I'd like to thank Sara over at Finding Sara for being so open with her marital struggles. Sometimes I worry I am the only person in this blogging-lifestyle community who is not 100% happy with the D/s in her relationship. It might explain why I haven't written on my blog in so long.
I know Sara and Grant are committed to their relationship. I applaud her for both her willingness to admit they've fallen on hard times and her confidence that they will stay together. I believe they will, for the simple reason that they are both committed to staying together.
For those of us in the younger areas of our lives, newlyweds or dating or with young children, it can be hard to find that BDSM relationships do not, as books and the internet would suggest, take work in the beginning and then hit a happy equilibrium which they maintain, to the mutual joy and satisfaction of both partners, forever.
I was sort of waiting for all of the "beginner" stuff like working out contracts and getting trained and getting used to being in this lifestyle. What I didn't realize is that BDSM and D/s can actually cause a lot more conflict than just ignoring those desires and being vanilla.
But I don't think I can ever go back to being vanilla. Even if our relationship sometimes looks and feels vanilla, I won't ever be vanilla again. Not with what I know and what I've experienced. I carry that knowledge and that desire with me. I will forever.
I'll go into more detail in what's been happening in my subsequent posts... but for now, thanks to Sara for being an example and showing me I don't have to hide my struggles and problems in D/s to have a D/s blog. I don't have to be having kinky sex or an active D/s lifestyle to be a D/s person. Thanks for making me brave enough to come back and type out these words. I've missed it.
More to come...
Fondly,
Sexperts
6/01/2012
50 Shades of Grey
The newst book my friends say I need to read is 50 Shades of Grey.
Apparently it's bringing S&M and D/s lifestyles into the mainstream.
Of course, critics say the book does nothing but cement the stereotypes that only people with abusive histories and/or serious control issues could ever be interested in such a lifestyle. But I think it's good the story also shows how this woman, although she is not 100% into the lifestyle, still finds it appealing and sexy on some level. At least it deals with that.
Haven't we all dealt with that? Why do I want thi?. I'm not supposed to. How can I be both repulsed and attracted to a lifestyle?
I have read The Story of O. As far as I can tell, it's the opposite of 50 Shades of Grey. The story of O tells of a woman who voluntarily descends into a lifestyle of complete and utter slavery. 50 Shades is more, from what I understand, a story of how a man deals with his past abuse and transcends the need for the lifestyle.
Either way, it's next on my list.
Apparently it's bringing S&M and D/s lifestyles into the mainstream.
Of course, critics say the book does nothing but cement the stereotypes that only people with abusive histories and/or serious control issues could ever be interested in such a lifestyle. But I think it's good the story also shows how this woman, although she is not 100% into the lifestyle, still finds it appealing and sexy on some level. At least it deals with that.
Haven't we all dealt with that? Why do I want thi?. I'm not supposed to. How can I be both repulsed and attracted to a lifestyle?
I have read The Story of O. As far as I can tell, it's the opposite of 50 Shades of Grey. The story of O tells of a woman who voluntarily descends into a lifestyle of complete and utter slavery. 50 Shades is more, from what I understand, a story of how a man deals with his past abuse and transcends the need for the lifestyle.
Either way, it's next on my list.
5/12/2012
Am I a Reflection?
I was reading Storm'y blog today, and in it her Dom/husband said:
She's a reflection on me, she's part of me, and we both want to hold ourselves and each other to high standards as we go about our lives.And then I think, "Am I a reflection of you?"
Does my husband see me as a reflection of himself? Sometimes I really wonder this.
I certainly see him as a reflection of me. I feel embarrassed when he does foolish things, proud when he does great things. I feel that to society, as well as to our family and friends, his choices and decisions mirror back onto me. I chose this man, his actions seem to say of me. Of all the men in the world, I chose this one to join my life to. What do you think of my choice?
Since husband and wife are one body, I think there is a religious or spiritual reasoning behind us being reflections of one another as well.
But I am not sure if he feels this way about me. When I do something great, he is happy and proud, but I think more for me than seeing it as a reflection on him, a reflection on his choices in a life mate, a reflection of his abilities and strengths as a leader. When I do something bad or wrong, rather than feeling embarrassed or seeing my faults as a reflection of his skills as a leader, I think he just feels bad for me.
This is not the way I see it.
I like the way Stormy's husband sees her, the way I think many DD and D/s husbands see their mates. The sub is a reflection of the Dom-- a reflection of his choices. A reflection of his ability to make sound decisions. And a reflection of his leadership capabilities.
The book Liberated by Submission made the point that, if a woman has turned from a lovely, positive young fiancée to a nagging, critical, harping wife, she has done so under the man's leadership. Rather than guiding her into safe, positive, spiritually enriching waters, he has provided poor guidance or, just as bad, no guidance at all.
Am I a reflection of you? Do you even care what I do or say? How it reflects on you?
Am I your reflection?
4/28/2012
Such a simple touch
Walking out of the restaurant, he grips the back of my neck. Squeezes gently.
I am happy. Relaxed.
He is showing his dominance to everyone around us.
But more than that. His love. His tenderness toward me. His caring.
His hand says, "I love this woman. She is mine."
I feel lucky. I sigh, feeling the tension drain. Why do we not do this more often?
He holds my door open for me, gets me into my car, and kisses me goodbye. The moment is broken, but not gone.
We drive our separate ways, him to his work, me to mine.
But that moment at lunch stays with me the rest of the day.
I am happy. Relaxed.
He is showing his dominance to everyone around us.
But more than that. His love. His tenderness toward me. His caring.
His hand says, "I love this woman. She is mine."
I feel lucky. I sigh, feeling the tension drain. Why do we not do this more often?
He holds my door open for me, gets me into my car, and kisses me goodbye. The moment is broken, but not gone.
We drive our separate ways, him to his work, me to mine.
But that moment at lunch stays with me the rest of the day.
3/24/2012
Showing dominance in different ways
I think it's so interesting how those of us in this community show our submission and dominance in different ways.
Some women have written that, as part of their submission, they always order for their husband at restaurants. For me, on the other hand, my husband and I are both more old fashioned. At restaurants, he usually asks me what I want, then communicates my order to the waiter. If I want a refill or some extra condiment, I ask him and he flags down the waiter to ask.
Sometimes I wonder if waiters think this is strange. But I like that my husband is taking this role to protect me and provide for me. He is old-fashioned and likes to treat me that way, opening my doors, getting my lunches ready in the morning, making sure scatterbrained me still has her purse and keys in the morning. You can sometimes see him carrying the baby and the diaper bag and my bags even when I offer to help. He does a great job taking care of me.
Sometimes he will grab me by the hair, kiss me or bite my neck, and then let me go a few minutes later to continue whatever I was doing when he interrupted me. I think he likes being able to do what he wants, when he wants. I think it makes him feel powerful.
Because he is so confident, my Dom is not very jealous or nit-picky. Sometimes I even wish he were a bit more stringent and super-corrective! He is very laid back and confident, so he does not feel threatened if I want to spend time with male friends or my family members. However, he makes sure that any male friends I have, he also knows and has spent time with. I have one male friend that he is comfortable me going to his house alone, because they are good friends and my Dom trusts him 100%. I have another friend that my Dom is good friends with and does not mind me going out to meet him at a public place like lunch, or even my friend coming to my house, but he does ask me not to go to his house alone. I'm not sure why, but I did as he told me.
On the other hand, my Dom and I are both "time" people. Time together is very important to us. If I wanted to spend too much time away from him with other people, it would make him sad and I think he'd say something to me. But I don't, because I love being with him as much as I can.
He sees "taking care of me" as being dominating. Therefore, for him, doing things that others might consider "service," he considers "dominating." He gets my lunches ready in the morning. He cleans the house on weekends. He plays with the baby on Saturdays so I can sleep in. Some people might see this as him submitting to me, but he doesn't. He believes that I am his responsibility to take care of, and he wants to make me happy, and therefore he does these things for me, not because I am in charge or he owes me, but because he wants to take care of me and make me feel loved and cared for.
At first, that confused me. "If you are doing things for me, isn't that me dominating you?" But he said no, absolutely not. He does those things for me out of the kindness of his heart, because he is my Dom and he chooses to take care of me. If he did not want to do them, he would tell me to do them, but he sees this sacrifice for me as a way of being a servant-leader like Jesus.
I'm sure it's not what works for everyone, but it works for us.
Some women have written that, as part of their submission, they always order for their husband at restaurants. For me, on the other hand, my husband and I are both more old fashioned. At restaurants, he usually asks me what I want, then communicates my order to the waiter. If I want a refill or some extra condiment, I ask him and he flags down the waiter to ask.
Sometimes I wonder if waiters think this is strange. But I like that my husband is taking this role to protect me and provide for me. He is old-fashioned and likes to treat me that way, opening my doors, getting my lunches ready in the morning, making sure scatterbrained me still has her purse and keys in the morning. You can sometimes see him carrying the baby and the diaper bag and my bags even when I offer to help. He does a great job taking care of me.
Sometimes he will grab me by the hair, kiss me or bite my neck, and then let me go a few minutes later to continue whatever I was doing when he interrupted me. I think he likes being able to do what he wants, when he wants. I think it makes him feel powerful.
Because he is so confident, my Dom is not very jealous or nit-picky. Sometimes I even wish he were a bit more stringent and super-corrective! He is very laid back and confident, so he does not feel threatened if I want to spend time with male friends or my family members. However, he makes sure that any male friends I have, he also knows and has spent time with. I have one male friend that he is comfortable me going to his house alone, because they are good friends and my Dom trusts him 100%. I have another friend that my Dom is good friends with and does not mind me going out to meet him at a public place like lunch, or even my friend coming to my house, but he does ask me not to go to his house alone. I'm not sure why, but I did as he told me.
On the other hand, my Dom and I are both "time" people. Time together is very important to us. If I wanted to spend too much time away from him with other people, it would make him sad and I think he'd say something to me. But I don't, because I love being with him as much as I can.
He sees "taking care of me" as being dominating. Therefore, for him, doing things that others might consider "service," he considers "dominating." He gets my lunches ready in the morning. He cleans the house on weekends. He plays with the baby on Saturdays so I can sleep in. Some people might see this as him submitting to me, but he doesn't. He believes that I am his responsibility to take care of, and he wants to make me happy, and therefore he does these things for me, not because I am in charge or he owes me, but because he wants to take care of me and make me feel loved and cared for.
At first, that confused me. "If you are doing things for me, isn't that me dominating you?" But he said no, absolutely not. He does those things for me out of the kindness of his heart, because he is my Dom and he chooses to take care of me. If he did not want to do them, he would tell me to do them, but he sees this sacrifice for me as a way of being a servant-leader like Jesus.
I'm sure it's not what works for everyone, but it works for us.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)