Dominant Blogs

I read a lot of submissive blogs. Lately, I'm trying to find more blogs by Dominants.

And I mean good, quality blogs. Blogs written by men in committed relationships with one submissive woman. Men who have something worthwhile to share about their dominance and how their relationships work.

So far, here are some I've been impressed with:

• (Not So) Random Thoughts by Omega. Omega is a Master to the submissive blogger Mouse.


• A Dominant Character by Sir J. He is a 24/7 Dom who's been married 23 years.


• Husbandly Touch by Mick. Mick and his wife are in a DD relationship.


• Goreans of Reality. Jake's Kajira keeps copies of her Master Jake's writings here. He has good insights on how his slave's mind works.


• A Neo Dom's Journey by Neo Dom Tom. He and his wife have been in a full-time BDSM relationship for over a year.


• A Dauntless Journey by Dauntless Vitality. DV writes theoretical articles about how M/s and D/s work.


• The Training of My Lovely Slut by William. He is a Dom who uses elements of DD in his marriage.

I will add that all of these men are still actively blogging as of June 2011. I try not to follow bloggers who fall off the face of the earth. :) If they stop blogging in the future and the links no longer work, I claim no responsibility.

If you enjoy their writings, please support them by leaving a comment. And let them know Sexperts sent you their way!

Being A Feminist's Daughter

Sometimes, in the middle of a scene, I'll lose subspace and come jolting back to reality.

This happened yesterday.

I hate it when that happens. I love subspace. I love the feeling of calm relaxation. I love feeling so close to my Dom. I enjoy feeling his strength and power and masculinity.

But then, suddenly, I am afraid of those feelings.

I've talked in a previous post about how I feel submission and feminism can go hand-in-hand. But that doesn't mean it's always easy for me.

I used to be afraid of giving oral sex. But thanks to a very loving, patient husband, I am slowly learning to give head on my own terms. I am learning to enjoy it and see it as a symbol of submission. I can now kiss and adore this masculine part of him and feel grateful that he's letting me.

As I descended into subspace yesterday, I got more enthusiastic. I lost my inhibitions.

And then, I got embarrassed. I am still my mother's daughter, after all. What would she think if she knew I submitted to my husband? I could feel the judgment. Not from my mother. But from myself.

I paused from what I was doing. Shook my head to clear it. I squeezed my eyes shut tight and got a tiny frown. My forehead wrinkled up.

"What am I doing? I'm losing control. I must look ridiculous." Enter self-loathing.

My nice, dreamy subspace fled.

Of course, within a few minutes, he noticed.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

I sighed and laid my head against his thigh. "I lost it," I whined.

His hands reached for me. "It's okay, baby," he soothed. "We can get it back."

He knows that I struggle with this. That sometimes, I judge myself for what I think society and my family might think. That I struggle with letting go of total control.

Gently, firmly, with strong hands, he leads me back.

He takes the decision for me and decides this is what's best for us. He pushes me back into subspace, knowing that there I feel safer and happier and I can lean on him for support.

Sometimes he does it with punishment. Sometimes with a look. Sometimes with pain. Sometimes with pleasure. He is learning to play my mind and body like an instrument. He is getting better.

Someday, we will be experts at each other.

My mother is not in my marriage. She has no place in our bedroom.

Neither do my fears and insecurities. Slowly, he is showing them the door.

Precious Cargo

He starts to undress me. I whimper.

His hands pause. "What's the matter?" he asks me.

Blindfolded, I cower into the bed. "I don't like my stomach," I whimper.

"You're beautiful," he says, as his hands continue to remove my clothes.

_____________________________________

I am kneeling on the bed, eyes closed.

"Get into the inspection position," he tells me.

I pause, confused.

"The nadu," he clarifies.

I whimper (my sound of protest without saying "No").

I know it, but we've never done slave positions before. "I'm not a slave," I pout.

Yet I always thought it was such a beautiful posture of submission.

"What are you?" he asks.

"I don't know," I say, sounding suddenly afraid.

He smiles. "I know what you are," he says soothingly. "You're mine." He sounds happy about this.

I assume the nadu position, eyes still closed.

But I fidget. I am uncomfortable here. Do I put my hands palms up, or touch my middle finger to my thumb? I flex my hands.

"Stay still," he commands. "You're not doing your hands right."

A little affronted, but eyes still closed, I pout, "I'm not sure what to do. Some photos this way," I put my hands palms up, "but Jake's Kajira does this way," I touch my middle finger and thumb.

"Do what you've seen people in real life do," he encourages me, patient in this, my first time.

I touch my fingers together, zen-like, the way I've seen Jake's Kajira in her photos. I always thought that was a beautiful photo of her.

He blindfolds me.

I feel warm breath on my back. Feathery-light kisses. My skin prickles.

Soft, warm kisses up my back. Calm. Warm kisses on my neck. Relaxed.

Feathery kisses on my arms. I tremble.

I feel his soft breath across my breasts. My breathing quickens. He moves to my stomach.

I tense. Suck in my breath. Try, unsuccessfully, to suck in my stomach.

"Relax," he breathes through his kisses.

"I can't," I whisper. "I have to hold in my stomach."

The kisses leave my body. I hear his voice, soft and sure, in front of my face.

He kisses me lovingly on the lips.

"I want you," he whispers. "I want all of you." I start to tremble.

"I want your submission, your mind, your heart, all of you," he continues.

A dream come true, someone who wants all of you.

We'd just talked about how I am afraid...

Afraid my submission will be too much, more than he wants.

Afraid of my changing body,

Who am I if I'm not thin and young and sexy?

Afraid of the possible depth of my own emotional clinginess and neediness if I let that control go.

He speaks to me as through a dream.

He says the words I need to hear.

I melt.

I am his.
_____________________________________

Later...

Later, in the kitchen, he hugs me.

I feel so close.

But I pull away, self-conscious.

"I don't like my stomach," I explain, apologetic.

He pulls me toward him.

"I don't like how my stomach is the first thing that touches you now," I further explain.

He looks at me.

Smiles down at me.

And says simply:

"But you've got precious cargo in there."

He lightly touches my stomach, careful not to hurt.

"Remember," he says, "You're carrying the second most important person in the world to me in there."

He turns to get a glass of water from the sink.

I pause, struck by the thought.

Precious cargo.

He likes my growing stomach.

He doesn't mind when it hits him first when we hug. He doesn't mind that it makes sex more awkward every week.

Because I am carrying precious cargo.

How D/s Has Helped My Marriage

In today's world, I see a lot of relationships without respect.

In some marriages, the man is in charge. In some, the woman. In some, they share responsibility. But many of these relationships lack a basic essential ingredient: respect.

This is because today, we focus so much on romantic love. It is our reason to date, our reason to get married, and the lack of it is our excuse when the marriage ends in divorce. Our culture, fueled by Hollywood and popular magazines, focuses on the search for love with a crazed determination.

Love is important, but focusing on just finding romantic love causes us to forget other essential ingredients to making marriages work: respect, communication, shared values, and common goals. Of these, I believe respect is the most important.

Vanilla people look at D/s and they think our relationships must lack respect. How can you respect someone if you control him or her, they ask?

Well, I'd answer, the same way my boss respects me. Having power over someone doesn't mean you don't respect them.

This idea that control, heirarchies, and unblanced power works in the business world, in our jobs and banks and economy and churches and cities but not in our homes, is a fallacy. When roles aren't clear-cut and parties don't have defined ideas about their responsibilities, obligations, and expectations, a power vacuum--and then a respect vacuum--ensues.

Why would I respect my husband for leading me if I'm leading just as much as he is? Why would he respect me for my submission and service when he's doing exactly the same thing?

Without D/s, we'd both lose respect for each other.

But with D/s, I respect my husband more. I see him as a leader. I see him as stronger and more fearless than I did when we tried to have a popular "egalitarian" marriage. I appreciate his career and work more than I did before. It makes me respect him more. Sex has become a service I am glad to be able to offer him instead of a chore I resented.

My husband respects me, too. He sees me doing chores and housework when I don't want to, just to make his life easier because I know he is so busy at work. He takes more of the weight of providing for us on his shoulders, and I accordingly take up more of the weight of making sure things at home get done. He respects the work I do, especially because he knows I don't necessarily enjoy it. Additionally, I'm becoming a much better cook because I'm getting practice. :)

I see my husband through different, more loving, eyes when he is also my Dom. Being Dom and submissive doesn't replace our marriage relationship... I see it more as an "optional addition" to our basic marriage package.

How has D/s helped my marriage?

• I appreciate my husband's work more
  


• I am more patient when he has to be at work longer




• I am more willing to do more than my fair share of household chores




• I am prouder to wear my wedding ring each day as I put it on




• I am more attracted to him physically




• I feel calmer and more relaxed when I'm in subspace




• I suddenly think about things like, "Which perfume would he want me to wear today?"




• I make more decisions based on what he'd want, even when he's not there




• I can rely on him to make decisions




• I can rely on him to handle conflict if I don't feel up to it right then




• I can be needy without feeling like a failure as a "modern, egalitarian" wife (because I'm not one!)




• I am more considerate of his needs, such as sleep or having his shoulders rubbed




• I have the freedom to be indecisive and defer to him, if I want (= reduced conflict with my family)




• I have someone who will take the initiative and make me do things I don't want to but are good for me (example: covering my head in church)




• I am not ashamed to ask him what a Bible passage means or the definition of a word I don't know; it's okay for him to know more sometimes




• I can be more open with my insecurities and neediness than when I had to maintain an "equal" image




• I see sex as a way to connect and/or a way to serve him, not as a chore that I resent




• I respect him more, which means...




• I am more attracted to him, which means...




• I am more interested in having sex with him




• I feel prouder to introduce him to people




• I can worry less about what other people (i.e. my mother) think of me




• I have somewhere safe to go after work or a stressful day

These are just some of the improvements I have noticed in our relationship. I'm not saying you can't get some of these without D/s, but Taken in Hand, Christian Domestic Discipline, The Surrendered Wife, and even basic marriage help books like Love and Respect are based around similar principles as D/s, but with a different twist to each. In the end, these relationships have arisen as some people's answer to uber-feminism and egalitarianism, which are ruining marriages and families in many instances.

For us, this works. It may be a journey some of you may find will work as well.

Can You Be a Feminist Submissive?

At the core, a feminist is someone--whether male or female--who believes females are equal to men in value and worth and should have the right to make their own decisions. It all comes down to choice.


First off, being "equal" to men doesn't mean we're the same. It obviously doesn't mean men can bear and breastfeed children or that women's bodies are designed to hunt. Men generally have more muscle mass and are taller and heavier. Their brains work differently, and they have different hormonal patterns.


But if you believe women can be just as smart and useful and helpful as men, you're a feminist. God designed us perfectly so men and women can complement each other in their lifestyles.

If you are a female submissive, you may struggle with aligning the cultural ideals for womanhood and femininity with your definition of "feminist."


Being a feminist all comes down to choice. It means letting a woman choose what she wants to do. If she wants to be a high-powered CEO, great. If she prefers to stay home and sew and cook, great. We feminists fall all along that spectrum. You can find us cooking, shopping, working, canoeing, hunting, knitting, watching tv, or being soldiers.

The true feminist chooses what she wants for her life. Did you look at your array of options and decide that one of your identities is to be a submissive? Good for you for knowing what you want! You are still a feminist.

I sometimes struggle with being a "feminist" and submissive. The cultural idea of a feminist is someone who thinks women should be bossy and act like men. But that isn't true. I enjoy dressing up in a nice dress and getting my hair and makeup done, but I also like hanging out in my PJs and wearing jeans and a t-shirt.


I thought a lot about the great questions, What do you want to be when you grow up? My parents gave me lots of great ideas based on what they saw as my strengths and abilities. Some of the things I considered were:

• a writer, because I love to write novels and am very expressive



• a singer/actress, because I have a great voice



• a lawyer, because I'm analytical, have a heart for social justice, and am good at manipulating words



• a teacher, because I enjoy learning new things and sharing that knowledge



• a counselor, because I'm nurturing and good at reading people



• an interpreter, because I love thinking fast on my feet and using languages



• a textbook editor, because I adore grammar rules



• a housewife, because I like having lots of free time to pursue my hobbies



• a bookstore owner, because I love to read



• a restaurant owner, because I have a great menu in my head already

On the other hand, I never considered being a vet, even though I love animals, because blood makes me sick and I cry when animals are hurt or dying. I never considered being in the military, even when they asked me to, because I'm not good at taking orders that I don't agree with and I value independence over uniformity.

My mother, who is the classic feminist you think of when you hear the word, would be pretty appalled if she knew I identified as a submissive. Changing from a radical, "I'm equal to you!" feminist to a submissive feminist is something that took me some time.

First, I realized I didn't want a man who was passive like my father. My dad is great and loved us, but he was not able to protect his children from abusive situations because he valued keeping the peace too much. Also, I saw how much my mother resented him because she had to do all the work of making decisions about money, kids, vacations, planning dates, and getting things done. Even though she wanted the control, she resented the pressure it put on her year after year when my dad just handed over the reins without a complaint.

Second, I realized that I wanted to be able to respect and love a man. I dated many nice, passive boys whom I loved, but the love and passion always died because I couldn't respect them. I didn't respect them because they did not insist on respect from women or other men.

As my ideal mate for myself started to morph into a different idea than my parents had, slowly, I started realizing that I might have to make some changes in my lifestyle. I couldn't insist on having all the control and power in a relationship and still get what I wanted in a mate.

Eventually, I read the book Liberated Through Submission at the advice of a Christian friend. Although this book is about Christian principles of marriage rather than D/s, it made me see myself differently. I started to realize that maybe I should give up some control in order to get the safety and protection I wanted from a man. I also, for the first time, was forced to understand that if I were going to live my life by Biblical principles, I couldn't just ignore these few unpopular verses like many Christians today do. I would have to change my life to conform to the Bible. Also, this book introduced me to Biblical commands I'd never heard preached or talked about in today's pro-feminist society. And last, this book made me long to have the strong leader in my household that the author had in her husband.

I will add, of course, that my mother's friends saw me reading this book and were appalled. But I kept reading, because I didn't want their marriages. Sure, they are happy and in love and have great husbands, but they always have to be The Boss. They can never lose it and cry on their husbands' laps and have their husbands hold them and reassure them and take care of the problem for them. That's fine for them if that's what they want (Feminism = Choice!), but it wasn't what I wanted.

Also, it's been years since I read that book, and I still do not follow those Biblical verses perfectly. I am far from the perfect model of Biblical submission in a marriage. But I am much, much closer!

Eventually, I started dating stronger men. I went too far and dated an abusive jerk. He was not a feminist. He did not think I should have a say in my own life and desires and career. He did not respect my right to choice. After that ended, I had learned a valuable lesson: I needed a man who would respect me and my brain, even while protecting and leading me.

Finally, I met my (future) husband and ended up here: a feminist who chooses to be a submissive because she has found a good, godly Christian man who is also a feminist. Yes, my Dom believes that women have the right to choose their own paths. But for us, based on the Bible and our personalities and desires, this works.

I am a submissive. I am also highly educated and very successful in my career. I am opinionated and vocal with our families and friends. Heck, I am opinionated and vocal with him. :) Being a submissive does not keep me from being a successful, educated, well-paid woman. It doesn't keep me from fighting with my Dom about the normal married-people issues like in-laws and money. It just means this is the choice I have made. My feminist choice. My submissive choice.

To read more about how feminism and submission go together in BDSM relationships, see Nan's article, A Feminist Submissive?