Training a Sub

The phrase "training a slave" or "training a sub" always gets my Dom's goat. I think he sees it distasteful, like training a dog or a horse. Obviously, a slave is not a dumb animal.

I try to look at it more as "training" that we might encounter in our jobs or in the workplace. Training is a way our bosses make sure we are on the same page with the rest of the company: we know how to do things according to company policy, we understand how this particular job needs to be done, and we get familiar with what's expected of us by our bosses.

In D/s, some people also call this "breaking a slave." You can think of it as similar to training a horse, which is a beautiful, intelligent animal that also happens to be wild and fierce when unbroken. I think women are much the same way.

According to Submissive Guide:

Training is meant to adjust the slave’s core attitudes and behaviors to be more in tune with the Master. It certainly seems that as slaves, we do pass a point where the major force of our resistance and self-defensive mechanisms, the shell, is broken, and we enter a state of pliancy and moldability for our owners.

The training we undergo is also a from of breaking in. You will be told what is expected of you, learn the right and wrong way to go about certain tasks and anything else that the Master wishes to enhance or downplay in your manner or behavior. [emphasis mine]

Training is simply another word for learning or education. In a very simple sense, it could be considered "training" when my Dom tells me he wants me to get him a cup of coffee in the morning and to soap him down in the shower. These are behaviors I didn't use to do, so I have to practice them and he has to make sure I don't slip back into my old habits. A more complex form of training would be teaching me to submit to sex whenever he requests it or to submit to anal sex for a sub who says that's a limit.

Luna K gives a good example of training a sub: Perhaps your Dom wants you to receive your punishments in silence, without crying or speaking or moving. If your natural tendency is to fight, beg, scream, or cry, he'll have to train you to exhibit the behavior he prefers.

If your Master has preferences on how you will speak, dress, or act, that's training. If he has preferences on how he wants his dinner prepared every time, that's training. It's simply learning what he wants and changing your behavior to fit that.

It is important to note that training doesn't mean you wipe away your sub or slave's personality. You aren't creating a different person; you are simply teaching new, positive behaviors and eradicating old, negative ones. For instance, my Dom likes that I am playful and cheeky; he does not want to train me into a mindless, silent slave, but he does want me to be obedient and respectful while maintaining my spirit and wit. This requires him to train me, showing me which of my natural behaviors he wants me to express freely and which negative or self-destructive ones he wants me to outgrow.

There are on-line training programs, but I think it's better if each Master devises his own training program for his wife. This way, training is unique to each couple and guaranteed to be worth the work. There's no point spending time learning rules and behaviors that neither of you really care about, while possibly skipping some new behaviors that your Master would really like you to learn.

It's important to remember that training takes work on the part of both people. Deciding upon rules and behaviors, planning a training program, deciding how long to give each goal and how to measure each goal's success or failure, plus providing rewards and consequences for new behaviors is a lot of work. Please note that if you are going to train a sub, you must be entirely consistent. You cannot set forth a training program and then forget to check your sub's progress along the way and expect her to come out successful. You must be willing to be engaged in every step of the process, oversee how her training is going each day, and provide constant feedback and correction.

My Pattern of Submission

I'm becoming aware of a pattern I have that allows me to either sink into subspace, and acquiese sexually to my Dom in the bedroom, or that keeps me from letting go of that last bit of mental control and submitting fully.

As I understand it, here's the pattern:

1. Top-space. This is the normal, vanilla headspace where I live most of my life. Here, I am more independent and free-thinking, although I still submit to my husband at times.



2. Relaxation. As an abuse survivor, it is hard for me to relax before sex. Even when I want sex. My tendency is to get tense. I try to take deep breaths and focus, but it isn't in my control. My Dom will often do things to help me relax, such as talking to me, reminding me to breathe and relax, or stroking me soothingly. If those still don't work, he can usually get me to relax by distracting me (making me focus on pleasing him, for instance) or making me feel physically controlled (by tying me up, handcuffing me, pinching my nipples, choking me, or forcing his fingers down my throat).



3. Desire to Be Hurt. Once I am finally relaxed or distracted, I am often struck by an inexplicable desire for him to hurt me. I'm sure a psychologist would have a field day with this admission! But instead of desiring physical pleasure (which is, I guess, what society says I am "supposed" to feel after I relax and before sex), I long to be hurt. I wish he would choke me, or torture my nipples, or pull my hair. I want him to make me in service to him and I want him to demonstrate his power over me. I also want to know that he wants to hurt me.



4. Being Hurt. If he hurts me, my pain will increase at first, and then decrease without explanation. Suddenly, my body releases endorphins and I descend into a much deeper relaxation than before. I start to float toward subspace, and hover just outside it.



5. Being Pushed. I usually just need one more big shove at this point to put me into subspace. I'll hover there, expectant and longing. He can do many things to give me this "big push." He can talk to me, telling me how he owns me. This is more a mental domination. Or he can hurt me more, which is especially effective if he also tells me how much he enjoys hurting me and how much it turns him on, and if he forces me to explain to him how much I am hurting. This is both pain-based and mental domination. Either the dirty talk or the pain, in a large enough dose, will give me that big push I need to enter into full submission.



6. Wanting Pleasure. In this level, I'm in subspace and I am greedy to experience everything he has to offer. I could lie there happily and take hours and hours of pain or pleasure (or both!). Here, pain no longer registers as pain and usually feels very sexual and pleasurable. I can take much higher doses of pain in this stage as well, and am often disappointed because he'll stop when "Topspace me" would be maxed out, but well before "Subspace me" is done.



7. Wanting to Serve. Once my greedy submissive desires have been sated, I also want to serve him. I am still in subspace, but now I'm feeling how much I love him and how grateful I am for all that delicious pain and pleasure he's just given me. In this stage, I'll do completely un-"Topspace me" like things like beg to serve him sexually, draw him a bath, or make him lunch. Usually, he has to force me to do these things!



8. Floating Down. Once we're done in the bedroom, I still feel submissive to him for several hours afterward. I stick to him like glue in public, get up to get him drinks or snacks, and worry a lot more about how he wants me to wear my hair, makeup, or clothes. Again, in Topspace, I'm more independent than this, so he thoroughly enjoys it!



9. Subdrop. The sad epilogue of a truly great scene. After I come floating off of my subspace cloud, I long to re-start the process (which is easier to jumpstart from Stage 8 than Stage 1) and feel it again. If we don't have time or he is at work, I eventually get sad and mopey. I long to feel subspace again. Sometimes I'll get emotional and grouchy, or test him to try to get my "submissive high" again.



10. Normal Topspace. Eventually, I go back to normal, which is basically Stage 1.

This pattern may be something other subs experience or it may not; it is, however, definitely the stages as I've noticed I go through them. It only really applies to sexual submission, as outside the bedroom I can easily get him lunch or do his laundry while still in top-space.

If there is a breakdown at some stage of the pattern (usually Stage 2, 3, or 4 are the places we get stalled), it's impossible for me to get into subspace or be that willing sexual submissive he wants me to be. It may be because of my history; an inability to relax before sex or feel pleasure without being dominated and hurt can definitely hijack the normal process of sexual arousal. Yet I know many kinksters who prefer sex with pain and/or domination, so I don't think it can be 100% attributed to an abusive past.

Either way, I'm not sure why I do TTWD, but this is what works for me.

Barriers on the Road to Surrender

Subs may hit road bumps on the way to submission. Whether your immediate goal is getting her to subspace, punishing her, or simply getting her to relax, you will doubtless hit these bumps in the road. Sometimes they are small bumps, things that you notice but don't really hinder the journey. Sometimes they are full-on barriers in the road and you have to stop the car and remove the barrier before you can keep driving.

Some barriers are doubtless in your slave's control. Some of them are probably not; these are the instinctual, emotional, or even habitual responses. Eventually, these can become unlearned, but that will take training and consistency on your part.

Here are some things that can hinder subs from fully submitting:

• Fear. This is at the root of all the other barriers! Whether a sub is stubbornly telling you no, swearing her remorse if you stop caning her, or putting distance between you, they all stem from fear. The question is, what is she afraid of? She may be afraid of being seen as a doormat, being judged, being too sexual, losing her self-identity, being too needy, or any number of things. Sometimes she may not consciously know unless you ask her and make her think about it.




• Stubborness. This is definitely within a sub's control, and represents a basic failure on her part to allow herself to feel "loss of self". You can point out what she is doing and encourage her to let go of herself a bit and acquiese to you.




• Embarrassment. It is almost impossible to relax enough to surrender to another person if a sub is feeling embarrassed, because embarrassment focuses on yourself ("What do I look like? How am I being perceived?") instead of the other person. It is a natural reaction, but one your sub will have to get over to reach fuller submission. You may want to reassure her, distract her, or simply focus her attention back to you.




• Self-consciousness. This is related to embarrassment. If a sub is struggling with insecurity and self-consciousness, it's going to be difficult for her to go into subspace or reach that level after a punishment where she completely surrenders. When my Dom brings my focus back to him, or causes me pain to distract me, it helps me forget about feeling self-conscious.




• Anger. Feeling angry means she's feeling wronged somehow, whether rightly or wrongly. She may feel you are being unfair or unkind. If she is focusing on how wrong you are and how right she is, this gives her a sense of moral power and judgment over you. You may need to talk through the problem and listen to her feelings and validate them. Even if you do not change your original stance (and often you shouldn't!), simply letting her know you understand her feelings and that you have taken them into consideration can help.




• False apologies. This happens a lot right before or during a punishment. Subs will complain and holler, "Not fair!" and come up with a million excuses why they shouldn't be punished and a million ways they will never do it again. Especially if the punishment hurts, she may start apologizing profusely before she means it. I will say that for me, false apologies are not an attempt to be dishonest or lie to my Dom. However, when I'm in so much pain that I'll do anything to stop it, the, "I'm sorries!" just come flying out without me thinking about them because I am desperate to make the pain--which I am honestly sure I could not handle one more ounce of--stop. One solution to this is training in overcoming pain barriers; another is waiting to see if she still demonstrates an actual attitude change once the pain stops.




• Emotional distance. This is a weapon many women have learned when physically overpowering you is impossible. You are bigger and stronger, so you can control her body, but she can shut you out of her mind. This is her attempt to keep some power. Symptoms include sulking, avoiding eye contact, not answering questions, and getting quiet and withdrawn. She may do it when she is overloaded or overwhelmed. Emotional distance is poison for a relationship because it impedes communication, which is vital for reconciliation. Dr. John Gottman calls this stonewalling, and its presence in a relationship makes you more vulnerable to divorce.




• Abuse triggers. Things that remind her of past abuse, whether physical, sexual, or emotional, will garner intense physical reactions from her that she probably can't control. She may go completely numb and unmoving, or she may fight you like a tiger. She is not reacting to you; she is reacting to the situation. Abuse victims cannot usually control their reactions; their brains simply react to a perceived threat. Communication is key to understand what her triggers are, why those are triggers, and so that you can recognize the signs. You can also work to devise a plan to work past those triggers or make them less intense when they do occur.

Wait! I didn't add pain to the list! While it is possible for physical pain to jolt a sub out of subspace, it is interesting to note that pain can actually serve to put a sub into subspace. Once my Dom has gotten me to clear my mind and relax, it is often only a centering jolt of pain that I need to send me into subspace. I call it "centering" because it forces all other thoughts and concerns out of my head, and I focus only on one thing. It also makes me go into subspace easier because I find it sexy that he has power over me.

Let's go back to the subject of which of these "barrier to submission" are in your sub's control and which are not. Some are probably conscious choices she makes; others are subconscious decisions she makes and you may need to point out exactly what she's doing before she will realize it and correct the mistake. For instance, I know if I'm being stubborn. It's a conscious choice I make, and I deserve it when my Dom punishes me for it. On the other hand, I often don't realize when I start to bring myself out of subspace because I'm getting embarrassed about acting "too submissive," or when I am forgetting to make a verbal request because I assume he'll read my body language. In those cases, once he points it out to me, I realize what I'm doing and can make the choice to change my behavior.

Other barriers, however, are not in her control. A sub who has been abused cannot control panic attacks brought on by triggering that event. Telling her to relax in that situation will not do any good, because the truth is she can't relax. However, even the most instinctive reactions can be unlearned, with slow and careful navigation on your part, lots of communication, and patience as you train her body to un-learn old reactions and learn new ones.

One reason I like the BDSM idea of "training" over the idea of just going straight to discipline is that it gives the sub time to understand what reactions she is having, how they are affecting the relationship, and what the Dom would prefer she do instead. Training can include punishment, but it is often the final resort, and first the couple is expected to communicate. If my Dom tells me what he wants me to learn, why it's important, and how he wants me to learn it, that gives me time to adjust to a new and unfamiliar pattern of behavior under his guidance and tutorage. He can guide me through days and weeks of learning the new behavior, and punishment is a final resort rather than his first answer to everything.

Women Are Willful

Women are willful. Willfulness leads to being headstrong. Being headstrong leads to testing limits. Testing limits leads to disobedience. Disobedience leads to punishment. Punishment leads to submission. Submission leads to compliance. Compliance leads to harmony. -ObdurateDemand from Fet

Ok, so I'm not saying that all women are willful. They're not. But this quote definitely applies to me. :)

I am willful. Sometimes I get really testy when my Dom tries to give me orders. Get your own darn coffee! flashes through my head. I scowl and avoid eye contact. I get a little furrow between my eyes.

He says it's because I'm stubborn. I say it's because I'm still fighting years of cultural indoctrination.

We're probably both right.

For my marriage, D/s is what helps us smooth those wrinkles away from my forehead. Maybe I'm really comfortable right then. Maybe I'm really into my book. He definitely has two working arms and a healthy set of legs; he could get his own coffee!

But when it comes down to it, we have this unwritten contract that we've both agreed to. So we could sit there and scowl at each other forever, and bicker over who should get up to get the coffee. But in the end, I'm going to lose because I agreed to let him have the power, and I furthermore (foolishly???) agreed that if I disobeyed, he could punish me.

And I hate being spanked.

Really, really hate it. It doesn't make me feel sexy. It's not erotic. It doesn't make me feel contrite and remorseful.

It enfuriates me.

So I have no one to blame but myself when I end up getting up in the middle of what I'm doing, and getting his coffee.

And then, inexplicably, I feel happy that he made me. Apparently what I was doing wasn't so important that I couldn't stop for 10 seconds to pour a mug of coffee. (But it seemed like it at the time!)

Let's explore the cause-and-effect pattern proposed in the quote above.

Willful/headstrong -->Testing Limits.

Do I test limits? You betcha. I'm lucky to have a Dom with a great sense of humor. He knows--because we've talked about it many times--that when I test, it's not to annoy him. It's because I'm trying to make sure that my boundaries are safe. Is he still just as committed to our relationship? Is he going to put forth the effort to enforce those rules he gave me? Is he still stronger than me? Am I still safe with him?

Sometimes it does annoy him, sure. But usually his sense of humor kicks in and he is able to identify my behavior, point it out to me, and stay pretty level about it.

Testing Limits --> Disobedience.

Guilty again. Sometimes, if my preliminary tests to the "fence" that he keeps around our relationship indicate that perhaps the fence is failing because its keeper is busy at work, not in the mood, or not noticing my tests because he's otherwise engaged, I get anxious. I see that fence as keeping the bad out and the good in. He protects me and us and he keeps me in line. Fence down! Fence down! Fence down! I start to panic a bit and I attack the fence with renewed fervor. I want him to engage and fix the fence, or let me out of the fence where I can protect myself.

Disobedience --> Punishment.

This is where his part comes in. He has the choice here to engage, wrestle me back into submission, and restore harmony to our relationship, or to take the easy way and be passive, letting me have my way and putting us back into an equal-power relationship. Being a Dom can be hard work.

Punishment --> Submission.

It doesn't matter what the punishment is. In DD and CDD, it is usually a spanking. In D/s and M/s it can be any negative consequence, including spanking, but I've also heard of corner time, long talks about the negative behavior, canings, or loss of priveleges like the computer or other favorite hobbies. I've heard of Doms who assigned homework or a paper on what the negative behavior was. For really bad stuff, some women lose their collars or their entire D/s relationship.

Does that sound like consequences you'd give a kid? Yep. A common complaint I've heard from Christians against DD and CDD is that the man is infantilizing the woman. To some extent, this might be true. But it's hard to imagine a man having authority and giving rules without having the means to back them up. And I'm yet to come up with a way to punish someone for misbehavior that isn't at least similar to the punishments you'd give a child or teenager. In the Bible, God punishes people for rebellion and sin, yet no one thinks He was treating the Israelites like children. He was just putting His foot down and showing them the way it would be--namely, His way or no way. And I don't think it would work well if my Dom tried to make me wander the Israeli desert for 40 years as a punishment. Just saying.

Submission --> Compliance.

For a more stubborn woman, you probably have to know her really well to find her weak spots, or you have to be prepared to fight her harder to wrestle her back into submission. Yet even the wildest horses can eventually be broken by the right man. Once you find a punishment that makes her feel true remorse, helps her see the error of her ways, and reconciles the two of you, you've hit upon a winner.

Some women will thrash and beg through a spanking, then eventually cry, go limp, and show remorse. This is why some CDD sites advocate spanking the woman until she cries and completely submits (the two are different, by the way, but tears can let you know when you're getting there. Angry tears are different than remorseful tears). For other women, a completely different type of punishment may be necessary. You can be creative here--- it doesn't have to be just physical punishment.

But once the punishment is over, and you've won, she's yours again. She feels safe again. You've proved that her safety fence is still in working order. And you've proved that you're a man capable of handling her.

Women are willful?

Many of us, yes. But a firm, loving hand can change us into the woman you want us to be.

The One Twue Way

In [insert your community here: BDSM, D/s, DD, CDD, Taken in Hand, M/s, etc.], in all these very interrelated communities, there is always someone who feels like they are not following "The One Twue Way."

No, that's not a typo. The twue way is just like a twue sub or a twue dom. There is no one right way to do it. There is no way you must be.

The online blogger communities are great for me because I can get so many great ideas. I can see how these relationships work in real life. I can see what works for me and what doesn't. I always try to share really good quotes or posts with my Dom, so he can share in this community, too.

In my online meanderings, I've found slaves with very detailed lists of rules and slaves with no real rules. I've met subs who love to submit and please, and subs who have to be forced into it and conquered. I've read posts by DD or CDD women who had to beg their husbands to discipline them and women who still beg their husbands not to.

Love it or hate it, if TTWD (This Thing We Do) is also TTYD (This Thing You Do), you fit in here.

It doesn't matter if you have rules or not. If your husband spanks you or not. If you have rituals or not. If you are good at submitting or not. If you call your husband a Master, Sir, Dom, or Head of Household, or none of the above.

This community has enough room for everyone.

The sad thing, I think, is when reading others' blogs and participating in online communities (like Fetlife and Taken in Hand) makes us feel alienated and alone, instead of encouraged and inspired. I've felt that way. Other bloggers (I'm specifically thinking of Libby, Kaya, and Stormy, but there are more) have also recently written about it. I think at some point, many of us feel like maybe we don't fit in here. Yet the point is to learn from others--their mistakes and successes, but mostly just their stories.

Each one of us is in a relationship that is completely and utterly unique. I believe God planned a specific person for each one of us. As Genesis 2:18 says:

God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."

The word for "man" here is the Hebrew word hadam or adam, and it means man, mankind, or human. The word applied to the woman is ezer, meaning a help or helper, someone who gives aid. For this specific man, God created a specific helper who would fit him-- in other words, they complemented each other. Eve probably wouldn't have fit so well with any other man, because God hadn't created her to be a lifemate to anyone else. These two went specifically together.

There are a lot more of us on the earth now, but the basic principle remains the same. Each couple is made uniquely to suit. I can see how God knew, even better than my husband or I did, how we were going to complement each other and fit each other's needs. Sure, in the past I had dated other, very nice, boys, but I prayed hard about who I should end up with and so I trust that I was led to the right one for me.

So of course it seems obvious that what works for my Dom and me is not what's going to work for many other D/s couples. Our communities should be here to encourage and support one another--to give us the edification that yes, there are other people out there like us, other people struggling along similar journeys and having similar experiences and making similar mistakes. We have a lot to learn from one another.

But there is no "right" or "wrong" way to build your relationship. If you are communicating with each other, praying about it, and staying safe, sane, and consensual, you shouldn't ever feel like you are a misfit or don't belong. There is no "One Twue Way."

Unless my Dom asks. And then, you should tell him it's my way.

Just kidding.