This pregnancy is getting hard again as we get to the end. I'm not sure I can take many more weeks of being this angry version of myself. And my poor Dom....
Sex, I'm finding, is centering for me. It helps me feel happier and normal--more me--afterward. But it is hard to find time to get sex in when we are so busy with his job and then running around getting errands run and the nursery painted and a million things to do.
Suddenly I'm so tired. All the time. I wake up tired. I go to bed tired. I'm not sure anyone who hasn't been pregnant or severely jet-lagged will understand.
As I get more emotional, sleep-deprived, and cranky, I'm finding D/s becomes even more important to me. My emotions are getting out of my control. I need the control. I need him to make sure I am polite to strangers in the store and not a glowering, rude version of myself. I need him to make sure my tone and temper toward him are not getting out of hand. I need him to make sure I do not sit on the couch all day feeling too depressed and overwhelmed to get anything done, and therefore not get anything done. The more my life gets hectic and overwhelming, the more I need the structure and gentle correction of him managing my life.
This will be a new phase for us. We'll see how he does at providing that direction and "gentle correction" when he is busy with a hectic job and emotional, sometimes-volatile wife. And then again when the baby arrives and we are so much busier.
If any of you have children, how did you and your partner navigate through late pregnancy and early parenthood?
Showing posts with label pregnancy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pregnancy. Show all posts
7/11/2011
6/08/2011
Precious Cargo
He starts to undress me. I whimper.
His hands pause. "What's the matter?" he asks me.
Blindfolded, I cower into the bed. "I don't like my stomach," I whimper.
"You're beautiful," he says, as his hands continue to remove my clothes.
_____________________________________
I am kneeling on the bed, eyes closed.
"Get into the inspection position," he tells me.
I pause, confused.
"The nadu," he clarifies.
I whimper (my sound of protest without saying "No").
I know it, but we've never done slave positions before. "I'm not a slave," I pout.
Yet I always thought it was such a beautiful posture of submission.
"What are you?" he asks.
"I don't know," I say, sounding suddenly afraid.
He smiles. "I know what you are," he says soothingly. "You're mine." He sounds happy about this.
I assume the nadu position, eyes still closed.
But I fidget. I am uncomfortable here. Do I put my hands palms up, or touch my middle finger to my thumb? I flex my hands.
"Stay still," he commands. "You're not doing your hands right."
A little affronted, but eyes still closed, I pout, "I'm not sure what to do. Some photos this way," I put my hands palms up, "but Jake's Kajira does this way," I touch my middle finger and thumb.
"Do what you've seen people in real life do," he encourages me, patient in this, my first time.
I touch my fingers together, zen-like, the way I've seen Jake's Kajira in her photos. I always thought that was a beautiful photo of her.
He blindfolds me.
I feel warm breath on my back. Feathery-light kisses. My skin prickles.
Soft, warm kisses up my back. Calm. Warm kisses on my neck. Relaxed.
Feathery kisses on my arms. I tremble.
I feel his soft breath across my breasts. My breathing quickens. He moves to my stomach.
I tense. Suck in my breath. Try, unsuccessfully, to suck in my stomach.
"Relax," he breathes through his kisses.
"I can't," I whisper. "I have to hold in my stomach."
The kisses leave my body. I hear his voice, soft and sure, in front of my face.
He kisses me lovingly on the lips.
"I want you," he whispers. "I want all of you." I start to tremble.
"I want your submission, your mind, your heart, all of you," he continues.
A dream come true, someone who wants all of you.
We'd just talked about how I am afraid...
Afraid my submission will be too much, more than he wants.
Afraid of my changing body,
Who am I if I'm not thin and young and sexy?
Afraid of the possible depth of my own emotional clinginess and neediness if I let that control go.
He speaks to me as through a dream.
He says the words I need to hear.
I melt.
I am his.
_____________________________________
Later...
Later, in the kitchen, he hugs me.
I feel so close.
But I pull away, self-conscious.
"I don't like my stomach," I explain, apologetic.
He pulls me toward him.
"I don't like how my stomach is the first thing that touches you now," I further explain.
He looks at me.
Smiles down at me.
And says simply:
"But you've got precious cargo in there."
He lightly touches my stomach, careful not to hurt.
"Remember," he says, "You're carrying the second most important person in the world to me in there."
He turns to get a glass of water from the sink.
I pause, struck by the thought.
Precious cargo.
He likes my growing stomach.
He doesn't mind when it hits him first when we hug. He doesn't mind that it makes sex more awkward every week.
Because I am carrying precious cargo.
His hands pause. "What's the matter?" he asks me.
Blindfolded, I cower into the bed. "I don't like my stomach," I whimper.
"You're beautiful," he says, as his hands continue to remove my clothes.
_____________________________________
I am kneeling on the bed, eyes closed.
"Get into the inspection position," he tells me.
I pause, confused.
"The nadu," he clarifies.
I whimper (my sound of protest without saying "No").
I know it, but we've never done slave positions before. "I'm not a slave," I pout.
Yet I always thought it was such a beautiful posture of submission.
"What are you?" he asks.
"I don't know," I say, sounding suddenly afraid.
He smiles. "I know what you are," he says soothingly. "You're mine." He sounds happy about this.
I assume the nadu position, eyes still closed.
But I fidget. I am uncomfortable here. Do I put my hands palms up, or touch my middle finger to my thumb? I flex my hands.
"Stay still," he commands. "You're not doing your hands right."
A little affronted, but eyes still closed, I pout, "I'm not sure what to do. Some photos this way," I put my hands palms up, "but Jake's Kajira does this way," I touch my middle finger and thumb.
"Do what you've seen people in real life do," he encourages me, patient in this, my first time.
I touch my fingers together, zen-like, the way I've seen Jake's Kajira in her photos. I always thought that was a beautiful photo of her.
He blindfolds me.
I feel warm breath on my back. Feathery-light kisses. My skin prickles.
Soft, warm kisses up my back. Calm. Warm kisses on my neck. Relaxed.
Feathery kisses on my arms. I tremble.
I feel his soft breath across my breasts. My breathing quickens. He moves to my stomach.
I tense. Suck in my breath. Try, unsuccessfully, to suck in my stomach.
"Relax," he breathes through his kisses.
"I can't," I whisper. "I have to hold in my stomach."
The kisses leave my body. I hear his voice, soft and sure, in front of my face.
He kisses me lovingly on the lips.
"I want you," he whispers. "I want all of you." I start to tremble.
"I want your submission, your mind, your heart, all of you," he continues.
A dream come true, someone who wants all of you.
We'd just talked about how I am afraid...
Afraid my submission will be too much, more than he wants.
Afraid of my changing body,
Who am I if I'm not thin and young and sexy?
Afraid of the possible depth of my own emotional clinginess and neediness if I let that control go.
He speaks to me as through a dream.
He says the words I need to hear.
I melt.
I am his.
_____________________________________
Later...
Later, in the kitchen, he hugs me.
I feel so close.
But I pull away, self-conscious.
"I don't like my stomach," I explain, apologetic.
He pulls me toward him.
"I don't like how my stomach is the first thing that touches you now," I further explain.
He looks at me.
Smiles down at me.
And says simply:
"But you've got precious cargo in there."
He lightly touches my stomach, careful not to hurt.
"Remember," he says, "You're carrying the second most important person in the world to me in there."
He turns to get a glass of water from the sink.
I pause, struck by the thought.
Precious cargo.
He likes my growing stomach.
He doesn't mind when it hits him first when we hug. He doesn't mind that it makes sex more awkward every week.
Because I am carrying precious cargo.
5/15/2011
Sexy Showers and D/s questions
My Dom and I are trying, still again, to find the right balance to our D/s dynamic.
It can be really hard. D/s is just like any other aspect of our lives: our marriage, our sex life, our D/s dynamic, our finances. It takes a while of jiggling things around and talking and fighting and complaining and communicating and changing things until we find a vibe that fits right for both of us. I feel like, by now, we've gotten the marriage part figured out. We had trouble adjusting at the beginning but now we've settled into a groove that works for both of us. But the sex and D/s part? Those are more difficult.
They are definitely improving, don't get me wrong. But sometimes we see things differently. We are trying to create our own brand of D/s that is as full-time or part-time, as intense or laid back, as we want it. We are also trying to maintain D/s that fits us as Christians. While we've explored CDD and Taken in Hand, and those are very similar to what we want, I think what we're leaning toward lately is a bit closer to traditional D/s, only with a Christian dynamic.
It doesn't help when we argue about it or fight over whose fault it is that we don't have a perfect romance book-style D/s relationship. This is usually my fault, but the other night he told me he didn't think I was capable of D/s because I'm too emotionally inconsistent and getting a taste of my own medicine really hurt my feelings. Why bother to work at building a kind of relationship your partner doesn't even think you're capable of? Yet, as with so many things in a marriage, it is easy to turn to blaming others when things don't go right instead of communicating.
While I tend to complain and blame more, it's also hard because he doesn't communicate as well or as readily as I do. He doesn't feel the need for constant talking about our D/s relationship to maintain it that way I do. He is a man of actions, while I am a woman of words. Of course I want actions too, such as him following through with what he says he'll do, but I prefer to have the words first. If I'm not clearly given a command or specifically told what to do or not do, and then he punishes me for not doing it, I feel it is unfair since the expectations were not clearly, VERBALLY, stated.
My Dom sees a D/s relationship as one where the sub submits readily; I see it as one where I am forced to submit. Both these are valid kinds of submission; for instance, CDD is more similar to what my husband wants, and Taken in Hand is more similar to what I want, and I've seen BDSM-style D/s relationships that work both ways, although I think they are more often what my Dom prefers.
My Dom thinks scenes and domination should just happen organically and not seem too forced; I want to be in fairly constantly communication about our D/s and work at it all the time to make sure we sustain the lifestyle 100% of the time and not just when it "happens."
My Dom thinks a scene can be a success even if I don't like it. I used to think he was wrong, but now I can see his point. For instance, last weekend he tortured my nipples and spanked me for fighting him. I never got past my "mad-pissed-off-sub" headspace into my "calm, happy sub" headspace, because the pain escalated too fast and was never an enjoyable pain for me. I was just in a mood, I guess. I didn't think it was fair that he spanked me for fighting pain, when it is such a natural reaction! I also didn't think it was fair that he spanked me for fighting him, when the reason I was fighting was because he was accidentally pressing into my pregnant stomach and causing pain, but I couldn't tell him that due to the gag.
So at the end of the scene, I was pissed instead of calm, drowsy, and submissive. I thought the scene was a failure, but I was wrong. Although I didn't like the way he did it at the time, he still dominated me, and I still felt dominated, even if I was pissy about it. Later that night, I dressed up for him and wore more makeup than I had in a long, long time. I was more worried about what he wanted me to wear than before. I asked him what perfume I should wear and which eyeshadow color he'd prefer me in. At dinner with our friends, I got up and got him a plate of food without being asked. The next day, I acquiesced to sex even when I wasn't really interested, and afterward, I gave him head while kneeling before him in the shower and soaping his body with my hands. Instead of seeing fellatio as a chore, I actually enjoyed these actions, and was able to relax and let him slide farther down my throat than I had before. At the end of the shower, I even got him a towel and brought his clothes into the bathroom for him.
These actions are NOT things I'd do in my normal headspace. I'm not a naturally submissive person. In fact, my feminist mother would be ashamed I did those things at all. But I noticed that I was doing them. I wanted to please. I wanted him to be happy. And I wanted to serve him.
Obviously, I was wrong about the bad scene = bad domination. Just because I didn't like the scene at the time, I assumed it was not a success. Boy, was I wrong! We had the hottest time ever in the shower. The pain he caused me and the control he wielded had an effect on my psyche, even when I did not enjoy the pain, and it caused me to feel more submissive for the next day.
We are also trying to figure out questions like: What do we do on days when I don't feel as submissive? When he doesn't feel as dominant? How do we keep D/s alive all the time and not just in the bedroom? How can he make me feel submissive without causing me physical pain? How do I maintain that great "subby" feeling without getting sad and mopey 24 hours later? How do we maintain D/s in a non-sexual way? I'm in favor of more rules, but my Dom is more laid back and doesn't like to make and enforce a lot of rules like some Doms do. These are questions we are trying to find the answers to.
As always, you can expect I'll be blogging about the journey to find the answers. :)
It can be really hard. D/s is just like any other aspect of our lives: our marriage, our sex life, our D/s dynamic, our finances. It takes a while of jiggling things around and talking and fighting and complaining and communicating and changing things until we find a vibe that fits right for both of us. I feel like, by now, we've gotten the marriage part figured out. We had trouble adjusting at the beginning but now we've settled into a groove that works for both of us. But the sex and D/s part? Those are more difficult.
They are definitely improving, don't get me wrong. But sometimes we see things differently. We are trying to create our own brand of D/s that is as full-time or part-time, as intense or laid back, as we want it. We are also trying to maintain D/s that fits us as Christians. While we've explored CDD and Taken in Hand, and those are very similar to what we want, I think what we're leaning toward lately is a bit closer to traditional D/s, only with a Christian dynamic.
It doesn't help when we argue about it or fight over whose fault it is that we don't have a perfect romance book-style D/s relationship. This is usually my fault, but the other night he told me he didn't think I was capable of D/s because I'm too emotionally inconsistent and getting a taste of my own medicine really hurt my feelings. Why bother to work at building a kind of relationship your partner doesn't even think you're capable of? Yet, as with so many things in a marriage, it is easy to turn to blaming others when things don't go right instead of communicating.
While I tend to complain and blame more, it's also hard because he doesn't communicate as well or as readily as I do. He doesn't feel the need for constant talking about our D/s relationship to maintain it that way I do. He is a man of actions, while I am a woman of words. Of course I want actions too, such as him following through with what he says he'll do, but I prefer to have the words first. If I'm not clearly given a command or specifically told what to do or not do, and then he punishes me for not doing it, I feel it is unfair since the expectations were not clearly, VERBALLY, stated.
My Dom sees a D/s relationship as one where the sub submits readily; I see it as one where I am forced to submit. Both these are valid kinds of submission; for instance, CDD is more similar to what my husband wants, and Taken in Hand is more similar to what I want, and I've seen BDSM-style D/s relationships that work both ways, although I think they are more often what my Dom prefers.
My Dom thinks scenes and domination should just happen organically and not seem too forced; I want to be in fairly constantly communication about our D/s and work at it all the time to make sure we sustain the lifestyle 100% of the time and not just when it "happens."
My Dom thinks a scene can be a success even if I don't like it. I used to think he was wrong, but now I can see his point. For instance, last weekend he tortured my nipples and spanked me for fighting him. I never got past my "mad-pissed-off-sub" headspace into my "calm, happy sub" headspace, because the pain escalated too fast and was never an enjoyable pain for me. I was just in a mood, I guess. I didn't think it was fair that he spanked me for fighting pain, when it is such a natural reaction! I also didn't think it was fair that he spanked me for fighting him, when the reason I was fighting was because he was accidentally pressing into my pregnant stomach and causing pain, but I couldn't tell him that due to the gag.
So at the end of the scene, I was pissed instead of calm, drowsy, and submissive. I thought the scene was a failure, but I was wrong. Although I didn't like the way he did it at the time, he still dominated me, and I still felt dominated, even if I was pissy about it. Later that night, I dressed up for him and wore more makeup than I had in a long, long time. I was more worried about what he wanted me to wear than before. I asked him what perfume I should wear and which eyeshadow color he'd prefer me in. At dinner with our friends, I got up and got him a plate of food without being asked. The next day, I acquiesced to sex even when I wasn't really interested, and afterward, I gave him head while kneeling before him in the shower and soaping his body with my hands. Instead of seeing fellatio as a chore, I actually enjoyed these actions, and was able to relax and let him slide farther down my throat than I had before. At the end of the shower, I even got him a towel and brought his clothes into the bathroom for him.
These actions are NOT things I'd do in my normal headspace. I'm not a naturally submissive person. In fact, my feminist mother would be ashamed I did those things at all. But I noticed that I was doing them. I wanted to please. I wanted him to be happy. And I wanted to serve him.
Obviously, I was wrong about the bad scene = bad domination. Just because I didn't like the scene at the time, I assumed it was not a success. Boy, was I wrong! We had the hottest time ever in the shower. The pain he caused me and the control he wielded had an effect on my psyche, even when I did not enjoy the pain, and it caused me to feel more submissive for the next day.
We are also trying to figure out questions like: What do we do on days when I don't feel as submissive? When he doesn't feel as dominant? How do we keep D/s alive all the time and not just in the bedroom? How can he make me feel submissive without causing me physical pain? How do I maintain that great "subby" feeling without getting sad and mopey 24 hours later? How do we maintain D/s in a non-sexual way? I'm in favor of more rules, but my Dom is more laid back and doesn't like to make and enforce a lot of rules like some Doms do. These are questions we are trying to find the answers to.
As always, you can expect I'll be blogging about the journey to find the answers. :)
2/10/2011
Does Marriage Ruin Sex?
I was looking back over the emails my husband (who was then my boyfriend) and I wrote when I lived in Europe.
Boy, were they sexy.
We weren't having sex yet, but I think that made our chemistry better.
We talked so much about what we wanted.... our desires, our fantasies, our hopes. Because we weren't together, we spent a lot of phone time and chat time discussing our sexual histories and what we hoped for. We talked about what we thought was hot. I did research on BDSM and shared links and ideas with him.
All that talking about communicating got me... really hot and bothered.
I think the word for what we were doing is "seduction."
Now that we live in the same house and can actually have sex, it's lost a lot of its appeal for me. I think for me, sex is 95% mental. We can be having sex, and it feels good, and I might even have an orgasm that ranks at about a 4 on a 1-10 scale, but then he'll tell me to call him daddy or say something really wrong and sexy and I'll have an orgasm that's WAY better, completely based on what he just said and no what he was doing.
People say your biggest sex organ is your brain. I guess they are right, for me at least.
It's a lot less sexy to have sex when you just.... have sex. It's a lot hotter when you can't have sex, and you're forced to talk about it and want it and wish for it and imagine it without ever getting to experience it.
Marriage has ruined the "sexy wrong" part of sex for me. It's a bummer, I know. But it's taken away about 97% of what I thought was hot and sexy anyway. Now, even if we talk about it or communicate, I just feel like we're talking so we can go into the bedroom and do it, not for the pure sexy pleasure of talking about it. And when I feel pressured to do it, like I know it's expected, it again makes it a lot less sexy.
Being pregnant, I'm having a LOT of horny dreams lately. In my dreams, I'm completely turned on and my husband is usually teasing me for hours or punishing me.
In real life? We just don't have time for that anymore. We don't have 3 hours to set up a scene and slowly torture me, screw with my head, make me cry, turn me on, and then have sex. Maybe if we ever had the same days off, but we don't. Plus he hates to tie me up or choke me or upset me too much when I'm pregnant, which I totally understand.
But I'm re-reading our old emails, and I think they're very sexy and hot. Maybe we can get that back some day.
Let's hope!
Boy, were they sexy.
We weren't having sex yet, but I think that made our chemistry better.
We talked so much about what we wanted.... our desires, our fantasies, our hopes. Because we weren't together, we spent a lot of phone time and chat time discussing our sexual histories and what we hoped for. We talked about what we thought was hot. I did research on BDSM and shared links and ideas with him.
All that talking about communicating got me... really hot and bothered.
I think the word for what we were doing is "seduction."
Now that we live in the same house and can actually have sex, it's lost a lot of its appeal for me. I think for me, sex is 95% mental. We can be having sex, and it feels good, and I might even have an orgasm that ranks at about a 4 on a 1-10 scale, but then he'll tell me to call him daddy or say something really wrong and sexy and I'll have an orgasm that's WAY better, completely based on what he just said and no what he was doing.
People say your biggest sex organ is your brain. I guess they are right, for me at least.
It's a lot less sexy to have sex when you just.... have sex. It's a lot hotter when you can't have sex, and you're forced to talk about it and want it and wish for it and imagine it without ever getting to experience it.
Marriage has ruined the "sexy wrong" part of sex for me. It's a bummer, I know. But it's taken away about 97% of what I thought was hot and sexy anyway. Now, even if we talk about it or communicate, I just feel like we're talking so we can go into the bedroom and do it, not for the pure sexy pleasure of talking about it. And when I feel pressured to do it, like I know it's expected, it again makes it a lot less sexy.
Being pregnant, I'm having a LOT of horny dreams lately. In my dreams, I'm completely turned on and my husband is usually teasing me for hours or punishing me.
In real life? We just don't have time for that anymore. We don't have 3 hours to set up a scene and slowly torture me, screw with my head, make me cry, turn me on, and then have sex. Maybe if we ever had the same days off, but we don't. Plus he hates to tie me up or choke me or upset me too much when I'm pregnant, which I totally understand.
But I'm re-reading our old emails, and I think they're very sexy and hot. Maybe we can get that back some day.
Let's hope!
1/29/2011
Pregnant Sex
Pregnant sex is no fun at all.
First, you feel sick and bloated and hot. You don't want to be touched at all. And everything is sore. And you are so much more susceptible to UTIs and yeast infections.
But we tried it once... because I felt guilty that my poor Dom has had no sex in the 3 miserable-feeling weeks since I found out I was pregnant.... and it went okay.
He had to go very, very, VERY slowly. And I hate the intimacy of sex, even after over a year of marriage. Those abuse issues, even when you know what they are, can be difficult to work through. Sex apparently makes other people feel horny, good, relaxed, close, and pleasured. It makes me feel stressed and panicky. So he went very slowly.
But the only time I kind of/sort of relaxed was when he put his hand on my throat and chest and pushed down on me. I could still breathe, but I felt controlled, and then I was able to relax.
Of course, then he wanted to know if I could take my shirt off---I hate intimacy so I always, always want to keep at least some clothes on--and since I was feeling dominated I hated to disappoint him, so when I said no I immediately burst into tears.
Then he was very nice, hugging me and reassuring me that he wasn't disappointed, so I calmed down and could sort of enjoy it.
It just seems unfair that sex should take all this trouble and work and effort and strain. It's supposed to be natural and pleasurable, right???? Sigh.
So far, being pregnant feels like having a low-grade fever ALL THE TIME. I don't feel terrible, but I definitely don't feel normal or good. It's exhausting.
I'm honestly not sure how people ever, ever have a second pregnancy if this is how they feel the first time through.
The scary thing is, I'm only 5 weeks along....!
So now it's Saturday, and I can't even enjoy it because I'm sitting here, awake too early, feeling just feverish enough and just sick enough at my stomach to wish I were at least asleep so I could be passing time obliviously. I need to clean up a bit.... fun, fun, fun.
Sorry for the bummed-out post.... nothing much else to write about here.
First, you feel sick and bloated and hot. You don't want to be touched at all. And everything is sore. And you are so much more susceptible to UTIs and yeast infections.
But we tried it once... because I felt guilty that my poor Dom has had no sex in the 3 miserable-feeling weeks since I found out I was pregnant.... and it went okay.
He had to go very, very, VERY slowly. And I hate the intimacy of sex, even after over a year of marriage. Those abuse issues, even when you know what they are, can be difficult to work through. Sex apparently makes other people feel horny, good, relaxed, close, and pleasured. It makes me feel stressed and panicky. So he went very slowly.
But the only time I kind of/sort of relaxed was when he put his hand on my throat and chest and pushed down on me. I could still breathe, but I felt controlled, and then I was able to relax.
Of course, then he wanted to know if I could take my shirt off---I hate intimacy so I always, always want to keep at least some clothes on--and since I was feeling dominated I hated to disappoint him, so when I said no I immediately burst into tears.
Then he was very nice, hugging me and reassuring me that he wasn't disappointed, so I calmed down and could sort of enjoy it.
It just seems unfair that sex should take all this trouble and work and effort and strain. It's supposed to be natural and pleasurable, right???? Sigh.
So far, being pregnant feels like having a low-grade fever ALL THE TIME. I don't feel terrible, but I definitely don't feel normal or good. It's exhausting.
I'm honestly not sure how people ever, ever have a second pregnancy if this is how they feel the first time through.
The scary thing is, I'm only 5 weeks along....!
So now it's Saturday, and I can't even enjoy it because I'm sitting here, awake too early, feeling just feverish enough and just sick enough at my stomach to wish I were at least asleep so I could be passing time obliviously. I need to clean up a bit.... fun, fun, fun.
Sorry for the bummed-out post.... nothing much else to write about here.
1/18/2011
Too cold... too cold... just rambling
It's coooold here in Missouri. Very, very cold. (You folks in New England probably think I'm a huge wuss, and you'd be right.)
My poor hubby keeps asking hopefully if I'm in the mood for sex, and I keep having to turn the poor guy down. I'm too bloated and too exhausted for it to even be feasible, plus I'm recovering from a yeast infection and just generally too tired to do much in the way of anything.
The good news is, he's very patient. :)
What with the hormonal changes, it's not that I'm not interested in sex.... it's just that it's physically not feasible at the moment. I have dreams about sex and slow, tantalizing fingering that's WAY better than it could be in real life, but when I'm awake I'm just too uncomfortable. It seems unfair for my body to be acting this way so early. :(
So, any of you have great ideas? I'd be open to the obvious solutions, but hand jobs and oral sex take him like 40 minutes to come, if he comes. My muscles and patience are just not up to that. :(
If only there were a way to get him so turned on that he could come after 5 or 10 minutes... sigh.
So anyway, my good friend the Rabbit Vibe still seems like a great idea to me (hormone changes = far better and faster and more delicious orgasms than I'd been having lately!) but when your body insists that you go to bed by 9 pm, and by 7 pm you're looking longingly at the clock wondering how you'll make it til bedtime.... it's hard.
The good thing? Hormones are, by nature, variable, so in a week I may be rarin' to go! :)
In other news, my fingers and toes may never be warm again. My dad bought me one pair of super-thick hunting socks, and I may have to buy some more. It is so freaking miserable outside that I come in and huddle under the blanket and drink hot soup and turn up the heat... but my feet and hands are still freezing. I HATE YOU, Winter!
Only 4 more months til spring......
My poor hubby keeps asking hopefully if I'm in the mood for sex, and I keep having to turn the poor guy down. I'm too bloated and too exhausted for it to even be feasible, plus I'm recovering from a yeast infection and just generally too tired to do much in the way of anything.
The good news is, he's very patient. :)
What with the hormonal changes, it's not that I'm not interested in sex.... it's just that it's physically not feasible at the moment. I have dreams about sex and slow, tantalizing fingering that's WAY better than it could be in real life, but when I'm awake I'm just too uncomfortable. It seems unfair for my body to be acting this way so early. :(
So, any of you have great ideas? I'd be open to the obvious solutions, but hand jobs and oral sex take him like 40 minutes to come, if he comes. My muscles and patience are just not up to that. :(
If only there were a way to get him so turned on that he could come after 5 or 10 minutes... sigh.
So anyway, my good friend the Rabbit Vibe still seems like a great idea to me (hormone changes = far better and faster and more delicious orgasms than I'd been having lately!) but when your body insists that you go to bed by 9 pm, and by 7 pm you're looking longingly at the clock wondering how you'll make it til bedtime.... it's hard.
The good thing? Hormones are, by nature, variable, so in a week I may be rarin' to go! :)
In other news, my fingers and toes may never be warm again. My dad bought me one pair of super-thick hunting socks, and I may have to buy some more. It is so freaking miserable outside that I come in and huddle under the blanket and drink hot soup and turn up the heat... but my feet and hands are still freezing. I HATE YOU, Winter!
Only 4 more months til spring......
1/13/2011
Pregnant?
I haven't been posting because I've spent all my free time obsessively checking and re-checking the internet with posts such as
- very early pregnancy signs
- HGc hormone tests
- implantation cramping
- how long after implantation to take test?
- baby clothes
- etc...
Sadly, Google only knows so much, and it can't tell you much more on the 5th or 6th search than it did on the first.
So I have nothing BDSM-related to talk to you about, because I am thinking only about pregnancy. Am I pregnant? Do I want to be pregnant? Is this too early? What about our plans to move? Where on earth will we put a nursery? Will the cats ever be happy with a new person in the house? What about my job? How will I keep working if I'm sick, tired, and nauseous? Etc., etc. etc.
I've been having some symptoms that could definitely signal early pregnancy, like:
- head rushes
- yeast infection
- sensitivity to smells
- emotional
- easily tired out
- super hungry, then feel full after 5 bites
- light cramping on my left side for a day
But I have had none of the more obvious pregnancy signs, such as
- loss of appetite
- nausea
- sore breasts
- spotting
- bleeding gums
- cramping that lasts for 4-6 days
So that's what I'm doing.... waiting.... waiting.... waiting....
While waiting, I have learned many interesting things about early pregnancy and the hopeful moms who post on early pregnancy forums, such as:
- TTC means "trying to conceive"
- AF means "Aunt Flow" or your period
- conception occurs a day or two after your ovulate, no matter when you had sex
- implantation can occur 6-12 days after you ovulate
- your body won't start making HGC until 6-15 days after implantation occurs
- early pregnancy has a 25-50% chance of ending in miscarriage (that fact TERRIFIES me... how to pregnant women ever relax?!)
The way I see it, there are pros each way. If I'm pregnant, that means:
- a new baby!!!! What a blessing!
- we're not infertile
- my family will be THRILLED when I tell them
- my dad's birthday is coming up at the end of February, so if we ARE pregnant I have the best way to tell them: have him open his gift, and inside just have an infant onsie in camo colors (my dad loves to hunt and fish)
If I'm not pregnant, this means:
- My Dom can keep looking for a job out of state, because moving would still be an option
- My Dom will not be stuck for a few more years at a job he hates
- we won't be paupers in 10 months
- I can keep drinking caffeine and enjoying the occasional vice at a party
- I won't be emotional, sore, moody, sick, or tired for 9 months
- We'll have to try again and I'll have another terrible 14 days of interminable waiting.
I have a doctor's appointment today. I called Planned Parenthood just to see how much their tests are, although I have serious reservations about spending my money at such an anti-Christian, pro-abortion and pro-morning-after-pill place. I probably couldn't have spent my money there in good conscience, but anyway my normal doctor has tests for $50 and PP has them for $110, so it was an easy decision to make, both financially and morally. (Please don't send me hate mail if you love PP.... I'm just saying it doesn't line up with a lot of my beliefs.)
Wish us luck (either way, I guess)!
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