Sleep, Anxiety, and BDSM

With my anxiety disorder, sleep is an important component of my life. I get drained, I need more sleep. But if I am anxious, no matter how much I sleep, I have chronic nightmares all night long. I wake up feeling more stressed and tired than when I went to sleep 12 hours earlier. It makes for a long, grouchy day. Days of bad sleep can turn into weeks and months, which make me depressed and starts a cycle of depression.

Not good.

The last few days, I haven't felt particularly anxious during the day. In fact, I've been having a perfectly nice week. But I started having horrible nightmares. Disaster after disaster overtakes me in my sleep. People shoot at me with guns. Savage animals attack me. Family members make me cry. Snowstorms erupt. I am lost, afraid, alone. Cell phones don't work or people don't answer. In all these dreams, I feel helpless.

I've tried the medicines the doctor gave me -- Xanax and Ambien. Xanax makes me feel calm before falling asleep, but it doesn't keep me from having nightmares. Ambien doesn't make me calmer, but it knocks me out so I don't keep waking up from my nightmares. But both are getting less effective. I am careful not to use them every day, but it seems my body is getting used to them, anyway.

Last night, my Dom pinned me down and had sex with me and called me names and talked dirty to me. He choked me at the end. I hated/loved it. Ahhh, the complexities of BDSM.

But afterward, after the anger and fight in me had subsided, I felt that nice rush of endorphins and I relaxed.

And you know what? I didn't have nightmares!

Or if I did, the Ambien knocked me out enough that I don't remember them.

For me, kinky, rough sex is a great way to work through some really negative emotions in a way that is not socially acceptable in most situations. It allows me to feel and experience those negative emotions, and then gives me a rush of calm and peace at the end that helps me sleep better. It is a kind of anxiety medication for a very anxious girl.

Maybe I'll need to start taking a "dose" every day.

Things are Improving

Thank to to all of you who commented on my previous post with words of encouragement and support. It really means a lot to me.

The great news is, that sad and very unhappy blog has sparked a truly great conversation in our relationship!

I didn't write anything on here that I hadn't already said to my Dom. Several times, actually. But sometimes, a change in medium helps. I personally write much better than I talk. I can think out my answers and thoughts better, I'm better at expressing myself through writing, and--most importantly--I stay organized, instead of going off on tangents that become arguments that become fights. When I talk I get wrapped up in the emotion of it all, the hidden meanings, the tones, the judgment I feel. Writing I do much better.

After I wrote that blog, I felt like a great wall had just arisen between my Dom and me. We had talked about it and talked about it, and we didn't seem to be going anywhere. I felt hurt and alone and angry and said, and I said as much.

When he called me from work, I was quiet and distant. I told him I was "fine." I said I was blogging. I  have several blogs, and I  hadn't written on this one in a long time, so I assumed he wouldn't know which one or have time to read it regardless.

A few hours later, he said he had read my blog. I felt surprised and a little embarrassed. He said, "You said you were blogging, and I knew what you were doing. I went on my phone and read it. I want to talk about it again."

Well, we'd already talked about it. I didn't want to talk anymore. I was hurt and sad.

So, to my great happiness, he decided to write me an email. When we were dating we used to write huge, long emails to each other. I love written letters! They make me feel so much more loved and cared for than regular spoken words. I adore the time and effort that goes into writing a letter. I can read and re-read the words at will. They seem so romantic and sweet. And, important for me, I can read things unemotionally, rather than imagining I hear judgment and censure via someone's tone.

I was greatly looking forward to his email. I waited and waited. Finally, it came!

His email did not magically solve all our problems. But he did go through my blog, copied and pasted it, and then responded to each section in turn. He told me how he felt. He explained his frustrations and reservations. And, something that doesn't happen in our talks-that-become-fights, he made sure to say "That's true" and "Thank you" to the things I actually do well. That rarely happens when we talk; it all becomes defensive and negative and we both blame each other. But this email also included his words of appreciation and thanks for me becoming less critical, for me trying to appreciate him, for the times I do submit as I should. It made it  much easier to hear the rest of what he had to say.

I eagerly wrote back. I defended myself. I let myself get angry and defensive, because on paper it comes across as so honest and upfront, not so hateful and angry as my tone gets about the same thing when we talk verbally.

It really let us get things aired out, discuss our grudges and negative feelings, without getting sidetracked into a terrible fight with a cycle of blame, blame, blame.

After a few emails, I had arrived to my destination for the night and he was tired of emailing. (Much as I love love love letters and emails, my Dom really prefers words.... faster and easier.) So at midnight I called him and we talked. We talked for almost 2 hours. We talked and talked and talked like we did back when we were dating and newly in love and we would just chat for hours.

Sure, there were times he was frustrated. He was angry. So was I. But because we'd read each other's emails, we were able to know where the other was coming from and understand it. I was able to say things like, "You're right. I'm sorry, and I'll work on that," instead of, "Oh yeah?! Well, YOU do THIS!" And I was also able to ask him, "Do you at least understand where I'm coming from?" and he was finally able to tell me yes.

He finally made me understand that he doesn't hate BDSM. He just hates feeling like I'm never happy. I pointed out that I do try to give him constructive, not negative, criticism, and he needs to be able to take that. And I am happy with BDSM sometimes.

One of his biggest issues he feeling like he can't trust me. He says I always wanted "more," but then I would refuse to use my safeword. He was afraid to give me "more" because he was afraid he would really damage me. I said it is hard to me to use my safeword; I want to seem tough or strong. But I know that's silly and using my safeword is not a sign of weakness. And I finally could understand how he maybe was not being as intense or rough with me as he wanted, because he was afraid he'd go too far and wouldn't know if I wouldn't use my safeword. This made me feel better, because I always just thought he was "weak" and "not dominating enough" and that he did not want a BDSM lifestyle like I did. And, of course, I admitted it was my fault for not using my safeword and I know that is something I can do more.

We still need to really work out a few things. For example, how can I tell him what I want without him feeling criticized and shutting off from BDSM? How can we find a balance between me giving in to him and him conquering me? He wants me to submit, but I want him to conquer me forcefully. We haven't come up with a solution to that yet. It's been an issue for months and maybe years, and of course we haven't solved it in one night.

But we did talk. We came to some understandings.

And most importantly, I once again feel hopeful that maybe we do want similar things from BDSM. Maybe, if I use my safeword, he will be rougher with me and not be afraid of hurting me. Maybe he can finally use me and break me and put the pieces back together, trusting me to let him know if he ever goes too far. Maybe he will feel free to "hurt" me but not "damage" me.

That is what I want. I want more, deeper, scarier, more intense. It is not abuse because if I did not trust him 100% and know he loves me 100%, I would never be okay with him treating me this way. I would never let a stranger treat me like that; it would be abuse or rape. But with my husband, where I am safe and loved and I know he will always respect my safeword, I want to be pushed and hurt and torn apart and then lovingly put back together by a man I know loves me enough to stay around and pick up the pieces. I want to share that with him.

And the good news is, for the first time, I am excited to see my Dom. Excited to think that maybe we will be "intimate" and  it will be sexy and fun and rough and intimate. I am actually looking forward to it! Because he never seems so attractive to me as when I feel like he's going to dominate me.

I hope my wishes come true and I don't get disappointed again. :-/
 
I hope we are heading somewhere good. I wanted to let my readers know that I am okay. We are okay. I hope we will be heading in a good direction together.

I will keep you updated! :-)

How Abuse Affected Me

Sometimes, my Dom is a little afraid to hurt me. To be mean to me. To demand submission when I honestly don't want to give it. Culturally charged words like rape and slavery make him cringe.

They used to make me cringe, too.

Pasts abuse made me fear giving up control. Sex was a weapon and men had the power. They could hurt you. They could use you, abandon you, lie to you. They could make you submit, promise you the world, and then tear your dreams of intimacy apart. I'd be left devestated and alone. I wasn't sure I could handle that, so I developed a fear of sex.

Not just all sex. Intimate sex. Mention intimacy and I'd shudder. I'd feel grossed out but couldn't explain why. No, thank you. Hurt me, use me, and I'll use you, but please don't try to be tender to me or look into my eyes or tell me you love me. Gross.

At the same time, I was also afraid of physical manifestations of power. I thought the male organ was gross and ugly. The penis was the enemy! I may not have said it, but I felt it. I acted like it. Because of penises, men did all sorts of awful things. I was not a fan. You might even say I was afraid of them.

Luckily, I met a few men who could control said male organs. Who seemed to actually put me first and their (or what my culture insisted was their) all-consuming need for constant sexual gratification second.

I was suspicious to say the least. Cosmo and tv and even FetLife told me all men were slaves to their sexual appetites. Magazines and tv told me that if men said they weren't looking at porn or masturbating or checking out other women, they were lying to you, simple as that. When such wholesome men came along, I thought I smelled a rat.

Eventually, I married one of those good, wholesome men. I was still pretty suspicious though. I just knew I was going to get used for sex, even if he never said it. I kept waiting for him to push me down and ravage me.

Now, I trust him a lot more. I've learned not all men are animals and I trust my Dom completely.

But sometimes it still makes him afraid to push me too far. Slavery.... consensual non-consent... rape.... coercion.... sexual submission. All these things are things we want and discuss, but he's afraid to go too far and damage me forever. Afraid because over the years I've insisted I could never want those things or trust someone enough to let them happen. Afraid because he's seen my eyes go vacant and my head go somewhere else, seen me roll over in bed shuddering and withdraw completely into myself and not talk to him, seen all the effects of abuse.

It happens less and less. But it's always a possibility. Abuse, like cancer or addiction, is something you can live with and get past, but will always be a part of who you are--- or at least who you were.

My abuse doesn't define who I am anymore. But it did shape who I was. And that affects who I am.

A survivor who is learning to trust someone who loves her very much.

When Anxiety Hits

The last few days, I have been struggling with anxiety again.

I've been off medicine for about 6 months, right before we got pregnant. It was hard at first, but eventually that terrible first trimester ended and life became sane and happy again. Since then, I've been doing fine.

This week, I can tell I'm having a resurgence of anxiety issues. I can tell this because my "coping mechanisms" are popping back up again. Things like feeling fatigued all the time, feeling tired for no reason, wanting nothing more than to crawl into bed and nap when I'm sad, obsessively chewing my nails or gnawing my fingers, getting overwhelmed quickly during arguments and lapsing into the silent treatment, and having the desire to shut myself into rooms or closets.

I'm not sure exactly what's causing it, but it could be many things: pregnancy, moving, living with my Dom again after 6 weeks apart, being off the anti-anxiety medicine.

I try to stick with my less-unhealthy coping mechanisms, for example chewing my nails is far preferable to shutting myself into a closet. But it's still hard, and once I get into a funk I can stay there for days.

My Dom is trying to help me come up with healthy ways to manage my anxiety. He suggested exercise, but I hate exercise at the best of times, and there is just no way I am going to have the energy to exert myself when I am 5 months pregnant and my stomach skin is already painfully stretched out just from walking around. I'm also trying to drink plenty of water. I wonder if having regular sex would be good; it's not something we normally do but it might be a way for me to get exercise and stress relief without having to actually get out and run in the heat.

My Dom has also figured out that just getting me out of the house can help. So does eye contact with him--I find it grounding-- and having a list of things to get done that I can cross off and feel productive about. I whine and try desperately to stay in bed, but he looks into my eyes and tells me our plan, and eventually I get happier once we're out and doing things. I like having a purpose, even if it's just small things. For example, yesterday we went to lunch and then to run errands. Lunch was pretty miserable; I was grouchy and picking fights, but by the time we'd run 2-3 errands I was feeling better, so we ran a few more and then went and got a Tropical Sno and that cheered me up considerably. :)

Tropical Sno can really solve all ills. There's something about that brightly-colored sugar that just cheers me immeasurably.

I've never met a family member or boyfriend who knew me well enough or had sufficient control over my emotions to drag me out of an anxious, unhappy funk. It's just one more reason I think D/s control is helping our relationship. My Dom doesn't use it to get off or have an unpaid servant; he uses it to take care of me and keep me healthier. Because he has sway over my emotions, he can help me when they get out of hand. And for him, he enjoys the control and having a wife who is calmer and happier. It works well for both of us.

Erectile Dysfunction in BDSM relationships

Erectile Dysfunction (ED) is a more common problem than most men admit. Of course, it makes sense that in a culture where manliness, sexual prowress, and sexual abilities are so valued, men are unlikely to openly admit they're having problems keeping an erection. First, let's dispell a few myths about ED. Then we'll discuss how ED can affect BDSM relationships and some treatment options.



Myths About Erectile Dysfunction (ED)

1. Myth: Normal men don't suffer from ED. Fact: In the United States alone, 18 million men suffer from occasional or chronic ED.


2. Myth: Young men don't suffer from ED. Fact: While it's true that the liklihood of suffering from ED increasing with age, men of all ages can experience this illness. ED is most common in men over 65, with as many as 25% of men in this age bracket reporting some instances of ED. According to one study, 5% of men over 40, report some instances of ED; another study claimed the numbers were closer to 18%. Among men as young as their 20s, as many as 7% complained they were unable to maintain an erection long enough for satisfactory sex.


3. Myth: If I can get an erection, I don't have ED. Fact: Erectile dysfunction does not mean the man "can't get it up." Having ED could mean an inability to get an erection, but it could also mean the man gets an erection that is only partially hard, or that quickly wanes, or that he loses completely before sexual intercourse can be completed to the satisfaction of both partners.

Erectile Dysfunction in BDSM Relationships:

ED can be difficult for any relationship, and particularly so in full-time BDSM relationships, where sex and power are inextricably intertwined. For many kinksters, sex is an incredibly important part of their relationship dynamic. If the man cannot perform sexually, this causes additional stress for both partners, and in my experience, ED can make both partners feel guilty, have low self esteem, and get depressed about sex--only making the ED symptoms worsen.

Help for Men Suffering from Erectile Dysfunction:

Of course, I'll give you the obvious answer first: see a doctor. It won't
help you to feel embarrassed about discussing this senitive topic; doctors are
trained to help your body work properly. I've often told doctors things about my
sex life and sexual health that embarrassed me, but I've never met a
doctor who was the least bit embarrassed by my questions, no matter how
intimate or personal they seemed to me.

Often, the causes of ED are physical, especially in older men. The blood flow to the penis is simply not as plentiful or consistent, and medicine can help this issue. Spending longer on foreplay, stroking and touching your partner, and waiting for a longer interval between erections can help the issue. ED can also be caused by diabetes, low blood sugar, high blood pressure, alcohol abuse, chronic smoking, and fatigue.

Sometimes, however, ED is caused by psychologial issues; this is often the case for men in theirs 20s and 30s. Men who suffer from depression or PTSD are more likely to see ED arise as a side effect of this condition; likewise, acute stress such as moving, job changes, a death in the family, or a major life event can cause temporary ED. In these cases, a doctor, sex therapist, or psychiatrist can provide counseling, stress management techniques, or anti-anxiety medication.

No matter why you or your partner are suffering from ED, this can be a hard time for the relationship. Trust me; I've been there! My husband is only 28, but he struggles with occasional PTSD and stress that lead to ED. This can cause hurt feelings, frustration, and low self-esteem for both of us. We're simply learning to work with it, to seek out help, and to communicate about our hurt feelings.



For more information, see my sources for this post:

• Psychological Problems Cause ED in Young Men by Fox News


• Erectile Dysfunction from Family Doctor


• Erectile Dysfunction Basics from WebMD


• Physical Causes of Erectile Dysfunction from WebMD


• Eectile Dysfunction from Healthy Place

Eye Contact and Making Love

The other night, my Dom and I had a great experience through eye contact.

We cuddled, talked, and he held me while we talked softly about my past sexual traumas. This is something I actually enjoy talking about, since it opens up an emotional, vulnerable side of me that lets me access my deeper emotions. It is easier for me to feel emotionally close, vulnerable, and loved when sharing the pain of my past with someone.

After this, he held me and kissed me as he looked down into my eyes. Always afraid of eye contact, I found myself wanting it now. Sometimes, I would get too self conscious about a face I was making, and shut my eyes. Sometimes, it would feel too intense and I'd wonder what he was thinking, and shut my eyes.

But mostly, mostly it was wonderful.

Sweet, tender, amazing.

Intense.

I'd never known eye contact could do that. It changed "sex" into "making love."

Afterward, I cried. Real, happy tears. Sad tears, too. But it felt wonderful.

I highly recommend it.

The Servanthood of a Master

"Masters have to be more selfless than anyone."

This gem of a quote was taken from Fetlife member Seya, and I thank her for it.

I don't know is Seya is a Christian or not, but it spoke worlds to me. It's not a popular thought, certainly, that Masters (and Doms, tops, Daddies, Mommies, trainers, the list goes on...) would have to be anything but completely selfish, egotistical, self-pleasing sex machines. Some people have this idea that Masters must be the most selfish people in the world and all subs and slaves must be doormats.

Well, that's not always true.

But first let's talk about the times when it is true. There is no right or wrong way to do BDSM, so everyone gets to decide what is "right" in their relationship. Some Masters really do control everything about the slave and receive great satisfaction from having every sexual and emotional whim catered to. Likewise, there are some subs and slaves that honestly love to put their Master's needs first and live a completely selfless lifestyle. In these relationships, both members have carefully designed the relationship to fit their needs, and hopefully everyone is happy.

Then there are some Masters--usually single and trolling online dating and fetish sites--that seem to think that's what they want and that's what they're entitled to. They can't tell the difference between "a sub" and "MY sub." They automatically assume they can boss around every person who claims to be submissive without regarding that person's needs. It's sad but true: Fetlife and CollarMe are chock full of wanna-be Doms and Masters who will write a sub, completely ignoring the sub's profile, list of requirements, interests and kinks, or relationship status, and give them a list of commands that is both dirty and gross. I'm yet to meet a sub this worked on, but maybe they're out there.

But that's not the way it works in Christian relationships.

At least, not mine.

My Dom has far more asked of him than he asks of me. He takes the words of Scripture very seriously:

In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies.
-Ephesians 5:28

Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers. Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing. -1 Peter 3:-9

My Dom tries to love me like God loves the Son, like Christ loves the Church, the way a man should love his wife. This calls for that popular Christian term, servant leadership.

Is he the Dom? Yes. It is always easy for us? No. Not with a fiery red-headed control freak in the house and a calm, people-pleasing man!

But he does it for me.

First Peter talks about husbands loving their wives as the "weaker partner." I've read commentaries that refer to women being physically weaker. My Dom and I agree that not only am I smaller and less strong physically, but emotionally and spiritually as well. Sure, I'm a daughter of the Most High God and a powerhouse, but I still struggle. The world hurts me more than it hurts him. My feelings get hurt easier, I cry sooner, I whine more, I'm needier and more clingy, and I am more prone to doubts and valleys in my relationship with God.

So my Dom tries to do what God intends for him to do: be compassionate and humble. Even with me, his sub.

When I snap at him and am impossible to please, he forgives me and holds me.

When I'm stressed and unhappy, he puts his own stresses aside and holds me and "squishes my head" (my favorite safe-feeling position).

When I yell at him three times in one day over something stupid, then come crawling back saying how sorry I am, he is quick to forgive and let go. He does not repay insults in kind, but with blessings.

He wants to show me how God loves me.

So you'll see my manly Dom holding me and reassuring me instead of getting sex. Yes, and you'll even find him telling me that's okay, and he doesn't want to have sex if it will hurt or frighten me.

Yep, ladies and gentlemen, here is a Dom who puts my needs first.

You'll see him hopping up from the couch to bring me more food or water because I'm tired and I've had a hard day, even though he has, too. You'll see him crawling out of our warm bed because I just realized I forgot to lock the door. You'll see him giving me a loving back massage every night because I am terribly prone to physical ailments like knots and tensions that cause me pain. And because I like them.

I used to worry that made me the Domme and him the sub, because he was serving. But then I realized, he may have been serving, but I wasn't leading. And for me to be the Domme, I'd have to play the leader to his servant. Instead, he was leading me--and sometimes, that meant serving me. I was just the lucky recipient of his ministrations---not because I'd asked for them, not because I deserved them, but because he wanted to take care of me, body and soul.

Sounds a bit like Jesus, doesn't it?

In the bedroom, he still leads. He is the one pulling hair, slapping faces, calling names, and giving commands. I am the one trembling in terrified ecstasy to see where he'll take me next. But even sexually, my Dom is giving. Just like in the other areas of our life, he wants me to be taken care of. Like a good Master, he takes care of the needs of his sub. And so normally, you'll see him going without sex if I need to be held instead. You won't see him pushing anal sex on me because he knows it makes me uncomfortable. If I start to look uncomfortable or if I safeword out of a scene, my Dom stops and holds me, which makes me realize once again how terribly concerned he is about my safety and wellbeing. Most of the time, he brings me to multiple orgasms and then holds me as we drift to sleep, never once complaining about blueballs or a lack of attention to his Domly Organ. Why? Because he knows I'm uncomfortable with sex, and particularly penises, after several bad experiences in my past. So he doesn't push me to service him, or even to touch him if I don't want it, knowing that to do so would just freak me out and send me right back to being a victim. At first, I thought he was just waiting patiently for me to "get over it" and give him some, but after months and months and months of this behavior, I've finally realized that he really is content just to make me happy.

He makes me happy by leading me, and he leads me by serving me.

And that, my friends, is the servanthood of a Master.

My Core: Journal Prompt for Submissives/Slaves

My Core

1. Your core is who you are. Who are you?

2. What makes you feel joy, pain, fear, excitement?

3. What part of you is most touched or healed by submission?

4. What part of you is most challenged or repulsed?

5. When you share your core with someone, in the right hands, it thrives. In the wrong hands, it withers. What makes your core thrive? What makes it wither?

6. What do you do, if anything, to keep tabs on your core, so that you may be growing and evolving, but not changing or compromising it for someone? What internal measuring sticks do you utilize to keep your inner being in tact while submitting, and how do you communicate it to your dominant/master/etc. if you feel you are being compromised?

7. Do you protect your core? Do you feel you need to? And if you do, what measures do you take to do so?

Codependency and BDSM

Many people feel that D/s relationships, especially Master/slave ones where a slave is completely emotionally, physically, and financially dependent on one person, are unhealthy and that ever-popular word, "codependent." We're not really sure what "codependent" means (even the psychiatrists aren't sure---they each have a different definition!), but we're sure it means not being independent enough and being too closely melded with one other person.

My question is, is that a bad thing?

I often worry that my relationship with my fiance (both vanilla and BDSM) is codependent.

Why do I worry about this? Because when I have strong feelings, such as jealousy, guilt, or a need for him to love me and only me, it is then followed by guilt telling me I'm codependent. Is this because I'm codependent? Or is it because a counselor once told me I was codependent? Does that make me MORE codependent? Hmmm.

Below are some questions I've taken from other sites, along with my own personal answers. Feel free to copy and paste these questions into your own blog or journal if you feel so inclined.

Codependency Questions:

• Am I sacrificing my identity, desires, or needs to make the other person feel good about themselves or to keep the peace? No, if anything I jump too quickly and vehemently to my own defense because I am so used to doing this in the past with my mother. It causes me to take NO crap from my Dom.
• Am I expecting my behavior to make me feel loved and or accepted? Yes. It seems unreasonable to me that someone would love me even if I were mean, nasty, negative, nagging, and did no nice things for them. So I do things to try to make him happy so he feels in love with me still.
• Am I trying to "manipulate" the other person to do or feel the way I think is appropriate? Sure, I will often fight with him, punish him, or give the silent treatment because I want him to feel or act a certain way. Isn't this what all fights are about---changing a person's actions/feelings because you don't agree with them?
• Am I being compliant with the other person's desires just to keep peace even when I don't agree or want to participate in the particular activity? Nope, never do this! lol
• Am I agreeing with the person so that I won't be rejected? Nope, never do this either!
• Is my happiness bound up in what the other person thinks about what I say or do? Absolutely. If my Dom weren't happy with a decision I made or something I said/did, I'd be crushed. I worry constantly about what he and other people think.
  
  From http://www.nmha.org/go/codependency
• 1. Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments? No, lol, I had enough of that in my childhood and have become quite the little fighter! I'm ferocious! (smiles)
• 2. Are you always worried about others’ opinions of you? Yes, I worry all the time about this. Even people I hate and am mad at, I worry if they might be mad at me. I worry about why people don't like me. I worry that my friends don't actually like me for who I am and just hang out with me from habit or because they feel sorry for me. I worry that my parents like my brother more and think he's better than me. I worry that people at work are judging me behind my back. When I try to make a new friend, I worry I'm anoying them by being too forward or pushy or talking about myself too much. With old friends, I worry I annoy them by calling too much or talking about my life too much. Even when my best friend doesn't call for a few days I worry I've made him mad or he no longer wants to be friends. But I don't tend to worry so much about my Dom's opinion of me, because I know he loves me no matter what.
• 3. Have you ever lived with someone with an alcohol or drug problem? No.
• 4. Have you ever lived with someone who hits or belittles you? Yes, my mother!
• 5. Are the opinions of others more important than your own? I try not to make them so, but sometimes they are. In my head I'll tell myself it's stupid, I shouldn't care about their opinion, and to screw it, but I keep worrying uncontrollably about it anyway. My head tries to stop it but my emotions take over.
• 6. Do you have difficulty adjusting to changes at work or home? Not sure what this means exactly...
• 7. Do you feel rejected when significant others spend time with friends? Yes. I feel very insecure and jealous when my Dom is with family or friends. I'm afraid if I don't have him under my watchful eye, he'll have more fun without me and stop needing me or realize I'm not as great as he thought before and I'll lose a part of his heart.
• 8. Do you doubt your ability to be who you want to be? I used to, but not anymore.
• 9. Are you uncomfortable expressing your true feelings to others? Not with my Dom, but with friends and family I worry that I will offend them if I need to say something negative. I still try to be strong and tell them, however.
• 10. Have you ever felt inadequate? Sure, who hasn't? Are they trying to say feeling occasionally inadequate makes someone codependent?!
• 11. Do you feel like a “bad person” when you make a mistake? It depends on the mistake. If it's a small mistake that has to do with forgetting to do something, no. But if it's a mistake that has to do with disappointing someone, yes!!! Getting bad evaluations or angering my Dom or anything where people are not happy with my performance makes me feel miserable, like a failure and an awful person.
• 12. Do you have difficulty taking compliments or gifts? No, I love them! :)
• 13. Do you feel humiliation when your child or spouse makes a mistake? Yes, when my Dom does something like make an awkward joke in public I feel very embarrassed by him.
• 14. Do you think people in your life would go downhill without your constant efforts? No, I think they are all mostly healthy, happy people! I used to surround myself with less healthy people, but not longer.
• 15. Do you frequently wish someone could help you get things done? No, my Dom does amazingly at this!
• 16. Do you have difficulty talking to people in authority, such as the police or your boss? Nope!
• 17. Are you confused about who you are or where you are going with your life? Well, I do tend to drift from job to job, but I know who I am with no problem. It is more what I want from life and where I'm going professionally that I'm not sure about.
• 18. Do you have trouble saying “no” when asked for help? I used to, and I still feel guilty, but now I'm great at saying "No!" to people when I don't want to do something---in fact, my mother would say I'm too independent and focused on pleasing myself!
• 19. Do you have trouble asking for help? Not from people I trust.
• 20. Do you have so many things going at once that you can’t do justice to any of them? No, I've become a good time manager and I keep myself from getting too overloaded.
  
  From http://www.allaboutlifechallenges.org/codependency.htm
• Do you find yourself making decisions based on other people's opinions? Often, yes. But I don't want to! It frustrates me that I can't tune out their opinions even when I WANT to. So for big things, such as my job or wedding planning, I often make the decision without asking opinions from my mom or someone else who I know I'll just let bowl me over.
• Is it important to you that people like you and want to be your friend? Absolutely! I want EVERYONE to like me! My Dom is not like this and is okay with the fact that some people don't like him, and I wish I could be like that, but I'm not.
• Do you have a strong desire to help others, but deep down you know you do it so that they will like or love you? Yes, I caught myself doing this the other day---I helped my good friend with her wedding stuff, but mostly it was because I was hurt she didn't pick me to be her maid of honor and I wanted to "prove" that I should be her maid of honor. However, I don't do this for my Dom---I know he loves me no matter what, which is why I'm often lazy and let him to the lion's share of cleaning, cooking, doing favors, shopping, and taking care of me. I know I don't have to be the Selfless, Giving Wonder with him and I can be my selfish, wants-to-be-pampered-for-once self and he'll still love me. I'm lucky!
• Do you seem to notice everyone else's problems and have a need to tell them what you think they should do to solve them? No, not so much. I certainly have opinions, and I'll give them once, but then I let the person make his own mistakes and stop pushing.
• Do you feel anxious, angry or upset when people don't do things you want them to do, or do things the way you want them to do them? Yes, of course! I put a lot of thought into the "right" way to do things, so once I have it figured out I feel my Dom should do it that way! :) I'm also pretty OCD so I feel stressed if things change or aren't done the "right" way or the way I expect.
• Do you find yourself in relationships where you do all the giving and the other person does all the taking? Not anymore.... those sucked!
• Are you involved in activities that demand all of your time and energy and you are neglecting your family or yourself? No, I put myself first and my family next and everything else comes after.

Interesting questions! :)

Age Play for Beginners

Age play is any sort of sexual fantasy where one (or both) of the partners acts or feels younger or older than they are. You might be surprised how common some age play fantasies are, such as:

• high school cheerleader and high school principal
• young virgin and experienced adult
• angry parent spanking a wayward child

These types of fantasies and sexual play are normal. Any time one person is acting younger, even if you don't necessary think of yourself as being a teenager or child, an age-ist element comes into play.

There is no right or wrong way to go about age play. You can decide to pick an age and act that way, or you can just get into the scene and decide later what age you felt and acted like.

My Dom and I often do scenes with a power exchange, so age play seemed logical for us. It's not a big leap from "boss and hapless secretary" to "cheerleader and principal." And from there, it's a smaller leap still to "little girl and Daddy."

Before we started the play, we never decided upon an age. He just told me to start calling him Daddy (months later, this is still sometimes embarrassing for me!) and I suddenly had an outlet for all those clingy, whiny, pouty emotions I so often used to hide. It felt great! It wasn't that I actually regressed to a younger age, but I was allowed through a BDSM scene to let loose some of those negative emotions I'd been longing to let go of, but that I'd kept inside because they are often considered young or immature in our society.

Age play doesn't have to just be about sex, of course. BDSM scenes can have sex, or not, depending on what you and your partner want. In this case, my Dom wanted me to feel safe and secure. He wanted to spoil me and pay attention to me and make me feel like a treasured princess the way I rarely did with my own parents. It wasn't about sex or having an orgasm at all---it was about healing the wounded child of my past.

To do this, he wanted to just pamper me and shower me with attention. If you think this might be good for you or your spouse, consider putting in an old childhood favorite movie, playing, cuddling, making cookie dough, or simply finger painting. These are all perfectly legitimate activities for an adult that nonetheless will also help you nurture your inner "child."

When I am feeling young, it's not that I actually feel that I've turned into a 10-year-old. It's just an outlet for my insecurities to come out and be reassured by a strong, parental figure. It's wonderful! I don't have to worry about being mature or acting like an "adult" all the time. I can go to my Dom with my fears and insecurities. I can whine, pout, or cry for no reason. And because I'm feeling so young and vulnerable, he can validate those emotions for me. Rather than treat me as an equal, he treats me as a vulnerable little girl. He cuddles me and holds me, reassures me, and calls me pet names. It's a great feeling where I'm allowed to let my inner demons out.

If you're interested in this, you might want to make sure that you and your spouse discuss how you want to approach age play. If you picture yourself being a vulnerable, needy 5-year-old and she sees you being a highly sexual 16-year-old, you might have a problem! Both of you can have your needs met, but it might be best to plan for two separate scenes.

For instance, I once asked my Dom, "When I act young.... how old do you think I am?"

I was afraid he saw our scenes in a completely different light. And I was right! He told me he saw me as somewhere around 12-13. I didn't say anything, but this worried me---because I was feeling about 6 or 7. He didn't ask how old I felt, so I didn't tell him. I did ask him tentatively how he felt about doing a scene with a younger age, and he told me that felt too weird---like being sexual with a child. But it was a good thing I asked, or we'd have had entirely different ideas!

Some adults will even go so far as to be babies. This specific type of age play is often seen as AB on BDSM websites and blogs (AB stands for Adult Babies). More on this later!

Whether you feel like a baby, toddler, child, teenager, college student, mommy, daddy, or babysitter, age play can be a great way to get in touch with a side of you that you don't often share with your partner. If it sounds like it might be fun, broach the subject with your spouse and see where it goes. No matter what, enjoy!

A Survey of Abuse and Mental Illness in BDSM

The more I've participated in the online BDSM community, the more intrigued I've become by the way many victims of abuse or mental illness seem to use BDSM as a way to heal and bond. It is as though BDSM activities give them a chance to re-play, re-act, and re-do terrible wrongs, and reimagine them in ways that are safer, healthier, and saner.

While I knew some people found strength and healing through their BDSM activities through their online posts, I wondered how prevelant this attitude was. I asked the members of Fetlife, an online community of kinksters, to take my online survey. In particular, I asked past victims of abuse or documented mental illness, especially submissive females. This survey in no way attempts to imply a relationship between abuse and BDSM (e.g., that all kinksters were abused as children) because such an inference is clearly stereotypical and over-generalized. In addition, a cursory glance at any BDSM community disproves this assumption. In fact, actual studies done (by scientists and doctors) on BDSMers indicate they tend to be emotionally healthy, and they come from more highly educated and professionally successful sections of the population than average. Those this survey does seek out those members of the BDSM community who also happen to be from abusive or troubled pasts, and ask them how--if at all--the world of BDSM has helped them cope and heal.

In a four-week period, 103 people took my online survey. Answers to individual questions are charted and discussed below.

94% of respondents were female and 6% were male. This refers to the original biological sex of respondents, not to orientation or gender.

The following shows the age breakdown of the respondents: As you can see, no one under 18 or over 65 responded to the survey. As for the nationality (see below), 71% were American, 13% Canadian, 1% Latino/Hispanic, 7% European, 1% African, 8% other, and 0% Middle Eastern or Asian.

How much education do you have? (Percentages are shown on the lower line.)

Were you abused as a child? 71% yes, 24% no, 5% unsure.If you were abused, what type of abuse was it? (More than one answer per person is possible.) Emotional abuse was the most preveland at 64%, sexual next at 55%, 37% physical.

If you were abused as a child, who abused you? The most common answer was one of the parents (father 47% and mother 41%) with acquaintance or extended family member the next two most common.

Were you abused as an adult? Interestingly, more respondents were abused as adults (over the age of 18) than as children, with 80% having been abused as adults (compared to 71% who were abused as children).

If you were abused, what type(s) of abuse did you encounter? Once again, emotional abuse was the most prevalent form of abuse for adults. This is interesting as it is much less documented in the media than sexual and physical abuse.

If you were abused, who abused you? For adults, far fewer were abused by a parent or extended family members, while the rate of abuse by strangers and coworkers/bosses rose. By far the most common type of abuse, however, was abuse from a significant other (58%) or spouse (35%).

At what age did you begin BDSM activities?

How would you describe your BDSM lifestyle?

How would you identify yourself? ("Top" is a broad, general term encompassing Masters, Doms, Mistresses, Dommes, Trainers, Daddies, Mommies, sadists, and more; "bottom" refers to their corresponding partners, and "switch" means you identify as both roles.)

If there is a power dynamic to your BDSM activities, which role or roles do you identify with? (Individual respondents could have checked more than one answer.)

Is there a power/control dynamic in your BDSM relationship?

Which BDSM activities do you most often engage in?

How would you describe your current BDSM relationship? (The first response truncated; it was "partnered for a lifetime.")

Do you believe past abuse made you more or less drawn to BDSM? This answer was a short essay, so there is no data available. Some said it made them more drawn to BDSM, such as being controlled, dominated, hit, hurt or raped. Some said it made them less drawn to BDSM, because the same activities reminded them too much of the abuse. Some said they were abused, but it had no effect whatsoever; they are entirely separate issues.

Have you been diagnosed with a mental disorder? 78% yes, 15% no, 8% I believe I have one, but have never been medically diagnosed. *Note: an official diagnosis by a certified professional is the only way to ascertain whether or not one suffers from a mental illness.

Have you been diagnosed with depression? 79% of people surveyed responded yes. This is interesting since only 78% said they had been diagnosed with a mental disorder, and depression is a specific type of mental disorder. Indeed it is the most common of all mental illnesses. The other two options were "no" or "I believe I am depressed but have not been medically diagnosed."

What conditions have you been medically diagnosed with? 72% depression, 43% anxiety disorder, 15% panic disorder, 14% bipolar disorder, 27% PTSD, 2% schizophrenia, 3% multiple personality disorder, 20% other. It is interesting 79% said they had been diagnosed with depression in the previous question, but only 72% had been diagnosed with it here. Also, please remember that mental disorders can often (but not always) be found together, so an individual respondent may have checked more than one diagnosed disorder. "Other" responses included Borderline Personality Disorder, OCD, ADHD, and GID. It should be noted ADHD is not a mental disorder but developmental disorder.

How would you say past abuses and disorders have affected your BDSM lifestyle? The scale given was 1-5, 1 being "not at all" and 5 being "a lot." As you can see, most people were fairly neutral in their responses. Many more people reported being completely unaffected by issues of abuse or mental illness than reported being affected by it a lot. In fact, only 9 of the 103 people surveyed said their past history affected their BDSM life "a lot" (under 10%, although up to 80% had been abused and up to 79% had some sort of mental disorder).

How much do you believe BDSM has allowed you to heal from past traumas? Again, most people surveyed said not at all or were fairly neutral; the least number of people reported it allowed them to heal a lot.

Results

In all, this study found some people who were drawn to BDSM after abuse and some who were repelled by it. Some said their BDSM experiences made it easier to heal and some said it had no effect at all. Some said they became tops after abuse or disorders and others became bottoms.

Like any other community, the BDSM community is eclectic, one of varied personalities, ages, cultures, backgrounds, and beliefs. This survey has proved nothing and claims nothing, but I hope you've found the information within interesting nonetheless. My sincere gratitude to the BDSM community members who participated in this survey.

Review: Female Ejaculation and the G-Spot

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