Rape in Consensual Non-Consent Relationships

I've been thinking about the online article When Rape is a Gift over at the Taken in Hand website. This article is by The Boss, who has also written such gems as Si Vis Pacem, Para Bellum, The Missionary Position, and Happy Living in Fear of a Man, and The Subjection of Women. If you are interested in Taken in Hand and haven't read these articles, you really should. They are some of my favorites.

When Rape is a Gift is such a powerful title, don't you think? It evokes emotions almost immediately. Usually, they are negative. And rightly so. Rape the way we think of is--a man or woman being forced or coerced into an unwanted sexual encounter--is a terrible thing for the victim. Whether the rapist is a stranger, an acquaintance, or your spouse, rape is a tragic event.

But what about unwanted sexual encounters within a relationship that is already defined as consensual non-consent?

First, a few words about CNC. I've noticed some bloggers lately who seem to think CNC means the sub operates without any kind of limits or safeword whatsoever. I'm not sure where this idea came from, but let me be clear that in my CNC relationship, I have a safeword.

If a Dom in a CNC-relationship commands his sub to have sex with him and she obeys, even when she doesn't want to, is that rape? What about when a HoH says he expects his wife to "be sexually available" to him at all times? Isn't that similar to rape? Or the tricky one--when a Dom in a CNC tells his sub he wants sex, and she says no and fights or begs or pleads not to, but he takes it anyway, is that rape?

All of the above situations are similar to rape. They are not legal rape because all of those situations involve consent. Consent is either given at the time (implicitly through obedience) or it has been given earlier (engaging in a CNC relationship). But to take sex from a partner who is unwilling at that time is still, on some level, a rape.

My Dom is understandably uncomfortable with me using the word "rape." This is because he loves me and would never, ever hurt me. He has shown nothing but respect for my safeword when I have felt it necessary to use it.

But when he wants to have sex, and takes it from me even when I may be kicking and fighting or pleading with him not to, this is what I believe the author is referring to in When Rape is a Gift.

Sometimes I don't want to have sex. Sometimes--and this admission will make me unpopular in the BDSM world--I will deny my Dom sex and fight against him. Sometimes I'm too tired or angry. Most of the time, it's because I'm feeling distant and defensive and intimacy is the last thing I want with him right then.

This morning, he took it anyway.

I said no and struggled to get away. He pinned me down. I struggled. I panicked a bit. Eventually, I calmed down and gave in.

I wouldn't advise this for those new to D/s or BDSM. My Dom and I have just recently begun exploring this limit of mine after years of communication and shelving it as a "hard limit." We've talked a lot about it. A lot. And he monitored me carefully the whole time.

"You can use your safeword," he reminded me at the very beginning. (Often, he reminds me of this because if I get panicked enough, I forget I have it. He has now started reminding me at the start of scenes.)

Later, he asked me, "How are you feeling?"

I had no words. I couldn't talk. I wasn't in subspace, but I was acting similarly: words weren't coming to me, I wasn't very in touch with how I was feeling, I wasn't sure what my emotions were. I didn't have that same happy/submissive/floaty feeling, but I couldn't answer.

I just shook my head.

"I need you to talk to me right now," he said gently.

I shrugged. Paused. (Normally he can't get me to shut up, I swear.) "I don't know," I finally came up with (brilliant!).

"Stop. Think. I need you to tell me," he said.

I squinted my eyes and searched the ceiling for an answer. Pause pause pause. He waited patiently. "I'm... okay," I managed.

He told me he loved me. He talked to me, because he knows (after months and years of talking about it, mind you!) that I need that verbal connection to stay engaged.

"I own you," he told me. "Nobody else. I want to own all of you. I'll fight for you. I'll fight to get those pieces back you've been keeping from me." (Have I been keeping pieces? Not intentionally... but he's right.)

Afterward, I cuddled him. As usual, I was full of questions. What did he feel about what had just happened? Had he liked it? Was it good? Was that rape?

"It's not rape," he said, suddenly uncomfortable.

I tried to explain that I didn't mean rape in a bad way; I meant rape in an okay way. He shied away from using that term. Rape seemed to him something done by a bad guy to a victim. He loved me, he insisted (I knew that). He was using sex as a way for us to reconnect because it was best for me, even when I didn't like it (I understood that, too). He didn't like it when I would fight intimacy with him, withholding myself physically and emotionally, creating distance between us. He had overpowered me because he knew it was best for us and our relationship. He was doing his part to lead us, ensuring I didn't hijack our marriage by creating and maintaining distances that weren't supposed to be there.

All this was true. I could have used my safeword at any time if I had had a flashback to abuse or completely flipped out and needed to stop. He was using sex to bring us closer, not tear me down.

And he was right. I did feel closer. I can't claim I liked the sex--or being forced into it--but he broke down my walls. We cuddled afterward. I talked a lot more. I finally felt relaxed and safe, connected to my Dom, not sad and distant and anxious about every little thing. I started the morning with a happy smile on my face. It re-centered me.

In the short term, it may have looked like rape. But in the long term, I had already given my consent to a CNC relationship with this man I knew and trusted. We had worked long and hard and stumbled through many potholes and roadblocks to build the knowledge of each other that allowed him to push past my boundaries safely and sanely.

I didn't like it at the time. But he is the leader of our household and the ultimate decision was his.

Women and Erotic Rape Fantasies

A 2008 article from Psychology Today talks about the prevelance of erotic rape fantasies in today's women.

The article says that anywhere from 31% to as high as 57% of women have rape fantasies.

This doesn't surprise me at all, since I know of many women --and men, too!-- who really enjoy rape fantasies. Some women want to be raped, some want to rape a man or another woman, some like the idea of both. And not everyone wants to be "raped" in the same way, either. Some women want to be licked tenderly until they scream from forbidden pleasure, some want to be harshly fucked until they bleed, and some want to be wrestled down, tied up, and tortured.

Everyone's fantasy is different.

So why do so many women secretly dream about being raped? The article has several ideas, including:

• masochism: some women just like pain and suffering on some level


• women use "rape" to avoid sexual blame: if someone pushed you into it, you can't be considered a wanton slut. This relates back to our culture where women are not supposed to enjoy or seek out sex, and feel guilty if they do. This allows them to enjoy sex without the guilt.


• they want to feel desired: let's face it, if you are so smokin' hot that some man can't control himself, rips your panties off, and takes you passionately, that makes you feel desired and wanted as a woman.


• biology: if you want the Nature Channel, male lions don't sweet-talk the lionesses, and there isn't any foreplay. Male animals pounce upon, subdue, and rape the females. Maybe women with rape fantasies are having a throwback to our natural animal instincts from the wild.


• Fear = Excitement: This is the same theory that explains why people seek out thrilling adventures like bungee jumping, skydiving, and roller coasters. Fear and excitement are very similar emotions, so causing one can cause the other.


• Past trauma: while I know of many women who were raped or sexually abused and would never be turned on by a replay of that, there are women who reconcile past traumas by re-creating them in a safe, exciting present. For some women, rape play can be a way to transform past trauma into something easier to deal with.

Are rape fantasies healthy? That depends on the woman. Some women love and embrace these fantasies. They find rape play can add an exciting new element to their sex lives, and for these women, the fantasies are healthy. But some women are disturbed and distressed by their fantasies, and if that is the case, for that woman they probably aren't healthy. It's all in the eye of the experiencer.

Also, rape fantasies are not the same thing as real rape. Rape fantasies usually occur in the mind of the woman, so of course the man is a tall, muscular hunk with just the right amount of dominance and sadism. The things he does to her are exciting and forbidden (a doubly good combination!) and she experiences a tantalizing mixture of pleasure and pain. Yumm.

Of course, a real rape would look nothing like that. So just because women have rape fantasies doesn't mean all woman are asking for it. It means that with a loving, committed, understanding partner, her fantasies can bring a new, exciting dimension to their love life. Bring it on!

Good Idea for Rape Play

A lot of people really enjoy the idea of ravishment, being overpowered and taken roughly. Or maybe they want to be overpowered and then gradually find themselves getting wet/hard, enjoying it against their own will, and eventually orgasming, to their own great shame. Or perhaps they grab their partner, wrestle them down, pin their hands to the wall, and take them savagely.

No matter what your fantasy is, if it's along these lines, ravishment fantasies are probably something you'd enjoy! People call it rape play, ravishment fantasies, rape fantasies, a whole host of things. It basically means you like the idea of coercion, force, power play, struggle, mental and physical domination, and other yummy things incorporated into your sex life.

Of course, having these fantasies (having them done to you or doing them to your partner) doesn't mean you actually want to rape someone you love (or be raped). It means you like the idea, and pretending to have a scene where you "rape" your consenting partner will probably be hot for both of you!

Well, here's an idea that's easy to put into play:


The other day, my Dom woke me up from a happy 3-hour nap by tying me roughly to the bed and then having his way with me.

I was asleep, and he got up slowly and carefully, watching to make sure I didn't stir. I didn't. He crept into the other room and got out our bondage rope, some toys, and some vibrators. Then he took my hand and, without speaking to me, began to tie me to the bed posts.

I was groggy and it took me a while to react. "What are you doing?" I asked him sleepily. He did not respond, but simply went to the other side of the bed and kept tying me up. Both wrists were tied to the bedposts. Then my ankles were tied loosely to the bedposts at the foot of the bed. I began to slowly wake up, excited and afraid of what would come.

My Dom surprised me with a great scene! The tying up was followed by hitting and slapping, grinding on me til he came, rubbing the cum on me because he knows I hate to be sticky, and then whipping me with a slapper til I was writhing and moaning and begging him to stop. I kept turning away from the blows as much as the ropes would let me, which wasn't much, and letting out these awful wails as the slapper struck me again and again. I had welts afterward!

He was on a total power high, laughing at my protests and hitting harder. He slapped my face repeatedly, knowing this pushes my limits, called me dirty names, and made me beg for things. Grand finale was my fave rabbit vibe and a good orgasm!

WHEW! Our sex life has been on the rocks lately, I haven't been as interested in sex, but I have to say-----rape from being woken up was HOT. It made me feel more out of it, confused, and groggy.... took a while to figure out what was happening, and also I was hornier because my 'mind' hadn't kicked in yet!

Awesome idea for those would-be rapists who haven't tried it yet!

Abduction + Rape Play

If you want to be ready for a rape play + abduction scene (that is, any rape play that does not take place in your own home!), a good idea is to prepare beforehand. The more planning and preparation goes into this, the smoother your scene will go. You can even have a to-go kit for later. Some people believe having a "Rape Play To-Go Kit" ruins the spontaneity, but your partner never even has to know it's there... you can keep it hidden in the trunk of your car, for example.
Many people have fantasies about doing rape play with an abduction element. This is because a new background and props can make it seem more real. Being "raped" by my husband in the comfort of your own bedroom is perfectly fine for me (I like the mental aspects of rape), but many other subs and Doms who rely more heavily on the physical aspects of scene to get into their roles need the location, setting, props, and overall "feel" to be more realistic. If you feel that "playing rape" just feels hollow and fake in your own bedroom, try setting the mood somewhere else: a bar, an alley (it's illegal to have sex in public, so make it private!), a hotel room, your car, or a deserted park or forest can work wonders for making the scene feel more real!

To make rape play even more realistic, many people enjoy setting it all up with an "abduction scene." Doms can surprise their subs at work, out shopping, in a parking lot, at a bar or club, at a party, or even at home. Kidnap them (making sure worried bystanders don't see and accidentally call the police on you!), bind and gag them, and force them into a car. If they don't know when or how this is happening, it makes it feel all the more realistic for them---just make sure you get consent sometime before.

One idea is to surprise the sub and force them into a car. A (blunt) knife or just physical force can make this feel scary and real, even if they know it is you. Bind and gag them, throw them into the backseat and cover them with a blanket, and drive them to an undisclosed location. The stranger the surroundings are to your sub, the scarier and more realistic it will be, so try to find a place far from home or where the sub has never been and won't recognize her surroundings. (This may be the only time you want to try a seedy hotel!)

If you don't want your sub to know it's you, you can always wear a ski mask. You can even "rape" your sub in your own home this way--I've found that, when the smell and feel of my lover is off, I can't recognize him at all at first. Your sub is going to know the way you feel, smell, breathe, and speak. You can throw her off by changing these things. For instance, shower with a completely different soap and shampoo, wear clothes that are new or have been laundered in a different laundry soap, and wear gloves to mask the feel of your skin. Wear an aftershave, cologne, or mouthwash completely different from what you'd normally ever wear. Slouch and try to walk faster or heavier than you normally do. If your sub can't see you (e.g. if you come in through a window, walk up behind her, and grab her), it is going to take her a while to recognize you. Why? We subconsciously know our lovers by their height, build, touch, and smell. A high school boyfriend of mine once came up behind me and grabbed me in a tight hug. He was wearing his friend's cologne and mouthspray at the time, and I was terrified. It took me several seconds (until he spoke) to figure out who had grabbed me. Until that moment, I never realized how much we subconsciously rely on smell and the sound of voice to recognize people! If you change your smell and feel, and keep from talking or being seen, you can terrifying your sub into real submission for several moments. Of course, eventually you want her to realize it's you, so you don't scar her emotionally and so she can utilize her safeword if she needs to.

Another idea some people use to make abduction and rape seem more real is to pretend to use date-rape drugs. I say pretend, because actual date rape drugs are illegal and therefore not moderated by any governmental regulations and highly dangerous. (I'm serious--common effects of date rape drugs include permanent infertility, coma, dangerously heightened or lowered blood pressure, nausea, slowed heart rate, dizziness, inability to speak, seizure, heart failure, and death.) However, you can pretend to get this effect by using sugar water on a cloth (to mimic chloroform) to make your victim "pass out," using tic-tacs or other pill-shaped candies, or whatever the two of you decide to make it "pretending" but still hot. You could also waking her up from deep sleep to get that groggy, out-of-it feeling. I have heard of people using drugs--from NyQuil to muscle relaxers to Ecstasy to alcohol to prescription sleep-inducing drugs. I will say, though, that it is illegal to use legal drugs for this purpose and illegal to use illegal drugs, period. You could go to jail for rape because all these drugs take away a person's ability or desire to think clearly and say no. You could also be convicted of murder if something goes wrong and your sub dies, leaving you pleading with a judge that the drugs, rape, and murder were "consensual."

More practically, how can your sub use a safeword or tell you when something is really wrong if she is not fully conscious? Also, before you try anything, you must do research on side effects, allergies, etc. If you simply must try these methods, do your research, have both of you sign a consent form, and think. Have a phone and first-aid kit handy. Learn how to do CPR. Any drugs that inhibit circulation (like alcohol!) should never be used with bondage or uncomfortable positions. Find out if any substances will react with pre-existing conditions your sub has (low blood pressure, heart problems, diabetes, etc.) and how they will react with medications your sub takes (herbs, vitamins, prescription meds, birth control, everything!) Honestly, it is dangerous to play with BDSM when one person is not capable of giving full consent, but before you try anything, you must do your research! In all, it is less work and safer to stick with pretending...

...Back to ideas for rape and abduction! :)

If you really want to freak out your sub, another idea is to have friends or coworkers she doesn't know kidnap her for you. (Get consent before---several months or weeks before, so she's not expecting it!) Of course, for this you need to have some seriously dedicated buddies who are understanding of your kink lifestyle. Make it very clear they are not to hurt her or sexually touch her in any way, and watch from afar to make sure she is safe. You can even be in the car once she is blindfolded; as long as you don't talk and your friends do, she will never know you're there.

Note: if you don't have any friends this close, or she would recognize their voices and scents, you can try having local BDSMers help you out. Make sure you work with people you trust.

Once your friends get her to the hotel room or abandoned woods or whatever, have them threateningly tell her they are going to strip her off and fuck her mercilessly. Then have them leave you to your wicked ways! As long as you don't speak or give yourself away, you can savagely rip off her clothes and rape her, even leaving and pretending to be many people. If your sub is blindfolded and tied, it will feel incredibly real to her!

Of course, if you are going to have your friends abduct your sub, be smart about it. Get her consent first, and write out that you are her husband, what you are doing and why, and sign it so your friends don't get arrested by some cop who misunderstands the situation.

To remember this event later, you can secretly put up a video camera so you and your sub can watch the whole thing later. Another good idea is to play loud, unfamiliar music or have some other noise (a tv, your friends in the other room talking loudly, a tape of your friends pretending to egg you on as you rape her, etc.) so she is less likely to recognize your breathing. If you are playing multiple people, use different scents, different textured clothes, handle her differently (as though you were multiple people getting off on her misery in different ways), use a condom, use different toys, and do different things to her (maybe one is an anal fiend, the other obsessed with her breasts, and another wants to rub his dick all over her before he fucks her). Changing gloves, having shirts of very different textures with different scents (sweat in one, leave some in different people's houses for a few weeks, spray them with different colognes, etc.), and changing gum or mouthwash between "characters" will make it seem real.

Of course, before you traumatize your sub, make sure she wants to be raped and get her consent. Find out what makes her turned on, and if this isn't it, don't do it!





If you want to try abducting her--whether it's as simple as you meeting her at a bar and telling her to get her ass in your car or a complex scenario involving props and other people--it is also a good idea to have a to-go kit ready.

Some ideas for a to-go kit that will make your sub's life easier when she gets to return to real life are listed below. Of course, if you just want her to ride home, bound and gagged in the backseat of your car, that's okay, too!



Abduction/Rape To-Go Kit for the Hapless Sub:

• any lingerie or slutty clothes you want to force them to wear during the scene




• extra change of comfy clothes: shirt, bra, panties, jeans, socks, sneakers




• hair brush and ponytail holder




• deodorant




• makeup




• toothbrush and toothpaste




• any medications your sub takes




• contact solution, contact holders, and glasses
  

Abduction/Rape To-Go Kit for the Wicked Dom(me):

• condoms (in different textures and brands if you are playing more than one character)\




• lube




• sex toys, if desired




• paddles, whips, and floggers, if desired




• rope or handcuffs




• duct tape




• blindfold




• gag




• first aid kit




• emergency first-aid scissors




• hotel reservations, if needed




• ski mask




• blanket for backseat of your car




• map to wherever you're going

Also, if you are going to put this much work and planning into a rape scene to make your sub's fantasies come true (go you!), take some time to think about what you want out of these scene. Do you want her to know it's you or not? Will you find it sexier if she struggles, screams, and runs, or if she goes limp and does not resist? If she is honestly terrified for her life, crying and pleading, is that going to turn you on or make you feel guilty and be a huge turn-off? Would you rather have a sub who fights and screams the whole time, one who eventually stops struggling and goes limp, or one whose body betrays her by getting wet and sticky even as you rape her?

Whatever it is you want and need out of this scene, you need to communicate with your sub to get it. It is highly unlikely your sub will just magically happen to respond the way you're dreaming she will. Some women fight, some scream, some go limp, and others urge you to fuck them harder. Whichever one you want, have some conversations with your sub beforehand. Mention rape fantasies and tell her what you find sexy about these scenes. Share your dreams and what happens in your personal fantasies: what is happening? how does your victim react? what does she do? Does she say anything in particular? This way, both you and your sub leave happy and fulfilled from the experience.

*Note: you must get consent beforehand for all rape play activities.

**Note: rape play is a type of BDSM activity where consenting adult partners agree to pretend to rape/be raped. This is completely different from actual rape, which is a crime, a sin, and morally reprehensible.

BDSM and Communication: Two Subs and a Dom

My Dom, my friend C., and I had a little online discussion about what we like and don't like about BDSM, how it has improved our relationship and communication as a whole, and our favorite activities to try! So sit back, grab a cup of tea, and enjoy an online chat among friends!

BDSM and Communication: Two Subs and a Dom

1) When did you first get interested in BDSM?

• C: I first got interested in it when I was 15 and my boyfriend at the time admitted he was into it and I thought it sounded awesome, so I wanted to try it.
• Sub: I think I was always into it, but didn't realize it! Around 15 I started having fantasies about being raped. I wondered if I was normal. I have always been very turned on by being held down or pushed against a wall. When I was 19 I finally dated a man who had rape fantasies as well, and we "played rough" with rape, bondage, knives, and struggle. After that I was hooked, and began "converting" boys I dated, or else I just got bored with the sex. But I didn't realize there was a community of people like me, or that it had a name, until earlier this year (I'm 24).
• Dom: I first became interested in BDSM very recently. I was 27 and it was discovered with my current relationship. I realized something about myself. I began to understand it was something I wanted to experience.

2) How was it first incorporated into your current relationship?

• Dom: Both of us showed tendencies from the beginning. My sub is a biter and I love to restrain and be powerful. Our tastes played off each other and eventually we have our current situation. We started restraining, choking, biting, and slapping. Then the communication picked up. We shared openly about fantasies and what we were into. I learned not to judge something until it was tested, attempted, or tried. Now having done BDSM, I enjoy the love, communication, and trust that come with it. It is exciting, special, and can be healing. All are good things to introduce into a relationship.
• Sub: I agree. Hehe, he is right; I am a biter! :) With us, there were signs from the beginning. The first time we made out, he pushed me up against the door and I got turned on. He liked that it turned me on. The next time, he swept me off my feet, carried me to his backyard, and put me on the picnic table. Gradually our making out just got rougher and more passionate from there. Eventually I admitted my rape fantasies and asked him about his. He was freaked out at first, and then realized how much it turned him on. Slowly I started asking him to call me names and talk dirty. And then once he just slapped me! We were both so turned on. We realized we were on to something, and thank goodness we were both into it! :)
• C: It was incorporated very slowly and gradually because I was afraid he wouldn't be into it. I started being generally "rougher" with him in the bedroom then when I saw he was into it I suggested maybe he would like to treat me roughly. Once I felt we were completely comfortable with that, I waited 'til we were having sex the next time and told him to spank me, then harder and harder. After that he wanted to talk about the spanking and it naturally led to admitting I was into other BDSM activities, and he wanted to try them all.

3) How do you think BDSM has improved your communication with your partner?

• C: I feel that because sex and fetishes are probably one of the most intimate things you can share with someone, it makes other things a lot easier to talk about. It has definately made him more willing to actually express his own opinion aswell rather than saying things just to make me happy.
• Sub: I totally agree. If I can admit to my Dom that I want him to rape me, hit me while he comes, use me, insult me, and call me a bitch---well, that is pretty personal! So I know I can tell him anything. It really opened us up and helped us talk a lot about what we are okay with and what we are not sure about, without feeling judged.
• Dom: It has improved communication by causing us to be open and honest about that which is usually kept under wraps--fantasies. Most people wouldn't admit to their desire to try a rape fantasy. Most wouldn't volunteer they enjoy humiliation, because the judgment they would receive from their partners. They avoid these talks and are scared of the answer they might get. The scenes are also a great place to see how communication has improved. As the Dom, I have to pay attention to verbal and non-verbal means of communication. I have to make sure she is comfortable and taken care off. Even if she is unable to communicate this effectively. I don't believe my senses would be as keen as they are now without the care and practice BDSM offers.

4) How has it improved your sex life?

• C: Well, it means I get exactly what I want instead of enduring painful minutes of monotony.
• Sub: No joke! It has made us able to try anything. And be able to talk about anything.
• Dom: It has opened up so many ways to express sexual feelings and thoughts in a good way. We have a place to express ourselves sexually and emotionally most are too scared to visit. We can be anything there and as dirty as we want without fearing judgment (provided we don't push a hard limit).

5) What else has BDSM improved about your relationship? How?

• Dom: The emotional awareness is heightened for me. I have to pay close attention to my sub's body language, tone, and words during a scene. I do the same thing outside the bedroom. It has also created trust and love, because we know each others deepest fantasies. I think it gives her a place to be healed of past sexual trauma. It is a way to revisit the past with someone she loves and trusts. She can feel empowered over some of the events that made her feel helpless.
• Sub: Absolutely; I agree. I am slowly getting the guidance and leadership and dominance I need from a man, in a safe and structured way, rather than the abusive ways of the past. I can release "unhealthy" sexual needs from past abuse in a healthy way now.
• C: It makes us more relaxed around each other and it gives us ways to flirt with each other when we're not together, because he can always send me a text or message me on msn telling me of something new he has thought to do to me.

6) Are there any ways BDSM has made your relationship more difficult? How?

• C: I suppose it can be frustrating when he won't take things as far as I want them to be taken, then I can sulk with him a bit and sometimes cause arguments. But only very rarely.
• Sub: I'm the same way. Once I needed to be dominated but the mood just wasn't right. Lots of times our scenes aren't as intense or mean or painful as I want them to be. Then I get frustrated and moody and lose interest in sex for a while. I get grouchy at my Dom. Also, in BDSM you risk going too far and actually hurting someone's feelings, or being dominating when the mood isn't right and I don't feel like being dominated. Then I just get pissed off! :) He did this once and I got a huge attitude. We had to talk it out.
• Dom: I don't think it's made our relationship more difficult. I have hurt her once by talking dirty after she was ready to stop.

7) Do you think you know your partner better or worse since starting BDSM?

• C: I definitely think I know him better.
• Sub: Me, too. I know his secret desires so much better now, and it is something only we share, so it brings us closer in all areas. I feel close to him in a group of people because we have this bond with each other they don't know about.
• Dom: I think I know her better since starting BDSM. I feel like we are closer and have built a huge amount of trust! I love her so much and we communicate not only fantasies, but our feelings. I know that I can have a bad day and cry with her or share the greatest joy and be happy.

8) What are some of his/her favorite activities or fetishes?

• Dom: I know some of her favorite activities are biting, dirty talk, humiliation, she enjoys a good slap, being restrained, rape scenes, and hair pulling. This isn't an exhaustive list, but a good start.
• Sub: *giggles* He's right. For him, he likes the feeling of power and control. He likes to slap me and watch my shocked expression, hold me down, and hurt me. They make him feel powerful!
• C: He likes commanding me and telling me what to do, and he's also interested in filming us.

9) What is your favorite thing to do for your sub/Dom that you know brings pleasure?

• C: Doing exactly what he says.
• Sub: Haha, not me! He has to really work to dominate me to the point I will do exactly what he says without me resenting him. But I do reeeeally like giving him multiple orgasms. I like to sit between his legs facing him as I work his cock; this way, I can see his face and share the experience with him, and it is less painful for my wrists. In this position, I can do lots of fun things to his perineum and testicles, which makes him orgasm so many times without ejaculting! I love it; twice the fun and no mess!
• Dom: I love to go down on her and taste her. It is the best when she cums in my mouth. :) I also love to talk dirty to her for hours and hours! She gets so wound up and excited. I do, too! It makes me look forward to the first available private moment.

10) What is your favorite fetish to have done for you?

• Dom: I my favorite thing is when she struggles. It's totally dirty, but I love a good struggle and then to watch her give in. It's sooooo hot! Getting sweaty while wrestling and giving her a few good, firm slaps to the face is amazing.
• C: Spanking, dirty talking, general forcefulness.
• Sub: For me, probably talking really, really, really dirty and calling me terrible names! It makes me so hot. I also adore it when he talks dirty to me for hours, getting me all wound up, and then he can make me ejaculte multiple times. It is the best feeling in the world to come 7 or 8 times. It is rare to get me that worked up, but I LOVE it when he can!

Cheap Ideas for BDSM Play

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Rape Fantasies: Are They Normal?

Many women (and men) are disturbed by rape fantasies. They think they must be sick, immoral, or wrong. They harbor these fears in secret, never sharing them with partners, ashamed and afraid. I'm here to tell you that these feelings are normal! Before we talk about how to incorporate rape fantasies into BDSM, let's explore some basics of the common fetish of rape fantasies.

Q: Are rape fantasies normal?
Absolutely! They are one of the most common fantasies around. An article by Saneesh Michael says that "most" women have them. While I'm not sure where she got this idea, it is certainly a common phenomenon. I know many of my female friends have sighed with relief when we finally talked about it, saying, "Good! I didn't know this was normal, and I thought I was crazy!"

Q: How many people have them, exactly?
It depends on which studies you read. Some studies say 19%, some say 47%, and the highest says 59%. The most current research estimates that anywhere from a third to half of all women have them. These fantasies could vary from being unwillingly seduced to orgasm to violent scenes of painful, savage rape. Of course, the study results depend on the women surveyed and the questions asked, but either way, rape fantasies are definitely common.

Q: What does having these fantasies mean? Am I sick or masochistic?
Several years ago, psychiatrists used to think so, but now researchers have shown this to be false. They now think these fantasies indicate other things. The common idea that "women who fantasize of rape actually want to be raped" is false. There are many theories out there, some better than others:

1. "Women have been taught to repress their sexual urges, so rape gives them a way to remain innocent while still being sexually active." However, studies on this have been inconclusive. Some studies found a women who felt guilty about sex were more likely to have rape fantasies, some found there was no relationship, and some found women who didn't feel guilty about sex were more likely to fantasize about being raped. In general, the newest research seems to suggest this theory is incorrect.
2. "Women find it sexy to be so desired that a man will break all the rules to have her." Some women are simply excited by the idea of being so sexually powerful and seen as so desirable that a man would absolutely lose control and take her against her will.
3. "Women are biologically predisposed to violence and rape in mating." The theory of biological predisposition would explain why both men and women have rape fantasies: women have a need to be fought over, pursued, and dominated, while men have a need to seek, fight, overpower, and dominate. It is certainly true that some male animals fight for their female, then try to awe her in a display of dominance. Perhaps we are simply acting out our wildest, most primal instincts.
4. "Emotional arousal heightens sexual arousal." Many studies have proven that feeling frightened, anxious, or angry before sex heightens the sexual drive. Women whose blood is already pumping and emotional state is already aroused are much quicker to respond sexually to graphic pictures. This is why many people are especially passionate after a fight or when they have just been badly frightened. This theory helps explain why rape fantasies, and BDSM in general, might help heighten sexual pleasure for women.

Q: I have actually been raped, but I still have rape fantasies.
From what I've read, this is very normal. As a very wise Fetlife member said, "Having rape fantasies is normal for women. And raped or not, you are still a normal woman." Sometimes your brain may take scenes from the actual rape, as a chance to make a terrible moment exciting, sexual, and in your control. Other times, you will simply fantasize about being overpowered like other women do. Either way, this is normal and healthy.

Q: Do men have rape fantasies, too?
Absolutely. Although, surprisingly, men have fewer rape fantasies than women. Many men are ashamed to admit it, but actually it is natural for a man to want to overpower and dominate his mate. Just as the women who fantasize don't want to actually be raped, these men do not actually wish to harm or rape a woman.

Q: I am a man who fantasizes about being the victim of rape, or a woman fantasizing about raping a man. Is this normal?
While it is less common, this is still normal. Some women enjoy the power trip of raping a man, forcing him to have sex at knife- or gunpoint. And some men enjoy the idea of being completely dominated by a woman, just as women do. These are both sane fantasies.

Q: Do these fantasies mean women and men actually want to participate in a rape?
No! While both genders have fantasies about raping or being raped, having these thoughts doesn't mean they want to make them real. Some people prefer to keep them as fantasies, sharing them with no one. Others like to act them out with their partners, using standard BDSM scene etiquette by communicating and agreeing beforehand, utilizing safewords, and "playing" rape. For either gender, nonconsenual or truly violent rape is a sexy thought but an abhorrent reality.

Q: Why are rape fantasies sexy for some people?
A woman in an online article put it this way: "I think it's innate for every woman to have an internal need to be wanted so badly that a man would take sex from her." My friend D. explained to me, "I think it's just the idea of someone being in control of you...*happy sigh*" Our friend C. chimed in, "It's just the next natural step beyond regular domination and submission." My Dom likes the power trip, and I enjoy the feeling of being totally vulnerable and helpless, while being totally desired by a strong, masculine man who has overpowered me emotionally and physically.

Q: Is it safe for my partner and me to act out our rape fantasies?
This depends. For some, it may be too disturbing or traumatic, which is why you should never try it without a safeword. Also, lots of communication beforehand is crucial, because you could inflict serious emotional damage in a rape scene gone wrong. If a rape scene sounds like too much, your fantasies should probably stay safely in your head. But if you want to try it, go ahead; with two consenting adults who both get off on the thrill of rape play, it can be perfectly safe and healthy.

Q: What could be the benefits of acting out my rape fantasies?
For one, it's sexy. :) Another is that the heightened emotional and physical sensations of struggling, being frightened or scared, and fighting your attacker will make your body wake up and your blood start pumping, making you more turned on! Also, it can be very healing to admit these fantasies and act them out in a safe scenario, knowing they are normal and healthy. And if you have been the victim of rape or abuse, sometimes rape scenes give you the chance to re-write history, taking back a part of yourself that was lost and re-creating the event under your own control, by your own rules, and with your own consent.

Warning: While BDSM can be healing, some people need serious therapy. BDSM is not a substitute for professional help. Rape play is inherently dangerous, playing on the edge of emotional trauma, so subdrop and topdrop are especially likely, and aftercare is absolutely crucial.

My Resources:

Women's Erotic Rape Fantasies (study)

How Common Are Women's Rape Fantasies? (table)

What's Behind Rape Fantasies? (article)

Do Women Desire Forced Lovemaking? (article)

What's Biblical and Not in Christian BDSM

After reading a bunch of stuff on BDSM, I realize that for many BDSM lifestylists, things are normal (and even expected) in BDSM that are 100% not-okay from a biblical standpoint. This will be a short article, but I think it is necessary for clarity.

Not Okay (includes but not limited to)

• polyamory (sex with more than one person, such as threesomes). Why? 1 Corinthians 7:2
• premarital sex. Why? Hebrews 13:4.
• adultery (cheating on your spouse). Why? 1 Corinthians 6:9-10.
• bi or homosexual activities. Why? 1 Corinthians 6:9-10.
• bestiality. Why? It's illegal! And, Leviticus 20:15.
• looking at pornographic texts or pictures. Why? Matthew 5:28
• doing something your Dom tells you to that you know is illegal, immoral, or unbiblical. Why? Galations 1:10
• anything not consensual. Why? It's illegal! Note to self: don't go to jail for rape.

Okay (includes but not limited to)

• women being Doms and men being Subs
• bondage, tying up, handcuffs, etc.
• hitting, spanking, paddling, whipping, etc.
• emotional humiliation (*if* the person wants it)
• rape fantasies (about your partner)
• using kinky sex toys
• anal play for men or women (it's not "gay" if you're not doing it with a member of the same sex)
• "human bestiality" (dressing up as puppy, horse, or other animal)

I think it is obvious that I did not, nor can I, list everything that is biblical and nonbiblical in BDSM, because BDSM is only limited your imagination. But many BDSM sites seem to assume that your Dom can order you to have sex with other people, have a bi or gay sex scene, have sex in front of other people, allow Masters or Mistresses to have multiple partners besides you, or participate in a threesome. Don't do anything that puts you at odds with God! If you have other questions, contact us or look it up.

Basically, the rule is this: if it doesn't harm someone else, is legal, is between two consensual adults over 18, and isn't specifically forbidden in the Bible or your Church, it's okay.

Click here for another (albeit somewhat incomplete) website on Christian BDSM relationships.