Husband Punishes Wife Without Spanking

There is a serious lack of information on any sort of husband-led relationship that includes disciplines without spanking. Seriously, every time you type it in, whether you're looking for tips or support or erotic or that damn porn that always creeps up begging for clicks, because heaven forbid you want information not found in highly unrealistic pornography.

We have a relationship with punishment and domination without spanking. In fact, I haven't been spanked in years. Not only because I've been so good. Also because that's not the way our D/s works.

Sex talk or no sex talk?

Some bloggers have mentioned an important topic: do we blog about sex or not? Two recent posts on this topic are by Conina ("On Why I Blog") and Grace ("Intimate Details").

The trend I've noticed is that BDSM blogs have a lot of sex details. It's heavy on what happened and how it happened. On the other hand, DD blogs often skip the intimacy. They talk about punishments and spankings and submission, but don't usually go into detail about the sex.

Of course, each blogger should only share the sexual details he or she wants to. But as a blogger, even if I'm comfortable sharing those sexual details, I have to wonder: will my sharing be offputting to some of my more conservative readers? Will I lose readers if I share too much?

Since I've also blogged about my stance against pornography in my post Porn and the Christian BDSMer, I also worry if, by sharing the dirty details, I'll just gain readers who only read my stories for the sexual titillation. I'm not sure if there's really a moral difference between erotica and porn-- isn't it possible that erotica is just written pornography? It's something I wrestle with.

On the other hand, I feel it's dishonest of me to pretend like punishments aren't erotic for me. Usually, unless I really, really hate one, they are erotic. D/s has definitely helped our sex life, giving it more of a "spark" and making me more interested in sex. This is because, through D/s, I see my husband as more masculine and strong. When we started D/s, I noticed I was much more sexually attracted to him. Suddenly it didn't matter so much what he looked like or that he'd gained 15 pounds and had lost those muscular arms I loved so much when we started dating; I wanted him because he was strong and awe-inspiring! He seemed like such a man to me.

Are there punishments that I hate? Yep. However, there are also punishments that I love. I've gotten aroused and even had orgasms just by being lectured and punished by him. I can't explain why it has that effect on me, but it does.

Still, I was sort of "in the closet" about that. I got the feeling that it was okay to talk about submission and spankings, but not coming or having my nipples pinched. It was okay to talk about crying through a punishment, but not squirting because of one. Spanking and lectures were seen as "okay punishments," but being forced to give him head or submit sexually were "not okay" punishments.

Well, I guess I'm coming out of the proverbial closet. If hearing about my sexual exploits makes my readers uncomfortable, I'm sorry. I'll try not to get too hot n' heavy on the details so I don't offend anyone. I also don't want this to become a place where internet creepers come to get their rocks off on written porn. But I do want to say that sex is part of my punishment dynamic with my husband, a very big part actually, and it's silly for me to feel ashamed of that just because other bloggers keep sex and punishment completely separate. In fact, when I first read about CDD, a big part of the draw was because the stories turned me on mentally in a way I'd not felt for years. The punishment-eroticism was very appealing to me.

Besides, one of my favorite things to do with my girl friends? Talk about sex. It's a rare and precious friendship where you can just talk unashamedly with your friends about your sex lives. It's a way to get things off your chest, discuss your worries and fears, learn from other people, and share part of yourself.

I think that's a good thing to do on my blog.

Want to read more on this topic? Read Bethany's article, Spanking in Relationships, to find out what she thinks of as a mixture between sexuality and spanking in CDD and DD relationships.

No funishment for me

I like the term "funishment."

This is a deragotory term some Doms and Masters in the blogging community use to refer to punishment that the sub actually finds sexy, fun, or pleasurable in some way.

Well, what can I say? Funishment is fun! I'd much rather have a sexy, erotic spanking than a not-sexy, not-erotic spanking. I don't like the spanking or the pain associated with spanking, but at least if I get something emotionally fulfilling (like subspace) or physically fulfilling (like sexual tension) out of the deal, I feel happier about the experience as a whole.

So several weeks ago I did something bad. I honestly can't even remember what it was--- I normally have a really good memory, so blame my pregnant brain. I think it was something to do with church; I remembered the head covering but didn't say anything or go get it to prove that he had, indeed, forgotten again, or something like that. We've been going around and around about that headcovering thing lately, actually. Once or twice I remembered and told him; he then claimed he would have remembered (HA!) and I sulked the rest of church... a few times I remembered and purposefuly did not mention it to prove that he would not remember it without being reminded (he didn't), once he had to threaten to make a big scene in church before I would put it on, and once we had a fight before church and I refused to speak or participate or sing for the first half hour of the service (mature, I know). So it was probably one of those times.

I don't even know why I make such a big deal about the headcovering thing. It doesn't even bother me, and I want to be more biblical in my life. I think it's more because this is an area I test him in, because I think he will forget and/or not enforce it if I don't take the lead on it, and I hate taking the lead on things.

But I digress.

Part of me (okay, most of me) was hoping he would do something sexy for my punishment, which he had done a lot of in the last few months. Not only does that make me feel actually more remorseful (it's easier to feel sad for hurting someone when you're feeling attracted to them and not spitting mad at them!) but it makes me feel more submissive and that lasts for several hours or days afterward. It's a really nice feeling.

And he came up with the most boring, un-sexy punishment EVER!!! I was horrified.

One, I have to wear the headcovering with my mother at church.

I was HORRIFIED. I am terrified my mother will find out about our male-led relationship and judge me for it. I've written before about how my mother the uber-feminist haunts my dreams as I question who I am in this submissive lifestyle. Although my mom lives in the same town as we do, we often go to church at different times, and in the past he had graciously allowed me to not wear the headcovering when she was with us because he knew it made me feel anxious and I worried nonstop about what she would think and what I would say if she asked why I was doing it. But now he wanted me to wear it once with her there, just to teach me a lesson!

Two, I have to volunteer to sing at church.

Ugh. I sing at church, and I'm a good singer, but I do not like to get up there in front of all those people and sing. I prefer to sit quietly with my family in the pews. I generally only consent to sing when one of the normal cantors is sick or gone and they ask me to as a favor. So he thought it would be good for me to volunteer my talents as a lesson.

Ugh, ugh, double ugh! Two things I hate: wearing that conspicuous headcovering in front of my mother, and singing in public!!!!! I whined a lot. Why couldn't he just torture my nipples or something sexy????

Nope, he said. He wasn't going to do some fun punishment for me to get off on the idea of it. This was real.

I sulked for a couple of weeks. He totally forgot about the punishment. (ha!)

I mentioned it once to see if I still had to. Yes, he said.

I was quiet as a mouse on the subject for a few more weeks.

Last Sunday, as we headed to church, I got a text from my mom. "R u coming?"

"I guess she's there today," I said. I texted her back and said we were on our way. My Dom said quietly, "I guess this is a good time to wear that headcovering then."

I looked at him in horror, and I asked several times if he would please let me off the hook since it was so long ago and neither of us remember exactly what I did, but he said no and I didn't really push it. I wore the scarf. My mother had to have noticed, but she did not mention it or ask me about it. She acted like she didn't see it. Maybe she chalks it up to us being "crazy conservatives" or something like that, who knows?

I'm still balking on volunteering to sing. But I know he's probably going to make me do it soon. Because he mentioned it again this week.

Sigh.

"Funishment" was so much more fun.

Punishment is the Antithesis of Bitterness

I was thinking the other day that punishment is sometimes a lot better than the alternative.

Sometimes in a marriage negative feelings will build up. Someone will start to get bitter, hateful, or testy. Unforgiveness and bitterness can be poison to a relationship. But it can be hard to let go and just let bygones be bygones.

I think punishment helps my Dom keep away from that. Instead of becoming bitter and withdrawn over an issue that's been bugging him, a punishment and frank talk allows us to get the air cleared between us. Instead of him being unforgiving and trying to "get even" with me, which is never healthy for a relationship and is also against the Bible, it lets him vent his frustrations in a constructive way.

I've talked before on here about how I think punishment helps me avoid bitterness and distance. But it just occurred to me how it might help him.

Normally, I am more prone to unforgiveness. In me, it leads to distance, silence, testing, and sulkiness. But in him, it leads to fights or him being cruel or unkind to me. I hate that! But a punishment lets him deal with the problem assertively and in a healthy way. He still feels like he gets to talk to me, but without falling into being unforgiving and bitter.

For both of us, I think it helps us talk things out and avoid a buildup of negative feelings. It may not be fun at the time, but for me, it's much preferable to becoming one of those silently bitter couples.

Not-So-Effective Ways to Avoid Punishment

Today, Stormy had a great post about her Top 10 Ways to Avoid a Spanking. It really made me smile. It made me think about what techniques I try to get out of a punishment. ("Meeee?" *bats eyes innocently*)

Yep, I do it, too. I might add upfront that they do not work. This is because my husband is a pretty smart guy. They used to work in the past... sometimes... but not always. They pretty much never work now because he's gotten a lot more used to me and my wily ways. Oh, and he reads my blog. So he pretty much knows all my trade secrets. Drat it!

I don't mean to try to wiggle my way out of a punishment. But when The Fateful Moment appears, and I realize all my masterful dancing around the line has not worked and now I've actually crossed it, and I look at the paddle or feel the sting on my nipples, words just start coming out of my mouth in a torrent to try to save me from the fate I see in my very, very near future. I become convinced that it wasn't my fault and he should be more lenient! I'll say anything! If you'd like to give them a try, here are some of my not-so-effective techniques:

• Logic. I am a master at sounding logical when I am being illogical. I really think I should have been a lawyer. I won't lie, but I'll minimize the sin. "I didn't realize that came across as disrespectful. I thought we were playing. And anyway you know I'm so tired lately and you came home already grouchy. I was just responding to you." See? All my reasons my sin is not really a sin and you should just overlook it?


• But I Didn't Mean To. This is often true, so I try to use this one. "I didn't realize I hurt you." "I didn't mean for that to come across as disrespectful." "I thought I did say 'please.' In fact, I am almost certain I said 'please'! No? Are you sure?"


• Diversion. Oh look, a rainbow! This trick works well with children and goldfish, so I try it every once in a while on my husband just to see if he'll fall for it, too. "I wasn't finished talking about my day yet. And I thought we agreed we would discuss our plans for the week, too. Can't we do those first?"


• Wasting Time. When in doubt, talk talk talk talk talk. Fill up the space, fill the silence, talk talk talk. Maybe he'll get interested in something I say. Maybe I will accidentally hit upon The Perfect Excuse for whatever he's mad about. Maybe he'll get tired and fall asleep.


• Arguing. I argue because I'm really mad, not just to get out of punishment. If I'm arguing, you can bet I honestly believe whatever he's about to do is "Not Fair" (this is a cardinal sin with me). It's hard for me to submit to a punishment I think is not fair, so I keep arguing with him until he can prove to me that I am, indeed, in the wrong. Man, I hate that. :(


• Stating Facts I Cannot Back Up. This is my last-ditch effort, and it never works, since a "fact you can't back up" is not really a fact at all, is it? At this point I'll just say things with a convincing tone and hope he believes them. Some of my standards are, "You do not have the authority to do this!," "The Bible does not say you can do this!," "It's my body!," "You don't have the right!," or, my favorite, "You can't!" Of course, these are all pretty easy to disprove, since the Bible does say I am to give total submission to him and that he does have authority over me, including my body. And, as he has proved most adequately over the last few weeks, "Yes, he can!"
  

He really should be a poster child for Obama.

Punishment Clears the Air

I hate being punished.

But also, I kind of like it.

Confused yet? :) I'll explain.

I have a love-hate relationship with punishment from my Dom. Punishment is something I will go to great lengths to avoid. Whining, pleading, or--my favorite--using logic to reason my way out of it. At the same time, I think the idea of it is very sexy. It's a turn-on to imagine him having so much control and such sway in my life. Also, I'm finding it really helps clear the air.

Every day, tiny pieces of negativity can come up in our relationship that are so small they don't cause a real problem, but are there all the same. These negative things might be really small, like my bad attitude, him having a bad day at work, me having a disrespectful tone, or him not catching me on being disobedient. Maybe one of us is just grouchy or short-tempered.

My Dom lets these things roll of his shoulders, gets over them, and life moves on as normal for him. For me, they build up. They accumulate over time. After a few days, I'll find myself feeling surly and sulky for no real reason. I'm not mad at him; we're not fighting; I still love him. But for reasons I can't explain, I pull away when he reaches for me or my tone gets more hateful when I'm not happy with him.

Punishment helps clear those tiny, negative elements from our relationship. It gives us a chance to talk about what has happened. It gives me a chance to apologize for what I've done and actually feel remorse, which is very important to me in order to change the behavior. It also reinforces his power over me. It makes me feel an emotional release. It helps me breathe a huge sigh of relief that everything is now "fair," the slate is clean, and the air between us is cleared. And it has the added bonus of making me feel noticed, loved, and cherished, because he is engaging in our relationship and actively trying to help me improve in the areas we've agreed on or he's decided on. Also, I've noticed my Dom tends to approach punishments calmly and will even apologize for his part himself, instead of getting angry, blaming me, and inflaming the problem.

It really is an emotional catharsis.

Who Rules Over You?

This today, as I'm bent over our dresser receiving my punishment for being disrespectful:

"Who rules over you?"

"You."

"Who rules over you?"

*gasp* "You."

"For whom is your desire?"

My stubborn heart melted just a bit. I whimpered. "You."

"That's right."

And we continued on in silence.

When Punishment Brings Restoration

I've always cognitively understood why subs on DD websites would post things like, "I just want him to punish me!" but I can't say I ever really understood on an emotional or instinctual level.

My mind can logically accept that some women want to be punished. They want the catharsis, they want to feel they've had their consequence and it's over and all is forgiven, or maybe they just want to feel taken in hand by their husbands. I read on a lot of DD blogs how after a spanking or other punishment, couples regain their intimacy and are able to make love or have a loving, cuddly evening together because the air has been cleared, negative emotions have been dealt with and talked out (or beaten out *wink*), and there is a feeling of relief.

But I'd never really felt that way.

I either felt angry after a punishment, or angry because he wasn't punishing me. If he punished me, I'd sulk, thinking, "How dare he act like I'm the only one wrong?" or "He's such a jerk, ignoring my misbehavior and being inconsistent for days, and then trying to take back control out of nowhere!" Punishment never really resulted in the return to emotional intimacy that DD websites described.

I think punishments, whether spanking or not, have several goals:

• Remorse. The Dom gives a negative consequence (lecture, spanking, written assignment on what she did wrong) to encourage or even force the sub to see the error of her ways and feel remorse. Without remorse, there can be no change in the future, so I think it's necessary a good punishment end with remorse.


• Justice. I have a rigid black-and-white view of the world. Things being unfair or unjust bother me like an itch under the skin. If I've wronged my husband, receiving a punishment in measure with my offense can make me relax because all is right with the world again.


• Emotional Catharsis. A lot of DD and CDD websites advocate spanking until the woman cries. I don't know if that's necessary, but I think once a man fights through the anger, pain, and stubborness and finally breaks that final barrier, there can be great emotional healing. I know several DD couples who use spanking as a way to basically "beat" a bad attitude out of the woman, clear the air of negative feelings, and restore marital harmony.


• Intimacy. Instead of sulking and fighting all night, quick and decisive punishment stops a bad behavior in its tracks. Instead of letting a woman leave the house, lock the door, or scream at him all night, a man takes the issue in control, deals with it, and they can put it behind them. Intimacy and harmony are restored. (Yes, I've heard of women who needed two or three or even four spankings in a night before their attitude finally changed!)


• Reinforcement of Boundaries. Fights inevitably become power struggles between the two people. Punishment is a clear way to reinforce that the HoH is in charge and the woman is not. Instead of struggling for power all night, the couple can accept the way things are and get to the business of talking about their issues and resolving them within their pre-agreed-upon boundaries: man in charge, woman as helpmeet.

These are great goals, but I'd never really understood. It had never happened to me. Maybe the punishments didn't come consistently enough. Maybe I'm too stubborn and hell-bent on being right. Probably... both?

Either way, I'd never felt remorse and we rarely felt intimacy after. He felt like I wasn't on his team and I felt like he wasn't being consistent.

Last night, for the first time, a punishment really worked with me. We'd had a bad fight. We'd both said some mean things. We were both exhausted and drained.

We stuck it out (meaning: he didn't get mad and leave and I didn't get hurt and shut him out), which took a lot of effort for both of us. It's harder to stay in a room and fight with someone you love for 4 fours than it is to storm out and go feel self-righteous.

But we stayed.

And we talked.

And our talk went up and down, closer to resolution and then farther away, but we kept at it.

Finally, finally, exhausted and in the wee hours of the night, we had talked it all out. We'd both aired our grievances and apologized. We'd both shared how hurt we were and both tried to compromise and say we would work on some things.

It was time to go to bed.

After a fight like that, even after we've apologized and forgiven each other, I just can't have a good night's sleep. There is just too much negativity bottled up in me after all that. I will have a terrible night with nightmares. I will wake up upset from residual bad emotions. It will ruin my day the next day as well.

As we laid there, drifting to sleep and cuddling, I suddenly understood. I wanted him to punish me. I wanted him to take me in hand and show me that my bad behavior was not acceptable and would not be tolerated. I wanted him to clear the air between us. I wanted to feel close to him again. I didn't want our night and tomorrow to be ruined. I wanted to restore our relationship.

It's hard to admit that to your husband. But I rolled over and traced my hand up and down his stomach. I admitted how I felt.

He was willing. He was very, very willing.

The air felt charged with erotic tension as I waited for him to decide what to do. He said he didn't want me to whine or complain or tell him he didn't punish me enough or he punished me too much. With bated breath, I promised that I would open myself to his authority. He could punish me as he wanted to. I would not complain or criticize.

I felt.... open. Submissive. I wanted things to be right between us. I was sorry for hurting him. I wanted him to punish me for it so I knew he was my head and authority, and so the air could be cleared between us.

I didn't like all the punishments he chose. But when I whimpered, he reminded me softly, "You said you would open yourself to me." And so I did.

He punished me in several different ways. Some were, frankly, highly erotic for both of us. Some were not. I accepted them either way.

There was a change in my Dom. He took the power I gave him and he wielded it. He seemed more strong and self-assured. He knew what he wanted. He told me what I'd done wrong as he punished me. He told me how he was going to punish me. He asked me, "What did you do wrong today?" He made me, in the middle of being punished, list off the things I'd done that were disrespectful or hard-hearted. Listing them while being punished was powerful for me. It made an immediate connection in my head between my behavior and the punishment. I couldn't play the victim or pretend that he was the jerk here.

When I needed a break to be cuddled and reassured, he was quick to oblige. His strong arms held me as I curled into his neck and cried about how sorry I was. He kissed me and told me he loved me and that he was sorry, too. When I was done being reassured, he put me back in position and kept punishing me.

It meant a lot to me that he didn't just cut the punishment short because I was sorry. He was loving and gentle, but firm. He insisted on giving me every bit of that punishment I'd deserved. If he had relented, I'd have felt cheated. I wouldn't have had that emotional catharsis. I would have questioned his authority ("Can I manipulate my way out of things just by acting sorry? Why isn't he following through on what he said he'd do?"). But he gave me 100% of the punishment he'd decided was fair for me and told me I'd be getting. He didn't slack off or relent. It made him seem so strong and masculine in my eyes.

Often, punishments to me seem too short. I feel they're too lenient for whatever I've done. Not this one.

At one point, I asked him, "Why aren't you being punished? You were wrong, too."

He looked down at me, seeming big and strong in my eyes. I felt a little in awe of him.

He didn't seem threatened by my question. "I'm sorry, too," he told me. "But I answer to God. God will punish me. You answer to me."

My heart felt washed clean. I breathed huge sighs of shuddering relief. Everything was right with the world. Everything was fair. I was being taken care of. My bad behavior was being dealt with decisively and strictly. My husband loved me and I loved him. We were on the same team. Intimacy was restored. I felt... grateful.

When he was finished, he brought me water and made me drink it. I cuddled up next to him as close as I could get. He tenderly wrapped the blankets around my naked body. I was seized by a fear this might not last. He reassured me.

Whispering loving words in each other's ears, curled around each other, we drifted into peaceful sleep.

Totally Normal Spanking Fantasies

Do you get turned on by the following?

• husbands spanking their wives after typical relationship fights?
• having a naughty wife you have to spank to keep her reigned in?
• orgasm during spankings?
• orgasm from being told a spanking or punishment story?
• bad adults being lectured and humiliated as part of their punishment?
• begging for spankings to stop?
• spankings that end in tears?
• having a bare bottom beaten mercilessly with a hairbrush or paddle?
• spanking your naughty sub like the little girl she is?

Then you'll love this article by Sera Miles, where she talks about her experience as an adult phone sex partner and all the "weird" desires that are actually totally common and normal. And although I normally write about male dominance/female submission because that is my persona experience, Ms. Miles writes about female dominance/male submission, and as such is a breath of fresh air in a community that normally focuses on female submission.

Of course, I think that going to an adult phone line for your sexual and masturbation needs is a sin, but that doesn't mean I have anything against those people personally. The Bible gives guidelines for Christians to live by, and we can't force non-believers to make the same sacrifices we do. Of course, I believe God's moral commands are the same for everyone, but being a non-believer who abstains from sin doesn't make you a believer. You have to change the soul first, then worry about the actions. So this blog isn't about the sinfulness of adult phone companies (who say they are for "distinguished gentlemen"--ha! As if! You're paying to jack off with a stranger. I mean, really!), but about what is normal in spanking fetishes. And I believe Sera Miles definitely has enough experience to know what is normal and not with her clients.

Honestly, it makes me relieved to know that many people pretend to be younger during spanking scenes. Sometimes, when my Dom spanks me, I feel like a very angry and defiant adult. But every once in a while, I feel small and tiny and want to curl up around him when he is done and be cuddled like a very small girl. I certainly felt a sigh of relief when Ms. Miles said that many of her clients feel the same way.

You know who has some other really hot spanking stories? The Christian Domestic Discipline (CDD) websites. This one in particular, a true spanking story by a CDD wife called In This Moment, I Am His! has always been such a sexy story for me. Yummm.

Excuse me for a moment while I'm lost in thought...

Punishment without Pain

When it comes to punishment, my Dom always seems to fall back on the obvious: causing pain!

Spanking, slapping, spanking, paddling, spanking, whipping, spanking...

I don't like pain. It annoys me. Once I burst out into hysterical and completely unstoppable laughter from his swats.

Aside from the many, many psychology and educational psych reports that spanking and other physical punishment are bad for children, teach them to fear and not to respect, teach them that power can be gained through violence rather than earned, teach them to solve disputes through violence, teach violence over rational, fair problem-solving skills, and moreover do not deter bad behavior, a lot of BDSM sites are really into spanking.

If it's because that turns them on, rather than they think it's actually a good way to teach people lessons, more power to them. A lot of people are incredibly turned on by being spanked or spanking. Recently, a couple I know who have kinky leanings (rough sex, biting, etc.) but would never call themselves into "BDSM", relayed this conversation to me:

"I asked him if he wanted to spank me with his belt. He spanked me, and at the
end, he thought about it and said, 'That turned me on a lot more than I thought
it would.'"

There is absolutely nothing wrong with spanking if it turns people on. Spanking and punishment (real and simulated) can be very sexy, trust me! But what about when a Dom or Master or Mistress or Daddy wants to actually teach a lesson, perhaps a long-term lesson that will takes weeks or months, and cannot just be solved by one spanking?

Here are some ideas for punishing without using violence:

• lectures (make them meaninful, learning experiences, not just scoldings)


• withdrawl of priveleges (may seem too infantile to some subs)


• cage or corner time (also a bit infantile... some people are into that)


• carefully explaining the desired behavior, why it is desired, and why it is best for the sub and the couple


• modeling better behavior yourself


• not being allowed to initiate any physical contact for a set amount of time


• saying simply that you are disappointed and offering a better solution for next time


• bondage for a set amount of time


• writing a letter explaining what was done wrong and how this will be corrected in the future


• cold showers


• no dessert


• cleaning chored, with a only a toothbrush if you're feeling really evil >:-)


• deciding upon a punishment together, with the input of the sub


• back up and re-do the situation immediately, this time with the correct ending


• lose furniture priveleges


• lose collar


• write sentences

A lot of Doms and Dommes will say to ignore the slave, but I have to warn you that giving "the silent treatment" is a form of emotional abuse and is not a healthy thing to start doing in your relationship. Also, if you have a sub or pet who was abused in the past, even slight emotional abuse may set them off.

Other suggestions I read included sensory deprivation, but this should only be used for a SHORT time since people can hallucinate and experience dementia after very short bouts of sensory deprivation.

Honestly, it's more important to have a healthy, stable slave than to punish him or her. I wouldn't ever recommend using sensory deprivation or the silent treatment and risk your slave's emotional health.

Also, talk this over with your sub. Some subs (like me) hate to be treated like children. I am a submissive, not a child! So I don't want to be punished like a kid, with spankings, writing lines, or being "grounded." My Dom is not my mother and I prefer to be treated like an adult. Therefore, I'd always prefer punishments that we agree on together--either beforehand or after the fact--or that focus primarily on adult, problem-solving discussions where he tells me what he didn't like, why he didn't like it, and how he would like the problem to be fixed in the future.

On the other hand, I know there are many subs and slaves who adore being treated younger and giving up that power! For those people, spankings, writing lines, or corner time may be a great idea and may turn both partners on. In the end, it's whatever works for the two of you.

Top Spanking Implements and How They Compare

I've been thinking a lot about the different ways to spank, how different spanking instruments feel, and the difference in the instruments according to the situation called for. Here is my comparison of my Dom's and my main four spanking implements: paddle, his hand, slapper, and belt.

First, so you get a good idea of the toys we are using. His hand really requires no other explanation. Our paddle is wooden with holes for ease and speed of swinging, and medium sized, about 10 by 3 inches is my guess. The slapper is a small black two-sided leather slapper, 7x2 inches. The belt is just any of his basic leather belts hanging around the house.

Here is my personal breakdown of the items!

In order of the easiest to use:

1. Hand
2. Paddle
3. Slapper
4. Belt

In order of the easiest to clean:

1. Hand
2. Paddle
3. Belt and Slapper (tied; both are leather and hard to clean)

In order of the most painful:

1. Paddle
2. Slapper
3. Hand
4. Belt

In order of the cheapest:

1. Hand (duh!)
2. Belt
3. Paddle (cheap on Ebay)
4. Slapper

Best for causing erotic stimulation/erotic pain:

1. Belt
2. Slapper
3. Hand
4. Paddle

Best for punishment (just pain, nothing fun or sexy)

1. Paddle
2. Hand
3. Slapper
4. Belt

Easiest to hold me down while using:

1. Hand
2. Slapper
3. Belt
4. Paddle

Loudest:

1. Slapper
2. Belt
3. Hand
4. Paddle

In order of the biggest sting:

1. Slapper
2. Hand
3. Paddle
4. Belt

In order of the biggesst thud:

1. Hand
2. Paddle
3. Belt
4. Slapper

Receives the most screams:

1. Paddle
2. Slapper
3. Hand
4. Belt

Invest in several different toys of your own. You'll find there are some you want to bring out for light, playful spanking sessions, and others that are great for intense or punishment scenes. I know for me, the paddle takes about 4 good hits before I'm screaming and squirming away. The belt, on the other hand, I can relax and know I'll be getting a light, sexy sting and nothing too terrible!

And never underestimate the importance of a hand-- it can hurt like a mother and sting like hell! :)

Using Punishments in Sub Training

Punishments are used to correct negative behavior. Of course, I'm assuming here that you have already begun training your sub, and she knows what is expected of her. The two of you should agree on your behaviors, what you expect of her, and the punishment she can expect if she does not obey. It's not fair to punish someone for something they didn't even know they were doing wrong. Your sub is human, and she will make mistakes! You must let her know it is okay to be human and make mistakes, and should not punish her for honest errors.

Your sub must know that you are going to enforce your training 100% of the time. Not 90%, not 98%, but 100% of the time. Threats do nothing but teach her she can get away with it next time.

Of course, if she did not know what you wanted, you should not punish her for your own lack of communication--admit your mistake, communicate it clearly, and move on. Subs aren't mind-readers! If she exhibits a behavior you dislike, but you had not mentioned it before, simply stop whatever you are doing, tell her you dislike the behavior and why, and clearly tell her what behavior you want and expect instead.

But what if your sub did know the expectation, but she forgot--or, more likely, was testing you? Then you should punish her. Punishment must be tailored to fit the slave. For example, whipping a slave who enjoys pain is not going to be an effective deterrent next time. Also, calling names or losing your temper is just going to make you look out of control and devestate your slave. Be calm and in control; tell your sub clearly what she did wrong, what the punishment will be, and then enact it. This can be anything from removing positive pleasures (orgasm, computer, car, tv, music, phone, etc.) to enforcing negative ones (whipping, standing in corner, bondage, sitting without talking for a certain amount of time, being shut in a closet alone to think about her behavior).

Please remember that punishments should make the bad behavior less desirable in the future--not to damage your sub or hurt her feelings. Many people go too far with punishments, meting out consequences that are too severe for the transgression. Tell her clearly beforehand how long the punishment will last--1 minute? 10? 20? Punishments should not go on for hours or days--that is emotional abuse.

A word of caution: if your sub has been abused before, be very careful with punishments. Make sure not to withdraw love as a punishment, because that only teaches the sub that she has to be perfect and not fail to earn your love. You never want your sub to feel your love is conditional! Denying sex, orgasm, quality time, cuddling, or ignoring your sub may work quite fine with someone who has never been abused, but will just teach an abuse victim that your love is conditional. The point of punishment is to be negative, but not devestating or abusive, and you must know your sub to see the difference. Ask yourself, are you correcting a behavior or are you wounding a soul? If your sub is a victim of past abuse, I recommend sitting down and discussing acceptable and nonacceptable punishments for her before you begin training.

Don't act angry when you punish your sub---she needs to know this is for her own good, not because you hate her or are angry with her. Remind her you love her and want the best for her, and that is why you give her consequences.

Many times, you can give your sub a choice. If she is creative and knows herself well, simply ask what she believes is a fair consequence. Discuss it together, and mutually agree on a consequence. If she has no ideas, you might try giving her a few options to choose from. Say, "You know better than that behavior, because we discussed it. Now you have to have a consequence. Would you rather write me a letter apologizing and explaining what you did wrong and what you will do better next time, or stand in the corner with your nose holding a ping-pong ball for 20 minutes?" This allows the sub to have some choice in her punishment, and you can avoid unwittingly pushing a button that triggers past abuse.

Ideas for punishments are:

• bondage (be sure not in a tight position, and check regularly to feel her circulation)
• whipping, paddling, or flogging
• writing you a letter stating what she did wrong, how it made you feel, and how she will fix it next time
• writing "I will not ________" so many times by hand
• taking away her computer, phone, or car for a set amount of time
• making her clean, scrub the floor, or some chore she dislikes
• forcing her to perform a sexual act for you that you know she dislikes
• make her exercise (you can do it with her)
• give her healthy foods she doesn't like
• tie her to the bed and leave her there for a set time (check on her often!)
• verbally chastise her, telling her exactly what she did wrong
• make her stand against the wall, holding a ping pong to the wall with her nose
• make her stand in the corner
• tie her up like a dog and force her to urinate on a tile floor (or in a bowl) like a dog, then clean it up
• make her eat her meal off the floor with her hands or mouth
• needle play
• forced anal dildo or anal beads
• put a speculum in her ass
• put nipple clamps on her and yank her around

Punishment does not need to be mean and nasty to be effective. For example, if your sub knows it is a rule to address you as "Master" each time she speaks, and she does not, this is not as grievous a blunder as if she wrecks your car because she is mad at you. The punishment should fit the crime. A simple slap, short spanking, or letter of apology will suffice for smaller transgressions. Your sub is a smart, savvy lady--she is going to know if your punishment does not fit the crime and resent you for it. This defeats the purpose of correcting bad behavior.

Any parent can tell you that sometimes a long discussion about "choices" will deter a behavior just as well or better than physical forms of punishment. With animals, we have to physically punish them because we cannot speak to them; with your sub and other people, a conversation can do wonders!

Before or after your punish your sub, you must just want to have a conversation with her. Why is she doing this behavior? What triggered it? How is she feeling? What was she hoping to achieve? Does she realize it was wrong? Is she sorry? How can she make it up to you? How will she ensure the same mistake doesn't happen again in the future?

Often, subs are disobeying for many reasons. You may find she did not understand what you wanted. Perhaps she simply forgot part of her training because she was concentrating on something else (like sex!). If she did do it on purpose, there could be a multitude of reasons. Psychologically, there are many reasons subs resist change:

• she feels threatened by change


• you are challenging her core beliefs, values, or ideas


• it feels strange and alien to try this new lifestyle, actions, and thoughts


• she does not fully trust you


• she is afraid she will get hurt


• she thinks you may not be able to handle training and controlling her


• she does not see the point of this training or how it will benefit her


• she resists giving up her freedom to you


• she resents her loss of choice/freedom


• her individuality feels threatened

Be patient and understanding. It is natural for her to feel flooded by many negative emotions as you change her lifestyle. When you need to use punishment, do so, but remember that for every negative consequence or remark, she needs 4 positive rewards and compliments.

Keep your sub's best interests at heart, talk to her openly, ask her opinions, and enjoy!

Experimenting with Clothespins

In our efforts to research painful things, I am testing clothespins today. I know many involved in the BDSM world use them as a way to inflict pain on their subs and slaves. I am inflicting pain on myself to be a good Dom. I want to figure out just how long and often this method should be used. It is a great idea for all Doms to test how painful something is before administering punishment. Just like the old saying goes, "Don't dish it, if you can't take it." I'll be placing clothespins on at a time in different places all over my body. I'll measure the pain on a scale of one to ten. One to three will be noticeable, four to six manageable, seven to nine difficult, and ten is unbearable. I will be working my way from the top down and leaving the pin on for at least one minute.

The first area tested was the ear. The top of the ear registered at an eight! I didn't realize how tough that minute would be. It never deadened or dulled either. I experienced the same amount of pain the whole time. The earlobe was a much easier sensation to bear. It started out at a one and gradually elevated to a two. It wasn't hard at all.

The next place I tested was the septum of my nose. It started out as a five and rose to a seven. This test caused my eyes to water uncontrollably. It made breathing difficult as well. Don't try this if you have a history of breathing trouble or tonsillitis.

I tried both armpits and they were a total letdown. The pain hovered around a two. I don't recommend trying this spot until you are want a gentle response from your sub. This would be well used directly after some sensory deprivation as a soft reminder of pain.

The next stop on the list was my nipples. This was an interesting feeling and the only one like it so far. The pain was actually at a seven when I started and messed with my mind, because all the other tests got more painful as time went on. My pain level actually dipped down to a five once the initial shock wore off. As I Dom, I would suggest leaving the pins on your sub's nipples for only a short time and repeating the punishment over and over. This way they don't realize the "light" at the end of the tunnel.

The belly button doesn't hurt at all.

I tried it on my penis and testicles, too. There were two different trials, one with the penis flaccid and the other was full erect. I tried it on two different places the head and shaft. While flaccid the pain on the head is about a three and on the shaft it is a one. It's a different situation when the penis is erect though! The when on the head the pain is a five and increases to a seven when less skin is taken in the pinch. The shaft is a two. Don't waste your time on the scrotum. In my case it didn't feel painful at all.

I also discovered the pain of a clothespin on the webbing of hands or feet stays at about a two.

So there you have it. The most sensitive areas to pain with clothespins are the tops of the ears, nipples, and the head of an erect penis. I encourage you to try experiments like this at home. This is a relatively harmless one, too. Now it is up to you come up with combinations, which will torture your beautiful little sub and show them how much you care.

Begging

Begging is probably a pretty common fetish, although I don't have the numbers to prove it. Even vanilla people do it. In BDSM, begging can add some flavor to an already-hot scene. Many Doms and Dommes find real pleasure in being begged or pleaded with by their sub or slave. It is up to you to decide what type of begging you most enjoy, and how to get your sub to do it.

Begging can have many uses. For the Dom, it is a power trip. It gives him more control over his sub. It can also be highly erotic. For the sub, it can be a lesson: teaching her humility, showing her that her body is not hers and only her Dom has control over how much pleasure and pain she receives, or as a punishment. It can also be a very effective type of humiliation play and emotional humiliation. Of course, it can also be a turn-on.

Do you want your sub to beg? Decide what would turn you on the most. Is her body posture important to you, or just the words? Would you rather her be kneeling before you, lying on the floor with her head down prostrate before you, kneeling between your legs and kissing your feet or your balls, or standing in front of you with her hands crossed demurely and her eyes lowered? Do you want her to be handcuffed? Would you prefer if she is tied to an object or chained to your ankle or wrist?

As for the words, what do you want? Will you be satisfied if she begs once, or are you going to make her repeat the same humiliating phrase 20 times perfectly before she is released? What specifically do you want her to beg for (to orgasm, for sex, to stop hurting her, to spank her again please)? Do you want her to use curse words and vulgarity for added humiliation ("Please fuck my dirty cunt harder, Master. Please let your dirty cumslut cum, Sir.")? Do you want her to call you something specific (Daddy, Sir, Mr. [insert your last name here], Master, Sergeant, My Owner)? Also, do you want lots of pleases and thank yous, or will a simple request be enough?

Your sub can't just guess what you want. Ordering her, "Beg," is not going to tell her what you want. Be specific! "I want you to kneel before me, lick my boot, and repeat 'Please whip your servant, Sir' fifteen times before I will forgive you" is clear and specific; "Beg for me" is not. Read this article, think about what behaviors you want your sub to perform for your pleasure, and communicate that to her clearly. You may want to have different requirements for different situations, so be specific so she knows what you desire.

Do you want to show her that you have control over her body and decisions? Make her beg before she can do something she wants, like have sex, get oral sex, perform a blow job, or receive a spanking. You can require her to ask permission before speaking or moving: "Please, Sir, may I touch your cock? Sir, may I please jack you off? Master, may your servant get up to get you a condom?"

Do you want to teach a proud, headstrong sub humility? Then you have to humilate her! Make her use vulgar language or refer to herself as a dirty name every time she talks. Make her say please and thank you before and after every activity: whether she is receiving pain, performing something on you, or receiving pleasure. Make her assume a humiliating position, such as kneeling in front of you, kissing your foot, lying on the floor in front of you, spreading her legs for you, or kneeling beside you and licking your balls (or ass). Require her to do something for you every time she talks: (Licks your balls/boot/ass), Please don't hit me, Master. (Licks your balls/boot/ass), please, don't hit your dirty cum recepticle, Master. (Licks your balls/boot/ass), I'm a dirty, bad girl, Master; please forgive me."

If your sub is too headstrong to do this, you are probably going to have to fight her on this and train her gradually. You can seriously tell some subs what you want and they will do it. Others will sit back and say, "Ummm...hell no." For these, you have to break their will. Do something they hate, like leaving them tied up (don't leave them unattended, but check in on them regularly, just don't speak to them), ignoring them, beating them, hurting them, or shutting them in a closet. It depends on the sub and what is going to work for them. For example, I don't mind being shut in dark spaces, but I would hate to be tied in a painful position and left until I agreed to beg.

Do you want to use begging as a punishment? Make your sub beg for something she doesn't want. For example, if you are whipping her as a punishment, force her to ask for the spank before each one and thank you for the spank before each one. "Thank you, Mr. Jones. May I have another, please?" You can use many things as a punishment: make her beg to be spanked or hurt, beg to do something you know she doesn't like or finds humiliating (anally fingering you, giving you a blow job, spreading her legs), or beg to be punished and spanked. Even when she hates something, such as a spanking, and is already screaming and crying for you to stop, it can be a powerful mindfuck to force her to beg for the next stroke anyway. It is a wicked mind game, but it is fun for you and will break the sub!

Of course, you can combine these, as well. A fun combination of "punishment" and "humiliation" would be, "Please spank your dirty whore, Mr. Jones. Thank you, sir. Please punish your cumrag, Mr. Jones. Thank you. Please fucking hurt this dumb fuck, Mr. Jones. Thank you." And, to be really evil, you can add in a physical humiliation as well: make her kneel to say it, or make her lie down prostrate, or force her to do some humiliating action like crawling on her hands and knees. She will be crying and miserable by the end!

Some things you can make her beg for: permission to orgasm, to touch you, to service you, to please you, for a collar, for a sex toy, for a favorite activity, for a scene, for more play time, for rougher play, for you to cum, for attention, for the next strike, for the next spank, for you to mark her, for your cock, for you to use her pussy/mouth/ass, to be let out of punishment, to play longer, for forgiveness, for a rape scene, to hurt her, to let her use the restroom, to take off painful clamps, to stop genital torture, the list goes on...

Just in case inspiration still hasn't struck you, here are some good phrases to get those creative juices flowing!

• "Please, Daddy, please let your bad little girl play with the whips."
• "Mistress, will you allow your slave to lick your cum?"
• "Please let me suck your dick, Master. Your slave needs to feel your hard dick in her mouth."
• "May I speak freely, Ma'am?"
• "Please spank me, Daddy. Thank you so much, Daddy."
• "Please let your cuntwhore cum, please, please Master!" "Do you deserve it?" "No, Master, no, I don't deserve it! I'm a bad, bad slut!" "That's right, bitch."
• "Master, may your girl cum for you, please?"
• "Please hit me harder, Sir. Thank you. Please hit me again, sir. Thank you."
• "What do you want right now?" "I need to cum!" "Beg for it."
• "Kneel in front of me, kiss my dick, and beg for forgiveness until I tell you to stop."
• "For every second of my time that you have wasted, you will lie on the floor in front of me, chained to the door, and beg me to take you back. That's 120 seconds. And you'd better call me Mommy every time you do it!"

Resources:

http://fetlife.com

http://www.leathernroses.com/generalbdsm/ravenbegging

Training Your Sub (A Submissive's Perspective)

*Note: Labels for this post are highlighted in purple.

How, you ask, could a sub ever know how to train another sub? Well, for one thing, most subs are switches, which means they only sub part of the time. For another, only we subs know exactly what makes our brains tick, what makes us want to kill you, and what makes us want to kiss your feet. And third, I'm only a sub in the bedroom: I spend my adult life as a teacher, mentor, and tutor, so I have lots of leadership training. Training your sub is no different than being a parent or teacher: you have to be consistent, you have to be fair, and your sub needs to know you have his best interests in mind.

If you are just too "toppy" to ever learn from a sub, you can find my Dom's post on the same topic here.

In no particular order, here are my suggestions. Follow them, and you and your sub will develop a lifelong, happy partnership of amazing scenes, growing intimacy, and pleasure, pain, torture, whips, and orgasm.

Know What You Want

Confidence is key! Subs need to feel you know what you are doing and we can trust you completely. Even if you are unsure, fake it. Nothing is less sexy than a Dom who stops in the middle of berating you to anxiously ask, "Is this okay?" Have a definite goal in mind for your scene and know how you plan to carry it out. Have a backup plan, too, just in case you happen to be one of my many human readers and can't guarantee perfection.

Know exactly what you want your sub to learn: a specific "I want him to serve my tea at this temperature, in this mug, with this much cream and sugar" is much easier for you to communicate and your sub to grasp than "I want my tea done right." If you tell your sub, "Lie down!" this leaves us a lot of room for confusion. However, "Lie down on the floor, with your hands folded over your head and your legs spread apart" is a much easier command for us to follow, since we know what you want.

Be Firm

This relates back to confidence. So many Doms and Dommes are afraid to be too firm or they might hurt our feelings. Trust me, if we didn't crave you having this sort of power over us, we wouldn't do BDSM! Depending on the scene, you may want to change it up from a stern tone, to a soft murmur, to a shouted command, to an angry directive, but no matter how you choose to boss us around, be firm! "Um.... lie on the floor....?" won't get even the most submissive of subs turned on, and for most of us, who want you to earn our submission and will fight you tooth and nail for it, showing weakness just won't cut it. We need you to be the mean, scary jerks of our nightmares, wrenching control from us and rewarding us with pleasure beyond our dreams. Weakness has no place in BDSM!

Give Immediate Feedback

This is the most basic rule of parenting, teaching, or training. Feedback needs to be immediate. Did your sub do something right? Praise her for it. If you are playing the role of the sweet, caring Mommy or Daddy, this might be easy, but even the meanest rapist/torturer can growl out, "Yeah, that's a good little slut, you f**ing liked that, didn't you?" If positive feedback will ruin your scene, wait til aftercare time.

Immediate feedback is especially crucial when we do something wrong. This may shock you, but normally if we do something wrong, we did it on purpose to test you. Yes, your perfect little angel is just pushing your limits, seeing what she can get away with, and how much you really want to control her. So hesitation kills your scene. You must respond immediately. Don't threaten, just do. Slap harder than she likes, or spank hard with a paddle he doesn't actually enjoy. Never threaten, and never go easier on your sub than you say you will. That just tells us you're too nice/weak and we can walk all over you, then wriggle out of punishment next time. Needless to say, that is not the kind of sub you want.

Bottom

No matter how "toppy" you are, you're not too good to bottom. In fact, the authors of The New Topping Book suggest that every top should play bottom. This is how you learn to top. In this position, you learn what you like, what your sub feels like during scene, and how to improve your own topping and aftercare skills. Feel you're too good to bottom? Get a reality check and a serious ego de-booster. You're not ready to top til you're humble enough to learn by doing. This also gives your honey a great way to show you what she secretly wishes you'd do to her, without hurting your feelings or making things awkward with a "you're a terrible lover" conversation. Both parties learn more by experiencing the challenges and thrills of a new position.

Push the Limits

BDSM is all about pushing limits. If there's ever anything I don't like, it's men who don't push my limits. It's okay to push your partner's limits, even when they are scared, angry, or frightened: that's what safewords are for! If we really need to stop, we can safeword, or you can ask us, "Are you okay?" and we can nod or shake our heads. But usually, I play BDSM so I can be pushed outside of my comfort zone, kicking and screaming, and conquer those parts of me that I most fear.

Know Your Sub

Okay, so sometimes subs get too scared, distracted, or incoherent to safeword. So, know your sub. Talk talk talk about scenes outside the bedroom! EVERY scene you try should be completely discussed before and after. Check in during aftercare, again a few hours or days later, and learn about your sub's reactions to what you did. This way, when he is in subspace, you can better care for him. Or, if she becomes too frightened to safeword, you can read her body signals and know it is time to stop and comfort her. The better you read your sub's nonverbal signals, body language, and facial expressions, the safer scenes will be for both of you.

Admit Your Mistakes

Nothing is so unattractive as a leader who won't admit he screwed up. Assuming you are human, expect to make mistakes. Try to laugh them off, cry together, or pick up the pieces and move on. Sometimes a scene you planned won't come out right. This why you should be especially careful to plan beforehand! But even then, mistakes can happen, and you should be able to humbly admit it to your partner and apologize.

Learn, Learn, Learn

Your responsibility as a top is great: you and only you are responsible for both of your safety during scene! In essence, it's like having a small child dependent upon you. To better handle this responsibility, never stop learning. The best way to learn is to practice bottoming yourself. Every few weeks or months, switch with your partner. The next best way is to communicate: after every scene, ask your lover what he enjoyed and what he didn't, and don't get defensive or egoistic about the things he didn't. Your sub's feedback is your best learning tool. Also, read sex books, learn about BDSM, and join online communities. Books and chat groups on BDSM are going to keep your topping skills honed and keep your sub from getting bored.

Plan, Plan, Plan

BDSM is not something that should be done "on the fly." You'll both have more fun if you plan. Topping is hard work! You need to have a mental list of what you want to achieve. Have a general idea of activities you can try, and always plan for way more than you'll actually have time for; this way, if something you planned goes wrong, you can move on smoothly to the next one. No one wants you to be left standing there, whip in hand, looking foolish. If toys are involved, have them out, cleaned, and ready. Same with lighting, whips, restraints, costumes, lubricants, and aftercare materials (water, snack, warm towel or blanket). You don't want to lose momentum of a great scene to go grab a condom or hurriedly have to search for, find, and clean a particular toy. Your sub will appreciate you much more if you come prepared.

Have a Definite Beginning, Middle, and End

For those of us who aren't in a 24/7 relationship, knowing when to sub and not can be confusing. It is good to have some sort of signal so both of you know when a scene begins. You can have a specific code word, play certain music, or change the lighting and music to start the mood. You can touch or look at your sub a particular way that he will understand means you're starting the scene now. Or, you can have a particular ritual that lets both of you know the scene is beginning and to help you get into your roles: having the sub get out and arrange the toys, gently tying your sub down, or having your sub kneel, kiss your feet, and placing a collar around her kneck. Something concrete, like having the sub put on a specific corset or wear a collar, can be a powerful symbolic moment that lets you both know when play has started.

Having a definite end is even more important. We can't read your mind, and often have no idea when you're winding down. You need to make it obvious! I know I have been terribly surprised when my Dom stopped hitting me, plopped on the bed next to me, and said, "I love you!" while hugging me. It is too difficult to switch straight out of "scene" on your sub like that. We need time so we know you are winding down, and can begin to slowly transition out of subspace and back into real world. Never just stop suddenly and say, "Okay, we're done!"

A gradual transition is necessary. You can have a certain activity that you always do last, so when you move to it, your sub knows to begin transitioning out of subspace. Some Dommes tell their partner, "Okay, you can pick one last toy for me to use on you," or "Pick a number between 1 and 10, I'll give you that many swats with the paddle, and then we can be done." This lets your sub know the scene is winding down without shocking them with it mid-scene. Subs need lots of time to recover from scenes, so make sure you have a definite space for winding down and then a concrete ending!

Provide Great Aftercare

What does an exhausted and proud top do after a scene? Provide great aftercare. Don't start sighing 10 minutes into cuddling say, "Are you done yet? I wanted to watch the game/do the dishes/etc." Enjoy each other as long as you both need it, for hours if necessarily. Don't begrudge your sub this crucial part of lovemaking.

Want to be the best top ever? Go above and beyond the norm (cuddling, blanket, snack, and water). Some great ideas for pampering your sub are:

• put the blanket or towel in the dryer before the scene, so you can grab it after scene and it is warm and fluffy
• draw them a bubble bath or a bath scented with fresh lemons (slice them and let them float in the water)
• have a quiet, relaxing cd ready so all you have to do is push "play"
• give a massage with baby oil
• take a shower together. Gently wash and condition their hair.
• Compliment them profusely on their role in the scene

Note: many of these ideas came from the amazing The New Topping Book! If you haven't already, read it!

Subspace and Subdrop

There are two important aspects of the D/s relationship that aren't very evident to the beginner. The first one I'd like to mention is Subspace. This is a change in the mind of the sub, which takes them into a trance-like state. I've seen sources state it's akin to mediation or hypnosis. It seems to be a certain type of head space that is actually therapeutic for the sub. It is possible during the experience to access places in the sub's mind where they were previously abused. Recreating these events in a controlled environment can be a way for the sub to overcome the past. It is also pleasurable, because the levels of endorphins and hormones present in the bloodstream cause a euphoric state. This is a difficult subject to write anything authoritative due to the experiences being very unique and individualized.

How do we get there?

Sometime during the scene, the sub will become more and more detached from what is going on around them. Sometimes the beginning of subspace will come at the first command and others will need a longer warm-up. Your job as the Dom is to continue issuing firm and simple commands. Always be sure to enforce discipline with your sub so they know you are watching and care about them. They will most likely try and resist, but you should be well aware of this. Continue on and don't give in when the sub becomes a little bratty. You will start to see the sub get more turned on and more compliant. The natural high your actions induce will be more and more evident. Eventually, the sub will start to obey commands without resistance and display traits of an out-of-body experience. Welcome your sub to subspace.

What happens afterward?

Now the second item I want to mention is subdrop, which occurs directly after you finish the scene. This is the natural depression that follows subspace. The body's own painkilling chemicals and morphine-like drugs start to wear off. The corporal and emotional pain you caused is starting to settle in the sub's mind. Your job as the Dom is not over once the scene is. You are now to follow through with aftercare (refer to my sub's great post for tips). Take care of the wounds you created and cuddle your sub. Communicate to them how much you love them and how special they are. Get them water and a blanket. You should treat your sub like a patient going into shock, because that is exactly what their body is doing.

Final Thoughts

The experiences for the Dom and sub during subspace/subdrop will be highly unique. The Dom will be in control from start to finish and experience the rush of adrenaline power can bring. The sub will receive natural high courtesy of their bodies and Doms. It is a useful state that can bring pleasure and/or healing. Doms should always give aftercare during subdrop. It is the most important step. Lack of aftercare could result in your sub doubting their trust in you. I think that in order for this to be a working part of your S&M routine you have to be open to it and create a comfortable environment for both people.

References

http://www.leathernroses.com/submission/yieldingsubspace.htm

http://www.steel-door.com/Sub_Space.html

http://www.steel-door.com/access_subspace.htm

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Subspace_(BDSM)

"Task" Ideas (Homework for your sub)

First off, sex isn't school. So why is there homework? Well, you don't have to incorporate homework, but some subs like it (I don't). Also, some doms and Masters enjoy it.

Remember, your goal as a Dom or Domme is threefold: to bring you sub closer to God, closer to themselves, and closer to you. If giving them an assignment will do any of these three, it is a worthwhile activity that can help grow your sub into a better person.

There are multiple reasons to give tasks to your sub: to train them in obedience, for practice submitting, because they enjoy writing or research, so you can learn about something new without doing the work, to have them research something you like to get to know you better, as a punishment for something they've done wrong, to discipline them, for Teacher/student or Principal/student roleplaying, because you think it's hot, because your sub gets off on this kind of humiliation, or purely for the power rush of making people do what you say (this is actually why I became an educator. Just kidding. At the time, I thought it had something to do with changing the future, leaving the world a better place, yada yada...).

If you want to give your sub an assignment, and it isn't one of their limits, go for it! Remember, the point is to strengthen your sub or your relationship, not to be a controlling jerk. Here are some ideas:

• read Song of Songs (Song of Solomon) or a Christian sex book


• do a devotional of your choosing, reporting back to you at the end of the week (or do it together!)


• do housework with one hand handcuffed or tied, while you watch


• do housework with a dress code (forced feminization for guys, or wearing just an apron or just crotchless panties for girls) while you watch


• writing: erotica, fantasies, or letters to you about the relationship, things they'd like to improve, or favorite memories with you


• writing letters to God


• journaling every day (or once a week, etc.)


• doing research: any subject you'd like to know more on, BDSM, sex tips, relationship advice, etc.


• wear butt plug to do housework or for day (at work or in public)


• apply tiger balm to clit before housework: if they do well, reward with sex, if bad, reapply and give them a good caning. (Tiger balm burns!)


• Remember, this NOT just to get work done you don't want to do--must be something that makes either YOU or your sub feel erotic about doing!


• wear vibrator or remote-controlled sex toy to work or party---fun fun fun at your hands all night!


• take pictures for you


• have them describe themselves to you in sexy terms in permanent black marker. They can pick the four words that are most "Them" and write them, one on their chest, each inner thigh, and just above the crotch.


• cut up old panties into strips and make knotted rope to tie self with


• online or real sex diary, to build confidence or libido


• 15 minutes positive reflection per day


• 15 minutes doing something they enjoy and need but don't do: healthy food, singing, going to the gym, walking outside, dance class, reading, bubble bath and candles, soothing or devotional music, etc.


• tasks geared to help worriers relax: yoga, reading, bubble bath, playing or listening to music, praying, devotion, going to an extra Bible study or praise and worship session in the week


• tasks geared to help low self-esteem get better: list of positive things about themselves (add three things a day!), positive reflection, taking pictures of body parts they don't like as beautiful art, drawing body parts they don't like as beautiful, reading self-esteem books, etc.

Anything that will build your partner up sexually, emotionally, or physically is game. So is anything you both feel comfortable with that will make one or both of you feel sexy or more intimate. As a Dom, you want your spouse to be as happy and healthy as possible! And as their leader in the sexual realm, you can help make that a reality in real life.

Links for the Beginning Sadomasochist

So for those of you interested in learning more about BDSM, we hope this blog will be of use to you. It will certainly be of use to us! We are excited to journal our sexual escapades and hope you will feel free to message or email us any questions you have about BDSM, sex ideas, sex toys, relationship issues, marriage, divorce, Christianity, faith, you name it; they all connect with how we humans relate in the bedroom!

Before we start blogging, we will give you beginners out there a crash course in common terminology used in the BDSM world.

• BDSM: Stands for Bondage/Discipline/Sadism/Masochism. Refers to a sexual lifestyle where physical and emotional pain are used to heighten sexual pleasure. Also called Sadomasochism, Dominance and Submission, B/D, B&D, D/S, D&S, S&M, S/M. This practice is used by people of all races, religions, and sexual orientations, and differs from sexual abuse because all partners are consenting adults.
• Dom: Short for the Dominant, often called the "S" (for sadist), the Top, or the Master. This refers to the person currently playing the role of the Dominant, or Sadist, someone who likes inflicting pain.
• Sub: Short for the Submissive, often called the "M" (for masochist), the Bottom, or the Slave. This person is currently being dominated.
• Bondage: Any means of restraining or tying your Sub, including tying with rope, tape, handcuffs, or your own hands.
• Discipline: Refers to verbal or emotional "abuse" heaped on the Sub by the Dom, resulting in a sexy feeling of being humilated and dominated
• Fetishism: This is finding sexual attraction from culturally non-sexual objects. Common examples of fetishes are shoes, feet, and panties.
• Power Exchange: This is when the Sub willingly gives control (physical, mental, and sexual) to the Dom. It can be for one short scene or last for days or weeks, depending what the partners agree upon.
• Punishment: Physical "abuse" used by the Dom to enforce and maintain control over the Sub
• Roleplaying: A specific type of BDSM behavior including assuming a separate identity for sexual play. Examples could include Policeman/Suspect, Teacher/Student, Nurse/Patient, etc.
• Safeword: A safeword is a password agreed upon by both partners beforehand that will stop all play immediately. It is imperative that both the Sub and the Dom stop sexual activity as soon as the safeword is spoken. Safewords allow the Sub to cry, plead, beg, and scream, "No!" to their hearts' content, but as soon as they are genuinely uncomfortable, they can call it quits. Common safewords are Red and Pickle.
• Scene: A "scene" is the word for a particular roleplaying game. Participants decide upon a scene beforehand and assume their roles; scenes can last anywhere from a 5-minute play session to an all-day session where both lovers maintain their characters long term.
• Silent Alarm: A silent alarm is imperative for BDSM enthusiasts who are not in a loving monogamous relationship. When you begin to explore with a new partner, tell a friend who you are with, where you'll be, and what time you'll be home. If you are not home by that time, the friend is to call the police. Inform your partner what you are doing and encourage him or her to use a silent alarm, too.

Helpful Links for the Aspiring Sadomasochist:
Click on the links below for more information.
An article on safety for your BDSM adventures.
This website gives novice female subs info on how to stay safe as they begin exploring the BDSM community, and also offers links to reputable resources on BDSM.
Here is a general guide to BDSM.
Warning! This site contains pornographic pictures. It does, however, contain a humorous story on flogging and how to correctly use safewords.