Media Watch Blog Attacks S&M

Media Watch Blog, a group dedicated to identifying and exposing hidden biases of discrimination, hate, or violence in the media and on the web, is now attacking BDSM lifestyles.

Honestly, I can understand where they get it. To the observer, BDSM can be scary--it's violent and often based on vast power imbalances that remind people of ancient days of slavery and women staying at home. But what is always clear about BDSM, in every site or book you read about it, is that BDSM is consensual and that both partners want it. Is Media Watch saying that adults who voluntarily relinquish power should not have the power to do so?

The article lists 10 "lies" about sadomasochism. I'm addressing some of them here.

Lie #1: Pain is Pleasure. The author claims that those who think "pain is pleasure" are enslaved by our culture's insistence that women demonstrate a love for others that is selfless and sometimes harmful to the woman. Well, obviously this author has never had an orgasm from being spanked or having her nipples pinched.

Lie #2: Sadomasochism is love and trust. This isn't a lie; healthy BDSM honestly takes a much higher level of trust for someone than a normal, equal-control marriage. The article points out (accurately) that there are many parallels between BDSM and cults, rape, and sexual assault. This is true, but BDSM is safe, consenual, and used with safewords. Power exchanges in BDSM are used for the enjoyment and betterment of both partners; this is never the case in rape.

Sadomasochism has to do with annihilation. Contrary to the popular legend that sadomasochism expands one’s sexuality, I believe that it restricts and ultimately destroys one’s sexual being. Subordination, humiliation , and torture are all means of deliberately destroying the self.

I have two problems with this statement. First, my experience with S&M is not one of annihilation. My husband does not seek to "destroy" my sense of self, but to encourage me to bare and accept the darker, scarier aspects of my sexuality. If I hadn't been abused when I was younger, maybe I wouldn't be drawn to BDSM, but I am, and this allows me to enjoy sex in a way that makes sense to me.

Lie #3: Sadomasochism is not racist and anti Semitic even though we “act” like slave owners and enslaved Africans, Nazis and persecuted Jews.
Okay, this one is weird to me. I've heard of BDSMers acting like parents, bosses, masters, lovers, and rapists, but I've never heard of any M/s relationships that compared themselves to enslaved Africans or Nazis and Jews. Africans were enslaved involuntarily; they did not put out personal ads on kinky websites asking to find a Master to match their true submissive natures. The Nazis were a group that hated the Jews and so tried to kill them; Masters love their slaves and so try to lead them.

Lie #4: Sadomasochism is consensual; no one gets hurt if they don’t want to get hurt. No one has died from sadomasochistic “scenes.”

Is it ever OK to consent to one’s own humiliation and victimization? I do not
think so.

Wait. A feminist who thinks females should NOT be allowed to choose their own preferences and sexual expression? How original. (::rolls eyes::) And yes, of course people have died from these scenes; I've never heard anyone claim otherwise. BDSM is dangerous; that's why we bloggers and teachers scream "Safewords!" and "Safety First!" Deaths and injury have occured. I've written about these topics myself.


Lie #9: Reenacting abuse heals abuse. Sadomasochism heals emotional wounds from childhood sexual assault.

A greater percentage of women “into sadomasochism” have histories of childhood sexual assault, than those women who do not participate in sadomasochism. However, sadomasochism obscures the real pain and abuse of women...Sadomasochism is a repetition, not a healing, of childhood sexual assault. Some have suggested that sadomasochism can actually be physiologically addictive.

Yes, I've heard that women with histories of assault are more likely to end up in the BDSM community. I've actually conducted a survey on BDSM and abuse with similar findings. However, there are many men and women in the community with no history of abuse. Whether a woman is healing or simply repeating her learned helplessness, if she is with a loving, permanent partner who allows her to enjoy sexuality the way she wants to, can this be wrong? Sure, I find it likely that my past experiences with nonconsenual power exchange, emotional abuse, and sexually manipulative men shaped me into a woman who enjoys being sexually submissive. So? My husband knows this and is careful with me. He is willing to do what feels "right" to me, no matter what society thinks. When I safeword, there has never been an instance where he did not stop immediately. In fact, even with past boyfriends, if I safeworded or indicated I was ready to stop, there has never been a time a man did not immediately respect my wish.


In all honesty, I think it's good that there are people out there writing thoughtful, well-documented articles against BDSM. With all the good and not-so-good BDSM resources out there, it's easy for newbies or wanna-bes to fall into BDSM and fancy themselves the World's Next Great Master or the Twoo Submissive Searching for Love. It's important for us to realize that yes, there are people who abuse BDSM and use it for violence, abuse, slavery, racism, and other bad things. I'm honestly glad someone pointed it out. But to pretend like that's all BDSM is? That's an obvious lie.

Wait, maybe we could add that to Media Watch's list!

Lie #11: Sadomasochism is harmful for its adherents.

Basic Online Safety for Kinksters

Today, I went through all my online profiles and removed identifying information and photos of myself. Whether you have an account with a blog, Fetlife, Facebook, Twitter, CollarMe, or any other of the many kinky sites out there, I'm sure you have some info that you don't want your mother or your boss to see. Are you being safe in your online explorations?

There are some kinksters who can openly put up photos of themselves, their names, and information about their lives. These are often kinksters who have already "come out" to their friends or family, are visibly active in their local BDSM community, or are full-time slaves who do not work out of the home. For them, that's great.

For the rest of us, basic safety on the internet is needed.

• No photos of your face (or the rest of your body that could be identifiable)


• No using your full name or giving out your location, address, or workplace


• No using identifiable information about yourself, including pets, hobbies, and activities.


• Don't link your vanilla profiles to your kinky ones (i.e. Facebook with Fetlife). Use a different email and password for all your kinky profiles than you use for your vanilla ones.

Protect yourself!

Of course, I understand you want to share your kinky pictures, or even just show a nonsexual picture of yourself on Fetlife or CollarMe, so people can see what you look like. I've done the same myself. However, even a non-kinky photo of you on a Fetlife profile can let an angry ex or coworker know who you are. You don't want to explain your BDSM profile to your boss, do you? Believe me, it's happened.

Sometimes, family members find blogs, like what happened to Lexi. Even if your family does not know about your kinky lifestyle, you can bet your mother will still recognize those photos of you with your head covered and your arms bound, or your writing style, or your age and location. It doesn't take too much to put 2 and 2 together. And, sadly, I know of many cases where an ex-spouse brought to court their partner's "alternative lifestyle" to prove they are unfit to raise children and get sole custody. Unless you want your juicy sex-life details spilled at your next family reunion, anonymously emailed to your boss, or dragged into court, you need to protect your information.

I know that some BDSM bloggers, like Clarisse Thorn, advocate an eventual move to where kinkiness is no longer something we hide behind with psuedonyms and stock photos (I love my stock photo, by the way). However, even Clarisse writes under a psuedonym for now. I hate lying, so I generally don't put any false information about myself on the web (like some kinksters who say they're from Alaska or Antartica to keep their locations secret) and if I'm honest, I can admit that I prefer to look at profiles with photos. A guy on Fetlife once accused me of being a "fake" because I "didn't even have the courage to show [my] face," so I put up several pics. I'm not ashamed of who I am, but blogs like GrayLily and Lexi's make me cautious. With all the myths about BDSM out there, being involved in this lifestyle could get you fired or disinherited or make you lose custody of your children.

Please, unless you really have nothing to lose, be careful online.

How to Tell When Your Sub Has Had Too Much

When you are the Dom, top, Mistress, Mommy, or Trainer in a relationship, you are in charge of your sub's safety and wellbeing. It is your happy job to push them to and past their limits, but just far enough that at the end, they collapse in relief and thank you later. When my Dom does this, we both note how he'll have a happy sub for days! I walk around dreamily, wanting to be close to him, complimenting his hard work in our scene, and generally feeling at peace with my world.

It's one of the only times I feel that peace.

But how do you tell when your sub is pushing his limits in a good way and when he is reaching his limits in a bad way?

Of course, the safeword is essential. But you can't always rely on it. Sometimes as a sub, I get too emotional, too wrapped up in my own head, too incoherent, too embarrassed, or simply too stubborn to admit when I'm reaching the end of my rope. I don't want to admit I might have human weaknesses, I don't want to make him feel bad for whatever he's doing, and so I don't safeword.

Luckily, there are other ways to tell when your sub is reaching his limits.

If you think your sub might be unwilling to safeword for whatever reason, a good idea is to ask him verbally. Make sure you get a verbal response in return.

Here's why. Sometimes my Dom will notice I'm seeming to get scared and withdrawn in a bad way. Even though I haven't safeworded, he'll back off and ask me sincerely, "Are you all right?" or "Is anything wrong?" And of course, although I know it's ridiculous, I'm too embarrassed and prideful to admit anything is wrong, so I just nod my head that everything is fine. This is why you must get a verbal response! And there's another reason. A sub in subspace is feeling floaty and emotional, and so even verbose, non-stop talkers like me will get incoherent and dreamy. Questions that would normally get a full paragraph answer from me, during scenes will just illicit a dreamy "Mmmm-hmmm." So if you think your sub might be reaching a bad place, mentally or physically, you must make him come out of subspace enough to answer you with words. "Yes, I am fine," or "Please keep going" are short and simple, but effective. Insist on a worded answer to your inquiries about his emotional and physical health during your scene.

Another way to tell is by the sounds and body language of your sub. Sure, even in a scene that's going great, your sub might be screaming "Nooo!" and pushing you away, or looking at you in wide-eyed fright, but a happy sub will still be moaning, biting his lip, and looking all sorts of turned on. If you back away, the sub will reach out for you and look disappointed, or maybe watch you, hoping for more. A sub who is getting genuinely scared or hurt will tense up and "freeze" and start to sound panicked as they scream or beg. In this case, when you back up you will get no response or indication they want you to keep going. It's time to pause and check to see what went wrong!

A sub who's had too much physically, even while enjoying the scene immensely, will show some physical symptoms. My Dom often knows before I do when I am reaching my physical limits, even when I am truly enjoying a scene. He says my body language will change, and my body will start to look tired. One key he looks for is when muscles start quivering. As an Army sargeant, he says he can tell when his soldiers are starting to reach the end of their physical endurance because they will slow, and their arms or legs will shake--signs the body is straining to keep up. In a scene last week, he tied me to the door and hit me repeatedly with a slapper, and eventually he said he saw my legs starting to quiver. Although I was not even aware of it, he could tell my body was reaching its limits and it was time to move on to an activity that was a little less stressful on my body.

Of course, if you have questions about your sub's endurance, ask! You'll find that you'll learn more as you play together, and begin to recognize the signs. You'll also learn from your mistakes, and that just helps you grow into a better and more experienced Dom. Enjoy the learning experience!

Is a Submissive Just a Doormat?

A lot of people hear the words "BDSM" and immediately think it's a fancy name for an abusive relationship. They figure the man must just want an excuse to have everything he wants, while the woman probably spends her time cringing in fear and serving him. In other words, the sub is the Dom's doormat.

How is a sub different from a doormat?

I believe the two are very different. A submissive differs from an abused person or a doormat in many ways. These include choice, control, work, limits, and safety.

1. Choice. For one, a submissive is there by choice; an abused woman (or man) is not. BDSM may look like emotional or physical abuse, but the difference is that BDSM is consenual and abuse is never consensual. The sub and Dom decide together how much, when, and what kinds of emotional and physical pain they would like to experiment with; an abused person has no such control.
2. Control. A sub has control over her own mind, body, and soul. If she voluntarily chooses to give that control to the Dom, that is in her control, too. A sub can use safewords, soft limits, and hard limits to make sure BDSM never goes beyond what she is comfortable with. A good Dom respects and upholds this. A doormat has no control, because others take it from her; a sub has much control and she chooses to share it.
3. Work. Being a doormat does not take any work, but a BDSM power dynamic does! The Dom has to work hard to protect the sub, to give the sub what she needs while getting what he needs, and to keep the play safe, sane, and consensual. The sub has to work at communicating her wants and needs to the Dom, choosing to be obedient even when it's hard, and having her limits uncomfortably pushed so she can grow. Both roles take lots of inner strength!
4. Limits. A doormat is someone who just takes whatever other people dish out; a sub has limits. A sub has a safeword (or safe action, if she is gagged) that means the Dom will stop immediately if she uses it. A sub also has soft limits (things she does not really want to try but is open to) and hard limits (things she absolutely will not try) that the Dom is morally bound to respect. Safe words and limits ensure a sub has control over how much she can take.
5. Safety. A doormat is basically a person who accepts physical and emotional abuse, but a good sub will never give her control to anyone but a Dom she loves and trusts absolutely. This makes sure she is safe--spiritually, emotionally, physically, and mentally--during play. Both the Dom and the sub are worried about the sub's safety in BDSM, whereas people abusing a doormat are not.

The BDSMer's Bedside Kit

BDSM Bedside Kit

1 box disinfectant baby wipes (to wipe skin and hands after play)

1 small towel (to mop up messes)

1 large towel (to place on soaked bedding)

6 bottles of water (for parched throats)

1 bottle painkiller (for aching muscles)

1 package extra-large ziplock baggies (to keep used toys after use)

1 knife (for removing bondage)

2 pairs sharpened scissors (for removing bondage)

1 bottle aloe vera (for soothing burns and bruises)

1 bottle vitamin E cream (for bruised skin)

1 cooling pack (to reduce swelling and bruises)

1 tube antibacterial cream (for treating cuts and punctures)

1 box multi-sized bandages or bandaids (for covering cuts)

1 set comfy pajamas for each player (to change into)

Tragic BDSM Accident Leads to 2 Deaths

This story is so sad I thought I'd share.

In a powerful reminder that those of us who play with BDSM play with fire, two members of the Philadelphia BDSM community have died this week. It seems Goeke, a 37-year-old man, accidentally killed his girlfriend during consenual sex. How? They were playing with asphyxiation.

Goeke strangled his girlfriend, and a few days later committed suicide by jumping off a bridge. His suicide note apologized for the tragedy. Police have confirmed the marks on the woman's body are consistent with accidental asphyxiation (not murder).

BDSM is playing with fire. Like fire, BDSM has many positive uses. We can use it for fun, for healing, for enjoyment, for catharsis, for intesity, for release, for orgasm. But like fire, you have to be safe.

My Dom and I play with light asphyxiation. He will often use his hand to block some (not all) of my airflow. For me, this leads to a few tantalizing seconds of shock, fear, and adrenaline rush. The subsequnt gasp of air feels oh-so-sweet! He loves to see my eyes bulge in fear as I struggle to catch a full breath. We never use anything but his hand (no ropes, no chains, no cloth) to strangle me so he can remove it immediately, and we only do it lightly (a second or two, not 10 or 20 or 60). It is enough to be light and kinky, but not enough to put me in danger of unconsciousness or death.

Obviously, since I engage in a little fun asphyxiation play from time to time, I'm not here to stand on a soapbox and tell you how to live your BDSM lifestyle. Your kink is your own, and if it weren't considered "weird" or "dangerous" by the vanilla world it wouldn't be called kink. I will, however, point to this Philadelphia story and remind you: Safety first!

Play hard, play fun... but play safely.

Please keep these two unfortunate BDSMers, their families, and their community in your thoughts and prayers.

Abduction + Rape Play

If you want to be ready for a rape play + abduction scene (that is, any rape play that does not take place in your own home!), a good idea is to prepare beforehand. The more planning and preparation goes into this, the smoother your scene will go. You can even have a to-go kit for later. Some people believe having a "Rape Play To-Go Kit" ruins the spontaneity, but your partner never even has to know it's there... you can keep it hidden in the trunk of your car, for example.
Many people have fantasies about doing rape play with an abduction element. This is because a new background and props can make it seem more real. Being "raped" by my husband in the comfort of your own bedroom is perfectly fine for me (I like the mental aspects of rape), but many other subs and Doms who rely more heavily on the physical aspects of scene to get into their roles need the location, setting, props, and overall "feel" to be more realistic. If you feel that "playing rape" just feels hollow and fake in your own bedroom, try setting the mood somewhere else: a bar, an alley (it's illegal to have sex in public, so make it private!), a hotel room, your car, or a deserted park or forest can work wonders for making the scene feel more real!

To make rape play even more realistic, many people enjoy setting it all up with an "abduction scene." Doms can surprise their subs at work, out shopping, in a parking lot, at a bar or club, at a party, or even at home. Kidnap them (making sure worried bystanders don't see and accidentally call the police on you!), bind and gag them, and force them into a car. If they don't know when or how this is happening, it makes it feel all the more realistic for them---just make sure you get consent sometime before.

One idea is to surprise the sub and force them into a car. A (blunt) knife or just physical force can make this feel scary and real, even if they know it is you. Bind and gag them, throw them into the backseat and cover them with a blanket, and drive them to an undisclosed location. The stranger the surroundings are to your sub, the scarier and more realistic it will be, so try to find a place far from home or where the sub has never been and won't recognize her surroundings. (This may be the only time you want to try a seedy hotel!)

If you don't want your sub to know it's you, you can always wear a ski mask. You can even "rape" your sub in your own home this way--I've found that, when the smell and feel of my lover is off, I can't recognize him at all at first. Your sub is going to know the way you feel, smell, breathe, and speak. You can throw her off by changing these things. For instance, shower with a completely different soap and shampoo, wear clothes that are new or have been laundered in a different laundry soap, and wear gloves to mask the feel of your skin. Wear an aftershave, cologne, or mouthwash completely different from what you'd normally ever wear. Slouch and try to walk faster or heavier than you normally do. If your sub can't see you (e.g. if you come in through a window, walk up behind her, and grab her), it is going to take her a while to recognize you. Why? We subconsciously know our lovers by their height, build, touch, and smell. A high school boyfriend of mine once came up behind me and grabbed me in a tight hug. He was wearing his friend's cologne and mouthspray at the time, and I was terrified. It took me several seconds (until he spoke) to figure out who had grabbed me. Until that moment, I never realized how much we subconsciously rely on smell and the sound of voice to recognize people! If you change your smell and feel, and keep from talking or being seen, you can terrifying your sub into real submission for several moments. Of course, eventually you want her to realize it's you, so you don't scar her emotionally and so she can utilize her safeword if she needs to.

Another idea some people use to make abduction and rape seem more real is to pretend to use date-rape drugs. I say pretend, because actual date rape drugs are illegal and therefore not moderated by any governmental regulations and highly dangerous. (I'm serious--common effects of date rape drugs include permanent infertility, coma, dangerously heightened or lowered blood pressure, nausea, slowed heart rate, dizziness, inability to speak, seizure, heart failure, and death.) However, you can pretend to get this effect by using sugar water on a cloth (to mimic chloroform) to make your victim "pass out," using tic-tacs or other pill-shaped candies, or whatever the two of you decide to make it "pretending" but still hot. You could also waking her up from deep sleep to get that groggy, out-of-it feeling. I have heard of people using drugs--from NyQuil to muscle relaxers to Ecstasy to alcohol to prescription sleep-inducing drugs. I will say, though, that it is illegal to use legal drugs for this purpose and illegal to use illegal drugs, period. You could go to jail for rape because all these drugs take away a person's ability or desire to think clearly and say no. You could also be convicted of murder if something goes wrong and your sub dies, leaving you pleading with a judge that the drugs, rape, and murder were "consensual."

More practically, how can your sub use a safeword or tell you when something is really wrong if she is not fully conscious? Also, before you try anything, you must do research on side effects, allergies, etc. If you simply must try these methods, do your research, have both of you sign a consent form, and think. Have a phone and first-aid kit handy. Learn how to do CPR. Any drugs that inhibit circulation (like alcohol!) should never be used with bondage or uncomfortable positions. Find out if any substances will react with pre-existing conditions your sub has (low blood pressure, heart problems, diabetes, etc.) and how they will react with medications your sub takes (herbs, vitamins, prescription meds, birth control, everything!) Honestly, it is dangerous to play with BDSM when one person is not capable of giving full consent, but before you try anything, you must do your research! In all, it is less work and safer to stick with pretending...

...Back to ideas for rape and abduction! :)

If you really want to freak out your sub, another idea is to have friends or coworkers she doesn't know kidnap her for you. (Get consent before---several months or weeks before, so she's not expecting it!) Of course, for this you need to have some seriously dedicated buddies who are understanding of your kink lifestyle. Make it very clear they are not to hurt her or sexually touch her in any way, and watch from afar to make sure she is safe. You can even be in the car once she is blindfolded; as long as you don't talk and your friends do, she will never know you're there.

Note: if you don't have any friends this close, or she would recognize their voices and scents, you can try having local BDSMers help you out. Make sure you work with people you trust.

Once your friends get her to the hotel room or abandoned woods or whatever, have them threateningly tell her they are going to strip her off and fuck her mercilessly. Then have them leave you to your wicked ways! As long as you don't speak or give yourself away, you can savagely rip off her clothes and rape her, even leaving and pretending to be many people. If your sub is blindfolded and tied, it will feel incredibly real to her!

Of course, if you are going to have your friends abduct your sub, be smart about it. Get her consent first, and write out that you are her husband, what you are doing and why, and sign it so your friends don't get arrested by some cop who misunderstands the situation.

To remember this event later, you can secretly put up a video camera so you and your sub can watch the whole thing later. Another good idea is to play loud, unfamiliar music or have some other noise (a tv, your friends in the other room talking loudly, a tape of your friends pretending to egg you on as you rape her, etc.) so she is less likely to recognize your breathing. If you are playing multiple people, use different scents, different textured clothes, handle her differently (as though you were multiple people getting off on her misery in different ways), use a condom, use different toys, and do different things to her (maybe one is an anal fiend, the other obsessed with her breasts, and another wants to rub his dick all over her before he fucks her). Changing gloves, having shirts of very different textures with different scents (sweat in one, leave some in different people's houses for a few weeks, spray them with different colognes, etc.), and changing gum or mouthwash between "characters" will make it seem real.

Of course, before you traumatize your sub, make sure she wants to be raped and get her consent. Find out what makes her turned on, and if this isn't it, don't do it!





If you want to try abducting her--whether it's as simple as you meeting her at a bar and telling her to get her ass in your car or a complex scenario involving props and other people--it is also a good idea to have a to-go kit ready.

Some ideas for a to-go kit that will make your sub's life easier when she gets to return to real life are listed below. Of course, if you just want her to ride home, bound and gagged in the backseat of your car, that's okay, too!



Abduction/Rape To-Go Kit for the Hapless Sub:

• any lingerie or slutty clothes you want to force them to wear during the scene




• extra change of comfy clothes: shirt, bra, panties, jeans, socks, sneakers




• hair brush and ponytail holder




• deodorant




• makeup




• toothbrush and toothpaste




• any medications your sub takes




• contact solution, contact holders, and glasses
  

Abduction/Rape To-Go Kit for the Wicked Dom(me):

• condoms (in different textures and brands if you are playing more than one character)\




• lube




• sex toys, if desired




• paddles, whips, and floggers, if desired




• rope or handcuffs




• duct tape




• blindfold




• gag




• first aid kit




• emergency first-aid scissors




• hotel reservations, if needed




• ski mask




• blanket for backseat of your car




• map to wherever you're going

Also, if you are going to put this much work and planning into a rape scene to make your sub's fantasies come true (go you!), take some time to think about what you want out of these scene. Do you want her to know it's you or not? Will you find it sexier if she struggles, screams, and runs, or if she goes limp and does not resist? If she is honestly terrified for her life, crying and pleading, is that going to turn you on or make you feel guilty and be a huge turn-off? Would you rather have a sub who fights and screams the whole time, one who eventually stops struggling and goes limp, or one whose body betrays her by getting wet and sticky even as you rape her?

Whatever it is you want and need out of this scene, you need to communicate with your sub to get it. It is highly unlikely your sub will just magically happen to respond the way you're dreaming she will. Some women fight, some scream, some go limp, and others urge you to fuck them harder. Whichever one you want, have some conversations with your sub beforehand. Mention rape fantasies and tell her what you find sexy about these scenes. Share your dreams and what happens in your personal fantasies: what is happening? how does your victim react? what does she do? Does she say anything in particular? This way, both you and your sub leave happy and fulfilled from the experience.

*Note: you must get consent beforehand for all rape play activities.

**Note: rape play is a type of BDSM activity where consenting adult partners agree to pretend to rape/be raped. This is completely different from actual rape, which is a crime, a sin, and morally reprehensible.

Safe Actions

A hot part of BDSM scenes is tying, gagging, and blindfolding your helpless victim and having your wicked way with her. But if your little sub is gagged or unable to speak, how can she safeword? She can't. In these instances, a "safe action" is required.

Safe actions are just what they sound like: a signal to the Dom that something is wrong or that play needs to pause or stop.

If your sub is gagged, a common safe action is the ball-drop method. You give your sub a ball to hold and squeeze. If she needs to stop the scene, she drops the ball. You stop and untie/ungag her immediately.

Another option is to have the sub hum through the gag. If they are not blindfolded, blinking or winking at you will work. A simple hand signal will work as well.

Come up with your safe action, and agree on it before you start play. This way, everyone stays safe and happy! Good luck and happy playing!

More on Safe Words

Safewords (and safe actions, if you're gagged) are so important I believe an occasional blog update is in order.

There is a minority in the BDSM community that believes safewords give a sub too much control, and should not be used. I believe this is highly dangerous; it relies too much on a Dom's interpretation of the sub. Safety in BDSM takes both people: the Dom watching vigilantly, and the sub using a safe word.

Most people use a simple safeword that wouldn't come up in scene. These are words like aardvark, red, Xerox, Shamu, or other quirky words that simply won't come up! This way your Dom clearly knows you need to stop.

But the BDSM community has developed new modes of safety that are more complex and sophisticated than just one word. This is what I will discuss today.

One example of a more complex safeword system is the stoplight. Green means you are perfectly fine, yellow means slow down a bit, and red means stop now.

I also like a color-coded set of safewords. As a sub, I can attest that there are times in scene my needs are more than just "slow down" or "stop." In this case, you can use a color system, building off the stoplight codes. Blue, for instance, might mean "I need care, nurturing, and comfort" right now. Your lover does not need to stop or slow down, but you are feeling needy and want the general tone of the scene to change. Orange can mean, "Speed up! Go faster and harder. Hurt me!" and black can mean, "Start talking dirty to me and treating me like crap, please, Sir or Ma'am." Sometimes I love for my Dom to call me nasty, terrible names, and sometimes in the same situation I need him to just cuddle me and love me! There is no way he can know my needs in these situations unless I clearly communicate it to him. Sometimes my needs even change mid-scene! For instance, during phone sex once, I needed dirty talk and namecalling to get me turned on. Once I was turned on, however, my needs suddenly changed and I felt vulnerable, needy, and sad. In this case, rather than safewording and stopping the scene, I could have just used blue and my needs would have been met.

Another idea for those who feel slightly foolish shouting "Aardvark!" or "Black, please," is to use your Dom's name. I know I often feel too foolish to say my safeword, or I want to prove how tough I am, and I won't use my safeword. But it is easier to use his name. A first name can mean "slow down, back off a bit" and a full name means "Stop now!" Especially if, during sex, you usually call your Dom baby, Mistress, Mommy, Daddy, or Master, using his or her real name will be an automatic signal that something needs to change a bit so your needs are properly met.

Some subs disagree with me, but I also feel that just pausing the scene for a bit is fine. Others think that this is too fake, or it interrupts the "flow" of play, but I haven't found that. A past partner and I practiced this. He would be deep in the role of mean, terrible rapist or sadist, and I would be thrashing about, whimpering, and pleading with him to stop. Then suddenly, he would stop, look down at me, and ask quietly, "Really?" or "Are you okay?" I would pause in my role of tormented victim, make eye contact, and say, "No, not really!" or "I'm good!" and then we would go right back to beating or raping or fucking or whatever that scene called for. No harm done!

And finally, Doms and Dommes need to be watchful. Many subs won't or can't use safewords in really wild scenes, so you need to watch your sub. The longer you play with the same person, the easier this will get. For instance, I start to make myself small, curl up, and get plaintive and whiny when my needs aren't being met. My Dom is slowly starting to realize this means he needs to switch from "Master" to "Daddy" personae and comfort me. As you play with your partner more and more, this will get easier to read, and scenes will be physically and emotionally safer for both of you.

Bondage, Hooks, and Chains, Oh My!

Bondage is a sexy part of BDSM. Want some cool, creative ideas for how to tie up your lover without going back to Boy Scout basic training to learn to tie knots?

First, try sturdy plant hooks or other hooks from the hardware store. Make sure they can hold enough weight that they won't dislodge when your partner struggles! (If your partner is a 130-lb. female, this will be easier than if he is a 200-lb. muscle builder!) These are great ideas because once you have installed them with a simple drill, they just look like empty plant hooks when the in-laws come over. Likewise, hooks installed into the wall or near the floor can easily be installed behind a door or near a bed so guests won't ever see them.

Once you have these hooks installed, all you need is a pair of handcuffs and some rope or chain! Want a sexy idea? Have your partner get a piercing, or use one he already has. A small chain can easily clip to a small piercing on one end and the hooks in the wall or ceiling on the other. The ideas here are limitless! Here are some ideas:

• nose hooked to ring in ceiling or wall
• ear hooked to ring in ceiling
• lip or tongue hooked to ring in ceiling
• belly button hooked to ring in ceiling
• clit or cock hooked to ring in wall
• clit hooked to a chain held in your hand and pulled lightly when they disobey!
• nose or nipples hooked to chain held in your hand; you pull them around like an animal or slave
• nipples hooked to cock or clit

There are few ways your sub is going to feel more terrified, humiliated, and afraid to move than when she is handcuffed, and she is chained by her clit to the wall! While the actual bondage is very small, it is an incredibly vulnerable and humiliating position. If you handcuff her hands behind her back so she can't reach the chain, and place her as far from the wall as the hook will allow, she will be afraid to move at all! This kind of mental control is great. You can enjoy the view for hours, or even take pictures of your unwilling model to look at and enjoy later!

To be an especially fun and evil Dom, whip or paddle your sub in this position. If they move to avoid the blows, they hurt their nipples or clit (or wherever the chain is attached!). If they do not move, they receive the full brunt of your beating. Ahhhh, decisions! You can watch the terror and fear as your sub wrestles with two terrible decisions, trying to decide which will bring the least pain.

Another deliciously wicked idea is to bind your sub in an uncomfortable position. For example, tie her hands above her head and attach her to a hook in the ceiling, at just the right height so she can stand, but cannot comfortably put her feet all the way down. The pain and discomfort will heighten her humiliation and break her more easily. Or, attach his nipples to the wall, and his tongue or cock to a chain you hold in your hand. When you pull the chain, he will have to follow the movement, which will pull and hurt his nipples!

There are also hooks made especially for bondage. These hooks are sturdy and thick for internal insertion. They have a loop at the end so you can easily attach a chain or rope. Below are some hooks that can be inserted in the pussy, ass, nose, or mouth.

A great idea is also to buy or make some thigh cuffs. This pictures shows a commercial pair, but you can easily do this with rope, scarves, or belts. Be creative! Tie your sub's ankles and thighs together so they cannot stand or move away as you torture and enter them. Or, tie your sub's thighs and wrists together behind their back so they cannot fight back or defend themselves against your evil antics.

Bondage is fun, but some safety rules are in order: bondage can also be dangerous. Don't ever leave a bound person unattended. If you want the sub to think he is unattended, still be watching in secret. Have a safe word (or safe action, if the sub is gagged) so she can tell you if you need to abort play. Come in often and simply ask the sub if he is okay; he can nod or shake his head. For rope and tape, invest in a pair of emergency shears (shown in the picture); these are great for bondage and rape play because they allow you to quickly cut away clothing and bondage without cutting the victim. Also, don't leave a victim in the same position for more than an hour; change every so often so circulation stays healthy. Many people faint during bondage, so be prepared to quickly cut loose your sub in an emergency; offer small snacks if he gets faint. When bound, watch for changes in skin color: skin that is turning pink, white, or purple is getting too much or too little blood, and you need to loosen the bondage. Also, feel your sub's hands and feet every once in a while. If the extremities are getting cold or clammy, the bondage may be stopping blood flow or pinching a nerve.

And just for the sake of your sub's comfort, remember that a person who is sitting still and bound is going to get very cold. You are probably clothed, walking around, or working up a sweat by hitting or acosting your sub, and you may not feel this! Your naked, bound sub will. Feel his face, feet, and hands, and keep the heat up so a naked person can still feel comfortable.

If you get off on the idea of seeing your sub sitting spread-eagled, handcuffed and gagged, looking up at you with pleading eyes while her spread-open clit is spread to the wall, try it out! If you love the cruel feeling of power you get when you yank your sub around by his nose or cock, get him pierced and go to town! The ideas are limitless, and the evil is only limited by your imagination... *enter maniacal laughter here*...

Using Food During Sex

Food is often considered a sexy, kinky addition to sex. While there is nothing wrong with this, using food the wrong way can be dangerous. Here's our guide on when and how to use food in the bedroom.

A good general rule for sex is: No insertion! This makes some people sad, as some people have an obsession with finding kinky foods to stick up places it shouldn't go. Common examples are phallic objects like bananas and cucumbers; ginger for "figging"; or irritants like alcohol, wasabi, hot sauce, pepper sauce, and other spicy/stingy foods for pain play.

The problem with inserting food into a vagina, anus, or penis is that these are all mucous membranes. This means they are highly sensitive and absorb chemicals quickly. It is also nearly impossible to get all the food remnants out later, no matter how well you wash. Somewhere warm and moist like a vagina will find any molecules of food left over and harmful bacteria will begin to grow, making you incredibly sick. And water often just spreads the food around.

Sugar is a favorite kinky food (fruits, dips, desserts, champagne, and other sweets!), but it particularly dangerous. The natural, healthy bacteria inside a vagina will feed off the sugar and grow exponentially, resulting in painful yeast infections, urinary tract infections, or bladder infections. Not only are all these illnesses incredibly painful, but they require professional medical treatment, medication, and weeks of pain and no sex to heal.

If you want to use food up your read end, generally the more natural a product is, the less it can hurt you. So processed or man-made foods are out (like alcohol). Natural foods like peppers or ginger can be used, but be warned--the linings of the anus are delicate and will absorb the chemicals fast! In other words, it will hurt. :) Also, you can damage, tear, or inflame the tissue, causing rectal bleeding after sex or when you poop. Sometimes you can cause a rash or deaden the nerve endings. Just be cautious about inserting anything into your body other than a clean, washed body part or sex toy.

But cheer up: this doesn't mean food play is out. You can use food all over the body for foreplay, as long as you take care not to get it in the blody! Edible syrup, chocolte syrup, and sweet fruits can be safely used on the stomach, breasts, legs, and buttocks--anywhere covered with skin, with no openings into the body. Also, you can generally lick food off the outside of your genitals, so long as you avoid getting it inside.

If sex just doesn't seem as like "sex" without some sort of insertion, try pairing food in one spot with insertion in another. You can lick syrup off nipples while holding a vibrator inside your lover or stimulating her clit and G-spot with one hand. Or have her lie face-down or kneel doggie-style and sensually nibble fruit off her back while giving her some light anal fingering with the other hand.

Some sexy ideas: strawberries and champagne, a selection of sweet fruits to feed each other, whipped cream, chocolate syrup, fruit dip (one of my favorites!), or chocolate fondue. Take turns dipping fruit into the fondu or chilled dip, then feeding each other and trailing the food across the other's skin, then licking it off. And a tip about licking: it feels better when you keep it small and light, touching the body with only a small part of your tongue (such as the tip). Lots of slobber or a full, large lick isn't sexy.

In my experience, honey and ice cream can get sticky, so put a tarp under you and head to the shower after play. Anything with sugar in it (including fruits, which have natural sugars) gets sticky, so a tarp or old sheet is a must. It is probably a good idea to keep a damp towel close by so you can wipe your hands when you are done.

Happy eating!

Sources:
http://en.allexperts.com/q/BDSM-2733/Figging.htm
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080126161531AA9sBOy

Cheap Ideas for BDSM Play

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Advanced Safety for BDSM

Sometimes, safewords don't work. This can be because someone is too into the scene to even be aware they're being hurt and need to stop (endorphins are that powerful!), are too scared to safeword, or don't feel comfortable stopping you if they think you want it.

So how do you make sure that BDSM stays safe, sane, and consenual if your partner gets into a place where he can't or won't safeword?

This is where advanced safety comes into play.

Solution One: Stoplight codes. Rather than just have one safeword that means, "STOP NOW!", sometimes a little warning for the Dom to slow things down or try a different tact can save a scene. Don't wait til it gets so bad you can't take it. Periodically check in with each other to see how the scene is going. "Green" means "Great, I'm loving it, keep going!," while "yellow" means "Proceed with caution, I'm not sure about this, you're hurting me, we need to slow down or back up," and "red" obviously means "Too much, stop now!"

Solution Two: nonverbal signals. Agree upon a nonverbal way to check in with each other. One great idea as a top is to grab your partner's hand (or whatever) and give a firm squeeze. If everything is a-okay, your partner squeezes back. No squeeze, or a squeeze delivered after some hesitation, lets you know you need to stop, back up, or slow down.

Solution Three: Know, know, know your sub. A sub who is so high on endorphins she can't feel pain may beg you to keep going long after it is safe for her! Or, a sub who has gotten so into role that he now believes it is real will be too frightened to safeword, even if you ask if he's okay. The top must be hypervigilant during scenes! If your sub's skin starts to look red or chapped, stop, even if they complain. If your sub seems tuned out, frightened, tense, or upset, stop the scene. Make sure the coherent adult, not an endorphin-drunk, horny bottom or a terrified, panicking sub is the one answering you when you ask if she's okay. You can't trust what a sub in subspace says, so use your own judgement and make sure you don't do anything your sub will hate you for later.

Above all: when in doubt, stop! You can always try again another day.

Aftercare: An Important Part of Any Sex

We've talked a lot in this blog about how to terrorize and torture a sub, both mentally and physically. It is important to note that in BDSM, a sub derives some sort of pleasure from being frightened, dominated, hurt, or manipulated; it is never nonconsenual. Both partners enjoy doing something kinky and exciting. But I think it is really, really important to emphasize something we have not yet mentioned: aftercare.

Aftercare is exactly what it sounds like: taking care of your sub after your "scene" is done! It does not matter if the scene ended with a safeword or just because you were done; aftercare is vital!

Whoever is playing the Dom or Domme for this scene needs to be prepared to give your sub aftercare. The human body absolutely must receive time to heal from physical wounds or emotional trauma. Even if it was all in good fun and both parties desired it, the sub needs this TLC from their Dom. The human body does not register a difference between pain the person wants to receive and pain the person does not want to receive: your brain still releases the same chemicals, and your body still goes into fight-or-flight mode.

If your play was especially dangerous or edgy, your sub may be in physical shock. Even if not, their heart will be pounding and adrenaline surging through their body, and they need you, someone who loves and cares for them, to take care of them now.

Some good activities for aftercare for subs are:

• wrapping a warm blanket around them, as body temperature drops drastically when your body comes out of shock


• holding them and cuddling them silently


• stroking their hair


• giving them a massage


• bringing them a glass of water to rehydrate their body


• bring them a snack, especially if your mate has low blood sugar issues


• applying aloe if you've hit them hard enough to break or bruise the skin


• whispering quietly to them, rubbing their back, and reminding them how much you love them


• letting them cry, be angry, shake, or whatever they need to feel at that moment


• talking quietly about the scene, what they felt, what you liked, and re-sharing the intimacy of it together


• playing soft music, talking soothingly to them, reading to them, praying together, drawing them a warm bath, or anything else soothing

It could be psychologically damaging for you to play "hard" with your mate, then just get up and leave and expect them to be okay, or roll over and fall asleep! You can NOT forget to provide aftercare after every session!

Of course, these scenes can be hard on doms, too. Even if they want it, it can be difficult for a dom to have to play "the bad guy." They have to yell, hit, beat, or scare someone they love. They have to play a role that society says is wrong, immoral, or bad. That can be difficult for someone to maintain for any length of time.

Some good activities for aftercare for masters are:

• rubbing sore muscles (if you've been hitting hard)


• cuddling and being held


• whispered words of love and loyalty


• sharing that you did, indeed, enjoy the scene and appreciate their efforts to play "the bad guy" for you.

Whether for BDSM or not, sex should always be about intimacy and love as well as physical desire. Aftercare, cuddling, talking, holding each other, and communicating what you liked and did not like about the session is crucial in every relationship. Never forget to play hard, but provide loving aftercare later--your lover needs it.

Links for the Beginning Sadomasochist

So for those of you interested in learning more about BDSM, we hope this blog will be of use to you. It will certainly be of use to us! We are excited to journal our sexual escapades and hope you will feel free to message or email us any questions you have about BDSM, sex ideas, sex toys, relationship issues, marriage, divorce, Christianity, faith, you name it; they all connect with how we humans relate in the bedroom!

Before we start blogging, we will give you beginners out there a crash course in common terminology used in the BDSM world.

• BDSM: Stands for Bondage/Discipline/Sadism/Masochism. Refers to a sexual lifestyle where physical and emotional pain are used to heighten sexual pleasure. Also called Sadomasochism, Dominance and Submission, B/D, B&D, D/S, D&S, S&M, S/M. This practice is used by people of all races, religions, and sexual orientations, and differs from sexual abuse because all partners are consenting adults.
• Dom: Short for the Dominant, often called the "S" (for sadist), the Top, or the Master. This refers to the person currently playing the role of the Dominant, or Sadist, someone who likes inflicting pain.
• Sub: Short for the Submissive, often called the "M" (for masochist), the Bottom, or the Slave. This person is currently being dominated.
• Bondage: Any means of restraining or tying your Sub, including tying with rope, tape, handcuffs, or your own hands.
• Discipline: Refers to verbal or emotional "abuse" heaped on the Sub by the Dom, resulting in a sexy feeling of being humilated and dominated
• Fetishism: This is finding sexual attraction from culturally non-sexual objects. Common examples of fetishes are shoes, feet, and panties.
• Power Exchange: This is when the Sub willingly gives control (physical, mental, and sexual) to the Dom. It can be for one short scene or last for days or weeks, depending what the partners agree upon.
• Punishment: Physical "abuse" used by the Dom to enforce and maintain control over the Sub
• Roleplaying: A specific type of BDSM behavior including assuming a separate identity for sexual play. Examples could include Policeman/Suspect, Teacher/Student, Nurse/Patient, etc.
• Safeword: A safeword is a password agreed upon by both partners beforehand that will stop all play immediately. It is imperative that both the Sub and the Dom stop sexual activity as soon as the safeword is spoken. Safewords allow the Sub to cry, plead, beg, and scream, "No!" to their hearts' content, but as soon as they are genuinely uncomfortable, they can call it quits. Common safewords are Red and Pickle.
• Scene: A "scene" is the word for a particular roleplaying game. Participants decide upon a scene beforehand and assume their roles; scenes can last anywhere from a 5-minute play session to an all-day session where both lovers maintain their characters long term.
• Silent Alarm: A silent alarm is imperative for BDSM enthusiasts who are not in a loving monogamous relationship. When you begin to explore with a new partner, tell a friend who you are with, where you'll be, and what time you'll be home. If you are not home by that time, the friend is to call the police. Inform your partner what you are doing and encourage him or her to use a silent alarm, too.

Helpful Links for the Aspiring Sadomasochist:
Click on the links below for more information.
An article on safety for your BDSM adventures.
This website gives novice female subs info on how to stay safe as they begin exploring the BDSM community, and also offers links to reputable resources on BDSM.
Here is a general guide to BDSM.
Warning! This site contains pornographic pictures. It does, however, contain a humorous story on flogging and how to correctly use safewords.