Being a normal weight

Being a mom is great, but it makes me tired. I weight 25 lbs more than I did when I met my husband. (Only about 10 of that is pregnancy weight, but still.) My once-pert breasts are now saggy and soft. My flat tummy has a tiny pooch. My size-5 jeans don't fit anymore. Neither do my 7s. Today I found myself even googling "Liposuction" and "Body Scultping." Like I have $1500 dollars to spend on lipo. *snorts*

One thing I like about the kink community is that thin doesn't matter. You can be sexy whether you're a size 12 or 20. It's all up to personal preference.

My Dom thinks I look great now. I think I look fine. I'm not thin but I'm not overweight. But I miss my old body.

I have tried eating less, but life just doesn't seem to be worthwhile without my Dr. Pepper and the occasional brownie. I hate health food. I love cookies and brownies. I hate vegetables. I love dessert. I need my Dr. Pepper to have the energy to get through the day. A water or diet soda just isn't as fulfilling. Diet drinks are gross. Non-sweet tea is gross. Water is not fulfilling. Neither is crunching on veggies instead of a real snack. I don't eat terribly, but cutting out everything (or most things) I enjoy just doesn't seem to work. When I've tried it, I'm miserable, and I don't even seem to lose weight. The internet declares this is because I am not overweight, so my average-size body wants to cling to its final fat stores. Apparently it would be easier to lose weight if I had more to lose. (?!!?)

I'm just so frustrated. I'm willing to cut back on soda and sweets, but not give them up totally. I don't eat dessert every day. I eat regular-sized, fairly balanced meals. Yet I still don't lose weight. Do I have to give up EVERYTHING? Start eating tiny portions and healthy snacks (yuck) and downing protein shakes (tried it, didn't work, may throw up if I ever have to drink another chocolate protein drink)?

I'm so discouraged.

Thanking, Thanking

Thanking God that He has brought into my life a man who loves me, cares for me, is selfless to me, and is a great father to our child. Yes, my Dom can be stubborn. Pigheaded. A sinner. Have a temper. But he is also loving, and patient, and kind.

And that, my friends, is sexy.

(What do I see as sexy? He asked me to answer this. What do I see as sexy, hmmmm... Well, I'd say a clean face and hairless torso are sexy. Firm muscles instead of flab are sexy. A smile is sexy. Confidence is sexy. Dominating me when I want to be ;) is sexy. Wanting me is sexy. Taking me on dates you planned is sexy. Joking with me and being my head is sexy. Those things are sexy.)

Sex problems

My new sub angst (or not so new) is how to combine my ideas of D/s and our real life.

I want a great sex life. I want to be turned on by my husband. I want to want him. My perfect scenario would be we have great D/s control almost every day, with kissing or making out or messing around most days, and sex 1-3 times a week but still sexual activity most days. In this scenario I would want him and would be eager for sex and we'd both enjoy it.

But it's not that way. I don't want sex. If he initiates it I shrink away, feeling scared and sick and sort of disgusted. If he continues I might get into it just because he's controlling me, but then after a few minutes I get bored and I just resent him because I think it's taking FOREVER and why can't he just come in 5 minutes?

And then I resent him because it seems he either wants sex or nothing. I miss when we were dating and we weren't having sex. Because our "sex life" was much better then. We made out, it was hot and heavy and sexy. We messed around a lot and would spend hours pleasing each other and it was great. That never happens now. He wants sex, or I don't want sex, and we don't do anything.

I want to want sex. But I don't.

I have dreams where I am turned on by him. I want him, the way I used to. Arousal and orgasm are so much better in these dreams. But, when real life comes, I barely get turned on. I can come with a vibrator, but it's nothing compared to an emotional orgasm with someone I love and who knows how to please me. It feels good, but impersonal, and it has nothing to do with him.

When I use my vibrator I try to think about him. I try to imagine he is bossing me around and telling me what to do and I am so mentally turned on. But it is hard to maintain that fantasy. It's been too long. It is easier to just enjoy the physical sensations and not think about him at all. And then, when my mind starts to wander, I picture a new, tall, muscular man who dominates me completely. And then I feel guilty for not picturing my husband and I have to concentrate on not picturing anyone.

I need to get mentally engaged in our sex life again. But how?

What subs want

What subs want.

• A man who treats her like a princess and expects her to treat him with respect and honor.
• A man whose attitude toward the world about her is "You gotta go through me first!"
• Protective
• Confident
• Bossy
• Consistent
• High sex drive
• Knows her intimately, her dreams and fears
• Leads her to be a better person
• Leads their family
• Decisive
• Makes decisions and protects her from the stress of it all
• Someone obviously really into her body and turned on by her
• Someone who doesn't just want her for her body, but thinks it's a great bonus ;)
• Stands up for her to her family
• Stands up for her to his family
• Stands up for her to his friends
• Supports her and is her cheerleader
• Pushes her
• Punishes her
• Loves her
• Rewards her
• Compliments her
• Cherishes her
• Owns her
• Needs her
• Loves her

How do you relax?

I pose a question to my readers:

How do you relax enough to enjoy sex, BDSM, D/s, and DD? How do you make your mind let go so you can give in completely to your submission or to your dominance?

I have a hard time "letting go" and relaxing. It is hard to enjoy it. I feel like I should fight more, or less, or enjoy it more, or less, or something.

How do you make yourself relax?