Punishment is the Antithesis of Bitterness

I was thinking the other day that punishment is sometimes a lot better than the alternative.

Sometimes in a marriage negative feelings will build up. Someone will start to get bitter, hateful, or testy. Unforgiveness and bitterness can be poison to a relationship. But it can be hard to let go and just let bygones be bygones.

I think punishment helps my Dom keep away from that. Instead of becoming bitter and withdrawn over an issue that's been bugging him, a punishment and frank talk allows us to get the air cleared between us. Instead of him being unforgiving and trying to "get even" with me, which is never healthy for a relationship and is also against the Bible, it lets him vent his frustrations in a constructive way.

I've talked before on here about how I think punishment helps me avoid bitterness and distance. But it just occurred to me how it might help him.

Normally, I am more prone to unforgiveness. In me, it leads to distance, silence, testing, and sulkiness. But in him, it leads to fights or him being cruel or unkind to me. I hate that! But a punishment lets him deal with the problem assertively and in a healthy way. He still feels like he gets to talk to me, but without falling into being unforgiving and bitter.

For both of us, I think it helps us talk things out and avoid a buildup of negative feelings. It may not be fun at the time, but for me, it's much preferable to becoming one of those silently bitter couples.

Monogamy

Every once in a while, someone's blog or online posting in a forum breaks my heart. Usually it is a sub, heartbroken and lost because her Dom wants to have sex with somebody else. Date somebody else. See somebody else. Love somebody else.

Some subs and slaves are not bothered by this. Some even want it. Those aren't the people I'm talking about.

It always makes me really sad for them. Sad because I'm in a relationship with a man who completely insists on total monogamy for both of us. It makes me feel lucky, and wish this sub could be lucky enough to find someone like I did. Sad because I can imagine how I'd feel in their shoes. Devestated. Heartbroken. Hurt. Lost. Alone. Unwanted. Unloved.

I don't think any man or woman whose heart yearns for monogamy should ever have to endure the hurt of having a partner want to engage in polygamy. But it happens.

It makes me sad.

I think the lies that culture, pop magazines, and tv tell us about men are terrible, terrible mistruths. Lies like: "It's natural to be polygamous. All men want sex with other women. It's normal to fantasize about other women. All men masturbate. All men watch porn. It's normal for a man to think other girls are hot. Most animals in nature are polygamous and so we should be, too."

I want to hug these women and tell them that it's not true. They have the right to expect fidelity and faithfulness from a man. They are enough. The problem is not with them not being pretty enough or sexy enough or not wanting sex enough.

I know men who do not masturbate. Men who do not watch porn. Men who do not want to have sex with other women. Men who are not interested in straying with their eyes, hearts, minds, or bodies.

I'm not saying poly people don't have the right to be poly. But it breaks my heart to see women hurt by a cheating man who wants to call it "poly" instead of cheating.

I think they deserve more. A man who only wants them. A man who is captivated by only them. A man who loves them the way God loves them.

Fatigue

Fatigue is making it really hard for me lately. But then again, I guess it's making it easier too.

It's making it hard for me to spend good quality time with him. Usually I think he doesn't seem interested enough in my day. Now, when he asks about it, I wave him away with a tired, "I'm really... too tired to talk about it... can we just read or something?" Instead of feeling sad he isn't spending time with me or asking me out on dates, I'm lying prone on the couch, semi-conscious and just trying to make it til 8 pm so I can finally fall asleep. I don't have much energy to go on dates or go out shopping with him. My feet hurt too much. I can barely walk. I'm too exhausted.

It's also making it easier. I just don't have the energy to be disobedient or bad. I don't have any desire to fight with him. I don't feel angry or like he's being unjust when he tells me to do something. You want me to wash my face before bed? (Pause pause pause. Too tired to care.) Okay. And I go do it.

I'm not getting everything done I need to. Laundry... calling the credit card company... but he understands I am just too beat to do anything but the very bare essentials. I do what we have to do TODAY, to live and get through the day. And then I crash. And he can see that I am in no position to do anything but what I've done, and he lets me veg out. (Thank you!)

Suddenly, the fire has gone out of me. I don't want to fight with him. I don't feel angry or put out over... well, basically over anything anymore. I just don't have the energy for it. We're at peace a lot more.

I am too busy at work, too busy at home, too busy trying to get my poor body caught up on some rest so I can function in the workplace.

I kind of like it, as far as it pertains to us. It makes D/s a whole lot easier. I just don't have a strong preference with many things anymore, so I'm content to let him pick whatever it is that he wants to do.

Just as long as it means I can be in bed by 8.

But... I'm a Control Freak!

My husband dominates me. He punishes me. He takes control of my emotions when I get too mouthy or disrespectful.

Last night, we were having a "correct my attitude" punishment session which I was not enjoying. None of my techniques to avoid punishment were working, and I was getting it. No, it wasn't sexy! Okay, it was a little sexy, but it hurt, and I was tired, and it was not fun!

Every time he got me close to that dreaded edge... remorse... openness... vulnerability... surrender...

I realized what was happening, flipped out, and tried to pull away. Only I couldn't go very far. Because he was holding me in place via a very, err, awkward place on my anatomy.

"Who is in control?" he asked.

The correct answer was You. But what I felt was, Mostly you.

I'm aware this was only in my head. He had hold of my body, was causing me pain, and was 100% in the right both biblically and by what we'd agreed to. But some little part of me did not want to give in. So while most of me was truly apologetic, that stubborn little wench inside of me crossed her arms and stamped her foot and said No! I did not want to give up control, you see. I was afraid of total surrender.

Punishment can make me surrender, you see. So can sub space. Once I go into that mode, I stop feeling "angry, wronged, mouthy, and mean" and start feeling downright ashamed of myself. I'll fight fight fight my punishment, listing a dozen different reasons I'm not wrong or he shouldn't punish me, and then I'll just start to lose the wind in my sails. The anger will slowly ebb out of me. I'll get kind of sad and mopey. My body will start to relax. Eventually, I'll relax completely, going limp, and with one final sigh I will turn toward him, bare my body to him for punishment, and say in a small, resigned voice, "Okay." (By this, I mean, "Okay, you're right; I accept my punishment and open myself to whatever punishment you decide to give me. You are my head.")

Yesterday I was having trouble getting to that place and staying there. He was right and I was wrong. I accepted what he gave me. But I still wanted to struggle a little bit. I didn't want to be pushed over that final edge into total surrender.

Because I am a control freak.

He knows this about me. He loves me anyway.

He kept punishing me. I accepted it... mostly. I apologized sincerely. But this tiny 1% of me was still feeling quite put out about the whole punishment thing. It kept showing through my tone of voice and when I would pull away and sulk. So he kept pulling me back and starting again.

"Why aren't you giving in to me?" he asked. "You're mine anyway."

Am not!!! tiny 1% of me shouted. "Because," the other 99% of me responded, "I'm a control freak. I'm a control freak!"


I want him to be in control. I long for it. But when the moment comes, I get a little panicky. Suddenly, I want to be in control of my emotions! I want to be in control of my body! You can't have them! Well, okay, you can have most of them, but leave me just a little bit, okay? OKAY????

Not okay.

He has just started powering through. I call this Operation Take Submission.

Eventually, we both know I am going to give in and start giving it more. (At least, I hope so! That's what training is for, right?) Operation Take Submission will give way to Operation Give and Take.

How do you give up your control freak tendencies and surrender? What things does your Dom do to take submission? Doms and Masters, how do you power through when your sub won't fully submit?

Not-So-Effective Ways to Avoid Punishment

Today, Stormy had a great post about her Top 10 Ways to Avoid a Spanking. It really made me smile. It made me think about what techniques I try to get out of a punishment. ("Meeee?" *bats eyes innocently*)

Yep, I do it, too. I might add upfront that they do not work. This is because my husband is a pretty smart guy. They used to work in the past... sometimes... but not always. They pretty much never work now because he's gotten a lot more used to me and my wily ways. Oh, and he reads my blog. So he pretty much knows all my trade secrets. Drat it!

I don't mean to try to wiggle my way out of a punishment. But when The Fateful Moment appears, and I realize all my masterful dancing around the line has not worked and now I've actually crossed it, and I look at the paddle or feel the sting on my nipples, words just start coming out of my mouth in a torrent to try to save me from the fate I see in my very, very near future. I become convinced that it wasn't my fault and he should be more lenient! I'll say anything! If you'd like to give them a try, here are some of my not-so-effective techniques:

• Logic. I am a master at sounding logical when I am being illogical. I really think I should have been a lawyer. I won't lie, but I'll minimize the sin. "I didn't realize that came across as disrespectful. I thought we were playing. And anyway you know I'm so tired lately and you came home already grouchy. I was just responding to you." See? All my reasons my sin is not really a sin and you should just overlook it?


• But I Didn't Mean To. This is often true, so I try to use this one. "I didn't realize I hurt you." "I didn't mean for that to come across as disrespectful." "I thought I did say 'please.' In fact, I am almost certain I said 'please'! No? Are you sure?"


• Diversion. Oh look, a rainbow! This trick works well with children and goldfish, so I try it every once in a while on my husband just to see if he'll fall for it, too. "I wasn't finished talking about my day yet. And I thought we agreed we would discuss our plans for the week, too. Can't we do those first?"


• Wasting Time. When in doubt, talk talk talk talk talk. Fill up the space, fill the silence, talk talk talk. Maybe he'll get interested in something I say. Maybe I will accidentally hit upon The Perfect Excuse for whatever he's mad about. Maybe he'll get tired and fall asleep.


• Arguing. I argue because I'm really mad, not just to get out of punishment. If I'm arguing, you can bet I honestly believe whatever he's about to do is "Not Fair" (this is a cardinal sin with me). It's hard for me to submit to a punishment I think is not fair, so I keep arguing with him until he can prove to me that I am, indeed, in the wrong. Man, I hate that. :(


• Stating Facts I Cannot Back Up. This is my last-ditch effort, and it never works, since a "fact you can't back up" is not really a fact at all, is it? At this point I'll just say things with a convincing tone and hope he believes them. Some of my standards are, "You do not have the authority to do this!," "The Bible does not say you can do this!," "It's my body!," "You don't have the right!," or, my favorite, "You can't!" Of course, these are all pretty easy to disprove, since the Bible does say I am to give total submission to him and that he does have authority over me, including my body. And, as he has proved most adequately over the last few weeks, "Yes, he can!"
  

He really should be a poster child for Obama.