He Trains Me Because He Loves Me

A few days ago, my Dom put me into subspace with just a few words.

I was so impressed by this that I felt the need to write a blog about it.

I feel close to him when he gives me a new rule or talks to me about my training. It gives me a dreamy, safe feeling just like subspace. It's really sexy to me and I can quickly descend into subspace from there.

On the other hand, I don't get all subby and dreamy just based on any words. He can give me a general command, like to go pack his lunch or to quit whining or just something he wants done that day. They don't really do much for me. Oh, I understand they do something for our relationship, like giving me practice submitting and showing his dominance in little ways, but they generally make me scowl or whine before doing them, not get dreamy and turned on.

Obviously, we're still working on the submitting part and we still have a ways to go on the submitting with a good attitude part.

But when he gives me a new rule, or discusses my training with me, I find it very sexy. When we wrote out our CDD rules a few years ago, I was so turned on by the end I thought I would die. (Of course, the actual implementation of those rules was way less sexy in real life!)

Why do I get dreamy and see him as my Prince Charming?

I think it's because he's engaging in our relationship. He's showing initiative and leadership. I like both those things. They make me respect him more. And respect, in my experience, breeds love and intimacy, not to mention goodwill and attraction. When he tells me a new rule, answers all my questions about it firmly and without backing down, and already has a plan in place to discipline me if I don't obey it in a certain amount of time, I feel loved and cherished. This means he put time and thought into coming up with a boundary. This means he loves me and cares about me as a person, because he has taken the time to analyze my weaknesses and devise a plan to tackle it. This means he is showing active leadership, loving me and leading me into a better marriage for us and a better life for me. He hasn't waited for me to say, "I noticed I've been gossiping a lot lately; I really need to stop." Instead, he has paid attention to me on his own, noticed some stumbling block in my own development or my relationship with God or him or someone else, and all on his own decided I was important enough for him to step in and steer things in a more positive direction.

I really can't imagine being more loved and cherished than that.

Sense of Humor Required

Sometimes, my husband is able to give me so much grace in our relationship. Lately, even when I test and struggle, he always usually engages and wins. I'm starting to struggle against him less. We're starting to have more peace in our relationship. I respect him more and our sex life is better than I ever thought it would be.

Even so, D/s in real life isn't the same as D/s in fantasy. Grace and forgiveness are still needed.

Let's just say his sense of humor still comes in handy.

Today, we had a great, amazing, awesome scene. As he left for work, adoring wife hanging on his neck and even packing his lunch for him, he smiled and said goodbye. "Goodbye, my little tester," he chuckled. "I'll see you tomorrow."

I know myself well enough to know that after we've delved into new and deeper levels of submission, the next day I tend to test him more. It's not that I mean to, but it happens. Apparently, he knew, too.

"You know?" I asked, looking slightly ashamed.

He just smiled. "That's what makes this real," he said.

I pondered how true that was. D/s the way you read about it on the internet and in erotica makes it seem so easy and seamless. The sub walks around in perpetual subspace and the Dom always demands--and gets--perfect obedience. They just waltz from flogging to training to commands to orgasm, a kinky merry-go-round without end.

But in real life, things can look different. I'll get mouthy. I'll get depressed and anxious. He'll be tired or forget to punish a "test." I'll accuse him of being inconsistent. He'll accuse me of not submitting. We have to work at TTWD.

It's real-life, 24/7. It takes work. It takes mistakes.

Mistakes take grace and a sense of humor.

Today, he gave me a new rule. I'm to do devotional time, 10 minutes a day, 5 days a week. On the weekends, I'm to write a devotional journal.

I like this rule. This is the routine I had when I was a new Christian, and it worked well for me. I tend to get flighty and not pay attention in church, but I flourish with routines and written communication and taking notes.

I like the basic rule, but I don't like the loss of freedom implied in a "rule."

"Is this a rule?" I asked.

"Yes."

"Can it not be a rule? I used to do it on my own," I reasoned.

"It has to be a rule. If it's not a rule, you won't do it and I won't be able to discipline you for it."

Fine. Maybe this could be a "rule" in name only with nothing to back it up. I checked to see. "Will you punish me if I don't do it?" I asked.

"Yes."

I started to pout. My lower lip actually protruded. "Whyyyy?" I whined.

He grinned. "So I can give you something to whine about," he chuckled.

As he intended, this stopped me mid-whine. I started to laugh. He was right. My whining was not going to change anything and it would probably just get old for both of us. Luckily, my man knew how to use humor to diffuse the situation.

Suddenly, I didn't want to whine or complain. I felt cared about and protected. Dominated. Safe. I wanted to kiss him. I wanted sex! (This never happened before we started full-time D/s.) This man next to me suddenly seemed very sexy and powerful. He was looking out for me. He was giving me boundaries. Gulp.

I rely on his strength. On his consistency. On his domination and security. But I also rely on his grace. On his forgiveness. On his sense of humor. On his ability to see past the serious and find the laughter.

That is why we make a good team.

Men Never Feeling Hot

I just read the article Of Never Feeling Hot: The Missing Narrative of Desire in Straight Men's Lives by Hugo Schwyzer.

It was pretty amazing.

He's a straight guy blogging about sex. One important thing he said was that a lot of straight men are never seen as desired. Women are seen as desirable, sexual objects who are physically attractive to men, and gay men are, too, but not straight men. They are seen as being judged by their character and achievements, but physically they are taught that, unless you look like Brad Pitt or Tom Cruise, women are never going to desire your body for physical reasons alone. I think this is shockingly true.

In our culture, we're raised to see men as valuable, but not desirable. The average male (not the Brad Pitts of the world, who are a very small minority) is valued for his work, his achievements, his stability and strength, but rarely his looks. The women in his life may make him feel that they appreciate how they can rely on him, how he provides for them, and how he loves them, but society rarely teaches us to show him how hot he is. Sexually, he may know how it feels to be appreciated for how good he makes her feel, but probably not just for being physically desired.

Most men do not look like Brad Pitt. Even the few who do will inevitably age and lose their looks. Certainly, a man's character and heart are far more important than just his looks. But we women, while we want to be seen as smart and successful and funny, also must admit that we love to be told how pretty or beautiful or hot we are. I love it when my husband compliments my body or how I look in a particular dress. Then why do we not reciprocate?


Do you let your husband know when he looks hot? When you want him sexually, not just because you're feeling "in the mood" anyway but because he inspires you to be horny? When you find him desirable and irresistable?

And if not, why not?

Disciplining Your Wife

I get tired of websites that decry Christians being involved in BDSM or DD. I think when it comes to BDSM, other Christians are offended both by the kinky-sex element and the inequality inherent in D/s and power-exchange relationships. When it comes to DD, CDD, and Taken in Hand, other Christians are offended by the idea of power exchange, especially discipling your wife.

I've dealt before with the issue of being Christian and having kinky sex. I don't see a cognitive dissonance between the two. Within marriage, I don't think God dictates that couples only enjoy vanilla sex.

I'll deal today with the second issue common to both BDSM and CDD: wifely discipline. You can find this topic addressed in Jewish, Christian, and Muslim religious traditions.

Any site you'll ever read for or against Christians disciplining their wives will quote that all-famous and ubiquitous verse, Ephesians 5:21-27. If you don't know it, here it is:

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.

Ephesians 5 clearly states that a woman doesn't need to submit to every man, but to her own husband. Yet advocates of egalitarian Christian marriages will try to invalidate Ephesians 5 by saying this means the man and woman are more or less equal, but perhaps he gets the final decision if they just can't agree, sort of like a 51/49 power relationship. While men and women are certainly equal in abilities, worth, and before God, this verse in no way makes them equal in power while on earth. A 51/49 relationship sounds nice, but it completely ignores that tricky quote, "wives should submit to their husbands in everything." Even the little stuff. Even if she doesn't want to. Even if they can't agree. So Biblically, I just don't think you can make a sound argument for a 49/51 power split. The man is in control, all the time. And with it comes a lot of responsibility to love your wife and create her to be a better Christian, "without stain or wrinkle."

Other Christians will try to explain away Ephesians 5 by saying that verse 21, "Submit to one another," means that God is looking for a 50/50, equal partnership. I argue that takes the quote completely out of context and ignores the following part. Rather, Paul is introducing his topic (submission). He then goes on to explain in great detail exactly how we are to submit: wives to their husbands in everything, children to their parents, and slaves to their masters.

What a lot of people don't realize is that Ephesians 5 is just the tip of the iceberg. There are other verses that clearly put the husband in charge of the wife. My Dom always says that troughout the Bible, God loves heirarchies. The angels are in heirarchies. The Israelite society has heirarchies. The Israelite army works in heirarchies. Families work in heirarchies. The chain of command goes like this: God, husband, wife, children.

Let's go beyond Ephesians 5 and see what other parts of the Bible have to say.

In Genesis 3:16, God said to Eve:

Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.”

Other translations say, "he will rule you" (GWT), "he will be your master," (BBE) or "he will have dominion over thee" (DRB). The meaning is clear.

In Titus 2:4, Paul gives women many instructions, including "to be subject to their husbands."

In Colossians 3:19, Paul tells wives:

Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.

Like in Ephesians, he then follows it with a reminder of the man's responsibility to love her and treat her well. Nowhere in the Bible is submission a free gift; it does come with responsibility!

If you want to make the argument that Ephesians, Titus, and Colossians are all written by that misogynist Paul, I offer you a quote from Peter, another leader of the early church and Jesus' best friend. Peter 3:1-5 says:

Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands...For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves. They submitted themselves to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord.

Paul here is referring to Genesis 18:12, where Sarah calls Abraham adon, the Hebrew word for lord, master, or owner. It's difficult for proponents of egalitarian Christian marriage to explain away how the words lord, master, and owner can be interpreted the same as husband--but they try because it's no longer politically correct to think of your husband as your master or owner.

I think it's interesting that in ancient Jewish culture, the endearment husbands used to refer to their wives, achoth and rayah, literally meant "sister" and "beloved female companion," respectively, while adon comes from a root meaning to rule, and can also mean a soveriegn, a Divine or human controller, or a lord, master, or owner. One clearly had the meaning of power and authority, while the other did not, though both were loving terms.

If you're curious what other religious traditions have to say about discipline, both the Jewish Bible (aka Christian Old Testament) and Koran mention discipline.

I've already quoted the Hebrew Bible when it comes to Genesis. It gives husbands the right to nullify their wives' vows or forbid them from fulfilling a vow in Numbers 30:6-8, a clear indication of their power in the relationship. In Deuteronomy 22:28-29 and Exodus 22:16, a man who raped a maiden had to pay her father a dowry and marry her; in essence, he bought her from her father and she became his. The Hebrew Bible also compares Israel to God's wife and shows Him disciplining her, both physically and emotionally. One example I love (because it speaks mostly of God's forgiveness and mercy) of God's metaphorical "marriage" to Israel is Hosea 2, where He disciplines her until she repents and returns to Him, and then showers her with love:

“Rebuke your mother, rebuke her,
for she is not my wife,
and I am not her husband.
Let her remove the adulterous look from her face
and the unfaithfulness from between her breasts.
Otherwise I will strip her naked
and make her as bare as on the day she was born;
I will make her like a desert,
turn her into a parched land,
and slay her with thirst.
I will not show my love to her children,
because they are the children of adultery.
Their mother has been unfaithful
and has conceived them in disgrace.
She said, ‘I will go after my lovers,
who give me my food and my water,
my wool and my linen, my olive oil and my drink.’
Therefore I will block her path with thornbushes;
I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way.
She will chase after her lovers but not catch them;
she will look for them but not find them.
Then she will say, ‘I will go back to my husband as at first,
for then I was better off than now.’

These verses speak of God disciplining His wife, stripping her of privileges and punishing her until she has no choice but to return to Him, repentant. But the story ends happily; later in the same chapter, Hosea 2:14-19 says:

Therefore I am now going to allure her;
I will lead her into the wilderness
and speak tenderly to her.

...I will betroth you to me forever;
I will betroth you in righteousness and justice,
in love and compassion.
I will betroth you in faithfulness,
and you will acknowledge the LORD.

Just like every CDD and DD site says, the point of discipline in this Judeo-Christian text is to rebuke and exhort, teach a lesson, get rid of the negative, sinful behavior, and replace it with godly behavior. It's not just abuse. The end goal is reconciliation with God and husband.

In the Islamic faith, the Koran clearly gives husbands the right to discipline their wives in although other verses also clarify that husbands must not be abusive and must be loving to their wives. Here's Sura 4:34:

Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has given the one more strength than the other, and because they support them from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in the husband's absence what Allah would have them guard. As to those women on whose part ye fear disloyalty and ill-conduct, admonish them first. Next, refuse to share their beds, and last beat them; but if they return to obedience, seek not against them Means of annoyance: For Allah is Most High, great above you all.

The theme of discipline in marriage is just one I've been exploring and researching lately. Just because people in these cultures follow (or followed) these traditions doesn't mean everyone has to, but it's worth taking a look at where these concepts came from and how they are practiced today.

How to Start Your Own Sub Training

In my earlier post on sub training, I stated that I think it's best if a Master creates his own training program for his wife. Whether you call it rules or training, it makes sense for you to have control over what changes your wife makes and how she acts when in service to you.

You should take into consideration many things when creating a training program.

How will the training program be completed?

Will you write down a list of rules? Will both of you sign a contract? Will you give her a general topic to work on and research herself and report back to you, or will you do the research yourself and then teach it to her? Will your training program be printed, like worksheets and instructions kept in a folder, or verbal? Or, will you use email and blogs to send her assignments and receive her responses?

Will you use an online training program (such as Master David's or Gorean rules) or slave training manual (such as Miss Abernathy's or Master Nage's books) as a template, or create your own training from scratch? While these resources or the 128 Basic Slave Rules may be a good place to get ideas, they mostly apply to the leather or M/s community, and I encourage you to create your own specific training program that is tailored to the needs of your sub and your plans for your marriage together.

How long will the training program take?

Training is ongoing, since I've never heard of a sub that completely stopped testing limits, even in 20-year relationships. However, the idea is that initial training should be more rigorous to help your sub un-learn old habits and really solidify newer, positive ones. Then you can just keep maintaining the training she's already learned and adding new components as necessary.

For each specific goal, you need to decide how long you want training to take. Depending on how difficult a task is, your slave's personality, and how ingrained her old habits are, this could be weeks or months. Make the easier, simpler skills have a shorter "due date" than the more difficult ones. Having a set timeline is important; this ensures that when life gets busy, you don't both just stagnate and let the training stall indefinitely.

How will you keep tabs on her progress?

You'll need to keep tabs on her progress each day and week. I'd advise daily check-ins for some things (either tasks she completes daily, or that she struggles a lot with) and weekly for others. How often will you check in with her? How will you keep tabs? Will she email you her progress, including rules she's broken, or keep a private blog for you? Will she keep a journal or create a slave training folder for you to read? Will she text you throughout the day with her progress? Will you set a time each night to discuss it together?

What kind of person do you want her to be?

Since you are the Dom, you have ultimate say in what goes into her training and what doesn't, no matter what online sub training and DD websites say or don't say you should do. Look at your wife. What aspects of her personality are really great and should be kept? Which ones are negative and should definitely go? Which personality traits, skills, talents, and dreams does she have that maybe she is too afraid or shy or unaware to develop herself, and how can you help her develop them?

What kind of person does God want her to be?

I can't stress enough that, at least for people who adhere to a specific religion, it matters far less what kind of person you want her to be than who God wants her to be. For Christians, her relationship with Christ is the most important one of her life. He created her, He knew her before you knew her, He made her the person she is today, and only He can take care of her should you leave this world before she does. When she dies, she'll do it alone with only Him to help her.

When creating a training program, if you are a Christian, you must take into account Biblical commands and guidance. It doesn't matter how much you want her to be in a gang bang, because the Bible is clear that's not okay. Look at the Bible to see what kind of person God wants her to be. Does she struggle with common sins, such as worry, gossip, drunkeness, idleness, etc.? If you're going to lead her to be more like Christ, you have to know your Bible and you have to make sure your training aligns with it.

What kind of person does she want to be?

She's given you a great honor by giving you authority over her. Respect her wishes. What kind of woman does she want to grow into, under your guidance?

What is good and healthy for her and your relationship?

Many Doms will include emotional and physical health in training. Physically, does she need to exercise, stop smoking, or eat better? Does she need to eat more or less? Does she have a history of eating disorders?

Emotionally, does she have any past issues that are hindering your relationship together? Many women come to marriages scarred by past emotional or physical abuse. This may manifest in unhealthy behaviors such as lack of trust, emotional withdrawl, insecurity or jealousy, the silent treatment, or a nasty temper.

Everyone has self-defense mechanisms we use as a response to past hurts and to protect ourselves from being hurt again. In a marriage, those self-defense strategies often have the unintended effect of closing down communication. What self-defense mechanisms does your wife use? Silent treatment? Sulking? Criticizing? Yelling? Blaming? Closing off emotionally? Be aware of them and use training as a way to break down those bad habits and open the doors for increased intimacy and communication.

Can you stay consistent?

Don't even bother starting training if you aren't going to have time for it. If you're too busy at work or tend to be the kind of guy who forgets to follow through and lets things slide, this isn't for you. If you can't provide clear-cut guidelines for her and maintain daily or periodic check-ups to monitor her progress and provide feedback, correction, punishment, and encouragement, you'll just send the message that your relationship and her training aren't important to you.

Let me say it again: If the rules aren't important enough to enforce, they aren't important enough for you to make them in the first place.

How will you provide feedback, positive reinforcement, and consequences?

Will you provide feedback verbally, via email, text, blog, letter, or a mixture? How often will you give her feedback? It's also a good idea to set up specific "mini-goals" within each goal. For instance, if your goal is for her to be sexually available to you 100% of the time within a month, you might set a mini-goal that you will surprise her with a sexual request every 3 days at first. Eventually, you can increase your demands until you reach your all-the-time goal.

If she reaches her mini-goals, what positive reinforcement will she get? This can be as simple as praise or something more concrete like a gift from you. (I know one slave who receives a symbolic charm for each training element she successfully completes.) If she doesn't reach her mini-goals and long-term goals, what will the punishment be? It's important to set it out for her so she knows in advance what to expect.

How will you meausure each specific goal?

Goals have to specific. Something like, "In 1 month, you will be more respectful to me," is impossible to measure and therefore impossible to know if the training was successful. If you want her to improve in the area of respect, for example, make it something specific, such as, "You will not use insulting names to refer to me" or "You will keep your tone respectful in front of the children." Be specific about what exactly you want to see change. Also, make sure you can measure a goal. "You will be sexually available to me" is not measurable, but "You will be available for anal sex each night before bed" is. At the beginning, you may reward her for 80% success, but as training continues, she should get to 90 and then 100%.

How will you keep training ongoing?

Once the initial training is complete, you can't just expect her to never make a mistake again. Sometimes she will forget and make a mistake. And sometimes she will test you on purpose. Don't let all your hard work be for nothing by letting her slack off once the training is complete. You still need to make sure she is staying true to the new behaviors she's learned by communicating with her, letting her know when you see a problem, and providing immediate correction if she slips up.

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If you consider all these areas before you start your sub training, you'll have a good foundation to build upon.

I'm not going to tell you what rules you should make for your slave, because I don't know you or your slave. However, these are some general areas you should consider before designing your training program.