Keepin' It Real

In books like Fifty Shades of Grey, as well as online kinky erotica, you'll find a lot of perfect scenes. Scenes that go exactly the way both Dom and sub want them to. Scenes that always end with mutual orgasms.

Let's have a reality check.

Sometimes scenes don't go that way. Sometimes scenes are horrible for me because they're a whole lot of pain and no pleasure. That is what my Dom wants, or maybe he didn't read me so well that time, or whatever. Sometimes scenes are pleasurable but not that much and I'd honestly be happier with a good book and a cold soda.

I've blogged about the ups and downs of our BDSM explorations, from the time my cat ruined our rope play to the first time we tried bondage and my Dom ended up bleeding profusely.

Romance novels, movies, and even our own BDSM community with all its focus on never-going-to-come-true erotica set us up to be disappointed.  Sure, erotica can be very sexy (myself, I love the spanking stories from Domestic Discipline) but it doesn't always equal real life, where in fact I hate being spanked and get mouthy and angry real fast.

We had a scene and it was FABULOUS

We had a scene and it was FABULOUS. Simply fabulous.

I've been reading Fifty Shades of Grey and of course that has gotten me thinking, and therefore us talking, about BDSM relationships. While the relationship in 50 Shades is pretty textbook BDSM (if there is such a thing), it's still given us food for thought, mainly because it allows me to go back and remember how I felt and what I expected and hoped for when we first entered the BDSM scene. Obviously, we've evolved since then.

We had the same ole Talk.

You know, the one where I want him to force me and he wants me to just submit. Sigh.

Luckily, it didn't turn into a fight this time. Just talking. Trying to work past the frustrations in herent in our mutual incompatible desires and expectations when it comes to BDSM. When frustrations got high, we tried to take a calming step back and understand each other verbally, even if we didn't change our stance.

Of course, talking about it... I wanted it.

It's easier for me to get into the mood when I'm super, super relaxed.

Me being super, super relaxed never happens. Almost never. Maybe if I'm super exhausted or just taken a Xanax or something. Which doesn't happen a lot, let me tell you.

But yesterday, something clicked. I was relaxed enough. I just sat there. I soaked him in. I let him do whatever he wanted.

Boy, was it fantastic.

(Warning: Sexually Explicit Details! Not work-safe!)

He told me what to do. He touched me. He hurt me, a little but not much. He fingered me. He talked dirty to me, which was sooo hot. He told me he was punishing me for being too mouthy lately. He made me give him head, and I thought I couldn't take it but he kept grabbing my hair and making me do it anyway. I kept stopping to gag, and I was worried that disappointed him, but he just waited a few seconds and then kept right on going. Then he pushed me backwards onto the bed in an uncomfortable position and did not let me move. I kept wiggling and breathing hard but trying not to change positions! He flipped me onto the bed and had sex with me, just a little bit, then went back to fingering me, hard, too hard. It hurt, it hurt, I wanted him to be gentler, but I kept coming and he kept telling me not to move my hands or my head. I came and came until I was worn out from coming, and it hurt so much, and when he finally, finally let me up, I started laughing, just laughing, from relief and happiness and the best. sex. ever! And then he cleaned my vibrator and used it on me, and I was so turned on and sensitive to his touch that I just sat there in exquisite agony and kept getting so close to coming over the brink but I never could, the torture just went on and on. And when it finally happened it was superb.

I was so happy. I felt so good. He made me feel so delicious. He gave me pleasure. I wanted to please him. I wanted him. I respected him, loved him, wanted to make him happy. And at the end I was an exhausted, panting, satisfied woman.

People, this never happens except in the romance novels. It was AWESOME!

Thank you to my honey. I am a very happy woman today.

The "Right" Kind of Sub

I've been perusing Submissive Guide again, getting caught up on some forum discussions and browsing new articles. I just can't make myself get onto FetLife again, since I've gotten bored with the same-ole, same-ole questions and answers about D/s and subs that have always been asked and answered, but I am dying for some new information on BDSM. That's why I started this blog; I could not find a lot of info on BDSM for newbies to the lifestyle!

But today I did find a good article on Souls Haven, and here is an excerpt:

You decide how submissive you are. You decide if you want to scene or if you want to be in a lifestyle relationship. It's your decision if you want to play with toys or if you prefer hands. It's your decision how hard "too hard" is. It's your decision if you would like to add sadism and masochism to your play or if you honestly just want to deal with the mental trust issues that D/s entails.

For me, I've tried scenes and I've tried lifestyle and everything in between. I'm still trying to find my niche. Am I D/s or BDSM or DD or Taken in Hand or CDD? I'm not sure!!!! I'm a little of all of them. Or maybe some weird mix. I don't know.

But I am definitely in agreement with this quote. It can  be easy to feel like you have to fit into a particular "box" in this lifestyle. Like if you are a sub you have to fit into the style of "sub" the websites describe, or the same for a slave or Dom or even a switch.

As a newbie, I really struggled with what kind of a sub I was. Did I want a contract or rules or not? Once I got them, they scared me and I didn't want to obey them. Did I need to be a masochist to be a sub? I tried pain play but I wasn't sure I really liked it. What I did like, however, was the mind play. I think this quote puts it better than I have ever heard it phrased, "the mental trust issues that D/s entails". This is the part I struggle with and yearn for most. I want to submit. Or, do I want to be conquered? Or do I want to be forced to submit, which is not really submitting? But I definitely don't want to be forced... It can get confusing. Just ask my Dom!

But there's really no right or wrong. The only true difficulty is in finding what kind of a sub I am, what kind of Dom my husband is, and then finding what kind of D/s we want to have. This is hard for us, and we've been working at it on and off for three years. We really aren't sure exactly what we want. I think he needs to think about it more and I need to think about it less. ;-)  And also, I think it is easier for us than perhaps it is for some other subs and Doms, because the norm on FetLife and the web seems to be that most people in this lifestyle aren't monogamous and try scenes with multiple partners, sometimes just as a trial run and maybe only once with the same person. I'm sure for those people, it can be really hard not to fall into the trap of believing that there is one kind of "right sub" because if they are not the style of sub that Dom is looking for, they can feel guilty and like a disappointment. It's not to say my Dom and I don't struggle with this sometimes, trying to mesh our ideas and frustrations with what we want, but a lot of that difficulty becomes a non-issue because we don't play with other people.

I wonder sometimes what it would be like to play with someone else, but it takes too much trust and vulnerability to ever try that, so we've agreed playing with other partners would be too close to adultery, even if there were no sex involved. Therefore, I am spared having to deal with new Doms and new styles, and I can just concentrate on trying to figure out what the heck is going on in my own marriage. :-)

Facepalm

Good grief.

It looks like the baby got hold of my phone and either emailed or texted part of a very sensitive discussion between my husband and me about BDSM, our relationship, D/s, and sexual attraction. And she emailed it TO MY DAD.

I might die of embarrassment.

I just got this text saying, "Did you email this to me? Something is not working right..."

*Facepalm*

One Lovely Blog

Thanks to Dauntless Vitality for nominating me for the One Lovely Blog Award! I appreciate it!

The rules of acceptance are, mention and thank the person who nominated you (see above), tell your readers 7 unknown things about yourself, and nominate 15 of your own favorite blogs for the One Lovely Blog Award, with links.

Here goes!

Seven things you will not know about me:

1. I vote Democrat 100% of the time but am staunchly pro-life
2. I believe redheads and cats are superior to the rest of us
3. My perfect day is alone all day in bed with a good book and computer, with a big bowl of cookie dough and a spoon
4. I think marijuana should be legal for those over 21
5. I once drove for 2 weeks with my brights on and didn't realize it
6. The hottest attribute I see in men is height. Oh, I'm a sucker for guys over 5'11".
7. I wish God had made humans to run on sweets and processed foods instead of whole grains and vegetables

Fifteen of my favorite blogs that I think deserve a One Lovely Blog Award:
D/s, BDSM, and Sexuality:

1. Stormy at Shelter in the Storm
2. Dannah at Subtypical
3. Clarisse Thorn
4. Rogue Bambi at Past the Hurt
5. Jake at Jake's Writings I Save- must be invited to read this blog
6. Sara at Finding Sara
7. Kaya at Under His Hand (very funny blog)

Other blogs I like:

1. The Bloggess (general humor)
2. Kelly Mom (parenting, breastfeeding, infants)
3. Chloe's Nails (nail art)
4. The Couple to Couple League's NFP Blog (natural family planning)

Comment on these blogs and tell them I sent you! Enjoy!

My Core: answers to journal prompt

My Core

 1. Your core is who you are. Who are you?

 I'm a conquered submissive. I'm a Christian, a mother, a wife, daughter, sister, friend, teacher, leader, helper, romantic, reader, artist, pessimist, worrier, doubter, fearer.

2. What makes you feel joy, pain, fear, excitement?

I feel joy when I hold my sleeping baby. When I sing or dance. When I hear beautiful music being sung by amazing singers live.

I feel pain when I feel alone, lonely, lost, misunderstood, and not listened to. I feel pain when people leave me, when I worry I'm not good enough or worthy or attractive or pretty or nice enough. I feel pain when my husband hurts me. I feel pain when friends and family do not put as much time and effort into me as I do into them.

 I feel fear when I think of my baby dying. I feel fear when I think of dying and becoming nothing. I feel fear when I imagine heights, airplanes, big dogs, the baby getting hurt, my husband liking someone else's company better than mine, my family not loving me as much as I love them, losing my job.

I feel excitement when I go shopping and imagine the "new me" that can emerge when I buy an accessory or clothes that are out of my normal box. I feel excitement at traveling to exotic new places. I feel excited about learning new things, like cooking, languages, fashion, grammar. I feel excited when I start a good book or have a whole day alone to spend with a book and my computer.

3. What part of you is most touched or healed by submission?

The part of me that worries I am "too much" and no one will want/love all of me. When I am completely owned, conquered, submitted to someone who has put forth the effort and work and demonstrated the strength of mind, body, and will to obliviate me, I know I am wanted, loved, cherished. I know I will not be left by someone who has put in that much effort to have me. It heals me fears of being left or unwanted.

 4. What part of you is most challenged or repulsed?

I am most challenged by being submissive when I submit myself, rather than being conquered. Just hoping that this gift will be appreciated and seen as worth the work and effort, instead of knowing.

5. When you share your core with someone, in the right hands, it thrives. In the wrong hands, it withers. What makes your core thrive? What makes it wither?

Attention, love, praise, mentally stimulating conversations about mutual interests, growing together, a new hobby together--- they make my core thrive.

Being hurt by those who profess to love me, especially when they hurl insults at me and tear down who I am in my core, that makes me wither.

6. What do you do, if anything, to keep tabs on your core, so that you may be growing and evolving, but not changing or compromising it for someone? What internal measuring sticks do you utilize to keep your inner being in tact while submitting, and how do you communicate it to your dominant/master/etc. if you feel you are being compromised?

 I try to talk to him if I feel I am being compromised. I am always very open with him; what I like, don't like, want, desire, need, fear, am drawn by, attracted to, or both. I blog and read blogs and reflect to keep tabs on my core.

7. Do you protect your core? Do you feel you need to? And if you do, what measures do you take to do so?

 I do sometimes, when I feel my Dom is not fully conquering me, I withdraw. I know I will get hurt if he is not wanting to draw me out and pursue me. I get quiet, I share less with him, when he asks what I'm thinking I say "Nothing" or shrug it off, I try to pretend I do not want his dominance, I don't mention it and just wait to see what he will do instead of putting myself out there and asking for it.

Things are Improving

Thank to to all of you who commented on my previous post with words of encouragement and support. It really means a lot to me.

The great news is, that sad and very unhappy blog has sparked a truly great conversation in our relationship!

I didn't write anything on here that I hadn't already said to my Dom. Several times, actually. But sometimes, a change in medium helps. I personally write much better than I talk. I can think out my answers and thoughts better, I'm better at expressing myself through writing, and--most importantly--I stay organized, instead of going off on tangents that become arguments that become fights. When I talk I get wrapped up in the emotion of it all, the hidden meanings, the tones, the judgment I feel. Writing I do much better.

After I wrote that blog, I felt like a great wall had just arisen between my Dom and me. We had talked about it and talked about it, and we didn't seem to be going anywhere. I felt hurt and alone and angry and said, and I said as much.

When he called me from work, I was quiet and distant. I told him I was "fine." I said I was blogging. I  have several blogs, and I  hadn't written on this one in a long time, so I assumed he wouldn't know which one or have time to read it regardless.

A few hours later, he said he had read my blog. I felt surprised and a little embarrassed. He said, "You said you were blogging, and I knew what you were doing. I went on my phone and read it. I want to talk about it again."

Well, we'd already talked about it. I didn't want to talk anymore. I was hurt and sad.

So, to my great happiness, he decided to write me an email. When we were dating we used to write huge, long emails to each other. I love written letters! They make me feel so much more loved and cared for than regular spoken words. I adore the time and effort that goes into writing a letter. I can read and re-read the words at will. They seem so romantic and sweet. And, important for me, I can read things unemotionally, rather than imagining I hear judgment and censure via someone's tone.

I was greatly looking forward to his email. I waited and waited. Finally, it came!

His email did not magically solve all our problems. But he did go through my blog, copied and pasted it, and then responded to each section in turn. He told me how he felt. He explained his frustrations and reservations. And, something that doesn't happen in our talks-that-become-fights, he made sure to say "That's true" and "Thank you" to the things I actually do well. That rarely happens when we talk; it all becomes defensive and negative and we both blame each other. But this email also included his words of appreciation and thanks for me becoming less critical, for me trying to appreciate him, for the times I do submit as I should. It made it  much easier to hear the rest of what he had to say.

I eagerly wrote back. I defended myself. I let myself get angry and defensive, because on paper it comes across as so honest and upfront, not so hateful and angry as my tone gets about the same thing when we talk verbally.

It really let us get things aired out, discuss our grudges and negative feelings, without getting sidetracked into a terrible fight with a cycle of blame, blame, blame.

After a few emails, I had arrived to my destination for the night and he was tired of emailing. (Much as I love love love letters and emails, my Dom really prefers words.... faster and easier.) So at midnight I called him and we talked. We talked for almost 2 hours. We talked and talked and talked like we did back when we were dating and newly in love and we would just chat for hours.

Sure, there were times he was frustrated. He was angry. So was I. But because we'd read each other's emails, we were able to know where the other was coming from and understand it. I was able to say things like, "You're right. I'm sorry, and I'll work on that," instead of, "Oh yeah?! Well, YOU do THIS!" And I was also able to ask him, "Do you at least understand where I'm coming from?" and he was finally able to tell me yes.

He finally made me understand that he doesn't hate BDSM. He just hates feeling like I'm never happy. I pointed out that I do try to give him constructive, not negative, criticism, and he needs to be able to take that. And I am happy with BDSM sometimes.

One of his biggest issues he feeling like he can't trust me. He says I always wanted "more," but then I would refuse to use my safeword. He was afraid to give me "more" because he was afraid he would really damage me. I said it is hard to me to use my safeword; I want to seem tough or strong. But I know that's silly and using my safeword is not a sign of weakness. And I finally could understand how he maybe was not being as intense or rough with me as he wanted, because he was afraid he'd go too far and wouldn't know if I wouldn't use my safeword. This made me feel better, because I always just thought he was "weak" and "not dominating enough" and that he did not want a BDSM lifestyle like I did. And, of course, I admitted it was my fault for not using my safeword and I know that is something I can do more.

We still need to really work out a few things. For example, how can I tell him what I want without him feeling criticized and shutting off from BDSM? How can we find a balance between me giving in to him and him conquering me? He wants me to submit, but I want him to conquer me forcefully. We haven't come up with a solution to that yet. It's been an issue for months and maybe years, and of course we haven't solved it in one night.

But we did talk. We came to some understandings.

And most importantly, I once again feel hopeful that maybe we do want similar things from BDSM. Maybe, if I use my safeword, he will be rougher with me and not be afraid of hurting me. Maybe he can finally use me and break me and put the pieces back together, trusting me to let him know if he ever goes too far. Maybe he will feel free to "hurt" me but not "damage" me.

That is what I want. I want more, deeper, scarier, more intense. It is not abuse because if I did not trust him 100% and know he loves me 100%, I would never be okay with him treating me this way. I would never let a stranger treat me like that; it would be abuse or rape. But with my husband, where I am safe and loved and I know he will always respect my safeword, I want to be pushed and hurt and torn apart and then lovingly put back together by a man I know loves me enough to stay around and pick up the pieces. I want to share that with him.

And the good news is, for the first time, I am excited to see my Dom. Excited to think that maybe we will be "intimate" and  it will be sexy and fun and rough and intimate. I am actually looking forward to it! Because he never seems so attractive to me as when I feel like he's going to dominate me.

I hope my wishes come true and I don't get disappointed again. :-/
 
I hope we are heading somewhere good. I wanted to let my readers know that I am okay. We are okay. I hope we will be heading in a good direction together.

I will keep you updated! :-)

Abuse, Intimacy, and BDSM

I've been reading the genius S&M feminist writer Clarisse Thorn once again. Her post, "S&M Aftercare... or Brainwashing?" was, as always for Clarisse, a gem. She is such a great writer and does a great job with tough topics like BDSM and abuse, rape, and nonconsent.

This post was all about the similarities between BDSM and abuse and how to tell the difference. There are many articles about this on the web, and it's a popular topic for bloggers. I'm proud of the BDSM community for working so hard to make clear boundaries of what is and is not abuse to keep its members safer.

Clarisse Thorn bravely points out that having an orgasm or enjoying a sexual act does not mean you gave your consent. She quotes one of her readers:

And part of that mechanism, that involves the desire for the abuse to continue, is that many of us are designed to want more intimacy once intimacy has been initiated with a person. Many of us don’t want to be left.

This is terrifying and real for those of us who have been abused. You hate it, but you want more of it. You hate it, but you enjoy it. You hate it, but you are aroused by it. You hate it, but you have an orgasm from it. You hate it, but you feel loved and desired anyway.

The above quote can help us let go of some of our guilt. How can we want it and not want it at the same time? Well... we just can.

Studies have shown that those who practice BDSM are no more likely to have been abused in the past than the general population. However, for those of us who have been abused, it's possible BDSM gives us a safe place to work through unsafe experiences. Clarisse Thorn continues quoting this woman, who said:

For some number of people who have experienced abuse, the greatest split within the self does not simply come from how horrific the acts themselves were but from the feelings of desire and pleasure that can happen in human beings even during horrific unwanted acts. For some of us, BDSM can be a safe way to explore unpacking some of this desire and how these arousal patterns got mixed up with horrific things — or were already hooked up to horrific things and that pre-existing fact was exploited by a harmful person.

Can I just say, "YES!"? Sometimes I want to be insulted and hurt. Because that is how my twisted childhood went: love, insult, hurt, love. My basic understanding of love is that it is stronger after hurt. Cycle of abuse? You bet. Still the best way for me to feel love? Yep.
My first sexual experiences were not consensual. This left me feeling that sex is gross, disgusting, and something that men to when they hate you. Sex = used. I'm learning that my Dom loves me, does not use me, and does not use sex to overpower me or hurt me. That's nice. But when I know I can trust him, that he is not, in fact, abusing me, I still struggle with craving "abusive" sex. I may not enjoy sex by itself, but I love knowing he is using me, enjoying me, abusing me. Mentally, I enjoy it. That translates into the physical, making sex much better than it could ever be just physically.

Clarisse herself goes on to conclude:

I do use BDSM to process past trauma. Not all the time. Sometimes it's just fun, sexy, about achieving the "high" of subspace, feeling owned and relaxed.

But sometimes. Sometimes I feel more wanted if he takes it from me. Sometimes I feel more loved if he makes me cry, then holds me. Sometimes I feel more secure if he's mean to me, then nice to me.

Because then I know what to expect.

I've already blogged about how the BDSM relationship between my Dom and me helps me deal with my mental illnesses. In times of stress, depression, or anxiety, especially when for whatever reason I can't be on medicine or the medicine isn't working, I rely on his power, on our BDSM, to keep me sane. I need that. It keeps me centered. He can control me when I can't.

I need that.

There is no evidence that abuse creates a desire for S&M — but there’s also nothing wrong with people who use S&M to process past trauma.

A Hole in My Heart

I miss BDSM.

I miss the sense of security it gave me. I miss the overwhelming awe and respect I felt for my husband when he had completely overpowered me. I miss the heartrending sobbing that he forced out of me, when I was finally pushed over the edge of my own control and I lost it, and how finally after that I would feel so calm and relaxed. I miss the surge of relaxation that laps through my body when he takes me by the throat. I miss the security of knowing their are consequences when I do something wrong.

I miss it.

My Dom knows this, but he is not interested in engaging in BDSM again anytime soon.

He has several good reasons, although they are hard for me to understand.

He says BDSM is unhealthy for me. That it's an unhealthy part of me wanting it. I get upset, hurt, confused, anxious, and then I crave domination and abuse. I don't come at it from a place of happiness and balance; I crave it when I'm upset. For instance, when we're getting along, I enjoy slow, loving sex. But after a fight, I have too many pent-up emotions. I hate him! He's hurt me! He's a jerk! It is then that I crave sex filled with violence. I want him to hit me and choke me and make me scream and cry. I want the emotional release of all this negativity that was built up between us during the fight. I want him to abuse me, just to "finish it." He thinks we should solve the conflict by talking it out. He is afraid those urges will just be even more unhealthy for me.

He says he is not interested in BDSM anymore because I was too critical. He says I was never happy and we just fought about it constantly. I say I'm never happy without it. Either way we have conflict. I really tried not to be too critical of him. I know men (and people in general) do not respond well to criticism. I tried to start approaching things differently, like showing him blogs that inspired me, or sharing stories from online blogs that I thought were sexy, or posing my wants as a question, such as, "Why don't we do this--?" instead of "You suck, I wanted ___ instead!" But it didn't work. He still knew that all those questions and all those blog suggestions were arising because I wanted something I didn't have. He doesn't like learning from other people's blogs. I love it. I get inspiration and ideas from there, and I see things other husbands do that I want done. He hates it. He just wants to "discover our own kind of BDSM" (I can't see why researching what other couples do can hurt us in our search to do that) and he says he is sick of hearing what other husbands do that he doesn't. I don't try to present it like, "So-and-so's Dom does this, so I want to be with him," but rather I try to phrase it like, "So-and-so's Dom does this, and I want that. Do you think that sounds sexy? What do you think about it?" But I guess it still makes him feel like I'm critical.

The strange thing is, I really tried not to be critical. After every scene, I would tell him what I thought any woman, vanilla or kinky, was supposed to communicate with her lover. I would tell him what I liked and what he did well. And I would tell him what I wanted and what could be better next time. I didn't approach it as a failure of his. I simply would tell him, or blog about it later. I would try to be very complimentary of all the things I liked. I tried to be specific so he would know what to do again next time (he normally didn't do them again, though, no matter how much I praised something). And I would say things like, "And at this part, I really wanted __________, and that would have been so awesome." For future reference, you know? As non-threatening as possible. But he still reads it as "criticism." He says I never said, "That was great." I always said, "That was great, I loved this, but this could have been better." I was just trying to communicate with him my sexual needs for future reference, but I guess it got him down that I was never 100% happy. And the times I was 100% happy, I tried to really praise him and tell him what specifically I liked and what he did so well, but looking back all he remembers are the times I still wanted something different.

He says we fought more then. This is true, but that's just because now I try to ignore my feelings and squash them down. Instead of fighting with him to dominate me, I try to be submissive and not test him. It makes for fewer fights, but it also means I am not getting the subspace high I want.

He says I was rarely happy with BDSM. I always wanted something more, more, more. To me, this is confusing. If he knows I wanted more domination, more roughness, more punishment, more bossiness, more control, then why doesn't he just give me more??? I think maybe he wants a sub who obeys, and I want a Dom who forces me to obey. They are not very complementary desires.

He says I am addicted to BDSM. He says me wanting the "release" of subspace is just like an addiction to a drug. He has made this analogy before. Subspace is, for me, akin to being high. I feel wonderful, relaxed, happy, submissive. A few hours later, the feeling ebbs, and I crash. I will do anything for a fix again! I want him to give me that feeling again, and I misbehave and fight with him to try to provoke dominance to get my "high." I think if he would just do it regularly I wouldn't end up misbehaving or trying to goad him into dominating me.

Yes, subspace is like a high for me. But I'm not sure why he thinks that makes it unhealthy or negative. Can't it be a positive natural high? It feels wonderful. I trust him and love him and respect him. But afterward, when the feeling ebbs and I perceive he is treating me as vanilla again, when I want more control, domination, and consequences, I get angry and bitter. I want my high again! It makes me more attracted to him sexually, it makes me love him more, it makes me respect him more. I see it as a very positive thing for our relationship. But he just wants to be able to go back to normal and not have to put in the "work" of controlling me.

He says BDSM keeps us from communicating. I honestly don't agree with this. I talk to my husband about everything, BDSM or not. I tell him everything I think and feel, all the time. Vanilla or kinky won't change that. But he says that when, after a fight, I beg him to just "get it over with" and finish the job by hitting, insulting, or choking me, it keeps us from talking about it. My defense is that NO AMOUNT OF TALKING HELPS. We talk and we talk and we talk. But I am still sooo hurt by what has happened and by how mean he has been to me. Talking does not allow me to scream and fight and hit and hate him and get all those pent-up feelings out. We've been building up to an explosion of violence and stopped before we got there. I want to use BDSM to experience the release in a safe, controlled way. So I can feel used and hurt and abused, but then afterward to feel safe and loved and understood. Fights do not do that for me. They leave me feeling used and hurt and abused, raw, ragged, and aching. There is a hole in my heart. We can talk talk talk about it, but in the end I just want him to finish it, to hurt me and then love me. That way I can heal. By just talking, I just end up scabbing over the hole in my heart, keeping that little girl who feels hated and abused inside and trying to ignore her. BDSM helps me flush that little girl out, screaming and kicking, and then she is gone and peace resumes.

Since our last big fight 3 weeks ago, I've been asking and asking for BDSM. He is not interested. He says he is tired of the fighting it caused, tired of not being good enough, tired of me never being happy. I have tried to explain to him that there is a hole in my heart. I need something that I'm not getting.

He says wanting BDSM is a want, not a need. This is true. I don't need BDSM like I need food or water or air. But it is a want that is embedded deeply in my emotional state and my psyche. It is a want that is bordering on an emotional need, and I'm not sure he understands that. I do want it, but the more I don't get it, the more it starts to feel like a need. Sex is a want for him, but I try to meet it. Just because I don't "need" something, it doesn't seem right in a marriage that he is completely uninterested in meeting one of my desires just because it makes him feel criticized (which I've tried to fix) and like we have conflict (is conflict always bad? isn't it better to fight out our problems than ignore them just so we can have "no conflict"?).

When he was growing up, his parents fought constantly. Therefore, he hates conflict. Me, on the other hand, I welcome it. I want it to be healthy and I want us to fight fair, of course, but I saw my parents get divorced because one was constantly fighting in an emotional abusive, hateful way, and the other was never fighting and always ignoring problems and saying "It'll be fine." I learned the hard way that neither extreme works! It is far better to embrace conflict when it arises and handle it in a healthy, respectful way, and then deal with it. I have seen a marriage die because no one ever dealt with conflict, so I am ready to jump in and fight out even the smallest problems; it's better than ignoring them and letting love die!

But my husband, he doesn't like conflict. His last major relationship, which lasted like 8 or 9 years, was a total dudd, but he stayed there because they never fought. They also never loved, laughed, had sex, or engaged in passion. But at least they never fought.

After that relationship ended, he was ready to have a relationship where conflict was dealt with. He realized that "not fighting" does not mean you are happy, or that the relationship was healthy. He is willing to put up with my pique and my over-sensitivity because he knows that conflict is not a bad thing for a marriage when it is handled respectfully. We both try to be respectful; although of course we don't always succeed, I think mostly we do. But he gets tired of fighting quickly. While I am willing to fight for months for BDSM in our marriage, feeling I am fighting because eventually we must fight it out to a mutually satisfying conclusion, after a few weeks or months of conflicts he feels drained and he is willing to give up.

He says he "rues the day" we heard about BDSM. I think that is ridiculous since we were already playing with kinkiness and power dynamics before we put a name to it. I've always been interested in being sexually dominated, from my first teenage fantasies to now. Healthy? Maybe not. Stemming from my past abuse? Probably. But that's who I am now, and if BDSM lets me feel abused/loved in a safe place with a loving, safe man, I'm okay with that.

Before I met my Dom, I didn't know that what I wanted had a name or a community. But I still wanted it. I remember feeling turned on when boyfriends would talk dirty to me or push me against the wall. I felt unfulfilled when men kissed me passively. I felt disappointed when one potential date told me he "wasn't interested in hurting anybody". I knew right away we weren't going to be compatible. So I think my Dom is misguided when he says BDSM is causing problems. Even if I'd never heard the name, never read a blog, never joined the community, I would still be craving dominance. Abuse. Love. Power. Violence. Release.

I would still be unhappy when I didn't get it. I would still be less sexually attracted to him when he didn't deliver. I would still have this hole in my heart. But now I now its name and I know what it's possible to get from this lifestyle.

And the worst part is, is when he refuses to dominate me and doesn't want to, but then I ask if he'd be mad if I had a Dom that didn't involve sex, he gets really, really, really hurt and angry. I don't understand how he can say in one breath that he has no interest in meeting my needs and then in the next breath get angry when I want to get them met elsewhere. I guess he'd rather me just feel alone and unhappy? He's okay with there being this hole in my heart, as long as we don't have to fight about BDSM.

I want us both to be happy. I try to be less critical. I try to not tell him what other people's husbands are doing. I try to not test his authority, even when every bone in my body WANTS to and is screaming, "Control me! See my test and rise to the occasion and conquer me!" I try to simply tell him what I'd like. I'd like him to choke me. I'd like him to make me feel like I'm his. I'd like some rough sex.

But he is not interested in giving it to me. Not interested in me getting it somewhere else. Not interested in getting it from him.

He just wants me to live without it. But I know I can never, never enjoy sex without that BDSM element.

I want to love and respect my Dom. I try to stay submissive to him even in little ways. He leads me and takes care of me and loves me and forgives me. I'm lucky to have him.

But sexually... there is something missing. Even outside the bedroom, the power I give him is power I give, not power he has earned or he takes or that he could keep if I took it away. I want that. I need that. This hole in my heart is gnawing on me, and it makes me feel alone.