Such a simple touch

Walking out of the restaurant, he grips the back of my neck. Squeezes gently.

I am happy. Relaxed.

He is showing his dominance to everyone around us.

But more than that. His love. His tenderness toward me. His caring.

His hand says, "I love this woman. She is mine."

I feel lucky. I sigh, feeling the tension drain. Why do we not do this more often?

He holds my door open for me, gets me into my car, and kisses me goodbye. The moment is broken, but not gone.

We drive our separate ways, him to his work, me to mine.

But that moment at lunch stays with me the rest of the day.

Showing dominance in different ways

I think it's so interesting how those of us in this community show our submission and dominance in different ways.

Some women have written that, as part of their submission, they always order for their husband at restaurants. For me, on the other hand, my husband and I are both more old fashioned. At restaurants, he usually asks me what I want, then communicates my order to the waiter. If I want a refill or some extra condiment, I ask him and he flags down the waiter to ask.

Sometimes I wonder if waiters think this is strange. But I like that my husband is taking this role to protect me and provide for me. He is old-fashioned and likes to treat me that way, opening my doors, getting my lunches ready in the morning, making sure scatterbrained me still has her purse and keys in the morning. You can sometimes see him carrying the baby and the diaper bag and my bags even when I offer to help. He does a great job taking care of me.

Sometimes he will grab me by the hair, kiss me or bite my neck, and then let me go a few minutes later to continue whatever I was doing when he interrupted me. I think he likes being able to do what he wants, when he wants. I think it makes him feel powerful.

Because he is so confident, my Dom is not very jealous or nit-picky. Sometimes I even wish he were a bit more stringent and super-corrective! He is very laid back and confident, so he does not feel threatened if I want to spend time with male friends or my family members. However, he makes sure that any male friends I have, he also knows and has spent time with. I have one male friend that he is comfortable me going to his house alone, because they are good friends and my Dom trusts him 100%. I have another friend that my Dom is good friends with and does not mind me going out to meet him at a public place like lunch, or even my friend coming to my house, but he does ask me not to go to his house alone. I'm not sure why, but I did as he told me.

On the other hand, my Dom and I are both "time" people. Time together is very important to us. If I wanted to spend too much time away from him with other people, it would make him sad and I think he'd say something to me. But I don't, because I love being with him as much as I can.

He sees "taking care of me" as being dominating. Therefore, for him, doing things that others might consider "service," he considers "dominating." He gets my lunches ready in the morning. He cleans the house on weekends. He plays with the baby on Saturdays so I can sleep in. Some people might see this as him submitting to me, but he doesn't. He believes that I am his responsibility to take care of, and he wants to make me happy, and therefore he does these things for me, not because I am in charge or he owes me, but because he wants to take care of me and make me feel loved and cared for.

At first, that confused me. "If you are doing things for me, isn't that me dominating you?" But he said no, absolutely not. He does those things for me out of the kindness of his heart, because he is my Dom and he chooses to take care of me. If he did not want to do them, he would tell me to do them, but he sees this sacrifice for me as a way of being a servant-leader like Jesus.

I'm sure it's not what works for everyone, but it works for us.

Temporary Equality

For those of you not in 24/7 D/s relationships, how do you decide when and how to enter into the D/s aspect?

I've heard of methods people use to get into "the mode" of power exchange. For example:

Have you tried any of these? What about those of you in long-distance D/s or in D/s relationships with children or family around often so you have to appear more the norm when around them? How do you maintain the power exchange all the time, or do you go back and forth between D/s and "normal"?

With a baby and being so near our families, it's harder to maintain a power exchange relationship. We don't have time to spend doing things like spankings or kinky sex. He doesn't seem to have the time or energy to micro-manage me or even to boss me around. Therefore, we've settled into more of a 60/40 relationship than a 90/10 or 100/0 like we were working toward several months ago.

Then, of course, when he wants to suddenly pull out the "I'm in charge" card, I promptly pull out the "No way, Jose!" card. My theory is--and has always been--that men can't be in charge just when they feel like it. It's a responsibility he takes all the time or else we are more or less equal; I can't handle the emotional hurt or mental confusion of not knowing if, when, and how our relationship works, what is expected of me, what I can expect from him, what constitutes bad behavior, and what consequences will be for said bad behavior.

I'm not unhappy. It's just different from before.

I assume it's temporary, until we have more time and energy to put into D/s again. Therefore, I'm not really worried about it. I see it as yet another phase for us to go through.

That's what marriage is.

Collars Sexual

Do collars have to be sexual?

They've certainly been fetish-ized in our culture. What little the mainstream U.S. knows about BDSM is all wrapped up in highly unrealistic depictions of Domme women wearing black leather and spandex and a studded black leather collar. They've become sexual.

I wore a cute red fabric... accessory... the other day.

My Dom didn't like it. "It looks like a collar," he said. "They just seem sexual to me now, after knowing about BDSM."

I scoffed a little. "It's not a collar," I said. "It's like a choker."

People throughout the day commented on it. "It's cute!" "Is that a headband around your neck?" "Are you wearing a collar?" "No, it's a choker." "It's a necklace that looks like one of those headbands."

I simply answered with a smile, "No, it isn't a collar. I'm not a dog." The comments amused me, but didn't really bother me at all. I should have also pointed out that my accessory had no buckle or snap or any sort of collar-like snaps.

My Dom and I don't do collars in our everyday lives. Sure, we've incorporated one into our play sessions in the past, but it's not a big part of our dynamic and it's certainly not a staple of our relationship. I have never been collared or, for that matter, worn a collar out in public. (My guess is he thinks my wedding ring is good enough! lol)

So I didn't feel weird or strange or sexual wearing my accessory. To me, it was just a fun piece of jewelry to add to my normal look. It didn't mean anything about my Dom or our relationship; it wasn't related to that at all.

I still think it was funny how many people thought it was a collar, though.

Thanks for that, mainstream tv.

Changes but still good

We're dealing with more life changes. New job, car broken down, another car wrecked, and still dealing with postpartum period and anxiety related to that. Whew!

With all this going on, I don't have much time to blog. We don't have much time to have D/s or BDSM time, either.

Things are going well, though. We both pull our weight, so there is little D/s needed. Although it makes me less happy than having him be in charge, we just share the weight and the burden of our lives and it works well. I work, he works, we take care of the baby, we get dinner made, we clean, we cook, we repeat the process. I'll say that he does pick up more of the slack around the house, cooking and cleaning and doing dishes, so that I can spend our evenings with the baby, holding her or feeding her or generally spending time with her. He says it's even, one of us caring for the baby and the other taking care of the house. He doesn't mind taking care of the house so that, as he says, I can take better care of our baby. I feel grateful to have a man willing to do that.

This winter is promising to be unseasonably warm. THANK GOODNESS. I hated last winter--- cold, cold, and miserable. I've enjoyed the strangely spring-like weather. The few days of cold and rain we've had have been bearable because they rarely last more than a few days. I'm just excited for May to get here and spring to be here in earnest.

I hope all my blogger buddies out there are still writing and enjoying their lives. (*sends a friendly wave out into blogger-land*). Hope to talk to you soon!