Other Bloggers: We're All in This Together

It's easy when I'm reading about other people's DD and D/s marriages to feel like their lives must be perfect and my marriage isn't up to par. I know it isn't true, but it's easy to romanticize other people's marriages.

For instance, Spanked Army Wife just wrote about how her husband found out she was playing in the snow when she was sick and is going to spank her for it. He texted her and made her go home right away, telling her she knew better than to play in the snow when she was already sick. And Rogue Bambi at Past the Hurt has been writing lately about how she and Wonderboy are getting into newer and sexier elements of D/s and power exchange. Just in the few months I've been reading her blog, she and her husband have progressed from a couple skirting around the edges of D/s to a very confident power-exchange dynamic.

Yeah, I'm jealous.

Not because I don't have my own power exchange dynamic that works for us. But of course, what my Dom and I are building together does not look like what I pictured when I first read all the stories of sexy, powerful men and meek, submissive women at Christian Domestic Discipline and Christian DD.

Every couple is different. I envy Mick his easy leadership style that comes across in his writing; I envy Stormy her husband's awesome resolve and ability to be firm, consistent, and insistent about their DD lifestyle. I envy Sara and Grant their longevity and the obvious respect they have for each other due to their years of experience in this lifestyle.

That doesn't mean I think these people don't have real marriages with real struggles. I see how Mick sometimes feels hurt by his wife, or how Stormy struggles with embracing her husband's style of discipline at times. I know Rogue Bambi and her husband are struggling with infertility and that puts a strain on their marriage. No one of us in this lifestyle has a perfect, storybook marriage. We're real people with real problems.

When I first found CDD, I thought for sure I wanted it. I romanticized the rules and regulations. I thought the stories about spankings by strong, confident Christian men were unbearably sexy. I wanted my husband to be those men overnight and gently lead me into being a submissive Christian woman.

Of course, if you've read my blog much, it didn't work that way. We had to carve our own story out of the stone, you see. You can't just take someone else's style and adopt it. You have to do the long, hard work of carving your own lifestyle out for yourselves. And the result won't look exactly like anybody else's.

I struggled a lot with issues, like my identity crisis as a feminist vs. submissive. My husband would be wonderfully strong and consistent one week and not the next. My visions of sexy spankings rarely came true; most of them time I hated them and felt angrier than ever afterward. I spent more, not less, time criticizing him for not being consistent enough. Then I got depressed and just gave up entirely. I made up rules for myself and then got depressed that he hadn't made them up for me and he wasn't enforcing them as strictly as I thought he should. He got angry that I was acting more rebellious and childish than I had before we started the power exchange.

It was hard, but it was worth it. My marriage, whether you call it D/s or DD or CDD, does not look exactly like Sara's or Kaya's or Bambi's or Stormy's or Mick's or Dauntless Vitality's or Dannah's or anyone else's. But it is similar enough to them that I enjoy reading these men and women's blogs and I feel a connection with these people, as though they are friends, maybe not in real life but in a sort of online community nonetheless.

We're friends, you see. I may not know your names or your faces, but I know something about your lives, and I connect to it. I appreciate the stories you tell and the lessons I learn from them. I want to support you and help you as best I can, by leaving supportive comments and praying for you when the need arises. I enjoy the relationships that develop in the comment boxes.

We're all in this together.

When Punishment Brings Restoration

I've always cognitively understood why subs on DD websites would post things like, "I just want him to punish me!" but I can't say I ever really understood on an emotional or instinctual level.

My mind can logically accept that some women want to be punished. They want the catharsis, they want to feel they've had their consequence and it's over and all is forgiven, or maybe they just want to feel taken in hand by their husbands. I read on a lot of DD blogs how after a spanking or other punishment, couples regain their intimacy and are able to make love or have a loving, cuddly evening together because the air has been cleared, negative emotions have been dealt with and talked out (or beaten out *wink*), and there is a feeling of relief.

But I'd never really felt that way.

I either felt angry after a punishment, or angry because he wasn't punishing me. If he punished me, I'd sulk, thinking, "How dare he act like I'm the only one wrong?" or "He's such a jerk, ignoring my misbehavior and being inconsistent for days, and then trying to take back control out of nowhere!" Punishment never really resulted in the return to emotional intimacy that DD websites described.

I think punishments, whether spanking or not, have several goals:

• Remorse. The Dom gives a negative consequence (lecture, spanking, written assignment on what she did wrong) to encourage or even force the sub to see the error of her ways and feel remorse. Without remorse, there can be no change in the future, so I think it's necessary a good punishment end with remorse.


• Justice. I have a rigid black-and-white view of the world. Things being unfair or unjust bother me like an itch under the skin. If I've wronged my husband, receiving a punishment in measure with my offense can make me relax because all is right with the world again.


• Emotional Catharsis. A lot of DD and CDD websites advocate spanking until the woman cries. I don't know if that's necessary, but I think once a man fights through the anger, pain, and stubborness and finally breaks that final barrier, there can be great emotional healing. I know several DD couples who use spanking as a way to basically "beat" a bad attitude out of the woman, clear the air of negative feelings, and restore marital harmony.


• Intimacy. Instead of sulking and fighting all night, quick and decisive punishment stops a bad behavior in its tracks. Instead of letting a woman leave the house, lock the door, or scream at him all night, a man takes the issue in control, deals with it, and they can put it behind them. Intimacy and harmony are restored. (Yes, I've heard of women who needed two or three or even four spankings in a night before their attitude finally changed!)


• Reinforcement of Boundaries. Fights inevitably become power struggles between the two people. Punishment is a clear way to reinforce that the HoH is in charge and the woman is not. Instead of struggling for power all night, the couple can accept the way things are and get to the business of talking about their issues and resolving them within their pre-agreed-upon boundaries: man in charge, woman as helpmeet.

These are great goals, but I'd never really understood. It had never happened to me. Maybe the punishments didn't come consistently enough. Maybe I'm too stubborn and hell-bent on being right. Probably... both?

Either way, I'd never felt remorse and we rarely felt intimacy after. He felt like I wasn't on his team and I felt like he wasn't being consistent.

Last night, for the first time, a punishment really worked with me. We'd had a bad fight. We'd both said some mean things. We were both exhausted and drained.

We stuck it out (meaning: he didn't get mad and leave and I didn't get hurt and shut him out), which took a lot of effort for both of us. It's harder to stay in a room and fight with someone you love for 4 fours than it is to storm out and go feel self-righteous.

But we stayed.

And we talked.

And our talk went up and down, closer to resolution and then farther away, but we kept at it.

Finally, finally, exhausted and in the wee hours of the night, we had talked it all out. We'd both aired our grievances and apologized. We'd both shared how hurt we were and both tried to compromise and say we would work on some things.

It was time to go to bed.

After a fight like that, even after we've apologized and forgiven each other, I just can't have a good night's sleep. There is just too much negativity bottled up in me after all that. I will have a terrible night with nightmares. I will wake up upset from residual bad emotions. It will ruin my day the next day as well.

As we laid there, drifting to sleep and cuddling, I suddenly understood. I wanted him to punish me. I wanted him to take me in hand and show me that my bad behavior was not acceptable and would not be tolerated. I wanted him to clear the air between us. I wanted to feel close to him again. I didn't want our night and tomorrow to be ruined. I wanted to restore our relationship.

It's hard to admit that to your husband. But I rolled over and traced my hand up and down his stomach. I admitted how I felt.

He was willing. He was very, very willing.

The air felt charged with erotic tension as I waited for him to decide what to do. He said he didn't want me to whine or complain or tell him he didn't punish me enough or he punished me too much. With bated breath, I promised that I would open myself to his authority. He could punish me as he wanted to. I would not complain or criticize.

I felt.... open. Submissive. I wanted things to be right between us. I was sorry for hurting him. I wanted him to punish me for it so I knew he was my head and authority, and so the air could be cleared between us.

I didn't like all the punishments he chose. But when I whimpered, he reminded me softly, "You said you would open yourself to me." And so I did.

He punished me in several different ways. Some were, frankly, highly erotic for both of us. Some were not. I accepted them either way.

There was a change in my Dom. He took the power I gave him and he wielded it. He seemed more strong and self-assured. He knew what he wanted. He told me what I'd done wrong as he punished me. He told me how he was going to punish me. He asked me, "What did you do wrong today?" He made me, in the middle of being punished, list off the things I'd done that were disrespectful or hard-hearted. Listing them while being punished was powerful for me. It made an immediate connection in my head between my behavior and the punishment. I couldn't play the victim or pretend that he was the jerk here.

When I needed a break to be cuddled and reassured, he was quick to oblige. His strong arms held me as I curled into his neck and cried about how sorry I was. He kissed me and told me he loved me and that he was sorry, too. When I was done being reassured, he put me back in position and kept punishing me.

It meant a lot to me that he didn't just cut the punishment short because I was sorry. He was loving and gentle, but firm. He insisted on giving me every bit of that punishment I'd deserved. If he had relented, I'd have felt cheated. I wouldn't have had that emotional catharsis. I would have questioned his authority ("Can I manipulate my way out of things just by acting sorry? Why isn't he following through on what he said he'd do?"). But he gave me 100% of the punishment he'd decided was fair for me and told me I'd be getting. He didn't slack off or relent. It made him seem so strong and masculine in my eyes.

Often, punishments to me seem too short. I feel they're too lenient for whatever I've done. Not this one.

At one point, I asked him, "Why aren't you being punished? You were wrong, too."

He looked down at me, seeming big and strong in my eyes. I felt a little in awe of him.

He didn't seem threatened by my question. "I'm sorry, too," he told me. "But I answer to God. God will punish me. You answer to me."

My heart felt washed clean. I breathed huge sighs of shuddering relief. Everything was right with the world. Everything was fair. I was being taken care of. My bad behavior was being dealt with decisively and strictly. My husband loved me and I loved him. We were on the same team. Intimacy was restored. I felt... grateful.

When he was finished, he brought me water and made me drink it. I cuddled up next to him as close as I could get. He tenderly wrapped the blankets around my naked body. I was seized by a fear this might not last. He reassured me.

Whispering loving words in each other's ears, curled around each other, we drifted into peaceful sleep.

Disciplining Your Wife

I get tired of websites that decry Christians being involved in BDSM or DD. I think when it comes to BDSM, other Christians are offended both by the kinky-sex element and the inequality inherent in D/s and power-exchange relationships. When it comes to DD, CDD, and Taken in Hand, other Christians are offended by the idea of power exchange, especially discipling your wife.

I've dealt before with the issue of being Christian and having kinky sex. I don't see a cognitive dissonance between the two. Within marriage, I don't think God dictates that couples only enjoy vanilla sex.

I'll deal today with the second issue common to both BDSM and CDD: wifely discipline. You can find this topic addressed in Jewish, Christian, and Muslim religious traditions.

Any site you'll ever read for or against Christians disciplining their wives will quote that all-famous and ubiquitous verse, Ephesians 5:21-27. If you don't know it, here it is:

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.

Ephesians 5 clearly states that a woman doesn't need to submit to every man, but to her own husband. Yet advocates of egalitarian Christian marriages will try to invalidate Ephesians 5 by saying this means the man and woman are more or less equal, but perhaps he gets the final decision if they just can't agree, sort of like a 51/49 power relationship. While men and women are certainly equal in abilities, worth, and before God, this verse in no way makes them equal in power while on earth. A 51/49 relationship sounds nice, but it completely ignores that tricky quote, "wives should submit to their husbands in everything." Even the little stuff. Even if she doesn't want to. Even if they can't agree. So Biblically, I just don't think you can make a sound argument for a 49/51 power split. The man is in control, all the time. And with it comes a lot of responsibility to love your wife and create her to be a better Christian, "without stain or wrinkle."

Other Christians will try to explain away Ephesians 5 by saying that verse 21, "Submit to one another," means that God is looking for a 50/50, equal partnership. I argue that takes the quote completely out of context and ignores the following part. Rather, Paul is introducing his topic (submission). He then goes on to explain in great detail exactly how we are to submit: wives to their husbands in everything, children to their parents, and slaves to their masters.

What a lot of people don't realize is that Ephesians 5 is just the tip of the iceberg. There are other verses that clearly put the husband in charge of the wife. My Dom always says that troughout the Bible, God loves heirarchies. The angels are in heirarchies. The Israelite society has heirarchies. The Israelite army works in heirarchies. Families work in heirarchies. The chain of command goes like this: God, husband, wife, children.

Let's go beyond Ephesians 5 and see what other parts of the Bible have to say.

In Genesis 3:16, God said to Eve:

Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.”

Other translations say, "he will rule you" (GWT), "he will be your master," (BBE) or "he will have dominion over thee" (DRB). The meaning is clear.

In Titus 2:4, Paul gives women many instructions, including "to be subject to their husbands."

In Colossians 3:19, Paul tells wives:

Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.

Like in Ephesians, he then follows it with a reminder of the man's responsibility to love her and treat her well. Nowhere in the Bible is submission a free gift; it does come with responsibility!

If you want to make the argument that Ephesians, Titus, and Colossians are all written by that misogynist Paul, I offer you a quote from Peter, another leader of the early church and Jesus' best friend. Peter 3:1-5 says:

Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands...For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves. They submitted themselves to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord.

Paul here is referring to Genesis 18:12, where Sarah calls Abraham adon, the Hebrew word for lord, master, or owner. It's difficult for proponents of egalitarian Christian marriage to explain away how the words lord, master, and owner can be interpreted the same as husband--but they try because it's no longer politically correct to think of your husband as your master or owner.

I think it's interesting that in ancient Jewish culture, the endearment husbands used to refer to their wives, achoth and rayah, literally meant "sister" and "beloved female companion," respectively, while adon comes from a root meaning to rule, and can also mean a soveriegn, a Divine or human controller, or a lord, master, or owner. One clearly had the meaning of power and authority, while the other did not, though both were loving terms.

If you're curious what other religious traditions have to say about discipline, both the Jewish Bible (aka Christian Old Testament) and Koran mention discipline.

I've already quoted the Hebrew Bible when it comes to Genesis. It gives husbands the right to nullify their wives' vows or forbid them from fulfilling a vow in Numbers 30:6-8, a clear indication of their power in the relationship. In Deuteronomy 22:28-29 and Exodus 22:16, a man who raped a maiden had to pay her father a dowry and marry her; in essence, he bought her from her father and she became his. The Hebrew Bible also compares Israel to God's wife and shows Him disciplining her, both physically and emotionally. One example I love (because it speaks mostly of God's forgiveness and mercy) of God's metaphorical "marriage" to Israel is Hosea 2, where He disciplines her until she repents and returns to Him, and then showers her with love:

“Rebuke your mother, rebuke her,
for she is not my wife,
and I am not her husband.
Let her remove the adulterous look from her face
and the unfaithfulness from between her breasts.
Otherwise I will strip her naked
and make her as bare as on the day she was born;
I will make her like a desert,
turn her into a parched land,
and slay her with thirst.
I will not show my love to her children,
because they are the children of adultery.
Their mother has been unfaithful
and has conceived them in disgrace.
She said, ‘I will go after my lovers,
who give me my food and my water,
my wool and my linen, my olive oil and my drink.’
Therefore I will block her path with thornbushes;
I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way.
She will chase after her lovers but not catch them;
she will look for them but not find them.
Then she will say, ‘I will go back to my husband as at first,
for then I was better off than now.’

These verses speak of God disciplining His wife, stripping her of privileges and punishing her until she has no choice but to return to Him, repentant. But the story ends happily; later in the same chapter, Hosea 2:14-19 says:

Therefore I am now going to allure her;
I will lead her into the wilderness
and speak tenderly to her.

...I will betroth you to me forever;
I will betroth you in righteousness and justice,
in love and compassion.
I will betroth you in faithfulness,
and you will acknowledge the LORD.

Just like every CDD and DD site says, the point of discipline in this Judeo-Christian text is to rebuke and exhort, teach a lesson, get rid of the negative, sinful behavior, and replace it with godly behavior. It's not just abuse. The end goal is reconciliation with God and husband.

In the Islamic faith, the Koran clearly gives husbands the right to discipline their wives in although other verses also clarify that husbands must not be abusive and must be loving to their wives. Here's Sura 4:34:

Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has given the one more strength than the other, and because they support them from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in the husband's absence what Allah would have them guard. As to those women on whose part ye fear disloyalty and ill-conduct, admonish them first. Next, refuse to share their beds, and last beat them; but if they return to obedience, seek not against them Means of annoyance: For Allah is Most High, great above you all.

The theme of discipline in marriage is just one I've been exploring and researching lately. Just because people in these cultures follow (or followed) these traditions doesn't mean everyone has to, but it's worth taking a look at where these concepts came from and how they are practiced today.

Women Are Willful

Women are willful. Willfulness leads to being headstrong. Being headstrong leads to testing limits. Testing limits leads to disobedience. Disobedience leads to punishment. Punishment leads to submission. Submission leads to compliance. Compliance leads to harmony. -ObdurateDemand from Fet

Ok, so I'm not saying that all women are willful. They're not. But this quote definitely applies to me. :)

I am willful. Sometimes I get really testy when my Dom tries to give me orders. Get your own darn coffee! flashes through my head. I scowl and avoid eye contact. I get a little furrow between my eyes.

He says it's because I'm stubborn. I say it's because I'm still fighting years of cultural indoctrination.

We're probably both right.

For my marriage, D/s is what helps us smooth those wrinkles away from my forehead. Maybe I'm really comfortable right then. Maybe I'm really into my book. He definitely has two working arms and a healthy set of legs; he could get his own coffee!

But when it comes down to it, we have this unwritten contract that we've both agreed to. So we could sit there and scowl at each other forever, and bicker over who should get up to get the coffee. But in the end, I'm going to lose because I agreed to let him have the power, and I furthermore (foolishly???) agreed that if I disobeyed, he could punish me.

And I hate being spanked.

Really, really hate it. It doesn't make me feel sexy. It's not erotic. It doesn't make me feel contrite and remorseful.

It enfuriates me.

So I have no one to blame but myself when I end up getting up in the middle of what I'm doing, and getting his coffee.

And then, inexplicably, I feel happy that he made me. Apparently what I was doing wasn't so important that I couldn't stop for 10 seconds to pour a mug of coffee. (But it seemed like it at the time!)

Let's explore the cause-and-effect pattern proposed in the quote above.

Willful/headstrong -->Testing Limits.

Do I test limits? You betcha. I'm lucky to have a Dom with a great sense of humor. He knows--because we've talked about it many times--that when I test, it's not to annoy him. It's because I'm trying to make sure that my boundaries are safe. Is he still just as committed to our relationship? Is he going to put forth the effort to enforce those rules he gave me? Is he still stronger than me? Am I still safe with him?

Sometimes it does annoy him, sure. But usually his sense of humor kicks in and he is able to identify my behavior, point it out to me, and stay pretty level about it.

Testing Limits --> Disobedience.

Guilty again. Sometimes, if my preliminary tests to the "fence" that he keeps around our relationship indicate that perhaps the fence is failing because its keeper is busy at work, not in the mood, or not noticing my tests because he's otherwise engaged, I get anxious. I see that fence as keeping the bad out and the good in. He protects me and us and he keeps me in line. Fence down! Fence down! Fence down! I start to panic a bit and I attack the fence with renewed fervor. I want him to engage and fix the fence, or let me out of the fence where I can protect myself.

Disobedience --> Punishment.

This is where his part comes in. He has the choice here to engage, wrestle me back into submission, and restore harmony to our relationship, or to take the easy way and be passive, letting me have my way and putting us back into an equal-power relationship. Being a Dom can be hard work.

Punishment --> Submission.

It doesn't matter what the punishment is. In DD and CDD, it is usually a spanking. In D/s and M/s it can be any negative consequence, including spanking, but I've also heard of corner time, long talks about the negative behavior, canings, or loss of priveleges like the computer or other favorite hobbies. I've heard of Doms who assigned homework or a paper on what the negative behavior was. For really bad stuff, some women lose their collars or their entire D/s relationship.

Does that sound like consequences you'd give a kid? Yep. A common complaint I've heard from Christians against DD and CDD is that the man is infantilizing the woman. To some extent, this might be true. But it's hard to imagine a man having authority and giving rules without having the means to back them up. And I'm yet to come up with a way to punish someone for misbehavior that isn't at least similar to the punishments you'd give a child or teenager. In the Bible, God punishes people for rebellion and sin, yet no one thinks He was treating the Israelites like children. He was just putting His foot down and showing them the way it would be--namely, His way or no way. And I don't think it would work well if my Dom tried to make me wander the Israeli desert for 40 years as a punishment. Just saying.

Submission --> Compliance.

For a more stubborn woman, you probably have to know her really well to find her weak spots, or you have to be prepared to fight her harder to wrestle her back into submission. Yet even the wildest horses can eventually be broken by the right man. Once you find a punishment that makes her feel true remorse, helps her see the error of her ways, and reconciles the two of you, you've hit upon a winner.

Some women will thrash and beg through a spanking, then eventually cry, go limp, and show remorse. This is why some CDD sites advocate spanking the woman until she cries and completely submits (the two are different, by the way, but tears can let you know when you're getting there. Angry tears are different than remorseful tears). For other women, a completely different type of punishment may be necessary. You can be creative here--- it doesn't have to be just physical punishment.

But once the punishment is over, and you've won, she's yours again. She feels safe again. You've proved that her safety fence is still in working order. And you've proved that you're a man capable of handling her.

Women are willful?

Many of us, yes. But a firm, loving hand can change us into the woman you want us to be.

The One Twue Way

In [insert your community here: BDSM, D/s, DD, CDD, Taken in Hand, M/s, etc.], in all these very interrelated communities, there is always someone who feels like they are not following "The One Twue Way."

No, that's not a typo. The twue way is just like a twue sub or a twue dom. There is no one right way to do it. There is no way you must be.

The online blogger communities are great for me because I can get so many great ideas. I can see how these relationships work in real life. I can see what works for me and what doesn't. I always try to share really good quotes or posts with my Dom, so he can share in this community, too.

In my online meanderings, I've found slaves with very detailed lists of rules and slaves with no real rules. I've met subs who love to submit and please, and subs who have to be forced into it and conquered. I've read posts by DD or CDD women who had to beg their husbands to discipline them and women who still beg their husbands not to.

Love it or hate it, if TTWD (This Thing We Do) is also TTYD (This Thing You Do), you fit in here.

It doesn't matter if you have rules or not. If your husband spanks you or not. If you have rituals or not. If you are good at submitting or not. If you call your husband a Master, Sir, Dom, or Head of Household, or none of the above.

This community has enough room for everyone.

The sad thing, I think, is when reading others' blogs and participating in online communities (like Fetlife and Taken in Hand) makes us feel alienated and alone, instead of encouraged and inspired. I've felt that way. Other bloggers (I'm specifically thinking of Libby, Kaya, and Stormy, but there are more) have also recently written about it. I think at some point, many of us feel like maybe we don't fit in here. Yet the point is to learn from others--their mistakes and successes, but mostly just their stories.

Each one of us is in a relationship that is completely and utterly unique. I believe God planned a specific person for each one of us. As Genesis 2:18 says:

God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."

The word for "man" here is the Hebrew word hadam or adam, and it means man, mankind, or human. The word applied to the woman is ezer, meaning a help or helper, someone who gives aid. For this specific man, God created a specific helper who would fit him-- in other words, they complemented each other. Eve probably wouldn't have fit so well with any other man, because God hadn't created her to be a lifemate to anyone else. These two went specifically together.

There are a lot more of us on the earth now, but the basic principle remains the same. Each couple is made uniquely to suit. I can see how God knew, even better than my husband or I did, how we were going to complement each other and fit each other's needs. Sure, in the past I had dated other, very nice, boys, but I prayed hard about who I should end up with and so I trust that I was led to the right one for me.

So of course it seems obvious that what works for my Dom and me is not what's going to work for many other D/s couples. Our communities should be here to encourage and support one another--to give us the edification that yes, there are other people out there like us, other people struggling along similar journeys and having similar experiences and making similar mistakes. We have a lot to learn from one another.

But there is no "right" or "wrong" way to build your relationship. If you are communicating with each other, praying about it, and staying safe, sane, and consensual, you shouldn't ever feel like you are a misfit or don't belong. There is no "One Twue Way."

Unless my Dom asks. And then, you should tell him it's my way.

Just kidding.

But....but what if she doesn't like it?

This beautiful painting is an image of Eve despairing in the garden of Eden, after she has eaten the forbidden fruit. As a clear example of how marriages and lives can go wrong without the presence of godly male leadership, Christians have the famous story of the Garden of Eden in Genesis. I chose the painting because it beautifully depicts the despair and hopelessness that can enter our lives when our husbands do not provide the leadership and guidance they are called to.

The story began thousands of years ago, and it continues today. Like Eve, many women are headstrong and opinionated. Like Adam, many men are passive and compliant. Today, in BDSM relationships and out of them, the saga continues: women cry out for strength and leadership, and men ask the age-old question:

"But what if she doesn't like it?"

This is a question I think many, if not all, Doms and Masters struggle with when they enter into a D/s relationship. Let's face it: hitting girls, pushing them, yelling at them, calling them names, and tying them up are pretty big cultural "no-nos" in our society.

My Dom, even after years of BDSM and D/s activity, still struggles with this. He doesn't want to hurt me, he wants to be "fair," or he just doesn't want to accidentally trigger past flashbacks that will freak me out. He tries to be very cautious, which is good, because safety and caution are important aspects of D/s. On the other hand, if you're too safe and cautious, you end up being a "nice guy" and not a "sexy, strong" guy.

What's a guy to do?

I've read a lot on this subject, and it's not an uncommon question.

Let me just put it this way: Is she hinting that she'd like to be dominated more? Is she complaining that you don't hurt her enough? Is she asking to be scared, or hurt, or beaten? If she is, that means she wants it. People can say BDSM is unhealthy all they want, but if it makes two consenting adults happy, I say go for it. We each get to define what "healthy" is for our own relationship. And if you have a sub or slave that is longing for more D/s or violence or BDSM or whatever, and you don't give it to her because you're such a "nice guy," you're going to end up with a very unhappy, bitter slave who is not getting her needs met, and instead of being such a great, wonderful, sweet guy, you're the sissy who wasn't man enough to meet her needs even when she outright asked for it.

Don't believe me that you're not alone?

Check out Domination for Nice Guys by Franklin Veaux. This article answers such common questions as, "But men aren't supposed to do that to women!", "Where do I even start with this stuff?", and "But I don't want to hurt her!" If these questions sound like you, I recommend this article. This was one of the first articles I read when I was new to BDSM, and it's great.

Not surprisingly, other philosophies of male-led domination in marriage such as Taken in Hand and Christian Domestic Discipline have similar articles. Check out, for instance:

Note: Some of these links give a "Forbidden" message, but you simply need to click "Refresh" or hit "Enter" in the URL bar.

• A Noble Calling: The Husband's Role in DD
• What If He Is Horrified by the Idea?
• Reluctant Men
• Micromanagement Works For Me!

One thing I've noticed on both TiH and CDD sites is that most of the articles are written by women, for women. It's women who are running these sites, women who are writing in to beg advice for how to get their husbands to dominate them, and mostly women who initiate D/s in their relationships.

Lucky is the woman whose man has the initiative and drive to find out about D/s, learn what it is, and initiate it in their relationship. But for most couples, it's the woman who does all that work.

In A Noble Calling: A Husband's Role in DD, author Brent says:

Many women want Domestic Discipline and even initiate it by suggesting the notion to their husbands. A wise man, if he’s inclined, will take her up on it, for the joys are myriad. Women, being wise (for God made them that way since wisdom goes hand in hand with motherhood!) often realize the benefits that structure and discipline can have in their own lives and in their relationship.

Truly, while D/s isn't for everyone, some women prefer to have structure and order in their lives. Some women would rather have a confident man's man than a "nice guy." They will be happier, healthier, and feel more secure.

So man up, men!

Totally Normal Spanking Fantasies

Do you get turned on by the following?

• husbands spanking their wives after typical relationship fights?
• having a naughty wife you have to spank to keep her reigned in?
• orgasm during spankings?
• orgasm from being told a spanking or punishment story?
• bad adults being lectured and humiliated as part of their punishment?
• begging for spankings to stop?
• spankings that end in tears?
• having a bare bottom beaten mercilessly with a hairbrush or paddle?
• spanking your naughty sub like the little girl she is?

Then you'll love this article by Sera Miles, where she talks about her experience as an adult phone sex partner and all the "weird" desires that are actually totally common and normal. And although I normally write about male dominance/female submission because that is my persona experience, Ms. Miles writes about female dominance/male submission, and as such is a breath of fresh air in a community that normally focuses on female submission.

Of course, I think that going to an adult phone line for your sexual and masturbation needs is a sin, but that doesn't mean I have anything against those people personally. The Bible gives guidelines for Christians to live by, and we can't force non-believers to make the same sacrifices we do. Of course, I believe God's moral commands are the same for everyone, but being a non-believer who abstains from sin doesn't make you a believer. You have to change the soul first, then worry about the actions. So this blog isn't about the sinfulness of adult phone companies (who say they are for "distinguished gentlemen"--ha! As if! You're paying to jack off with a stranger. I mean, really!), but about what is normal in spanking fetishes. And I believe Sera Miles definitely has enough experience to know what is normal and not with her clients.

Honestly, it makes me relieved to know that many people pretend to be younger during spanking scenes. Sometimes, when my Dom spanks me, I feel like a very angry and defiant adult. But every once in a while, I feel small and tiny and want to curl up around him when he is done and be cuddled like a very small girl. I certainly felt a sigh of relief when Ms. Miles said that many of her clients feel the same way.

You know who has some other really hot spanking stories? The Christian Domestic Discipline (CDD) websites. This one in particular, a true spanking story by a CDD wife called In This Moment, I Am His! has always been such a sexy story for me. Yummm.

Excuse me for a moment while I'm lost in thought...

Oh, People Love to Make Fun of Kinky Christians

That's right, the media is having a big laugh at our expense.

I can hardly blame them.

Christians have developed a reputation for being anti-sex, anti-fun, and anti-experimentation. This isn't really fair, since fundamentalist Christians that fit that description are really only a small minority of the rest of us (10% of worldwide Christians, although they do make up 60% of U.S. Christians), but it's a pervasive picture nonetheless.

I know Christians who drink and who don't drink. I know Christians who get wasted and ones who believe it's only okay to have alcohol in small amounts. I know Christians who never touch the stuff. I know Christians who smoke pot, smoke cigarettes, have premarital sex, have gay relationships, live with their boyfriends, have anal sex, have kinky sex, and don't even kiss before they're married. Sure, some of us are sinning, but it still happens. We're pretty much all across the spectrum, but people assume we're all fundamentalists.

The Christian focus on not sinning makes us look like a bunch of people who hate sex and only advocate it within monogamous, heterosexual marriage (the first part is false, by the way).

So when we Christians have kinky sex, or write books about great vanilla married sex, the media has a hayday with it.

Personally, I enjoy hearing about the views of people who don't agree with me, although I rarely want to engage them in personal debate. Also, it's my "cheat day" from my low-carb diet, so that's reason to be happy about just about anything!

Want to read some people horrified at/making fun of kinky Christians?

There are posts on Fetlife where people say being into BDSM is inherently against Christianity.

The article Need a Good Spanking? Try CDD! claims:

With descriptions such as those, who could resist the pull of a Christian
Domestic Discipline marriage? It has it all: domestic violence, homophobia, and
the humiliation of women. I had thought my marriage, based on equality, mutual
respect, and openness was solid. I see now that I have let my selfish feminism
cloud my view.

I mean, you have to admit that fundamentalist Christians bringing about spanking is a little funny, given the way the world sees them.

Praise the Lord and Pass the Adjustable Nipple Clamps is another witty and satirical look at Christian BDSM. Poking fun, not at CDD, but at Christian full-on BDSM websites, the author quips:

But anyone who's ever asked himself, "WWJD with these tit clamps?" can find
godly direction and spiritual uplift clicking here."

I almost think that, since the general population feels very threatened by fundamentalist Christians trying to tell them how and when to have sex, they feel even more threatened when those same Christians seem to enjoy sex, even if it's (gasp!) kinky. It's hard to connect a church you've decided "hates sex and fun" so you can feel justified to ignore them and do whatever you want sexually, when those same churches you've stereotyped now have married couples practicing BDSM according to Biblical rules. It certainly breaks the mold of the "typical Christian," I'll give you that.

Even more laughs can be found at What Happens When Fundamentalists Get Into BDSM? I mean, everyone knows Christians can't have good sex and should be ashamed of the sex they do have (assuming they have sex, since so many of them have kids!). So obviously, Christians into spanking and kink must just have stolen good sex from "real" kinksters and slapped a new name on it. See below:

Pray tell, what shall you do if you are a fundamentalist Christian who is into BDSM? Well, you change the terminology and call it "Christian Domestic Discipline". Thereafter, you declare this as an "enhancement" for your traditional marriage.

As is expected, someone has spent a great deal of time and effort building a website dedicated to Christian Domestic Discipline. The webmaster is Leah Kelley and she declares herself to be virulently anti-feminist. Not only is she proudly submissive, she declares this is God's plan.

I can definitely see the point that is made about some CDD websites out there, include this critique from Beating God Into Her:

If it’s not a zany form of Christian BDSM, then the alternate explanation of CDD must be that it’s a justification for domestic abuse invoking a higher authority. That’s where it transitions from kooky to sinister.

Yeah. I mean, if women are using CDD and Christian kink to let their husbands control and abuse them, make them skinnier, or keep them from cutting their hair too short (as the article suggests), I'd say that's pretty crazy stuff.

My last laugh comes from Something Awful, one of my favorite fun-poking websites, who has this to say about Christian D/s websites:

Christians have long been missing out on the joys of BDSM, but thankfully some guy on the Internet is going to change that. He's tearing off a chunk of the secular BDSM world's skin, polishing it up, and giving it to Christians. Turns out BDSM is A-OKAY if you're a Christian, just so long as it involves a married couple and the female is always submissive. So get out those whips and chains and enjoy some good old fashioned God-sanctioned ball-gagging and anal torture. If you still have questions, this inexplicable FAQ should clear everything up.

Okay, that's funny, but Something Awful also writes about everything terrible on the internet, from people screwing dogs and their neighbor's cows, to sites that advocate mother-daughter incestuous relationships, to people who drink blood and pretend they're vampires. Do "spanking Christians" really fit into the group with dog rapists? I mean, really?

My only conclusion is that people don't want Christians to have good, kinky, fun sex. If we're trying to control them from having all the kinky, nasty, sinful, albeit consenual sex they want, then by golly, we should not be allowed to enjoy sex, either! How dare we enjoy sex within our boring, two-person, monogamous, lifelong marriages? Never mind that research shows married women in long-term marriages have better sex than our "sexually liberated," younger, single counterparts.

So when the movement that is known for homophobia, sexism, and religious intolerance starts having fun, nonconventional, kinky sex, well, that is just too much! Christians should just hunker down and have boring, non-existent sex like we want single and gay people to do.

And when we do something they don't understand, well, like most people do when they don't understand something... they fear us... they make fun of us.... and if that makes them feel better, good for them.

While they're writing a blog worrying about why devout Christians shouldn't be allowed to live out their ridiculous, scary fantasies, I'm enjoying mind-blowing sex with my husband. Oh well.

Our CDD Trial Period

This week, my Dom and I have decided to try CDD (Christian Domestic Discipline). I was very nervous about this since I adore the theory of it and find CDD to be very sexy to read about and contemplate, but whenever we've tried it I've always flipped out and backed out.

If you're not sure what Christian Domestic Discipline is, check out my blog series on it.

Anyway, we agreed to try CDD. I have slowly begun to trust my Dom to lead me more, both as a man, a dom, and especially as a Christian. I still wasn't sure I wanted to give up total control, but in the end it seemed safe enough to do--for a few days, at least.

This will be the third time we've tried this. The first time, when I was still in France, I was so terribly turned on by all the reading I'd done about CDD that I couldn't wait to try it. (I even made an emergency trip to a European sex shop for the occasion!) We talked it out and discussed CDD in depth. My Dom and I even made a list of our expectations, rules for me and responsibilities for him, plus very specific instructions for what punishments I could expect. We mutually agreed upon in and were about to start incorporating CDD into our lives... when I flipped out. I panicked--utterly panicked. I started to hyperventilate and protest that he wasn't enough of a leader, I was an adult woman, he had no right to control me, etc, etc, etc. We abandoned the effort before it began.

The same thing happened the second time.

My Dom wisely waited it out without pressuring me, knowing I'd been the one attracted to it in the first place and I'd probably come back again.

Finally, last night, we decided to try it. I was still very nervous and gun-shy, so I insisted we only do it for three days. He agreed, and our trial period is going on now.

So far, it's gone well. Our lives haven't changed much, really. But now when I do something disrespectful or mean, I get a spanking at the end of the night. I've found it to not be too bad... in fact it's quite pleasant! For one, I have accountability. For another, my Dom is actually being consistent this time around, something he didn't do as much before, and I feel safe and secure inside my new boundaries (this is paramount for a sub feeling safe to submit). And finally, the spanking is pretty darn sexy.

I can handle it because my Dom isn't spanking me when he's angry or to get back at me, which is how it appeared to me before (when I bailed). He is sure to stay very calm and loving as he tells me what my punishment is. Even though I pout, I feel safe that he has noticed and is keeping me within my boundaries; his consistency reassures me. And I feel tight inside as he describes to me how he's going to spank me and why I'm being punished. I feel loved and sexy as he gently lays me over his lap, embarrassed and turned on as he lowers my pajama bottoms to uncover my behind as though I'm a little child. It still feels fair since he asks me what I've done wrong and if I have any rebuttals about the fairness of the punishment---I can complain if I feel I'm being treated unfairly somehow. I feel small as I'm spanked, and afterward I pout and enjoy feeling small and powerless and he holds me and rubs my aching bum. In the end, we feel closer, I feel small and submissive, we both feel turned on, and I feel safe and loved. We both win.

This is going on for one more day, so we'll see how our "CDD trial run" goes!

CDD: Introduction

I have discovered a new lifestyle/philosophy that is similar to, yet distinct from, D/s BDSM relationships. This is called Domestic Discipline, or DD for short, or Christian Domestic Discipline (CDD).

DD and CDD are both marriages that have decided to make authority and discipline a part of their marriage. There is no difference in the practice of DD and CDD; the only difference is that CDD practices domestic discipline as part of a Christian tradition of male dominance and feminine submission (Ephesians 5:22-27). Whether you find sites on domestic discipline from a Christian point of view or a secular one, the webmasters often work together to promote their ideas of loving, consensual relationships where one partner has the authority.

This is very similar to the BDSM idea of D/s relationships, but people in DD relationships don't consider themselves part of the kink community. For them, spanking and punishment is not about kink or sex, but about maintaining a balanced household where both parties are cared for and loved. The leader receives reverence, respect, obedience, and 51% of decision-making responsibilities. The follower receives guidance, nurturing, care, discipline, and 49% of the decision-making. Both are required to partake in open, honest communication and to fully participate in their marriage, raising their children, and maintaining their lives.

Spanking is often the most-discussed element of DD. While spanking can be (and usually is) part of a DD household, it does not have to be. Other consequences can be used, including corner time, writing lines, or whatever the dominant person (often called HOH or Head of Household) decrees.

How is the HOH different from a Dom or Domme? Well, they're not really. They are two terms for the same figure: a dominant person in a relationship. And while DD and CDD are similar to BDSM, they are not the same.

How is domestic discipline different from BDSM? First, BDSM encompasses a large array of activities: Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, and Sadism and Masochism. DD is the same as the D/s part of BDSM, but has nothing to do with kink, bondage, sadism, or masochism. There is no pain for pain's sake. Also, DD is not "play" or a "scene." It is very real, with the HOH providing discipline and correction to change his partner's behavior, attitude, or words. It also seems that your average DD discipline is very light compared to the whips and chains we often associate with BDSM; you may see a HOH sending a disobedient wife to the corner and then bending her over his knee, but you aren't going to see them at a local munch, refering to their bedroom as a dungeon, or playing with needles, whips, St. Andrew's Crosses, or strap-on dildos. Punishment is only given when needed, and it is always intended to correct a real offence.

If you are interested in learning more about DD and CDD, please follow my links below. More will be available shortly.

CDD: Introduction (you're here now!)
CDD: Discipline and Punishment
CDD: A Typical Punishment Session
CDD: Why Women Want a Strong Man
CDD: The 3 Ds and Other Offenses
CDD: To Read More

CDD: To Read More

I've written extensively about Domestic Discipline (DD) and Christian Domestic Discipline (CDD) in this blog. To see my articles, please follow the following links:

CDD: Introduction

CDD: Discipline and Punishment

CDD: A Typical Punishment Session

CDD: Why Women Want a Strong Man

CDD: The 3 Ds and Other Offenses

CDD: To Read More

To see other websites, I've arranged a link library for you below. (Porn, pictures, and discussion forums are not included):

Domestic Discipline

Elizabeth Burns' Domestic Discipline Site

The Gentlemanly Art of Spanking the Woman You Love

Vicki Blue's Guide to Domestic Discipline

Christian Domestic Discipline

Christian Domestic Discipline

Christian Domestic Discipline Online

Leah's CDD Blog

Spanking Toys Online

E-bay: cheap paddles and floggers

Eden Fantasys: spanking gear of all types

Extreme Restraints: paddles, whips, crops, canes, slappers. Warning: nude pictures!

Healthy and Active: light toys for newbies

Rosy Bottom: specializes in spanking implements of all types

Sensual Direct: slappers and paddles

CDD: The 3 Ds and Other Offenses

In Christian Domestic Discipline (CDD) or its secular counterpart (DD), you may already know you want to start this lifestyle, have researched many links and read articles and testimonies online, and know how to warm up and deliver a good spanking. But what are punishable offenses?

You don't want to make too many rules or be too nit-picky in your rules, because if the task is impossible why would your wife bother? Take some time to sit down and talk together. The two of you should decide together what goals and rules you want to set. Remember, this is not a time for you to control her life, but a chance to help her grow and keep her emotionally and physically safe.

Several couples start small with the 3 Ds. You can eventually add on addictions, bad habits, spiritual issues, and anything else the two of you want. Remember, you can only do CDD/DD if she agrees to give you the control, and this means the two of you must agree on both the end (goals) and the means (rules and consequences.)

The 3 Ds

• Disrespect
• Disobedience
• Dishonesty
• Destructiveness (Oo, I sneaked one in! the 4th D, used by some DD/CDD websites)

Addictions

• Smoking
• Caffeine
• Shopping
• Drinking
• Alcohol
• Sugar
• Gambling
• Pornography
• Sex
• Food
• Others...?
• Please be aware that you should not ask your wife to sacrifice anything for her health that you are not willing to sacrifice as well. Also, please read the symptoms of addictions here and realize that simply enjoying and using a substance too much does NOT mean you are addicted.

Bad Habits

• Nail biting
• Tardiness
• Sarcasm
• Temper Tantrums
• Chronic Messiness
• Controlling Tendencies
• Overbooking yourself
• Sleeping in Makeup
• Lack of Higiene or Health Care
• Knuckle cracking
• Gossiping
• Others....?

Spiritual Issues

• Not attending church
• Spiritual apathy
• Not praying regularly
• Not serving others
• Not reading the Bible or finding time to worship
• Sinning

Remember, you aren't her Daddy and you aren't her boss. It is up to God to change her and decide what needs to be changed, not you. You are only to be a tool that God uses to help her change. Decide together, agree upon a suitable consequence, and stick to it.

Please remember to be fair. Don't insist she give up coffee for her health if you do not do so as well. Consider having her tone down some bad habits that may not be full addictions rather than cutting them out altogether. Only cut those things out that are for her own good, not things that simply annoy you. You are her spiritual leader, and it is up to you to make sure she stays happy, healthy, and whole.

Also, be specific. "Disrespect" means something different to all of us. What you may see as disrespectful may be how her mother always talked to her father. Make sure the two of you agree specifically on what constitutes disrespect and what does not. Give her specific, clear instructions. She cannot follow vague orders.

I hope this leads you to a happier, better marriage!

CDD: Introduction

CDD: Discipline and Punishment

CDD: A Typical Punishment Session

CDD: Why Women Want a Strong Man

CDD: The 3 Ds and Other Offenses

CDD: To Read More

CDD: Why Women Want a Strong Man

For more info on CDD, see the rest of my series:
CDD: Introduction
CDD: Discipline and Punishment
CDD: A Typical Punishment Session
CDD: Why Women Want a Strong Man
CDD: The 3 Ds and Other Offenses
CDD: To Read More

Most DD and CDD relationships (no official studies have been done, but about 75% according to one website owner) are male-HoH, female-submissive models. However, there are growing numbers of couples who find pleasure in the wife assuming the role of Head of Household (HoH). Is it possible for a woman to lead, or a gay couple to participate in DD? You betcha! However, since most of these relationships have a male head, and I myself am part of a Christian relationship working toward this model, forgive me if I seem sexist in my use of pronouns.

Why do women (or those in the submissive role of CDD/DD) want a strong leader?

Some people, aghast at the "violence" and "control" behind CDD, assume the women have once been abused to want this type of relationship. This is easily disproved by the many online testimonies of women who have never been abused and yet willingly participate in these marriages. Others believe it is a religious idea founded on old-fashioned sexism, misogyny, and male patriarchy; this can't be true since many self-proclaimed (male and female) feminists participate, and many participants are in no way religious, nor would they tolerate male domination outside their marriages. Another criticism is that the men must want all the control, but I must say I see men getting more responsibility and work than control. The last common argument against CDD is that the men force their poor wives into this; however, in my research I've noticed almost all of these CDD/DD sites are started and run by women, catering to other women who are curious about the lifestyle and want to know how to introduce their husbands.

The final conclusion one comes to is that these women must want a strong male figure in their lives. Not a king, not a master, not an owner, not a Daddy, but a strong, kind, loving, just, and firm husband.

Different theories for this desire in many women--and some men--abound.

Evolutionary Response

Mr. Fondman quotes Dr. Skynner, who points out that men have evolved to be violent, dominant, and aggressive in order to hunt food and protect their families. In today's nonviolent world, when office jobs, national security forces, and grocery stores nullify the need for overt displays of dominance, many men have "lost touch" with their masculine side. Society expects them to be calm, quiet, and kind of wussy.

"Women don't want men to fizzle away," Dr Skynner said. "They want men to be men still. They want a man who's a man, and sticks up for himself in more ways than one. If he doesn't they despise him. That's what men have to do, they have to fight it out."

Mr. Fondman believes women seem to pick fights and test men subconsciously. This is a "mate-testing mechanism." Women have a need to feel safe and secure. In the wild, they wanted a mate who would protect them from wild animals and attacking men. They needed this for the safety of their homes and their children--for their very lives.

So the woman doesn't want to wait til the wild animals are at the door. She wants to test the man NOW, while danger is still far away; she tests him herself to see if he is the type to stand up and say, "Enough!" or slink away from a fight. Today, women may not need protection from Huns and wolves, but they do need protection--from rapists, terrorists, hateful mothers, back-stabbing friends, and soul-draining jobs. They need to know they and their children are physically and emotionally safe. Mr. Fondman believes this is why women "test" their husbands when they are feeling insecure, upset, or unsure about their husband's resolve. If he stands up to her, she feels safe and reassured; if he retreats, sulks, explodes in anger, or acts like a wimp, evolution tells this women to pack up and move on to the next--stronger--man!

He points out,

"Many women cannot abide men who do not stand their ground. Many women fall out of love with a man who doesn't deal decisively with the shit a woman can dish out."

If this is true, there is indeed an evolutionary basis for women seeking authority and boundaries from a strong, confident, and loving man.

God-given Basis

Judaism, Christianity, and Islam all are well-known for their male-dominated cultures. Indeed, male domination can be found many times in the Bible. After the fall of humanity in Genesis, Eve had just shown herself to be a confident and headstrong woman, while Adam had proved himself to be a meek follower (Genesis 3:6). Yet God gave them the opposite roles: he made Adam the head over the woman (Genesis 3:16). Whether you take this tale to be a literal account or a metaphor, it seems even the ancient Hebrews recognized a divine source of male leadership and a female longing for authority.

The New Testament says women are not to have authority over men (1 Timothy 2:12), wives are to submit to their husbands (1 Peter 3:1, Ephesians 5:22), and husbands are to love their wives and make them holier, improving them as people (Ephesians 5:23-27).

Given this, there is religious grounds for a matrimony in which the husband submits to God and the wife submits to God and to her husband.

Harmonious Marriage

Many women claim CDD creates a more peaceful, harmonious marriage. With no one fighting for the upper hand, there can be no power struggles. With no power struggles, more peace ensures. This does not mean the women are doormats who do not get a say; ideally, a husband will ask her advice, discuss with her, listen to her contributions, and they will decide together. However, when no agreement is possible, if both parties already agree that the man's decision is final, it can make difficult decisions much shorter and less painful.

Security

I myself am drawn to CDD because of the security it offers. I am fully capable of handling life, but at times I don't want to. With so many demands on my time and energy, I feel I can't relax and enjoy life the way God intended me to. What a relief when my partner says calmly, "I'll take care of that," and then does!

One woman on ChristianDomisticDiscipline.com says:

I am no longer in control, & I love that! I asked for it all to cease out of
fear; but knowing that, he pushes on. I am helpless & completely at his
mercy. Isn't it amazing that I have never felt more loved or cherished than I do
in this moment right now.

These are some of the common theories; choose the one you like or none at all. Below, I discuss some unintentional consequences of women craving the firm leadership of a strong, loving male.

Bratting
"Bratting" is when a woman purposefully misbehaves in order to receive a punishment. This is an example of the woman needlessly pushing or testing the man to make him react. Not only is it manipulative, but it's incredibly tempting! Many times I "brat" without even realizing I'm doing it. Whether I need attention or just reassurance that he is still my strong man I don't know. If he asked me if I were bratting, I'd honestly and with full astonishment insist, "No!"

The truth is, sometimes women want to test their boundaries to make sure they are still there, to make sure they are still safe within them. This is why some couples practice "maintenance spanking," which is a ritual spanking for no reason every week or month, so the woman knows her man is still holding strong and protecting her and can get a needed emotional release. Others will have "erotic spanking," which means they incorporate spanking for pleasure and fun. Or perhaps the man simply needs to step up and act more firm and confident that day, or perhaps ask her what her fears are and reassure her. One woman says:

I also find that when I get worried, or start to feel insecure about anything, I act up - which is his clue that I'm looking for a physical statement that he has everything under control.

Because bratting can become a real headache for both parties, always give a spanking to the recipient who requests it. No one requests pain for no reason; if your wife feels she needs a spanking, whether to keep her in line, make her feel secure and loved, give her a needed release and catharsis, or feel your strength, if she needs it, you supply it.

"Test the Man's Resolve Mode"

Mr. Fondman explains this far better than I ever could, building off his previously-mentioned Evolutionary Theory.

This in-built, instinctive "man testing" mechanism, (Lord forgive them for they know not what they do) is obviously an evolutionary advantage since women need a man who can defend her and her children against wild animals and the Hun. She does not want to find out that her man is weak when the Hun come over the horizon - the automatic test method has evolved to detect signs of weakness during ordinary life, when the Hun are likely to be far away and while she has time to seek out another man. (A successful quest leads to the most dangerous manoeuvre in a woman's life - buttering up the new man, without arousing aggression in the first and then leaving the first one for the second without getting killed in the process - but this is getting off topic.)

So she leaves the man who does not act decisively and falls in love with the biggest brute she can find, often dreaming that she can win his heart and make him tender and caring towards her, but remain a pushy bastard towards everyone else. Such a bloke, if he is truly the leading, action packed man she seeks, won't take any nonsense when she (instinctively and non-deliberately) taunts him. The right bloke will hit out - hopefully putting her over his knee and belabouring her backside in no uncertain fashion. The wrong bloke will think twice, will try to negotiate and appease. This is not the behaviour associated with real hunters and protectors - so the whingeing woman thing can be seen as an instinctively driven test (handed down and refined over tens of thousands of our ancestor's generations) to sort the men from the wimps at an early stage. A successful result is the man taking no time at all to quell the misbehaviour (hers or anyone else's) - with bluff or commanding instructions, backed up by physical force - or simply with physical force. An unsuccessful result is a man who backs down, who hopes it goes away - perhaps even a man who doesn't spank hard.

Note: "whingeing" is a British term for whining.

CDD: A Typical Punishment Session

If you've decided to try out Domestic Discipline (and please note that both of you must agree to this!), it may help to have an idea of what to expect during a typical punishment session.



Before It Turns Into a Fight: Don't let it escalate into a shouting match. Yes, you both need to be heard, but fighting and screaming won't help. If a fight is emminent, use your calm, authoritative voice to say, "Stop right here. You need to go _______ to calm down. Then we can talk." She will probably keep trying to fight, but be firm and refuse to fight. Eventually she will storm away and sulk. Once you are both calmer, let both of you air out your disagreements, making sure you both remain respectful (even if she is emotional, she can be respectful). Then calmly inform her of what behaviors you did not like and what her consequence will be.



If It Isn't a Fight: Sometimes she will misbehave without it turning into a fight. For example, perhaps you've both agreed she must not spend over $_____ or she must stop drinking coffee (don't have her sacrifice anything you don't do as well!). If she misbehaves, simply say, "You know what this means. Please go into the bedroom and wait for me there." If you like, have her set out the implements for you. I prefer my Dom/HoH to get the implements out instead, as it gives me a terrible fright waiting for him and watching him get ready.



Before You Punish: It is up to you if you want her to strip down or you want to do it for her as part of the punishment. I personally prefer when the HoH instructs me to strip down to my panties and kneel over the bed. I can lay there on the bed for as long as it takes him to enter, dreading what's coming and thinking about what I did. Then when he comes in, I wait patiently while he fastens soft cuffs around my wrists (do not tie up a woman who does not want to be tied! I request the cuffs because otherwise I find it impossible to stay still during the spanking) and he removes my panties for me.



This is a good time to discuss what she did wrong. Examples include: "Do you know why we're here? Bend over and present your bottom. What did you do wrong? Can you tell me why you're being punished? Can you think of any good reason you should not be spanked?" This gives you a chance to clearly state what transgression occurred, for her to accept responsibility, and for her to give you a real reason her punishment should be lesser or nonexistent--don't let her out for no reason, but make sure you ARE punishing her fairly before you start smacking.



During the Punishment: Watch carefully for the phases she goes through.

1. First she will try to hold out through the pain, because she is stubborn and strong!


2. Gradually she will begin to show signs of distress. Some women will cry, others will scream, others will thrash, and others will beg and plead. You must know your own wife here--if she cries easily, don't let her off at the first sign of tears! On the other hand, if she never cries, don't keep going just to make it happen.


3. Don't stop once you get her to tears or some other sign of acute pain. This is what a punishment is for. Keep going, without letting up or slowing down, and even hitting harder. She is going to start sobbing and screaming and pleading, but don't give up now.


4. She will eventually hit the peak of her emotional response, called "fight or flight." At this point she is absolutely crazy with pain and will do anything to get you to stop. You are getting her close to where you want her! Watch carefully for her unique "fight or flight" response.


5. Then she will start to submit. She may not be truly sorry yet, but she is in enough pain that she will physically and verbally submit to you, tell you she is sorry, and swear she's learned her lesson. This is up to you. Some women will mean it, but others will use their tears to fake it.


6. I've read that you should keep pounding away at her (as long as she isn't seriously injured!) "until her cries go past the point of sincerity and have a ring of desperation in them."


7. When you let her up, you will be able to tell if you've done your work. If she was faking it, she'll pop up all ticked off and refuse to talk to you. You haven't finished getting through to her in this case; bend her over again. A truly repentant woman will be sorrowful, clingy, remorseful, and emotional, probably clinging to you and sobbing apologies.

After the punishment: You can never forget aftercare. You must remember that this is for her good, because you love her, and not because you are mean or angry. This is a time when you must hold her, tuck her into bed, take care of her, murmur to her, rub aloe on her sore backside, and otherwise remind her how much you adore her and how you are not willing to see anybody--even herself--hurt her or put her in danger.

CDD: Introduction

CDD: Discipline and Punishment
CDD: A Typical Punishment Session
CDD: Why Women Want a Strong Man
CDD: The 3 Ds and Other Offenses
CDD: To Read More

CDD: Discipline and Punishment

In (Christian) Domestic Discipline--or (C)DD--how does the Head of Household (HOH) start maintaining discipline? It might seem difficult to boss around a grown, capable, mature, successful, intelligent woman whom you love deeply. Or, for some couples in DD, the wife is the authoritarian figure and she must discipline her wonderful husband.

The trick here is to remember that in CDD, punishing does not mean the giver is superior and the recipient is inferior. So often in our society the one doling out the punishment is superior in rank and age: a parent to a child, a sergeant to a private, or a principal to a student.

Yet this is not always so. In some cases, such as a husband to a wife or a boss to an employee, one person is in a position of authority but this does not necessarily make them smarter, better, older, or wiser. Many bosses have to give guidance, correction, and sometimes even discipline to their employees, but I think everyone at that job understands the superior is only in a position of authority because that makes the workplace run smoother--it does not mean the boss is a better person in any way.

The same is true in DD relationships.

Perhaps you are a HOH and your wife is older than you, or smarter, or makes more money, or is better educated, or more mature in some areas. Congratulations for marrying such a great gal! I have no doubt that in a marriage, each of you has different strengths and weaknesses. Perhaps she is a genuis at balancing the checkbook but you are great at maintaining the lawn and cars. Maybe you're a better singer but she is better at tennis. Either way, being in a position of authority does not mean you think she is lesser than you, but simply that you realize God has given you a responsibility to love and honor your wife (Ephesians 5:27-30) and you owe her that! She deserves a strong, loving, manly shoulder to lean on at the end of the day, and that is where you come in.

A good leader doesn't use his power to boss her around, question her about everywhere she goes and everyone she talks to, and insist on being right about everything. No, that is not a leader--that is a bully and an insecure shell of a man.

Rather, a good leader is one with the strength to guide her and support her, the humility to serve her and admit when he's wrong, and the confidence to let her make her own decisions. A good leader will recognize his wife's strengths and rely on those; he will likewise be aware of her weaknesses and help her to improve and grow.

There is a difference between discipline and punishment. Discipline is to correct a bad behavior, such as swearing or smoking, while punishment is simply a consequence of that behavior, even if she is already sorry and willing to stop. It is up to you to decide when discipline and punishment are called for and what the consequences will be.

Here is what good discipline and punishment are not:

• micromanaging and controlling her life, decisions, and finances
• an excuse to vent your anger
• a reason to never admit you're wrong or admit her strengths
• too harsh
• too lenient
• threats without following through (NEVER threaten! She gets one calm warning and then you act.)
• done in anger or wrath
• gone in a wishy-washy way or every so often, when you are in the mood

Here is what good discipline and punishment are:

• guiding her to a fuller, happier, healthier life
• providing healthy boundaries for her and consequences when she oversteps them
• fitting the crime
• as immediate as possible (it loses its effectivity if you wait)
• followed through consistently, every time, without fail
• done calmly, without anger, and thoroughly
• given with a clear reason for why she is receiving this, with lots of communication before and after
• given in a calm, authoritative voice

Your wife is an intelligent, grown woman: she knows when the punishment fits the crime. If you dole out too much because you are angry or insecure, she knows--and loses respect for you. If you make it too light because you are being nice--she knows, and loses respect for you. If you lose control of your temper--she knows, and loses respect for you. If you do something that is not for her own good but for yours--she knows, and loses respect for you. If you tell her she's getting a spanking and then let her off the hook for good behavior--she knows, and loses respect for you.

So, once you have an idea of when to punish, how and where do you go about it?

Where: The "where" is easy. It should be at home, somewhere private, away from the children and other family members. There should be no distractions like music, tv, or phone. No one else should know about this private part of your lives. It is best to pick a "place" for a punishment that is the same every time--for example, a particular corner where she always stands, or always having her kneeling over the same part of the bed. This will make the punishment stand out in her mind and hit home.

How: There are three main components of how to do an effective punishment: Authoritative Voice, Implements, and Types of Punishments.

Authoritative Voice

The voice you use is probably more important than the punishment you give. You should speak in lower tones than normal. Your voice should be calm, controlled, yet strong and commanding. You shouldn't sound enraged or choked up with emotion, although some slight annoyance is okay. It is best if you speak slowly, clearly, and sternly, using a deep voice that brokes no argument.

Implements

Spanking with the hand is common, but I'm not a huge fan--it doesn't hurt much, feels annoying, and is impossible to hit both cheeks evenly. While you may want to warm her up with 15-20 hand strokes (or 50-60, if you're going to be spanking very hard!!!) before using another implement.

Also try using different implements during the punishment. This keeps your hand from getting tired, gives her skin a rest, and protects her from serious injury. It also causes new and different types of pain. You may also want to make her do "corner time" or lie still between different sessions of a spanking, if you are going to be meting out a harsh punishment. This gives both of you time to rest, her time to reflect on what she did, you time to calmly tell her what she did wrong and how she will behave in the future, and her body to recuperate from a severe beating. (For example, if you're doing 50 strokes, that might be okay in 1 setting, but if you're doing 200 you need to break it up into segments of 50 or 30.)

Here is a list of implements you might try:

• your hand: put her Over The Knee (OTK) and warm her up on both cheeks evenly; this provides more body contact between you.
• wooden paddle: when this is a punishment, less body contact may be desirable. Spank both cheeks evenly, and don't let up or pause if it's a punishment. This will smart and bruise.
• leather belt: to get a better aim and more swinging room, have her lie flat on her tummy on the bed and place some pillows under her buttocks to give you a clear target.
• clean fly swatter: useful for multiple hard, fast stings (you can do several per second!) that sting badly but don't do much internal bruising. Make sure you get both cheeks evenly when using smaller implements like this.
• leather strap: much like the belt; you probably won't have this lying around and will have to buy one.
• leather slapper: this will sting terribly and bring screams or tears. This will leaves marks the next day, but not go deep enough into the tissue to bruise.
• hairbrush: very painful and good for rapid strokes, but with all small implements be sure to get both sides evenly.
• wooden spoon: same as the hairbrush. Clean before cooking with it again. :)
• plastic spatula: see above two.

Types of Punishments

Spanking is definitely not the only type of punishment used in CDD. Here are a few more ideas. The best idea might be to ask your wife, because she can tell you what works for her and what does not work for her. Remember, you aren't trying to tick her off or make her feel unloved, but to lovingly correct a behavior. Only she can tell you what pushes her buttons. Some women with past issues may have a hard time being spanked with certain implements, or held down a certain way, or punished while you're angry, and you should respect this.

• corner time
• writing lines
• writing a letter accepting responsibility and of apology
• extra chores
• loss of priveleges
• serving you somehow

These can be used before or after spankings, or in between if you are doing a multi-session spanking. These can also be used alone for minor infractions. However, some women prefer the spanking, and this should be respected---never say no to a woman who requests a spanking, for this will avoid her purposefully misbehaving just to get it later.

CDD: Introduction
CDD: Discipline and Punishment
CDD: A Typical Punishment Session
CDD: Why Women Want a Strong Man
CDD: The 3 Ds and Other Offenses
CDD: To Read More