Review: Expert Guide to Oral Sex video

Last night I watched my very first instructional video on cunnilingus. The video, "Expert Guide to Oral Sex, part one: Cunnilingus" is one of Babeland's video series on oral sex. It is led by Tristan Taormino, a well-known "sexpert", author, porn director, and speaker.

In the end, I was disappointed with the video because I wanted more actual tips and less video of people doing it.

I was eager to get some advice on cunnilingus since this is an area of our sex life that has gone downhill in recent months. At the beginning, oral sex was good because it was new, exciting, and fresh, but once I got used to having it, it got boring. So I was excited to get some tips that we could use to share and explore.


At first, I thought the guide was a book. I thought it would be pretty sweet to order a book full of oral sex tips, but I figured out as soon as I went to Babeland's site that it was a video. Well, that was okay, so I went ahead and ordered it.

My Dom's first question when he opened the mail was, "Did you order porn?"

I was a little taken aback. I told him no, and he said, "Well, you just got a video that says something about 'Extra girl-on-girl scene!'"

I finally had a chance to open the video last night. My Dom was uncomfortable watching it, so he just listened. I went ahead and watched. Luckily, the video gives you menu options, so I just skipped right over the videos of different couples having oral sex on camera and went straight to the Cunnilingus Workshop section. Here, Tristan Taormino is giving a live presentation with a female actress to a group of people who ask questions and observe her working. She gives lots of good tips for oral sex (don't go straight for the clit, different techniques my Dom had never thought of, etc.) and some rather common sense onces (different positions for oral sex).

Overall, I did learn a lot. But I'd have preferred to get the same information without watching Tristan Taormino actually perform oral sex on this actress while she was doing it. I know my anti-porn stance puts me at odds with many in the BDSM world (and hey, with many in the real world!) but that's what works for my Dom, me, and our morals and faith.

Needless to say, we didn't watch the scenes of other couples trying out the techniques in the video. We also skipped the part labeled "Bonus girl-on-girl scene!" We watched it for the techniques, and we did get some good tips.

The video, aside from a section on positions, techniques, and using toys, also includes chapters on safe sex techniques and how to use toys to enhance oral sex.

The tips given in it are good tips, but I'd still have preferred a book. The Guide to Oral Sex video was $35, while the book Ultimate Guide to Cunnilingus is only $14.95 and focuses much more on actual techniques and less on visually stimulating presentations. So I'd say skip the video and buy the book. I know I am now dying to read that book, so it will soon by on my order list!

Computer Cords for Bondage

My Dom and I have been playing with bondage a lot. While he likes to use his hands to hold me down, I adore the feeling of being bound. The more the better! For me, being tied up, handcuffed, hogtied, gagged, or whatever means that I am relieved of the responsibility to "fight" him and I can just lie there, passive and still, waiting for the next blow.

We use our bondage rope, which is wonderful. Bondage rope is cheap (about 6 bucks online) and made specifically to not chafe against soft skin. It is great for those times you want to writhe and pull but not have ropeburn from it later.

But two nights ago my Dom discovered computer cords. This was because the bondage rope was in another room and he needed a quick way to tie up my feet.

He'd already bound my hands with the soft leather handcuffs we own. Since he wanted to spank me some, he also needed to bind my ankles so I could not throw my feet up and over my bottom (a favorite trick of mine when the pain gets too bad). Hurrying to find something to tie me with, he grabbed some computer cords and quickly bound my feet.

You'd think it wouldn't work, but it did. Not only did the cords hold firmly against my struggles, but they hurt! I quickly learned not to pull too hard against them or the cords bit into my ankles.

My Dom hogtied me in a horrible position. Either my legs or my arms were pulled too tightly, which I think is exactly what he wanted. I wasn't exactly in pain, but I wasn't comfortable, either! Then he stuck a vibrator between my legs and watched my poor, bound body arch and shudder with impending orgasms. It was delicious. For me, it was even better, because every time I came, my arching caused pain from the cords around my ankles, heightening and intensifying the orgasm. You want to come? Then hurt.

And come I did. Again, and again, and again. Begging him to hit me, moaning like a whore, and begging him to call me names. And he did. He called me names that made me moan gutterally with pleasure and hit my face harder than ever before. Because my pain tolerance was shooting through the roof, the blows didn't hurt, but only stang with a wonderful sense of ownership. I writhed and arched and hurt and came and moaned and hurt and came again.

Through it all, the computer cords held firm.

I definitely recommend it.

Needing BDSM to Feel Happy

The strangest thing has been happening to me lately.

I'm a submissive sexually. I try not to use terms like "I have a submissive nature" or "I'm a true submissive," because frankly I know several darn good subs who do NOT have a submissive nature at all! But I am definitely a sub in the bedroom. This doesn't mean I don't want my own needs met or that I just fall on the floor and serve him, but rather that I have a deep need to be dominated, hurt, controlled, and humiliated in order to enjoy sex.

I've always been a sub sexually. Even before I knew what a sub was, I had fantasies about being raped by strong men--and liking it. I loved it when a guy would push me against the wall while kissing me or press his weight down on me while making out. It totally got me hot when my boyfriends would hold my wrists over my head while we were kissing.

Looking back, I've had these inclinations since I was 15.... or, more accurately, since my sex drive came into play! I wasn't having sex with my boyfriends (I was raised Christian) in high school, but I was encouraged by my parents to explore kissing and making out and not feel ashamed of my sexuality. I was lucky to have Christian parents who encouraged me to keep sex special inside a marriage, but were open and positive about my sexuality as a teen.

Luckily for me, my Dom and I started playing around with this. Some slaps in the bedroom, a little name calling, etc. Usually I would request it and he would happily oblige. We'd talk about it later, and gradually as we talked we realized our fantasies went deeper than just a few slaps and calling me a bitch now and then. I started doing the research and realized there was a name for what we did, and it was called BDSM. I further realized there were a lot of really hot and nasty things we could add to our repertoire!

But I digress. My point was, I've always been submissive sexually. But that has pretty much been limited to the bedroom.

I'm not a submissive in my vanilla life. Just ask my Dom! I am a proud, educated, independent woman. In my job I take a leadership role and expect to be obeyed. In my life, I am a control freak and very anxious about everything. It is difficult for me to stand back and let my Dom lead me like the Bible commands in Ephesians 5:25.

But lately, I've realized I need that leadership and guidance. I need to feel dominated in a safe, loving, secure way. I need to feel small and helpless, like a little girl or a dirty whore or an evil slut, but in all cases helpless under the control and leadership of a strong, virile man.

In other words, BDSM makes me happy.

My Dom and I have noticed that I tend to try to lead in our vanilla life, but the result is a stressed, anxious, worried, antsy, unhappy sub. I resent him for letting me lead and being passive, I resent the world for being so darn difficult to handle, and I hurt inside from all the negative emotions I feel. Can I lead? Sure. Do I want to lead in my inner, inner, inner heart? Nope.

Let's consider the Biblical passage of Ephesians 5:23-24. Christian or not, literal or not, I believe the Bible contains some basic wisdom for everyone. Here is the verse:

For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church...
Now as the church submits to Chris, so also wives should submit to their
husbands in everything.

Luckily for me, my Dom takes this verse very seriously. He does not insist on being right, on having his way, or on being served. He takes it quite literally. If he is the symbol of Christ and I am the symbol of the church, to him that means he leads me, he serves me, he gives up everything for me.... just like Christ did the church. So many men will see this verse and say, "Ah-ha! She must obey me!" and while this has merit, my Dom believes Christ never forced anyone to follow him. Jesus won people over with love and servanthood, and so my Dom leads me by example and by prayerful leadership.

This makes it easier to slowly give up control and trust him in life.

No, I'm not perfect at it, and neither is he, but slowly I'm learning to let him lead me and give up the control. BDSM is helping!

BDSM is, for me, a way to re-center our relationship. As we go about our vanilla lives, working, playing, gardening, driving, shopping, cooking, playing with our cats, it's easy to forget who is the leader and who is the follower. Eventually, I start taking over or he starts backing off. Our life gets out of wack and off-center, so to speak.

BDSM puts it back in line. It is difficult for me to feel anything but submissive when he is above me, spanking me til I scream, slapping me in the face, making me come and forcing me to beg while I do, or calling me his dirty little whore and owning me completely. Afterward, I will smile and curl up happily on his shoulder. I am weak, exhausted, dominated, and happy. He feels strong and empowered. We go back to our lives, but something has changed. We are back on center. We are back on track. We've stepped into our rightful roles again. Ephesians 5 can be lived out in our household.

Does everyone need to experience BDSM in order to live out Ephesians 5? Absolutely not! Would some Christians be horrified that he beats and berates me into submission? You bet. But the point is, I crave it. I need it, I love it, and I want it. Moreover, he wants to give it to me. He sees the change it brings to me. He sees how afterward, I curl up on him like a little girl and fall into a deep, happy sleep. He sees how the worries and cares of the world are lifted off me and how I grow into a happier, less anxious woman because of it. Suddenly, the responsibility is lifted off my shoulders, and I am free to be the woman God created me to be! It is a wonderful, freeing feeling.

How to Tell When Your Sub Has Had Too Much

When you are the Dom, top, Mistress, Mommy, or Trainer in a relationship, you are in charge of your sub's safety and wellbeing. It is your happy job to push them to and past their limits, but just far enough that at the end, they collapse in relief and thank you later. When my Dom does this, we both note how he'll have a happy sub for days! I walk around dreamily, wanting to be close to him, complimenting his hard work in our scene, and generally feeling at peace with my world.

It's one of the only times I feel that peace.

But how do you tell when your sub is pushing his limits in a good way and when he is reaching his limits in a bad way?

Of course, the safeword is essential. But you can't always rely on it. Sometimes as a sub, I get too emotional, too wrapped up in my own head, too incoherent, too embarrassed, or simply too stubborn to admit when I'm reaching the end of my rope. I don't want to admit I might have human weaknesses, I don't want to make him feel bad for whatever he's doing, and so I don't safeword.

Luckily, there are other ways to tell when your sub is reaching his limits.

If you think your sub might be unwilling to safeword for whatever reason, a good idea is to ask him verbally. Make sure you get a verbal response in return.

Here's why. Sometimes my Dom will notice I'm seeming to get scared and withdrawn in a bad way. Even though I haven't safeworded, he'll back off and ask me sincerely, "Are you all right?" or "Is anything wrong?" And of course, although I know it's ridiculous, I'm too embarrassed and prideful to admit anything is wrong, so I just nod my head that everything is fine. This is why you must get a verbal response! And there's another reason. A sub in subspace is feeling floaty and emotional, and so even verbose, non-stop talkers like me will get incoherent and dreamy. Questions that would normally get a full paragraph answer from me, during scenes will just illicit a dreamy "Mmmm-hmmm." So if you think your sub might be reaching a bad place, mentally or physically, you must make him come out of subspace enough to answer you with words. "Yes, I am fine," or "Please keep going" are short and simple, but effective. Insist on a worded answer to your inquiries about his emotional and physical health during your scene.

Another way to tell is by the sounds and body language of your sub. Sure, even in a scene that's going great, your sub might be screaming "Nooo!" and pushing you away, or looking at you in wide-eyed fright, but a happy sub will still be moaning, biting his lip, and looking all sorts of turned on. If you back away, the sub will reach out for you and look disappointed, or maybe watch you, hoping for more. A sub who is getting genuinely scared or hurt will tense up and "freeze" and start to sound panicked as they scream or beg. In this case, when you back up you will get no response or indication they want you to keep going. It's time to pause and check to see what went wrong!

A sub who's had too much physically, even while enjoying the scene immensely, will show some physical symptoms. My Dom often knows before I do when I am reaching my physical limits, even when I am truly enjoying a scene. He says my body language will change, and my body will start to look tired. One key he looks for is when muscles start quivering. As an Army sargeant, he says he can tell when his soldiers are starting to reach the end of their physical endurance because they will slow, and their arms or legs will shake--signs the body is straining to keep up. In a scene last week, he tied me to the door and hit me repeatedly with a slapper, and eventually he said he saw my legs starting to quiver. Although I was not even aware of it, he could tell my body was reaching its limits and it was time to move on to an activity that was a little less stressful on my body.

Of course, if you have questions about your sub's endurance, ask! You'll find that you'll learn more as you play together, and begin to recognize the signs. You'll also learn from your mistakes, and that just helps you grow into a better and more experienced Dom. Enjoy the learning experience!

Good Idea for Rape Play

A lot of people really enjoy the idea of ravishment, being overpowered and taken roughly. Or maybe they want to be overpowered and then gradually find themselves getting wet/hard, enjoying it against their own will, and eventually orgasming, to their own great shame. Or perhaps they grab their partner, wrestle them down, pin their hands to the wall, and take them savagely.

No matter what your fantasy is, if it's along these lines, ravishment fantasies are probably something you'd enjoy! People call it rape play, ravishment fantasies, rape fantasies, a whole host of things. It basically means you like the idea of coercion, force, power play, struggle, mental and physical domination, and other yummy things incorporated into your sex life.

Of course, having these fantasies (having them done to you or doing them to your partner) doesn't mean you actually want to rape someone you love (or be raped). It means you like the idea, and pretending to have a scene where you "rape" your consenting partner will probably be hot for both of you!

Well, here's an idea that's easy to put into play:


The other day, my Dom woke me up from a happy 3-hour nap by tying me roughly to the bed and then having his way with me.

I was asleep, and he got up slowly and carefully, watching to make sure I didn't stir. I didn't. He crept into the other room and got out our bondage rope, some toys, and some vibrators. Then he took my hand and, without speaking to me, began to tie me to the bed posts.

I was groggy and it took me a while to react. "What are you doing?" I asked him sleepily. He did not respond, but simply went to the other side of the bed and kept tying me up. Both wrists were tied to the bedposts. Then my ankles were tied loosely to the bedposts at the foot of the bed. I began to slowly wake up, excited and afraid of what would come.

My Dom surprised me with a great scene! The tying up was followed by hitting and slapping, grinding on me til he came, rubbing the cum on me because he knows I hate to be sticky, and then whipping me with a slapper til I was writhing and moaning and begging him to stop. I kept turning away from the blows as much as the ropes would let me, which wasn't much, and letting out these awful wails as the slapper struck me again and again. I had welts afterward!

He was on a total power high, laughing at my protests and hitting harder. He slapped my face repeatedly, knowing this pushes my limits, called me dirty names, and made me beg for things. Grand finale was my fave rabbit vibe and a good orgasm!

WHEW! Our sex life has been on the rocks lately, I haven't been as interested in sex, but I have to say-----rape from being woken up was HOT. It made me feel more out of it, confused, and groggy.... took a while to figure out what was happening, and also I was hornier because my 'mind' hadn't kicked in yet!

Awesome idea for those would-be rapists who haven't tried it yet!