Challenge for Kinksters

Something I see a lot on the internet and in comments/emails posted to me about this blog is new kinksters feeling confused about where to start. What do they want? Which label best describes them? Are they top, Dom, Master, Owner, Daddy, slave, sub, switch? How do they convince their husband/wife/partner to be kinky with them?

So my advice for beginners, other than try everything once and don't be afraid to experiment with the different facets of BDSM to see which ones you really like, (see my beginner's guides for many of these things on this blog), is this: if you think you are interested in the D/s aspect of BDSM, try it for ten minutes a day. Period.

Too many people--me included--get so excited as beginners that they rush out the gate from total newbie to 24/7 D/s slavery. Fueled by sexy BDSM erotica, first-time websites, and mental fantasies they are sure will soon be realized, partnerships can burn out too fast and end in total disappointment, tears, fights, and frustrations.

Trust me. My Dom and I have been there!

Start slowly. Yes, I know it's exciting! And very, very sexy. But start slowly and let yourselves build up to the right level of D/s for you. Be creative and don't be afraid to experiment. And--this lesson is very important and one I learned the hard way, many times, before it sank it--don't criticize when you communicate. Just communicate. No judgments or criticisms necessary. Trust me, they won't be received well.

Start for a week and set the goal of incorporating some D/s into your days for 10 minutes a day. It doesn't have to be a lot. When we were newlyweds, we had a lot more time to devote to D/s and BDSM. Now, we have a baby and a house and family and jobs and pets. We are also supposed to squeeze sleep and relaxation and a few couple-only dates into the mix. We don't have a lot of alone time for scenes or drawn-out domination.

For me, this daily dose of D/s (ha! alliteration!) works sort of like maintenance spankings work for DD couples. I don't need to be spanked, but I do need a reminder that he's in charge. That he loves me. That he makes time for me and for us. It's a time for us to re-connect briefly. And to my surprise, it gets me through the next 23 hours and 50 minutes just fine. I don't need 2-hour scenes to be happy. But I do need a reminder of his domination.

Last week, he decided to spend the last 10 minutes before bed dominating me a little bit. I really liked it. We got the baby down, watched some 30 Rock or the Olympics, cuddled, brushed our teeth, read our Bible. Then we just had a short reconnection time with dominance play involved.

One day, he simply pinned me down and kissed me. Once we wrestled and giggled and we both re-discovered how much stronger than me he is. One night he just used the vibrator on me quickly and made me come, whether or not I wanted to. Another night I was being mouthy and he flipped me over and spanked me, hard, on my thighs. I, of course, got all pissed off and stopped talking to him. He waited patiently with his arms around me until I calmed down half an hour later and was able to realize that he was not being "unfair" or a "jerk" and was just being firm and giving me discipline. Another night he used the vibrator on me and turned it up high so I couldn't come but just squirmed from pain. I hated it! I went to bed sulky and mad, but he went to bed with a malicious little smile on his face.

None of these took much time, but the next day, I wasn't so snippy or mouthy with him. Even that little bit of domination was enough to remind me who was boss and to remind him to lead me.

One night, we were too tired and we just fell into bed. Another night, we were arguing and we stayed up late trying to patch the problem. Neither night did we engage in any D/s or domination, either physical or mental.

You can guess what happened.

My attitude began to rise, unchecked. During the days, I got snippier. More mouthy. "Ha! You can't boss me around! Who do you think you are?" my body language was saying.

What do you think happened next? He felt disrespected. I felt unloved and angry. We started fighting more. Bickering more. Cuddling less.

Just 10 minutes a day, folks. It's a good way to start out and a good place to work up from.

Take the 10-Minute-a-Day Challenge. Let me know how it goes!

Olympic Wrestling at Home

Last night was fun.

We wrestled.

It's been a long time since we wrestled. Like, back-when-we-were-dating long time.

He was showing me how to use my weight effectively against a bigger opponent. What can I say? The Olympics on tv obviously inspired us.

It was sexy, for me. I'd forgotten how strong he is.

No, my Dom is not a muscle machine. He looks, sadly, nothing like those hot young things in London we've been seeing so much of on tv. But that's okay.

Neither of us are in our prime anymore. When we met, he was a single guy who devoted his time to working out. He had muscles. Yum. Not too much, not too little. His arms... whoa. Firm and flexing over me in bed. Yes please. And I was a skinny young thing of 23, about twenty pounds lighter than I am now, and with a body that had not yet gotten droopy and loose with the weight of pregnancy.

That's okay.

Even without all those rippling muscles and taut tummy he used to have, when we were wrestling I realized, Whoa. He's still a lot stronger than me! Like, a lot stronger than me. The ease with which he flipped me over and pinned me was kind of sexy. "Let's do it again!" I giggled. And so we did.

At the end, I felt very attracted to him. I wanted to race to the bedroom and shake the dust off our bondage and pain toys.

I may have ruined the moment a bit by trying to hug him too hard, and inadvertently banging him in the tooth with my head.

Oops.

So we had a pause in our sexy time, for him to run to the bathroom and ascertain he was not bleeding, and for me to apologize profusely and mentally kick myself for ruining the vibe.

And it was just yesterday I was blogging about how scenes often don't go as perfectly in real life as they do in books and on the internet.

But we got back up on the horse, and headed to bed. He didn't feel up to bondage or implements of torture, but he did use the vibrator on me and grab my throat and hold me down. Yessss, please. I love it when he's rough with me. He got that deep throaty chuckle I love, the one that means he's let his guard down and is letting his evil, domineering side come out to play. He forced me to moan out loud because he knows I hate it and it embarrasses me. He kept his hand, firm and strong, against my throat the whole time. I couldn't move. I could barely breathe. He was in control.

And we went to bed, snuggling and happy, and me giggling and whispering my thanks. I love it when he dominates me.

There may have been a break in there where I had to go comfort a crying baby, but this is the internet, place where D/s goes perfectly and without a hitch, so we'll pretend like that didn't happen.

Keepin' It Real

In books like Fifty Shades of Grey, as well as online kinky erotica, you'll find a lot of perfect scenes. Scenes that go exactly the way both Dom and sub want them to. Scenes that always end with mutual orgasms.

Let's have a reality check.

Sometimes scenes don't go that way. Sometimes scenes are horrible for me because they're a whole lot of pain and no pleasure. That is what my Dom wants, or maybe he didn't read me so well that time, or whatever. Sometimes scenes are pleasurable but not that much and I'd honestly be happier with a good book and a cold soda.

I've blogged about the ups and downs of our BDSM explorations, from the time my cat ruined our rope play to the first time we tried bondage and my Dom ended up bleeding profusely.

Romance novels, movies, and even our own BDSM community with all its focus on never-going-to-come-true erotica set us up to be disappointed.  Sure, erotica can be very sexy (myself, I love the spanking stories from Domestic Discipline) but it doesn't always equal real life, where in fact I hate being spanked and get mouthy and angry real fast.

We had a scene and it was FABULOUS

We had a scene and it was FABULOUS. Simply fabulous.

I've been reading Fifty Shades of Grey and of course that has gotten me thinking, and therefore us talking, about BDSM relationships. While the relationship in 50 Shades is pretty textbook BDSM (if there is such a thing), it's still given us food for thought, mainly because it allows me to go back and remember how I felt and what I expected and hoped for when we first entered the BDSM scene. Obviously, we've evolved since then.

We had the same ole Talk.

You know, the one where I want him to force me and he wants me to just submit. Sigh.

Luckily, it didn't turn into a fight this time. Just talking. Trying to work past the frustrations in herent in our mutual incompatible desires and expectations when it comes to BDSM. When frustrations got high, we tried to take a calming step back and understand each other verbally, even if we didn't change our stance.

Of course, talking about it... I wanted it.

It's easier for me to get into the mood when I'm super, super relaxed.

Me being super, super relaxed never happens. Almost never. Maybe if I'm super exhausted or just taken a Xanax or something. Which doesn't happen a lot, let me tell you.

But yesterday, something clicked. I was relaxed enough. I just sat there. I soaked him in. I let him do whatever he wanted.

Boy, was it fantastic.

(Warning: Sexually Explicit Details! Not work-safe!)

He told me what to do. He touched me. He hurt me, a little but not much. He fingered me. He talked dirty to me, which was sooo hot. He told me he was punishing me for being too mouthy lately. He made me give him head, and I thought I couldn't take it but he kept grabbing my hair and making me do it anyway. I kept stopping to gag, and I was worried that disappointed him, but he just waited a few seconds and then kept right on going. Then he pushed me backwards onto the bed in an uncomfortable position and did not let me move. I kept wiggling and breathing hard but trying not to change positions! He flipped me onto the bed and had sex with me, just a little bit, then went back to fingering me, hard, too hard. It hurt, it hurt, I wanted him to be gentler, but I kept coming and he kept telling me not to move my hands or my head. I came and came until I was worn out from coming, and it hurt so much, and when he finally, finally let me up, I started laughing, just laughing, from relief and happiness and the best. sex. ever! And then he cleaned my vibrator and used it on me, and I was so turned on and sensitive to his touch that I just sat there in exquisite agony and kept getting so close to coming over the brink but I never could, the torture just went on and on. And when it finally happened it was superb.

I was so happy. I felt so good. He made me feel so delicious. He gave me pleasure. I wanted to please him. I wanted him. I respected him, loved him, wanted to make him happy. And at the end I was an exhausted, panting, satisfied woman.

People, this never happens except in the romance novels. It was AWESOME!

Thank you to my honey. I am a very happy woman today.

The "Right" Kind of Sub

I've been perusing Submissive Guide again, getting caught up on some forum discussions and browsing new articles. I just can't make myself get onto FetLife again, since I've gotten bored with the same-ole, same-ole questions and answers about D/s and subs that have always been asked and answered, but I am dying for some new information on BDSM. That's why I started this blog; I could not find a lot of info on BDSM for newbies to the lifestyle!

But today I did find a good article on Souls Haven, and here is an excerpt:

You decide how submissive you are. You decide if you want to scene or if you want to be in a lifestyle relationship. It's your decision if you want to play with toys or if you prefer hands. It's your decision how hard "too hard" is. It's your decision if you would like to add sadism and masochism to your play or if you honestly just want to deal with the mental trust issues that D/s entails.

For me, I've tried scenes and I've tried lifestyle and everything in between. I'm still trying to find my niche. Am I D/s or BDSM or DD or Taken in Hand or CDD? I'm not sure!!!! I'm a little of all of them. Or maybe some weird mix. I don't know.

But I am definitely in agreement with this quote. It can  be easy to feel like you have to fit into a particular "box" in this lifestyle. Like if you are a sub you have to fit into the style of "sub" the websites describe, or the same for a slave or Dom or even a switch.

As a newbie, I really struggled with what kind of a sub I was. Did I want a contract or rules or not? Once I got them, they scared me and I didn't want to obey them. Did I need to be a masochist to be a sub? I tried pain play but I wasn't sure I really liked it. What I did like, however, was the mind play. I think this quote puts it better than I have ever heard it phrased, "the mental trust issues that D/s entails". This is the part I struggle with and yearn for most. I want to submit. Or, do I want to be conquered? Or do I want to be forced to submit, which is not really submitting? But I definitely don't want to be forced... It can get confusing. Just ask my Dom!

But there's really no right or wrong. The only true difficulty is in finding what kind of a sub I am, what kind of Dom my husband is, and then finding what kind of D/s we want to have. This is hard for us, and we've been working at it on and off for three years. We really aren't sure exactly what we want. I think he needs to think about it more and I need to think about it less. ;-)  And also, I think it is easier for us than perhaps it is for some other subs and Doms, because the norm on FetLife and the web seems to be that most people in this lifestyle aren't monogamous and try scenes with multiple partners, sometimes just as a trial run and maybe only once with the same person. I'm sure for those people, it can be really hard not to fall into the trap of believing that there is one kind of "right sub" because if they are not the style of sub that Dom is looking for, they can feel guilty and like a disappointment. It's not to say my Dom and I don't struggle with this sometimes, trying to mesh our ideas and frustrations with what we want, but a lot of that difficulty becomes a non-issue because we don't play with other people.

I wonder sometimes what it would be like to play with someone else, but it takes too much trust and vulnerability to ever try that, so we've agreed playing with other partners would be too close to adultery, even if there were no sex involved. Therefore, I am spared having to deal with new Doms and new styles, and I can just concentrate on trying to figure out what the heck is going on in my own marriage. :-)