Barriers on the Road to Surrender

Subs may hit road bumps on the way to submission. Whether your immediate goal is getting her to subspace, punishing her, or simply getting her to relax, you will doubtless hit these bumps in the road. Sometimes they are small bumps, things that you notice but don't really hinder the journey. Sometimes they are full-on barriers in the road and you have to stop the car and remove the barrier before you can keep driving.

Some barriers are doubtless in your slave's control. Some of them are probably not; these are the instinctual, emotional, or even habitual responses. Eventually, these can become unlearned, but that will take training and consistency on your part.

Here are some things that can hinder subs from fully submitting:

• Fear. This is at the root of all the other barriers! Whether a sub is stubbornly telling you no, swearing her remorse if you stop caning her, or putting distance between you, they all stem from fear. The question is, what is she afraid of? She may be afraid of being seen as a doormat, being judged, being too sexual, losing her self-identity, being too needy, or any number of things. Sometimes she may not consciously know unless you ask her and make her think about it.




• Stubborness. This is definitely within a sub's control, and represents a basic failure on her part to allow herself to feel "loss of self". You can point out what she is doing and encourage her to let go of herself a bit and acquiese to you.




• Embarrassment. It is almost impossible to relax enough to surrender to another person if a sub is feeling embarrassed, because embarrassment focuses on yourself ("What do I look like? How am I being perceived?") instead of the other person. It is a natural reaction, but one your sub will have to get over to reach fuller submission. You may want to reassure her, distract her, or simply focus her attention back to you.




• Self-consciousness. This is related to embarrassment. If a sub is struggling with insecurity and self-consciousness, it's going to be difficult for her to go into subspace or reach that level after a punishment where she completely surrenders. When my Dom brings my focus back to him, or causes me pain to distract me, it helps me forget about feeling self-conscious.




• Anger. Feeling angry means she's feeling wronged somehow, whether rightly or wrongly. She may feel you are being unfair or unkind. If she is focusing on how wrong you are and how right she is, this gives her a sense of moral power and judgment over you. You may need to talk through the problem and listen to her feelings and validate them. Even if you do not change your original stance (and often you shouldn't!), simply letting her know you understand her feelings and that you have taken them into consideration can help.




• False apologies. This happens a lot right before or during a punishment. Subs will complain and holler, "Not fair!" and come up with a million excuses why they shouldn't be punished and a million ways they will never do it again. Especially if the punishment hurts, she may start apologizing profusely before she means it. I will say that for me, false apologies are not an attempt to be dishonest or lie to my Dom. However, when I'm in so much pain that I'll do anything to stop it, the, "I'm sorries!" just come flying out without me thinking about them because I am desperate to make the pain--which I am honestly sure I could not handle one more ounce of--stop. One solution to this is training in overcoming pain barriers; another is waiting to see if she still demonstrates an actual attitude change once the pain stops.




• Emotional distance. This is a weapon many women have learned when physically overpowering you is impossible. You are bigger and stronger, so you can control her body, but she can shut you out of her mind. This is her attempt to keep some power. Symptoms include sulking, avoiding eye contact, not answering questions, and getting quiet and withdrawn. She may do it when she is overloaded or overwhelmed. Emotional distance is poison for a relationship because it impedes communication, which is vital for reconciliation. Dr. John Gottman calls this stonewalling, and its presence in a relationship makes you more vulnerable to divorce.




• Abuse triggers. Things that remind her of past abuse, whether physical, sexual, or emotional, will garner intense physical reactions from her that she probably can't control. She may go completely numb and unmoving, or she may fight you like a tiger. She is not reacting to you; she is reacting to the situation. Abuse victims cannot usually control their reactions; their brains simply react to a perceived threat. Communication is key to understand what her triggers are, why those are triggers, and so that you can recognize the signs. You can also work to devise a plan to work past those triggers or make them less intense when they do occur.

Wait! I didn't add pain to the list! While it is possible for physical pain to jolt a sub out of subspace, it is interesting to note that pain can actually serve to put a sub into subspace. Once my Dom has gotten me to clear my mind and relax, it is often only a centering jolt of pain that I need to send me into subspace. I call it "centering" because it forces all other thoughts and concerns out of my head, and I focus only on one thing. It also makes me go into subspace easier because I find it sexy that he has power over me.

Let's go back to the subject of which of these "barrier to submission" are in your sub's control and which are not. Some are probably conscious choices she makes; others are subconscious decisions she makes and you may need to point out exactly what she's doing before she will realize it and correct the mistake. For instance, I know if I'm being stubborn. It's a conscious choice I make, and I deserve it when my Dom punishes me for it. On the other hand, I often don't realize when I start to bring myself out of subspace because I'm getting embarrassed about acting "too submissive," or when I am forgetting to make a verbal request because I assume he'll read my body language. In those cases, once he points it out to me, I realize what I'm doing and can make the choice to change my behavior.

Other barriers, however, are not in her control. A sub who has been abused cannot control panic attacks brought on by triggering that event. Telling her to relax in that situation will not do any good, because the truth is she can't relax. However, even the most instinctive reactions can be unlearned, with slow and careful navigation on your part, lots of communication, and patience as you train her body to un-learn old reactions and learn new ones.

One reason I like the BDSM idea of "training" over the idea of just going straight to discipline is that it gives the sub time to understand what reactions she is having, how they are affecting the relationship, and what the Dom would prefer she do instead. Training can include punishment, but it is often the final resort, and first the couple is expected to communicate. If my Dom tells me what he wants me to learn, why it's important, and how he wants me to learn it, that gives me time to adjust to a new and unfamiliar pattern of behavior under his guidance and tutorage. He can guide me through days and weeks of learning the new behavior, and punishment is a final resort rather than his first answer to everything.

Sexy Showers and D/s questions

My Dom and I are trying, still again, to find the right balance to our D/s dynamic.

It can be really hard. D/s is just like any other aspect of our lives: our marriage, our sex life, our D/s dynamic, our finances. It takes a while of jiggling things around and talking and fighting and complaining and communicating and changing things until we find a vibe that fits right for both of us. I feel like, by now, we've gotten the marriage part figured out. We had trouble adjusting at the beginning but now we've settled into a groove that works for both of us. But the sex and D/s part? Those are more difficult.

They are definitely improving, don't get me wrong. But sometimes we see things differently. We are trying to create our own brand of D/s that is as full-time or part-time, as intense or laid back, as we want it. We are also trying to maintain D/s that fits us as Christians. While we've explored CDD and Taken in Hand, and those are very similar to what we want, I think what we're leaning toward lately is a bit closer to traditional D/s, only with a Christian dynamic.

It doesn't help when we argue about it or fight over whose fault it is that we don't have a perfect romance book-style D/s relationship. This is usually my fault, but the other night he told me he didn't think I was capable of D/s because I'm too emotionally inconsistent and getting a taste of my own medicine really hurt my feelings. Why bother to work at building a kind of relationship your partner doesn't even think you're capable of? Yet, as with so many things in a marriage, it is easy to turn to blaming others when things don't go right instead of communicating.

While I tend to complain and blame more, it's also hard because he doesn't communicate as well or as readily as I do. He doesn't feel the need for constant talking about our D/s relationship to maintain it that way I do. He is a man of actions, while I am a woman of words. Of course I want actions too, such as him following through with what he says he'll do, but I prefer to have the words first. If I'm not clearly given a command or specifically told what to do or not do, and then he punishes me for not doing it, I feel it is unfair since the expectations were not clearly, VERBALLY, stated.

My Dom sees a D/s relationship as one where the sub submits readily; I see it as one where I am forced to submit. Both these are valid kinds of submission; for instance, CDD is more similar to what my husband wants, and Taken in Hand is more similar to what I want, and I've seen BDSM-style D/s relationships that work both ways, although I think they are more often what my Dom prefers.

My Dom thinks scenes and domination should just happen organically and not seem too forced; I want to be in fairly constantly communication about our D/s and work at it all the time to make sure we sustain the lifestyle 100% of the time and not just when it "happens."

My Dom thinks a scene can be a success even if I don't like it. I used to think he was wrong, but now I can see his point. For instance, last weekend he tortured my nipples and spanked me for fighting him. I never got past my "mad-pissed-off-sub" headspace into my "calm, happy sub" headspace, because the pain escalated too fast and was never an enjoyable pain for me. I was just in a mood, I guess. I didn't think it was fair that he spanked me for fighting pain, when it is such a natural reaction! I also didn't think it was fair that he spanked me for fighting him, when the reason I was fighting was because he was accidentally pressing into my pregnant stomach and causing pain, but I couldn't tell him that due to the gag.

So at the end of the scene, I was pissed instead of calm, drowsy, and submissive. I thought the scene was a failure, but I was wrong. Although I didn't like the way he did it at the time, he still dominated me, and I still felt dominated, even if I was pissy about it. Later that night, I dressed up for him and wore more makeup than I had in a long, long time. I was more worried about what he wanted me to wear than before. I asked him what perfume I should wear and which eyeshadow color he'd prefer me in. At dinner with our friends, I got up and got him a plate of food without being asked. The next day, I acquiesced to sex even when I wasn't really interested, and afterward, I gave him head while kneeling before him in the shower and soaping his body with my hands. Instead of seeing fellatio as a chore, I actually enjoyed these actions, and was able to relax and let him slide farther down my throat than I had before. At the end of the shower, I even got him a towel and brought his clothes into the bathroom for him.

These actions are NOT things I'd do in my normal headspace. I'm not a naturally submissive person. In fact, my feminist mother would be ashamed I did those things at all. But I noticed that I was doing them. I wanted to please. I wanted him to be happy. And I wanted to serve him.

Obviously, I was wrong about the bad scene = bad domination. Just because I didn't like the scene at the time, I assumed it was not a success. Boy, was I wrong! We had the hottest time ever in the shower. The pain he caused me and the control he wielded had an effect on my psyche, even when I did not enjoy the pain, and it caused me to feel more submissive for the next day.

We are also trying to figure out questions like: What do we do on days when I don't feel as submissive? When he doesn't feel as dominant? How do we keep D/s alive all the time and not just in the bedroom? How can he make me feel submissive without causing me physical pain? How do I maintain that great "subby" feeling without getting sad and mopey 24 hours later? How do we maintain D/s in a non-sexual way? I'm in favor of more rules, but my Dom is more laid back and doesn't like to make and enforce a lot of rules like some Doms do. These are questions we are trying to find the answers to.

As always, you can expect I'll be blogging about the journey to find the answers. :)

Slashy Speak

On online kink forums, I always hear more experienced kinksters groaning about how awful this thing called "slashy speak" is and how much they hate it [insert online groaning here]. This is always followed up by a question from a newer, younger person, "What on earth is slashy speak?"

Slashy speak is typing with slashes to indicate who is the Master/Mistress and who is the slave. An example of it looks like this:

W/we went to pick up O/our children after school so W/we could take them out to
eat ice cream.

Slashy speak extends from the idea that Masters and Mistresses deserve to be written about always using capital letters, while slaves and subs should only refer to themselves in the lowercase.

Not everyone uses slashy speak (in fact most don't), but some Masters and Mistresses do require their slaves to speak about them using only capital letters, and to use lowercase letters when speaking about themselves. The idea behind it is that it helps the slave remember who is in charge and it shows respect to the Master. Of course, that is fairly easy when the sentences look like this:

Every night, She lays down and i give Her a back rub.

Additionally, some Masters and Mistresses require that the slave speak only in 3rd person, making the post look more like this:

Every night, She lays down and this slave gives Her a back rub.

When Masters require their slaves or subs to capitalize references to the Master and keep references to the slave lowercase, it makes words that include both of them (we, our, ourselves, us) difficult to type. Therefore, people use "slashy speak" to differentiate between the two, like so: W/we, O/our, O/ourselves, U/us.

Slashy speak is generally very unpopular in online forums. Although it does not bother me, many people say it is distracting and hard to read. If slaves spend too much of the post in slashy speak, some people just won't read the post because it hurts their eyes. I can totally understand not wanting to decipher an entire post written in slashy speak.

For me, slashy speak isn't an issue because my Dom does not require me to put pronouns referring to him in capital letters. This is good, since that is probably not something I would agree to, anyway, since I use capitalized pronouns only when referring to God, Christ, and other manifestations of God's divine nature.

But for those of you considering slashy speak, remember: it's generally unpopular on online forums, and can be difficult to understand. Keep it to a minimum, or try using it only for private correspondence between you and your Master/Mistress.

Submissive Journaling Prompts

To read my introduction to submissive journaling, please read this post.

Journaling prompts are themes that you can write about or questions to make you think more about your submission. Here are a few of my own submissive journaling prompts, and links below to some examples from other websites.

• Are you a natural submissive or a learned submissive or both? What parts of you are each?
• What does submission mean to you? Surrender? How is this different from passivity? Are the two connected?
• Would you rather surrender or be conquered? Why?
• When you were younger, what kind of fantasies did you have? Did you understand what they meant? How did you feel about them? Did you share them with anyone? Try to act any out? What happened?
• How do you feel about punishment in a BDSM relationship? Is it necessary for all Masters and slaves? Does it turn the slave into a child or make her a more responsible adult?
• What parts of you are submissive? What parts of you are dominant or a switch? How do you balance out these different parts of yourself?
• What actions your Dom does have you noticed make you feel immediately submissive or small? What actions just annoy or irritate you? Make you horny? Make you resentful? Afraid? Grateful? How could he recreate the good feelings in you and avoid the bad ones? Should he avoid the bad ones or do they help you grow?
• What aspects of your Master's leadership do you enjoy? What are harder to deal with? How do you find the inner strength and patience to endure the aspects you don't enjoy?
• What do you think about the phrase, "Topping from the bottom"? Is it always a bad thing? Do you do it sometimes? Why? How does your Dom react?
• What do you think are the top five qualities any Master should have?
• What activities or limits did you use to be afraid to try, but have now tried? Did you like them? How did you feel when you tried them despite your fears? Why did you try them?
• "A sub with a safeword is just a Domme on her knees." Do you think this is true? Why or why not?
• Do you ever desire to be a Top or a switch? In what situations? Why do you think these situations bring out that desire in you?
• How did you and your Master meet? When you first met your Master, what initially attracted you to him?
• What was your first introduction to BDSM? Who was involved? What aspects did you like or not like?
• When did you first begin to think you might like to live a lifestyle as a submissive? Did you enter the lifestyle with complete joy or did you have some reservations? How did you overcome them? Do you still have any reservations?
• What personality traits or habits do you most need to overcome in order to grow in your submission?
• What parts of yourself are not yet totally submitted to your Master? Why do you keep those parts separate? Does he know about them, and if so, how does he feel about them?
• Do you think you could be happy in a vanilla relationship? What would that look like?
• Describe what it would look like if you and your Master decided to have a vanilla-only relationship. What would change? What would stay the same? How would you feel?
  

More Resources:

Submissive Guide's Journaling Prompts.

These Inspirational BDSM Quotes can also be used as individual journal prompts.

My post with a journal prompt about Who You Are.

Amazon also has a book of journal prompts you can purchase, A Submissive Journey.

Submissive Journaling

Submissive journaling can be an important part of connecting to your inner submissive.

There are two types of submissive journaling: private journaling (for yourself) and public journaling (for your Dom or a public audience.)

Private Journaling

Private journaling is your private account of your trials, experiences, and lessons as a submissive. By journaling your experiences, you can keep track of your submission, including your most difficult areas. You can look back and see yourself improving. You can also just have a place to think about your submission, what it means to you, and keep track of your development.

Journaling for Your Dom

Journaling for your Dom is an important part of submission, and is often required for many slaves and submissives. My Dom does not require me to keep a submissive journal for him, but I do so anyway. This can be written on paper or as a blog set to "private." You can use your free Blogger account to create a blog that is set to private view and can only be seen by the person you choose. My Dom receives updates in his email box, so whenever I have written him another journal entry, he knows as soon as he gets home from work. It's a great way for us to communicate, since I have time to type out exactly how I feel, and he can leave comments and feedback on the site. This is great for us, as it allows me to share with him links to resources I want him to check out, sexy picture or videos of me I've made for him that I don't want anyone else to see, and my own private thoughts and expressions. Since I have more free time during the day than he does, whenever I find a new BDSM topic I'd like to explore together, I simply do the research and post the links to my journal. It's a great way to share what I've been doing during the day, not to mention keeping track of all the sites I've visited and want to visit again.

Public Audience Journaling

Journaling about your submission online is a great way to share your journey with other submissives. You can keep the blog as private as you like, viewable only to friends, or you can share your experiences with the whole web. Many, many slaves and submissives keep online journals like this. Check out Submissive Guide's Top 10 Submissive Blogs to check out a few, or look at my Blogroll to see some of my favorites. Eventually, you will develop online relationships with these fellow submissives, support each other in times of need, and create friendships that can help you become a better submissive.

A New Year and New Marriage

Happy New Year!

The wedding is over, the semester is over, and the holidays are over. What this means is, I'm happily sitting at home with some of that oh-so-rare commidity, free time, on my hands. Hurray!

My new hubby is out in the snow after church, buying paint since he painted over the wall in the wrong color. We've had some newly-married conflicts over much smaller things than that ("Why didn't your new wife make it into your Facebook status update?! Am I not as important as Cancun? Huh?!) but I am proud to say that in this situation, I was calm and collected. We have taken down the photos from the living room to put up a large piece of artwork by the genius Elizabeth Chapman (my wedding gift to my Dom) but there were still some holes in the wall. Unfortunately, he mudded and painted over them with the wrong color. Ooops.

Anyway, I have to say that married life has been nice. It's nice to light our Unity Candle before we have sex and know that now, finally, we are in a place in our lives where we can enjoy each other sexually without that guilt that comes from knowing you aren't honoring God as fully as you should in your lives. It's nice to experience orgasms and not feel like they're forbidden. Now, we're just doing exactly what God wants for married couples!

We've been talking about BDSM, although we didn't play around with it much on our honeymoon. I think my Dom wanted to, but I didn't feel comfortable enough with it since we were having "real sex" for the first time. (Yes, there are still Christians in the world who wait til marriage to have intercourse, even if we gave in to sin in other areas.) That coupled with my past sexual issues made me VERY unwilling to feel "raped", at least so far. Maybe eventually I'll get there. To my Dom, raping me vaginally sounds just as hot as raping me with his fingers or a vibrator, but I'm not there yet. And he's been very loving and patient about it.

So anyway, on the honeymoon we didn't do much BDSM, but once we were home and finally alone again, we started talking. We discussed what we both like and don't like (again---you can never do it too much) and we discussed how lately I haven't been feeling "dominated" even when he tries. We talked about the instances that something has worked for me and we decided that if he tries to move too fast, the domination doesn't work---it's when he starts slowly and builds up that I eventually begin to feel submissive. This was a good breakthrough for us, since I'm not terribly submissive naturally and I want to feel like I'm made to give in more than anything. Those times he just jumps on me and tries to force me, I get repulsed and turned off. Likewise, the times he only ties me up or messes with my head for 10 to 15 minutes, I feel bored and angry. What we discovered was that, when he ties me up and is mean to me for 45 minutes to an hour, then I finally start to slip into submissive space. I used to be able to get there on the phone with him from France just by his voice, but I haven't experienced it much lately since I've been living with him, and we both miss it.

So in the end, I don't have any hot and wild stories of unbridled passion to tell, but I can say that we are now a married Christian couple who finally have the sexual freedom with each other to fully explore the aspects of BDSM we only played around with before. And we have had some very good conversations about our successes and disappointments in the area of BDSM before.

I hope everyone's Christmas and holidays were wonderful and maybe your stockings were filled with naughty things! Au revoir!

Review: Truth or Dare Game

"Truth or Dare" is the new game my Dom and I got from Good Vibrations. Right now, the store is having a sweet 25%-off sale their entire site! I'd go over and check it out, if not for the Truth or Dare game, then for one of their rabbit vibrators, which are my very, very fave! :)

It took me a while to write a blog about this game because, well, there are so many cards to play with. My Dom and I tried it out, but we only got through about a quarter of the cards. So we waited a bit and then tried it out again... and then again. In my opinion, this is a very good thing, because you can have fun with this game over and over again without running into the same cards. A definite plus!

I loved the cute little box the game came in; it was elegant and sweet all at the same time. The cards are divided into two piles: truth and dare. In truth (ha! get it?), we had a lot more fun with the "truth" cards. In fact, I'd recommend buying this game simply for the fun, imaginative questions that will get you and your partner talking and laughing and getting to know each other's secret desires and funniest moments, whether you've been together for a month or forty years.

I'm big on bonding, so I loved the questions. Questions like, How much money would it take to get you to strip in public? and What were your earliest fantasies and what was so sexy about them? really got us talking. We loved giggling over the questions and sharing together. Rather than just answering the questions, we ended up talking and laughing about them for several minutes before moving on to the next one. Even things we had already talked about, it was fun--and sexy--to relive our best moments or hottest fantasies. And the cards suggested several fun questions we'd never even dreamed of! This game is great if only to get you and your honey communicating more and better---which is always a good thing for a relationship and a good sex life!

As for the "dare" cards, I wasn't so sold on those. Some of them were sexy and cute, but some were just a bit weird: for example, my Dom got one that said, Pretend you're at the gym and make up a sexy workout routine for your partner to watch. Hmmm.... awkward. I mean, it might turn him on to watch me stretch and bend, but to have a grown man do it--- not so much. (Not for me, anyway.) Now, if you want to get into some light BDSM, these cards will help you do it: One of you gets to be the Master for 5 minutes, and the other one must obey is a light, fun way to introduce your partner to some light bondage and submission, but if you're already into heavier aspects of BDSM, these cards aren't really going to stretch your limits.

In the end, Truth or Dare is a fun game for couples to play, laugh, and have some sweet, sexy times together. Good Vibrations has it on sale now for just $12.71 (normally $16.95) and it's definitely worth that just for the good laughs and sexy ambience the game provides.

And please take advantage of the store's three-day 25% off sale--it's worth it!

Turn-ons and Turn-offs

Communication is so important in any relationship, and especially in a BDSM one, where lack of communication could mean emotional mistakes and physical pain. The more we communicate, the better we know one another, the more we understand how to turn one another one (emotionally and physically), and the more we can avoid hitting a raw nerve in the relationship.

Want to help your communication?

Both you and your spouse should write down your top 10 turn-ons and top 10 turn-offs. Don't share!

Once you're done, you should sit down and discuss the list. Don't just swap lists and read each other's silently. Go through each item one by one together, discussing it, asking questions, giving examples, and really making a discussion about it. You'll learn so much more about each other that way!

Don't judge each other's responses. Just discuss. The point here isn't to try to convince your spouse he's wrong or that she should change her mind, but to understand them better.

To give you an example, here are my top 10 turn-offs and turn-ons.

Turn-Offs:

• men who make me feel physically less feminine (short, thin, small hands and feet, unattractive, girly)
  whining
  not taking responsibility for your own actions/making excuses
  disregard for the less fortunate
  not caring when I'm upset
  certain smells (hot sauce, smoke, bad breath)
  cruelty to animals
  lack of chivalry and manners
  lying. Lying. LYING! Did I mention lying? Or any sort of dishonesty.
  male masturbation.

Turn-Ons:

• A warm smile and personality
• being good with kids and animals
• a light, clean scent
• selflessness
• physically making me feel feminine (being tall, having big hands and feet and dick, leading me with your hand at the small of my back)
• being extra thoughtful
• worrying about me
• being traditionally masculine
• talking dirty to me
• being vocal in bed (lots of feedback, moaning, etc.)

The Art of Phone Sex

Phone sex is a hot and wild way to love your partner from afar. During the course of your relationship there will be times when you can't be together. One of you will be on a business trip, at a conference, or visiting sick relatives. These separations don't prevent your ability to be intimate; in fact, they can be a great exercise in love! The idea may sound hokey or strange to you, but if you quit judging it and give it a try. You could be greatly rewarded!

This being said, what makes for good phone sex? I believe it takes a close partner that is not only willing, but creative. They also have to know your turn on/offs and how to build you up.

In the beginning your partner should build you up slowly. The conversation turns sexy and turns you on. Great! Take full use of this by taking it a step further. Ask questions like, "Does it excite you thinking about this?" or "How do you feel when I do this?" Then follow with questions that make them consider touching themselves. Once they are comfortable with this, tell them to start touching. It doesn't have to be direct stimulation, but start slow with a caress on the tummy or arms. Work your way in to the erogenous zones of the body: shoulders, armpits, thighs, or butt.

Give them boundaries, too! Discipline is a very sexy aspect of phone sex! Instruct you partner on where they are able and not able to explore with their hands. Let them desire this and build up tension inside before you give them permission.

During all this fill their head with images of things you would like to do to them or have them do to you. This is instance where learning how to talk dirty is handy! You will provide tension for the body and the mind. Concentrate on their biggest fantasies, driving them closer and closer to an orgasm. Use repetition and make some noise yourself! You partner could use their own cheering section! Guide them slowly to an orgasm. Let them come and pick them back up again.

Have some time afterward to talk and bond before you hang up the phone. Phone sex is a great way to show someone how much you love them while they are away. It is very rewarding and a great addition to any sexual repertoire.

Some great phrases for phone sex are:

• Yeah, you like when I talk to you like that, don't you?
• You're such a good, sexy little bitch.
• Mmm, grab that cock for me. I want your hard cock in my hand right now.
• Baby girl, you're such a good little slut. You make Daddy happy, you know that?
• Do it harder. Harder!
• Touch yourself slowly. Are you imagining it's me? Tell me what you feel.
• Ask my permission before you come.
• I wish I could hold you down and slap you right now. You sound so turned on!
• Mmm, I love to hear your noises. You're soooo hot right now.
• Imagine spreading my ass cheeks open and jamming that hard dick up my ass.

The point is to be creative and graphic. You can't be there in person, so you have to make up for that in lots of talking and moaning that you wouldn't normally do. It's okay--and better--if you get turned on talking to your partner! The more turned on your voice is, the better it will be for them. Try bringing each other to orgasm together, or separately so you can enjoy the conversation. Try commanding your girl to use a vibrator or dildo on the phone with you. Make her ask permission before she takes off each layer of clothing or touches herself. This is a great way to combine BDSM with phone sex.

Enjoy!

BDSM and Communication: Two Subs and a Dom

My Dom, my friend C., and I had a little online discussion about what we like and don't like about BDSM, how it has improved our relationship and communication as a whole, and our favorite activities to try! So sit back, grab a cup of tea, and enjoy an online chat among friends!

BDSM and Communication: Two Subs and a Dom

1) When did you first get interested in BDSM?

• C: I first got interested in it when I was 15 and my boyfriend at the time admitted he was into it and I thought it sounded awesome, so I wanted to try it.
• Sub: I think I was always into it, but didn't realize it! Around 15 I started having fantasies about being raped. I wondered if I was normal. I have always been very turned on by being held down or pushed against a wall. When I was 19 I finally dated a man who had rape fantasies as well, and we "played rough" with rape, bondage, knives, and struggle. After that I was hooked, and began "converting" boys I dated, or else I just got bored with the sex. But I didn't realize there was a community of people like me, or that it had a name, until earlier this year (I'm 24).
• Dom: I first became interested in BDSM very recently. I was 27 and it was discovered with my current relationship. I realized something about myself. I began to understand it was something I wanted to experience.

2) How was it first incorporated into your current relationship?

• Dom: Both of us showed tendencies from the beginning. My sub is a biter and I love to restrain and be powerful. Our tastes played off each other and eventually we have our current situation. We started restraining, choking, biting, and slapping. Then the communication picked up. We shared openly about fantasies and what we were into. I learned not to judge something until it was tested, attempted, or tried. Now having done BDSM, I enjoy the love, communication, and trust that come with it. It is exciting, special, and can be healing. All are good things to introduce into a relationship.
• Sub: I agree. Hehe, he is right; I am a biter! :) With us, there were signs from the beginning. The first time we made out, he pushed me up against the door and I got turned on. He liked that it turned me on. The next time, he swept me off my feet, carried me to his backyard, and put me on the picnic table. Gradually our making out just got rougher and more passionate from there. Eventually I admitted my rape fantasies and asked him about his. He was freaked out at first, and then realized how much it turned him on. Slowly I started asking him to call me names and talk dirty. And then once he just slapped me! We were both so turned on. We realized we were on to something, and thank goodness we were both into it! :)
• C: It was incorporated very slowly and gradually because I was afraid he wouldn't be into it. I started being generally "rougher" with him in the bedroom then when I saw he was into it I suggested maybe he would like to treat me roughly. Once I felt we were completely comfortable with that, I waited 'til we were having sex the next time and told him to spank me, then harder and harder. After that he wanted to talk about the spanking and it naturally led to admitting I was into other BDSM activities, and he wanted to try them all.

3) How do you think BDSM has improved your communication with your partner?

• C: I feel that because sex and fetishes are probably one of the most intimate things you can share with someone, it makes other things a lot easier to talk about. It has definately made him more willing to actually express his own opinion aswell rather than saying things just to make me happy.
• Sub: I totally agree. If I can admit to my Dom that I want him to rape me, hit me while he comes, use me, insult me, and call me a bitch---well, that is pretty personal! So I know I can tell him anything. It really opened us up and helped us talk a lot about what we are okay with and what we are not sure about, without feeling judged.
• Dom: It has improved communication by causing us to be open and honest about that which is usually kept under wraps--fantasies. Most people wouldn't admit to their desire to try a rape fantasy. Most wouldn't volunteer they enjoy humiliation, because the judgment they would receive from their partners. They avoid these talks and are scared of the answer they might get. The scenes are also a great place to see how communication has improved. As the Dom, I have to pay attention to verbal and non-verbal means of communication. I have to make sure she is comfortable and taken care off. Even if she is unable to communicate this effectively. I don't believe my senses would be as keen as they are now without the care and practice BDSM offers.

4) How has it improved your sex life?

• C: Well, it means I get exactly what I want instead of enduring painful minutes of monotony.
• Sub: No joke! It has made us able to try anything. And be able to talk about anything.
• Dom: It has opened up so many ways to express sexual feelings and thoughts in a good way. We have a place to express ourselves sexually and emotionally most are too scared to visit. We can be anything there and as dirty as we want without fearing judgment (provided we don't push a hard limit).

5) What else has BDSM improved about your relationship? How?

• Dom: The emotional awareness is heightened for me. I have to pay close attention to my sub's body language, tone, and words during a scene. I do the same thing outside the bedroom. It has also created trust and love, because we know each others deepest fantasies. I think it gives her a place to be healed of past sexual trauma. It is a way to revisit the past with someone she loves and trusts. She can feel empowered over some of the events that made her feel helpless.
• Sub: Absolutely; I agree. I am slowly getting the guidance and leadership and dominance I need from a man, in a safe and structured way, rather than the abusive ways of the past. I can release "unhealthy" sexual needs from past abuse in a healthy way now.
• C: It makes us more relaxed around each other and it gives us ways to flirt with each other when we're not together, because he can always send me a text or message me on msn telling me of something new he has thought to do to me.

6) Are there any ways BDSM has made your relationship more difficult? How?

• C: I suppose it can be frustrating when he won't take things as far as I want them to be taken, then I can sulk with him a bit and sometimes cause arguments. But only very rarely.
• Sub: I'm the same way. Once I needed to be dominated but the mood just wasn't right. Lots of times our scenes aren't as intense or mean or painful as I want them to be. Then I get frustrated and moody and lose interest in sex for a while. I get grouchy at my Dom. Also, in BDSM you risk going too far and actually hurting someone's feelings, or being dominating when the mood isn't right and I don't feel like being dominated. Then I just get pissed off! :) He did this once and I got a huge attitude. We had to talk it out.
• Dom: I don't think it's made our relationship more difficult. I have hurt her once by talking dirty after she was ready to stop.

7) Do you think you know your partner better or worse since starting BDSM?

• C: I definitely think I know him better.
• Sub: Me, too. I know his secret desires so much better now, and it is something only we share, so it brings us closer in all areas. I feel close to him in a group of people because we have this bond with each other they don't know about.
• Dom: I think I know her better since starting BDSM. I feel like we are closer and have built a huge amount of trust! I love her so much and we communicate not only fantasies, but our feelings. I know that I can have a bad day and cry with her or share the greatest joy and be happy.

8) What are some of his/her favorite activities or fetishes?

• Dom: I know some of her favorite activities are biting, dirty talk, humiliation, she enjoys a good slap, being restrained, rape scenes, and hair pulling. This isn't an exhaustive list, but a good start.
• Sub: *giggles* He's right. For him, he likes the feeling of power and control. He likes to slap me and watch my shocked expression, hold me down, and hurt me. They make him feel powerful!
• C: He likes commanding me and telling me what to do, and he's also interested in filming us.

9) What is your favorite thing to do for your sub/Dom that you know brings pleasure?

• C: Doing exactly what he says.
• Sub: Haha, not me! He has to really work to dominate me to the point I will do exactly what he says without me resenting him. But I do reeeeally like giving him multiple orgasms. I like to sit between his legs facing him as I work his cock; this way, I can see his face and share the experience with him, and it is less painful for my wrists. In this position, I can do lots of fun things to his perineum and testicles, which makes him orgasm so many times without ejaculting! I love it; twice the fun and no mess!
• Dom: I love to go down on her and taste her. It is the best when she cums in my mouth. :) I also love to talk dirty to her for hours and hours! She gets so wound up and excited. I do, too! It makes me look forward to the first available private moment.

10) What is your favorite fetish to have done for you?

• Dom: I my favorite thing is when she struggles. It's totally dirty, but I love a good struggle and then to watch her give in. It's sooooo hot! Getting sweaty while wrestling and giving her a few good, firm slaps to the face is amazing.
• C: Spanking, dirty talking, general forcefulness.
• Sub: For me, probably talking really, really, really dirty and calling me terrible names! It makes me so hot. I also adore it when he talks dirty to me for hours, getting me all wound up, and then he can make me ejaculte multiple times. It is the best feeling in the world to come 7 or 8 times. It is rare to get me that worked up, but I LOVE it when he can!