A Safeworded Scene is Sometimes the Best

Safewords are so common in BDSM, you'll hear about them all the time. These can be used by the sub or the Dom at any time to stop or pause a scene when something goes wrong or when one of them can't take any more.

A lot of people are willing to safeword if they need to, but then they think the scene is "ruined." This isn't true, since I know people who will safeword, pause the scene, and then just go right back into it once they have fixed whatever was the problem. But sometimes a safeword means a scene needs to stop RIGHT THEN.

Well, I had to do an emergency safeword the other night, and I've been thinking about this. I actually believe our scene was somehow better than other times when I haven't safeworded.

Don't get me wrong, I wasn't having fun at the time. Otherwise I wouldn't have had to call our safeword (or safe phrase, in our case). I needed him to stop, and I needed him to stop right then. But terrible as it was at the time, I realized later that I'd gotten what I'd needed out of the scene. I'd been terrified, angry, frightened, and broken. My Dom didn't know that yet, and I had taken all I could take, so I called it quits and he immediately started taking care of me---in fact, he felt awful. But I tried to explain to him later (when I could talk!) that I'd rather have a scene be so overwhelming and complete that I have to immediately safeword out of it, than have a scene where my limits aren't stretched and everything goes smoothly and safely but at the end, I feel dissatisfied and unfulfilled.

Let me describe what happened.

Making me cry is a very hard thing to do. First, I'm a woman, and second, I'm a redhead. Both these contribute to me having a high pain tolerance. But mostly, as an individual I just have an incredibly high pain tolerance and immense self control. I was emotionally abused as a teenager, and that has kept me from being able to express my emotions healthily as an adult. I can keep myself from crying, to the point where I can't cry even when I want to.

So sometimes in a scene, my goal is for him to break me to the point where I can cry. For some reason I can't get myself there alone. I can't cry. When I try, the tears don't come. Even when he hits me or yells at me, I'll often get close to tears, but no tears will come. It's very frustrating, because BDSM is all about me wanting to get that release that I can't otherwise have. It's about wanting him to have that control and closeness to me that I otherwise don't know how to give him.

We discussed things that actually scare me, and one of them is being slapped repeatedly in the face. Don't get me wrong, I love being slapped a few times; it even makes me come harder. But the only person who has beaten me repeatedly in the face is my mother, so it's natural that those repeated slaps across the face, with no chance to defend myself or have a break to pull myself together again, take me right back to that victimization of my childhood. Sure, it's a terrible feeling, but in the end it is the only way to break me down.

Well, my Dom went at it a lot harder than he had before. I am used to a few slaps, then a break, but he just kept hitting me and hitting me. After a while, I got absolutely pissed. I am not used to feeling such intense anger, and I would have beaten the crap out of him, except he had me pinned down! I wasn't playing anymore, I was FURIOUS. Then he started slapping me again. It wasn't fun, sexy slapping, either; this was a harsh beating on both sides of my face. I started to whimper and fight him in earnest. He was beating the crap out of me, I was screaming for him to stop, I was starting to cry, and the whole time he just kept coming and slapping and hitting me without a pause or a break. He kept screaming, "Break, damn you! Break!" I started to cry and fight him in earnest, but he was too big for me. The pain in my face was becoming unbearable. I tried to safeword, but I couldn't breathe. I started screaming for him to stop. Finally, sobbing so hard I could barely breathe, I choked out, "I c----!" and started wailing.

That was all I got out, but it was close enough to our safeword ("I can't") that all hitting stopped immediately. He gathered me into his arms, held me, and I laid there and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed.

He told me later that he felt terrible, that he had been trying to watch to see when I started to cry, but that he hadn't felt or seen it and thought he should keep going. He was worried I was angry with him, but why would I be? He had done everything exactly as we'd discussed: he'd made me hit my limits, and once I safeworded he had stopped immediately. It wasn't his fault if the scene had gotten too intense, too fast.

I cried myself out for a good long while while he held me. My face ached, and once I was all cried out he went to get me some water and some ice for my face. My cheeks were a lovely rosy color, but the right side of my face was swelled up and I was seriously afraid I would have a black eye (I didn't). My face was aching and so my Dom tucked me into bed and held the ice to my face. I fell into a deep sleep that lasted for 12 hours, completely released and cried out.

Later, we discussed the whole thing. He said he'd felt top drop for the first time, seeing me cry like that after what he'd done to me. He felt terrible that I'd had to use my safeword. I tried to explain to him that is what safewords are for! Yes, the scene got too much for me and we had to stop, but in the end that meant I was 100% worn out and had gotten to cry out all my negative emotions. I felt much more calm and at peace after I'd calmed down than I would have if we'd done a lighter scene that didn't cause me any emotional reaction at all.

For me, the scene was both bad and good. Like so many BDSM scenes are for me as a sub, the scene itself was bad---I was being hurt, I was in physical and emotional pain, and I left it bruised and drained. But the thing I love about BDSM is that it lets me use those negative emotions and turn them in to a positive experience! As soon as I'd cried myself out and my Dom had turned back into the nice, loving man I know and not the maniacal monster who was hitting me, I felt so much better and at peace. I'd finally managed to cry, and it was a total catharsis. I'd found an outlet for my negative emotions, and I felt closer to my Dom, sleepy, safe, and exhausted. I slept hard and well. The next day, my face looked fine and was only slightly sore, and I felt more in love and happy than I'd felt in days. All my worries and anxieties had been melted away!

So yes, at the time it was scary. But the scene achieved its goal. And it has taught me: a safeworded scene is sometimes the best!

Puppy Food for your Puppy

Puppy play is a really common fetish among some BDSMers. What many people don't realize when they are training they puppy, however, is that human puppies shouldn't eat real dog food. First off, dry dog food is too hard for human teeth to chew, and can damage your pet's teeth and gums. Also, dogs have completely different nutritional needs than humans, so using real dog food can upset your pet's digestive system.

But there are a few tricks if you want to feed your puppy from a doggie bowl!

Here are some foods you might want to try...

Chocolate. For the puppy with a sweet tooth, crumbled bits of chocolate in a doggie bowl are a tasty but visually "doggish" food. But if you have real pets, be careful not to leave it out, since chocolate is toxic to both cats and dogs!

Beans. Beans are the color and consistency of much wet dog food, so these are great for humiliation. Pour some refried beans into a dog bowl, or use any variety of canned or fresh beans--chili beans, kidney beans, or any type of brown bean will work.

Chili. This food looks almost exactly like dog food when you leave out the peppers and onions. Make a simple chili dish with just tomato paste, ground beef, and chili beans, and you have a mushy food ready to be poured into a bowl!

Porridge. Anything soft and soupy, such as porridge, oatmeal, or even cereal can be poured into a dog bowl and enjoyed as a puppy treat.

Ground Beef. Try a dish with a ground-beef base for an authentic look. Some suggestions include Hamburger helper dishes, noodles and beef, chili, Sloppy Joes, taco meat, or cut-up hamburgers. All these foods are easily edible for humans, but look like dog food.

Ribs or Legs. Throw your human puppy a cooked chicken leg or a baked rib and let him get dirty licking and comping the meat without his paws. Later, you can enjoy watching him knaw on the bone!

Of course, basically any food poured into a bowl can substitute as dog food, so you are only limited by your imagination!

For more tips on how to train a human into a pet, click here.

Wisdom from the Dom

In the course of being a dominant there are many tips and tricks one learns over the course of time and experience. The trial and error of many different techniques; finding out what works and what doesn't. The blog is dedicated to the little nuggets of wisdom I have picked up along the way and would like to pass them on to all of the fledgling Doms out there or anyone who is interested in being on. I commend you for being brave, number one, and number two, please feel free to leave comments to better the collective ideas of the post.

Being a Monitor:

Subspace is a completely different experience than any other for your sub. Personally, I have not ever been there, but I feel I can comment on what I have observed and questioned. This would qualify me in the way that a female sex therapist could explain a male's orgasm.

Your sub is in a strange, hazy sort of headspace that limits them to normal feelings and sensations. They tend to be more like obedient, little beings than real people and resemble those who are under hypnosis. They aren't aware of their physical status, but rather, are more in tune with their emotions and buried somewhere beneath them. This is why, it is your duty, to monitor your sub at all times. They may not be aware they are not breathing or have been hit too hard (to goal is to hurt, not damage) or that they need air immediately. Every year faithful subs meet their Maker, because some foolhardy Dom, who likely promised to love and protect them, was not vigilant in their sub's well-being.

I want to comment on the sub's limits, as well, because they may not realize their bodies are done for. There are several non-verbal indicators they need a rest and they include, but are not limited to: shaking, going limp, heavy breathing, thirst and a quick change in body temperature. If you have any medical training at all, you should notice these are the same signs and symptoms as shock. If these occur, back off, do damage control, and move on. It is nice for you to switch from mean or nasty to giving them pleasure. The contrast of switching will make the bad and good more intense.

Be careful for yourself:

Many avenues of BDSM can be dangerous not only for your sub, but also for you. Mine has written about the bloopers of which I am guilty. The one, which scarred me, literally, is a knife cut that occurred when I was cutting her out of zip ties. The zip ties are great, by the way! The slip on in a matter of seconds, making the subduing of your partner, so easy. However, the risk comes later, because they are hard to get out of, which leaves your sub vulnerable longer, and if you cut out of them you may stab yourself.

Knives are not the only dangerous thing we play with, but needles, electricity, blunt objects, and binding devices are all dangerous. So, be careful of your own sadistic actions!

Be creative:

As my sub mentioned in the Puppy play article, we are frugal people. This, in turn, causes for us to be very creative when it comes to toys and tools in the bedroom. For example, there are items available for purchase, which allow for you to tie the sub's hands above their heads using a doorjamb. I eliminated the need for this by tying the sub up with burn free rope and then tying a large knot about two feet away from her hands. I then put the knot above and over the other side of the door and shut it. Viola! A trapped, squirming sub was mine. Other ideas include, computer cords as restraints and Nail clippers or bamboo skewers may feel like a knife or needle if the sub is properly blindfolded. Use zip ties, instead of handcuffs. If you don't have a paddle, fly swatters, wooden spoons, and rulers are all great house items that double as instruments of torture.

Good luck out there and, as always, be safe!!!

By the way, we are in no way responsible for accidents that occur on your own time.

My Intro to Puppy Play

Puppy play is a new area for me, although one that's always been hot. There's something so repellent in the idea of being degraded into a subhuman entity, something so disgusting and wrong and humiliating that an activity that once grossed me out gradually began to turn me on.

My Dom and I had several hot talks about this very thing when I was living in France and phone BDSM was all we had. I suggested the idea, and slowly it became very hot. He would talk to me on the phone as we'd discuss all the terribly wrong things he could do to me to make me act like a dog.

Finally, we did it.

It wasn't a terribly intense scene; there were no cages or leashes or shock collars, no dog bowls engraved with "FIDO" and no peeing on a newspaper. Yet.

First, my Dom psyched me out by putting my hair into two pigtails. I assumed we were going to try our hand at Daddy/little girl play, so I was a little surprised when he came in with two of his long, fuzzy socks.

He subsequently tied both socks around my knees (a brilliant idea, by the way) and then tied a computer cord around my neck.

Of course, I hadn't been warmed up and I was no where near to sub space. I let him strip me off naked and tie the cord around me, but I refused to budge when he tried to lead me away. But my Dom is stronger than me, and the cord around my neck being pulled forced me into a crawling position, and eventually forced me to take several begrudging steps. Since he kept pulling, my choice was clear: be choked, or crawl forward. At first I stubbornly tried to stay still, but this only ended up in me coughing, gagging, and being forced to crawl a few steps forward. Once, I grabbed the cord with both hands and refused to budge, but all this did was make him pull me several feet across the hardwood floors (I wouldn't recommend this, as now I have a neck/back ache). Gradually, he choke/dragged me across the house and into the kitchen.

You don't have to own a lot of BDSM toys for puppy play to work, by the way. Of course, there are all sorts of BDSM toys you can buy for this type of play: leashes, collars, doggie ears, butt plugs that double as tails, cages, dog toys, even knee pads and fake paws gloves. But my Dom and I are big believers in the cheap, do-it-yourself BDSM scenes. While we do own a few vibrators and paddles, we generally stick to creative use of household items.

Some handy tips if ever you want to indulge in puppy play without investing in expensive gear:

• rope or computer cord instead of a leash and collar
• pigtails instead of fake doggie ears
• thick socks instead of knee pads
• regular bowls instead of dog food dishes
• crumbled human food instead of dog food (humans shouldn't eat real dog food, anyway)
• rolled up newspaper instead of a whip or paddle

Anyway, our play began, and boy, was I humiliated! Once I'd been dragged into the kitchen, I proceeded to bury my head in my hands. My Dom grabbed the nearest wooden spoon and spanked me until I started whining and protesting.

"Dogs don't talk," he reminded me, setting a bowl of water in front of me. "Now drink!"

Of course, I was about to die of humiliation. I thought I might actually start to cry, but I held it in. I refused to drink, no matter how much he spanked me, first with the wooden spoon and next with a rolled-up newspaper, yelling "Bad dog!" at me. Finally, he grabbed one of my pigtails and forced my head into the bowl. I had no choice, and so I drank.

Next, he tied my "leash" to the kitchen table and left me there with a bowl of crumbled up chocolate while he went to roll up another newspaper. Once I had finished my bowl of "dog food," he led me into the living room and forced me to fetch a pen he threw across the room. At first I started to cry and told him I couldn't (you might want to put a gag on your "puppy" if she won't stop talking), but eventually he spanked me so much I went, dragging my head and near sobs. I crawled across the floor and was instructed to pick the pen up with my mouth and bring it back. Once I dropped the pen at his feet, he petted me and rubbed me and told me, "Good dog!" while I cringed in abject misery and humiliation at his feet.

Although I was an unwilling puppy, my Master expected this. He kept a firm tone of voice and kept yelling at me, pulling me by my leash, or spanking me until he got what he wanted. Gradually, I became more and more obedient to his commands.

Finally, he lead a shaking, humiliated, and very turned on sub into the bedroom. He made me suck his big toe and jack him off to earn my freedom from "puppydom." Once I'd earned it, he released me from my bondage and rewarded me with lots of fingering and dildos. My pride and stubborness gone, I relished every second of it.

For me, what was so gratifying about this scene was the loss of control. Though I fought him, I was eventually forced to submit and act like a dog. He nearly brought me to tears, and this messed wonderfully with my mind.

For him, he found the power and control over me to be highly erotic. He likes breaking me, wearing me down, and ultimately triumphing over a strong woman. It makes him feel powerful and dominant, and so he enjoys our scenes like this.

If you'd like to try puppy (or kitty, or pony, or whatever) play, I suggest you play with household items before investing in expensive toys you may not even like. Once you've decided you like this fetish, you can buy the toys. Also, a choke collar is a great idea, but make sure not to drag your pet by the neck, as this causes neck and back problems or headaches. If you want to litter train or paper train your pet, expect a longer scene--and try to make them drink lots and lots of water before you play! Also, don't accept anything less than 100% obedience if you want your pet to obey you---my Dom caught me sneaking pieces of chocolate out of my bowl, and only hit me a few times with completely painless newspaper, and I also got away with quite a lot of "human" talking. A gag might work to stop your pet from talking if she refuses to obey your commands.

Once we were done, I was worn out and near sleep. He cuddled me and I dozed happily, safe and warm in my Dom's arms. *happy sigh*

Genitorture

Genitorture.

May not sound fun, right? Yet the fetish of genital torture is often used in scenes. Whether you want to incorporate it into an interrogation scene, be the "Mean Domme" for once, or just hear your slave scream, some genitorture may be right for you.

Generally, just the phrase "genital torture" is going to get your sub's blood pumping and fear spiking. Genital torture is so popular because it inflicts pain on one of our most intimate, vulnerable places. The psychological aspect is also huge, since you are attacking a place of vulnerability and sexuality.

My advice is to start slowly. You don't want to cause too much pain to your sub, or bring on the pain too quickly. The best idea is to mix pain and pleasure. Of course, play with a safeword.

If your sub is a woman, consider a pussy whip or other light, stingy instrument. You don't want to use anything hard or thuddy on tender breasts or vulvas. A speculum is a great idea, since you can insert this into the vagina or anus and then widen the hole slowly. This is great both for visual humiliation and to keep the orfice held open while you torture it.

As for actual torture, consider using many clamps and clips of various sizes and materials. Plastic, wood, and metal clamps are all available... my Dom simply uses brightly-colored plastic clothes pins. Sometimes he pretends to close them and laughs at my reaction, other times he clamps them and watches me arch and moan, other times he clamps them and then squeezes them tighter with his fingers (ouch!), and sometimes he just leaves them on while I endure the pain. I've found on my nipples, these clamps are highly painful and make my breasts sore for days afterward, but they also heighten sensations of pleasure. On my clit, the clips don't hurt at all, but give a wonderful pressure that has been known to make me ejaculate with no other stimulation! My Dom will flick the clit clamp back and forth to enhance the sensation. And as an added bonus, our cats love them and use them as toys!

For more advance pussy torture, try light slapping and pussy whipping. Insert dildos and vibrators that are just a little bit too big. If you have a clit suction cup, use it on the labia and clitoris. Some people even use needles to pin the lips open or temporarily pierce the labia. Others clamp forceps on the inner lips and tie the forceps to a table, effectively splaying the inner lips.

Of course, as the Dom, you don't want to only provide your hapless sub with physical stimulation! As you torture her, talk to her. Describe what you are doing or going to do, chuckle sadistically to yourself, and exclaim over what you see and the pain you are inflicting. "I'm going to spread you with this speculum, my sweet.... ahhh, that hurts doesn't it??? Just a little more.... there, there, don't cry.... you look so deliciously HOT with your pussy spread open! And now I am going to stick this big, bad dildo in you til you cry for me to stop" is going to make your sub a lot hotter than if you cause all this pain in silence.

What if your sub is a boy? This type of genital torture is called Cock and Ball Torture, or CBT for short. There are lots of toys you can buy to help with CBT, such as cock restraints or weights you hang from the testicles. But you can still have lots of fun at home with no fancy store-bought toys.

Just like with women, you don't want to use heavy canes or paddles for CBT. Stick to a light slapper or single-tailed whip. This will cause lots of pain but no actual damage. Some brave souls even use catheters and insert all sorts of terrible things into a male sub's urethra (ouch!). Others paddle, punch, or strike the testicles. Some men enjoy ball-busting, which basically means you kick, punch, and stomp on his testicles. I don't understand it myself, but I've read accounts from men who said a Domme had them knocked on the ground in the fetal position, kicking and stomping on their balls with high-heeled shoes, and that they loved it!

If you want to keep it a little lighter, you can squeeze, knead, push, pull, massage, and slap the genital area. The mixture of pleasure and pain is sure to drive him crazy! You can also tie his balls up and pull on the string, or simply hang something heavy from them and gradually add to the weight.

When playing with genital torture, be safe! Play with safewords, discuss your activities beforehand, and have fun.