Showing dominance in different ways

I think it's so interesting how those of us in this community show our submission and dominance in different ways.

Some women have written that, as part of their submission, they always order for their husband at restaurants. For me, on the other hand, my husband and I are both more old fashioned. At restaurants, he usually asks me what I want, then communicates my order to the waiter. If I want a refill or some extra condiment, I ask him and he flags down the waiter to ask.

Sometimes I wonder if waiters think this is strange. But I like that my husband is taking this role to protect me and provide for me. He is old-fashioned and likes to treat me that way, opening my doors, getting my lunches ready in the morning, making sure scatterbrained me still has her purse and keys in the morning. You can sometimes see him carrying the baby and the diaper bag and my bags even when I offer to help. He does a great job taking care of me.

Sometimes he will grab me by the hair, kiss me or bite my neck, and then let me go a few minutes later to continue whatever I was doing when he interrupted me. I think he likes being able to do what he wants, when he wants. I think it makes him feel powerful.

Because he is so confident, my Dom is not very jealous or nit-picky. Sometimes I even wish he were a bit more stringent and super-corrective! He is very laid back and confident, so he does not feel threatened if I want to spend time with male friends or my family members. However, he makes sure that any male friends I have, he also knows and has spent time with. I have one male friend that he is comfortable me going to his house alone, because they are good friends and my Dom trusts him 100%. I have another friend that my Dom is good friends with and does not mind me going out to meet him at a public place like lunch, or even my friend coming to my house, but he does ask me not to go to his house alone. I'm not sure why, but I did as he told me.

On the other hand, my Dom and I are both "time" people. Time together is very important to us. If I wanted to spend too much time away from him with other people, it would make him sad and I think he'd say something to me. But I don't, because I love being with him as much as I can.

He sees "taking care of me" as being dominating. Therefore, for him, doing things that others might consider "service," he considers "dominating." He gets my lunches ready in the morning. He cleans the house on weekends. He plays with the baby on Saturdays so I can sleep in. Some people might see this as him submitting to me, but he doesn't. He believes that I am his responsibility to take care of, and he wants to make me happy, and therefore he does these things for me, not because I am in charge or he owes me, but because he wants to take care of me and make me feel loved and cared for.

At first, that confused me. "If you are doing things for me, isn't that me dominating you?" But he said no, absolutely not. He does those things for me out of the kindness of his heart, because he is my Dom and he chooses to take care of me. If he did not want to do them, he would tell me to do them, but he sees this sacrifice for me as a way of being a servant-leader like Jesus.

I'm sure it's not what works for everyone, but it works for us.

Qualities of My Dom

What things does my Dom do that make him seem manly, dominating, self-assured, confident, and awe-inspiring to me?

He enjoys my pain.

He bites me in the shower, then laughs and shampoos my hair for me.

He gives me a back massage and then pulls my hair a little.

He holds me when I wake up in the middle of the night feeling anxious.

He holds me down and wrestles me, then laughs and lets me up.

He threatens to cause a scene at church if I don't straighten up and put my head covering on.

He stands up to my mother.

He loves my mother and jokes with her and gives her hugs.

He feels defensive of me when his mother upsets me.

He reminds me to be more forgiving.

He works hard so he can provide for us and do well at his job.

He opens my car doors for me, even before he puts the baby in her seat.

He texts me to check up on me.

He punishes me when I've misbehaved.

He tells me what to do, calmly and simply.

When I First Knew He Might Be Dominate

When did I first realize that my Dom might be a dominant man?

Actually, I didn't realize it consciously at first. I had never heard of BDSM or D/s or spanking relationships. But I think, now that I know those lifestyles and have had years to explore this side of myself, that I can look back at past boyfriends and see who had those qualities and who did not. Even before I understood what I wanted or even realized I wanted it, I was either drawn or repelled by some men's qualities.

At first, I was drawn to passive men because I was afraid too much conflict would make me end up divorced and unhappy like my parents. Looking back, the boys I dated were passive-aggressive and manipulative.

After a few years of that, I started avoiding the passive aggressive men and went for the "safe" passive guys. You know the type: the "nice guys." They were nice to me and good friends, but my relationships never had much spark. We spent a lot of time fighting because I couldn't respect them, and that in turn made me turn to disrespect and nagging.

Eventually, I dated a man who was the opposite of all that. He wasn't passive or passive-aggressive; he welcomed conflict and rushed right into it. I fell in love with his strength, his power, and his masculinity. Even though he was jealous and possessive, I was tired of being with men who weren't really men, and I looked at his possessiveness as proof that he loved me. Even when he was controlling, I saw it as strength. It was a welcome change from the wusses I'd experienced. However, this man had strength without controlling it. Eventually, his temper and need for control became clear for what they were. Yes, I was allowed to be the woman, I was protected and provided for and fiercely defended, but I was also treated as an inferior, yelled at, and controlled. Thankfully, I left.

Luckily, soon after that I met my future Dom and husband. I still wanted a man who was strong and masculine, but now I was wiser and knew to look for other things, like a man who could control his temper, who would protect me but not control me, or who would control me when it was for my good but not because he was insecure or unstable. I also wanted someone who could fight for me when needed, but could control his temper and not let constant fighting destroy our relationship. I wanted someone who would protect me, but also treat me with respect and value my thoughts and opinions.

Looking back, there were clues my Dom might be leaning toward D/s even before either of us knew what that term meant. He'd just gotten out of a bad relationship where there was no communication and the woman didn't respect him or share her thoughts and feelings. He decided he wanted someone more emotional and creative than she had been, but he also wanted someone who would let him lead and ultimately wanted a male-led relationship.

When did I realize he might be dominate?

When we were first dating, we had only kissed once or twice when I went to his house to visit him. When I left, he pushed me up against the door and kissed me goodbye. I liked it. :)

A few days later, I was kissing him goodbye at my car when he asked me to stay longer. I hesitated, but then said sure. Without a word, he swooped me up in his arms and ran with me to his backyard, where he pushed me down on the table and we had some more nice kissing before I went home.

When we finally started dating seriously and the kissing went from pecks to more intense, he liked to tug on my hair. It never really hurt, but to my surprise I liked it. Once, he stopped kissing me, grabbed me by the roots of my hair, held me inches from his face, and challenged me, "Why aren't you kissing me?!" I strained to reach his lips, but he held me firm by my hair and I couldn't reach him until he allowed me to. For some reason, I thought that was surprising but really sexy.

He took risks with me, too. Little things, like asking me on dates instead of expecting me to initiate things. On our second date, he filled an ice chest with my favorite ice cream toppings and surprised me with an ice-cream-sundae picnic at the park. He held my hand first and he kissed me first. He also initiated the talks about our relationship, like telling me when he wanted us to date exclusively or bringing along a book of conversation starters to one of our dates. I appreciated that he was confident enough to put himself out there and take risks in our relationship; it allowed me to be the woman and feel pursued, and showed that he was willing to initiate and lead the relationship.

Eventually, I realized that I had a guy who, although he was very nice and normal in most circumstances, would surprise me with something kind of kinky, like pulling my hair or talking dirty to me, every once in a while. When we made out, he tended to be aggressive and I tended to lie back and enjoy it. He told me later that when he pushed me up against the door, he could tell I responded to it, and felt encouraged to continue with his natural desires. He had never explored them before or really been interested in dominating a woman, but just little things like he tried with me seemed to please both of us, so he kept doing them.

Unlike me, he'd never been interested in being kinky or D/s before he met me. I'd had those desires, but without realizing what they were, since I was a teenager, but for him they were new. He was 27 and when he decided to try tiny things like pulling my hair or pushing me against a door to kiss me, he realized that he liked them and I responded to them. So he kept doing them.

Eventually, I started doing research on the internet to find out if we were some sort of freaks, and I discovered that there was an entire community who did what we did, but WAY more! I was so happy and relieved that we were normal, and that now I had more things to explore and learn, and deeper to go than I'd even realized. So I started this blog to share my journey and knowlege, and here I am today, 3 years later.

Those are the tiny clues that made me realize my then-boyfriend might be a tiny bit dominate. :)

D/s or just a good husband?

A lot of what makes my Dom a "good husband" is that he takes care of me.

He takes care of real life things so that I don't have to be stressed out by them. I'm the flighty, creative, emotional one, and he's the down-to-earth one that takes care of what needs to be done. We both bring different strengths to this relationship.

I'm lucky that he takes care of me. When I was single I took care of the car and the little box and getting bills paid, but I'm airheaded and forgetful about them and frankly, they can stress me out. With him in my life, I can let him worry about the details and spend my time with my head in the clouds, or singing, or researching, or being my emotional self.

What things does my Dom take care of?

• Finances. We make the budget together and talk about big purchases, and I have my own credit card that I pay off each month, but he keeps track of most of the bills and makes sure they are paid. House, rent, mortgage, car payments, insurance, his credit card, utilities, trash, and water--he pays all of them. The only two things I'm in charge of paying are my own credit card bill and our tithe. He does this because he is less forgetful about these things and he doesn't want me to have to stress about when and where to pay things.


• Cars. He takes care of everything with our cars: he keeps them both filled with gas (aside from the rare instance I run out when he's not around) and remembers things that never occur to me, like changing the oil and getting the license plates registered.


• Litter boxes. He isn't very good at remembering to do this, but once I remind him a few times, he cleans the litter boxes and refills them. I haven't had to clean a litter box in years.


• Trash. He takes out the trash and recycling and hauls the trash bins back in once the trash has been collected.


• Mowing. Small details like how overgrown our yard is getting completely escape me. He likes mowing, so he gets the gas for the mower, pays attention to when we're becoming an embarrassment to our neighbors, and happily mows away with his iPod and his pipe.


• Putting away laundry. I'm the one who gets the laundry into the washer and through the dryer, but then it sits there. And sits there. And sits there. So once I've washed it, he folds it and puts it away, or else it sits in a clean pile for 3 to 4 weeks.


• Big decisions. We talk about big decisions, I worry myself sick over them, and then he makes them. Our last car, we talked about several options we were both okay with, and when one came open he bought it without even asking me so I wouldn't have to worry about it. Sometimes I am not happy with his decisions (like moving here a few months ago) and I get bitter and resentful, but I do appreciate it that he tries to be a leader and keep me from worrying about them by just making them for us.

When I worry that he "isn't dominating enough" or some such thing, his answer is always, "But I take care of you." This is undeniably true, but I think it's possible for a man to take care of a woman without it being D/s. Sure, it's male-led, but that doesn't necessarily also imply that he dominates me or that I submit to him. It means he's a good, nice husband for sure though!

Shows of Dominance

On my earlier post Dynamic Needs in D/s, a reader left this comment:

"I like to be made to do something," I said. "I want to know that you have power over me and are stronger than me. My need is to be forced."

Can you explain the actual power and actual force that you want him to exhibit. I see this kind of complaint often but know one offering an example of what a solution would look like.

This is a good question. I am sure the answer is different for every sub or slave, but I'll try to explain the power and force I crave.




In the animal kingdom, animals show dominance in many ways. We humans are not much different! What do animals and humans have in common?

• They strut, posture, or "puff up" (I love when my tiny white cat does this!)


• They make threatening noises (growls and hisses for animals; tone of voice for us)


• They glare (same for animals and humans!)


• They go for the throat


• They go for the back of the neck


• They hit a "warning hit" (not to injure)


• When that doesn't work, they hit to injure

I like when my Dom uses any of the above. Sometimes it's just a fierce glare and a tone that brokes no argument. Once, we were on the verge of having a fight because he felt he should go help my dad paint the house and I wanted him to spend time with me. His tone did the trick. "I am going out to help your father," he said firmly to me.

"Fine! I'll just go shopping!"

"If you try to leave, I will start a fight in front of your dad. I am not scared."

Well, the tone worked. I made a pouty face and gave in, he came and hugged me, and he went out to work and I went and used my computer.

What are some other ways my Dom "makes me" do things?

Sometimes he uses his physical size to his advantage, even though he is not much bigger than me. He will hold my hands down or pin them behind my back. He will invade my personal space so I back down.

Other times, he will use the throat or back-of-the-neck technique. If he grabs the back of my neck and squeezes, just like a lion biting a lioness, I will squirm and then give in. If I'm being really out of control, he'll grab me by the throat, squeeze, push his face against mine, and threaten me in a low voice. That pretty much always works because it scares me and then I cry and give in. ;)

Animals will give "warning hits" without trying to injure. For instance, dogs will nip before they bite or cats will box each other before they pull out the claws and teeth. I think this is the equivalent of a maintenance spanking in DD or when my Dom will lightly smack me to get my attention. If my behavior gets really bad, though, he will spank me for real--until it really hurts. Of course, he has always been careful not to injure me or leave permanent marks or bruises.

And sometimes, it's more simple than that. He will stop, look me in the eyes, and say, "You'd better do what I say, or else ____________."

My brain does a fast computation of the risk (is doing X worth receiving the punishment Y? Is he bluffing or will he really follow through?) and usually, I give in, because usually, I decide that it's not worth whatever punishment he's threatening.

And that is what I mean by saying "He makes me."

What Do You Expect from Your Dom

I was taking part in a good discussion on Fetlife asking what we expect from our Dominants. It was such an interesting question that I decided to post about it here.

Expectations are important because they can lead to anger, hurt, and bitterness when there are unmet expectations. On the other hand, it's important to have standards and not just fall for the first psuedo-Dom who writes you a really sweet email on CollarMe that sounds something like, "Hello, my slut. I am your Master and you will obey me NOW. Send naked photos." Having expectations also helps you know what you want out of a partner so you can find someone who matches your style of kink.

As written on Fetlife, here are my bon mots about my expectations of a Dominant:

The basics: honesty, commitment, monogamy, faith, integrity, communication. Basically just being a good person, things I'd expect in any man.

The specifics, that apply not to "any man I'd date" but specifically "a dominant": consistency, strength, power, commanding tone/presence, follow-through, initiative.

I think it's important to note that what I expect from a Dom is above and beyond just what I'd expect from a man. I have certain standards for men that I would date or marry. They have to be smart, Christian, honest, etc. As you can see above, I think my expectations for a boyfriend or husband are pretty basic for women in my culture.

Being a Dom or Master, to me, is a step above being marriage material. This is a man who goes above and beyond. It's more work and more responsibility (and, I hope, more reward). This isn't just a man who loves you and is faithful to you and raises children with you. This is a man who does all that while dominating and leading you! He can change diapers with one hand and keep a tight rein on you with the other. He mows the lawn and helps with the dishes, then turns around and spanks you for being disrespectful. He is indeed a kind of Superman! (Maybe I should get my Dom some tights or something???)



My answer on Fetlife was pretty short, so I wanted to explore each of my "Domly expectations" a bit more on here:

1. Consistency. This one was my first response because, guess what?, we'd just been talking about it! Without consistency, I get grumpy. I start to do little test and then bigger tests. Then I get mad and I complain. I need consistency from my Dom so that I know I can rely on him 100% of the time.




2. Strength. What makes a "husband and Dom" different from a "husband"? Probably strength. You can be a good husband and father and be a pretty easygoing, passive guy, but you can't be a Dom without strength. A man who is a Dominant has not only the strength to control himself, but strength greater than the strength of his wife. He can also control her and their children. His moral and emotional strength are greater than theirs, so they can rely on him.




3. Power. This is similar to strength. Being strong is not enough if you do not also wield the power in your relationship. A woman can't just give you power and you let it lie there idly at your feet; that's not D/s. You must take up the power she gives you and wield it, use it, exert it.




4. Commanding Tone. This one is important to me. A good Dom can quiet a woman and quell rebellion with a look and the tone of his voice. I think having a commanding tone is something I really respect and look for in a Dominant.




5. Commanding Presence. When the quelling looks and tone fail, as they sometimes will, a Dominant does not just shrug his shoulders and think, Oh well, let her do whatever she wants. He plays his next card, which is physical presence. This can be something traditional like spanking or something much more subtle like a subtly threatening posture that only his wife notices, but she knows what it means and quiets down!




6. Follow-Through. I look for this in a Dominant because anyone can make rules. Heck, we all like to boss others around and dictate that the world go according to our desires from time to time! It's easy to make demands, but it's hard to remember those demands later and enforce them when you're busy and tired and would rather not deal with a rebellious, cantankerous woman. When you feel exhausted and would rather give in, let her have her way, and just go to bed, it takes a strong man to follow through on getting his way anyway.




7. Initiative. This is just the precursor to follow-through. Without initiative, your boat never sets sail and gets underway, much less drifts atide and needs the Dominant's follow-through. A Dominant should know what he wants, where he wants the relationship to go, and how he wants to get there. A man with initiative and drive can form a plan for his relationship and provide leadership to his wife and children. Without starting your first foot on that journey, leadership can never happen.

Of course, I'm not saying all Dominants have to do this. But these are the things I tend to value in a self-proclaimed Dominant man. They make me feel safe. When I feel safe, I feel free to be more submissive. With these things, I feel safe, happy, cherished, and loved.

Rape in Consensual Non-Consent Relationships

I've been thinking about the online article When Rape is a Gift over at the Taken in Hand website. This article is by The Boss, who has also written such gems as Si Vis Pacem, Para Bellum, The Missionary Position, and Happy Living in Fear of a Man, and The Subjection of Women. If you are interested in Taken in Hand and haven't read these articles, you really should. They are some of my favorites.

When Rape is a Gift is such a powerful title, don't you think? It evokes emotions almost immediately. Usually, they are negative. And rightly so. Rape the way we think of is--a man or woman being forced or coerced into an unwanted sexual encounter--is a terrible thing for the victim. Whether the rapist is a stranger, an acquaintance, or your spouse, rape is a tragic event.

But what about unwanted sexual encounters within a relationship that is already defined as consensual non-consent?

First, a few words about CNC. I've noticed some bloggers lately who seem to think CNC means the sub operates without any kind of limits or safeword whatsoever. I'm not sure where this idea came from, but let me be clear that in my CNC relationship, I have a safeword.

If a Dom in a CNC-relationship commands his sub to have sex with him and she obeys, even when she doesn't want to, is that rape? What about when a HoH says he expects his wife to "be sexually available" to him at all times? Isn't that similar to rape? Or the tricky one--when a Dom in a CNC tells his sub he wants sex, and she says no and fights or begs or pleads not to, but he takes it anyway, is that rape?

All of the above situations are similar to rape. They are not legal rape because all of those situations involve consent. Consent is either given at the time (implicitly through obedience) or it has been given earlier (engaging in a CNC relationship). But to take sex from a partner who is unwilling at that time is still, on some level, a rape.

My Dom is understandably uncomfortable with me using the word "rape." This is because he loves me and would never, ever hurt me. He has shown nothing but respect for my safeword when I have felt it necessary to use it.

But when he wants to have sex, and takes it from me even when I may be kicking and fighting or pleading with him not to, this is what I believe the author is referring to in When Rape is a Gift.

Sometimes I don't want to have sex. Sometimes--and this admission will make me unpopular in the BDSM world--I will deny my Dom sex and fight against him. Sometimes I'm too tired or angry. Most of the time, it's because I'm feeling distant and defensive and intimacy is the last thing I want with him right then.

This morning, he took it anyway.

I said no and struggled to get away. He pinned me down. I struggled. I panicked a bit. Eventually, I calmed down and gave in.

I wouldn't advise this for those new to D/s or BDSM. My Dom and I have just recently begun exploring this limit of mine after years of communication and shelving it as a "hard limit." We've talked a lot about it. A lot. And he monitored me carefully the whole time.

"You can use your safeword," he reminded me at the very beginning. (Often, he reminds me of this because if I get panicked enough, I forget I have it. He has now started reminding me at the start of scenes.)

Later, he asked me, "How are you feeling?"

I had no words. I couldn't talk. I wasn't in subspace, but I was acting similarly: words weren't coming to me, I wasn't very in touch with how I was feeling, I wasn't sure what my emotions were. I didn't have that same happy/submissive/floaty feeling, but I couldn't answer.

I just shook my head.

"I need you to talk to me right now," he said gently.

I shrugged. Paused. (Normally he can't get me to shut up, I swear.) "I don't know," I finally came up with (brilliant!).

"Stop. Think. I need you to tell me," he said.

I squinted my eyes and searched the ceiling for an answer. Pause pause pause. He waited patiently. "I'm... okay," I managed.

He told me he loved me. He talked to me, because he knows (after months and years of talking about it, mind you!) that I need that verbal connection to stay engaged.

"I own you," he told me. "Nobody else. I want to own all of you. I'll fight for you. I'll fight to get those pieces back you've been keeping from me." (Have I been keeping pieces? Not intentionally... but he's right.)

Afterward, I cuddled him. As usual, I was full of questions. What did he feel about what had just happened? Had he liked it? Was it good? Was that rape?

"It's not rape," he said, suddenly uncomfortable.

I tried to explain that I didn't mean rape in a bad way; I meant rape in an okay way. He shied away from using that term. Rape seemed to him something done by a bad guy to a victim. He loved me, he insisted (I knew that). He was using sex as a way for us to reconnect because it was best for me, even when I didn't like it (I understood that, too). He didn't like it when I would fight intimacy with him, withholding myself physically and emotionally, creating distance between us. He had overpowered me because he knew it was best for us and our relationship. He was doing his part to lead us, ensuring I didn't hijack our marriage by creating and maintaining distances that weren't supposed to be there.

All this was true. I could have used my safeword at any time if I had had a flashback to abuse or completely flipped out and needed to stop. He was using sex to bring us closer, not tear me down.

And he was right. I did feel closer. I can't claim I liked the sex--or being forced into it--but he broke down my walls. We cuddled afterward. I talked a lot more. I finally felt relaxed and safe, connected to my Dom, not sad and distant and anxious about every little thing. I started the morning with a happy smile on my face. It re-centered me.

In the short term, it may have looked like rape. But in the long term, I had already given my consent to a CNC relationship with this man I knew and trusted. We had worked long and hard and stumbled through many potholes and roadblocks to build the knowledge of each other that allowed him to push past my boundaries safely and sanely.

I didn't like it at the time. But he is the leader of our household and the ultimate decision was his.

Trust Issues

Trust issues are a major barrier in any relationship, but in D/s they really make things come to a screeching halt. This is because BDSM is so rooted in trust, open communication, and consent. The moment those things disappear, it starts to become abuse.

If you look back at my recent posts, I've really been pondering and researching the subject of submission. How can I be more submissive? What does my pattern of submission look like? How can my Dom make me submit? How can he help me submit easier? What are barriers to submission? Can I be a feminist and a submissive?

Obviously, I was wrestling with this issue. But a post by Neo Dom Tom and a subsequent comment by William, author of Training of My Lovely Slut, made me wonder if the answer could be as simple as trust issues.

Am I struggling with submission in some areas because I don't trust my Dom?

Of course I trust him. He is the most trustworthy man I know. But maybe I don't trust... men? myself? being vulnerable? letting go of control?

It makes sense. Like I said, lack of trust brings domination and submission to a screeching halt. They're simply not possible without total, complete trust.

Perhaps some subs and slaves can't let go of control because they were hurt in the past. I suddenly wondered if that was what was happening to me. Could this explain why I can give submission in most areas but not in all? Why I long for D/s but panic and fight it when my Dom tries to advance his control in one more small area that he didn't have it before? "You can't!" I'll cry. "It isn't fair! I should be able to decide [insert topic here]." I'm full of reasons he shouldn't need or want control in this area. After all, it's so tiny and insignificant!

Never one to throw out a theory until I've considered it, I pondered the issue. If I were having trust issues, what would they be? Why would they have developed? Here are some of the things I have come up with.

• I was raised by an emotionally abusive and enmeshed mother. While I was mostly cherished and loved, I learned that love and affection can be taken away at the drop of a hat and replaced by physical and emotional abuse. Sometimes this was due to something I did and sometimes it wasn't. This made me try to control everything around me, including myself, and to develop panic-like anxiety if I wasn't in control. I also learned not to trust happiness because it wouldn't last. I have an anxious personality and I don't feel comfortable when my life is going well and I'm happy because, as one very wise psychologist put it, I'm "always waiting for the other shoe to drop."


• When my parents got divorced, I was pretty devastated. I learned the terrible lesson that you can never trust anything, because even 20-year marriages can fall apart. As such, I tend to look at relationships not as, "He's been trustworthy so far; I can relax now" but "I can never relax because even if he's been great for 5 years who knows what will happen in 25!"


• After said divorce, I became very, very cautious about relationships. I made sure to date boys who were way more into me than I was them--so I had the control. However, I was in one relationship with a boy who stuck around for 3 years. Slowly over that time, I started opening up to him, but I balked at losing control and falling in love because I didn't trust it. I kept my emotions in control. I stayed cautious. However, he finally convinced me to let go and trust him and commit myself fully. Since he'd been there for three whole years, fighting through all my walls, sticking around through all my tests, I finally started to believe that maybe this guy was the real deal and I could trust him. About that time, he got bored with me and started seeing another girl. He left me and I was devastated. It really solidified my belief that I should never let my walls down with anyone, even after years of proving himself.


• When I was older, I started dating a younger man who swore he was in love with me. The more I insisted on being mature, taking it slowly, and being cautious, the more he pursued me and swore up and down that he loved me. When I finally let down my guard with him and took a risk, he stopped talking to me, answering my calls, or calling.


• Later, I dated a nice, artistic boy who again declared his love for me. When I level-headedly pointed out that we hadn't been dating very long, he swore it didn't matter and he was in love anyway. I tentatively decided to go out on a limb and trust him and get my emotions and "love" involved. He immediately and without warning decided we should not date anymore, confessed I was right and he was wrong that it was too early for love, and said he just got carried away. Oops.

John and Stasi Eldredge have really hit home with their assertion that women are always worried about being too much. We are told by men and society that we are too needy, too clingy, too obsessive, too jealous, too something. We are too emotional. We should be cool and clear-headed like men. We should think with our heads and not with our hearts.

This really resonates with me because it is so true. I am always worried I will be too much. I will be too needy. Too clingy. Too annoying. I will be too emotional. I will be too draining. Too depressed. Too insecure. Too possessive. Too submissive. Too intense.

My Dom professes to like these things about me. I believe him. Yet, in some deep part of my heart, I keep part of it locked away. I keep the last tiny bit of control from him. Because the world, and society, and especially my experiences and past hurts, have taught me that nothing and no one can be trusted. People will entice you with happiness and then fail you, on accident if not intentionally. They will hurt you. They will promise you the moon and then take it away. They will swear they want all of you and then when you hesitantly open the door, they get overwhelmed and change their minds. They leave you. They hurt you.

In essence, they reject you.

And that is why control is so hard to give up, even after years of TTWD. Because some part of me wants to protect that last, tiny bit of myself. Some part of me feels safer if there are areas I can control. What I wear, how I dress, what I eat, where I work, how I talk, decisions I make, when we have sex. "It's my job! It's my body!" For each sub I'm sure these areas are different, but we all have them: areas where we want to be in control. Areas where we are afraid to let go.

Dominant Blogs

I read a lot of submissive blogs. Lately, I'm trying to find more blogs by Dominants.

And I mean good, quality blogs. Blogs written by men in committed relationships with one submissive woman. Men who have something worthwhile to share about their dominance and how their relationships work.

So far, here are some I've been impressed with:

• (Not So) Random Thoughts by Omega. Omega is a Master to the submissive blogger Mouse.


• A Dominant Character by Sir J. He is a 24/7 Dom who's been married 23 years.


• Husbandly Touch by Mick. Mick and his wife are in a DD relationship.


• Goreans of Reality. Jake's Kajira keeps copies of her Master Jake's writings here. He has good insights on how his slave's mind works.


• A Neo Dom's Journey by Neo Dom Tom. He and his wife have been in a full-time BDSM relationship for over a year.


• A Dauntless Journey by Dauntless Vitality. DV writes theoretical articles about how M/s and D/s work.


• The Training of My Lovely Slut by William. He is a Dom who uses elements of DD in his marriage.

I will add that all of these men are still actively blogging as of June 2011. I try not to follow bloggers who fall off the face of the earth. :) If they stop blogging in the future and the links no longer work, I claim no responsibility.

If you enjoy their writings, please support them by leaving a comment. And let them know Sexperts sent you their way!

When Anxiety Hits

The last few days, I have been struggling with anxiety again.

I've been off medicine for about 6 months, right before we got pregnant. It was hard at first, but eventually that terrible first trimester ended and life became sane and happy again. Since then, I've been doing fine.

This week, I can tell I'm having a resurgence of anxiety issues. I can tell this because my "coping mechanisms" are popping back up again. Things like feeling fatigued all the time, feeling tired for no reason, wanting nothing more than to crawl into bed and nap when I'm sad, obsessively chewing my nails or gnawing my fingers, getting overwhelmed quickly during arguments and lapsing into the silent treatment, and having the desire to shut myself into rooms or closets.

I'm not sure exactly what's causing it, but it could be many things: pregnancy, moving, living with my Dom again after 6 weeks apart, being off the anti-anxiety medicine.

I try to stick with my less-unhealthy coping mechanisms, for example chewing my nails is far preferable to shutting myself into a closet. But it's still hard, and once I get into a funk I can stay there for days.

My Dom is trying to help me come up with healthy ways to manage my anxiety. He suggested exercise, but I hate exercise at the best of times, and there is just no way I am going to have the energy to exert myself when I am 5 months pregnant and my stomach skin is already painfully stretched out just from walking around. I'm also trying to drink plenty of water. I wonder if having regular sex would be good; it's not something we normally do but it might be a way for me to get exercise and stress relief without having to actually get out and run in the heat.

My Dom has also figured out that just getting me out of the house can help. So does eye contact with him--I find it grounding-- and having a list of things to get done that I can cross off and feel productive about. I whine and try desperately to stay in bed, but he looks into my eyes and tells me our plan, and eventually I get happier once we're out and doing things. I like having a purpose, even if it's just small things. For example, yesterday we went to lunch and then to run errands. Lunch was pretty miserable; I was grouchy and picking fights, but by the time we'd run 2-3 errands I was feeling better, so we ran a few more and then went and got a Tropical Sno and that cheered me up considerably. :)

Tropical Sno can really solve all ills. There's something about that brightly-colored sugar that just cheers me immeasurably.

I've never met a family member or boyfriend who knew me well enough or had sufficient control over my emotions to drag me out of an anxious, unhappy funk. It's just one more reason I think D/s control is helping our relationship. My Dom doesn't use it to get off or have an unpaid servant; he uses it to take care of me and keep me healthier. Because he has sway over my emotions, he can help me when they get out of hand. And for him, he enjoys the control and having a wife who is calmer and happier. It works well for both of us.

Sexy Showers and D/s questions

My Dom and I are trying, still again, to find the right balance to our D/s dynamic.

It can be really hard. D/s is just like any other aspect of our lives: our marriage, our sex life, our D/s dynamic, our finances. It takes a while of jiggling things around and talking and fighting and complaining and communicating and changing things until we find a vibe that fits right for both of us. I feel like, by now, we've gotten the marriage part figured out. We had trouble adjusting at the beginning but now we've settled into a groove that works for both of us. But the sex and D/s part? Those are more difficult.

They are definitely improving, don't get me wrong. But sometimes we see things differently. We are trying to create our own brand of D/s that is as full-time or part-time, as intense or laid back, as we want it. We are also trying to maintain D/s that fits us as Christians. While we've explored CDD and Taken in Hand, and those are very similar to what we want, I think what we're leaning toward lately is a bit closer to traditional D/s, only with a Christian dynamic.

It doesn't help when we argue about it or fight over whose fault it is that we don't have a perfect romance book-style D/s relationship. This is usually my fault, but the other night he told me he didn't think I was capable of D/s because I'm too emotionally inconsistent and getting a taste of my own medicine really hurt my feelings. Why bother to work at building a kind of relationship your partner doesn't even think you're capable of? Yet, as with so many things in a marriage, it is easy to turn to blaming others when things don't go right instead of communicating.

While I tend to complain and blame more, it's also hard because he doesn't communicate as well or as readily as I do. He doesn't feel the need for constant talking about our D/s relationship to maintain it that way I do. He is a man of actions, while I am a woman of words. Of course I want actions too, such as him following through with what he says he'll do, but I prefer to have the words first. If I'm not clearly given a command or specifically told what to do or not do, and then he punishes me for not doing it, I feel it is unfair since the expectations were not clearly, VERBALLY, stated.

My Dom sees a D/s relationship as one where the sub submits readily; I see it as one where I am forced to submit. Both these are valid kinds of submission; for instance, CDD is more similar to what my husband wants, and Taken in Hand is more similar to what I want, and I've seen BDSM-style D/s relationships that work both ways, although I think they are more often what my Dom prefers.

My Dom thinks scenes and domination should just happen organically and not seem too forced; I want to be in fairly constantly communication about our D/s and work at it all the time to make sure we sustain the lifestyle 100% of the time and not just when it "happens."

My Dom thinks a scene can be a success even if I don't like it. I used to think he was wrong, but now I can see his point. For instance, last weekend he tortured my nipples and spanked me for fighting him. I never got past my "mad-pissed-off-sub" headspace into my "calm, happy sub" headspace, because the pain escalated too fast and was never an enjoyable pain for me. I was just in a mood, I guess. I didn't think it was fair that he spanked me for fighting pain, when it is such a natural reaction! I also didn't think it was fair that he spanked me for fighting him, when the reason I was fighting was because he was accidentally pressing into my pregnant stomach and causing pain, but I couldn't tell him that due to the gag.

So at the end of the scene, I was pissed instead of calm, drowsy, and submissive. I thought the scene was a failure, but I was wrong. Although I didn't like the way he did it at the time, he still dominated me, and I still felt dominated, even if I was pissy about it. Later that night, I dressed up for him and wore more makeup than I had in a long, long time. I was more worried about what he wanted me to wear than before. I asked him what perfume I should wear and which eyeshadow color he'd prefer me in. At dinner with our friends, I got up and got him a plate of food without being asked. The next day, I acquiesced to sex even when I wasn't really interested, and afterward, I gave him head while kneeling before him in the shower and soaping his body with my hands. Instead of seeing fellatio as a chore, I actually enjoyed these actions, and was able to relax and let him slide farther down my throat than I had before. At the end of the shower, I even got him a towel and brought his clothes into the bathroom for him.

These actions are NOT things I'd do in my normal headspace. I'm not a naturally submissive person. In fact, my feminist mother would be ashamed I did those things at all. But I noticed that I was doing them. I wanted to please. I wanted him to be happy. And I wanted to serve him.

Obviously, I was wrong about the bad scene = bad domination. Just because I didn't like the scene at the time, I assumed it was not a success. Boy, was I wrong! We had the hottest time ever in the shower. The pain he caused me and the control he wielded had an effect on my psyche, even when I did not enjoy the pain, and it caused me to feel more submissive for the next day.

We are also trying to figure out questions like: What do we do on days when I don't feel as submissive? When he doesn't feel as dominant? How do we keep D/s alive all the time and not just in the bedroom? How can he make me feel submissive without causing me physical pain? How do I maintain that great "subby" feeling without getting sad and mopey 24 hours later? How do we maintain D/s in a non-sexual way? I'm in favor of more rules, but my Dom is more laid back and doesn't like to make and enforce a lot of rules like some Doms do. These are questions we are trying to find the answers to.

As always, you can expect I'll be blogging about the journey to find the answers. :)

Even apart, the domination continues

Even though we are currently living apart while he starts a new job and I finish my old one and get our things packed, when we are together I find my Dom is being even more controlling of me. Sometimes I complain, but I am slowly growing used to it and accepting it. He wants to take our relationship to a deeper D/s dynamic, and I'm basically adjusting as it happens. He isn't asking me, but I have asked for more D/s in the past and so he knows I am okay with it on some level, even if outwardly I sometimes struggle against the control.

From long-distance, domination for us is very small. I know some couples who do great and creative long-distance D/s, such as a Mistress who forces her male sub to spank himself 150 times with the paddle and document it for her with pictures or webcam.

My husband and I don't do anything that intense. I've simply noticed little things, like him bossing me around more over the phone. When I pout and say, "You're being bossy!" he just grins and doesn't answer. I've also noticed that when we are together, he tells me things like, "You're mine" more often than he used to. I really enjoy it. On some level, if I hear it enough, I start to believe it. I may pout and complain and tell him I'm my own woman, but he doesn't give in and eventually he always wins... either by simple, calm waiting or, when I keep being stubborn, my pinching my nipples until I writhe and tell him he's right.

As I drove home today he told me on the phone that he'd enjoyed sex this weekend when we were together even more than usual. I asked him why, and he said it was because he felt like he was "taking" me both times. This is a fantasy that really turns him on (and it's not bad for me either, heh heh). I think this is since I'm 1.) pregnant and 2.) far from him, I feel and act a lot needier when we are together. This makes me act clingy and needy instead of stubborn and independent. When I act like I need his strength and masculinity (which I do), he reacts by feeling more turned on. I liked it because he felt, physically and emotionally, more masculine and in control. As a result of my neediness and femininity, his erection was stronger and he held me tighter and kissed me more passionately. Sex felt different than it ever had: he was holding me really tightly and kissing me harder than ever before. It was an awesome feeling when he came and gasped into my mouth as our tongues met. Even after sex was over, I kept wanting him to kiss me like that forever. We hadn't made out that ferociously since we were dating.

So that's my story for this weekend. I feel like we are heading in a good place. He is still being just as loving, kind, and forgiving as he has always been, but he's just being a bit more stern and commanding and I'm feeling free to be more emotional and show my weaknesses more.

I'm finally home. The laundry is on and the cats were happy I was back--they hate it when I leave so often now. They'd run out of water while I was away, even though I filled the dish the day I left, so they have basically been taking turns gulping out of the fresh water dish since my return. I'm hoping to relax some before the work week starts, and then see my honey soon.

Au revoir!

Nice Guys Always Finish Last? Don't Think So.

I'm so tired of men who complain that "nice guys always finish last."

The question is, do they? I don't think so.

I know many, many nice, stable, Christian men with stable jobs, nice guy friends, and a host of healthy hobbies who have married gals looking for just those qualities. My husband is only one of them.

The problem with the old adage, "Nice guys finish last," is... how do you define "nice"?

Now, if by "nice" you mean moody, sensitive, submissive, touchy, easily hurt, and unable to lead... sure, those guys finish last. But I think they're kidding themselves if they whine that it's because they are "nice."

It's not because you're nice. Sure, there are a minority of women out there who don't like nice guys and would rather find a leather-clad drug addict who can yell at them and hit them and make them cry. But that's not most of us.

Most of us want a guy who will care about our emotions, be friendly toward our mothers, hug us when we're sad, and take care of us when we're sick. That's good nice.

But we don't want a guy who "lets" us make most of the decisions, doesn't like conflict, won't stand up for himself, and is afraid to tell us no and give us a stern look every once in a while. That's bad nice. And our society is kicking out more and more of these guys.

On the first few dates, they're hard to tell apart from the good nice guys. But eventually, we start to notice little things. Like that he is afraid to say anything that will upset his mother. That he wants us to pick where we'll go and what we'll do, because all he is capable of saying is, "I don't care where we eat/what we do/what movie we see." A guy who will get his feelings hurt and then not tell us about it. A guy who complains a lot about his boss and work environment, but never actually goes and talks to his boss about it. A guy who prefers to give us whatever we want instead of risking making us angry. A guy who will always apologize, but never expect to be apologized to.

That's bad nice. In fact, I don't even consider it "nice." I'd call that passive.

There are some Domme women out there who enjoy submissive men and cultivate great relationships with them. There are also some powerhouse vanilla women out there just itching for a husband they can boss around and treat like a servant (they won't ever word it that way. They'll say, "It makes him happy to make me happy").

But most women want a man they can lean on and trust in an emergency. Someone who can protect them emotionally and physically, and that means having the physical power to do it and the emotional balls to follow through. Sure, they want a nice man who loves and provides for them, but they also want someone who can make strong decisions, discipline their children, and stand up for their family against evil bosses and in-laws.

So quit whining that "I'm just too nice, I guess."

It's not that you're too nice, because there is no such thing as being too nice. It's that aside from being a nice guy, you're also a pushover or indecisive or a wimp or passive. You probably don't like to look at yourself that way, so you make excuses like you're "nice."

Be honest with yourself. Who are the heroes of romance novels? Warriors. Heroes. Strong men. Men who are willing to stand up for themselves and their women and their families, physically if they have to, but most certainly verbally and emotionally. Men who are willing to fight battles and go out on a limb. They're probably also nice, wonderful husbands and caring fathers, but they're still men.

Think about it.

Lady Lubyanka's First Experience with Subspace

For you Dominants out there, I thought I'd share a great blog post I just found: Lady Lubyanka's First Experience with Subspace.

A lot of BDSM and sex toy sites are of a dismally low quality, and I'm quite choosy about which links I share on my blog. Trust me, this one is great. Lady Lubyanka is a great writer and hilarious.

The story is from when she was a new Domme playing for the first time with a male sub. It was her first experience putting a sub into subspace, and I think it's a great learning tool for tops. Enjoy!

Why Can't He Be In Charge?

Why, according to most strangers I meet, is my husband obviously the "man" and therefore the obedient servant in our marriage?

Please don't misunderstand me. I'm quite grateful for women's rights in this country, and I think my husband is, too. But in recent years, it has become the norm to assume that in most married partnerships, the woman is the one who wears the pants in the family. She makes the decisions, she makes the schedules, she doles out the responsibilities, and the man just obeys. Probably the man works longer hours and makes more money, but home is "her domain" and he is probably little more than a helper there.

Where do people get these ideas?

Once, my husband and I were out at the grocery store with a mutual friend. I saw some frozen waffles I wanted and asked if we could get them. My Dom said sure and grabbed the box. Our friend laughed and said, "He probably had no choice, did he?"

Well, first off, my Dom would probably never tell me no on something as silly and small as frozen blueberry waffles, but still. Why did our friend automatically assume that anything I want, I get? Because I am the woman. I am the wife. The better half, the one who is assumed to be in charge. Like my husband couldn't veto me on buying some waffles?

It bugs me when people assume I'm the woman so I must have the emotional and financial control in the relationship, and that my husband's one goal in life is to make me happy. (Lucky for me, it probably is, but it's because he wants it that way for our relationship and because he loves me, not because he's a wuss who has nothing better to do than wait on me hand and foot.)

Yesterday, I was at a rehearsal for a play I'm in. An actor was missing for the night, and it was causing some problems as everyone tried to figure out where exactly we needed to go. Since my husband was there early to pick me up, I asked him to come stand in for the missing actor. Of course, this is an easy request and he came over without hesitation. Another actor, one who had never met my husband before, looked at me admiringly and said, "He's very obedient."

Really??!?!

In our society, unequal treatment of women continues, but now I think it's getting out of balance the other way. If a woman is in charge of her husband, bosses him around, and has him run errands for her, that is considered normal. On the other hand, if any man tried to get away treating his wife that way in this day and age, oh boy would that be looked down upon! Strangers automatically assume that if we're married, I'm in charge of most things and his job is to make me happy.

My own mother, a very strong feminist who has been living in completely female-dominated relationships for the last 25 years, even subscribes to this kind of thought. She bosses her new husband around without a thought, but I've never once seen her get up to do him a favor or to get him something from the kitchen. She takes it for granted that my marriage is the same. "Call [my husband's name] and tell him to come let me in the house," she told me once. Since was the one who wanted into our home, and she has his phone number in her phone, I asked why she didn't just call him and ask herself. "Because," she said simply, "he'll take it better if you boss him around than if I do."

Wow.

"Mom," I told her steadily, my voice very low and quiet, "I'm not going to boss him around. I'm going to call him and ask him to come let you in. And he will either say yes or no."

My mother didn't answer, but I'm sure she thought that was ridiculous. To her, and to many women these days, a "husband" is someone who serves as bread-winner, lover, protector, friend, and servant.

Of course, my husband does nice things for me all the time. He gets up to get me a blanket or turn up the heat when I'm cold. He cooks and cleans when it needs done. But he's not my servant, my slave, or my inferior. He's a nice man who does what he can to make our lives more comfortable for both of us. He loves me, and therefore he treats me with the same caution and tender care that I imagine Jesus would if He were still on earth. But, like Jesus, my husband doesn't confuse servant leadership with servanthood. If the day came that I started to expect those things, or failed to be grateful and submissive to him, I'm sure he'd stop.

So why, in a society where we've worked so hard to make women and men equal partners in marriages and parenthood, is it considered normal for the woman to be The Boss? We complain that men act like teenage boys, all sex and games and hanging out with their buddies, all boob-watching and joke-making, but we treat them like the lesser half of an unequal partnership. If we want men to act like men, we have to start treating them like men.

Tale of Relaxing Bath and Sex

I've started work this week and been very busy. We haven't had time to spend time together, much less have sex or engage in BDSM.

But last week, we had a nice session. After my Dom read my post, Positive and Negative Energy in BDSM, he seemed to understand that for me to feel safe being hurt and used, I need to be taken care of first; in other words, my "emotional love tank" needs to be filled up before he can take me out for a spin. Otherwise, I'm on empty and it just won't work.

So he took good care of me, and it was lovely to be pampered and loved for a nice change. (Not that he doesn't always love me... I meant the pampering part!)

My Dom brought me a list of possible food dishes and told me to pick my favorite and he'd make it for us for dinner. This was so sweet! He'd already put thought into dinner before asking me. I picked double cheeseburger Hamburger Helper, one of my favorite comfort foods, and he let me rest, relax, and read while he whipped up dinner (if you can't tell, service is not one of my kinks).

After we enjoyed a hearty meal, we spent some time together watching True Blood and catching up on episodes, then he drew me a hot bath. There is something so romantic about drawing a woman a bath, in my opinion. Of course, any woman is capable of turning on her own water, washing her own hair and skin, and pouring in bubble bath herself--- but when someone else loves you enough to do all that for you, it is a wonderful feeling. I certainly can understand why so many Doms and Mistresses love having service as a kink, because being taken care of by someone who loves you is a great feeling. (Actually, I suppose just being taken care of is great, otherwise people would not pay for services like hair cuts, massages, and manicures.... it's the service that makes them so special!).

We didn't have any bubble bath, or else he didn't think of it, but he did draw me a hot bath and sit there with me while I soaked. He washed my hair, one of his favorite activities and something no one else has ever done for me. He even had warm towels in the dryer so I could be snuggly and warm when I got out. I've never had freshly-dried towels after a bath before, but they were wonderful! It made me feel like I was being pampered at a very special spa instead of my own bathroom.

People may think it's strange for a Dom to being the pampering, instead of being pampered, and a lot of D/s relationships are based on service for the Dom. I don't get turned on by offering service, but I certainly feel loved when my Dom takes the time to care for me and love me, and this TLC was just what I needed after a very stressful last few weeks. He ever washed my feet for me.

Once my hair was brushed and we were ready for bed, after all that pampering I finally felt emotionally safe enough to let him make love to me. Sex is often a really, really negative and draining experience for me, and lots of research on sexual abuse tells me why, but it doesn't make the feeling go away. Just because I know I am completely normal to have this reaction does not make it any easier on my marriage when I am 95% of the time repulsed by or just uninterested in sex. But for me, sex is so draining and scary that if I don't feel really, really loved and safe, I just can't get myself interested. Taking such wonderful care of me and pampering me made me feel safe and more open to a sexual experience.

We were able to enjoy each other and he gave me several orgasms before entering me and coming himself. He wanted to use the vibrator on me and choke me (lightly!) when I came, and it was super hot to me. When we were done and all cleaned off, we snuggled up and went to bed.

Of course, the next day we had a fight which just ruined my happy, sex-might-not-be-so-bad feeling, but while it lasted, it was lovely. :)

The Conquered Submissive

Many slaves and submissives in D/s relationships talk about concepts with clever little catch phrases like true submissive, authentic submission, freely given, and obedience.

While these type of forum discussions are certainly in the majority, those catch phrases make me squirm. Not in a good way.

I can admit it. I do not want to submit. I do not want to simper, kneel, bow, or modestly lower my eyes. I do not want to give him anything, I do not consider myself to have a true submissive personality, I do not have a longing to serve and I do not go quietly into that good night of consensual slavery.

Call me intelligent, call me mouthy, call me proud, call me haughty, call me educated, call me a feminist. You'd be right. I just can't give my husband submission. People are equals. I don't give my respect, and especially not my freedom, lightly. I give them to those powerhouse people in my life who earn it, people who awe me, people who defeat me.

I love, love reading the many submissive blogs out there by writers such as MD's Precious Treasure, Jake's Kajira, Peacefully Submissive (she's in labor right now, by the way!), Luna's Submissive Guide, and Persephone in Love. I learn so much, and I enjoy hearing about how a submissive woman can find true meaning, peace, and happiness with her mate.

But those women aren't me.

I don't want to be told not to sit on the toilet seat or denied an orgasm. I want to be conquered. I want to be dominated. I want to be subdued.

Because I'm a linguist, I have to point this out: did you notice that all those words I just used to describe what I want are derived from the verb form of the word? It's all about the action. To describe me as "submissive" rings false to me because I, while I greatly respect the women who do, do not get my main sense of identity from being dormant or servile. I don't want the identity of a submissive; I want to be with a man who holds the title of Dominant. He can be a dominant, a master, a warrior, a king. I want to get my identity, not from the quality of my actions, but from him. Who is he. That is where I want to derive my identity, and with it all the adjectives I use to describe myself.

Is this possible? I don't know. But at least I'm not alone.

It took me a long time to dredge these up out of the vast internet abyss (I know there's a lack of information by other people on this kind of D/s relationship because one of the first Google search results was mine), but eventually I managed to pull out a few "conquered" women posts and blogs after wading through the much vaster and more popular expanse of the blogs of willing slaves and submissives. Jake'skajira (her real name is Emma)'s blog was immensely helpful to me during my search; other than me, she is one of the few submissive women I know who struggles with the idea of being "submissive" and feels another label fits her better (I use "conquered," she uses "prey").

Here's what Emma had to say in How We Met:

He kissed me and put me in my car, I went home and furiously masturbated to the idea of him coming and forcing himself on me.

We weren't "bdsm" or Master and slave, but the reason I proposed to him, was because I asked him, "I think a wife is property of her husband, do you have an issue with that?"

He knew he wanted a D/s style relationship with someone who was adaptable and mold-able... who didn't mind his being a control freak. I was looking for an "old fashioned relationship with a man who wouldn't let me walk all over him and could put up with my crazy shit."

And here are some quotes that really resonated with me from her post Submissive:

I am not service oriented, I don't "obey" or do things the way most people who identify as submissive do (title wise). I submit in the true sense of the word, when I am pushed, and forced, I submit. I lower my eyes, even as I cuss him out. My body language gives me away even when my mind is rebelling, its so instinctual in my wiring, that I can't help it.

It's the deer-in-head light look when he catches me off guard, its the way I say no and fight him, but if he pushes hard enough, I give in.

I am not wired like that. I am not "submissive" in the sense of how most people use it here on fetlife.

It's easy to call yourself submissive when you willingly are doing it, when you acknowledge that you want to do those things... think in my head, its easier for me to think of being victimized or prey, then feel weak as a person to submit to things I hate.

It's easy to say yes. It's easy to call yourself submissive when its a choice.

It's a whole nother ball game when it's not a choice.

Amen, sister! I really liked the part about how she feels different from most submissives on Fetlife, but that doesn't make her any less of a submissive in a D/s relationship, which she has. And it's so true that it's easy to be a sub when it's what you want, what you crave and desire, and when you have needs to be of service that get met. It's a lot harder when you don't have a need to submit, but you do have a need to fight and be defeated by a strong, fearless man who will love and protect and yes, even defeat you.

This sub on an online forum also echoed these same ideas of wanting to be conquered:

In my public life i am a brassy, confident woman. However, in my mind I have always wanted to be taken, owned and conquered.

The advice given to her in the forum? Take baby steps. Sigh.

Although it isn't technically a BDSM site, I went to Taken in Hand hoping they, at least, would have some pro-women-not-being-doormats articles, and as usual, I was not disappointed. I can always count on TiH to have a good mix of willingly submissive and completely conquered women.

One article, The Subjection of Women (do they mean the "subjugation" of women????) had these words of wisdom, music to my bratty ears:

Some women want and need to be brought into subjection. They crave the man's control and respond positively to active control, but without active control on his part submission is impossible. These women cannot fake submission; it must be real. It cannot be a pretence, a role-playing game or a lifeless cardboard cut-out imitation. It must be from the heart and soul, no hint of artificiality, acting or mendacity. But when a man brings such a woman into subjection and thereby releases her delitescent submissiveness, the power and reality and unforced naturalness of her submission can be awe-inspiring.

I also love DeeMarie's thoughtful article, The Importance of Conquest:

When I describe myself as “submissive” I mean something rather specific: I mean that I really enjoy being conquered by a strong, masculine, dominant man, and being forced to surrender to him. But I don't just submit to a man if he is not able and willing to actually conquer me. I don't even quite know what that would mean. I find it hard to relate at all to the idea of submission without conquest. If the man is just going to sit there like a lump of jello and not actively dominate me, then why in the world would I submit to him? I might as well ‘submit’ to the sofa.

A wonderful, wonderful article on conquering women that should be read by all Dominant men and women and all subs can be found on the Taken in Hand website. I'm not sure if the author is a man or a woman (I hope a man, because I want to marry him?), but if you're struggling with the idea of conquering as opposed to submitting, this article offers a candid look at consensual non-consent and answers such important questions and issues as these:


* Bring a woman into subjection? No! I must have consent, or I will not control. I abhor violence! I am a firm believer in fully equal rights for women.
* What I want is a submissive woman who will willingly surrender, not a shrew who needs to be tamed.

* Forced submission? If submission is not freely given, I don't want it!

* If she wants her man to lead, why doesn't she just follow him?”
* Why would a man have any interest in fighting a woman for control?”
* Why bother?
* Sounds like a lot of work to me. Why would any man want a woman who is so difficult?”

To read more of this insightful, awesome article, click here.

And good luck in your conquering.

P.S. The Subjection of Women links for some reason aren't working; simply refresh the page or re-click the http once you get the 403 error and it will go straight there!

Vulnerability and Training a Slave

One of the benefits of BDSM relationships is its openness to complete vulnerability.

In BDSM scenes, both the top and the bottom can let go and be completely, nakedly open. Their most evil thoughts and desires? Open. Their most needy, pathetic thoughts? Bared. It's an incredibly vulnerable experience, one that often frightens me to no end.

Vulnerability can be a positive thing when received by a loving, self-controlled Master who will not abuse or take advantage of the sub. Read this affirmation of his subs by Jack Rinella:

Frankly I will correct every negative statement uttered by a submissive. I will remind them that they are good people, beautiful and capable. I will do my best to back my words with actions that support, encourage, and affirm their very high worth as humans.

The vulnerability found in BDSM can be a beautiful, albeit frightening, experience. Masters can make or break their slaves. I think it is perhaps this utter control that frightens vanilla writers who are so against BDSM. They want (rightly) to protect the weak from being annihilated by a power-hungry Master. And it is true that BDSM involves a scary level of power exchange. Lives and emotional wellbeing can be in danger. Do some Masters use this power for destruction and pain? Sure. That's why subs and aspiring slaves must be very careful to find a Master like the one described above, one who uses his complete power to build up and heal, not annihilate or destroy. To be a good Master is a large responsibility. If the idea of accidentally breaking your sub doesn't frighten you, it should.

Power is like fire, according to Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton, authors of The New Bottoming Book. Fire can destroy if uncontrolled. Fire can provide heat and light if used carefully. Like everything, BDSM can be abused. It can also be wielded carefully and with forethought, and can illuminate the life of the holders.

When you give control to someone, if that person has a clue what he or she is doing, things can progress very fast. In an article about vulnerability, Master Stuart's pet says:

My transition from novice sub to trained sub to enslaved collared pet was a speedy one.

But sometimes my Dom is not sure how to make me progress from "novice sub" to "trained sub" and especially not to "enslaved sub." Some people progress very quickly, others not at all. I hope I don't turn out to be one of those not-at-all people.

Vulnerability for me, right now, can be a huge turn-off. But I still enjoy the physical vulnerability of BDSM. So maybe I can't always open myself, mind and emotions, but I can enjoy the simulation of that sacred act by being physically overpowered, physically vulnerable.

Sometimes my Dom acts out of anger or what a vanilla asshole would do, which can be easily confused with what a BDSM Master would do, but are rarely the same despite their seeming similarities. But B.E.S.T. slave training says

The Master should not apply consequences out of anger. The consequences should be well thought out and appropriate to "fit the crime." The purpose is to modify the slave’s behavior so that it pleases her Master.

The point here is for the Master to be slowly, with an end goal in sight, working toward that goal. He wants to change the sub to be more pleasing to him, so no sub will be trained exactly the same way by a different Master. In a relationship with one Master, my training could be completely different from another. I've heard of Masters who make slaves walk without swinging their left arms, slaves who can't use the furniture, and slaves who have to stop using pads and tampons during their periods. It's completely up to what that Master wants.

Of course, when you start a training program, you should expect resistance. Subs and slaves are humans, and no matter how much they want to be a submissive, you are both fighting a lifetime of social norms and millenia of cultural information. Women and men are raised to act a certain way, and this can be seen throughout history. A free, consensual slave is unheard of in the annals of history, and so the two of you must slowly and painstakingly erase hundreds of pages from your mental history textbooks and refill the pages with your own story, without any help from anyone else. How do you want your slave to look? to act? to think? to be? It's a hard question to answer, and one that could take hours and weeks of thought.

For more info for Doms and Masters, check out these articles:

• The Difference Between Dominant and Domineering


• Dom Training: Managing a Slave

Bondage Rope and Shots Scenes

The other day, my Dom used our bondage rope for a wonderfully devious purpose--to force me to do his will during the scene. Instead of tying my wrists or ankles with the rope, he looped it around my neck in a gentle knot. I was stuck.

This extra control was great for him, because with just a slight tug or pull he could force my head and body to go wherever he wanted them. He forced me to kneel before him on a pillow, tugging at the rope whenever I was too hesitant or slow for his liking. Then he forced me to give him head, even with me saying no and protesting and turning my head away, by pulling on the cord around my neck until I had no choice but to take him in my mouth. (For those new to the blog, we have a relationship of consensual non-consent and I am always allowed to use my safeword.)

I can't lie, the control was hot. Not the things we were doing, but being forced to do them. With just a soft rope around my neck and him pulling it like a leash or lead, I was at his mercy. I think we both enjoyed it.

Later, we went to a hookah bar since I'd never tried the hookah bar. Some people we knew were there, so we stayed very late, and during that time I told him "no" several times, so afterwards for my punishment he took me to a seedy bar and made me take 2 double shots of whiskey, which I don't like. I pouted and whined and promises to be better next time, but he was completely firm, and no amount of pleading, cajoling, or rationalizing worked. Finally, I took my two shots worth of punishment and we headed on home, me feeling tipsy and even more at his control. We ended the night by cuddling up in bed and falling into an exhausted sleep, but it was a very fun night out.

Today has been rather unactive. My Dom found a kitten outside that was obviously alone and hungry so we've let her in and given her food and toys. Our two kitties are very unhappy with this; one is watching her every move like a hawk and the other is hiding in the back bedroom. I'd love to keep her, but we can't keep three kitties so I will eventually put her up for adoption. She's a cute cat and very young so we hope we'll find her a good home.

Well, that's all my news for the day. I think the scene from last night was very good, so if you like any of the ideas, feel free to use them as suggestions for your own scene ideas with your sub or Dom.

Oh, and I'm on Twitter now, so if you want to follow me, go to http://twitter.com/Sexperts_!

I'm Lovin' It

Yes, I'm humming the McDonald's theme song.... and not because I like Mickey D's (ew), but because I'm happy in my D/s relationship.

I don't think it matters if you are vanilla, M/s, D/s, Taken in Hand, codependent, CDD, or whatever else you want to be, as long as you are both happy. In fact, even though I identify as D/s as well as CDD and Taken in Hand, I still have long and fruitful talks with my vanilla girlfriends about sex, relationships, and men. Relationships are just relationships, and even my BDSM marriage has more in common with a vanilla relationship than it differs.

Right now, I'm frustrated because Blogger doesn't have a gadget so I can publish my comments that I make to other people's blogs. There are so many great blogs out there to do with D/s, that I find through the blogrolls of the blogrolls of my Google Readers, and I comment on them because they're good and they make me think. I want my readers to be able to see these great blogs as well as my comments on them, and I also want to be able to find these blogs later once my "internet trail" is all but forgotten in a blitz of right-clicking and opening new tabs from the blogs I'm on. I'm always amazed by how many good D/s blogs there are out there.

So why am I happy?

I got a lot of sleep. That's always awesome for me. I was traveling the last five days and up late every night. When I got home, I kept my exhausted body up til 2:30 am with my husband, first fighting and then making love, and I slept until 2:30 in the afternoon the next day! (!!!!!) I mean, I normally sleep til 8:30 or 9 am. Sleeping in til 10:30 is a great morning for me. I cannot remember a time I have ever slept that late, but it really screwed up my sleep schedule since at 5:30 am this morning I was awakened by a purring kitty and felt wide awake.

I'm also happy because of the cats. We have two kitties, near and dear to my heart. One of them, the snobby one I've had since she was a kitten, is cuddly and nice about once a week, and the rest of the time is aloof, grouchy, needy, jealous, and whiny. But today, since I was gone for five days, she has been purring and laying on my lap, even though I'm typing.

The other one we adopted when she was about a year old from a family who had saved her from being put down by a neglectful owner. I'm not sure WHY this owner would ever put her down, since she is the most laid back, low-maintenance, lovey and friendly cat I have ever met. It makes me so mad when people do not take care of their animals. When we got her, she was ugly and scrawny, bony with nasty, gross-feeling yellowed fur that felt icky no matter how many times I gave her a bath. Now, a year after being in a happy, healthy home with regular access to nutrition and meals, she is a gorgeous, white, chubby kitty with soft, fluffy, healthy fur. I'd like to just punch her old owners in the face, whoever they were.

Anyway, this second one is usually pretty self-sufficient and uses humans only to be petted. I knew she loved to cuddle and get pets, but I assumed I was about as important to her as any warm machine that could deliver the same amount of cuddles and pets. However, leaving for 5 days has proved me wrong! She has followed me around for two days now, purring at a ridiculously loud volume and basically loving all over me. Cuddles, tummy rubs, purrs, kneading, and batting at the air have been going on for two straight days now. I think she actually missed me! In fact, last night I climbed in to bed, and she climbed up and flopped down next to me and started rolling on her back and pawing the air so energetically that she forgot where she was and slid right off the bed. It was hilarious! I saw her realize she was going down, too, and her little ears went back and she tried to grab the bedsheets as she slid down with a crash. It was pretty funny!

Anyway, aside from cats and lots of sleep, I'm happy in my relationship. It's such a strange feeling for me, after years of never trusting or being happy. Trust and happiness are still elusive for me, but it's improving. I don't always trust my Dom, but I'm slowly starting to more and more. We both hope that after years of marriage, I will eventually be able to open my heart to him and be fully healed.

We've had sex three times in three days, which is unheard of for us with my past of sexual abuse. I can go for 4 to 6 weeks with no sex without blinking, which drives him nuts. In fact, he really hurt my feelings the other day by telling me that although sex is great when we have it, the lack of frequency makes our sex life unfulfilling for him. I pride myself on being good at sex, and on fulfilling him in other ways than vaginal intercourse, so that news really, really hurt me---and made me less likely to want to have sex with him. Sexual healing is a vicious cycle.

Last night he gave me some new rules (hurray!) and although I don't like all of them, I am excited to have that structure. I don't think there's such a thing as too many rules for me, as long as he is able to remember and consistently enforce them all.

One of my rules is to have dinner ready at 5:30 pm. Yesterday I was very bad and got hooked on reading blogs, so I had to grab a fast dinner (cold chicken pasta salad on crackers) to get done on time, and I was really cutting it close at 5:28 pm. But I still made it! It wasn't a culinary masterpiece so I'm not really proud of it, but there's so much left over we'll probably have it for dinner the next two nights.

Another of my rules is to be sexually available at all times. This is also hard for me, due to the aforementioned lack of sex. I'm just normally not that interested. Intercourse scares me and makes me feel used and disliked. It's hard to train myself otherwise, even though in my head I know he loves me.

Last night, we had sex and it was very nice. But for some reason, I couldn't handle the "tender lovemaking" scene. I felt needy and spread too thin, like there were a billion ways I could go and I felt completely overwhelmed by them all. I didn't like it when he was trying to bring me pleasure tenderly. It just made me feel panicked. (I'm sure a psychologist would have a field day with this confession, but hey---I admit I've been screwed up and I'm healing, and I admit I prefer a codependent and enmeshed marriage to an independent one.)

Anyway, part of my training---he hasn't said this, but I can tell---is that he's trying to train me to ask for what I want, emotionally and sexually. This is very difficult for me. I tend to hint, or whine, or complain, or demand, or beg, but never simply make a request. I don't know why. Making a request makes me feel too needy, too scared, and too vulnerable, so I attempt other means to get what I want. Unfortunately, he seems to have caught on.

So he's slowly forcing me to make requests. He's stopped responding to my hints and moans and scrunched-up, unhappy faces, even though he usually probably knows what I want. Sigh. He forces me to say the words out loud and finish them with a "please."

Well, I don't like to ask for stuff sometimes. It's embarrassing to ask him for my vibrator or to ask him to hurt me. I feel like those desires aren't "normal" and they are shunned by society. A Christian wife should enjoy lying there, being made love to by her husband. But as a submissive, I want more. I don't want to be made tender love to (at least not usually, but sometimes I do!). I want to be hurt, controlled, and made demands of.

Last night, I needed to be controlled. "Making love" left open too many possibilities that just scared me to death. I wanted to be held down and used. Specifically, I wanted his hand on my throat, threatening that ultimate submission of lack of air.

I whined, and I scrunched up my face, and I twisted around, but he wouldn't do it. I think he knew what I wanted, too. Stubborn man. Sigh. I took his hand and put it back around my throat, but he wouldn't do it. Panicky me.

Finally, he laughed with a low growl and said, "Ask me for what you want."

Sigh. I hate asking. Especially for things society tells me I "shouldn't" want, even though I know in the BDSM community and with my Dom they are perfectly normal and acceptable, things "good girls" don't want or need like being slapped or hit or called names or having their husband grab them by the throat while they're making love. I just need something that makes lovemaking a little less intense and scary while I'm learning how to deal with it.

So, [groan], I asked for it. I even said please. My Dom didn't judge me for wanting to be held down and my throat grabbed, he just did it and kept one or both hands around my throat for the remainer of the time. When he took his hands away, I felt panicky and insecure. When he put them back, I was able to relax and go limp. I don't know why, but I needed that extra control.

Afterward, we cleaned off and drifted to sleep. I like it best when he grabs my hair or throat as I fall asleep, when he squeezes me tight against him with one hand and tangles his hand in my hair and pulls gently with the other hand. I need that slight tug of pain to feel safe as I drift to sleep.

This morning, I woke up at 5:30 because Cuddly Cat was flipping herself out purring so much as she snuggled her little face into my poor chin. Seriously, that cat was LOUD. I'm going to Europe in a few days and I can hardly wait to see how happy they'll be when I come back.

Anyway, I wanted to be squished, hair pulled lightly, body smushed down, but he isn't very good at that when he's sleepy. He just wants to cuddle vanilla-style. But then he woke up and asked if I wanted to have sex.

I was honest and said no, but I'd be willing. So he said okay and he had to go to work soon anyway. I think he wanted a little more enthusiasm on my part.

Well, one of my new rules is that I'm supposed to be available for sex at all times. I assumed this meant I had to be willing, even when I didn't want to. But as soon as I said I was willing, but not excited, he just gave in to me and said okay. So even though I didn't want to have sex, then my feelings were a little hurt because he didn't want to have sex with me. Even when I don't want to have sex, I want him to want me, you see? It's complicated, but then I'm a woman.

So I asked him if my feelings should be hurt, and when he realized I was willing and remembered he'd instructed me to be ready at all times, he went ahead and did it. He had to command me to open my legs a few times, and I wasn't warmed up so it was uncomfortable and it hurt. That excited me, since I like it when he enjoys me with little to no regard to my feelings or desires (maybe not all the time, but it's hot every once in a while!).

He pushed my legs over his head, and that hurt me so much I was crying out in pain, so he took pity on me and slammed me in regular missionary-style position. It hurt a bit, but not so much I couldn't take it, and I think he likes my breathing and cries when I'm in pain. I'm not sure if he knows which noises are "horny" and which ones are "pain," but I think he can normally tell and likes them both equally.

Once he was done, I took a quick shower with him and then he went to work. The sex may not have been mind-blowing orgasmic, but I've noticed that the more we have sex, the more open I am to the idea later, even if I'm not raring to go I'm at least willing. And it makes me just generally more open to his kisses and cuddles for the next several hours as well. I guess sex really is the glue that binds marriages together.

Today, I've been asked to drink some water (so I stay healthy and don't get a UTI from the sex) and also to put away my clothes. I'm not sure if he means my dirty clothes from my trip, or the clean clothes on top of the dresser, so I'll just do both.

It's a hot, muggy summer day here in Missouri, but life is good and I'm a happy sub. I'm finally being given rules, sex, structure, and commands. Life is good!