Does Marriage Ruin Sex?

I was looking back over the emails my husband (who was then my boyfriend) and I wrote when I lived in Europe.

Boy, were they sexy.

We weren't having sex yet, but I think that made our chemistry better.

We talked so much about what we wanted.... our desires, our fantasies, our hopes. Because we weren't together, we spent a lot of phone time and chat time discussing our sexual histories and what we hoped for. We talked about what we thought was hot. I did research on BDSM and shared links and ideas with him.

All that talking about communicating got me... really hot and bothered.

I think the word for what we were doing is "seduction."

Now that we live in the same house and can actually have sex, it's lost a lot of its appeal for me. I think for me, sex is 95% mental. We can be having sex, and it feels good, and I might even have an orgasm that ranks at about a 4 on a 1-10 scale, but then he'll tell me to call him daddy or say something really wrong and sexy and I'll have an orgasm that's WAY better, completely based on what he just said and no what he was doing.

People say your biggest sex organ is your brain. I guess they are right, for me at least.

It's a lot less sexy to have sex when you just.... have sex. It's a lot hotter when you can't have sex, and you're forced to talk about it and want it and wish for it and imagine it without ever getting to experience it.

Marriage has ruined the "sexy wrong" part of sex for me. It's a bummer, I know. But it's taken away about 97% of what I thought was hot and sexy anyway. Now, even if we talk about it or communicate, I just feel like we're talking so we can go into the bedroom and do it, not for the pure sexy pleasure of talking about it. And when I feel pressured to do it, like I know it's expected, it again makes it a lot less sexy.

Being pregnant, I'm having a LOT of horny dreams lately. In my dreams, I'm completely turned on and my husband is usually teasing me for hours or punishing me.

In real life? We just don't have time for that anymore. We don't have 3 hours to set up a scene and slowly torture me, screw with my head, make me cry, turn me on, and then have sex. Maybe if we ever had the same days off, but we don't. Plus he hates to tie me up or choke me or upset me too much when I'm pregnant, which I totally understand.

But I'm re-reading our old emails, and I think they're very sexy and hot. Maybe we can get that back some day.

Let's hope!

Sex Tips that Actually Work

I spend a lot of time on this blog talking about sex + BDSM, but today let's just talk about sex.



The internet is full of sex tips, sex tips for men, sex tips for women, sex tips for couples, top 5 sex tips, top 10 sex tips, top 3 sex tips, blah blah blah blah. And I've used lots of those sites, and I'm sure all those tips work for the people who wrote them and probably lots of other people besides.



It's time to add my own.



My Dom and I have been exploring sex together since we got married 13 months ago. It was a rough start (of course), even taking into consideration that my mother had warned me it would be a rough start and to give it some time. Luckily, sex got better after a few months of practice and a lot of communication, plus some unfortunate fights and tears along the way. C'est la vie, I suppose. :)



So what works for me, that no sex guides or "Sex Tips 101" had ever mentioned?

• Not all women like it deep. Every book and website anywhere talks about how missionary style can get boring (I'll get to that in a moment) and for deeper, more pleasurable penetration that will hit the woman's G-spot, to try the woman-on-top position. Can I just say "Ouch"??? I've never liked this position. It hurts!!! It doesn't hit my G-spot; it bruises my cervix. I can barely walk afterward. So men, don't just assume that because 98% of websites say women love deep penetration with her on top that it's true. I'm sure it's great for some people, but if your wife is built small down there or doesn't like having her cervix battered, try shallow thrusts or missionary.
• Give missionary a chance. Missionary is probably the most maligned position out there. It's supposedly really boring. Well, I disagree. Missionary rocks! I say this for two reasons: emotional and physical. Emotionally, missionary puts my Dom on top and me below. I feel safe and submissive. He feels in control. Physically, missionary allows him to do both shallow or deep thrusts, and he can create friction along the upper wall of my girl parts, leading to a lovely sensation for me. Sign me up!
• Change it up: contrary to popular belief, women do not all want deep thrusts. Some do want it all the time, but most of us like it some of the time. It feels good at first, but then it starts to hurt or get boring. So change it up about every 30 seconds, or just watch your wife's face to see when it changes from "Oh yes!" to "I'm waiting patiently for him to be through." When it's the latter, that's your sign that she's getting bored.
• Shallow, shallow, shallow. Do you know that most of a woman's nerve endings are in the first 1/3 of her vaginal canal? This means sex feels better if it's shallow. Instead of aiming for as deep as you can go, try shallow thrusts at varying speeds with the tip of your cock. If she likes it, keep it up!
• How to fight anxiety and distraction. Do you have a partner who gets bored, or scared, or tense, or nervous, or distracted during sex? (People with ADHD, anxiety, depression, or past abuse will tend to show these symptoms.) Keep them in the moment with a little nod to BDSM: a light hand around the throat, or a yank of the hair, or a light (or hard!) slap may be just the thing to keep him engaged and into what you're doing.
• Try more than one stimulation. If you're giving him oral sex, massage his balls with your hands. If you're giving him a hand job, lick and kiss his stomach. If you're having sex, squeeze down on him and then try to push him out. If you're teasing her nipples, alternate between your mouth and fingers when she doesn't expect it. One of my favorite sensations is when my Dom is using a vibrator or his tongue on my clit, and he starts to slowly stroke his fingers down my outer lips. I'm not sure why, but it drives me crazy and usually can help me tip over the edge if I'm having trouble orgasming.
• There is only one way into a vagina. That's right; the vaginal canal is situated at an angle and only at that precise angle can you enter without pain or a lot of effort. It's a big turn-off when a guy starts prodding around down there without a clue. My husband has hit my butt cheeks, my thigh, my outer lips, and my clit, but none of those allow entrance to my... well, you know. It's a big mood killer. If you just start forcing your way in at the wrong angle, it hurts. Trust me. Also, if your misguided poking ends up near her butt and get fecal germs on your penis, you can cause a serious infection when you transfer to her insides. How do you solve this? My advice: either use a hardhat equipped with flashlight to light your way, or use your finger first. Once you have figured out the correct entrance point and the correct angle, you can guide your penis in the same way. Everyone's happy.
• Don't just thrust. Thrusting is great. But you might also try just rocking your pelvises together, which is also great. Another good tip is to let the man lie still and have the woman squeeze her kegel muscles around him as he slowly, slowly lets her draw him into her. Not only will this draw him in slowly, but it feels great to both partners. Personally, I can come easier from this than any other method, and my Dom loves the feel, too.
• Be a 10-speed, not a 2-speed. Don't just have "fast" mode and "less fast because I'm getting tired" mode. Try lots and lots of different speeds. Try slow and deep, slow and shallow, medium speed, medium-fast, and fast. Try fast and shallow and then fast and deep. If the woman is rocking her hips against you slowly, match her rhythm. When she starts to go faster, match her rhythm. By keeping in time with what her body is doing, you're guaranteed to be going at the speed that feels best to her at the time, instead of trying to thrust quickly while she's thrusting slowly.
• My new ultimate sex tip. I mean, I seriously love this one. I have to give credit to my Dom, who discovered it. Start with shallow thrusts near her entrance, then move to shallow thrusts about halfway into her, then shallow thrusts deep within her. The trick here is to not speed up, but stay at about the same speed. Once you've done each for a few seconds, go back to shallow thrusts and start the whole thing over. Repeat as long as she keeps making encouraging noises and faces.

The Art of Phone Sex

Phone sex is a hot and wild way to love your partner from afar. During the course of your relationship there will be times when you can't be together. One of you will be on a business trip, at a conference, or visiting sick relatives. These separations don't prevent your ability to be intimate; in fact, they can be a great exercise in love! The idea may sound hokey or strange to you, but if you quit judging it and give it a try. You could be greatly rewarded!

This being said, what makes for good phone sex? I believe it takes a close partner that is not only willing, but creative. They also have to know your turn on/offs and how to build you up.

In the beginning your partner should build you up slowly. The conversation turns sexy and turns you on. Great! Take full use of this by taking it a step further. Ask questions like, "Does it excite you thinking about this?" or "How do you feel when I do this?" Then follow with questions that make them consider touching themselves. Once they are comfortable with this, tell them to start touching. It doesn't have to be direct stimulation, but start slow with a caress on the tummy or arms. Work your way in to the erogenous zones of the body: shoulders, armpits, thighs, or butt.

Give them boundaries, too! Discipline is a very sexy aspect of phone sex! Instruct you partner on where they are able and not able to explore with their hands. Let them desire this and build up tension inside before you give them permission.

During all this fill their head with images of things you would like to do to them or have them do to you. This is instance where learning how to talk dirty is handy! You will provide tension for the body and the mind. Concentrate on their biggest fantasies, driving them closer and closer to an orgasm. Use repetition and make some noise yourself! You partner could use their own cheering section! Guide them slowly to an orgasm. Let them come and pick them back up again.

Have some time afterward to talk and bond before you hang up the phone. Phone sex is a great way to show someone how much you love them while they are away. It is very rewarding and a great addition to any sexual repertoire.

Some great phrases for phone sex are:

• Yeah, you like when I talk to you like that, don't you?
• You're such a good, sexy little bitch.
• Mmm, grab that cock for me. I want your hard cock in my hand right now.
• Baby girl, you're such a good little slut. You make Daddy happy, you know that?
• Do it harder. Harder!
• Touch yourself slowly. Are you imagining it's me? Tell me what you feel.
• Ask my permission before you come.
• I wish I could hold you down and slap you right now. You sound so turned on!
• Mmm, I love to hear your noises. You're soooo hot right now.
• Imagine spreading my ass cheeks open and jamming that hard dick up my ass.

The point is to be creative and graphic. You can't be there in person, so you have to make up for that in lots of talking and moaning that you wouldn't normally do. It's okay--and better--if you get turned on talking to your partner! The more turned on your voice is, the better it will be for them. Try bringing each other to orgasm together, or separately so you can enjoy the conversation. Try commanding your girl to use a vibrator or dildo on the phone with you. Make her ask permission before she takes off each layer of clothing or touches herself. This is a great way to combine BDSM with phone sex.

Enjoy!

The Art of Seducing a Woman

Whether you're on a first date or have been married 25 years, the art of seducing a woman is important. Sure, you need to do the obvious things like leaving sweet notes, bringing home flowers, giving massages or pampering her with a bubble bath, and writing her love letters. A romantic dinner with wine and candles is a fantastic start. So is wearing her favorite cologne (women respond strongly to smells) and keeping your hair and beard trimmed the way she likes it. But once you have her in the bedroom, have your old tricks gone stale? How do you seduce, not just her body, but her heart?

Once she's in the bedroom, try massaging her in some sexy spots that don't automatically lead to orgasm. The nipples are a good place to start, and can even lead to orgasm. For me, there are several areas men can rub, scratch, or stroke that will eventually get me really aroused, but that they never try. Sometimes a nice, firm butt massage will get me hot and bothered faster than anything. I love having my butt rubbed and squeezed, and my lover doesn't seem to do it enough! Whether you are watching her cook and come up behind her for a nice long feel, or just massage her ass while she lies on top of you making love, it feels great.

Another great area is to start with a hand massage; this will relax her (a back massage will relax her, but also make her sleepy...so I don't recommend it) and get her skin used to your hands. Then slowly spend some time lying in silence, softly stroking up and down her arm with your fingertips and lightly tracing her skin with your nails. First, she will get really relaxed. Then, it will start to tickle and tingle (in a good way!) and she will probably giggle or twitch slightly. Just keep going....slooooowly and softly. Finally, you will notice her breathing start to change and her inner elbows and wrists will get more sensitive. When this happens, she is starting to get aroused.

For women, this is a whole-body arousal, not necessarily sexual or related to the genitals. It is more a warm, tingly feeling of love and happiness that spreads throughout your body, relaxing you and making your nerve endings extra sensitive. This whole-body arousal can be turned in to sexual arousal, if you like, or can just continue for a relaxing, bonding experience that leaves her warm and happy! Eventually, if she gets turned on enough, she will kiss you slowly and sensually and you know you've won! Kiss her back, taking your time and enjoying it, letting her feel your warm breath in her mouth, nuzzling her face and neck softly with your face, and slowly easing yourself on top of her so she can feel your weight pressed against her body. Let things heat up slowly from there; don't rush!


Another great non-sexual way to get this same feeling is by stroking her back. While a full-on back rub will probably make me sleepy, simply having my back stroked often makes me go through a variety of responses: first pleasure, then relaxation, then sleepy, then more relaxed, then tingly, then giggly, then warm, then hyper-aware of the man touching me, and eventually, turned on. Stroking her back, buttocks, arms, palms, armpits (yes, armpits are an erogenous zone! Really!), and hair will all make her feel sleep, relaxed, and sensuous.


More overtly sexual areas, like the breasts, nipples, thighs, and stomach can be turn-ons, but they have both pros and cons. The pro is that it takes less time to get a woman worked up that way. The con is that even though it takes less time, it is less likely to lead to high levels of arousal. For me, really high, long-lasting arousal is only possible if my lover has taken hours of cuddling and stroking to slowly awaken my body non-sexually. These always lead to the best passion!

The point is, be creative and don't ever rush. Take time to enjoy making love, even if it doesn't culminate in sex. Slow down, breathe deeply, and relax. This will seduce your woman's heart.