I'm so tired of hearing about Fifty Shades of Grey. Tired of the Facebook posts I kept coming across: "An Open Letter from a Mother to Her Daughter," "A Letter from a Pastor about Fifty Shades of Grey", etcetera, ad. naseum. Mothers to daughters. Priests to flock. Feminists. Christians. Everyone wanted everyone else to know that what went on in this movie was not okay, not ever, not nohow, not nowhere.
Man hit woman? No. Man coerce woman? No. Man take away woman's choice? Never.
What they all seem to forget is the end of all those sentences. Man hits woman with her willing consent.
The biggest irony of all is the feminists, who by rights should be defending an adult woman's right to engage in any consensual sexual activity, have jumped right on the bandwagon with the Christians and the mothers.
As someone who lives BDSM and D/s in my life on a fairly steady basis, I wasn't very impressed with the books. Edward--oops, I mean Christian, does lots of threatening and very foreplay-ish dirty talk, but never does he actually do more than tantalizingly threaten. She is never actually hurt. He does not follow through on any threats more scandalous than tying her up and making her listen to soft music. Sensory play. Bleh.
In this very fictional story, the character Christian is actually very straightforward with his potential submissive Anastasia--played by the most boring woman alive in the movie, so I haven't seen it yet--and makes her read and sign a very clear contract before engaging in any physical contact. Anastasia is a woman over 18, and if this turns her on--who are we to care?
Besides, it's obvious than no matter how many Open Letters to Fill-in-the-Blank circulate the internet and garner useless "likes", the truth is this book and movie would not be so popular if deep down, the themes presented here appeal to a lot, and I mean a lot, of women. It has made $400 million dollars in ticket sales, and that's not even including book sales.
Maybe more women will start responding to that appeal and reach out on the internet--to us, to this community. Maybe they will create painfully trite usernames and discover the joys of FetLife, Taken in Hand, and the BDSM blogging community at large.
If you're one of those seekers and you've found your way here, rest a while. We're glad you found us. Welcome home.
2/25/2015
2/16/2015
I Own You
There are few things as raw and powerful as him taking you firmly by the hips and saying, "I own you" as he penetrates you.
The rush of emotion is divine. Subspace pulls me in. I feel like weeping. I am conquered, controlled, loved, and captivated.
The words are powerful. "I own you."
And so I feel owned.
The rush of emotion is divine. Subspace pulls me in. I feel like weeping. I am conquered, controlled, loved, and captivated.
The words are powerful. "I own you."
And so I feel owned.
10/27/2014
"Her Submission" - A Poem
For birds within a cage, it's a big and frightening world
For a woman outside, I'm a very young girl
And though the iron bars are open, she doesn't want to leave
Outside these thorny walls she doesn't know just how to sing
Though safe he holds them open, she falters at the start
If he is not true, her game is lost; he'd trample o'er her heart
The gates remain left open, but the bird does not take wing
For safe within these thorny walls, she knows just how to sing
She steps out into the sunlight,
A world she learns to ride
Life, faith, and love, and family
He stable at her side
He calls, he smiles, he beckons
Happy though she knew
Her freedom given, her happy home:
He has bars, sometimes, too.
10/25/2014
The Submission
The submission of this woman is difficult to attain. She is willful, independent. She longs to be conquered yet fights with valor.
That is how I feel. My Dom forced me to submit to him last Saturday night. He did things that he knows I do not like. Even things that are on my list of hard limits. He just pushed right through them, stroking, encouraging, and I gave in, and I hated it on one level and on another I found it sexually satisfying.
When he does things to me that make me feel used and uncomfortable, I feel little. Young. Submissive. I go into subspace, where things I do not like can have a positive physical effect on my body. I whine, not fight. I shudder, not struggle.
In the end, for days I am left feeling young. I love him. I want to submit to him. He is my boss and my head and my everything.
10/23/2014
I Don't Need Therapy Just Because I'm Kinky
I feel the need to post a reply to a comment left on one of my blog posts. Here is a copy of the comment:
Maybe because you only know me through my BDSM blog, you think that is all my relationships is. I can't blame you; it's not like I discuss the other aspects of my marriage much on here. However, I think it is important to remember that even though BDSM is an important part of my marriage, it is nowhere near all of it.
The amount of time my Dom and I spend having kinky sex is really relatively small in proportion to our other activities. We are happily married. We are parents together. We go on dates. We both work. We cook and clean and watch tv and do laundry and sleep and laugh just like any other couple. Sex and domination is not all we are about.
Does my Dom sometimes hit me? Sure. Does he ever do it outside of a consensual sexual context? Absolutely not. Would I stand for it if he did? Not a chance.
You know, I don't need my Dom to beat me to feel connected to him. I feel connected to him when he brings me flowers. When we have wrestling matches on the living room floor. When we sit down, exhausted, and discuss our parenting techniques together. When we joke together. When he makes me laugh. When we cuddle and watch our favorite tv shows together. When we have sex. When he gives me a massage. When he calls me just to ask how my day is going. When he kisses my forehead before he leaves for work.
And yes, also when he dominates me in the bedroom. Does that mean I need therapy? Not necessarily. It means that, for whatever reason, dominance is one of the ways we bond. It makes me feel closer to him. He is my rock, my strength, my head, my dominant, my husband. I can relax and let him be in charge. The next day I am more open, more affectionate, more loving. And guess what? Those are all GOOD things for my marriage!
You know what? I've been to therapy. Years and years of it. It's helped me get through relationship issues with my mother (which, unlike my relationship with my amazing husband, is an abusive relationship), to learn more about myself, to help me deal with mental illness, to help me control my anxiety. Therapy has helped me in many ways. I am under the care of a trained psychiatrist who has me on so many medications I feel like opening a pharmacy in my bathroom. And yes, they do help. Some. But even with medicine, I still have bad dreams, anxiety problems, and panic attacks. The medicine helps but does not solve the problem.
You know what does solve the problem? Dominating sex with my husband. No amount of prescription pills can make me sleep the hard, dreamless sleep of a woman completely at peace, mentally and physically exhausted and floating in the relaxation of sub space. After we have a "session," I don't have nightmares. I don't stay awake worrying. I don't wake up worrying. I sleep, relaxed and safe and secure and happy.
I haven't talked to a therapist about my kinky habits because they do not cause a problem for me in my life. Of all the bad things that have happened to me, having a sexually dominating husband who loves and cherishes me is not one of them. In fact, it is quite the opposite.
It doesn't mean BDSM is for everyone. But it also doesn't mean any woman with an interest in BDSM needs to run screaming to a therapist so she can have her mind changed until she enjoys only vanilla sex.
It means whatever makes my husband and me happy, connected, close, and loving works for us. It means any sex that we both enjoy and that does nothing but bring us closer and make us feel more connected can only be a good thing.
Kinky sex? Bring it on.
This story about her sub [sic-Dom] beating her is heartbreaking. If that doesn't cry out "I NEED THERAPY" I dont know what does. Feeling the need to have a guy beat the shit out of you so you can feel connected to him is not healthy or normal. It indicates a real psychological problem and that problem will NEVER be solved through violence. I will pray for you.
Maybe because you only know me through my BDSM blog, you think that is all my relationships is. I can't blame you; it's not like I discuss the other aspects of my marriage much on here. However, I think it is important to remember that even though BDSM is an important part of my marriage, it is nowhere near all of it.
The amount of time my Dom and I spend having kinky sex is really relatively small in proportion to our other activities. We are happily married. We are parents together. We go on dates. We both work. We cook and clean and watch tv and do laundry and sleep and laugh just like any other couple. Sex and domination is not all we are about.
Does my Dom sometimes hit me? Sure. Does he ever do it outside of a consensual sexual context? Absolutely not. Would I stand for it if he did? Not a chance.
You know, I don't need my Dom to beat me to feel connected to him. I feel connected to him when he brings me flowers. When we have wrestling matches on the living room floor. When we sit down, exhausted, and discuss our parenting techniques together. When we joke together. When he makes me laugh. When we cuddle and watch our favorite tv shows together. When we have sex. When he gives me a massage. When he calls me just to ask how my day is going. When he kisses my forehead before he leaves for work.
And yes, also when he dominates me in the bedroom. Does that mean I need therapy? Not necessarily. It means that, for whatever reason, dominance is one of the ways we bond. It makes me feel closer to him. He is my rock, my strength, my head, my dominant, my husband. I can relax and let him be in charge. The next day I am more open, more affectionate, more loving. And guess what? Those are all GOOD things for my marriage!
You know what? I've been to therapy. Years and years of it. It's helped me get through relationship issues with my mother (which, unlike my relationship with my amazing husband, is an abusive relationship), to learn more about myself, to help me deal with mental illness, to help me control my anxiety. Therapy has helped me in many ways. I am under the care of a trained psychiatrist who has me on so many medications I feel like opening a pharmacy in my bathroom. And yes, they do help. Some. But even with medicine, I still have bad dreams, anxiety problems, and panic attacks. The medicine helps but does not solve the problem.
You know what does solve the problem? Dominating sex with my husband. No amount of prescription pills can make me sleep the hard, dreamless sleep of a woman completely at peace, mentally and physically exhausted and floating in the relaxation of sub space. After we have a "session," I don't have nightmares. I don't stay awake worrying. I don't wake up worrying. I sleep, relaxed and safe and secure and happy.
I haven't talked to a therapist about my kinky habits because they do not cause a problem for me in my life. Of all the bad things that have happened to me, having a sexually dominating husband who loves and cherishes me is not one of them. In fact, it is quite the opposite.
It doesn't mean BDSM is for everyone. But it also doesn't mean any woman with an interest in BDSM needs to run screaming to a therapist so she can have her mind changed until she enjoys only vanilla sex.
It means whatever makes my husband and me happy, connected, close, and loving works for us. It means any sex that we both enjoy and that does nothing but bring us closer and make us feel more connected can only be a good thing.
Kinky sex? Bring it on.
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