I'm Lovin' It

Yes, I'm humming the McDonald's theme song.... and not because I like Mickey D's (ew), but because I'm happy in my D/s relationship.

I don't think it matters if you are vanilla, M/s, D/s, Taken in Hand, codependent, CDD, or whatever else you want to be, as long as you are both happy. In fact, even though I identify as D/s as well as CDD and Taken in Hand, I still have long and fruitful talks with my vanilla girlfriends about sex, relationships, and men. Relationships are just relationships, and even my BDSM marriage has more in common with a vanilla relationship than it differs.

Right now, I'm frustrated because Blogger doesn't have a gadget so I can publish my comments that I make to other people's blogs. There are so many great blogs out there to do with D/s, that I find through the blogrolls of the blogrolls of my Google Readers, and I comment on them because they're good and they make me think. I want my readers to be able to see these great blogs as well as my comments on them, and I also want to be able to find these blogs later once my "internet trail" is all but forgotten in a blitz of right-clicking and opening new tabs from the blogs I'm on. I'm always amazed by how many good D/s blogs there are out there.

So why am I happy?

I got a lot of sleep. That's always awesome for me. I was traveling the last five days and up late every night. When I got home, I kept my exhausted body up til 2:30 am with my husband, first fighting and then making love, and I slept until 2:30 in the afternoon the next day! (!!!!!) I mean, I normally sleep til 8:30 or 9 am. Sleeping in til 10:30 is a great morning for me. I cannot remember a time I have ever slept that late, but it really screwed up my sleep schedule since at 5:30 am this morning I was awakened by a purring kitty and felt wide awake.

I'm also happy because of the cats. We have two kitties, near and dear to my heart. One of them, the snobby one I've had since she was a kitten, is cuddly and nice about once a week, and the rest of the time is aloof, grouchy, needy, jealous, and whiny. But today, since I was gone for five days, she has been purring and laying on my lap, even though I'm typing.

The other one we adopted when she was about a year old from a family who had saved her from being put down by a neglectful owner. I'm not sure WHY this owner would ever put her down, since she is the most laid back, low-maintenance, lovey and friendly cat I have ever met. It makes me so mad when people do not take care of their animals. When we got her, she was ugly and scrawny, bony with nasty, gross-feeling yellowed fur that felt icky no matter how many times I gave her a bath. Now, a year after being in a happy, healthy home with regular access to nutrition and meals, she is a gorgeous, white, chubby kitty with soft, fluffy, healthy fur. I'd like to just punch her old owners in the face, whoever they were.

Anyway, this second one is usually pretty self-sufficient and uses humans only to be petted. I knew she loved to cuddle and get pets, but I assumed I was about as important to her as any warm machine that could deliver the same amount of cuddles and pets. However, leaving for 5 days has proved me wrong! She has followed me around for two days now, purring at a ridiculously loud volume and basically loving all over me. Cuddles, tummy rubs, purrs, kneading, and batting at the air have been going on for two straight days now. I think she actually missed me! In fact, last night I climbed in to bed, and she climbed up and flopped down next to me and started rolling on her back and pawing the air so energetically that she forgot where she was and slid right off the bed. It was hilarious! I saw her realize she was going down, too, and her little ears went back and she tried to grab the bedsheets as she slid down with a crash. It was pretty funny!

Anyway, aside from cats and lots of sleep, I'm happy in my relationship. It's such a strange feeling for me, after years of never trusting or being happy. Trust and happiness are still elusive for me, but it's improving. I don't always trust my Dom, but I'm slowly starting to more and more. We both hope that after years of marriage, I will eventually be able to open my heart to him and be fully healed.

We've had sex three times in three days, which is unheard of for us with my past of sexual abuse. I can go for 4 to 6 weeks with no sex without blinking, which drives him nuts. In fact, he really hurt my feelings the other day by telling me that although sex is great when we have it, the lack of frequency makes our sex life unfulfilling for him. I pride myself on being good at sex, and on fulfilling him in other ways than vaginal intercourse, so that news really, really hurt me---and made me less likely to want to have sex with him. Sexual healing is a vicious cycle.

Last night he gave me some new rules (hurray!) and although I don't like all of them, I am excited to have that structure. I don't think there's such a thing as too many rules for me, as long as he is able to remember and consistently enforce them all.

One of my rules is to have dinner ready at 5:30 pm. Yesterday I was very bad and got hooked on reading blogs, so I had to grab a fast dinner (cold chicken pasta salad on crackers) to get done on time, and I was really cutting it close at 5:28 pm. But I still made it! It wasn't a culinary masterpiece so I'm not really proud of it, but there's so much left over we'll probably have it for dinner the next two nights.

Another of my rules is to be sexually available at all times. This is also hard for me, due to the aforementioned lack of sex. I'm just normally not that interested. Intercourse scares me and makes me feel used and disliked. It's hard to train myself otherwise, even though in my head I know he loves me.

Last night, we had sex and it was very nice. But for some reason, I couldn't handle the "tender lovemaking" scene. I felt needy and spread too thin, like there were a billion ways I could go and I felt completely overwhelmed by them all. I didn't like it when he was trying to bring me pleasure tenderly. It just made me feel panicked. (I'm sure a psychologist would have a field day with this confession, but hey---I admit I've been screwed up and I'm healing, and I admit I prefer a codependent and enmeshed marriage to an independent one.)

Anyway, part of my training---he hasn't said this, but I can tell---is that he's trying to train me to ask for what I want, emotionally and sexually. This is very difficult for me. I tend to hint, or whine, or complain, or demand, or beg, but never simply make a request. I don't know why. Making a request makes me feel too needy, too scared, and too vulnerable, so I attempt other means to get what I want. Unfortunately, he seems to have caught on.

So he's slowly forcing me to make requests. He's stopped responding to my hints and moans and scrunched-up, unhappy faces, even though he usually probably knows what I want. Sigh. He forces me to say the words out loud and finish them with a "please."

Well, I don't like to ask for stuff sometimes. It's embarrassing to ask him for my vibrator or to ask him to hurt me. I feel like those desires aren't "normal" and they are shunned by society. A Christian wife should enjoy lying there, being made love to by her husband. But as a submissive, I want more. I don't want to be made tender love to (at least not usually, but sometimes I do!). I want to be hurt, controlled, and made demands of.

Last night, I needed to be controlled. "Making love" left open too many possibilities that just scared me to death. I wanted to be held down and used. Specifically, I wanted his hand on my throat, threatening that ultimate submission of lack of air.

I whined, and I scrunched up my face, and I twisted around, but he wouldn't do it. I think he knew what I wanted, too. Stubborn man. Sigh. I took his hand and put it back around my throat, but he wouldn't do it. Panicky me.

Finally, he laughed with a low growl and said, "Ask me for what you want."

Sigh. I hate asking. Especially for things society tells me I "shouldn't" want, even though I know in the BDSM community and with my Dom they are perfectly normal and acceptable, things "good girls" don't want or need like being slapped or hit or called names or having their husband grab them by the throat while they're making love. I just need something that makes lovemaking a little less intense and scary while I'm learning how to deal with it.

So, [groan], I asked for it. I even said please. My Dom didn't judge me for wanting to be held down and my throat grabbed, he just did it and kept one or both hands around my throat for the remainer of the time. When he took his hands away, I felt panicky and insecure. When he put them back, I was able to relax and go limp. I don't know why, but I needed that extra control.

Afterward, we cleaned off and drifted to sleep. I like it best when he grabs my hair or throat as I fall asleep, when he squeezes me tight against him with one hand and tangles his hand in my hair and pulls gently with the other hand. I need that slight tug of pain to feel safe as I drift to sleep.

This morning, I woke up at 5:30 because Cuddly Cat was flipping herself out purring so much as she snuggled her little face into my poor chin. Seriously, that cat was LOUD. I'm going to Europe in a few days and I can hardly wait to see how happy they'll be when I come back.

Anyway, I wanted to be squished, hair pulled lightly, body smushed down, but he isn't very good at that when he's sleepy. He just wants to cuddle vanilla-style. But then he woke up and asked if I wanted to have sex.

I was honest and said no, but I'd be willing. So he said okay and he had to go to work soon anyway. I think he wanted a little more enthusiasm on my part.

Well, one of my new rules is that I'm supposed to be available for sex at all times. I assumed this meant I had to be willing, even when I didn't want to. But as soon as I said I was willing, but not excited, he just gave in to me and said okay. So even though I didn't want to have sex, then my feelings were a little hurt because he didn't want to have sex with me. Even when I don't want to have sex, I want him to want me, you see? It's complicated, but then I'm a woman.

So I asked him if my feelings should be hurt, and when he realized I was willing and remembered he'd instructed me to be ready at all times, he went ahead and did it. He had to command me to open my legs a few times, and I wasn't warmed up so it was uncomfortable and it hurt. That excited me, since I like it when he enjoys me with little to no regard to my feelings or desires (maybe not all the time, but it's hot every once in a while!).

He pushed my legs over his head, and that hurt me so much I was crying out in pain, so he took pity on me and slammed me in regular missionary-style position. It hurt a bit, but not so much I couldn't take it, and I think he likes my breathing and cries when I'm in pain. I'm not sure if he knows which noises are "horny" and which ones are "pain," but I think he can normally tell and likes them both equally.

Once he was done, I took a quick shower with him and then he went to work. The sex may not have been mind-blowing orgasmic, but I've noticed that the more we have sex, the more open I am to the idea later, even if I'm not raring to go I'm at least willing. And it makes me just generally more open to his kisses and cuddles for the next several hours as well. I guess sex really is the glue that binds marriages together.

Today, I've been asked to drink some water (so I stay healthy and don't get a UTI from the sex) and also to put away my clothes. I'm not sure if he means my dirty clothes from my trip, or the clean clothes on top of the dresser, so I'll just do both.

It's a hot, muggy summer day here in Missouri, but life is good and I'm a happy sub. I'm finally being given rules, sex, structure, and commands. Life is good!

Submission through God

Yesterday, my Dom and I were having a talk about God, sex, BDSM, and the Bible.



Yes, all those topics were the same conversation.



Well, I'm that type of female who gets more turned on by talking then by doing. I've always been this way. I can read and research some BDSM technique for days and get far more hot than if my Dom had actually done it to me. I get more turned on by him whispering into my ear the things he wants to do to me than by actually doing the physical things themselves---just ask him sometime about a train ride in France. (It took us two hours to get home, and since we were on a train we settled for talking about what he wanted to do to me and writing down nasty names for him to call me. The end result was that, after all that talking, I was so incredibly turned on that I came immediately upon being touched once we got home, and that NEVER happens just from physical stimulation!)



We were discussing the difference in submission for a Christian woman as opposed to a sub or slave from a different religion. I was trying to share with him that, for me, it might be easier if he used terminology such as ezer, doule, handmaiden, and helpmeet, because those are terms that bear directly to my life and that I'm familiar with and comfortable with. Those are terms that mean something to me, terms I'm friends with and know what to do with, terms I've been acquainted with for years and already incorporated into my self-identity and my faith. On the other hand, terms such as sub, slave, Master, and submit, when taken in their purely secular forms, are fairly new to me and I struggle more with them.



I'd never thought about this before. But I knew that often, I had trouble "submitting." Other women who are subs or slaves seemed to do it so easily, just casting aside their "self" and submitting to a man. As a secular woman, this is foreign to me. I'm smart, educated, savvy, well-traveled, and self-confident. I struggled so much with casting aside myself just for the benefit of my equally imperfect, equally human Dom.



But to submit through Christ.... ahh, that was a concept I could sink my teeth into! To submit not as a secular woman, but as a Christian woman, a beloved of Christ, a handmaiden of the Lord, a servant and daughter of the One True God---that, I could do. It had never occurred to me until I read a blog by a fellow Christian submissive woman (more on that later), but once I read it, something clicked.



My Dom and I retired to bed and he "squished my head" (one of my most frequent requests, because I love to feel confined and safe) while I felt as safe as I needed to and he waited. When I was ready, I began to explain to him my new thoughts and revelations. I halting explained that while as a secular woman, submission was foreign, new, and unpracticed for me, if he could make me see that submission as linked to our faith, a new facet of submission would be opened to us. I told him that submitting to him, not because he's a man or a Dom, but because he's my spiritual head, caretaker of my soul, and the one responsible for my wellbeing and that of my children---that kind of submission, submission not to him but to God through him, that kind of submission I could do.



And as we talked and I opened my heart and he received it, I started to feel good. I began to get turned on.... I started to feel calm, drowsy, and dreamy, a welcome return to subspace after a frustrating inability to reach it for months and months... I started to feel closer to God than I had in a while and subsequently, closer to him. I suddenly realized that it had been struggle for me to try to reconcile being a kinster and a Christian, two identities I'd tried to keep separate but also tried to force together like two opposing magnets. And the struggle melted away as I realized I didn't have to be two opposing identities, but one complementary one: a Christian submissive. Not a secular submissive who also tried to be Christian, but a Christian submissive.



To submit to my Dom because he said so? Difficult. But to submit to my Dom the way I'd submitted before to my God, not because a human told me to but because my Lord and God called me to it in Ephesians 5:22? That I could do. I felt at peace, I felt loved, and I felt calm and turned on.



The most beautiful scene ensued.



I'm not sure how it happened; I asked my Dom how he read me so well and he said, "I just did." He couldn't explain it, but suddenly he seemed to be so much more in tune with me than normal. Usually, I feel like I'm in the scene wanting one thing, and he's doing the scene another way. Today, something in the air clicked.



I felt dreamy and like I wanted to submit to him. I wanted to submit to him because I loved him and because I loved God. Rather than him having to fight and force me into submission, I laid there, calm and serene. I felt needy and vulnerable, so I was unhappy when he tried to force me to do things; I wanted him to treat me gently like the husband in Ephesians 5:25-28. And so he was commanding, but not bossy; strong, but not forceful. He told me simply what he wanted and asked me to please do it. He stated his desires clearly: "I want you to bare your breasts to me. I want to use these clamps and I want you to hurt." His words turned me on even more as I dreamily obeyed and bared my most sensitive parts to his pain.



The metal chain was cold on my chest. I felt sexy with the chain dripping down between my nipples. I felt strong as I withstood the pain. I felt loved as he hurt me in ways I wanted to be hurt. I felt victorious as I took the pain for him and knew that this pleased him. I felt obedient as I thought about my Dom leading me to the Lord as my appointed spiritual head on Earth. I felt grateful that he wanted to hurt me and lead me in all the ways I wanted.



He gently turned me over and began to spank me. Feeling as calm and relaxed as I did, the paddle did not hurt as much as it had before, and I was able to take the pain and absorb it. Somehow, he read me perfectly. Sometimes I had to take deep breaths and remind myself not to tense up and fight the pain, but mostly I stayed calm and limp. In between spanks he rubbed my back and told me how great I was doing, how strong I was, and how pleased with me he was. It made me happy in the most frivolous way, and I beamed as I enjoyed my wondeful back massage.



The next time he spanked me, it felt good. Instead of raising the intensity each spank like he normally did, he got me to a new place--a wonderful place on the perfect knife's edge balance between pleasure and pain, a place where I moaned with pleasure as I absorbed the pain--and kept me there. He maintained the same level of strikes, and he could have stayed there forever and I'd have been happy. Instead, he raised the level a bit more to push me. He must have felt very connected to me, because just when the pain was becoming too much and I started to think that one more was going to be too much, he stopped.



We stayed that way, alternating between spanks and back rubs, until it was time to go pick a friend up from the airport.



I felt so dreamy and safe during that scene. I wanted him to keep feeding my spiritual, submissive side, talking about BDSM and the Bible and Godly submission on the way to the airport. Instead, life cut in and I had to come back out of my head, start thinking and analyzing and worrying and planning again. I wistfully wished I could go back to our bedroom and my "safe place."



I hope this is a new beginning for me and for us.... a new journey, not struggling toward the unachievable secular submission, but now flowing toward a Godly submission commanded by the Bible, inspired by Christ Jesus, and directed toward God and my Dom.... first to and through the human, and ultimately to the Lord.

The First Time She Cried

Today, I am writing about the first time I made my sub cry, how I got her to do so, and what it felt like. The scene was one that I had thought long and hard on how to be unpredictable. My goal was to not only hurt her, but also make her feel my behavior couldn't be trusted. I apparently fulfilled my goal, because later on she explained she was honestly scared. I was sure to switch out avenues of pain often, because I didn't want her to get too bored. For a short time it was fingering with too many fingers or paddling or whipping. I was also sure to leave the room for short periods of time. I talked to her along the way to reassure her I wasn't leaving to go get an ice cream or anything rash.

After a good amount of abuse I could tell her limits were being pushed, in a good way. I had her against the wall, naked, and each time I would whip her, her back would arch. I got tired of it and decide the next time that happened I would slap her repeatedly. Well, both of these things happened. I was after the slapping that she started to cry. I thought there would just be a tear or two, because she's usually stubborn. However, I turned her around shortly thereafter and saw her cheeks wet. I knew then that I was turned on, happy, and fully sadistic. Although, I would never, never endanger her safety, the scene was made sexy by her crying. I don't know how to explain this, other than to give an account of it.

It was after this, I knew I had to start winding her down and ready for aftercare. I was progressively less mean and nasty. In my heart, I knew I had completed my goal. Making your sub cry could give you a rush, turn you on, make you feel truly sadistic for not caring, and set you up for topdrop as well. That's my take, what's yours?

Feeling Needy After Scenes

Many subs (and Doms, too!) feel needy, clingy, sensitive, or mopey after scenes. This can be due to subdrop or topdrop, or it can just be because of the vulnerable, strong emotions sex and BDSM bring out. How do you deal with it?

If it is due to topdrop/subdrop, it just means your partner feels needy and blue because the endorphin high is draining out of his system. The pain and adrenaline you provided him gave him a rush; now his body is coming out of the high. Just like coming off a light drug, there can be a real low for his body. The best thing to do is provide aftercare, and we've already written several posts about how to do that! (See the "aftercare" link on the right-hand side of the page under "Topics in this Blog" for more info.)

But as a sub, sometimes I feel needy and clingy after sex or BDSM, even when no endorphin high was involved. This is not a physical drop, but an emotional one. It is still difficult to feel.

Why?

Sex is highly emotional for both men and women. Your body starts pumping lots of chemicals into your blood stream, making you feel lots of great emotions. But this can also make you feel overwhelmed. Even when I like the feeling of sex, sometimes I have a strange desire to cry, weep, or just curl up in a ball and be sad. I usually fight these feelings, but my Dom is a very caring, understanding man and he encourages me to go ahead and cry if I need to. I haven't been able to yet, but I appreciate the offer.

I've done research on this, and this is normal for many women. There are many reasons this can happen. One is that sex and love just heighten the feelings you were already feeling. Another is that sex can be very emotional and vulnerable, and BDSM often requires that I tap into my deepest emotions, hidden sad places, and darkest past secrets to bring sub energy to the scene. This is great, but also very overwhelming and sad for me. Another reason is that many women feel like crying, laughing, or screaming during sex, because sex is emotional. BDSM brings out an emotional response in people! Sometimes the emotional response doesn't make sense, but it is still what you are feeling. Sex can be especially emotional for women if their G-spot or deep within their vagina/cervix is being stimulated. This can bring along a very powerful, emotional orgasm because it seems to tap into a woman's core. And of course some of the things hidden at a woman's core deserve to be laughed about, celebrated, cried over, worried about, or talked over once they finally come to light again! We keep our strongest fears, joys, and feelings there, and if sex brings them out, expect a strong emotional response! If you are a man, the best thing you can do for your partner is to share this emotional response with her; whatever she is feeling, you will help her by feeling it with her, too.

One of the sweetest stories I heard was of a man who helped a suffering woman heal by experiencing her emotions with her. As he stimulated her G-spot, she began to experience strong emotions. She started to cry, and he felt sad with her. They mourned together; the man said that whatever she was feeling, he mirrored back to her so she knew she was not going through this alone. Later, when she started to get angry and roar loudly, he got aggressive and angry-sounding right back, roaring with her. And when she finally collapsed, crying and happy, he held her and rejoiced right along with her.

For those of us with issues of rape, abuse, self-esteem issues, depression, mental or emotional disorders, broken homes, or past hurts, sex and BDSM can often tap right into those deep emotional wells. I think this is, in part, why we are so drawn to BDSM! Here is a safe, structured way to play with our pasts, re-explore history, and perhaps mourn the loss of innocence or re-write the story with our own rules this time around. It doesn't matter if you want to re-do the scene on your own terms this time, or simply re-visit old wounds to give yourself time to mourn them and heal; BDSM and a loving partner can help you achieve this!

Whatever the reasons that BDSM makes us feel clingy, I know it is a common feeling. Often after any sexual experience, I feel needy and clingy for my Dom. I suddenly worry that I am a disappointment and worry needlessly that he is not happy, relaxed, satisfied, or happy with the experience. I go from a confident, sexy woman to a clingy girl in need of reassurance. In this mood, I need lots of physical affection, compliments, and words of affirmation. I tend to get really whiny, asking, "Did you like it? Are you sure? Are you sure???? You don't really think I'm a whore, do you?" quite plaintively. Even if I was enjoying the wild sex and emotional humilation 30 seconds before, now I need to be held and comforted.

In this mood, teasing, seeming dissatisfied, or continuing to play the Dom will devastate me. I feel super sensitive and emotional, and if he keeps calling me dirty or belittling me like he was in the scene, I start to cry. He has to be very careful because it can be hard for him to know when I make the emotional switch from "in scene" to "out of scene."

The best thing for me in this mood is to be close to my Dom; I don't want to be away from him. I need him to hold me, often cradling my head, and the more body contact we can get, the better! I need him to switch from the mean, sexy torturer to the nurturer. He usually rubs my head, tells me how good I am, reiterates tirelessly how much he enjoyed the scene and me, and keeps answering my repetitive questions as long as I need him to.

Other women say things they like during this time are physical contact, affection, compliments, and reassurance. Some don't want to talk, but simply be held or allowed to curl up at his feet. Some need to be cuddled or pampered by their Doms. You Doms are sometimes really good at playing the mean, nasty rapist, and while we love it, when we're done we need reassurance that you are still the same good, loving man who loves us as before. We want to know we're not a disappointment, we're not really dirty or slutty, and you are happy with our performance. We are subs because we like to please. Please reassure us that you are happy with us, with you, with the sex, with the scene, and with the world.

Tapping into all those scary, forbidden emotions for you is a rush, but can be quite demanding and taxing, and we need lots of TLC afterward. I know when I feel clingy and sad after a scene, I feel like I'm a failure and the whole world has gone wrong. The best thing my Dom can do for me in these moods is hold me, reassure me, and keep telling me, "All is right in the world, babe. The world is an okay place. Everything is fine, everyone is fine, the world is fine and you are safe. All is right in the world."

Training Your Sub (A Submissive's Perspective)

*Note: Labels for this post are highlighted in purple.

How, you ask, could a sub ever know how to train another sub? Well, for one thing, most subs are switches, which means they only sub part of the time. For another, only we subs know exactly what makes our brains tick, what makes us want to kill you, and what makes us want to kiss your feet. And third, I'm only a sub in the bedroom: I spend my adult life as a teacher, mentor, and tutor, so I have lots of leadership training. Training your sub is no different than being a parent or teacher: you have to be consistent, you have to be fair, and your sub needs to know you have his best interests in mind.

If you are just too "toppy" to ever learn from a sub, you can find my Dom's post on the same topic here.

In no particular order, here are my suggestions. Follow them, and you and your sub will develop a lifelong, happy partnership of amazing scenes, growing intimacy, and pleasure, pain, torture, whips, and orgasm.

Know What You Want

Confidence is key! Subs need to feel you know what you are doing and we can trust you completely. Even if you are unsure, fake it. Nothing is less sexy than a Dom who stops in the middle of berating you to anxiously ask, "Is this okay?" Have a definite goal in mind for your scene and know how you plan to carry it out. Have a backup plan, too, just in case you happen to be one of my many human readers and can't guarantee perfection.

Know exactly what you want your sub to learn: a specific "I want him to serve my tea at this temperature, in this mug, with this much cream and sugar" is much easier for you to communicate and your sub to grasp than "I want my tea done right." If you tell your sub, "Lie down!" this leaves us a lot of room for confusion. However, "Lie down on the floor, with your hands folded over your head and your legs spread apart" is a much easier command for us to follow, since we know what you want.

Be Firm

This relates back to confidence. So many Doms and Dommes are afraid to be too firm or they might hurt our feelings. Trust me, if we didn't crave you having this sort of power over us, we wouldn't do BDSM! Depending on the scene, you may want to change it up from a stern tone, to a soft murmur, to a shouted command, to an angry directive, but no matter how you choose to boss us around, be firm! "Um.... lie on the floor....?" won't get even the most submissive of subs turned on, and for most of us, who want you to earn our submission and will fight you tooth and nail for it, showing weakness just won't cut it. We need you to be the mean, scary jerks of our nightmares, wrenching control from us and rewarding us with pleasure beyond our dreams. Weakness has no place in BDSM!

Give Immediate Feedback

This is the most basic rule of parenting, teaching, or training. Feedback needs to be immediate. Did your sub do something right? Praise her for it. If you are playing the role of the sweet, caring Mommy or Daddy, this might be easy, but even the meanest rapist/torturer can growl out, "Yeah, that's a good little slut, you f**ing liked that, didn't you?" If positive feedback will ruin your scene, wait til aftercare time.

Immediate feedback is especially crucial when we do something wrong. This may shock you, but normally if we do something wrong, we did it on purpose to test you. Yes, your perfect little angel is just pushing your limits, seeing what she can get away with, and how much you really want to control her. So hesitation kills your scene. You must respond immediately. Don't threaten, just do. Slap harder than she likes, or spank hard with a paddle he doesn't actually enjoy. Never threaten, and never go easier on your sub than you say you will. That just tells us you're too nice/weak and we can walk all over you, then wriggle out of punishment next time. Needless to say, that is not the kind of sub you want.

Bottom

No matter how "toppy" you are, you're not too good to bottom. In fact, the authors of The New Topping Book suggest that every top should play bottom. This is how you learn to top. In this position, you learn what you like, what your sub feels like during scene, and how to improve your own topping and aftercare skills. Feel you're too good to bottom? Get a reality check and a serious ego de-booster. You're not ready to top til you're humble enough to learn by doing. This also gives your honey a great way to show you what she secretly wishes you'd do to her, without hurting your feelings or making things awkward with a "you're a terrible lover" conversation. Both parties learn more by experiencing the challenges and thrills of a new position.

Push the Limits

BDSM is all about pushing limits. If there's ever anything I don't like, it's men who don't push my limits. It's okay to push your partner's limits, even when they are scared, angry, or frightened: that's what safewords are for! If we really need to stop, we can safeword, or you can ask us, "Are you okay?" and we can nod or shake our heads. But usually, I play BDSM so I can be pushed outside of my comfort zone, kicking and screaming, and conquer those parts of me that I most fear.

Know Your Sub

Okay, so sometimes subs get too scared, distracted, or incoherent to safeword. So, know your sub. Talk talk talk about scenes outside the bedroom! EVERY scene you try should be completely discussed before and after. Check in during aftercare, again a few hours or days later, and learn about your sub's reactions to what you did. This way, when he is in subspace, you can better care for him. Or, if she becomes too frightened to safeword, you can read her body signals and know it is time to stop and comfort her. The better you read your sub's nonverbal signals, body language, and facial expressions, the safer scenes will be for both of you.

Admit Your Mistakes

Nothing is so unattractive as a leader who won't admit he screwed up. Assuming you are human, expect to make mistakes. Try to laugh them off, cry together, or pick up the pieces and move on. Sometimes a scene you planned won't come out right. This why you should be especially careful to plan beforehand! But even then, mistakes can happen, and you should be able to humbly admit it to your partner and apologize.

Learn, Learn, Learn

Your responsibility as a top is great: you and only you are responsible for both of your safety during scene! In essence, it's like having a small child dependent upon you. To better handle this responsibility, never stop learning. The best way to learn is to practice bottoming yourself. Every few weeks or months, switch with your partner. The next best way is to communicate: after every scene, ask your lover what he enjoyed and what he didn't, and don't get defensive or egoistic about the things he didn't. Your sub's feedback is your best learning tool. Also, read sex books, learn about BDSM, and join online communities. Books and chat groups on BDSM are going to keep your topping skills honed and keep your sub from getting bored.

Plan, Plan, Plan

BDSM is not something that should be done "on the fly." You'll both have more fun if you plan. Topping is hard work! You need to have a mental list of what you want to achieve. Have a general idea of activities you can try, and always plan for way more than you'll actually have time for; this way, if something you planned goes wrong, you can move on smoothly to the next one. No one wants you to be left standing there, whip in hand, looking foolish. If toys are involved, have them out, cleaned, and ready. Same with lighting, whips, restraints, costumes, lubricants, and aftercare materials (water, snack, warm towel or blanket). You don't want to lose momentum of a great scene to go grab a condom or hurriedly have to search for, find, and clean a particular toy. Your sub will appreciate you much more if you come prepared.

Have a Definite Beginning, Middle, and End

For those of us who aren't in a 24/7 relationship, knowing when to sub and not can be confusing. It is good to have some sort of signal so both of you know when a scene begins. You can have a specific code word, play certain music, or change the lighting and music to start the mood. You can touch or look at your sub a particular way that he will understand means you're starting the scene now. Or, you can have a particular ritual that lets both of you know the scene is beginning and to help you get into your roles: having the sub get out and arrange the toys, gently tying your sub down, or having your sub kneel, kiss your feet, and placing a collar around her kneck. Something concrete, like having the sub put on a specific corset or wear a collar, can be a powerful symbolic moment that lets you both know when play has started.

Having a definite end is even more important. We can't read your mind, and often have no idea when you're winding down. You need to make it obvious! I know I have been terribly surprised when my Dom stopped hitting me, plopped on the bed next to me, and said, "I love you!" while hugging me. It is too difficult to switch straight out of "scene" on your sub like that. We need time so we know you are winding down, and can begin to slowly transition out of subspace and back into real world. Never just stop suddenly and say, "Okay, we're done!"

A gradual transition is necessary. You can have a certain activity that you always do last, so when you move to it, your sub knows to begin transitioning out of subspace. Some Dommes tell their partner, "Okay, you can pick one last toy for me to use on you," or "Pick a number between 1 and 10, I'll give you that many swats with the paddle, and then we can be done." This lets your sub know the scene is winding down without shocking them with it mid-scene. Subs need lots of time to recover from scenes, so make sure you have a definite space for winding down and then a concrete ending!

Provide Great Aftercare

What does an exhausted and proud top do after a scene? Provide great aftercare. Don't start sighing 10 minutes into cuddling say, "Are you done yet? I wanted to watch the game/do the dishes/etc." Enjoy each other as long as you both need it, for hours if necessarily. Don't begrudge your sub this crucial part of lovemaking.

Want to be the best top ever? Go above and beyond the norm (cuddling, blanket, snack, and water). Some great ideas for pampering your sub are:

• put the blanket or towel in the dryer before the scene, so you can grab it after scene and it is warm and fluffy
• draw them a bubble bath or a bath scented with fresh lemons (slice them and let them float in the water)
• have a quiet, relaxing cd ready so all you have to do is push "play"
• give a massage with baby oil
• take a shower together. Gently wash and condition their hair.
• Compliment them profusely on their role in the scene

Note: many of these ideas came from the amazing The New Topping Book! If you haven't already, read it!

Subspace and Subdrop

There are two important aspects of the D/s relationship that aren't very evident to the beginner. The first one I'd like to mention is Subspace. This is a change in the mind of the sub, which takes them into a trance-like state. I've seen sources state it's akin to mediation or hypnosis. It seems to be a certain type of head space that is actually therapeutic for the sub. It is possible during the experience to access places in the sub's mind where they were previously abused. Recreating these events in a controlled environment can be a way for the sub to overcome the past. It is also pleasurable, because the levels of endorphins and hormones present in the bloodstream cause a euphoric state. This is a difficult subject to write anything authoritative due to the experiences being very unique and individualized.

How do we get there?

Sometime during the scene, the sub will become more and more detached from what is going on around them. Sometimes the beginning of subspace will come at the first command and others will need a longer warm-up. Your job as the Dom is to continue issuing firm and simple commands. Always be sure to enforce discipline with your sub so they know you are watching and care about them. They will most likely try and resist, but you should be well aware of this. Continue on and don't give in when the sub becomes a little bratty. You will start to see the sub get more turned on and more compliant. The natural high your actions induce will be more and more evident. Eventually, the sub will start to obey commands without resistance and display traits of an out-of-body experience. Welcome your sub to subspace.

What happens afterward?

Now the second item I want to mention is subdrop, which occurs directly after you finish the scene. This is the natural depression that follows subspace. The body's own painkilling chemicals and morphine-like drugs start to wear off. The corporal and emotional pain you caused is starting to settle in the sub's mind. Your job as the Dom is not over once the scene is. You are now to follow through with aftercare (refer to my sub's great post for tips). Take care of the wounds you created and cuddle your sub. Communicate to them how much you love them and how special they are. Get them water and a blanket. You should treat your sub like a patient going into shock, because that is exactly what their body is doing.

Final Thoughts

The experiences for the Dom and sub during subspace/subdrop will be highly unique. The Dom will be in control from start to finish and experience the rush of adrenaline power can bring. The sub will receive natural high courtesy of their bodies and Doms. It is a useful state that can bring pleasure and/or healing. Doms should always give aftercare during subdrop. It is the most important step. Lack of aftercare could result in your sub doubting their trust in you. I think that in order for this to be a working part of your S&M routine you have to be open to it and create a comfortable environment for both people.

References

http://www.leathernroses.com/submission/yieldingsubspace.htm

http://www.steel-door.com/Sub_Space.html

http://www.steel-door.com/access_subspace.htm

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Subspace_(BDSM)

Aftercare: An Important Part of Any Sex

We've talked a lot in this blog about how to terrorize and torture a sub, both mentally and physically. It is important to note that in BDSM, a sub derives some sort of pleasure from being frightened, dominated, hurt, or manipulated; it is never nonconsenual. Both partners enjoy doing something kinky and exciting. But I think it is really, really important to emphasize something we have not yet mentioned: aftercare.

Aftercare is exactly what it sounds like: taking care of your sub after your "scene" is done! It does not matter if the scene ended with a safeword or just because you were done; aftercare is vital!

Whoever is playing the Dom or Domme for this scene needs to be prepared to give your sub aftercare. The human body absolutely must receive time to heal from physical wounds or emotional trauma. Even if it was all in good fun and both parties desired it, the sub needs this TLC from their Dom. The human body does not register a difference between pain the person wants to receive and pain the person does not want to receive: your brain still releases the same chemicals, and your body still goes into fight-or-flight mode.

If your play was especially dangerous or edgy, your sub may be in physical shock. Even if not, their heart will be pounding and adrenaline surging through their body, and they need you, someone who loves and cares for them, to take care of them now.

Some good activities for aftercare for subs are:

• wrapping a warm blanket around them, as body temperature drops drastically when your body comes out of shock


• holding them and cuddling them silently


• stroking their hair


• giving them a massage


• bringing them a glass of water to rehydrate their body


• bring them a snack, especially if your mate has low blood sugar issues


• applying aloe if you've hit them hard enough to break or bruise the skin


• whispering quietly to them, rubbing their back, and reminding them how much you love them


• letting them cry, be angry, shake, or whatever they need to feel at that moment


• talking quietly about the scene, what they felt, what you liked, and re-sharing the intimacy of it together


• playing soft music, talking soothingly to them, reading to them, praying together, drawing them a warm bath, or anything else soothing

It could be psychologically damaging for you to play "hard" with your mate, then just get up and leave and expect them to be okay, or roll over and fall asleep! You can NOT forget to provide aftercare after every session!

Of course, these scenes can be hard on doms, too. Even if they want it, it can be difficult for a dom to have to play "the bad guy." They have to yell, hit, beat, or scare someone they love. They have to play a role that society says is wrong, immoral, or bad. That can be difficult for someone to maintain for any length of time.

Some good activities for aftercare for masters are:

• rubbing sore muscles (if you've been hitting hard)


• cuddling and being held


• whispered words of love and loyalty


• sharing that you did, indeed, enjoy the scene and appreciate their efforts to play "the bad guy" for you.

Whether for BDSM or not, sex should always be about intimacy and love as well as physical desire. Aftercare, cuddling, talking, holding each other, and communicating what you liked and did not like about the session is crucial in every relationship. Never forget to play hard, but provide loving aftercare later--your lover needs it.

Links for the Beginning Sadomasochist

So for those of you interested in learning more about BDSM, we hope this blog will be of use to you. It will certainly be of use to us! We are excited to journal our sexual escapades and hope you will feel free to message or email us any questions you have about BDSM, sex ideas, sex toys, relationship issues, marriage, divorce, Christianity, faith, you name it; they all connect with how we humans relate in the bedroom!

Before we start blogging, we will give you beginners out there a crash course in common terminology used in the BDSM world.

• BDSM: Stands for Bondage/Discipline/Sadism/Masochism. Refers to a sexual lifestyle where physical and emotional pain are used to heighten sexual pleasure. Also called Sadomasochism, Dominance and Submission, B/D, B&D, D/S, D&S, S&M, S/M. This practice is used by people of all races, religions, and sexual orientations, and differs from sexual abuse because all partners are consenting adults.
• Dom: Short for the Dominant, often called the "S" (for sadist), the Top, or the Master. This refers to the person currently playing the role of the Dominant, or Sadist, someone who likes inflicting pain.
• Sub: Short for the Submissive, often called the "M" (for masochist), the Bottom, or the Slave. This person is currently being dominated.
• Bondage: Any means of restraining or tying your Sub, including tying with rope, tape, handcuffs, or your own hands.
• Discipline: Refers to verbal or emotional "abuse" heaped on the Sub by the Dom, resulting in a sexy feeling of being humilated and dominated
• Fetishism: This is finding sexual attraction from culturally non-sexual objects. Common examples of fetishes are shoes, feet, and panties.
• Power Exchange: This is when the Sub willingly gives control (physical, mental, and sexual) to the Dom. It can be for one short scene or last for days or weeks, depending what the partners agree upon.
• Punishment: Physical "abuse" used by the Dom to enforce and maintain control over the Sub
• Roleplaying: A specific type of BDSM behavior including assuming a separate identity for sexual play. Examples could include Policeman/Suspect, Teacher/Student, Nurse/Patient, etc.
• Safeword: A safeword is a password agreed upon by both partners beforehand that will stop all play immediately. It is imperative that both the Sub and the Dom stop sexual activity as soon as the safeword is spoken. Safewords allow the Sub to cry, plead, beg, and scream, "No!" to their hearts' content, but as soon as they are genuinely uncomfortable, they can call it quits. Common safewords are Red and Pickle.
• Scene: A "scene" is the word for a particular roleplaying game. Participants decide upon a scene beforehand and assume their roles; scenes can last anywhere from a 5-minute play session to an all-day session where both lovers maintain their characters long term.
• Silent Alarm: A silent alarm is imperative for BDSM enthusiasts who are not in a loving monogamous relationship. When you begin to explore with a new partner, tell a friend who you are with, where you'll be, and what time you'll be home. If you are not home by that time, the friend is to call the police. Inform your partner what you are doing and encourage him or her to use a silent alarm, too.

Helpful Links for the Aspiring Sadomasochist:
Click on the links below for more information.
An article on safety for your BDSM adventures.
This website gives novice female subs info on how to stay safe as they begin exploring the BDSM community, and also offers links to reputable resources on BDSM.
Here is a general guide to BDSM.
Warning! This site contains pornographic pictures. It does, however, contain a humorous story on flogging and how to correctly use safewords.