for dinner? I felt guilty and like I should, but I didn't want to. It was my Dom who said No, I am taking her home and she's going to rest. It offended some family members who were visiting, but he did it anyway.

Should I make an appointment with a counselor? Was the baby going to die in her sleep? Am I going crazy? What should I wear? Big and small, he answered these questions for me when I was simply too stressed and exhausted to answer them myself. I didn't have the energy to deal with making decisions.

If we hadn't worked hard at implementing D/s for years before this, I couldn't have trusted him to make those decisions for me. It would have made a terrible week that much more terrible. But I've had practice giving in to him and leaning on him. I was able to let him make decisions for us in that time. I honestly believe it is (one reason at least) why God led us to D/s in the first place.

Finally, with prayer and time, I managed to get some sleep. Panic subsided into mere anxiety. I'm still anxious. I'm talking to my doctor about it, and planning to start counseling, to help me deal with it productively. Most days I feel fine. When I do feel anxious, I can handle it now. I'm going to be okay.

But I'm thankful we had D/s. So that when something bad happened, the framework was already in place for him to step up and lead our family.

Regaining Trust

A theme I read a lot on BDSM blogs is about regaining trust. Often, the slave has done something that has lost her (or his!) Master's trust, but I hear about the other way around, too. Sometimes the relationship will end, or keep going without the BDSM element, which is heartbreaking to both people. Sometimes the slave is in danger of losing her collar.

I think the reason breaking trust is such a big deal is trust is so crucial to this lifestyle. It has to be "safe, sane, and consensual." There has to be trust. Research shows BDSM can lead to heightened feelings of intimacy, so emotions and deep vulnerabilities come to the surface. It can be heartbreaking and devastating to have those hurt or damaged. In worst-case scenarios, people's health and lives may be at stake, especially with edge play like breath control.

But the truth is, real Doms and subs are human. We are going to fail. We are going to hurt each other.

When my Dom and I started our long, arduous journey into TTWD (thanks to the internet I discovered it had a name and a whole community attached!), I had visions of fairies and sugarplums dancing in my head. Not really, but I might as well have. I envisioned that, with a lot of work and mistakes of course, we would eventually reach a place where we existed in perfect tune with each other. He would always dominate me exactly the way I wanted him to, and I would live in subspace all the time. He would notice tiny transgressions immediately and punish me severely, and I would always return to him. He would train me into a submissive, respectful version of myself, and I would get his coffee in the mornings and give him oral sex whenever he wanted it. Of course, I would always like said oral sex and he would feel emotionally satisfied. In public, a mere look or raise of the eyebrow would send me into a meek and docile headspace. No one would know, but he would rule me completely.

Of course, the reality is far from that. Like many women, I struggle with submission. Sometimes I really want to. Others I don't! I feel stubborn or angry. I resent that it's "not fair." I plant my feet, grit my teeth, my eyes flash, and I dig my feet into the ground.

Sometimes, of course, he can't notice all my transgressions because he doesn't live in my head. Because what I hadn't considered as a newbie sub, you see, is that some of my transgressions are mental. Maybe I have a bad attitude. Maybe I'm sulking, so subtly and sneakily that he doesn't notice. Maybe I do what he says outwardly but I'm resentful and steaming inside because he didn't dominate me earlier in the day when I thought I needed it. Maybe I think I'm testing him and being bratty, but he thinks I'm being playful and teasing. He likes it when we tease and play, so without knowing the motive, he doesn't know to punish me.

Sometimes my Dom isn't perfect. Sometimes he gets tired of ordering people around at work and just feels too tired to come home and order someone around at home. Sometimes he forgets what he's told me to do, so he can't check up on me and make sure I've done it later.

In all these cases, for a myriad of reasons and a variety of times, trust is broken. I break his. He breaks mine.

We are not perfect creatures, after all.

Luckily, there is this thing called forgiveness. Regaining of trust. Rebuilding. It can be hard and it can be slow. For me, it is often very painful (I'm not naturally a person whose feelings bounce back after being hurt). Sometimes I think forgiveness is impossible. I want to give up. Sometimes I try.

Recently, I suggested we "take a break" from D/s for a while. "Not from our marriage!" I insisted. "Just from BDSM." (In my head, I was thinking, "'Take a break?' What are we, in high school?" But maybe he would fall for it...)

There was a brief pause.

"No."

Insert pout here. "Why?" I whined.

"Because we'll lose all the ground we've made."

Hmph. He was right. So, no break for us. That's okay. In my head, I could see that losing all the ground we've worked for would be bad. We'd have to spend weeks and months re-covering the same ground we'd worked so hard to gain.

If you are new to a BDSM relationship, it can be easy to fall into the mistake I made: envisioning years of perfect relationship bliss, an endless dance of dominance and submission where all your needs and wants get met. (For a humorous look at this, read A Look at Reality vs. Dreams.) Luckily, I'm with a man who doesn't give up easily, in a relationship I can't get out of (*cough* marriage *cough*). And I'm tenacious. So we have worked out, over the months and years, that sometimes D/s is hard and sometimes it is wonderfully, blissfully easy. Why do we do it? Because we think it is worth the work to reap the benefits to our relationship in terms of intimacy, emotional fulfillment, and our sex life.

Physical wounds heal quickly. Emotional ones are slower and more painful. Yet trust can always be regained.

Improvements

If I had to describe the growth of our D/s relationship over time, this is what it would look like: Oh, it's definitely improving. But it is a process of ups and downs, hashing and re-hashing the same issues (consistency, submission, power struggles, goals), of happiness followed by fights and tears followed by happiness. We are definitely in a two-steps-forward, one-step-back pattern (which is much better than the traditional one-forward, two-back pattern).

When we discovered D/s I pretty much thought our relationship would look like this:

or, if I were being more realistic, maybe on our bad days, more like this:

but that hasn't really happened. And that's okay. Because marriage is hard work and we come to it with ideals of perfection but we quickly realize that life won't always work that way but we can still work hard and have a happy, fulfilling life.

Marriage psychology states that "healthy fighting" becomes "unhealthy fighting" when you get into a rut. In other words, when no resolution can be found. When you fight again and again about the same things, that's a sure signal that your last fight didn't actually have the resolution you thought it did. For us, I noticed we were fighting repeatedly, at intervals of every few weeks, about me not taking enough responsibility and him not being strict enough.

In that situation, there are only three solutions as I see it:

1. you can keep fighting and re-fighting about the same things forever


2. you can give up D/s altogether and become vanilla


3. you can change something to find a real solution, because obviously what you're doing isn't working.

So I cried a bit and got discouraged and talked about giving up D/s, but in the end I decided that #3 was definitely the best solution, because you see, I am not a "throw-in-the-towel" type of girl. And obviously what we'd been trying was not working, so that left me with the question, "What am I going to change?"

Because eventually I had to realize that he cannot be the only one to change. And my Dom had to realize that I could not be the only one to change. It's easy to say, "If only he would...!" or "If only she would...!" but that obviously wasn't working because neither of us were.

So we both had to be willing to give up our idea of "Perfect D/s" where our woes were completely the other person's fault, and try to compromise.

Sigh.

(Oh, by the way, I hate to compromise when I think I am right.)

...

(But who doesn't?)

So I said yes, I could be more submissive. And after a long talk, he showed me for the first time that when I was not submissive and forced him to make me submit all the time, he felt like we weren't on the same team. I had never known that. So I am trying to show him verbally and through my actions that I am on his team.

And he said yes, he could be stricter and less lenient. What he thought was grace and forgiveness I saw as weakness and inconsistency. So he could be more harsh and strict with me if that's what I wanted.

I'm not saying our relationship is now going to look like this:

although that would be nice. Because I'm sure it will actually continue looking a lot more like this:

but that's okay. Because that is a pattern of forward growth and just like we will never have the perfect marriage and I will never be the perfect Christian, we will never have a perfect D/s relationship. There is always room to grow and improve, but the important thing is that you keep doing that.

And there have been definite improvements.

Today, he said he wanted to talk. He asked me, "What are you going to do to be more submissive? And what can I do to be more dominant?"

Usually, I have to bring up our D/s conversations, but this one, he initiated. He was taking an active role in making our relationship better, and I appreciated that. Also, it made me really think, What am I going to do to be more submissive? (I am still chewing that one over for right now... more on that when I figure it out.)

Today, we started to have a fight about whether he should help my dad paint his house or go shopping with me. But it never really turned into a fight. Because once it became clear we wanted two different things (guess which one I wanted? haha), he just stopped the conversation and said, "Ok, I'm making a decision. I'm going to go help your father, and I will go shopping with you later. I understand what you want and I'm sorry we don't agree, but this is the right thing to do and it's my decision." And so there was no fight. And I accepted his decision and pouted a bit but did not sulk, and we hugged and he went outside to work and told me to come write a blog and relax and enjoy myself. So I have.

That was also an improvement.

And yesterday, I came up to him and felt needy and needed a hug. And I asked him if this was real and would it last. And he held me close and said, "Admit to me that sometimes you can't control yourself and you need me to help you do it."

Well, I felt a little piqued. I pouted and didn't want to admit such a thing. I countered (brilliantly, I thought!) with, "Well, don't you lose your temper, too? No one controls themselves all the time!"

And he smiled and said, "That's not what I asked you. I think I asked you first."

So instead of being stubborn, I sighed and said in a very small voice, "Yes."

And he wrapped his arms around me and said confidently, "Good. Then I will help you do it. And yes, sometimes I lose my temper, too, and I'm sorry for it." And I went away feeling understood and happy.

So that was also an improvement.

And today, he told me to go inside and relax. I said I needed to get some work done. He said I had plenty of time to work later, and I'm always complaining I never get to read my blog list or just read a book, and to go do something fun. I remembered that I'd promised to fight him less and be more submissive, so I just decided to obey him and feel grateful that he was looking out for me and wanted me to relax, instead of getting miffed that he was controlling me. So I scowled at him and went inside and did what he said. And when he came in to check on me, I had a good attitude about it.

So there was another improvement.

Two steps forward, one step back.

Two steps forward.

Dynamic Needs in D/s

My husband and I were having another one of our ever-occuring talks about our needs.

These talks are important to me because as time goes by, I get a more defined idea of what my needs are. What do they look like? What do I want? What are my desires? They change slowly, but they do change, so these talks are important for us to remain on the same page and keep our lines of communication open.

We discussed how he's been more commanding and bossy lately. He likes it because he enjoys being in charge and not having to argue with me over every tiny detail. I like it. (pause.) Most of the time. He says I'm starting to follow commands more without even noticing it, skipping the "rebellious phase" without even noticing.

My Dom's leadership style is more of a persuasive, chip-away-at-it. It's not what I naturally prefer. It kind of exhausts me. I'd much prefer him to give me a direct command, and if I have a problem with it, I'll say, "No!" and we can just fight it out right there. That way everything is out on the table, we deal with conflict openly, and there is a clear winner and a clear loser.

For him, this is just needless conflict. Why fight with me when he can just wait patiently and probably either wait my stubborness out or persuade me to see things his way?

I get where he's coming from, but it exhausts me. When I finally give in, I'm never sure if it's because he persuaded me or I just decided to give up and give in. Usually I'm not even aware of whatever he's been doing and I assume he has just been ignoring my disobedience and letting bad behavior slide. Eventually I just give up trying to get a reaction out of him and do whatever it was, feeling exhausted and a little resentful. When I do give in, I feel it's more me being the bigger person and less him being the Dom.

We talked about it in the car. He said his leadership style is simply more persuasive and patient than in-your-face. I said it's hard for me to know if he's ignoring bad behavior because he's passive or because he's just waiting me out. Of course, I tend to assume the worse of the two situations, and then I start thinking along the lines of, He's not dominating me! He's not even noticing me! It's not domination if it only occurs when I feel like submitting!

It's not that I like conflict. But I'd rather deal with it quickly and have a big fight that is over in 30 minutes and has a clearly defined winner and loser, than engage in a long, drawn-out battle of the wills when I'm not even sure he's noticed that I'm disobeying in the first place.

Back to our talk on "needs."

"You like to get your way," I said. "Your need is for me to do what you want."

"Right."

"I like to be made to do something," I said. "I want to know that you have power over me and are stronger than me. My need is to be forced."

"So you're saying you like conflict?" he asked. "You want the drama?"

"No!" I said, starting to feel defensive. "I don't like fighting and I don't always want the drama. But I can't even tell when you're engaged in D/s or not. They feel the same to me. You want me to do what you say. I want to be made. Why can't we have it both ways? You make me, you win, and I do it. We both get what we want."

Now, I don't think this would work all the time. If he had to force me to do his will every time, it would get exhausting for him and be very time-consuming for both of us. It'd be a waste of energy and we'd spend a lot of time fighting. While I think some fighting is good for relationships, too much can get the relationship bogged down with negativity. Also, I know that sometimes I just have to submit. This isn't a one-sided relationship; he has to be dominating sometimes and I have to submit sometimes. One of us can't do all the work.

But I think I'd like a little more active domination. This is what I was trying to explain to him.

"If I do this, is this you topping from the bottom?" he finally asked me. "Because it sounds like the kind of thing that you would worry about later."

I thought that one through for a minute. Finally, I said, "No. I'm not telling you to do it this way. I'm telling you that I think this is a need for me. I'm asking you to do it sometimes. I'm not saying you have to do it all the time."

"Ok," he said. "I'll work on using a leadership style that is easier for you to recognize and work with. Not because you told me to, but because I love you and I want you to be happy. Do you understand?"

"Yes," I said. "I understand."

So I'm trying to be more aware of his natural leadership style. That sometimes, when I think he is letting things slide or being too lenient or not engaging, he is really just waiting me out. I'm also learning to not have to fight him on every single thing he tells me to do. If he tells me to walk around the block twice and not just once, I may pout for about 30 seconds, but even I can see the wisdom in this, so I just shrug and say, "Okay" and I do it. And he is learning that when I test him with disobedience or passive resistance, he needs to point it out to me so I know that he knows it's going on. He's not just ignoring it; he's being patient and using his natural leadership style.

We are always learning. Our needs are always changing. And so we are always communicating.

The Last Defenses Are Being Taken Down

My Dom has been taking a lot more power from me lately.

Not just new rules. New training. More commands. More micro-management. More follow-through. Harsher punishments. The commands he does gives are less general, more specific, and therefore more difficult.

Apparently, he has tired of listening to me complain that he wasn't following through and he has actually listened to my complaints and done something about them (darn him!). As he told me, "I realized you blame me for a lot of what goes wrong in our relationship. If I'm going to have the responsibility, then I want the power."

I can still hear me sputtering, "B-- b-- but--!"

Oh, it's what I said I wanted, all right. But it's scary to get it.

In the last few days, he has been more demanding of me. He has taken away my glasses when I wouldn't ask for them and say please and refused to let me get Kleenex when I was flouncing toward them, all attitude and hair-flip and mouth. Sound nit-picky? That's what I said. But he didn't give in.

He has assigned me a 600-word essay on the importance of honesty in our relationship when he caught me refusing to ask for something I needed. (I was practically humming about that one... it was way better than a spanking and actually made me think hard about what kind of person lies to her husband and if I want to be that person.) He has limited the amount of time I can spend working and stressing myself out and added to my punishment when I went over. He has refused to let me flounce away or flee to the bedroom during fights. He has been patient with my mood swings and attitude adjustments and patiently asked for forgiveness when he hurt my feelings or spoke too harshly. He has asked every day if I was doing my devotional and made sure to clarify what things I am to get done when he leaves for work. Basically, he's been very consistent and clear, forgiving when I had an attitude, and insisted on getting his way.

This has been going on for a couple of days in our household. If you were a fly on the wall, here are just some of the things you'd have heard come flying out of my mouth since then:

"You can't!"

"I'm a grown woman!"

"It's my job!"

"It's my body!"

"Don't you think this is a bit nit-picky?"

"You are being a controlling jerk! This is abusive!" (His response? "You are welcome to use your safeword at any time.")

"What next? Are you going to tell me what I can and can't wear and can't eat? Am I going to have to ask to go to the bathroom?"

And in my calmer, more logical moments, "But you said you didn't want to micro-manage me. This is definitely micro-management."

Pleading, foot-stamping, flouncing, testing, wheedling, using logic, even using the Bible... not a bit of it has gotten me any traction. But oh, how freedom struggles when she is shown the door.

You'd think I'd be overjoyed at getting what I wanted, but mostly I've responded the way I respond to any change in our relationship: with anxiety. Is this going to last? Does this mean the same thing to him it does to me? Does this make me a slave? Is he going to get busy or sidetracked or forget? Is he going to disappoint me? Did I really want this in the first place? Can I really let go of all this control? Who will I be if there are no areas left in my own control?

But even I have noticed the changes in my behavior.

"You're fighting me more," he told me today. "But you're also needier. You care more about my approval. You want it. That's a good thing."

I catch myself calling him to (*grimace of self-disgust*) ask his permission about things I wouldn't have a few days ago. I catch myself telling on myself when I haven't followed his instructions instead of just keeping my mouth shut like a smart woman.

But even more telling, I see myself doing what he tells me. I wrote that 600-word essay, except by the time I wrote it, it had been increased to 700 for another minor infraction. I did that devotional, even with my eyes half-closed with sleep. I said please and thank you more. I addressed him with a meeker tone that didn't sound much like the old me.

When we started to fight, I told him why I was angry instead of closing off and refusing to talk. When I started to gather my things and flee, a stern, "Don't leave," made me put them right back down and sit there and talk it out. What could have become hours of me sulking in bed with the lights off and doors locked was reduced to mere minutes of dealing with the problem together.

I even went to him, the cause of so much angst and worry and fighting-for-my-freedom, and crawled into his lap and cried and got cuddled and held. He kissed my forehead and smoothed my hair and told me he loved me. I cried about how scary this was and I didn't like it and why did he have to want so much control? He listened and kissed my hair and held me. He explained why he thinks this will be better for me. He understands my fears and says we will talk about them in a few weeks if they haven't gone away. He says, however, that I cannot opt out of this if my objections are coming from a place of fear instead of a place of true nonconsent.

So right now, I am left feeling scared... desired... a little resentful... confused... worried... and a little bit hopeful.

Selfish Subs?

Dannah Bridger is a D/s blogger. In her blog Subtypical, she writes about how hard it can be to be a Dominant. The title of her post is "If This is Dominance, I Know Why I'm a Sub."

And how true it is.

My husband and I were lucky because we have never had a D/s or DD relationship with anyone but each other. This means in the past few years we have been navigating this treacherous new road together for the very first time. We've had fights and arguments and tears (on my part), but those are all part of the growing process. If you want to see how hard the ups and downs of becoming a new submissive were for me, you just need to read my blog. Ups and downs, moments of great progress and moments of backsliding.

But it's been hard for my husband, too.

As P. B. Wilson says in her book, Liberated Through Submission, it's hard for a man to be the Head of a Household. It means he has to love me when I'm unlovely. He has to care for me when I am not caring for him. He has to be selfless and Christlike even when I'm being selfish or bratty.

Dannah Bridger had this heart-stopping quote in her post:

All the indignant submissives who insist that a good Dom should make them accountable, provide for them, keep them on track, advise them, push them, make them the best they can be…me, me, me, me, me…ad nauseam.

It stopped my heart because that is totally me. I worry a lot about what my Dom is doing wrong. He should be checking up on me, giving me rules, keeping me accountable, making me a better person, shaping me into a better wife and woman and Christian.

Yesterday, with a weary sigh, he looked at me and asked, "When is any of this your fault?"

A good question. When is it my fault for not giving him submission? For not being honest about my needs so he could make the best decision for us? For testing him? For protecting part of my heart? For witholding part of myself due to lack of trust?

Yes, I want to be conquered more than I want to submit.

But I can't always expect to be the passive sub and have him do all the work. Yes, he has a lot of responsibility that comes with his power. But I shouldn't be a selfish sub and just expect him to work all the time at conquering me without getting anything back.

I'm trying to become less selfish, more loving, and more giving. I'm trying to pack his lunches when he goes to work or ask him if he'd like anything to drink when I'm up. I'm starting to call him to ask how he wants me to spend money or if it's okay if I go over to my mother's house. I'm trying to be less whiny and upset when he has to take a work call or stay at work late. These are small things, but it's a start.

So far, I think he's liking it.

Dannah's post was a great reminder for all of us in power-exchange relationships to appreciate the work our husbands put into us and try to show them, with our words and our deeds and through our submission, that we appreciate it.

Trust Issues

Trust issues are a major barrier in any relationship, but in D/s they really make things come to a screeching halt. This is because BDSM is so rooted in trust, open communication, and consent. The moment those things disappear, it starts to become abuse.

If you look back at my recent posts, I've really been pondering and researching the subject of submission. How can I be more submissive? What does my pattern of submission look like? How can my Dom make me submit? How can he help me submit easier? What are barriers to submission? Can I be a feminist and a submissive?

Obviously, I was wrestling with this issue. But a post by Neo Dom Tom and a subsequent comment by William, author of Training of My Lovely Slut, made me wonder if the answer could be as simple as trust issues.

Am I struggling with submission in some areas because I don't trust my Dom?

Of course I trust him. He is the most trustworthy man I know. But maybe I don't trust... men? myself? being vulnerable? letting go of control?

It makes sense. Like I said, lack of trust brings domination and submission to a screeching halt. They're simply not possible without total, complete trust.

Perhaps some subs and slaves can't let go of control because they were hurt in the past. I suddenly wondered if that was what was happening to me. Could this explain why I can give submission in most areas but not in all? Why I long for D/s but panic and fight it when my Dom tries to advance his control in one more small area that he didn't have it before? "You can't!" I'll cry. "It isn't fair! I should be able to decide [insert topic here]." I'm full of reasons he shouldn't need or want control in this area. After all, it's so tiny and insignificant!

Never one to throw out a theory until I've considered it, I pondered the issue. If I were having trust issues, what would they be? Why would they have developed? Here are some of the things I have come up with.

• I was raised by an emotionally abusive and enmeshed mother. While I was mostly cherished and loved, I learned that love and affection can be taken away at the drop of a hat and replaced by physical and emotional abuse. Sometimes this was due to something I did and sometimes it wasn't. This made me try to control everything around me, including myself, and to develop panic-like anxiety if I wasn't in control. I also learned not to trust happiness because it wouldn't last. I have an anxious personality and I don't feel comfortable when my life is going well and I'm happy because, as one very wise psychologist put it, I'm "always waiting for the other shoe to drop."


• When my parents got divorced, I was pretty devastated. I learned the terrible lesson that you can never trust anything, because even 20-year marriages can fall apart. As such, I tend to look at relationships not as, "He's been trustworthy so far; I can relax now" but "I can never relax because even if he's been great for 5 years who knows what will happen in 25!"


• After said divorce, I became very, very cautious about relationships. I made sure to date boys who were way more into me than I was them--so I had the control. However, I was in one relationship with a boy who stuck around for 3 years. Slowly over that time, I started opening up to him, but I balked at losing control and falling in love because I didn't trust it. I kept my emotions in control. I stayed cautious. However, he finally convinced me to let go and trust him and commit myself fully. Since he'd been there for three whole years, fighting through all my walls, sticking around through all my tests, I finally started to believe that maybe this guy was the real deal and I could trust him. About that time, he got bored with me and started seeing another girl. He left me and I was devastated. It really solidified my belief that I should never let my walls down with anyone, even after years of proving himself.


• When I was older, I started dating a younger man who swore he was in love with me. The more I insisted on being mature, taking it slowly, and being cautious, the more he pursued me and swore up and down that he loved me. When I finally let down my guard with him and took a risk, he stopped talking to me, answering my calls, or calling.


• Later, I dated a nice, artistic boy who again declared his love for me. When I level-headedly pointed out that we hadn't been dating very long, he swore it didn't matter and he was in love anyway. I tentatively decided to go out on a limb and trust him and get my emotions and "love" involved. He immediately and without warning decided we should not date anymore, confessed I was right and he was wrong that it was too early for love, and said he just got carried away. Oops.

John and Stasi Eldredge have really hit home with their assertion that women are always worried about being too much. We are told by men and society that we are too needy, too clingy, too obsessive, too jealous, too something. We are too emotional. We should be cool and clear-headed like men. We should think with our heads and not with our hearts.

This really resonates with me because it is so true. I am always worried I will be too much. I will be too needy. Too clingy. Too annoying. I will be too emotional. I will be too draining. Too depressed. Too insecure. Too possessive. Too submissive. Too intense.

My Dom professes to like these things about me. I believe him. Yet, in some deep part of my heart, I keep part of it locked away. I keep the last tiny bit of control from him. Because the world, and society, and especially my experiences and past hurts, have taught me that nothing and no one can be trusted. People will entice you with happiness and then fail you, on accident if not intentionally. They will hurt you. They will promise you the moon and then take it away. They will swear they want all of you and then when you hesitantly open the door, they get overwhelmed and change their minds. They leave you. They hurt you.

In essence, they reject you.

And that is why control is so hard to give up, even after years of TTWD. Because some part of me wants to protect that last, tiny bit of myself. Some part of me feels safer if there are areas I can control. What I wear, how I dress, what I eat, where I work, how I talk, decisions I make, when we have sex. "It's my job! It's my body!" For each sub I'm sure these areas are different, but we all have them: areas where we want to be in control. Areas where we are afraid to let go.

In Defense of Codependency

I think codependency gets a bad rap these days.

Dauntless Vitality has written a great post about neediness in subs. He says most subs will get from a point of wanting submission and liking these new feelings, to needing it. This is true. Sometimes I need him to control or conquer me even when I don't want it. DV rightly points out that this can be scary for subs. It goes against who we always thought we were. It goes against what society and our families and friends probably value in us, namely, our individuality and sense of independence. It doesn't mean we can't be individual and spunky, but sometimes it's still scary.

Coming to terms with needing a strong man in our lives is scary. It sounds bad. It sounds needy and clingy. It sounds like that dreaded word, codependent.

"Codependent" is like a swear word in psychology circles these days. Counselors and psychologists love to throw that word around. Many will recommend self-help books like Codependent No More by Melody Beattie and Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. (I found both books terribly depressing and do not recommend them, by the way).

Codependency is a legitimate illness for many people in relationships with alcoholics, drug addicts, or emotional abusers. I am not devaluing their experiences. I think in those instances, counseling and treatment are great options.

But codependency has grown from a problem affecting a specific group of people to a pop psychology byword. Completely untrained friends and family with no background in psychology will pass judgment on you. You worry about what your husband thinks? If your wife is sad, you're sad too? You put your Dom's needs above your own? You don't give your wife complete autonomy and independence? You don't both spend a lot of time with other people? You must be (*dun dun dun*) CODEPENDENT!!! For shame!

Sigh.

Robert Burney describes codependency like this:

Codependence is about giving power over our self-esteem to external conditions
and/or outer forces (including other people).

Ouch. I think most people in a D/s relationship would qualify as codependent, then.

Melody Beattie has a whole list of co-dependent symptoms that don't really apply to D/s, but here are some that do:

Do you feel responsible for other people--their feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being and destiny?

Do you feel compelled to help people solve their problems or by trying to take care of their feelings?

Do you feel safest and most comfortable when you are giving to others?

A lot of subs derive their meaning from their Dom--and vice-versa. You wouldn't be a very good Master or Dom if you didn't feel responsible for your sub, actually. Many people in D/s find their identity through their role (sub, HoH, Mistress, slave). Finding your identity in someone else is a big no-no in today's pop psychology world. We are supposed to be independent! Autonomous! We are not ever supposed to put others above ourselves!

Okay, I'm exaggerating. But this is the difference in working through legitimate codependency issues with a trained professional and reading a few pop-psychology books and considering yourself an expert. Not only is this popular new battle cry of "Independence in marriage!" not very Christlike, it's doesn't sound like a good marriage--even a vanilla one.

A counselor once told me I was codependent. I didn't know what that meant, but I dutifully bought and read Beattie's book, Codependent No More. For the record, I am not the child of an alcoholic or drug addict, and in fact was raised in a stable middle-class home. The book basically just made me feel guilty for being a people-pleaser and caring too much about what people think. It made it seem like I should be selfish and insist on my own independence, even in a healthy relationship. I think it had some wise pointers for me to avoid getting sucked into an abusive relationship, but now that I'm in a marriage with a loving, Christian man who cares about me deeply... the book just makes me feel needlessly guilty for finding my identity primarily through him/us and for giving control of my life to him.

And isn't that what TTWD is?

If you want to read more, check out William Harley, Jr.'s controversial article, How the Co-Dependency Movement is Ruining Marriages. It's taken a lot of heat on the internet with people defending the codependency movement (of course), but Harley's work stands alone as a scathing criticism of pop-psychology codependence.

Sense of Humor Required

Sometimes, my husband is able to give me so much grace in our relationship. Lately, even when I test and struggle, he always usually engages and wins. I'm starting to struggle against him less. We're starting to have more peace in our relationship. I respect him more and our sex life is better than I ever thought it would be.

Even so, D/s in real life isn't the same as D/s in fantasy. Grace and forgiveness are still needed.

Let's just say his sense of humor still comes in handy.

Today, we had a great, amazing, awesome scene. As he left for work, adoring wife hanging on his neck and even packing his lunch for him, he smiled and said goodbye. "Goodbye, my little tester," he chuckled. "I'll see you tomorrow."

I know myself well enough to know that after we've delved into new and deeper levels of submission, the next day I tend to test him more. It's not that I mean to, but it happens. Apparently, he knew, too.

"You know?" I asked, looking slightly ashamed.

He just smiled. "That's what makes this real," he said.

I pondered how true that was. D/s the way you read about it on the internet and in erotica makes it seem so easy and seamless. The sub walks around in perpetual subspace and the Dom always demands--and gets--perfect obedience. They just waltz from flogging to training to commands to orgasm, a kinky merry-go-round without end.

But in real life, things can look different. I'll get mouthy. I'll get depressed and anxious. He'll be tired or forget to punish a "test." I'll accuse him of being inconsistent. He'll accuse me of not submitting. We have to work at TTWD.

It's real-life, 24/7. It takes work. It takes mistakes.

Mistakes take grace and a sense of humor.

Today, he gave me a new rule. I'm to do devotional time, 10 minutes a day, 5 days a week. On the weekends, I'm to write a devotional journal.

I like this rule. This is the routine I had when I was a new Christian, and it worked well for me. I tend to get flighty and not pay attention in church, but I flourish with routines and written communication and taking notes.

I like the basic rule, but I don't like the loss of freedom implied in a "rule."

"Is this a rule?" I asked.

"Yes."

"Can it not be a rule? I used to do it on my own," I reasoned.

"It has to be a rule. If it's not a rule, you won't do it and I won't be able to discipline you for it."

Fine. Maybe this could be a "rule" in name only with nothing to back it up. I checked to see. "Will you punish me if I don't do it?" I asked.

"Yes."

I started to pout. My lower lip actually protruded. "Whyyyy?" I whined.

He grinned. "So I can give you something to whine about," he chuckled.

As he intended, this stopped me mid-whine. I started to laugh. He was right. My whining was not going to change anything and it would probably just get old for both of us. Luckily, my man knew how to use humor to diffuse the situation.

Suddenly, I didn't want to whine or complain. I felt cared about and protected. Dominated. Safe. I wanted to kiss him. I wanted sex! (This never happened before we started full-time D/s.) This man next to me suddenly seemed very sexy and powerful. He was looking out for me. He was giving me boundaries. Gulp.

I rely on his strength. On his consistency. On his domination and security. But I also rely on his grace. On his forgiveness. On his sense of humor. On his ability to see past the serious and find the laughter.

That is why we make a good team.

The One Twue Way

In [insert your community here: BDSM, D/s, DD, CDD, Taken in Hand, M/s, etc.], in all these very interrelated communities, there is always someone who feels like they are not following "The One Twue Way."

No, that's not a typo. The twue way is just like a twue sub or a twue dom. There is no one right way to do it. There is no way you must be.

The online blogger communities are great for me because I can get so many great ideas. I can see how these relationships work in real life. I can see what works for me and what doesn't. I always try to share really good quotes or posts with my Dom, so he can share in this community, too.

In my online meanderings, I've found slaves with very detailed lists of rules and slaves with no real rules. I've met subs who love to submit and please, and subs who have to be forced into it and conquered. I've read posts by DD or CDD women who had to beg their husbands to discipline them and women who still beg their husbands not to.

Love it or hate it, if TTWD (This Thing We Do) is also TTYD (This Thing You Do), you fit in here.

It doesn't matter if you have rules or not. If your husband spanks you or not. If you have rituals or not. If you are good at submitting or not. If you call your husband a Master, Sir, Dom, or Head of Household, or none of the above.

This community has enough room for everyone.

The sad thing, I think, is when reading others' blogs and participating in online communities (like Fetlife and Taken in Hand) makes us feel alienated and alone, instead of encouraged and inspired. I've felt that way. Other bloggers (I'm specifically thinking of Libby, Kaya, and Stormy, but there are more) have also recently written about it. I think at some point, many of us feel like maybe we don't fit in here. Yet the point is to learn from others--their mistakes and successes, but mostly just their stories.

Each one of us is in a relationship that is completely and utterly unique. I believe God planned a specific person for each one of us. As Genesis 2:18 says:

God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."

The word for "man" here is the Hebrew word hadam or adam, and it means man, mankind, or human. The word applied to the woman is ezer, meaning a help or helper, someone who gives aid. For this specific man, God created a specific helper who would fit him-- in other words, they complemented each other. Eve probably wouldn't have fit so well with any other man, because God hadn't created her to be a lifemate to anyone else. These two went specifically together.

There are a lot more of us on the earth now, but the basic principle remains the same. Each couple is made uniquely to suit. I can see how God knew, even better than my husband or I did, how we were going to complement each other and fit each other's needs. Sure, in the past I had dated other, very nice, boys, but I prayed hard about who I should end up with and so I trust that I was led to the right one for me.

So of course it seems obvious that what works for my Dom and me is not what's going to work for many other D/s couples. Our communities should be here to encourage and support one another--to give us the edification that yes, there are other people out there like us, other people struggling along similar journeys and having similar experiences and making similar mistakes. We have a lot to learn from one another.

But there is no "right" or "wrong" way to build your relationship. If you are communicating with each other, praying about it, and staying safe, sane, and consensual, you shouldn't ever feel like you are a misfit or don't belong. There is no "One Twue Way."

Unless my Dom asks. And then, you should tell him it's my way.

Just kidding.

Being A Feminist's Daughter

Sometimes, in the middle of a scene, I'll lose subspace and come jolting back to reality.

This happened yesterday.

I hate it when that happens. I love subspace. I love the feeling of calm relaxation. I love feeling so close to my Dom. I enjoy feeling his strength and power and masculinity.

But then, suddenly, I am afraid of those feelings.

I've talked in a previous post about how I feel submission and feminism can go hand-in-hand. But that doesn't mean it's always easy for me.

I used to be afraid of giving oral sex. But thanks to a very loving, patient husband, I am slowly learning to give head on my own terms. I am learning to enjoy it and see it as a symbol of submission. I can now kiss and adore this masculine part of him and feel grateful that he's letting me.

As I descended into subspace yesterday, I got more enthusiastic. I lost my inhibitions.

And then, I got embarrassed. I am still my mother's daughter, after all. What would she think if she knew I submitted to my husband? I could feel the judgment. Not from my mother. But from myself.

I paused from what I was doing. Shook my head to clear it. I squeezed my eyes shut tight and got a tiny frown. My forehead wrinkled up.

"What am I doing? I'm losing control. I must look ridiculous." Enter self-loathing.

My nice, dreamy subspace fled.

Of course, within a few minutes, he noticed.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

I sighed and laid my head against his thigh. "I lost it," I whined.

His hands reached for me. "It's okay, baby," he soothed. "We can get it back."

He knows that I struggle with this. That sometimes, I judge myself for what I think society and my family might think. That I struggle with letting go of total control.

Gently, firmly, with strong hands, he leads me back.

He takes the decision for me and decides this is what's best for us. He pushes me back into subspace, knowing that there I feel safer and happier and I can lean on him for support.

Sometimes he does it with punishment. Sometimes with a look. Sometimes with pain. Sometimes with pleasure. He is learning to play my mind and body like an instrument. He is getting better.

Someday, we will be experts at each other.

My mother is not in my marriage. She has no place in our bedroom.

Neither do my fears and insecurities. Slowly, he is showing them the door.