Why Christian Submission Is So Much More than the Duggars

There has been a lot of vitriol about the Duggars these days. Finally, the nonreligious are exulting, another religious leader has turned out to be a hypocrite, proving both him and his religion to be worthless. They are patriarchal fanatics who make their wives submit. I've read several articles along these lines, and they have something worthwhile to say. Articles with titles like "Anna Duggar Won't Leave Her Cheating, Anti-LGBT Husband" and "I Was Almost Anna Duggar." It seems the religious group the Duggars are associated with puts all blame on the woman to be sexually pure and submissive and the husband to be filled with insane, Satanic lusts he must flee from, and his wife must help him in this duty by being available to him. Women are kept in repressive, abusive marriages because they are denied an education, job experience, or any reproductive freedom.

Yet these things just aren't true. Anna Duggar may or may not leave Josh. She probably won't, but it's not our business. Leaving for infidelity might be a valid reason, but why on earth would she leave her husband for opposing gay marriage when she probably feels exactly the same thing? Sorry, folks, but being anti-LGBT is not a reason to grant a marriage divorce.

Yes, Ephesians 5 does instruct women to submit to their husbands, right after it admonishes all Christians to submit to one another in Christ and right before it lists a long set of duties and responsibilities-- the man must take care of his wife on the deepest levels, spiritually as well as mentally, emotionally, and physically. His job description is much longer than hers. Both roles require sacrifice but offer rewards.

This kind of submission, the kind that I and many other Christians embody, does not require a woman to be repressed or held back. I have a master's degree. I have plans to pursue doctorate work someday. I work at a rewarding job where I give back to society and earn a steady paycheck. I'm raising a happy, healthy family, despite my children's best efforts. If something were to happen to my husband, we both know I have the skills and experience to support my family. It would be tough, and not ideal--since I enjoy not being the main breadwinner--but definitely doable. My husband, my big bad dominating Christian husband, has encouraged my continued education and encouraged me to work outside the home as much or as little as I liked. He takes care of most our daily lives. In exchange, I offer him submission in certain areas where with someone who hasn't given so much I might not: Certainly our sex life, but also our hobbies and the state of our house and squeezing pennies.

A man can respect a woman and dominate her. He can cherish a woman and command her. The Bible can be true and all people still treated with dignity and respect. The Duggars have not done anything but something we always knew: Christians are sinners and Christians can be terrible people who make terrible mistakes, and we are all headed for Hell if not for the all-encompassing, overwhelming, indescribable love of Christ.

There's No Porn in My Kinky Marriage

A lot of kinky relationships seem to treat pornography as normal, common, expected. Women write posts about how their lovers look at porn without them, and laugh about how 'all men are like that.'

Well, not all men.

Not my man.

He doesn't watch porn. Neither do I.

Aside from the obvious ethical problems with spending your time or money on porn, such as the denegration of women or the complete disregard of the sexual health of the actors and actresses, I have a Biblical problem with porn. Matthew 5:27 says:

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart."

So I try not to look at other men lustfully, and my Dom does the same for me. We do not watch porn, either apart or together. We try to be sexually fulfilled by each other. I pray about our sex life. I want God to be a part of it.

So I don't buy the excuses that "all men watch porn" or "they can't help it." It is possible for a man to be sexually satisfied by one woman, and vice versa. Maybe it is something we have to work on, but we believe it is possible and we strive toward that goal.

If we want something kinky, we tell each other. I get inspired by movies or books or blogs, and we try it out in the bedroom. Sure, I find some scenes in movies sexy, but I'm not watching two strangers actually have sex on camera.

Monogamous partners can succeed in monogamy. It can still be fun and kinky and sexy without input from other, completely unrealistic influences.

Just ask the author of Jewish Heavenly Sex, which is often sold in Christian bookstores. He encourages couples to sext, send naughty pictures, write steamy letters, and seduce each other. He even encourages couples to make their own pornography tapes, shared only between them, for use on the man's business trip or other tiny separations.

I don't think pornography is good for my marriage. We try to stay away from it and make our own memories.

Religiosity and Polygamy

I think, after my last post on Monogamy, it's important to add that there are Christian kinksters who practice polygamy.

I wouldn't say most of them, but some do.

I think monogamy is the best reflection of the relationship between Christ and the Church that marriages are supposed to emulate based on Ephesians 5:21-28. But I can also distinguish between anti-biblical (goes against explicit Biblical teachings) and extra-biblical (is not specifically mentioned in the Bible).

If you want to know what God thinks about gay sex (which is not the same as struggling with same-sex attraction) or premarital sex, it's in the Bible. There's no way to avoid that. But if you're wondering what He says about abortion or polygamy, it's not specifically mentioned. We must rely on the Bible's treatment of similar topics and how God wants us to live our lives in general to find the best path in those instances.

Personally, I think there's a strong Biblical case for monogamy. Not only does it better reflect the Church's metaphorical marriage to Christ, but it was God's original plan and ideal. He warns against it for leaders of Israel in the Old Testament and leaders of the newly emerging church in the New Testament. The first recorded polygamist was not a follower of God's will and it was not a story meant to be emulated or mimicked. Most stories of polygamy, including David, Solomon, Abraham, and Jacob, told a tale of woe and strife caused by multiple wives.

But God never expressly forbid it. He allowed it for many kings and leaders, so long as the relationship was validated by marriage and not just an excuse for premarital sex with random women.

Hence, I know some kinksters who practice polygamy. Their faith seems sincere, even if I don't agree that multiple partners is the best way to reflect God's will in our lives.

I asked my Dom what he thought about polygamy. We both have degrees in religion from a secular university, so I trusted his expertise. He told me, "I think God allowed it. I don't necessarily think it's the best way."

I am inclined to agree.

Disciplining Your Wife

I get tired of websites that decry Christians being involved in BDSM or DD. I think when it comes to BDSM, other Christians are offended both by the kinky-sex element and the inequality inherent in D/s and power-exchange relationships. When it comes to DD, CDD, and Taken in Hand, other Christians are offended by the idea of power exchange, especially discipling your wife.

I've dealt before with the issue of being Christian and having kinky sex. I don't see a cognitive dissonance between the two. Within marriage, I don't think God dictates that couples only enjoy vanilla sex.

I'll deal today with the second issue common to both BDSM and CDD: wifely discipline. You can find this topic addressed in Jewish, Christian, and Muslim religious traditions.

Any site you'll ever read for or against Christians disciplining their wives will quote that all-famous and ubiquitous verse, Ephesians 5:21-27. If you don't know it, here it is:

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.

Ephesians 5 clearly states that a woman doesn't need to submit to every man, but to her own husband. Yet advocates of egalitarian Christian marriages will try to invalidate Ephesians 5 by saying this means the man and woman are more or less equal, but perhaps he gets the final decision if they just can't agree, sort of like a 51/49 power relationship. While men and women are certainly equal in abilities, worth, and before God, this verse in no way makes them equal in power while on earth. A 51/49 relationship sounds nice, but it completely ignores that tricky quote, "wives should submit to their husbands in everything." Even the little stuff. Even if she doesn't want to. Even if they can't agree. So Biblically, I just don't think you can make a sound argument for a 49/51 power split. The man is in control, all the time. And with it comes a lot of responsibility to love your wife and create her to be a better Christian, "without stain or wrinkle."

Other Christians will try to explain away Ephesians 5 by saying that verse 21, "Submit to one another," means that God is looking for a 50/50, equal partnership. I argue that takes the quote completely out of context and ignores the following part. Rather, Paul is introducing his topic (submission). He then goes on to explain in great detail exactly how we are to submit: wives to their husbands in everything, children to their parents, and slaves to their masters.

What a lot of people don't realize is that Ephesians 5 is just the tip of the iceberg. There are other verses that clearly put the husband in charge of the wife. My Dom always says that troughout the Bible, God loves heirarchies. The angels are in heirarchies. The Israelite society has heirarchies. The Israelite army works in heirarchies. Families work in heirarchies. The chain of command goes like this: God, husband, wife, children.

Let's go beyond Ephesians 5 and see what other parts of the Bible have to say.

In Genesis 3:16, God said to Eve:

Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.”

Other translations say, "he will rule you" (GWT), "he will be your master," (BBE) or "he will have dominion over thee" (DRB). The meaning is clear.

In Titus 2:4, Paul gives women many instructions, including "to be subject to their husbands."

In Colossians 3:19, Paul tells wives:

Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.

Like in Ephesians, he then follows it with a reminder of the man's responsibility to love her and treat her well. Nowhere in the Bible is submission a free gift; it does come with responsibility!

If you want to make the argument that Ephesians, Titus, and Colossians are all written by that misogynist Paul, I offer you a quote from Peter, another leader of the early church and Jesus' best friend. Peter 3:1-5 says:

Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands...For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves. They submitted themselves to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord.

Paul here is referring to Genesis 18:12, where Sarah calls Abraham adon, the Hebrew word for lord, master, or owner. It's difficult for proponents of egalitarian Christian marriage to explain away how the words lord, master, and owner can be interpreted the same as husband--but they try because it's no longer politically correct to think of your husband as your master or owner.

I think it's interesting that in ancient Jewish culture, the endearment husbands used to refer to their wives, achoth and rayah, literally meant "sister" and "beloved female companion," respectively, while adon comes from a root meaning to rule, and can also mean a soveriegn, a Divine or human controller, or a lord, master, or owner. One clearly had the meaning of power and authority, while the other did not, though both were loving terms.

If you're curious what other religious traditions have to say about discipline, both the Jewish Bible (aka Christian Old Testament) and Koran mention discipline.

I've already quoted the Hebrew Bible when it comes to Genesis. It gives husbands the right to nullify their wives' vows or forbid them from fulfilling a vow in Numbers 30:6-8, a clear indication of their power in the relationship. In Deuteronomy 22:28-29 and Exodus 22:16, a man who raped a maiden had to pay her father a dowry and marry her; in essence, he bought her from her father and she became his. The Hebrew Bible also compares Israel to God's wife and shows Him disciplining her, both physically and emotionally. One example I love (because it speaks mostly of God's forgiveness and mercy) of God's metaphorical "marriage" to Israel is Hosea 2, where He disciplines her until she repents and returns to Him, and then showers her with love:

“Rebuke your mother, rebuke her,
for she is not my wife,
and I am not her husband.
Let her remove the adulterous look from her face
and the unfaithfulness from between her breasts.
Otherwise I will strip her naked
and make her as bare as on the day she was born;
I will make her like a desert,
turn her into a parched land,
and slay her with thirst.
I will not show my love to her children,
because they are the children of adultery.
Their mother has been unfaithful
and has conceived them in disgrace.
She said, ‘I will go after my lovers,
who give me my food and my water,
my wool and my linen, my olive oil and my drink.’
Therefore I will block her path with thornbushes;
I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way.
She will chase after her lovers but not catch them;
she will look for them but not find them.
Then she will say, ‘I will go back to my husband as at first,
for then I was better off than now.’

These verses speak of God disciplining His wife, stripping her of privileges and punishing her until she has no choice but to return to Him, repentant. But the story ends happily; later in the same chapter, Hosea 2:14-19 says:

Therefore I am now going to allure her;
I will lead her into the wilderness
and speak tenderly to her.

...I will betroth you to me forever;
I will betroth you in righteousness and justice,
in love and compassion.
I will betroth you in faithfulness,
and you will acknowledge the LORD.

Just like every CDD and DD site says, the point of discipline in this Judeo-Christian text is to rebuke and exhort, teach a lesson, get rid of the negative, sinful behavior, and replace it with godly behavior. It's not just abuse. The end goal is reconciliation with God and husband.

In the Islamic faith, the Koran clearly gives husbands the right to discipline their wives in although other verses also clarify that husbands must not be abusive and must be loving to their wives. Here's Sura 4:34:

Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has given the one more strength than the other, and because they support them from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in the husband's absence what Allah would have them guard. As to those women on whose part ye fear disloyalty and ill-conduct, admonish them first. Next, refuse to share their beds, and last beat them; but if they return to obedience, seek not against them Means of annoyance: For Allah is Most High, great above you all.

The theme of discipline in marriage is just one I've been exploring and researching lately. Just because people in these cultures follow (or followed) these traditions doesn't mean everyone has to, but it's worth taking a look at where these concepts came from and how they are practiced today.

Can You Be a Feminist Submissive?

At the core, a feminist is someone--whether male or female--who believes females are equal to men in value and worth and should have the right to make their own decisions. It all comes down to choice.


First off, being "equal" to men doesn't mean we're the same. It obviously doesn't mean men can bear and breastfeed children or that women's bodies are designed to hunt. Men generally have more muscle mass and are taller and heavier. Their brains work differently, and they have different hormonal patterns.


But if you believe women can be just as smart and useful and helpful as men, you're a feminist. God designed us perfectly so men and women can complement each other in their lifestyles.

If you are a female submissive, you may struggle with aligning the cultural ideals for womanhood and femininity with your definition of "feminist."


Being a feminist all comes down to choice. It means letting a woman choose what she wants to do. If she wants to be a high-powered CEO, great. If she prefers to stay home and sew and cook, great. We feminists fall all along that spectrum. You can find us cooking, shopping, working, canoeing, hunting, knitting, watching tv, or being soldiers.

The true feminist chooses what she wants for her life. Did you look at your array of options and decide that one of your identities is to be a submissive? Good for you for knowing what you want! You are still a feminist.

I sometimes struggle with being a "feminist" and submissive. The cultural idea of a feminist is someone who thinks women should be bossy and act like men. But that isn't true. I enjoy dressing up in a nice dress and getting my hair and makeup done, but I also like hanging out in my PJs and wearing jeans and a t-shirt.


I thought a lot about the great questions, What do you want to be when you grow up? My parents gave me lots of great ideas based on what they saw as my strengths and abilities. Some of the things I considered were:

• a writer, because I love to write novels and am very expressive



• a singer/actress, because I have a great voice



• a lawyer, because I'm analytical, have a heart for social justice, and am good at manipulating words



• a teacher, because I enjoy learning new things and sharing that knowledge



• a counselor, because I'm nurturing and good at reading people



• an interpreter, because I love thinking fast on my feet and using languages



• a textbook editor, because I adore grammar rules



• a housewife, because I like having lots of free time to pursue my hobbies



• a bookstore owner, because I love to read



• a restaurant owner, because I have a great menu in my head already

On the other hand, I never considered being a vet, even though I love animals, because blood makes me sick and I cry when animals are hurt or dying. I never considered being in the military, even when they asked me to, because I'm not good at taking orders that I don't agree with and I value independence over uniformity.

My mother, who is the classic feminist you think of when you hear the word, would be pretty appalled if she knew I identified as a submissive. Changing from a radical, "I'm equal to you!" feminist to a submissive feminist is something that took me some time.

First, I realized I didn't want a man who was passive like my father. My dad is great and loved us, but he was not able to protect his children from abusive situations because he valued keeping the peace too much. Also, I saw how much my mother resented him because she had to do all the work of making decisions about money, kids, vacations, planning dates, and getting things done. Even though she wanted the control, she resented the pressure it put on her year after year when my dad just handed over the reins without a complaint.

Second, I realized that I wanted to be able to respect and love a man. I dated many nice, passive boys whom I loved, but the love and passion always died because I couldn't respect them. I didn't respect them because they did not insist on respect from women or other men.

As my ideal mate for myself started to morph into a different idea than my parents had, slowly, I started realizing that I might have to make some changes in my lifestyle. I couldn't insist on having all the control and power in a relationship and still get what I wanted in a mate.

Eventually, I read the book Liberated Through Submission at the advice of a Christian friend. Although this book is about Christian principles of marriage rather than D/s, it made me see myself differently. I started to realize that maybe I should give up some control in order to get the safety and protection I wanted from a man. I also, for the first time, was forced to understand that if I were going to live my life by Biblical principles, I couldn't just ignore these few unpopular verses like many Christians today do. I would have to change my life to conform to the Bible. Also, this book introduced me to Biblical commands I'd never heard preached or talked about in today's pro-feminist society. And last, this book made me long to have the strong leader in my household that the author had in her husband.

I will add, of course, that my mother's friends saw me reading this book and were appalled. But I kept reading, because I didn't want their marriages. Sure, they are happy and in love and have great husbands, but they always have to be The Boss. They can never lose it and cry on their husbands' laps and have their husbands hold them and reassure them and take care of the problem for them. That's fine for them if that's what they want (Feminism = Choice!), but it wasn't what I wanted.

Also, it's been years since I read that book, and I still do not follow those Biblical verses perfectly. I am far from the perfect model of Biblical submission in a marriage. But I am much, much closer!

Eventually, I started dating stronger men. I went too far and dated an abusive jerk. He was not a feminist. He did not think I should have a say in my own life and desires and career. He did not respect my right to choice. After that ended, I had learned a valuable lesson: I needed a man who would respect me and my brain, even while protecting and leading me.

Finally, I met my (future) husband and ended up here: a feminist who chooses to be a submissive because she has found a good, godly Christian man who is also a feminist. Yes, my Dom believes that women have the right to choose their own paths. But for us, based on the Bible and our personalities and desires, this works.

I am a submissive. I am also highly educated and very successful in my career. I am opinionated and vocal with our families and friends. Heck, I am opinionated and vocal with him. :) Being a submissive does not keep me from being a successful, educated, well-paid woman. It doesn't keep me from fighting with my Dom about the normal married-people issues like in-laws and money. It just means this is the choice I have made. My feminist choice. My submissive choice.

To read more about how feminism and submission go together in BDSM relationships, see Nan's article, A Feminist Submissive?

Christians Can't Have Kinky Sex?

Okay, I live in the Bible belt. But I'm still sometimes shocked and a little alarmed by the ignorance of my fellow Christians about their sexuality.

If it's not totally clear by reading my blog, I'm a Christian who engages in kinky, BDSM-style sex with my husband. I believe some BDSM activities can be a sin, but I think most of them are okay within a monogamous marriage. I was raised a Catholic in the Bible belt, so I learned just because a few evangelicals say something doesn't mean the Bible does. I was also lucky enough to be in a home that encouraged open and honest discussions of our sexuality, promoted healthy and mutually satisfying sexual relationships within marriage, and was very open to any aspect of my sexuality that I wanted to explore once I was married to a good Christian man. My parents encouraged me to wait for sex til marriage, but they made it clear they'd rather me be honest and practice safe sex if I decided not to wait.

So sometimes, I'm just a bit flabbergasted by my Christian friends and acquaintances.

Case in point:

I was at play practice with one of my friends. Our theatre has hired three ballerinas from a local ballet company, and one of them was practicing her routine. Her flexibility, grace, and musicality were beautiful and astounding. She was so graceful and light on her feet! I was awed by the beauty of her dancing, her flexibility, and her control.

She executed a move where she pulled her leg straight up over her head while lying on her back, very similar to this one: but lying down. I whispered to my friend, "Wow... she is just so... amazing!" After a moment's pause, I added, "And her husband is so lucky!"

My 20-year-old Christian friend looked at me in shock and said, "Yes, but they're Christian, so I don't think they do anything kinky like that."

I had to sit and process this for a moment, just in case I'd heard wrong. I mean, it's "kinky" to have sex with your leg above your head?!? I wouldn't call that kinky or even a really experimental position. It's just a standard deviation from the missionary position for people with a little extra flexibility or who want some deeper penetration.

So what I got from this statement, is that the anti-Christian media and sex educators aren't actually lying about how grossly misrepresented sex is among Christians. I didn't know there were young people in our country who actually thought it might be a sin to have sex with your husband with your leg up over your head, much less bondage or spanking or (gasp) Master/slave relationships. But here she was, sincere and confused and honestly asking me a question. I didn't have the heart to laugh at her, so I endeavored to answer her honestly and seriously.

I told her, as an older Christian she trusts, that I thought the Bible didn't have anything against kinky sex once you were married. I said as long as the kinky things you do are consenual, they're fine, although of course one partner should not force another into kinkiness. She wanted to know if the Bible said anything against oral sex in marriage (it doesn't) and what I thought about birth control.

Finally, I said tentatively, "You know, I've seen some websites where... Christian couples have kinky sex, even... using handcuffs or maybe spanking each other."

She looked pretty shocked, but she listened.

Once my Dom picked me up from practice, I was deep in thought about this conversation. She is a genuine Christian, a sweet girl, and a very smart woman. But because (I assume) no one in her family or church has ever talked to her about sex, she really had no idea what was and was not okay for married Christians. My view is that God created sex and He wants married partners to have an awesome sex life. This is echoed in Christian books such as The Act of Marriage, And the Bride Wore White, Sex and the Soul of a Woman, and Who Moved the Goal Post?

God doesn't put restrictions on sex because He hates sex or thinks it is dirty or wrong, no matter what some churches seem to think. The restrictions on sex (don't have sex with animals/children, don't commit adultery, don't have gay sex, don't lust after your brothers and sisters in Christ, don't engage in sexual activity before marriage) are there to protect us, just like a parent who warns their child not to play in the street is not doing so out of a malicious intent to deny their child the fun of playing in the street. In all of the cases where the Bible forbids a certain type of sex, God is trying to protect the individuals involved from STDs, heartache, sexual abuse, and dysfunctional sexuality, or He is trying to protect other people from becoming victims (children, animals, or the spouse being cheated on). Rules about sex are there to protect and elevate our sexuality above animalistic screwing to sacred bonding.

Sure, there are lots of (non-Christian) websites either criticizing or making fun of kinky or D/s Christian sites. "Who would Jesus spank?" or "Wear nipple clamps for Jesus!" are apparently really funny slogans to these people. They love to make fun of Christians for being anti-sex, misogynistic, sexist, patriarchal, and boring in their sex lives, but that's because they don't understand the sacredness within a solid Christ-based marriage.

Until our churches start allowing sex education, at least discussing with teenagers what a great, fulfilling sex life can be within marriage, children are going to keep misunderstanding Christianity's message about sex. If we ignore the issue, kids get the idea that sex is secretive, dirty, and shameful. No wonder non-Christians think we're so backwards about sex.

So yes, Virginia, Christians can have flexible, leg-bending sex. They can even use paddles or vibrators or nipple clamps. Sex doesn't have to be boring and it doesn't have to be in the missionary position. And no, my husband and I don't make love between a thick blanket with a hole cut out of it and a stopwatch.

My Rant: Why Christians CAN be Kinky

Why do people think Christians can't be kinky?

I mean, cognitively, I understand it. I understand that people think most devout Christians are Bible-thumping, conservative, blue-state, pulpit-preaching jerks. There are many Christian leaders, politicians, and groups out there that have earned the rest of us that nasty reputation (thanks for that, by the way, guys. ::rolls eyes::).

But that isn't ALL of us.

When people say "Christians can't be kinky," I tend to reply, "You're confusing what a Christian is." A Christian isn't someone who goes to church or votes for George W. Bush (::eye rolls again::). A Christian is someone with a relationship with Christ. We are followers of Christ. We're not perfect, we make mistakes, and sometimes we make asses out of ourselves as a group. I'm not even going to list all the embarrassing things Christians have done in history, but as a group we've done some pretty terrible stuff. But as a group we've also done some really great stuff. And I just tell myself that's because people who follow Christ may be human and imperfect, we are all sinners, but you should not confuse Christians with Christ. If I had to look to some of the small-minded Christians I know for my faith, I'd be turned off, too. Luckily, I don't. I can ignore them--they have their own path of faith to follow--and concentrate solely on Jesus. And seriously, He was one cool guy. Strong, fearless, leader, servant, obedient, divine but still flesh. You never saw Jesus claiming to do one thing and then doing another. Jesus was never a hypocrite. Jesus was never malicious or judgmental or unforgiving. We, his followers? Yeah, we're all those awful things and more, because we're human. But you can't confuse one Man with all us sinful beings following Him.

It just makes me so mad when I see these groups on Fetlife and around the internet asking "How can Christians be kinky?" Some of the more inflammatory get away with saying we all follow "the undead zombie from the sky," like we're some kind of idiots who believe fictional myths without any proof. It just angers me to no end. I'm an intelligent, educated woman who chose to be Christian after much research and study. My husband and I both have a Masters and he has a university degree in Religious Studies (it was my minor). I'm not an idiot and I resent people who assume I am because I'm a Christian. People think BDSM must be against the Bible (it's not). They think BDSM must incorporate sin (it can, but it doesn't have to). They think you can't be Christian and kinky.

Well, I'm Christian and kinky.

I'm also things that many stereotypical "Christians" are not. I vote Democratic, all the time. I've visited mosques and synagogues and would go again. I'd vote for gay civil unions if it ever came up. Yeah, I'm saved. I'm devout, conservative even in my religious beliefs (I'm pretty much pro-life, anti-premarital sex, and I do believe Jesus is the only way to heaven. I read my Bible, go to church most every Sunday, and have a crucifix in my house). But I also have friends who are not Christians, people I love very much and that I respect. I think they ask good questions that challenge my faith. My faith is not threatened by a friend who is pro-choice or Republican or Muslim or atheistic. And my faith is not threatened by BDSM.

One man on FetLife was just such a guy who doesn't see how people can be both Christian and kinky. He started a discussion called M/s, BDSM, and Christianity, which if you have a FetLife account you can read even if you're not part of the Masters and Slaves group, but unfortunately I'm not part of that group so I couldn't respond. So I'm venting on my blog. I'm going to outline the original poster's questions, both in the first discussion and in his follow-up post, and I hope that for once people can stop assuming all Christians are Bible-thumping, gay-hating, anti-sex, ethnocentric idiots. Some of us are, and they annoy me just as much as they annoy you. But just like all Americans don't think the same way, all Christians aren't represented by the small, bigotted, yet strangely vocal minority.

So if you are one of those who identify as Christian, how do you resolve the cognitive dissonance between the M/s you engage in (the BDSM, the polygamy, the sex for recreation instead of procreation and so on and so forth) and the Christian doctrine? Any kind of fun, kinky sex within a Christian marriage is okay, so there is no cognitive dissonance between M/s and BDSM. As for polygamy, the Bible is unclear whether God is for or against it, and theologians differ. If a man is married to all his wives, he is technically not sinning by being polygamous. It is only a person who is not married to all his partners who is fornicating. As for the "sex for recreation instead of procreation," only a minority of Christian groups believe this is wrong, mainly Catholics and Mormons. Most Protestant sects have no problem with sex for recreation and bonding without the possibility of procreation.

And that One True Way, Christianity or following God’s words, seems to be very opposed to most of what is considered the norm for M/s and BDSM. This is true. For Christian kinksters, some things are just flat-out forbidden by the Bible. No sex before marriage, no swinging, no threesomes, no porn, no orgies, no bestiality, no sex with close relatives, no adultery. Even if both partners agree, those kinky activities are out for Christians, because their marriage is a three-way relationship between the spouses and God, and all three of them must agree. However, this still leaves tons of kinky activities open for Christian kinksters, including Master/slave, puppy play, rape play, roleplaying, pain, spanking, bondage, punishment, dirty talk, etc, etc, etc. I personally feel like most of the activities associated with BDSM can easily be kept within a monogamous marriage.

So without resorting to Ephesians 5:22-24 (way too easy), which is just the tip of the iceberg in terms of how much this religion is phenomenally misogynistic, just how do you resolve the cognitive dissonance between being either Master or slave and being Christian? Part one. I do not think Christianity is misogynistic. I think the Bible was written by misogynistic men living in a misogynistic culture, but honestly, most cultures back then were. The only time women are supposed to submit is 1. during church services (1 Timothy 2:12) or 2. to her husband (1 Peter 3:1). That leaves 99.9% of situations and men that she is completely an equal to. Most Christians do not follow the 1 Timothy 2 verse about women not speaking in church; that was seen as a cultural command and not a moral one. For every verse about a woman submitting to her husband, there is one about men and women are equal in Christ and equal spiritually.

Part two. I don't think there is a cognitive dissonance between being a Christian and a kinkster. The Bible makes it clear that we are all called to different positions in life. Some of us are slaves, some are teachers, some mothers and fathers, some leaders, some warriors. If a Christian woman wants to be a slave to her husband, that isn't required by the Bible, but it isn't forbidden, either. She is free to give us much submission to him as she wants, even up to 100%.

So for those who say they are M/s Christian and not in monogamous relationships, there has to be some cognitive dissonance. Or have I got it wrong and do you just simply willingly commit sin? For those Christians who are not in monogamous relationships or at least striving toward that (we all sin!), they either usually believe that the Bible shouldn't be taken literally (in which case why are they Christians?) or they justify it using some vague verse in Matthew about how we are not under the law and only need to love God to be a good Christian. I don't agree with this interpretation at all.

In Ephesians it becomes clear that the wife should not disobey the law of God under the guise of submission. This is where the cognitive dissonance question I asked in the OP comes into play. At what point does the Christian/slave/wife deny her Christian/Master/husband’s command? If such a command is something defined as being ‘sin’ in the Bible, does the Christian slave then defy God or the Master? This is a great question and one that is addressed in virtually every book written about Christian submission within marriage. Even non-kinky Christians need to know "Where does submission stop?" The answer is: a Christian woman should submit to her husband in everything that is not specifically defined as a sin in the Bible. She submits to her husband as he submits to God, so ideally her husband would never lead her astray. God is leading both of them to truth through the authority of the husband. But, husbands are human and they sin, too! In that case, a woman should submit to God first. If her husband commands her to do something against her faith or the Bible, she has a right to refuse.

So that is it. You don't have to be Christian to get something out of my blog. You don't have to be Christian to be friends with me or have an important place in my life. I totally understand and respect the right of each person to chose for himself. But I am so tired of people who assume Christians can't be into BDSM or they are doing something "wrong"!

Is Christianity perfect? No. It's made up of a group of sinful humans who are striving to be better and trusting they are saved through grace. Is it possible to be a Christian and kinky? I hope so. Here I am... doing both... being both.

Submit or Be Conquered?

The statue pictured here in "The Rape of the Sabine Woman" by Giambologna. I'm no art history major, but when I first saw this sculpture in a museum in Italy, I was struck and saddened by its beauty. The scene is haunting, and the woman is both being physically overcome and yet lifted up and cherished.

That's the miracle of submission. You are overtaken and conquered, but you are elevated and loved.

A lot of women want to be submissives, but it's not naturally their personality. Maybe they have a dominating job where they are in charge of dozens of other people. Maybe they are a force to be reckoned with in their homes and in their communities. Does that mean they can never be submissive?

I have to say the answer is no, because 1 Peter 3:1 says:

Wives, be submissive to your husbands.

Even in non-Christian circles, there are many, many women who are strong, valiant, and dominating, but they want to be taken care of and conquered by a man. They don't want to have to be weak to be conquered; they want to be overcome by a man even stronger and more dominating than they are. (For a look at some non-Christian websites on male leadership and female submission that are gaining in popularity, look up Taken in Hand, The Surrendered Wife, or Domestic Discipline.)

If Paul tells all women, even the strongest and most dominanting of us, to submit to our husbands, I have to believe that it's possible. Through God, all things are possible.

How? I have no idea. You'll have to ask someone with more experience in Biblical submission. I'm still trying to wrap my head around it myself.

I don't want to submit to a weak man. I don't want to be a doormat or be treated like a child or inferior. I don't want to offer my body, mind, heart, and soul to a weak, indecisive, passive man. I believe I am worth more than that.

Instead, I long to be conquered! I want to be taken care of by someone who is a match for my strength, my tenacity, my stubborness, and even my forceful personality. I want to feel conquered, safe, dominated, and submitted.

Perhaps, instead of calling myself submissive, I should call myself conquered. That's what I want to be. What does "being conquered" entail? I'm not sure. I am easily swayed by groups on Taken in Hand and Fetlife that try to convince me a certain way is right or wrong. I'm not terribly decisive myself. Does it mean he spanks me when I misbehave, or does that make me too like a child and make me act beneath my dignity as a Christian woman beloved by my husband and Christ? Does it mean there are consequences for bad actions, or simply calm discussions? How does my husband show his power? How often do I need it displayed so I can feel safe and conquered? How much time and energy will that take away from him?

In the end, the answer to all these questions is up to my husband, with direction from the Bible and the Holy Spirit, of course. It is up to him to decide how, when, where, and how often he exercises his authority in our lives. For me, just sitting around and waiting for him to make a decision is killing me. But I am eager to be loved, to be safe and secure, to rest securely in the arms of a strong man who has conquered me yet again that he may love me even more.

To submit? Or to be conquered?

I guess I want both.

I'm going to spend this post answering a really good question that came to me via a comment on my older post, Christians and Polygamy.

I realize this is a fairly old post but I was just curious about your view
on another facet. You state polyamory as "having more than one BDSM partner."
But what if someone engages in casual play with another but abstains from sex
and romance with that person? Just wondering about your input on this.

While I personally am a Christian who is against polygamy, the Bible never specifically prohibits it, and so I don't feel comfortable saying it's a sin or that God doesn't want you to do it. I believe it's wrong, but there are other Christians who disagree with me. (For a full summary of both sides of the argument, see my original post on the topic at the link above.)

The reader above made a very valid point, however. There are some Christians in BDSM who "play" with another partner but do not engage in any sexual behavior. Obviously, for some people, spanking or intense emotional feelings that come out during BDSM are inherently erotic, and for those people, engaging in those powerful emotional or erotic feelings with anyone but your spouse would be wrong (see the many Bible verses about lust and monogamy for an example). On the other hand, for some people I think it is possible for BDSM play to not become sexual or erotic or romantic.

My husband and I don't play with other people because, for both of us, the intense emotions we feel are undeniably romantic and erotic. When he spanks or hurts me, he gets hard. Obviously, neither of us feel it would be appropriate for him to spank or hurt another woman. That would not be "keeping our marriage bed pure" as Paul states in Hebrews 13:4, and we would be sinning. Although I don't get sexually turned on by BDSM, the activities my husband and I engage in do make me feel very emotionally attached to him. I feel submissive, loving, and very emotional about the bearer of such pain and pleasure. For me to feel those romantic and emotional ties to another man or woman would be a sin, and could easily lead me on the road to adultery. So we don't play with other people, ever.

1 Corinthians 6:18 tells us to "flee from sexual immorality." Not just to wander away, or jog, or even walk briskly away. FLEE.

Flee: To run away; to escape; To escape from; To disappear quickly; to vanish

Obviously we aren't supposed to even dabble in anything that even might turn into sexual sin in the future. If it is even possible that you might become sexually or romantically attached to your BDSM play partner, you shouldn't even entertain the possibility.

On the other hand, some people really do not see all BDSM activities as sexual or erotic. People enjoy being whipped, spanked, or hurt because the ensuing release of endorphins feels good. Other people, even married Christian couples, want to learn techniques from experienced kinksters. If they believe they can keep BDSM play as something fun and enjoyable, not sexual, not romantic, and not dishonoring God, then in this case it's possible nothing is wrong with it. Of course, the couple should read the Bible and pray about it first, just to make sure. God will often very clearly tell us when our desires are from Him and when they are not.

If BDSM play contains no nudity, nothing inappropriate or lustful between the two sexes, then the Bible gives us no clear direction either way. It's probably safer to keep activities that have such a potential for emotional and sexual attachment within a monogamous marriage, but the Bible doesn't prohibit it. My only concern with this non-sexual sharing of BDSM is the potential for it to become inappropriate or sexual. Tread carefully and be sure you honor God with everything you do. Pray about it, discuss it with other trusted Christians, and search the Scriptures.

I hope this helps!

Christian Masters vs. non-Christian Masters

Sometimes, when I write my blog, I worry that no one is reading anymore. It's kind of depressing. Or, if people are reading, I worry they're really liberal Christians (or not Christians at all) and are reading for the kink content, and then they'll be offended at the things I say. But today, I got two (two!) messages on Fetlife from strangers who had read my blog, so my Christian-kink-writing self has perked right up and been inspired to write again.

One of the only Christian AND kinky blogs I've come across (besides mine) is that of Doule, who is a different type of Christian than I am (she is Reformed Protestant, while I'm Catholic) but nonetheness a very devoted, true Christian. I enjoy her posts on Fetlife and I enjoy her blog when I have the chance to read it. I took that opportunity today, and one of her posts really made me think. Here it is:

I think it would be difficult, if not impossible for doule to have the same
confidence in Kyrios as she would have in Christ – an earthly Kyrios being
human, humans have human emotions and biases and blind spots.

For “doule” to have absolutely no regard and no rights, she would have to have that
full confidence that Kyrios has the exact same interests involved for her that
Christ has.

So when I write of Kyrios and doule, I write with the knowledge that both have human needs and failings.

I think of the proverbial “two-way street”. Doule serves without regard for her own
interests…but that remains possible only when she rests confidently in the full
knowledge that Kyrios bears the responsibility of regarding her interests for her.

I think this is so true of my own walk, first as a Christian woman, wife, friend, and worker, and second as a Christian who identifies with a kinky lifestyle. I talked to my husband about it after I read Doule's post, and I think this is what separates a Christian Master from any other Master, and what separates a Christian sub from any ther sub. And don't get me wrong; I've found wonderful advice and fellowship from kinky people who are many religions or no religion at all. I have no problem learning from kinksters who are not my religion, but in my relationships, I want to keep my marriage a Christian marriage first and a kinky one second.

So if you are a single, kinky Christian searching for your Master or Domme or Mistress or sub or slave? It can be hard to find someone who is also kinky (I'd say 3-10% of the population, depending on which study you read) and even harder to find someone who is a Christian kinkster (less than 20% of active BDSMers, according to an informal survey I conducted last year). But in the end, we have to believe God will send us that someone, because we are told to bind ourselves only to other Christians (2 Corinthians 6:14) and we know that God is very interested in leading us to the right mate (see the stories of Isaac in Genesis 24 or Ruth and Boaz in Ruth 4). We have to trust our loving Father has our perfect spiritual, mental, sexual, and emotional mate picked out for us, and all we have to do is wait and trust (see Micah 7:7).

Back to Doule's blog. I know it is really hard to wait and wait and wait and just hope your kinky mate will happen along, and I know some Christians get really discouraged with all the waiting. I've been there! But in the end, Doule has really pinpointed the reason we wait. There is such a spiritual difference between a Christian Master and any other Master. His job is different, more challeging, and more encompassing.

A BDSM Master has to do many things: care for his sub or slave, give her emotional and physical security, lead her, help her grow into a better person, train her, work with her on past issues, punish her, reward her, be a good lover, be a strong person, make decisions for the two of them, protect his slave and their relationship from evil people or things, and a host of other responsibilities.

The Christian Master does all these things and more. Rather than doing simply what he wants, because he wants it, he must measure all his actions against the Bible and what he knows Jesus wants for his life. He has to look out for and care for his sub emotionally, sexually, physically, and mentally, but also spiritually as well, because he knows he's responsible for her spiritual welbeing when they get to heaven. He can't just make up any rules that come to his head and that make him happy; he has to make sure all his rules and regulations are in keeping with the Bible. He doesn't worry just about what he wants in the relationship, but what God wants. Is God pleased with the slave? Is God pleased with the Master? In all things, the Christian Master knows he has a higher authority than himself and that his slave does, too. He has to make sure they both stay true to that Higher Authority.

Likewise, the Christian slave (or sub) has an extra job as well. She can't give up her freedom to her master completely, because she knows she must first be obedient to God and then to her master on earth. She wants to please her earthly master and also her Heavenly One. A Christian slave also knows that her human master is not the end-all, be-all of her life. They both serve God, together. She knows that they are equal persons, or equal value and dignity, but that one of them has been given more authority--though not more worth--while on earth. And even when she doesn't really feel like submitting, she knows she should follow the directions for wives in Ephesians 5:22-24.

This isn't something I'm terribly good at yet. I'm decent at obeying God, and I have years of practice submitting to Him, but I'm a total newbie at submitting to a human man. As a newlywed, I know this will be an area I'll really struggle with: submitting to God through my Dom. It's a new job for me, and I trust my Father will be patient with me in my first struggles.

Some people on Fetlife tried to tell me that there is no difference in a Christian Master and a regular Master. They said many Christian Masters are even worse people than other Masters, and I can believe that because Christians are just humans, after all! But the ideal of a Christian Master, a Christian sub, a Christian BDSM relationship---now THAT is something truly above and beyond the norm, something special, something sacred, something new.

Unmarried, Christian, and Kinky: A Dilemma!

In a lot of my posts I just assume that two kinky, Christian sexual partners are married. This isn't because I think it's always the case, but because it is easier to not get into that murky area of unmarried sex.

But unmarried Christians can still be kinky, can still be involved in the BDSM lifestyle, and can still want sex. If you take the Lord at His word when he tells us:

Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body. -1 Corinthians 6:18-20.

and

The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God. -Galatians 5:19-21

and

But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality. -Ephesians
5:3

and... okay, you get the point!--

then it's pretty obvious that, Biblically speaking, single and engaged Christians don't yet have the right to enjoy sexual intimcy with each other. However, that doesn't mean it doesn't happen quite a lot, even among true and devout Christians who truly want to follow God's ways.

How can a kinky, unmarried Christian stay pure without indulging in sexual sin?

Of course, the most basic, obvious answer is to do just what the Bible says--Flee sexual immorality--and not have anything to do with kinkiness or sex until you're married. I think it's telling here that the Bible uses the word "flee" sexual immortality. God isn't telling you to leave, or to sowly walk away, dragging your feet, or to flirt with sexual immorality a little bit and then ultimately slip away before you "sin." God is telling you to flee!!!! That's a strong word in the English language. I wish I knew Greek so I could tell you what it means in the original version, but I know that to flee sexual immorality means to keep it out of your life, thoughts, daydreams, actions, words, and heart until such a time as it is no longer sinful: when you're married.

On the other hand, it's really, really, really difficult to flee something that seems such a basic part of our human natures as kinkiness and sexuality. Our sexuality is a gift, something precious given us by God to enjoy in holy matrimony, so don't ever believe the people who try to tell you that God hates sex! I think it's one of His best gifts.

I can tell you that, unfortunately, being kinky isn't something that just magically appears on your wedding nigt (I wish!). It's something you'll have to struggle with probably from your teens until you are married. That would be a lot easier back in the days when people were kept from the opposite sex until marriage, and then married off at 15 or 16 as soon as their bodies were ready for sex, but in today's Western cultures, we put off marriage until we are 28 or 29 a lot of the time---more than a decade after our bodies are ready to start having sex!

Those years in between wanting sex and marriage can be a hard road for a Christian. I know I started having fantasies about being raped about the age of 14 or 15, long before I knew the words kinky or BDSM, and when I became a serious Christian at age 18 I just had to train myself to stop fantasizing or having impure thoughts. It was hard, and took a lot of discipline, but I eventually did it. I still struggle with it now, seven long years later, but I'm happy to say I'm getting married to a Christian, kinky man in 2 months and our long, hard wait is finally about to be over!

Are there things a Christian can do that involve kinkiness and sex, but don't involve sex (vaginal, anal, oral, or manual versions of sex are all still sex)? Sure.

Here are a few ideas. You can find out a wealth of information about each on the web, ask questions on Fetlife, or click the links to see more about that topic in my past blogs.

Compare each to the Word and ask fellow Christians or pastors if you feel comfortable. Judge my advice by God's Word and, in the end, pray about it before you decide what is right and holy for you to do as an unmarried, kinky Christian.

• making out can be sexy and kinky. Only you and your partner can know when it goes from "sexy" to "sexual sin," so be careful and communicate here. When we first started dating, my fiance and I experimented with kinkiness by making out, wrestling, and him pulling my hair or slapping me a little. This incorporated BDSM into our lives without any penetration or sex happening.
• Bondage can be sexy without ever leading to sex. There are a billion books or videos on different bondage techniques and "rope art." Experiment with these!
• Spanking and other forms of hitting can also be a sexy, cathartic release without having to lead to sex. Slapping, hitting, spanking, and other physical forms of torture like pinching, pulling hair, or light choking can be sexy and fun. Try these out now, before it has the pressure to lead to sex, and see what each of you likes and how far you can take it. On the other hand, if you want to try choking and asphixiation, read my Dom's warnings on this kink before you try it.
• Try chastity devices. Before marriage is a great time to try out chastity! These can be a sexy form of control before marriage that reinforces your BDSM bond while requiring sexless love.
• Pray together. This will strengthen your bond as a couple, your relationship with God, and help you fight the urge to sin when it arises.
• Without sex, see if you can exeriment with subspace. Do lots of research on it. See if the Dom or Domme can get the sub into subspace with just your voice or a glance.
• Use this time to do a lot of talking. Decide on your safe words, talk about what you think is sexy, determine your limits and do lots of research on types of BDSM like Christian Domestic Discipline (CDD) or 24/7 Power Exchange.
• If you'll want totake your BDSM into your marriage, talk it out now, before your marriage starts. Here are some examples of contracts you can check out.

Making a Sub Submit

A discussion I've started on Fetlife is about how to make someone submit. I'm very curious to know more about this topic.

A lot of people have trouble with the idea of "making" a sub (or slave) submit, because BDSM is, of course, completely consensual and voluntary. So if you start to force someone to submit who doesn't want to, some people fear it becomes abuse and no longer consensual BDSM.

Well, while I see that, I'm not sure I always agree. In my "regular" mentality, I'm a total control freak. That powerhouse of a woman I am would not dream of letting my fiance boss me around, especially since in regular life I feel I'm the more capable of the two of us. I know what needs to be done and I do it, or I remember errands that need to be run and I have to be in charge of reminding him to do them. Now, I'd love to be in a situation where my fiance was in charge all the time, but that's just not the way we are. I'm a control freak, a perfectionist, and a driven force of nature, and he's more laid back.

So until I'm in my "sub" mentality, I don't let go. Oh, it's not that I don't want to! But I'm a strong, capable woman, and I'm not about to let go of the reins until I know he can be trusted with them. So I hold on to them with a death grip until he forces them out of my hand. If he can't force them out of my hand, I know (for right now) I'm still the stronger one and I need to be the one in control. This is not a great thing about me, but it is true; I struggle with submitting!

At the same time, I have no desire to be the Domme. I yearn for a man who is in control, in charge, and powerful all the time. Someone who can force me into subspace with a glance or a certain tone. Someone who can remind me of my place and that's it's behind him, not out in front crusading and leading the way. I'm simply not sexually interested at all in a man who is a sub to my Domme.

Well, this sometimes gives me trouble. I want to submit, but I don't want to submit!

Welcome to being a woman, I guess. :)

Some fellow sub-women on Fetlife seem to be able to just give away control easily. I admire them and envy them. However, it is not in my nature to give up leadership to someone who is less fit for it than I am--I live my life by strict principles of what is just and right. If you want to lead, you have to earn it. If you want to lead me, you have to do a better job at it than I would. Otherwise, what glory is there in your position of "Dom"? It isn't real, it isn't something either of us can respect, and we are both just living a lie.

Now sometimes, my fiance becomes my Dom. He doesn't seem to really be sure how he does it, because he can't do it on command---it just happens or it doesn't. (This is frustrating to both of us!) I've tried to explain to him how he does it. He just seems.... so much more confident. He doesn't bully me or use control in a bad way. But on the other hand, he isn't laid back or passive. He sometimes hits this perfect balance of domination that just works for us. He is calm, confident, and manly. He is gentle, stern, guiding, and self-aware. He doesn't boss me around, but in his requests I hear an underlying manliness that makes me know they aren't just requests.

I love this state. I love how it makes me feel. I love that then I feel more relaxed, more feminine. You see, I don't like to be in control all the time. I would prefer to have a manly, strong, formiddable, gentle man--like in the books--to lean on for decisions, to get things done, to match my own fiery personality and drive in life. Sometimes my fiance does this, don't get me wrong. Sometimes I really crave it, and I whine and sulk because "we aren't doing BDSM enough." I complain that "I'm sexually bored." Of course, this tends to make him defensive and me critically and nagging. We end up arguing about whose fault it is---mine for being too picky or his for being too uncreative in bed---which, of course, is totally against the Bible. After all, our faith tells us:

"As far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." (Romans 12:18).

Nagging, criticism, and bickering over sex-- the one thing God designed to be perfectly uniting and selfless---it totally not what two Christians should be doing. Yet sometimes we find ourselves there.

So can you make a submissive submit? In my opinion, what I want my fiance to do is NOT abuse. If a man or woman MADE someone submit when they didn't want to, that would be abuse. But in my heart of hearts, I want to submit. I yearn to be pushed forcibly into subspace where I can relax and know that the man who loves me is in charge of everything and will take care of me. But I don't trust him or anyone else enough to just go to such a place of submission and lack of control unless I know they can be trusted to take care of me once I'm there. I have to have it proved to me.

In the end, what I want is a fight---and I want to lose. I want to fight him, tooth and nail, so that when I am finally defeated, I know it was a real defeat, not simply that I pretended to fight and then bowed down to an undeserving adversary. I want someone worth his salt, someone who can make me submit, someone who compels me to be submissive by the very fact that he is so dominating. I know some kinksters would not agree with me on this, and say a sub must submit voluntarily.

But that is not something I know how to do.

The Sex Blog of a Christian Doule

I've been meaning to do this for a while.

I got busy with the beginning of school and work, and I kept drafting this blog in my head, but I didn't get around to it until today. For that, I apologize to Doule.

What I've been meaning to share with my readers is the blog by Doule.

Doule, for those of you who don't know (I didn't), is the Greek term for a bondwoman, servant, or attendant. That's the word doule. The person Doule is my friend--well, not friend in the real-life sense of the term, but she feels like a friend because I've come to know her through so many of her online writings on Fetlife and her blog. Eventually in the Christian groups on Fetlife, you begin to see postings by the same people, and they begin to become real people to you, not just names; people with personalities and beliefs and idiosyncracies and characters. Doule is one of those. She used to go by the FL name "Mze", which I now believe are initials but I always pronounced to myself as "maze," but she changed her screename a few weeks back to Doule. And Doule she is.

I wanted to share her blog because I believe it will be of interest to my readers. Her blog is a BDSM blog, a sex blog, a kink blog, a Christian blog, a woman's blog, a blog about a journey, about love lost, about a relationship with Christ, about the Holy Scriptures, about anal sex, about random ponderings, about breaking up, about sex toys, about thinking, and about life.

It's written totally different from my own style of writing, which I think is good. She has a very deep quality to her writing, yet her posts tend to be short and varied in nature. I go away thinking.

Whether you're an agnostic, a Christian, a Master looking to be a better leader, a sub wondering how to submit, a slave wondering how to live her faith, or a kinkster looking for kinky reads, you'll like this blog.

I like it because it's a real sex blog about the real sexual experiences of a woman who is first and foremost a Christian, yet undeniably a slave (doule). Whether you're there for the sex, the faith, or both, you'll like it.

Want to know more about FIOMA (Focus Is On My Ass) and how one woman struggled with it throughout a relationship where the man loved anal but she hated it and felt completely unloved?

Want a thought-provoking Biblical analysis on the difference between "submit" and "obey"?

A commentary on the moral and Scriptural case for or against Christianity and BDSM?

Are you and your kinky lover interested in chastity rings? (Can we say "Ouch!"?)

Or perhaps you're a Christian man who is or is hoping to be a Christian husband. Or a Christian woman who is or wants to be a godly wife. Or maybe you're a Christian couple who wonder how you can incorporate BDSM into your faith--or, possibly, how you can incorporate your faith into BDSM. This description of a husband's love and a wife's submission are for you.

Do you ever wonder how you can be a better slave to your earthly Master? Or a better slave to your Heavenly one? So what is a doule, anyway?

I loved this description of a dance of love between husband and wife, Christ and church.

Are you a slave or submissive who's ever struggled with balancing your desires and your submission?

As a sub, how do you relate to your Top and to your ultimate master, your God in heaven? As a top, how do you lead your sub and also submit to your God? This post will give you some food for thought!

Or if you're done with religion and BDSM for the day, this post on anal orgasms might tickle your fancy. I promise, it's completely about sex and sexuality, with no tricky religious problems thrown in. But it's still interesting!

Can a sub still have desires? When does she desire too much? When does she cease being a sub? When is she too submissive and becomes untrue to herself? Read The Tension to get some new perspective.

Need some spiritual uplifting? Check out the post God's Bride.

For Christians, what is the difference between a helpmeet and the weaker vessel? Can a woman be both? What does Scripture say?

And what is a Kyrios (Master), anyway?

I liked this commentary on 1 Peter 3 so much that I shared it with my Dom.

How can I, as a woman, be a better helpmeet to my mate?

I can't give you a taste of everything Doule has written on her blog, but these should get you started. Read, drink it up, post comments, read some more.

Enjoy!

The Servanthood of a Master

"Masters have to be more selfless than anyone."

This gem of a quote was taken from Fetlife member Seya, and I thank her for it.

I don't know is Seya is a Christian or not, but it spoke worlds to me. It's not a popular thought, certainly, that Masters (and Doms, tops, Daddies, Mommies, trainers, the list goes on...) would have to be anything but completely selfish, egotistical, self-pleasing sex machines. Some people have this idea that Masters must be the most selfish people in the world and all subs and slaves must be doormats.

Well, that's not always true.

But first let's talk about the times when it is true. There is no right or wrong way to do BDSM, so everyone gets to decide what is "right" in their relationship. Some Masters really do control everything about the slave and receive great satisfaction from having every sexual and emotional whim catered to. Likewise, there are some subs and slaves that honestly love to put their Master's needs first and live a completely selfless lifestyle. In these relationships, both members have carefully designed the relationship to fit their needs, and hopefully everyone is happy.

Then there are some Masters--usually single and trolling online dating and fetish sites--that seem to think that's what they want and that's what they're entitled to. They can't tell the difference between "a sub" and "MY sub." They automatically assume they can boss around every person who claims to be submissive without regarding that person's needs. It's sad but true: Fetlife and CollarMe are chock full of wanna-be Doms and Masters who will write a sub, completely ignoring the sub's profile, list of requirements, interests and kinks, or relationship status, and give them a list of commands that is both dirty and gross. I'm yet to meet a sub this worked on, but maybe they're out there.

But that's not the way it works in Christian relationships.

At least, not mine.

My Dom has far more asked of him than he asks of me. He takes the words of Scripture very seriously:

In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies.
-Ephesians 5:28

Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers. Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing. -1 Peter 3:-9

My Dom tries to love me like God loves the Son, like Christ loves the Church, the way a man should love his wife. This calls for that popular Christian term, servant leadership.

Is he the Dom? Yes. It is always easy for us? No. Not with a fiery red-headed control freak in the house and a calm, people-pleasing man!

But he does it for me.

First Peter talks about husbands loving their wives as the "weaker partner." I've read commentaries that refer to women being physically weaker. My Dom and I agree that not only am I smaller and less strong physically, but emotionally and spiritually as well. Sure, I'm a daughter of the Most High God and a powerhouse, but I still struggle. The world hurts me more than it hurts him. My feelings get hurt easier, I cry sooner, I whine more, I'm needier and more clingy, and I am more prone to doubts and valleys in my relationship with God.

So my Dom tries to do what God intends for him to do: be compassionate and humble. Even with me, his sub.

When I snap at him and am impossible to please, he forgives me and holds me.

When I'm stressed and unhappy, he puts his own stresses aside and holds me and "squishes my head" (my favorite safe-feeling position).

When I yell at him three times in one day over something stupid, then come crawling back saying how sorry I am, he is quick to forgive and let go. He does not repay insults in kind, but with blessings.

He wants to show me how God loves me.

So you'll see my manly Dom holding me and reassuring me instead of getting sex. Yes, and you'll even find him telling me that's okay, and he doesn't want to have sex if it will hurt or frighten me.

Yep, ladies and gentlemen, here is a Dom who puts my needs first.

You'll see him hopping up from the couch to bring me more food or water because I'm tired and I've had a hard day, even though he has, too. You'll see him crawling out of our warm bed because I just realized I forgot to lock the door. You'll see him giving me a loving back massage every night because I am terribly prone to physical ailments like knots and tensions that cause me pain. And because I like them.

I used to worry that made me the Domme and him the sub, because he was serving. But then I realized, he may have been serving, but I wasn't leading. And for me to be the Domme, I'd have to play the leader to his servant. Instead, he was leading me--and sometimes, that meant serving me. I was just the lucky recipient of his ministrations---not because I'd asked for them, not because I deserved them, but because he wanted to take care of me, body and soul.

Sounds a bit like Jesus, doesn't it?

In the bedroom, he still leads. He is the one pulling hair, slapping faces, calling names, and giving commands. I am the one trembling in terrified ecstasy to see where he'll take me next. But even sexually, my Dom is giving. Just like in the other areas of our life, he wants me to be taken care of. Like a good Master, he takes care of the needs of his sub. And so normally, you'll see him going without sex if I need to be held instead. You won't see him pushing anal sex on me because he knows it makes me uncomfortable. If I start to look uncomfortable or if I safeword out of a scene, my Dom stops and holds me, which makes me realize once again how terribly concerned he is about my safety and wellbeing. Most of the time, he brings me to multiple orgasms and then holds me as we drift to sleep, never once complaining about blueballs or a lack of attention to his Domly Organ. Why? Because he knows I'm uncomfortable with sex, and particularly penises, after several bad experiences in my past. So he doesn't push me to service him, or even to touch him if I don't want it, knowing that to do so would just freak me out and send me right back to being a victim. At first, I thought he was just waiting patiently for me to "get over it" and give him some, but after months and months and months of this behavior, I've finally realized that he really is content just to make me happy.

He makes me happy by leading me, and he leads me by serving me.

And that, my friends, is the servanthood of a Master.

Submission through God

Yesterday, my Dom and I were having a talk about God, sex, BDSM, and the Bible.



Yes, all those topics were the same conversation.



Well, I'm that type of female who gets more turned on by talking then by doing. I've always been this way. I can read and research some BDSM technique for days and get far more hot than if my Dom had actually done it to me. I get more turned on by him whispering into my ear the things he wants to do to me than by actually doing the physical things themselves---just ask him sometime about a train ride in France. (It took us two hours to get home, and since we were on a train we settled for talking about what he wanted to do to me and writing down nasty names for him to call me. The end result was that, after all that talking, I was so incredibly turned on that I came immediately upon being touched once we got home, and that NEVER happens just from physical stimulation!)



We were discussing the difference in submission for a Christian woman as opposed to a sub or slave from a different religion. I was trying to share with him that, for me, it might be easier if he used terminology such as ezer, doule, handmaiden, and helpmeet, because those are terms that bear directly to my life and that I'm familiar with and comfortable with. Those are terms that mean something to me, terms I'm friends with and know what to do with, terms I've been acquainted with for years and already incorporated into my self-identity and my faith. On the other hand, terms such as sub, slave, Master, and submit, when taken in their purely secular forms, are fairly new to me and I struggle more with them.



I'd never thought about this before. But I knew that often, I had trouble "submitting." Other women who are subs or slaves seemed to do it so easily, just casting aside their "self" and submitting to a man. As a secular woman, this is foreign to me. I'm smart, educated, savvy, well-traveled, and self-confident. I struggled so much with casting aside myself just for the benefit of my equally imperfect, equally human Dom.



But to submit through Christ.... ahh, that was a concept I could sink my teeth into! To submit not as a secular woman, but as a Christian woman, a beloved of Christ, a handmaiden of the Lord, a servant and daughter of the One True God---that, I could do. It had never occurred to me until I read a blog by a fellow Christian submissive woman (more on that later), but once I read it, something clicked.



My Dom and I retired to bed and he "squished my head" (one of my most frequent requests, because I love to feel confined and safe) while I felt as safe as I needed to and he waited. When I was ready, I began to explain to him my new thoughts and revelations. I halting explained that while as a secular woman, submission was foreign, new, and unpracticed for me, if he could make me see that submission as linked to our faith, a new facet of submission would be opened to us. I told him that submitting to him, not because he's a man or a Dom, but because he's my spiritual head, caretaker of my soul, and the one responsible for my wellbeing and that of my children---that kind of submission, submission not to him but to God through him, that kind of submission I could do.



And as we talked and I opened my heart and he received it, I started to feel good. I began to get turned on.... I started to feel calm, drowsy, and dreamy, a welcome return to subspace after a frustrating inability to reach it for months and months... I started to feel closer to God than I had in a while and subsequently, closer to him. I suddenly realized that it had been struggle for me to try to reconcile being a kinster and a Christian, two identities I'd tried to keep separate but also tried to force together like two opposing magnets. And the struggle melted away as I realized I didn't have to be two opposing identities, but one complementary one: a Christian submissive. Not a secular submissive who also tried to be Christian, but a Christian submissive.



To submit to my Dom because he said so? Difficult. But to submit to my Dom the way I'd submitted before to my God, not because a human told me to but because my Lord and God called me to it in Ephesians 5:22? That I could do. I felt at peace, I felt loved, and I felt calm and turned on.



The most beautiful scene ensued.



I'm not sure how it happened; I asked my Dom how he read me so well and he said, "I just did." He couldn't explain it, but suddenly he seemed to be so much more in tune with me than normal. Usually, I feel like I'm in the scene wanting one thing, and he's doing the scene another way. Today, something in the air clicked.



I felt dreamy and like I wanted to submit to him. I wanted to submit to him because I loved him and because I loved God. Rather than him having to fight and force me into submission, I laid there, calm and serene. I felt needy and vulnerable, so I was unhappy when he tried to force me to do things; I wanted him to treat me gently like the husband in Ephesians 5:25-28. And so he was commanding, but not bossy; strong, but not forceful. He told me simply what he wanted and asked me to please do it. He stated his desires clearly: "I want you to bare your breasts to me. I want to use these clamps and I want you to hurt." His words turned me on even more as I dreamily obeyed and bared my most sensitive parts to his pain.



The metal chain was cold on my chest. I felt sexy with the chain dripping down between my nipples. I felt strong as I withstood the pain. I felt loved as he hurt me in ways I wanted to be hurt. I felt victorious as I took the pain for him and knew that this pleased him. I felt obedient as I thought about my Dom leading me to the Lord as my appointed spiritual head on Earth. I felt grateful that he wanted to hurt me and lead me in all the ways I wanted.



He gently turned me over and began to spank me. Feeling as calm and relaxed as I did, the paddle did not hurt as much as it had before, and I was able to take the pain and absorb it. Somehow, he read me perfectly. Sometimes I had to take deep breaths and remind myself not to tense up and fight the pain, but mostly I stayed calm and limp. In between spanks he rubbed my back and told me how great I was doing, how strong I was, and how pleased with me he was. It made me happy in the most frivolous way, and I beamed as I enjoyed my wondeful back massage.



The next time he spanked me, it felt good. Instead of raising the intensity each spank like he normally did, he got me to a new place--a wonderful place on the perfect knife's edge balance between pleasure and pain, a place where I moaned with pleasure as I absorbed the pain--and kept me there. He maintained the same level of strikes, and he could have stayed there forever and I'd have been happy. Instead, he raised the level a bit more to push me. He must have felt very connected to me, because just when the pain was becoming too much and I started to think that one more was going to be too much, he stopped.



We stayed that way, alternating between spanks and back rubs, until it was time to go pick a friend up from the airport.



I felt so dreamy and safe during that scene. I wanted him to keep feeding my spiritual, submissive side, talking about BDSM and the Bible and Godly submission on the way to the airport. Instead, life cut in and I had to come back out of my head, start thinking and analyzing and worrying and planning again. I wistfully wished I could go back to our bedroom and my "safe place."



I hope this is a new beginning for me and for us.... a new journey, not struggling toward the unachievable secular submission, but now flowing toward a Godly submission commanded by the Bible, inspired by Christ Jesus, and directed toward God and my Dom.... first to and through the human, and ultimately to the Lord.