But unmarried Christians can still be kinky, can still be involved in the BDSM lifestyle, and can still want sex. If you take the Lord at His word when he tells us:
Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body. -1 Corinthians 6:18-20.
and
The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God. -Galatians 5:19-21
and
But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality. -Ephesians
5:3
and... okay, you get the point!--
then it's pretty obvious that, Biblically speaking, single and engaged Christians don't yet have the right to enjoy sexual intimcy with each other. However, that doesn't mean it doesn't happen quite a lot, even among true and devout Christians who truly want to follow God's ways.
How can a kinky, unmarried Christian stay pure without indulging in sexual sin?
Of course, the most basic, obvious answer is to do just what the Bible says--Flee sexual immorality--and not have anything to do with kinkiness or sex until you're married. I think it's telling here that the Bible uses the word "flee" sexual immortality. God isn't telling you to leave, or to sowly walk away, dragging your feet, or to flirt with sexual immorality a little bit and then ultimately slip away before you "sin." God is telling you to flee!!!! That's a strong word in the English language. I wish I knew Greek so I could tell you what it means in the original version, but I know that to flee sexual immorality means to keep it out of your life, thoughts, daydreams, actions, words, and heart until such a time as it is no longer sinful: when you're married.
On the other hand, it's really, really, really difficult to flee something that seems such a basic part of our human natures as kinkiness and sexuality. Our sexuality is a gift, something precious given us by God to enjoy in holy matrimony, so don't ever believe the people who try to tell you that God hates sex! I think it's one of His best gifts.
I can tell you that, unfortunately, being kinky isn't something that just magically appears on your wedding nigt (I wish!). It's something you'll have to struggle with probably from your teens until you are married. That would be a lot easier back in the days when people were kept from the opposite sex until marriage, and then married off at 15 or 16 as soon as their bodies were ready for sex, but in today's Western cultures, we put off marriage until we are 28 or 29 a lot of the time---more than a decade after our bodies are ready to start having sex!
Those years in between wanting sex and marriage can be a hard road for a Christian. I know I started having fantasies about being raped about the age of 14 or 15, long before I knew the words kinky or BDSM, and when I became a serious Christian at age 18 I just had to train myself to stop fantasizing or having impure thoughts. It was hard, and took a lot of discipline, but I eventually did it. I still struggle with it now, seven long years later, but I'm happy to say I'm getting married to a Christian, kinky man in 2 months and our long, hard wait is finally about to be over!
Are there things a Christian can do that involve kinkiness and sex, but don't involve sex (vaginal, anal, oral, or manual versions of sex are all still sex)? Sure.
Here are a few ideas. You can find out a wealth of information about each on the web, ask questions on Fetlife, or click the links to see more about that topic in my past blogs.
Compare each to the Word and ask fellow Christians or pastors if you feel comfortable. Judge my advice by God's Word and, in the end, pray about it before you decide what is right and holy for you to do as an unmarried, kinky Christian.
- making out can be sexy and kinky. Only you and your partner can know when it goes from "sexy" to "sexual sin," so be careful and communicate here. When we first started dating, my fiance and I experimented with kinkiness by making out, wrestling, and him pulling my hair or slapping me a little. This incorporated BDSM into our lives without any penetration or sex happening.
- Bondage can be sexy without ever leading to sex. There are a billion books or videos on different bondage techniques and "rope art." Experiment with these!
- Spanking and other forms of hitting can also be a sexy, cathartic release without having to lead to sex. Slapping, hitting, spanking, and other physical forms of torture like pinching, pulling hair, or light choking can be sexy and fun. Try these out now, before it has the pressure to lead to sex, and see what each of you likes and how far you can take it. On the other hand, if you want to try choking and asphixiation, read my Dom's warnings on this kink before you try it.
- Try chastity devices. Before marriage is a great time to try out chastity! These can be a sexy form of control before marriage that reinforces your BDSM bond while requiring sexless love.
- Pray together. This will strengthen your bond as a couple, your relationship with God, and help you fight the urge to sin when it arises.
- Without sex, see if you can exeriment with subspace. Do lots of research on it. See if the Dom or Domme can get the sub into subspace with just your voice or a glance.
- Use this time to do a lot of talking. Decide on your safe words, talk about what you think is sexy, determine your limits and do lots of research on types of BDSM like Christian Domestic Discipline (CDD) or 24/7 Power Exchange.
- If you'll want totake your BDSM into your marriage, talk it out now, before your marriage starts. Here are some examples of contracts you can check out.
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