Good grief.
It looks like the baby got hold of my phone and either emailed or texted part of a very sensitive discussion between my husband and me about BDSM, our relationship, D/s, and sexual attraction. And she emailed it TO MY DAD.
I might die of embarrassment.
I just got this text saying, "Did you email this to me? Something is not working right..."
*Facepalm*
7/23/2012
7/10/2012
One Lovely Blog
Thanks to Dauntless Vitality for nominating me for the One Lovely Blog Award! I appreciate it!
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Seven things you will not know about me:
Fifteen of my favorite blogs that I think deserve a One Lovely Blog Award:
D/s, BDSM, and Sexuality:
The rules of acceptance are, mention and thank the person who nominated you (see above), tell your readers 7 unknown things about yourself, and nominate 15 of your own favorite blogs for the One Lovely Blog Award, with links.
Here goes!
Seven things you will not know about me:
- I vote Democrat 100% of the time but am staunchly pro-life
- I believe redheads and cats are superior to the rest of us
- My perfect day is alone all day in bed with a good book and computer, with a big bowl of cookie dough and a spoon
- I think marijuana should be legal for those over 21
- I once drove for 2 weeks with my brights on and didn't realize it
- The hottest attribute I see in men is height. Oh, I'm a sucker for guys over 5'11".
- I wish God had made humans to run on sweets and processed foods instead of whole grains and vegetables
Fifteen of my favorite blogs that I think deserve a One Lovely Blog Award:
D/s, BDSM, and Sexuality:
- Stormy at Shelter in the Storm
- Dannah at Subtypical
- Clarisse Thorn
- Rogue Bambi at Past the Hurt
- Jake at Jake's Writings I Save- must be invited to read this blog
- Sara at Finding Sara
- Kaya at Under His Hand (very funny blog)
- The Bloggess (general humor)
- Kelly Mom (parenting, breastfeeding, infants)
- Chloe's Nails (nail art)
- The Couple to Couple League's NFP Blog (natural family planning)
7/07/2012
My Core: answers to journal prompt
My Core
I'm a conquered submissive. I'm a Christian, a mother, a wife, daughter, sister, friend, teacher, leader, helper, romantic, reader, artist, pessimist, worrier, doubter, fearer.
I feel joy when I hold my sleeping baby. When I sing or dance. When I hear beautiful music being sung by amazing singers live.
I feel pain when I feel alone, lonely, lost, misunderstood, and not listened to. I feel pain when people leave me, when I worry I'm not good enough or worthy or attractive or pretty or nice enough. I feel pain when my husband hurts me. I feel pain when friends and family do not put as much time and effort into me as I do into them.
I feel fear when I think of my baby dying. I feel fear when I think of dying and becoming nothing. I feel fear when I imagine heights, airplanes, big dogs, the baby getting hurt, my husband liking someone else's company better than mine, my family not loving me as much as I love them, losing my job.
I feel excitement when I go shopping and imagine the "new me" that can emerge when I buy an accessory or clothes that are out of my normal box. I feel excitement at traveling to exotic new places. I feel excited about learning new things, like cooking, languages, fashion, grammar. I feel excited when I start a good book or have a whole day alone to spend with a book and my computer.
3. What part of you is most touched or healed by submission?
The part of me that worries I am "too much" and no one will want/love all of me. When I am completely owned, conquered, submitted to someone who has put forth the effort and work and demonstrated the strength of mind, body, and will to obliviate me, I know I am wanted, loved, cherished. I know I will not be left by someone who has put in that much effort to have me. It heals me fears of being left or unwanted.
4. What part of you is most challenged or repulsed?
I am most challenged by being submissive when I submit myself, rather than being conquered. Just hoping that this gift will be appreciated and seen as worth the work and effort, instead of knowing.
5. When you share your core with someone, in the right hands, it thrives. In the wrong hands, it withers. What makes your core thrive? What makes it wither?
Being hurt by those who profess to love me, especially when they hurl insults at me and tear down who I am in my core, that makes me wither.
6. What do you do, if anything, to keep tabs on your core, so that you may be growing and evolving, but not changing or compromising it for someone? What internal measuring sticks do you utilize to keep your inner being in tact while submitting, and how do you communicate it to your dominant/master/etc. if you feel you are being compromised?
I try to talk to him if I feel I am being compromised. I am always very open with him; what I like, don't like, want, desire, need, fear, am drawn by, attracted to, or both. I blog and read blogs and reflect to keep tabs on my core.
7. Do you protect your core? Do you feel you need to? And if you do, what measures do you take to do so?
I do sometimes, when I feel my Dom is not fully conquering me, I withdraw. I know I will get hurt if he is not wanting to draw me out and pursue me. I get quiet, I share less with him, when he asks what I'm thinking I say "Nothing" or shrug it off, I try to pretend I do not want his dominance, I don't mention it and just wait to see what he will do instead of putting myself out there and asking for it.
7/06/2012
Things are Improving
Thank to to all of you who commented on my previous post with words of encouragement and support. It really means a lot to me.
The great news is, that sad and very unhappy blog has sparked a truly great conversation in our relationship!
I didn't write anything on here that I hadn't already said to my Dom. Several times, actually. But sometimes, a change in medium helps. I personally write much better than I talk. I can think out my answers and thoughts better, I'm better at expressing myself through writing, and--most importantly--I stay organized, instead of going off on tangents that become arguments that become fights. When I talk I get wrapped up in the emotion of it all, the hidden meanings, the tones, the judgment I feel. Writing I do much better.
After I wrote that blog, I felt like a great wall had just arisen between my Dom and me. We had talked about it and talked about it, and we didn't seem to be going anywhere. I felt hurt and alone and angry and said, and I said as much.
When he called me from work, I was quiet and distant. I told him I was "fine." I said I was blogging. I have several blogs, and I hadn't written on this one in a long time, so I assumed he wouldn't know which one or have time to read it regardless.
A few hours later, he said he had read my blog. I felt surprised and a little embarrassed. He said, "You said you were blogging, and I knew what you were doing. I went on my phone and read it. I want to talk about it again."
Well, we'd already talked about it. I didn't want to talk anymore. I was hurt and sad.
So, to my great happiness, he decided to write me an email. When we were dating we used to write huge, long emails to each other. I love written letters! They make me feel so much more loved and cared for than regular spoken words. I adore the time and effort that goes into writing a letter. I can read and re-read the words at will. They seem so romantic and sweet. And, important for me, I can read things unemotionally, rather than imagining I hear judgment and censure via someone's tone.
I was greatly looking forward to his email. I waited and waited. Finally, it came!
His email did not magically solve all our problems. But he did go through my blog, copied and pasted it, and then responded to each section in turn. He told me how he felt. He explained his frustrations and reservations. And, something that doesn't happen in our talks-that-become-fights, he made sure to say "That's true" and "Thank you" to the things I actually do well. That rarely happens when we talk; it all becomes defensive and negative and we both blame each other. But this email also included his words of appreciation and thanks for me becoming less critical, for me trying to appreciate him, for the times I do submit as I should. It made it much easier to hear the rest of what he had to say.
I eagerly wrote back. I defended myself. I let myself get angry and defensive, because on paper it comes across as so honest and upfront, not so hateful and angry as my tone gets about the same thing when we talk verbally.
It really let us get things aired out, discuss our grudges and negative feelings, without getting sidetracked into a terrible fight with a cycle of blame, blame, blame.
After a few emails, I had arrived to my destination for the night and he was tired of emailing. (Much as I love love love letters and emails, my Dom really prefers words.... faster and easier.) So at midnight I called him and we talked. We talked for almost 2 hours. We talked and talked and talked like we did back when we were dating and newly in love and we would just chat for hours.
Sure, there were times he was frustrated. He was angry. So was I. But because we'd read each other's emails, we were able to know where the other was coming from and understand it. I was able to say things like, "You're right. I'm sorry, and I'll work on that," instead of, "Oh yeah?! Well, YOU do THIS!" And I was also able to ask him, "Do you at least understand where I'm coming from?" and he was finally able to tell me yes.
He finally made me understand that he doesn't hate BDSM. He just hates feeling like I'm never happy. I pointed out that I do try to give him constructive, not negative, criticism, and he needs to be able to take that. And I am happy with BDSM sometimes.
One of his biggest issues he feeling like he can't trust me. He says I always wanted "more," but then I would refuse to use my safeword. He was afraid to give me "more" because he was afraid he would really damage me. I said it is hard to me to use my safeword; I want to seem tough or strong. But I know that's silly and using my safeword is not a sign of weakness. And I finally could understand how he maybe was not being as intense or rough with me as he wanted, because he was afraid he'd go too far and wouldn't know if I wouldn't use my safeword. This made me feel better, because I always just thought he was "weak" and "not dominating enough" and that he did not want a BDSM lifestyle like I did. And, of course, I admitted it was my fault for not using my safeword and I know that is something I can do more.
We still need to really work out a few things. For example, how can I tell him what I want without him feeling criticized and shutting off from BDSM? How can we find a balance between me giving in to him and him conquering me? He wants me to submit, but I want him to conquer me forcefully. We haven't come up with a solution to that yet. It's been an issue for months and maybe years, and of course we haven't solved it in one night.
But we did talk. We came to some understandings.
And most importantly, I once again feel hopeful that maybe we do want similar things from BDSM. Maybe, if I use my safeword, he will be rougher with me and not be afraid of hurting me. Maybe he can finally use me and break me and put the pieces back together, trusting me to let him know if he ever goes too far. Maybe he will feel free to "hurt" me but not "damage" me.
That is what I want. I want more, deeper, scarier, more intense. It is not abuse because if I did not trust him 100% and know he loves me 100%, I would never be okay with him treating me this way. I would never let a stranger treat me like that; it would be abuse or rape. But with my husband, where I am safe and loved and I know he will always respect my safeword, I want to be pushed and hurt and torn apart and then lovingly put back together by a man I know loves me enough to stay around and pick up the pieces. I want to share that with him.
And the good news is, for the first time, I am excited to see my Dom. Excited to think that maybe we will be "intimate" and it will be sexy and fun and rough and intimate. I am actually looking forward to it! Because he never seems so attractive to me as when I feel like he's going to dominate me.
I hope my wishes come true and I don't get disappointed again. :-/
I hope we are heading somewhere good. I wanted to let my readers know that I am okay. We are okay. I hope we will be heading in a good direction together.
I will keep you updated! :-)
The great news is, that sad and very unhappy blog has sparked a truly great conversation in our relationship!
I didn't write anything on here that I hadn't already said to my Dom. Several times, actually. But sometimes, a change in medium helps. I personally write much better than I talk. I can think out my answers and thoughts better, I'm better at expressing myself through writing, and--most importantly--I stay organized, instead of going off on tangents that become arguments that become fights. When I talk I get wrapped up in the emotion of it all, the hidden meanings, the tones, the judgment I feel. Writing I do much better.
After I wrote that blog, I felt like a great wall had just arisen between my Dom and me. We had talked about it and talked about it, and we didn't seem to be going anywhere. I felt hurt and alone and angry and said, and I said as much.
When he called me from work, I was quiet and distant. I told him I was "fine." I said I was blogging. I have several blogs, and I hadn't written on this one in a long time, so I assumed he wouldn't know which one or have time to read it regardless.
A few hours later, he said he had read my blog. I felt surprised and a little embarrassed. He said, "You said you were blogging, and I knew what you were doing. I went on my phone and read it. I want to talk about it again."
Well, we'd already talked about it. I didn't want to talk anymore. I was hurt and sad.
So, to my great happiness, he decided to write me an email. When we were dating we used to write huge, long emails to each other. I love written letters! They make me feel so much more loved and cared for than regular spoken words. I adore the time and effort that goes into writing a letter. I can read and re-read the words at will. They seem so romantic and sweet. And, important for me, I can read things unemotionally, rather than imagining I hear judgment and censure via someone's tone.
I was greatly looking forward to his email. I waited and waited. Finally, it came!
His email did not magically solve all our problems. But he did go through my blog, copied and pasted it, and then responded to each section in turn. He told me how he felt. He explained his frustrations and reservations. And, something that doesn't happen in our talks-that-become-fights, he made sure to say "That's true" and "Thank you" to the things I actually do well. That rarely happens when we talk; it all becomes defensive and negative and we both blame each other. But this email also included his words of appreciation and thanks for me becoming less critical, for me trying to appreciate him, for the times I do submit as I should. It made it much easier to hear the rest of what he had to say.
I eagerly wrote back. I defended myself. I let myself get angry and defensive, because on paper it comes across as so honest and upfront, not so hateful and angry as my tone gets about the same thing when we talk verbally.
It really let us get things aired out, discuss our grudges and negative feelings, without getting sidetracked into a terrible fight with a cycle of blame, blame, blame.
After a few emails, I had arrived to my destination for the night and he was tired of emailing. (Much as I love love love letters and emails, my Dom really prefers words.... faster and easier.) So at midnight I called him and we talked. We talked for almost 2 hours. We talked and talked and talked like we did back when we were dating and newly in love and we would just chat for hours.
Sure, there were times he was frustrated. He was angry. So was I. But because we'd read each other's emails, we were able to know where the other was coming from and understand it. I was able to say things like, "You're right. I'm sorry, and I'll work on that," instead of, "Oh yeah?! Well, YOU do THIS!" And I was also able to ask him, "Do you at least understand where I'm coming from?" and he was finally able to tell me yes.
He finally made me understand that he doesn't hate BDSM. He just hates feeling like I'm never happy. I pointed out that I do try to give him constructive, not negative, criticism, and he needs to be able to take that. And I am happy with BDSM sometimes.
One of his biggest issues he feeling like he can't trust me. He says I always wanted "more," but then I would refuse to use my safeword. He was afraid to give me "more" because he was afraid he would really damage me. I said it is hard to me to use my safeword; I want to seem tough or strong. But I know that's silly and using my safeword is not a sign of weakness. And I finally could understand how he maybe was not being as intense or rough with me as he wanted, because he was afraid he'd go too far and wouldn't know if I wouldn't use my safeword. This made me feel better, because I always just thought he was "weak" and "not dominating enough" and that he did not want a BDSM lifestyle like I did. And, of course, I admitted it was my fault for not using my safeword and I know that is something I can do more.
We still need to really work out a few things. For example, how can I tell him what I want without him feeling criticized and shutting off from BDSM? How can we find a balance between me giving in to him and him conquering me? He wants me to submit, but I want him to conquer me forcefully. We haven't come up with a solution to that yet. It's been an issue for months and maybe years, and of course we haven't solved it in one night.
But we did talk. We came to some understandings.
And most importantly, I once again feel hopeful that maybe we do want similar things from BDSM. Maybe, if I use my safeword, he will be rougher with me and not be afraid of hurting me. Maybe he can finally use me and break me and put the pieces back together, trusting me to let him know if he ever goes too far. Maybe he will feel free to "hurt" me but not "damage" me.
That is what I want. I want more, deeper, scarier, more intense. It is not abuse because if I did not trust him 100% and know he loves me 100%, I would never be okay with him treating me this way. I would never let a stranger treat me like that; it would be abuse or rape. But with my husband, where I am safe and loved and I know he will always respect my safeword, I want to be pushed and hurt and torn apart and then lovingly put back together by a man I know loves me enough to stay around and pick up the pieces. I want to share that with him.
And the good news is, for the first time, I am excited to see my Dom. Excited to think that maybe we will be "intimate" and it will be sexy and fun and rough and intimate. I am actually looking forward to it! Because he never seems so attractive to me as when I feel like he's going to dominate me.
I hope my wishes come true and I don't get disappointed again. :-/
I hope we are heading somewhere good. I wanted to let my readers know that I am okay. We are okay. I hope we will be heading in a good direction together.
I will keep you updated! :-)
7/05/2012
Abuse, Intimacy, and BDSM
I've been reading the genius S&M feminist writer Clarisse Thorn once again. Her post, "S&M Aftercare... or Brainwashing?" was, as always for Clarisse, a gem. She is such a great writer and does a great job with tough topics like BDSM and abuse, rape, and nonconsent.
This post was all about the similarities between BDSM and abuse and how to tell the difference. There are many articles about this on the web, and it's a popular topic for bloggers. I'm proud of the BDSM community for working so hard to make clear boundaries of what is and is not abuse to keep its members safer.
Clarisse Thorn bravely points out that having an orgasm or enjoying a sexual act does not mean you gave your consent. She quotes one of her readers:
The above quote can help us let go of some of our guilt. How can we want it and not want it at the same time? Well... we just can.
Studies have shown that those who practice BDSM are no more likely to have been abused in the past than the general population. However, for those of us who have been abused, it's possible BDSM gives us a safe place to work through unsafe experiences. Clarisse Thorn continues quoting this woman, who said:
My first sexual experiences were not consensual. This left me feeling that sex is gross, disgusting, and something that men to when they hate you. Sex = used. I'm learning that my Dom loves me, does not use me, and does not use sex to overpower me or hurt me. That's nice. But when I know I can trust him, that he is not, in fact, abusing me, I still struggle with craving "abusive" sex. I may not enjoy sex by itself, but I love knowing he is using me, enjoying me, abusing me. Mentally, I enjoy it. That translates into the physical, making sex much better than it could ever be just physically.
Clarisse herself goes on to conclude:
I do use BDSM to process past trauma. Not all the time. Sometimes it's just fun, sexy, about achieving the "high" of subspace, feeling owned and relaxed.
But sometimes. Sometimes I feel more wanted if he takes it from me. Sometimes I feel more loved if he makes me cry, then holds me. Sometimes I feel more secure if he's mean to me, then nice to me.
Because then I know what to expect.
I've already blogged about how the BDSM relationship between my Dom and me helps me deal with my mental illnesses. In times of stress, depression, or anxiety, especially when for whatever reason I can't be on medicine or the medicine isn't working, I rely on his power, on our BDSM, to keep me sane. I need that. It keeps me centered. He can control me when I can't.
I need that.
This post was all about the similarities between BDSM and abuse and how to tell the difference. There are many articles about this on the web, and it's a popular topic for bloggers. I'm proud of the BDSM community for working so hard to make clear boundaries of what is and is not abuse to keep its members safer.
Clarisse Thorn bravely points out that having an orgasm or enjoying a sexual act does not mean you gave your consent. She quotes one of her readers:
And part of that mechanism, that involves the desire for the abuse to continue, is that many of us are designed to want more intimacy once intimacy has been initiated with a person. Many of us don’t want to be left.This is terrifying and real for those of us who have been abused. You hate it, but you want more of it. You hate it, but you enjoy it. You hate it, but you are aroused by it. You hate it, but you have an orgasm from it. You hate it, but you feel loved and desired anyway.
The above quote can help us let go of some of our guilt. How can we want it and not want it at the same time? Well... we just can.
Studies have shown that those who practice BDSM are no more likely to have been abused in the past than the general population. However, for those of us who have been abused, it's possible BDSM gives us a safe place to work through unsafe experiences. Clarisse Thorn continues quoting this woman, who said:
For some number of people who have experienced abuse, the greatest split within the self does not simply come from how horrific the acts themselves were but from the feelings of desire and pleasure that can happen in human beings even during horrific unwanted acts. For some of us, BDSM can be a safe way to explore unpacking some of this desire and how these arousal patterns got mixed up with horrific things — or were already hooked up to horrific things and that pre-existing fact was exploited by a harmful person.Can I just say, "YES!"? Sometimes I want to be insulted and hurt. Because that is how my twisted childhood went: love, insult, hurt, love. My basic understanding of love is that it is stronger after hurt. Cycle of abuse? You bet. Still the best way for me to feel love? Yep.
My first sexual experiences were not consensual. This left me feeling that sex is gross, disgusting, and something that men to when they hate you. Sex = used. I'm learning that my Dom loves me, does not use me, and does not use sex to overpower me or hurt me. That's nice. But when I know I can trust him, that he is not, in fact, abusing me, I still struggle with craving "abusive" sex. I may not enjoy sex by itself, but I love knowing he is using me, enjoying me, abusing me. Mentally, I enjoy it. That translates into the physical, making sex much better than it could ever be just physically.
Clarisse herself goes on to conclude:
I do use BDSM to process past trauma. Not all the time. Sometimes it's just fun, sexy, about achieving the "high" of subspace, feeling owned and relaxed.
But sometimes. Sometimes I feel more wanted if he takes it from me. Sometimes I feel more loved if he makes me cry, then holds me. Sometimes I feel more secure if he's mean to me, then nice to me.
Because then I know what to expect.
I've already blogged about how the BDSM relationship between my Dom and me helps me deal with my mental illnesses. In times of stress, depression, or anxiety, especially when for whatever reason I can't be on medicine or the medicine isn't working, I rely on his power, on our BDSM, to keep me sane. I need that. It keeps me centered. He can control me when I can't.
I need that.
There is no evidence that abuse creates a desire for S&M — but there’s also nothing wrong with people who use S&M to process past trauma.
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